LINCOLN UNIVERSITY STUDENTS’ MAGAZINE
GARDEN PARTY PICS 2017 LUSA BOARD MASSEY EXCHANGE LU CLUBS DUATHALON
ISSUE 8
OCTOBER 2016
Contents StudentsAtLincoln
14
LUSA.org.nz lusa.nz lusa.nz
EDITOR & DESIGN Julia Wills
design@lusa.org.nz CONTRIBUTORS Vanessa Rhodes | Sam Budd James Ranstead | Tom Day Tom Clayton | Jess Hill ADVERTISING
20
Kate Ward-Smith
sales@lusa.org.nz Contributions can be sent to
design@lusa.org.nz PRINTER RAM is printed by Wickliffe RAM is published by the Lincoln University Students’ Association (LUSA) for the students of Lincoln University. RAM is funded by Lincoln University students through the Student Services Fee. Any opinions expressed in this magazine are those of the authors, and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs and values held by LUSA, or the University. If you are easily offended, read on and be sure to send a strongly worded email to the Editor. RAM is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Associaiton (ASPA).
RAM Issue 8 | 2
26
28
32
36
FEATURES
REGULARS
6 | Ivey’s Birthday Celebrating our old founder Bill!
4 | Words from the Prez
17 | Sweet As / Stink One 18 | Ways of Wellness 24 | Aunty Flat-tac
10 | #GP16 If you can’t remember Garden Party then we’ve got it all here for you, along with some great pics
26 | Lincoln’ Best Awards Highlights and photos from the evening 28 | Massey Exchange Ag exchange between Massey Uni and the Lincoln Uni Young Farmers Club 32 | Mission Malawi Fundraising for an amazing cause
DESIGNED BY JULIA WILLS
8 | This Month in History
9 | Study Stall What we’ve got planned to keep you sane whilst studying
14 | Look at this Crap! LEO takes a field trip to find out just where all of our trash goes 20 | Rowing Club takes on Multisport Club The battle of brawn went down
COVER
30 | Flat of the Month
FUN STUFF
34 | Guide to things to do this Summer 32 | Flat of the Month 36 | Snapchats 38 | Garden Party Snapchats 39 | Bad Jokes 40 | Horoscopes 41 | Sudoku RAM Issue 8 | 3
From the Prez In 10 days you’ll have made it! The end of exams is just around
I know LUSA’s in a good place ready to take on some challenges,
the corner, and won’t that be a good feeling. Another school
make some changes, and ultimately make sure the student voice
year done and dusted.
is out there and heard. It’ll be a big year for Lincoln.
For those of you that’re moving on congrats, you’ve knocked
Have a top notch summer, enjoy the banter and a few cold
the bastard off. I could say something wise like you’ll never stop
brews and we’ll see you back here before you know it. Just make
having to learn, but let’s be honest, how good does it feel to
sure you put 27 February in your diaries.
know there’s no more 9am lectures, or all-nighters trying to get the assignment in that you ‘forgot’ about until the night before? Have a good time out there and we’ll see you back in April for Grad Ball, when that Fresher 5 (15, 40, but who’s counting?) you couldn’t shake has mysteriously disappeared.
Top 10 Things I’ve learned this year: 1. If something isn’t right, just get on with it and fix it, unless you’re going to make it worse.
Looking forward to 2017, Lincoln’s gonna see some change in the next wee while. However, what we all know is that Lincoln is a pretty bloody awesome place to study. There’s no two ways about that. I mean how many universities do you go to, where you can rock up to your lecturer and they’re more than happy to help you out? What we as students need to be sure of is that,
2. You don’t need money to have fun but it sure does help. 3. The Uni actually cares what students think, so get sharing
your big issues with LUSA. 4. Have a good time, otherwise what’s the point?
we know we’re getting the best land-based education in the country, and no matter what people say about Lincoln, that’s the bottom line. Be proud of it. We might be a little-bit money tight, but it’s a damn fine institution we’re at. Keep that in mind when you head off around the country, everything that’s happening is just going to make Lincoln a better place for students to be. Over here at LUSA you’ve all elected a new LUSA Board for 2016, so congrats to them. I’m looking forward to a ripper of
5. Working hard is an important part of getting shit done. 6. Napping is the only way to recover from a big night. 7. The better you manage your time, the more time to do cool shit. 8. People are the worst, but surrounding yourself with the good ones is important.
a year with them and no doubt we’ll see some great things happening. Yes I’ve heard you about the LINC courses and shade at Garden Party - we’ll see what we can do. I’ve had a good few months here with the LUSA team, and
9. Know where you’re going, why you’re doing it and be bold. 10. Monday isn’t too early in the week for a beer.
although it may not look like there’s been a lot going on, I can assure you there has been. It’s involved too many long days; a fair whack of frustration; only a couple of ‘fuck this I’m outta here” ’s; and a fair bit of laughter. Do I regret it? Hell no. But bring on 2k17. All going to plan we’ll have a new General Manager, and Student Advice and Support Co-ordinator too. RAM Issue 8 | 4
Danyon Thomas president@lusa.org.nz
LincMe Up 2017
MENTORS
From the Ed
Try something different and get involved. Support new students for the first 6 week of Uni. You can either be a Mentor (face to face support for one or two students) or offer your advice via email to any LincMe Up student who needs support. Offer a friendly face and teach them the tricks of the trade to get through Uni Life!
Wowza! I’ve officially been working as the Media Manager for LUSA a year now, and even I received a the gift of a spare tyre from the ever giving ‘Fresher Five’. I totally blame the LUSA sausage sizzles and the epic cheese scones from Mrs O’s. ( not the fact that I put them in my mouth, repeatedly.)
For more information email student.support@lusa.org. nz or sign up on the LUSA web page www.lusa.org.nz under the Advice Tab.
This also means I was a Toga Party & Garden Party Virgin! Yep. I’ve had my cherry popped now. Good times. We’ve have had some good times this year, and I have had a blast getting to know you guys. Whether it’s been yarning with you in regards to designing a logo for your Club, or snapping your drunken, grinning mugs in the photo booth, it’s been fun. I’d like to think your youthfulness keeps me young… young at heart anyways! To be honest, your party hard/work hard ethic is great. You certainly make the most of every moment you get and I love that about Lincoln students. You’re down to earth, hard yaka, fun lovin’ LU Students. I think the rest of the country should be jealous of what you guys accomplish. There should actually be an award for rolling out of bed on a Thursday morning, after a night at the Yaldie, chucking on your red bands, stubbies and heading to the dining hall in time for breakfast! You guys look like death walking past my window in the Blue Building some mornings, but you’re doing it! Good on ya. Next time give, us a wave and I might even through a blue Powerade out my window for you! For those leaving and especially the LUSA board (except Danyon and MacArthur) I’m stuck with these boys another year!) I wish you all the best. Whether it’s going on your OE, moving to Oz, starting your career or getting a job, good on you. You’ve got Lincoln in your blood now so you’ll be ok.
