Horoscopes

Horoscopes REALLY SHITTY ONES

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Gibberish may possibly occur to you at some point during the next 12 days as you attempt to do something new, or possibly old. Fire is a hazard you won’t want to ignore this week, so watch out for those big conflagrations!

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Are you loveable? Take time out today to contemplate that thought and try to make sure that you are very loveable. Plants may be out to get you today, so look to buying some kind of weed-killer. Avoid spraying week-killer into loved ones’ eyes.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Every reason you have for doing what you did, is sound. Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family. Good fortune will stalk you like a mean spirited vulture today and won’t spread any of his juicy fortune charm over you.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The incredible temperature will affect today in ways that I simply cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that requires the movement of clothing, either on or off. I guess what I’m saying is that it will be hot or cold. Or possibly somewhere in between.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

My gift to you is this wisdom: he who makes love at awkward angles, gets back problems the next day. The worry you’re feeling is unnecessary...because you can’t avoid the horrors that await.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Although you have been getting gradually more and more tired over the last few days, you’ll find new energy this weekend. Seek comfort in clothing today. Your magical fingers may be called into practice this week.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Tantric is not a cuss-word you want to use around campus. It’s not even a cuss-word. It is, however, said to be very exhausting. “Saucy!” should not be used as a synonym for sweaty.

You can’t go wrong today - everything is set up for brilliance.

Scorpio

October 23 – November

Wood may be lucky for you this week, although you’d probably prefer meaty planks to irritating splinters. Death can stalk you in all forms, even cute little pussy cats and slugs. Beware of all cats who have slugs attached to their backs.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Unruly behaviour by your closest friends can be solved using cake-forks.

The lights are on, nobody’s home and it’s time to download some porn off the internet.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Good luck is not what you need right now. You could do with the services of a made-up superhero called “Miracle boy”. The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the localtt streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If it’s tasty, then lap it up. If not, don’t. This is the best course of action for this week. It may become apparent today that you are gradually becoming what you always hated. Phone your father and tell him. I sense a feeling of delight in you.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Since last month you have been finding it harder and harder to have fun. This month may see a big change. This month provides you with the greatest chance of making it. So pray to the planets that they stay in alignment or this horoscopes will not be fulfilled.