ages & stages
being in love shouldn’t hurt Teach your teen to find healthy relationships By Lynn Dittmer Your teen is starting to date and you are worried: ‘Will they be safe? Will they have made good decisions in their relationship? Will they know where to go if they need help?’ A healthy dating relationship can help your teen develop a positive self-image. It is an opportunity for them to learn how to empathize and understand others. However, your teen also needs to be aware of red flags that can exist in an unhealthy relationship. Your starting point is as simple and as tough as a conversation. Quiz your children. Encourage your teen to ask themselves if they would: A. Stay in a relationship; B. Leave a relationship; or C. Stay in a relationship but proceed with caution if their partner: • doesn’t seem to ever want them to go out with their friends. • tells them what they should or should not wear. accuses them of paying too much attention • to someone else or accuses them of flirting or cheating on them without good reason. • throws things when they get angry. • constantly follows them. • tries to pressure them into doing things they are not comfortable with. Some characteristics of healthy dating relationships are trust, equality, compassion, valuing each other’s differences, honesty, support, and respecting boundaries. Communication is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. There are three ways that people communicate, and two of them can be unhealthy: 1. Aggressive communication. Not listening, overruling the other person’s input, and ignoring their feelings. 2. Passive communication. Not communicating. If a person doesn’t express what they are feeling, hurt, anger, anxiety, and frustration can bottle up inside of them. This can lead to depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, self-harm, or violent reactions. 3. Assertive communication. Communicates what they are honestly feeling without being aggressive or abusive. A youth might say, for example, “Honestly, I’m feeling so angry right now. Can we talk about this tomorrow?” Listening with a genuine effort to understand the other person is essential. Ways to identify what violence and abuse are in a relationship There are three types of violence and abuse that can exist in a relationship: physical, emotional, and sexual. Youth need to realize if they experience physical or sexual assault, they are also being emotionally abused. If they don’t get the right support, they can carry lifelong emotional scars. 1. Emotional abuse. Is your teen being ignored, isolated from others, controlled, corrupted, terrorized, degraded, or exploited (used) by their partner? Does their partner threaten to harm themself or others if they don’t get what they want? Emotional abuse is a chronic attack on a person’s self-esteem. Unfortunately, youth might not get the support they need to deal with emotional abuse, which can lead to depression or violence. 50 • Find us on
“Some characteristics of healthy dating relationships are trust, equality, compassion, valuing each other’s differences, honesty, support, and respecting boundaries.” 2. Physical abuse. It is illegal to shove, grab, slap, or threaten to physically harm someone. Your teen might not be aware that a seemingly ‘little’ push could evolve into something much worse. 3. Sexual abuse. Regardless of your family’s values, your teen should know about sex, the age of consent, and that engaging in activity without knowing, enthusiastic consent is sexual abuse. Coercing, guilting, or refusing to use protection or divulge sexual history, shaming, anger, withdrawing emotionally, or threatening to leave are all behaviors which make sexual activity non-consensual.
If your teen has a friend who is being abused or assaulted, there are few simple things they can do to help. Your teen can: • listen to their friend. • express regret and empathize. • affirm that their friend did the right thing by telling someone. • encourage their friend to report the incident and refer them to resources available. • respect their friend’s privacy and not spread rumours.
Is your teen trapped in a cycle? This is what the cycle of violence looks like: • Two people start out in a ‘honeymoon’ stage: they are passionate and happy. Tension can start to build up. • • Different kinds of abuse occur. • Things escalate into a physically, sexually, or emotionally violent episode. • The tension is released. • The couple goes back to the ‘honeymoon’ stage. The abusive person feels bad about what they did. They usually promise that ‘it will never happen again.’
What else can you do to support your teen? Believe them and support them. Often, your teen won’t tell you that they are being abused because they fear your disapproval and disbelief. And sometimes, your teen won’t let you know they’ve been abused or assaulted because they may have broken your rules at the time. You might want to let them know now that if they are ever in a desperate situation, their safety and emotional well-being are more important. Identify an adult you both trust that they can talk to, if they ever feel uncomfortable discussing certain things with you. They might not tell you certain things because their desire is to maintain that independence. A conversation with your teen is the first step to helping them develop lifelong healthy relationship patterns.
But the cycle of violence will continue until the relationship ends or their partner gets help to deal with their issues. It is important to emphasize to your teen that it is not their fault, empathize with them, and get them the support they need. Getting help is critical.
The Canadian Red Cross promotes safe and supportive relationships and healthy communities. For more information, visit redcross.ca. CCM