Julia Wills design@lusa.org.nz
Our favorite SAS Manager is leaving us!
She has really made her mark on this place and we are super sad to be losing her. Her smiley face, witty humour and compassionate words of wisdom, will leave a huge gap within LUSA and the wider campus. But before she leaves, Ness has a few final words - like always! ha ha “I am on the move! It has been an absolute pleasure working alongside Lincoln students and staff members. I have learnt a lot of new skills and challenged myself. Met a lot of cool and amazing students, who are going to change the world one day. I’m sad to say goodbye to the LUSA team, but I only see good things happening in 2017, especially having LUSA’s President, Danyon Thomas leading the charge. I will leave you with this quote.. ‘The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not fighting the old, but on building the new’ - Socrates”.
Vanessa Rhodes
RAM Issue 8 | 5
The 2016 LUSA Board have the last word It has been an honour and privilege to serve as your LUSA Board for 2016. Our time has come, we’re moving on and leaving you in some mostly capable hands - that new Prez is a bit of a worry. We’ve had many a shit yarn, and got our Diplomas in BBQ-ing along the way. Both important skills to have moving forward. Along the way, we’ve learnt a lot, mainly through following our gut, cause let’s be honest that’s the best way to do it. It’s been a good time, a few curly moments but we’ve got there in the end, and what’s it’s gonna mean is a strong LUSA that knows where’s it is, and where it’s going. What’ve we’ve learnt is to never under estimate the student voice, it’s a pretty powerful thing! So make sure you start nattering away and making sure the new Board know what you’re thinking, cause that’s the only way we can make a change.
Lucy dishing up a mean burger @ Burgers, Beers & Beats
Next year, Josh is off to become a loan-shark; Jana’s off to be gainfully employed, Matty’s going to find himself some lovely American lass; Ali’s gonna continue her hectare hunting; Lucy’s modelling career is taking off at AgResearch; and Ryan’s back for another year with promise of finding ‘the one’. It’s been a bloody good year, and next year is sure to be even better for LUSA. So for once and for all, goodbye from your 2016 Board!
MacArthur MC’ing the 2016 Lincoln’ Best Awards
Josh & Ali manning the BBQ @ Clubs & Markets Day - Winterfest. RAM Issue 8 | 6
Risi having one to calm the nerves before MC’ing the Student vs Staff debate for LU’s Open Day
Readers Opinion - Miss Famous Grouse It finally hit me that my time at Lincoln might be up pretty soon. Which got me thinking, just how different is the real world from what I’ve lived in for the past 5 years? Do all pubs let their patrons smoke in the bathroom? Is it socially acceptable for gumboots to be both everyday footwear and a substitute for glassware? Is the rest of the country so simultaneously homophobic and homoerotic? The answer to these is hopefully no, but here at Lincoln, they’re all goers.
LU’s student culture is pretty standard in some ways, and an entire different fucking planet in others. I’ve tried to fully embrace the culture of Lincoln over the years, but there’s parts of it that have never quite sat right with me. To the surprise of literally no one, it’s not the drugs, drinking or daytime naps that haven’t sat right with me. It’s just a couple of things that seem to be so popular, and one of those things is the Miss Grouse competition.
What the fuck is that even about? I have despised the idea of the event since its creation. This year I justified my attendance as ‘embracing student culture.’ Regret. Now I’m not in any way slut shaming the participants. Your body, you do you. My issue lies with just how quickly the atmosphere turned into a time machine. It went from 2016-ish to some real sticks and stones kind of shit. There were literally tables upon tables of grown men grunting and drooling at the contestants, whistling as they strutted past. The women were out in force too. Gaggles of them, commenting on how “slutty” their friends looked whilst competing.
Now before I cuss out the night too much, I will admit I laughed a lot but that’s just your typical night at the Grouse isn’t it? It’s where you first learn what is acceptable and what is not by Lincoln’s standards. Cowboy boots – acceptable; environmental management – unacceptable. (Personally, I think they should sit the other way around, but I’m from Auckland so I don’t get an opinion on anything at Lincoln. Learnt that at the Grouse.). So why the fuck is the local pub (that plays such an integral part in student life at Lincoln), promoting behaviour that creates so many problems in both the student world, and the real world? The real world is busy trying so, so hard to stomp out this primitive kind of behaviour, and rightfully so because it’s 2016 for crying out loud.
It’s kind of pretty fucked up that the very venue that I see as a relatively safe social space, is making this part of Lincoln life. Not only that, but the culture I love to dabble so hard in, seems to be so fully on board and okay with it. I’ve loved my time here but surely this isn’t the way forward for Lincoln?
RAM Issue 8 | 7
! Y A D H T R I B S ’ Y I VE On a chilly Tuesday 20 September, Forbes Lawn was transformed into a Carnival-style party for ole Bill Ivey! Born in 1838, William Edward Ivey was an Australian born scientist and farmer who became the first director of the then Lincoln School of Agriculture. The Ivey Hall - Lincoln Uni’s most beautiful buildings which houses the LU Library, IT plus a number of other LU departments – was built in 1878 and was named after the founding director
RAM Issue 8 | 8
of Lincoln College, which gained full university status in 1990. Celebrating Ivey’s Birthday is now a tradition at Lincoln and is a way of acknowledging our original founder. Organised and led by the Lincoln Uni Marketing Department, with LUSA manning the hotdogs and music, we were all soon filling the bellies with American Hot Dogs, Candy Floss and Cake.
A few students had guts to climb up the inflatable tower but did they succeed without getting rope burn? The inflatable soccer saw a few mean rebounds happening in the ring along with a few scraped knees.But overall, it was a great lunchtime event and a nice way to kick off the LUSA Board Elections.
RAM
2017 PUBLISHING DATES
This Month in History 1769 1936 1957 1979 1986 1986 2011
RAM Issue 8 | 10
Ship’s boy Nicholas Young received a gallon of rum and had Young Nicks Head named in his honour for being the first aboard the Endeavour to spot land. Jean Batten set a number of aviation firsts before flying from the UK to NZ in 11 days 45 minutes. A crowd of 6000 greeted her at Mangere Aerodrome. The jandal was trademarked. Inspired by an Asian example, Yock and his son began manufacturing this simple rubber footwear in his garage. The name ‘jandal’ combined the words ‘Japanese’ and ‘sandal’. It was a gangland murder with international links that unravelled New Zealand’s largest drug syndicate. It was a gruesome mystery in the heart of the English north-west – ‘Mr Asia’ found murdered. Goods and Service Tax Act came into force by adding 10% to the cost of most goods and services. Dubbed ‘Rogernomics’ after Minister of Finance, Roger Douglas. Written for the movie Footrot Flats: the dog’s tale, Dave Dobbyn’s hit ‘Slice of Heaven’ made No. 1. featuring reggae band Herbs, singing a cappella it topped the charts for eight weeks. The All Blacks won the Webb Ellis Cup for the second time in seven attempts, defending grimly to hold onto an 8–7 lead over France in front of 61,000 spectators at Eden Park, Auckland.
