Chapter
1
Chapter
2
Chapter
3
Chapter
4
Tied
INDEPENDENTLY
DEPENDENT & DISTANCED
Looking @ THE BIG PICTURE
Going LDR on your BFF
Chapter
5
Personal GROWTH
Chapter
1
W
“ e’re doing long distance,” I tell them. I can see it in their faces. They have no faith. I might as well have said that I am an actor flying to LA to make it big in Hollywood, because nothing screams you’re a “misfortunate optimist” like dating your high school boyfriend in college. I know, you’re thinking “I don’t really give a shit about this topic,” and maybe you don’t. The word “boyfriend” or even “high school” for that matter is not a desirable topic to most who have passed the 8th grade. But this book isn’t going to be about the heartbreaking difficulties of love and adorned with the sap of a soupy teenage novel.
No, I am going to give this topic some respect,
put it through an x-ray and look at the real bones of having a long distance relationship (romantic or otherwise). There are some really fascinating
psychological alterations that occur when you connect with someone that is not physically present, changes in yourself and how you view your world. First things first, it’s not 1942, I am not waiting every morning at the mailbox to see if the letter I sent 3 months earlier made it past the battlefields to my man. In fact its not even 1982 where I have to worry about when he will be home so I can catch him on the phone or even rely on pagers. Hell we are past emails, even Facebook is dying. It’s about Facetime now. Skyping, video chatting, I can see him in “virtual” person whenever I want. There is a constant flow of communication that was not possible in the past. Still, there comes the obvious downside that no matter how much we virtually interact… it’s virtual. However , during your first years of college this can be surprisingly… pretty handy. Now before you think I am a coldhearted woman, I am merely explaining the
benefits of long distance within the obvious disadvantage of not being with your man. Part of the “misfortunate optimist” label us long-distancers receive, is
that people assume we won’t fully connect to what’s around us. There is a fear that if you go to college, and your boyfriend is somewhere else, that you are going to inhibit your ability to experience where you are. Such as not going to go out with friends, meeting other people, or focusing on schoolwork, because
of my day to go and visit him multiple times a week. I can multi-task and focus more on the present. I can talk to him on my schedule because… his schedule doesn’t affect me in booniesville. We aren’t going to be seeing each other either way, so I might as well call him while
you’re focused on something far away. It’s actually the opposite. I’m not taking hours out
I do my laundry. And when it comes to the weekend, I don’t have the excuse to stay in
and watch movies with my boyfriend. Especially now that I got that laundry done, I can go do girls night out or have that solo study session I desperately need. What I am saying is that dating someone far away can be freeing. The catch is, you have to let it. What dating long distance has taught me more then anything, is how to say goodbye. I know, its ironic since… that’s the opposite of what we are doing, which is staying together. But, when you know you aren’t going to see someone for a long time it makes saying goodbye so much harder. So much harder that
it’s not worth upsetting yourself over. If you only focus on the moments you’re not with him, it’s not worth celebrating the relationship you’re able to maintain. The fact is, we say goodbye constantly. And I don’t mean just with your boyfriend, I mean with everybody and everything. People die, people move, we age, these paths we make in our lives are constantly evolving. If you hold on to everything like it is your rock that can’t leave you, you are going to crumble.
Sometimes the strongest relationships have to be
the most flexible. Topher, my boyfriend, is my rock. So is my mother. Am I moving away from them constantly? Yes. I can’t come home for every holiday my whole life, I can’t afford to spend my summers at home every year. Nor do I plan to. I am in Chicago, this is where my future leads right now, where my opportunities are. I’ve been forced to realize that I need to accept change without letting it devalue
my connections to people. I am ready and aware that someday I may have to break up with Topher, but accepting that now allows me to enjoy what is working today instead of fearing tomorrow. This is
a life skill that applies to everything.
