I want to disappear - Dummy Version | 14.2.2016

A note for those affected by eating disorders The texts, pictures or other content in this book might revive your own, painful memories.

Please be considerate while reading.

„But what‘s wrong with you?

You do like the food, don‘t you?“

In the past, I always wanted to be a boy.

One year before graduation I lost 8 kilograms for the first time … But no one seemed to notice, and it didn’t last for a long time. What happened mainly was that I did get my whole system pretty confused due to losing that weight and as a result I was always very hungry… That’s why until the third semester of college I went up to my old weight.

Before puberty I used to be a rather slim child. My hair was really short and I was always the tiniest in my class. Sometimes strangers thought that I was a boy. But I liked it when they thought that.

I used to hang out with boys a lot, we climbed up things and ran around.

My knees used to be mostly skinned, and I had a lot of bruises. I used to be very wild and very free- until I hit puberty.

That’s when I started to get worse.

My body changed- I grew taller, and started gaining weight and becoming more feminine – I didn’t like that at all. That was not my old self anymore, I didn’t know myself like that- I always used to be the slender, slim and sporty one…

There, I was in a completely new situation, I had left home, I was lonely, I was isolated. In my studies at the technical university, I suddenly was confronted with something I didn’t know at all- I heard about things that I didn’t understand right away. That was really bad for my self-confidence.

I thought: “Will I ever understand this? Am I too stupid for that?”

Back then I also didn’t know where I belonged. I was not one of the men, I was not one of the women, I was not one of the children… that was a big issue for me… and then the loneliness. I think I was missing an idol, something like a role model… I often saw other women on the street and I thought… “ I don’t want to be like that one, that one neither…and that one neither.”

Because of my insecurities I decided to focus on my studies and to eat little. Very little. I lost 20 kilograms in three months.

Not eating did help me get better actually- because I felt like my old self again. Losing weight was okay, the real problem was that I already felt great after I have lost ten kilos. The feeling however did stay, even afterwards, and then I just lost some more and more and there was no limit.

Sometimes I was like “Okay, that’s enough!”- but after losing another half a kilogram I felt happy again. I couldn’t control it anymore.

In 1987 I had my first in-patient stay at a hospital. In April I went to a therapist and he told me that they had a free spot starting in August, that’s when I could get admitted… In these months, I have lost another seven kilos. Or at least my body did… I also blame my therapist on that. He told me “You know, there is no limit in losing weight.”- by saying that he provoked me to lose even more weight. Later on he told me that he did this on purpose... He told me that it’s much easier to pull anorexics out their illness when they really have hit rock bottom – when their structure is starting to break down.

.yob a eb ot detnaw syawla I ,tsap eht nI

-c a r e t t e b t e g e m p l e h d i d g n i t a e t oN f les dlo ym ek i l tlef I esuaceb -yl l au t eh t ,ya ko saw thgiew gn isoL .n i aga t l e f y d a e r l a I t a h t s a w m elbo rp l a e r eTh .sol i k net tsol evah I ret f a taer g -ret f a neve ,ya ts di d revewoh gn i leef e r o m e m o s t s o l t s u j I n e h t d n a ,s d r a w . t i m i l o n s a w e r e h t d n a e ro m d n a s’ta h t ,ya kO“ ek i l saw I sem i temoS reh ton a gn isol ret f a tub -”!hguone I .n i a g a y pp a h t l e f I m a r g ol i k a f l a h .erom yn a ti lor tnoc t’n dl uoc ya ts tnei tap-n i tsr fi ym da h I 7891 n I - e h t a o t t n e w I l i rp A n I .l a t ip s o h a t a a d a h y e h t t a h t e m dlo t e h d n a t s ip a r s’ta h t ,tsu guA n i gn i t r a ts tops eer f eseh t n I …det ti m da teg dl uoc I nehw n e v e s r e h t o n a t s o l e v a h I ,s h t n o m I …di d ydob ym tsael ta rO .sol i k eH . t a h t no t s ip a r e h t y m e m a lb o s l a ti m i l on si ereh t ,won k uoY “ em dlot ta h t gn i yas yb -”.thgiew gn isol n i e ro m n e v e e s ol o t e m d e ko v o rp e h e h t a h t e m dlo t e h no r e t a L . t h gi e w ta h t em dlot eH ...esop r up no si h t di d tuo sci xeron a l l up ot reisae h cum s’ti e v a h y l l a er y eh t n eh w s s en l l i r i eh t -u t c u r t s r i e h t n e h w – m o t t o b k c o r t i h .n w od k a e rb o t gn i t r a t s s i e r