STUDY STALL
Monday 10th - Friday 21st October
10
11
12
13
14
RAM Issue 8 | 11
GARDEN PARTY #GP16 what a ripper. The weather may
Clap Clap Riot brought us back to life
giving us a hand? Of
not have been playing ball, but that
at the midday mark, which was a bit
course you’d only had
didn’t matter too much now did it?
further through the day than midday for
a couple throughout
Garden Party is always the best way to
some of us. Australian band The Viper
the day, cause responsible drinking and
end the main school year, and we know
Creek Band reminded us what it means
all that.
it’s always better than a Tea Party. We’re
to be a Lincoln Student. Diaz Grimm
stoked to say the last big event off the
and Weird Together kicked off the day
We’re pretty sure you all had an
year went off, with a pretty epic line up.
with some eclectic beats to get us all
epic day, and didn’t get sun stroke, or
humming.
hypothermia, or anything in between
This year had to be one of the biggest
and made a few memories along the way.
years yet, with more shade, 2500
We hope you checked out the free
If you rated it or hated it let us know
tickets and 5 acts, covering pretty much
brekkie in the Dining Hall - thanks
events@lusa.org.nz. Catch you next year,
every genre of music you could want.
Lincoln Hospitality. Didn’t spend too
for an even better time, once you’ve
Headlining act Avalanche City were the
much time queuing for the portaloos.
recovered and forgotten those regrets.
perfect way to mellow out the afternoon,
Did you say ‘good after-ble consta-noon’
That is if you can handle the jandle?!?
after a big day of raving. Rock sensation
to one of the Police wandering around
RAM Issue 8 | 12
RAM Issue 8 | 13
RAM Issue 8 | 14
RAM Issue 8 | 15
GOING TO LOOK AT WASTE FOR A DAY ISN’T EVERYONE’S CUP OF TEA By James Ranstead
Going to look at waste for a day isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, however on the final Friday of last term, 12 avid LEO (Lincoln Environmental Organisation) club members went on a field tour to find out just where all of our trash goes. The first stop of our tour was Kate Valley Landfill, an hour north of Christchurch, which services the majority of the Canterbury region, all the way down to Ashburton. Regarded as a world leading landfill in sustainability, this predisposed bombsite impressed all of us greeny folk. Five layers of sealing to avoid leaching, enough electricity generated from the gas to power Amberley, and a continual soil overlay process that keeps away rodents and seagulls. All of this concentrated in 37ha area, surrounded by 410ha of native restoration and 500ha of forestry carried out by the landfill owners. Next was living earth composting, the facility that manages all of Christchurch’s organic waste. This is the largest indoor facility in the southern hemisphere collecting 55000 tons of waste per year, most of which is sold (cheaply!) to be used as an alternative to fertiliser on farms, awesome! Lastly, we visited one of Christchurch’s many cardboard and plastic recycling facilities where we got to see the sorting and bailing for export, in action. Although we were each blown away by the fluidity and expertise of Canterbury’s waste management systems, it was a sobering thought as to just how much waste that gets processed. 350,000 tons of trash is buried in kate valley each year, deposited by up to 30 different trucks, amounting to an average of 60 truckloads per day. Recycling, although better than the landfill outcome, doesn’t take long to make you feel
RAM Issue 8 | 16
dizzy based on just how much resource input is required to ship these products around the world and process them, often to end up as a second grade product anyway.
LEO and Waste Management Canterbury’s Advice Reduce: Plastics, particularly polystyrene, are the main issue. They take ages to breakdown, consuming vast amounts of space, and creating no gas for energy generation once in the landfill. Not to mention the wildlife considerations.
Reuse: Think again when you throw out your trash. Can you, or anyone you know, find a value for it? That plastic hummus container will be ideal for storing other food items in the fridge!
Recycle: Recycling facilities surround us for a reason, though just make sure your items are clean. If not, they will be rejected. You can only imagine the state of them by the time they get to Asia for recycling if they aren’t... not .... It may seem simple, and you’ve all probably heard this before, though by the looks of our materialistic society and the ever increasing amount of crap we ‘need’, and then soon after dispose of, we clearly aren’t listening. Thanks to the team at Waste Management Canterbury for fully funding the tour. Get on the Facebook page “LEO Lincoln University” if you’re interested in what we do as a club, events for the future, or if you simply want more information on waste.
RAM Issue 8 | 17
RAM Issue 8 | 18
SWEET AS CUP AND SHOW WEEK Place your bets...on whose going to be the most hammered. Thats right, it’s a day when people put on their fancy clothes, fascinators and nice shoes, and then go and get very, very merry! MUST BE THE MONEY Finding $10 or even $5 in your pants or in your wallet after a big night out. Whoop! Enough to buy a hnagover pizza! SUMMER BBQ’S Meeaatt...and a wee bit of salad. Daylight savings means longer evenings and what better way to enjoy them with some pork on ya fork!
JANDAL WEATHER For most of you, jandals or no shoes are worn ALL YEAR ROUND. But for the rest of us, sane folk it’s time to crank out the Havaianas.
STINK ONE WENTWORTH SEASON ENDS Wentworth Fans, have you seen it yet? Coz I don’t want to tell you what happens!
BAD DREAMS The most common dream is of your partner cheating on you. It has less to do with an actual affair, but rather the fear of being wronged or left alone. EXAM STRESS Late night cramming sessions, too much coffee, not enough sleep, no beersies...it will all be over soon...& we have Study Stall to help you along the way! THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF AUCKLAND RHOAKL - Make it stop!!! So much terrible acting and entire episodes beased on nothing. Drinking whilst watching helps. How ignorant was she using the ‘N’ word BTW?