Chapter
2
S
o if I made long distance relationships seem like they are a piece of pumpkin pie; smooth, delicious, and oozing with comfort and nostalgia, then I have led you astray. Besides the nostalgia, which isn’t always comforting, long distance is not simple. It’s very complicated. Complicated because it’s counter-intuitive. You are being with someone without actually “being” with someone.
long term action plan, you keep him in your long term action plan. I only have a few windows of time to visit him when I am not in school. But when I am not in school is when I can go abroad, do internships, and do more school. All of these things are great and a necessary part of my growth but
So problem number one: you are supporting a relationship that has less than the average guarantee of survival. I am a believer that doing long distance is not a solution, it is just a substitute for the real thing until it is possible to be with each other in person. Unlike my grandmothers generation I am not
attending college just to fill the time and find a husband to support me. I am not planning to marry Topher. Though I am not opposed to the idea, I am 20 years old and well… I’m a 20 year old. I can’t keep myself from still dreaming little girl fantasies. After all, I grew up on a steady diet of Disney movies. I can understand, however, that making major life decisions based on someone you are not really around on a regular basis can be unhealthy. Problem number two: despite your efforts of keeping him from affecting your
I can’t prevent myself from thinking about him when I look at winter break internships. When he reads awesome year abroad program pamphlets to me over the phone, you don’t think I secretly cringe? It’s always going to taint my thoughts and my decisions, no matter how mature I pretend to be at separating us from my goals. So should I break it off right away? There are no large issues currently, I am not rooted permanently in Chicago at this point, but what happens if I make lots of little decisions based on him ? Will they not eventually add up? Will I miss opportunities because my interest in traveling away from him, other connecting with other boys even, will not be there. Should I just nip it in the bud now and go explore? Problem number 3: Truth be told, a long distance relationship isn’t actually as fun as I made it seem. Being apart from each other daily is not ideal. Yes, it has its perks, and yes it makes the time you do have with him very special but come
on. On the nights it isn’t girls night I want to go out with my man around my waist. I want to dress up and not feel guilty I look too sexy, but enjoy looking sexy for my boyfriend. How many times do I put effort into looking cute and the only person I really want to notice isn’t there? Or when I just want to get a bite to eat
You spend more time on getting to know each other or having important talks, but sometimes I just don’t want a text that’s says “goodnight, I love you” when I close my eyes. I want to feel that text. I want a squeeze from his arms wrapped around me. I want to be the little spoon. Sadly, I fall asleep clutching technology to my chest instead of a
at a cute restaurant near my apartment after a bad day at school? I want someone to touch, not just talk to. Yes, I love our conversations, and getting rid of physical interaction can make your relationship a lot stronger in many ways.
human. If I get breast cancer it will be from sleeping with my cell phone like a teddy bear.
Chapter
3
THE
BIG PICTURE
We
live in a world where distance is not a huge issue. We send employees to China for a weekend, go to weddings in Hawaii, visit Grandma in New Orleans for Thanksgiving, all large distances for relatively short periods of time. This is a modern phenomenon that would have been unthinkable decades ago. So now that we can all go around the world in 80 days, or 80 hours I should say, how often do we love someone from afar? With 30,000 commercial carrier flights per day, how many passengers are on the way to see a loved one?
I admit, I chose to write about long distance relationships because I thought it was a unique thing about myself. Turns out it isn’t so unique. While I’m busy imagining myself fighting against societal norms, 33% of college students are thinking the same thing. That’s a ninth of the whole student body dating long distance
longboard and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon, but date their hometown sweetheart as well. Long distance has its own acronym now; “We’re doing LDR” is apparently a legitimate phrase. Though it’s probably a requirement to chew bubblegum and twirl your hair while saying it, LDR is right next to LOL in the
in 2012. Apparently the modern day hipster has to not o n l y
urban dictionary. Who knew I was so hip? It’s not a real surprise how common long distance is in college. It wasn’t till the last 20 years that attending an out of state school became common place. In the past, most high school sweethearts had the advantage of being within the same state lines if not the same university. However, with accessible transportation, the trend of out of state education, and a bad economy, things have changed. When the economy is rough we can’t afford to move states and rely on finding a new job, we depend on the work we have established and our professional goals surpass all others. Historically this hasn’t been an issue, particularly for the female half.
