WINTER SURVIVAL tips

Officially the Wintergeddonapocalypse 2023 has commenced. Lasting from June till September, meterorologists prepare for excessive amounts of device time.

Winter in the South Island has some of the lowest temperatures, getting down to minus 5 degrees. So here are some tips so you don’t freeze your balls of this Winter.

1. Winterise your flat; get some cute snake draft guards for those sneaky gaps under your doors. They also make for great whacking sticks to stop your flatmate snoring.

2. Get a puffa jacket for your cat. Noone likes a cold pussy.

3. Determine which family members you will eat. If trapped by snow for more than two days, you may need to decide which family member the rest will eat in order to survive. It’s best to make those plans now when you can do it rationally and without letting emotions get in the way during a crisis.

4. Don’t leave any part of your body exposed to the cold air, not even your face. This will also help with the above, as members may see how tasty some parts of you look.

5. Get a sled, a big red sack, a reindeer and call it a day.

6. Ask “How’s this weather?” over and over again. This will help make decision number 3 easier for the rest of the family.

7. Prepare entertainment. Remember, if the power goes out, you won’t be able to access Netflix, Spotify if your devices go flat. So prepare for some non-electric based entertainment. Like puppets or something. I don’t know what people did for fun in the dark ages, but I assume puppets were involved.

8. Mock people. If you are from the South, now is your opportunity to make fun of and be condescending to your Nothern neighbours. Make as many insulting, rude and annoying statements about how they just don’t understand what cold is really like and that it’s quaint that they react to winter weather the way we do. JAFFA’s love that.

9. Last but not leastdon’t eat yellow snow.