RAM Issue 8 | 19
Thursdays in Black NZUSA has funded a student’s survey, Where your participation will really help us to understand how to prevent and respond to sexual violence in our student communities. A different reality is possible. Complete the survey at: thursdaysinblack.org.nz/survey Closes October 23rd
White Ribbon Day November 25th Lo ok out for the activities on campus, (if you are around) as we support and message promoting healthy relationships, ones of mutual respect for each other, friends and families. With the goal of eliminating men’s violence towards women, White Ribbon “aims to change men’s attitudes and behaviors, predominantly through men talking to men”. It asks individual men to “make it clear to other men that you do not tolerate violence towards women”. White Ribbon is a deliberate attempt to undermine the social norms of men who support violence, and strengthen male norms that are nonviolent.
Mental Health Week
This year White Ribbon will continue to focusing on healthy/respectful relationships, the issue of consent and giving fathers (and all parents) the skills and knowledge to talk about respectful relationships and respectful sexual relationships with their children.
October 10th - 16th
By promoting:
This will be the third year we have been on campus messaging about mental wellbeing, and this year is going to be a little different as we will be lo oking at some mental illness and how, as a community we are vital to be there for each other.
Respectful relationships between men and women. This is the overarching theme. Respectful relationships are based on:
The theme this year is ‘nature’. You could be IN TO WIN your wall art on a canvas. All you have to do is take a photo of something in nature or a beautiful scene that makes you feel great and send it to: kate.maxwell@lincoln.ac.nz and you could win your photo on a canvas.
RAM Issue 8 | 20
•
Equality between women and men
•
The effective use of non-violent communication
•
Flexible gender behaviour for men and women
•
This includes respectful sexual relationships
•
‘Consent’ as a necessary requirement of all sexual relationships.
•
Men challenging the attitudes and behaviour of other men that underpin all violence.
•
Developing your child’s respectful behaviour.
This is how it all started. With a simple letter from some ingenious Lincoln Uni students – chicks I might add with a bit of a dilemma. “Hey Sam and Emmett, We are big blockheads and as you can see we are in a bit of a pickle. After a few to many shandy’s and pushing the boat out too far, our flat has a new feature wall!
Unless you live in a cave, Sam and Emmett won the Block NZ 2016, and you could say they know a thing or two about renovating, let along fixing a few holes in a wall. Ruby and her flatmates had inherited some damage to their flat, after some unruly gate-crashers with issues, kicked and punched holes throughout their walls with their ever sturdy RMs on.
We understand you don’t live in Christchurch, but time is of the essence as we have an inspection next Thursday.
With a lack of DIY skills (only a few paining fences in their time) and even less money, they put out a call on ole Facebook, asking for help, and they certainly weren’t expecting the huge response they’ve had.
If you have a spare couple of minutes, us poor students need some help!
Sam and Emmett felt they could relate. Back in the day while Emmett was flatting, he had a man love, wrestling moment, which ended in Emmett rolling through a wall. So they decided to drop everything and fly down form Auckland and come to their rescue.
We will provide banter, brews and BK. Much love, Poor students, Danielle Pearce, Lucy Holden, Madeleine Tapley, Brianna Massie, Penny Blue and Ainsley Harte”
They organised Builderscrack to help out with the jibbing and do most of the elbow work for them, so they could concentrate and teach the girls how to sand, paint and finish the job off to their winning standards. The Christchurch guys from Builderscrack did the job for free and then the company went on and made a donation towards one of the builder’s granddaughters, who has cerebral palsy, to go towards getting her to America to have an operation. Talk about pay it forward. With the flat wall fixed and being a Wednesday night, the girls then treated Sam and Emmett to a few promised bevies at what better place than the Yaldy of course!
RAM Issue 8 | 21
Gabby ‘Untouchable’ Gray coming around the final bend, supported by Lee ‘Stock Reccy’ Hodsell.
Tom Brand striding it out for LURC on stage 4
Tom ‘North Canterbury’ Day shaking hands with Tom Hastings after their 3km slog up the hill, with Henry ‘Dr D.P.’ Buckingham and Fred Coughlan in the background
Sophie Gualter having a blast on the final stage for LURC
RAM Issue 8 | 22
The start line with Brigitte ‘Lance Armstrong’ Allan and James Moody
LU CLUB DUATHALON “It was an overcast day, perfect weather for the first ever head to head club duathlon. It came to be after the Lincoln Uni Rowing Club made demoralising remarks to the Multisport Club about who the better athletes were.”
The Multisport team at the finish line after their victory ft. Bodle
RAM Issue 8 | 23
Held on Saturday 24th September 2016. The day was finally upon us. After a long wait we were at the line poised for the starting gun. It was an overcast day, perfect weather for the first ever head to head club duathlon. It came to be after the Lincoln Uni Rowing Club made demoralising remarks to the Multisport Club about who the better athletes were. Each team had put together an elite squad of their club’s finest to battle it out, but a few late recruitments in each team left the end result uncertain. This was really going to be a spectacle.
FIRST STAGE:
A 16km Road Bike from Lincoln to Halswell Quarry Brigitte ‘Lance Armstrong’ Allan was leading out for the Multisport Club with James Moody cycling for the rowers. The starting bell rung and the race was underway. Both of these cyclists were experts in their field and it showed with a quick time to the 1st transition. Due to the calibre in this first leg, no cyclist could pull away from the other and they tagged the next athlete simultaneously.
SECOND STAGE:
A 3km Hill Run up Halswell Quarry It was the race of the Toms. Tom ‘North Canterbury’ Day racing for the Multisport Club and Tom Hastings being the Rowing Club’s choice. The speed of the transition was lightning fast and both runners took off at a blistering pace. They soon slowed down however, as they attacked the first incline. Tactics proved to be priceless as each short cut dramatically varied the distance between the two runners. This leg also ended neck and neck, chucking the responsibility onto the mountain bikers to sort out the leading team.
THIRD STAGE:
A 10km Mountain Bike over the Port Hills and down into Cashmere Henry ‘Dr D.P.’ Buckingham started this leg off with absolute determination as a Multisport competitor. But he was followed closely by Fred Coughlan. Still undecided after the uphill section, Henry put the gas on down the slippery mud track, gaining a few minutes. The track’s poor condition lead to both riders coming off, Fred actually being tossed over the handle bars after getting caught in a rut. The muddy riders rolled into the 3rd transition, now with the Multisport Club ten minutes ahead.
FOURTH STAGE:
A 9km Road Run from Cashmere to Springs Road With a fresh lead, the Multisport Club unleashed Sean ‘Faster Than You’ Eustace who strode off into the distance away from the Rowing Club. They trailed with Tom Brand taking to the pavement. The long, straight track provided a quick pace for each of the runners, both flying into the 4th transition with respectable times. Sean managing to increase the lead.
RAM Issue 8 | 24
FIFTH STAGE:
A 12km Road Bike back into Lincoln The Multisport Club could see the finish line in sight as Lee ‘Stock Reccy’ Hodsell took to the road at a quick pace, assisted by a beautiful tail wind. The Rowing Club however had a secret weapon in the form of Kate Jordan, who was well known for her quick times on the road bike. Both riders flew into the 5th and last transition, as Hodsell exclaimed, she was,
“absolutely buggered”.