Ladies, things have changed. There is a reason relationships were not complicated with location issues back when Grandma was around. Grandpa had the job. When he transferred, she transferred. Even if us Generation X and Y ladies still had the early 20th century female mentality of
THE
BIG PICTURE
striving to become the mother of five in a picket fence suburb with a full set of Tupperware, it’s not possible. Unless your man makes bank, a middle class life is not possible without two incomes. Never has it crossed my mind to drop what I am studying to follow Topher. Sure, he is studying physics and computer science
which are both financially secure majors (cough, cough) and I won’t pretend that this financial security hasn’t crossed my mind as a nice benefit if we ever got hitched... But there is no way I am going to alter my life plan based on this. I grew up in
a
feminist
the exception of women. To not be financially dependent on the male, is a new mindset girls are having in the last half-century. I have never thought of sacrificing my education or professional success based on my relationship with someone. I come first cause I can’t, and
culture. I think
would never want to, depend solely on Topher.
about my success and have always imagined myself making good money on my own. In fact I have always pictured myself being the bread maker in the family. That is my mom’s role in my home today. People are trained to depend on themselves first before others, with
This is a mutual mindset. We are both sticking to our guns, which makes compromise a lot more difficult. I’m sure this is a unique problem. Not.
60%
50%
40%
30%
20%
10%
1890’s
1920
1950
1970
1980
1990
So if there are so many LDR couples out there in the same boat, how many are actually staying afloat? According to statistics most long distance couples average out to be 125 miles (which is nothing) from each other and visit each other 1.5 times a month. Though I’m doing 3 times the distance than the average, I do see him about the same frequency. This seems promising. Well unfortunately 40% of long distance relationships fail. But that leaves 60% that stay strong. In fact 75% of those
successful lovebirds will get engaged, and 10% of all marriages started out as a long distance relationship! Who knew? The rates really aren’t all that bad. However, most relationships are only long distance for 14 months with occasional short visits. Excluding summer, Topher and I will be at that mark in a month. Does that mean we are against the odds? Hmmm... I’m feeling
not so comforted anymore.
Chapter
4
Hey where are you going?
I got this opportunity across country...
BFF ON YOUR
S
o it’s junior year of high school, you love your friends, but you are very aware of the freedom ahead of you. You are sandwiched, not as bad as a sophomore, but you’re not a senior and your cool factor, freedom, and sentimentality haven’t kicked in yet. In other words, you are ready to move on. With all those pamphlets from college fairs, you are thinking of studying in Europe, or at
least going to the coasts, or at least going out of state… or at least out of the city? Your mind changes as graduation gets closer. One, because transportation, out of state tuition, big city living costs, all start coming into play. Then there is simply the
realization that you still love home. And with that we begin our next chapter.
AN P JA
PERU
IND
IA
FRANCE
I am here in a big old city, which I love, unless it’s rush hour and my head is pinned between two business men’s armpits on the L. While I love it here, it’s difficult to recreate what you have at home. I know a lot of people who hate their hometown. While they could care less about looking back, I find myself often recalling how unique my high school experience was and how true my friends were. If I hadn’t started on the damn volleyball team in August 2007 I don’t know who I would be today. I became best friends with three other girls on that team. We were just known as a group, if you invited one of us, you invited us all. I’m sure you’re thinking of a similar group you knew when you went to high school, but if you’re thinking of the plastics (the volleyball reference probably put you in the “bitch” domain), that was from Mean Girls honey, not your personal experience, and we were nothing of the sort. We were only exclusive when we just needed us time. Us time would involve skinny dipping, jumping off bridges, dressing up in tribal outfits for a fake National Geographic photoshoot, putting construction signs in peoples yards, prank ordering the drive
through at McDonalds. We would say “I would like a hot fuck Sunday, and some nipples on my cheeseburger,” and they never caught us. You roll your eyes but one day after reading this you will let it slip when you order just to see what happens. Try it, I dare you. We were so apart of each other’s lives, so incredibly intertwined, that we were borderline telepathic. Even our boyfriends felt they dated all of us. The thing is, by junior year I was claustrophobic. I hated being defined by them, I thought it was weak to be so dependent on each other. So I starting hanging out out with different folk until I realized that having a strong relationship with someone didn’t make you weak. In fact I realized that the rest of the girls I knew were a lot weaker because they didn’t have any strong relationships to hold them together. Everyone was searching for what I already had. I also didn’t realize how rarely it occurred. I never gave making friends as something difficult, I took it for granted because I had so many best friends even outside that group, infact I had 8 to be exact. Now everyone has a lot