SIXTH STAGE:
A 6km Road Run around Uni Still in front, the Multisport Club was feeling quite confident as they handed on to their last competitor, Gabby ‘Untouchable’ Gray. She was up against the Rowing Club’s very own infamous runner, Sophie Gualter, providing some stiff competition on the last leg. Unfortunately for the Rowing Club it was too little too late as Gabby glided home 28 minutes ahead, finishing in front of a relatively empty Rec Centre (given the magnitude of the occasion).
Lee ‘Stock Reccy’ Hodsell grinding gears with a smile on the 5th stage
Both teams were pleased the event was over as everyone had put their all into it and went back to 47 Westbelt, where presentations were carried out. The Multisport Club was awarded the notorious Golden Shield for their win, the pinnacle of all Club honours. Each team then put forward competitors for a boat race and although they tried their best, it wasn’t the Rowing Club’s day and the Multisport Club took this out as well. The rowers however vowed to come back stronger next year for another crack at the win, but until then the Multisport Club has the bragging rights for being the better athletes.
Written by Tom Day
The infamous Golden Shield RAM Issue 8 | 25
When sh*t gets UGLY… Ask Aunty Flat-tac!
‘ 2016 Summer Edition’
ks loo r! … y e b go Summ o t g at Q thin a gre y n BB e a , b s s i e e o t r arti e som k nte oing p i t w If ou re ar t trac ’s g b t i a e h l like s al s. So h the rig i r me tma on Sum Chris p you wise!. e and to ke health s a ide
• MOSQUITO BITES – Rub banana or lemon on the affected area. •
HOMEMADE AIR CONDITIONING – Put frozen water bottles in front of your fan.
• NOT SURE HOW MUCH YOU’VE HAD TO DRINK? Keep count by these measurement marks.
HANGOVER CURES – Pre-planning is key! Experts know very little of what causes hangovers, however the more prepared you are the better! • Try not drinking at all? • Alternate with water or non- alcoholic drinks. • Pace yourself - It takes your body around 1 hour to break down 1 standard unit of alcohol (basically a shot). Cross this line and your hangover is cooking. • Hair of the Dog – short term, great! But could be the worst thing you could do. That morning drink could lead to an even worse hangover the following day. RAM Issue 8 | 26
• Greasy Breakfast – Sorry, but there is no evidence that proves that bacon and hash brown goodness is helpful. It is better to stick with easy-to-digest food like toast or cereal. Eat light and stay hydrated. BUT eggs are particular savours here as they contain something called taurine, which has been shown to even reverse liver damage caused by alcohol! • Alka-Seltzer – famous fizzy medicine which has been around for years. Helps settle a queasy belly. Still, other ingredients, notably aspirin and citric acid, may irritate your stomach after a night of heavy drinking. • Water and soft drinks – Great Idea! Replacing the fluid you have lost cannot be a bad thing and will hopefully help you feel a little less
miserable. Drinking booze can banish up to four times as much water. • Sauna, sweat it out! - No way! A sauna can cause potentially dangerous blood vessel and blood flow changes in your body. BUT some gentle exercise, with lots of water so you don’t get dehydrated, can boost your endorphin levels and give you a mental kick. • Sleep – sleep deprivation won’t itself cure a hangover but can make the symptoms feel less. • Don’t light up and drink - Smoking cigarettes while drinking results in worse hangovers. One theory is that both alcohol and smoke affects your sleep, and poor shut-eye can make you feel even crummier.
Don’t waste ice, freeze filled water balloons to keep your drinks cool!
To keep the bugs out of your drink, use a cupcake wrapper and a strawer!
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IDEAS Gifts you can buy on Christmas Day 1.
Experience Days – skydiving, tram or gondola ride around Christchurch
2.
Magazine Subscription
3.
Music Downloads
4.
An IOU coupon – 1x breakfast in bed
5.
Gift Cards
6. Get Creative & Crafty – Pinterest is your friend 7.
Petrol Station/Supermarket Flowers - they are really nice these days!
8.
Event Tickets
9.
Get Cooking - Make some rum balls or cookies in a jar. RAM Issue 8 | 27
Rebranded in 2015 and with a bunch of new Awards categories added, the ‘Green’ and ‘Gold’ Awards became the Lincoln’s Best Awards. The Lincoln’s Best Award’s is an initiative organised and hosted by LUSA which aims to acknowledge all the incredible contributions Lincoln Uni students, Clubs and Staff do to enhance the student experience and make Lincoln Uni such a great place to be! The Awards evening commenced at 5.30pm with a delicious array of finger foods featuring sushi, gourmet sandwiches and pastries, crackers topped with salmon, cream cheese, sundried tomatoes, olives and pesto, spring rolls – amongst many other things! At 6pm the 220 strong crowd took their seats to cheer on applaud over 20 different award winners.
RAM Issue 8 | 28
The evening was MC’d by Ryan MacArthur, a member of the 2016 LUSA Board, with awards presented by 2016 (and recently re-elected for 2017), LUSA President Danyon Thomas. Some of you may have noticed that the Awards took a ‘step up’ this year, moving from the Stewart Building, where they have been held for a number of years, to Te Kete Ika/LU Dining Hall, in an effort to cater for the increased number of attendance, as well as taking the event to the next level! The refreshing of the awards and increased promotion, meant nominations topped 200 in 2015 and, this year, exceeded 220! Which just goes to show how many awesome students, staff and clubs exist around the campus!
LUSA aims to ensure that all services we offer (including our events) continually improve and adapt to remain relevant to the student body and ensure they have the best experience possible. We strive to ‘raise the bar’ every time we deliver a service; and the progression and improvements of this night’s awards was just one example of this! LUSA would like to, once again, acknowledge all the incredible award nominees and recipients and would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the awesome contributions you make and the extra miles you go to enhance the student experience! Samantha Budd
Congratulations to the below winners once again: Students Category Winner Runner Up Leadership Claire McCorkindale James Ranstead Campus Life Amelia Woulfe Damy Oyedele Student Rep Imogene Macdonald Nick Beattie
Staff Category
Winner
Runner Up
Campus Life
Sue Bowie
Jayne Smith
Staff Excellence
Michelle Ash
Jo Frew
Academic Support Excellence
Nathan Curtis
Marcel Podstolski
Teaching Excellence
Tim Curran
Eldrede Kahiya, Rainer Hoffman, Rebecca Kennedy
Clubs Category
Winner
Runner Up
Club Excellence
Lincoln University Dance Club
Young Farmers Club & International Club
Contribution to a quality Uni experience
Christian Fellowship
LEO
Best Club Event
Young Farmers Farm Tours
Postgrad Society Tea Party
Club President Excellence
Supriya John
Sam Moscrip, Rory Rotan & Iris Li
Club Spirit
Tessa Williams
Best New Club
Handy Landy’s
Veronica Penney & Noelani Velasquez African Students’ Association
RAM Issue 8 | 29
SOME HEROES DON’T WEAR CAPES, THEY GROW MULLETS One of Lincoln’s oldest traditions, the annual Ag exchange with Massey Uni an the Lincoln Uni Young Farmers Club
I arrived at the airport bright eyed and bushy tailed. I was more excited than a fresher after their first, but just as nervous as a fresher before their first. There was a buzz about the group that can only be explained by the genuine pride of attending one of Lincoln’s oldest traditions. The annual Ag exchange between the two leading agricultural institutions in the country. With the 2016 exchange taking place in the offal hole they call Palmy, against the lesser of the two institutions (not financially!) Massey University. The Young Farmers Club was fronting with a strong 18 man team. After months of preparation the Lincoln Ag 15 was rearing to go, and the netball girls … well they were nowhere to be seen. We piled into the sole wagons that our prestigious Prez had managed to pick up for a less than the current milk price and after a quick stop at the supplies store we pushed on up the country. The Shannon Tavern provided a great toilet stop before our final leg to Te Papaioea, with some of the team a little more through the day than others. Once in P-north we headed straight for the mall. This stop quickly turned into game of cat and mouse between Plaza Mall manager Debbie, her fleet of high profile security guards, and the new record holders of the fastest wheelchairs ever to race at the Biannual Plaza Mall Grand Prix. Having successfully diverted arrest we hauled ass down to what can only be described as the “Springer on acid” and our local for the next few days “The Grand Railroad Hotel”. The first event of the exchange was the illustrious Young Farmer’s Debate. With Lincoln returning to defend its title, our team consisted of King Pin Prez Samuel Moscrip; the creative and quick witted ginger cat Tessa Williams; and the mulleted RAM Issue 8 | 30
by Tom Clayton
hero Mr, “girls love me”, “I don’t mean to be arrogant but how do I not pull, I was fucken’ fantastic” Mitchell Vanisadutch. This year’s moot was more than relevant with LYFC affirming the topic that polygamy should be legal in this blessed country. There were some strong and possibly more legitimate points made by the rival team. But Lincoln - in true form left nothing for the imagination, possibly arguing a little too passionately about the benefits of multiple partners. Alas, we were there to win at all costs. Some extremely clever and quick poetry from the Captain Tess, left Massey unable to comprehend how they had been outsmarted, by a bunch of inbreed South Islanders, and even more confused with the idea that six wives are actually a reasonable option in the 21st century. 1- 0 Lincoln. Day Two The troops were rallied with the netball scheduled to kick off at 10.30. Palmy proved they are fonder of the Southern Man than they may let on, with the Lincoln Young Farmers shag and runn taxi service meeting its quota surprisingly early. Pies and Powerades, all round we made our way down to the courts. With still no sign of the netball girls, the YFC pulled together what was advertised as our Ag A team and they took to the court. With only 3 of our seven having actually played the game before, and Massey only having two trials, before naming the squad three months previously. It was shaping up to be a match tighter than Lincoln’s budget. In the end it was a fantastic display of sportsmanship and both parties finished with a smile and a photo. Final score 12-60 Massey Lincoln 1 Massey 1.
Next up was the apex of the weekend, the war we had all been waiting for. The Lincoln Ag vs. Massey Ag rugby match. Prerequisites to play, own a pair of red bands and study at least one agriculture paper. The starting line-up was decided entirely on one’s ability to keep last night down. This proved difficult for some and a few tacticals were made throughout the warm-up. There was a slight ruling adjustment, but this was still a war. The technicalities were not about to cloud the end goal of destroying the opposition, faster and harder than Chisnall with a bag of Doritos. The Lincoln lads were fuelled with patriotism. The feeling of pride in representing their mighty educational institution, in the magical dance known as code, was getting them more excited than the thought of the girl who licked Gore’s nipples, or made Fish’s neck look like he had contracted a severe case of chicken pox.
Unsurprisingly, the North Island weather was shitter than a LINC course. With rain falling throughout, the game was wetter than a first year’s first encounter with the mighty LYFC chairman. All this moisture lead to multiple drop balls and a physical game of rugby. Massey managed to nab a try in the corner late into the first half. Oranges and jet planes relived the boys for the break with the score set at 5-0. The battle continued in the 2nd half, substitutions were made to relieve a few lads who needed a cheeky chunder, before they sat in the dugout. Massey snuck a penalty in pushing their lead to 8-0. Lincoln Harrison made his return to the game, running on to pitch prouder than a toddlers first time using the big kid’s room. With five to go the last substitution was made and the mulleted hero stumbled onto the paddock. No super power could save him from embarrassment of dropping the ball with his first touch and ending the match at 8-0. Massey took the overall title for 2016, marking a fantastic weekend that boasted excellent competition and great sportsmanship. The netball, rugby and debate creates an awesome motive for exchange. The yarns spun, antics had, and contact made over the weekend prove the intangible benefits in bringing likeminded land lovers together is immeasurable. A highlight to my years spent studying agriculture. I recommend getting involved in what has always been a cracker of a weekend.
RAM Issue 8 | 31
BARTON FIELDS ‘INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY’ - 4TH YEAR VETERANS KIERAN MIGHT ACTUALLY FIND HELP FOR HIS ALCOHOL ADDICTION & MUZZ MIGHT FIND LOVE!
1.
Who are you all?
4. What’s the first physical feature you look for in a girl? B.M: Cuddling ability
Isaac ‘Muzza’ Hull - 3.5th year, Alumni of Lincoln University, Fan
D.M: Rack or Bum
of pussy and rooting grazee. A LGBT community tree hugger. Loves
R.H: Rack or Bum
health and wellbeing with the Peak to Pub a major goal, along with
K.H: Rack or Bum
any hole! Muzz is also currently making a ‘Wizzard Stick’. x6 of 8.6
I.H: Grazing ability
‘man cans’. 5. What’s the worst sin anyone’s ever committed? Regan ‘The Pussy Munta’ Hunter- 4th year, Bachelor of
B.M: Breaking Junk free June at 10am on the 1st of June by eating a
AgCommerce. Big fan of booze, spicy food, garlic naans and
bag of marshmallows!
coaching U13 Springston Rugby.