of best friends, right, but I mean BEST friends. Friends that I can shower naked with kind of friends. Let me explain how I collected so many. I’m not as popular as you probably think I am, or as cocky as I sound. First and number one best friend, who I have made into the category of sister, is Rose Katherine Knaeble Hartnett. She and I were co-raised together. Our mothers would take turns watching us till the line of whose mom was who, and whose house was whose, was scrambled in our toddler minds. We were both only children, so having each other was what saved us from a bad case of only child syndrome. In grade school I made a group of four best friends. Just like my high school group, we were truly close. Close enough that now, six years from graduation, we are still getting together and laughing our asses off. So especially since I went from one best friend quartet to another after grade school graduation, I definitely assumed it would happen again in college. But the truth is, making friends isn’t as magical as
I thought it would be. In fact the irony of it all is that each of my high school foursome made two other best friends who fell apart because it seems, three is not the same as four. Now we are all realizing that wow, no one is filling the gap that we have for eachother. The catch is, even when you make other friends, you can be really close with someone but not be the same on the core issues. And the funny thing is, usually the core issues comes from being raised in the same environment. So it can be more difficult finding these core friends far away from home. I wanted to include friendships as part of my long distance story because friendships are another very important relationship that goes through change when you move apart. For Rose and I, it has been occurring for a while now, since we have always attended different schools. Now that I am in college and I physically can’t go and visit people except on holidays it gets even worse. I have eight people to call and update on my life. There are things that help this, social networking such as Facebook
groups, but things are bound to change. Friendships are interesting because unlike a boyfriend you’re not torn up about not being with them every second. You
can pick up exactly where you left off when you see each other again. But things do change, and I admit my grade school friends’ relationships have significantly done so. The interesting thing is that long distance, as I said earlier, is a game of acceptance. Last time I got together with my grade school friends everyone ended up crying because we weren’t “best friends” anymore. Six years had gone by and we weren’t connected in the same way. I just looked at my friends and I was like “Guys, we’ve moved on. That’s ok.”
They all looked at me like I was the biggest bitch in the world. But I explained, “You couldn’t assume we were going to hang out with each other that often, look at how much our lives have already altered away from each other, it’s only going to get worse!” They looked at me like I was the friendship devil. “If we rely on physical meetings and phone calls to keep us together we might as well cry the rest of our lives away. Cause we won’t be able to pull that off, so instead we need to change our definition of what a best friend is. We need to accept that
we won’t be there all the time, that we might meet annually, but we have to embrace that and enjoy those times
we get together. It’s about the chemistry we have. We are friends not because you told me your deepest secret, because we could talk about something as random as hamsters or shoe polish for hours. Because we connect as people.” Those core issues I mentioned are the glue. This speech, though it might sound good to you, actually didn’t fly at all. They still were drawing devil horns on my head with their mind markers. They were trying to pull the past into the present. I realized that I had already accepted the new terms of our relationship. I had moved on to the reality of a long distance relationship.
Chapter
5
I
n any relationship there is dependence, which can get confused with having a strong bond. There is a difference. You can be attached at the hip emotionally while being independent. You just have to separate the relationship with physical interactions by valuing the emotional connection with the person and not the time you spend together. If I thought that my relationship with Topher,
Erin, Emma, Gina, Ali, Kathryn, Bea, Rose, or my mom, was constructed by time with them, I would be longing to be with them constantly and depressed by the fact that our relationship is doomed. Being in a long distance relationship is not being in denial of the fact that your relationship is doomed. No one should function that way. We must accept the terms and grow.