D.M: Having intercourse in the Springer woodshed... I.H: Being brought home in his budgie smugglers by the cops, after
Brad ‘Master’ Martin - 4th year, Post Grad of real important stuff.
being found spooning a road cone in the main street of Lincoln!
Master of Farm Management in Agricultural Systems. Advocate for crackers and cheese, sleeping in and making love. Brad is an all round
6. What’s the best room in the flat and why? All rooms are pretty
GC.
great. We have a decent sun room for afternoon drinks and a good lounge for afternoon/evening functions. Our kitchen is large, so it
Dale - 4th year, bachelor of agricultural sciences . Loves the gym and
can also be good for drinking type events if need be.
chocolate milk. Also a HUGE fan of swiping right. 7. What’s ‘Barton Fields’ known for? It’s money pot of an owner, Kieran ‘K-Rex91’ Hambrook - 3rd year, Bachelor of Agri Business
Murray’s....and is cheap grazing if you can ‘get with’ the owner. It has
and Food Marketing . Self appointed nickname. Spicy food lover.
a skid pad lawn and boasts social and antisocial drinking behaviour.
Road cycling advocate and owns a tanning bed. Yes a tanning bed. 8. Have you had a flat red card yet? If so what did it entail? 2. Has anyone ever been fired from a job? If so, who and more
Yeah, we had a red card on a Monday night it involved buying a few
importantly why? Brad got fired by Vaughan Beazer’s dairy farm
riggers of Sprig and Fern Craft Beer each, and that was actually only
for ‘talking back’. Kieran got ‘laid off’ at Subway Lincoln for not being
the warm up round! It was then followed by a few bottles of Peter
able to work enough hours.
Yealands Pinot Gris and then Regan ending up in Kieran’s bed taking all the blankets, finally getting up at 8am.
3. Anyone done the walk of shame? Everyones loud and proud, especially when Murray has to put his headphones in and start
9. Do you have a flat ‘go to’ meal? Spicy Curries. This involves
playing farm simulator in the evenings.
making a normal curry and then getting out our herbs and spices containers then adding cayenne pepper/chilli powder etc.
RAM Issue 8 | 32
Regan b e
ing Rega
n
ar se for we r o w g in ok Kieran lo 10. Who cleans the shower? If anyone? Brad cleaned the shower in Semester One, but now is too busy soaping up his Mrs now. 11. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you wear and what would you do? B.M: I’d wear active wear and talk about maybe going to the gym. D.M: I’d wear slut clothing and claim half of someones assets. R.H: I’d wear Rousey type clothing and flat out hunting for ha. K.H: I’d wear a G-String underneath active wear whilst being active. I.H: I’d wear overalls whilst grazing the grazee (still)!
Brad the Plumb
erer
isp Baby Wh e h t le a D
Murray
enjoyin
g a tippl
e
RAM Issue 8 | 33
er
MISSION MALAWI Written by Jess Hill
In case you haven’t noticed the endless array of chalk spread
We tossed around with many different ideas of initiatives that
across the Uni, not to mention the posters that cover every wall
we could do while in Malawi for three weeks. We finally settled
we can get cello tape on, or if your nose is constantly blocked
on three main projects with a big focus on...
and you have never marvelled at the smell of Malawian food that wafts across the entire campus on regular occasions, then you will have absolutely no idea that we are going to Malawi, Africa next year!
...designing and building a pre school for the children of the orphanages 12 surrounding villages. Our other two projects will be working with a Lyttelton based
No marketing campaign would be complete without an
solar light company, to design a way for children in the villages
annoyingly catchy name, so we have dubbed ourselves Mission
to use solar light to continue studying once the sun goes down.
Malawi!
Finally, we are hoping to source what they call, ‘liquid rain’ and educate Malawians on how to successfully grow sustainable
In June
gardens providing nutrition to the families of many.
2017, a team of young
To date we have
enthusiastic
$3,500 with a goal
Lincoln Uni
of $10,000 by the
students
time we leave.
are heading
We have done
over to a
many fundraisers
country with
including a few
temperatures we as New Zealanders can’t even comprehend.
Grouse nights, a
Malawi is approximately the size of the South Island with a
quiz night and silent auction, gardening, firewood and cheese
population of four times the entire population of New Zealand
rolls. We know we are a long way from our goal but there is
and 75% of the families living below the poverty line.
no one in our team giving up, we will do all we can to have the opportunity to make a small difference in someone’s life.
Before we get to far ahead of ourselves, lets start at the beginning. It started one day when Claire was doing some
So if you ever smell a hint of Malawian food from Burns or find
printing in the Landscape Architecture printing room and came
the ground covered in chalk below your gumboots please come
across a poster asking for donations for an Orphanage in Malawi.
and support us, every little bit counts!
She insisted I flick the founders Bob and Regina an email to see if they could possibly do with a helping hand. After that, the rest is history! Mphatikizo is an orphanage foundered by Bob who is your typical Cantabrian and his wife Regina who has grown up in the north of Malawi. The orphanage will house 50 kids that have absolutely nowhere else to go. As well as caring for children the orphanage will also house a medical clinic and a fully equipped library available to the public. RAM Issue 8 | 34
www.mphatikizo.com
RAM Issue 8 | 35
Ante-rbZury
Ca
Aoraki / Mount Cook
If you’re itching to go on a mountainous mission, head to the Aoraki / Mount Cook Mackenzie region. This place is a mountaineer’s Mecca, with a shit load of climbs and guided ascents
Your alphabetical guide of things to do see & do in Canterbury this Summer!
host the best new years party. ONE to go down in history! get your mates together and hire an akaroa charter cruise for the day/night.
CYCLE
Boat Cruise
Take your taste buds on a tour of Christchurch city and sample some of Canterbury’s finest culinary delights. The Gourmet Bike Tour is the perfect activity for people who love the outdoors, good food and gorgeous scenery. chchbiketours.co.nz
G
DELUX CINEMA ~ The Tannery Decked out with lush interiors and tasty coffee, craft beer or wine, this deluxe boutique cinema experience is something special. You won’t feel bad heading to this movie theatre if the suns out and everyones at the beach!
e
ECO TOURS Lets face it - we live in some of the most majestic scenery. So take a stroll through our native bush, Canterbury is a mustvisit for nature buffs.
Famous Grouse Hotel Nuf Said
Hagley Oval Summer means cricket!
ICE HOCKEY Escape the heat and go and watch some exhilarating Ice Hockey!
K
KAIKOURA
jump Mega Air will get you high with wall-to-wall fun. If you like to jump, leap, flip, fly, then this RAM Issue 8 | 36 indoor trampoline park is for you this Summer.
A must to do & see this Summer. Take a day trip & visit Ohau waterfall on your way home or stay a while & catch a charter boat to see some whales, seals or dine on fresh crays for lunch. There are a few great pubs here too.
This wee, historic, hilly harbour town, offers great cafés, markets, live music and good crafty’s, Just 20 min from town.
M
MELTON ESTATE
Melton Estate serves great food that’s matched to handcrafted boutique wines. Located in West Melton.
Q
d k ce is a h a shit ascents
O Good surf, swimming, cycling, walking, 4WD, restaurants...what more could you want on a stunners Summer day?!
Q
ORANA PARK
80 hectares of open range zoo. This Park offers amazing animal encounters, like hand feeding giraffes, meeting rhinos & seeing NZ’s only gorillas!
P
Pipeline If you have indulged in too many beers and steaks, then hit the Pipeline for a lung burning, sweat dripping hike, that you’ll feel amazing after reaching the top! The views not too shabby either.
QUARRY
(HAL SWELL)
R
A dog park, picnic areas, walkways around lakes & gardens & a walking route that goes around the perimeter, including a short climb to the rim of the quarry where there is a lookout point. Perfect for a bit of fresh air!
T
V
Pottery, churches, rivers & a rich sheep and dairy farming history.
U
VEGETARIAN CAFE
Lotus Heart - the food is delicious, healthy, locally grown & mainly organic. They cater for all your dietary needs (except for those with carnivorous needs, obviously).
Under The Red Verandah
XCHC
A creative co-working environment providing affordable space for individuals, groups, organisations and anyone ready to experiment, produce, showcase or collaborate. The space is open to hire for events, exhibitions or short term rents for projects or installation-based work. Also boasts great food and coffee.
Yakitori
Y Z
Christchurch has some of the best Japanese & Yakitori is a Japanese type of skewered chicken. Man its good! You’ll find it at Empire Bar and then you can hit the dance floor after with a nicely lined stomach!
W
Waipara Valley Wine Tours
Get a group together & make a day if it, on a private wine trail from Christchurch to the Waipara wineries.
Best brunch ever & great outdoor area. Pefect place to take your Mum.
X
The original bus-converted-intoa-bar is still there. The music is good & loud, the service is cheeky & bowls of cherrios are there for ordering when nostalgia gets the better of you – It’s open for weekend brunch too.
Re:Start Mall
Temuka
Exchange Christchurch
S
SMASH PALACE
CRU(Z) BAR
With DJ’s playing great music from the 70’s through to today. Catering to the gay community CRUZ also offers a fantastic 80’s themed dance club upstairs on the weekends. Cover charges do apply from late evening in the weekends. A night you won’t forget for a long time!
RAM Issue 8 | 37
RAM Issue 8 | 38
WINNER ‘SINGLE & READY TO MINGLE’ COME ON IN TO LUSA TO COLLECT YOUR VOUCHER TODAY!
LUSA.NZ ADD US TODAY!
RAM Issue 8 | 39
GARDEN PARTY SNAPCHATS
LUSA.NZ
RAM Issue 8 | 40
‘PROCRASTINATION’
Station
A similar experie nce to masturbat ion, it fe els good while you’re do ing it, but it sucks afterwar ds when you realize that you just fu*#ed yourself.
BAD JOKES Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field!
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram! What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapus
What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for Uni Bye Son!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’, they hatin’! What kind of pictures do turtles take? Shellfies!
So a seal walks into a club... A man walks into a bar and says “I just got back from the battered woman’s shelter, and boy are my arms tired.” Everyone laughed. The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone. He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter’s pantry, regardless of what others may think.
How did the frog die? He Kermit suicide!
What’s Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear? White vans. What did the overly excited gardner do when spring finally arrived? He wet his plants!
Always trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.
What does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay! Underlay! A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish. It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish. What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wipes his butt. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side!
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans!
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs. How many lives does a Nazi cat have? Nien!
What’s the difference between a snow man and a snow woman? Snow balls!
What’s the difference between a Zippo and a hippo? Ones really heavy, and the other’s a little lighter! A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum. The doctors described his condition as stable.
RAM Issue 8 | 41
A VAGUE AND NONSPECIFIC PREDICTION OF THE FUTURE
Aries March 21 – April 20
HOROSCOPES
Actions take a moment, consequences last a lifetime. Seek comfort in clothing today. Any irritation you feel this week may be due to an oncoming illness, or possibly disease.
Gemini May 22 – June 21 If there’s one thing you can take for granted this week, it’s that things cannot be taken for granted. Don’t shun your naked body, express yourself in lots of new happy naked ways.
Taurus April 21 – May 21 Your “rustic charms” are not an excuse for being smelly and dirty. Good fortune is raining down on everyone but yourself today.
Cancer
Take your time getting where you’re going today. You’re only going to have shitty things happen when you get there. Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio today.
June 22 – July 23 Reading through a dictionary is the least effective way to learn more about the world. Get out there! Assume everyone’s an idiot today and you may find yourself being patronising and brilliantly witty.
Leo July 24 – Aug 23 Butter your bread on both sides so that if the bread falls, you’ll be screwed no matter what. It may be easier to make a toasted sandwich anyways. On another note, the Nigerian bank that is holding your email-friend’s money does not exist.
Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22 This year may seem to have started as you intended, but what’s happened since, eh? Nothing. You haven’t done anything. Get out there and get something sorted!
Libra Sept 24 – Oct 23 Paris Hilton will “pop round” today for a chat and a biscuit, either in spirit or in person. Incidentally, a small chihuahua will piss itself on your couch and crap all over your favourite plants. At this point, it is recommended that you setup webcams all over your house so that you can publish all incidents to a website and earn billions of dollars.
Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22 Clowns with pickaxes will haunt your dreams tonight and will affect you at around mid-morning the following day. The effect of such dreams will cause you to a) be tired, b) look startled when people slam the door, or c) be nice to any clowns you meet.
Flapping your arms like a bird is a good way to call attention to yourself.
Pisces Feb 20 – March 20
Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20 The word “Terry” will be important today for reasons that are as perplexing to us as they will be to you. In fact, we estimate that 99.13% of all your confusion today will be caused by the very idea that “Terry” will be important, today. RAM Issue 8 | 42
Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19 When aiming for greatness, set your sights to “better than greatness”... and when you fail like a miserable shit, you’ll at least be able to blame it on trying too hard.
Be wary of emails claiming to be from PayPal or eBay - they are almost certainly your “most like a junky” friends trying to get a rise out of you. In fact, they’re probably watching you from a webcam placed somewhere around the room you’re currently in. We’re 99% sure that’s where these scam emails come from people YOU know.
SUDOKU
simple
reasonably doable
pretty tricky
perfectly evil
A-MAZE-ING
198