In the case of Topher and I, though I consider him a best friend, there is a difference in the degree of casualness of our relationship. I can make other friends while I’m at college and still have my old ones, but I can’t
rate than if we actually were together, and in that time have wasted so much personal growth.” My theory, that a relationship can still be just as legitimate over distance as in person, cracked. Meanwhile, while I
have another boyfriend and keep the old one. Despite how
was
much I go into “not letting the relationship depend on not physically being together” well it matters to a certain extent. For example this past month I have been dying. It has been the biggest rough patch in the whole year and a half we have been dating long distance. Why? Well actually it came from writing this book. As I analyzed the pros and cons, especially when I looked at the data of other long distance couples, I realized that maybe I hadn’t thought about how influential dating someone long distance could be on my development. One comment I read on a LDR blog said that dating long distance is like
dating someone at half the speed. It is much easier to date someone for longer and grow half as much because your relationship occupies a lot less of your time and you have fewer interactions to start conflicts. I was thinking, “Wow, I don’t want to date him for three years of my college life, find out it’s not worth it at a much slower
having
these
doubts,
my roommate Sammy broke up with her LDR boyfriend. Seeing her meet other people and have freedom to date people casually without it affecting her job opportunities, living arrangement, or future goals, I started seeing the other side of the coin. Even worse was when I learned one of my guy friend’s new roommate had a crush on me. Even worse was when I had a conversation with the guy and it lasted for over an hour, I actually had a connection with this kid. Was it better then mine with Topher? Hell no. In fact, everything I liked about him was the stuff that reminded me of To p h e r.
But he was here, he was part of my college experience, and that difference started being pretty significant in my mind. He was friends with my friends, went out to the same parties, even shared my same major. The
tell Topher my issues in case he wanted an immediate break. With any break I risked us not getting back together. Yet, part of me really wanted that break. But I tell you, out of every human I have met on this earth, out of
next few weeks I was flooded with thoughts of what it would be like to actually call up my boyfriend after a long day in the computer lab and ask to go out and get a nice bite to eat. What it would be like to just casually date and not constantly have my longterm action plan in the back of my mind. It’s gross how much marriage flows through my mind at my age, but dating long distance does that to you. So long story short, Topher and I talk about it, we agree that maybe we should take a break later this year, and
all 8 of my other best friends, with maybe the exception of my mother, I can communicate the best with Topher. We share the same language. My art teacher once laughed and said, “It’s funny, you guys
I fell deeper in love with him because of his maturity in handling a conversation about me crushing on another guy. I had been afraid to
are very different but you share the same brain waves”. I tell everyone the only fault I have with Topher is that I met him too young. It’s true, but I need to start thinking about how beneficial this whole experience has been for me. As I sit here, a month after I began writing this book, I honestly don’t feel any more sure about what the hell I’m doing then when I started. What I do know is that if I can’t celebrate the outcome of these long distance relationships, I need to embrace how much I have developed as a person through them. I blame my only child syndrome. I subconsciously make selfish decisions more than Topher would. I am tempted to flirt with people on the weekends, wear a little too revealing outfit to outrageous parties,
and overlook some of the things Topher wouldn’t approve of. Yet I am in love with Topher, and that keeps me from making the selfish choice. This sounds obvious, but in all of my other
the process of letting go and being ready to accept change has been very beneficial. Looking into myself and thinking about what I really want, having to think about my long term goals, has really pushed me. I think
friend and family relationships, I would often selfishly choose who I wanted to hang out with most because I had so many to choose from.
about my career and where I want to be in four years a lot more realistically than the average college student who is ready to be swung wherever the wind blows. I have goals I want to meet because I am actively thinking in the future. In any relationship commitment is a big thing. Participating, learning to cooperate, and maintain something for over a year is an incredible skill to develop. Topher may or may not be the one I marry. Maybe we will break off, maybe we won’t. But I know that I will never regret this time in my life,
Being selfish has been one of my biggest faults in a relationship. I have learned to be patient. Topher doesn’t always get back to me on my timeline. Learning that he is actually not going to be able to visit me when I thought he would can be devastating, but coping with that has made me stronger. I am an incredibly sentimental person so even going through
Prince Charming, Do you mind coming back later?
What?
because of how much Topher means to me, but also because of how much this experience of doing long distance has impacted who I am. I think it is very important to keep ties with people, to always have a strong network
beneficial change in my young life. That
of relationships to not only fall back on but to constantly support you and your self worth. Knowing someone loves you has been proven to be the most important element in survival. Infants in orphanages who have their basic needs met but no human interaction die before their second birthday. Keeping relationships with our family and friends is important and should not be broken by distance. Topher, if you are reading this book years from now, whether we are together or not, know that you were the most significant
love for you will never die, but alter as distance and change grows between us.
you made me mature in ways I had not known and continue life more prepared than anything else could have taught me. I will always love you for this. My