8 t s ol I noi t a u d a r g e ro f e b r a e y e n O on tuB … em i t tsr fi eh t rof sm ar gol i k t’n di d ti dn a ,eci ton ot demees eno deneppa h ta h W .em i t gnol a rof tsal elo h w y m t eg di d I t a h t s a w y l n i a m g n i s ol o t e u d d e s u f no c y t t e rp m e t s y s -l a s a w I t l u s e r a s a d n a t h g i e w t a h t l i tn u yhw s’ta Th …y r gn uh y rev s yaw t n e w I eg el lo c f o r e t s e m e s d r i h t e h t .t h gi e w dlo y m o t p u -is wen yletelpmoc a n i saw I ,ereTh ,ylenol saw I ,emoh t fel dah I ,noi tau t e h t t a s ei d u t s y m n I .d e t a lo s i s a w I saw yl neddus I ,y tisrevi n u l aci n h cet t’n di d I gn i h temos h ti w detnor f noc t a h t s g n i h t t u o b a d r a e h I -l l a t a w o n k ta Th .yawa thgi r dn a tsredn u t’n di d I .ecnedfi noc-f les ym rof dab yl l aer saw d n a t s r e d n u r e v e I l l i W “ :t h g u o h t I ”?ta h t rof dipu ts oot I m A ?si h t erehw won k t’n di d osl a I neh t k caB ,n e m e h t f o e no t o n s a w I .d eg nol e b I s a w I ,n e mo w e h t f o e no t o n s a w I a saw ta h t …ner dl i h c eh t fo eno ton -enol eh t neh t dn a …em rof eussi gib ,l o d i n a g n i s s i m s a w I k n i h t I .s s e n i l net fo I …ledom elor a ek i l gn i h temos d n a t e e r t s e h t no n e mo w r e h t o w a s ek i l eb ot tn aw t’nod I “ …thguoh t I ta h t dn a…reh tien eno tah t ,eno tah t ”.reh tien eno d edi c ed I s ei t i r u c e s n i y m f o e s ua c e B -t ti l tae ot dn a sei du ts ym no su cof ot n i s m ar gol i k 02 tsol I .el t ti l y reV .el .s h t n o m e e r h t

r e h t a r a e b o t d e s u I y t r e b u p e ro f e B t ro h s y l l a e r s a w r i a h y M .dl i h c m i l s y m n i t s ei n i t e h t s y a w l a s a w I d n a t h g u o h t s r e g n a r t s s e m i t e m o S .s s a l c nehw ti dek i l I tuB .yob a saw I tah t .ta h t thguoh t y eh t e w ,t ol a s y o b h t i w t u o g n a h o t d e s u I .d n u o r a n a r d n a s g n i h t p u d e b m i l c ,d en n i k s y l t s o m e b o t d e s u s e en k y M o t d e s u I .s e s i u r b f o t o l a d a h I d n a t i h I l i t n u - e e r f y r e v d n a dl i w y r e v e b .y t rebup .esrow teg ot det r a ts I nehw s’ta Th dn a ,rel l a t wer g I -degn ah c ydob yM g n i mo c e b d n a t h gi e w g n i n i a g d e t r a t s ta tah t ek i l t’n di d I – en i n i mef erom ,erom yn a f les dlo ym ton saw ta Th .l l a -l a I -tah t ek i l f les ym won k t’n di d I dn a m i ls ,rednels eh t eb ot desu s yaw …eno y t rops

I still remember how that was like.

She wouldn’t eat anything anymore, except for apples and pretzels...

At some point, I started going to the gas station every morning to buy bread rolls- so that we would have them in the house at all times.

In summer, we went on a hiking trip.

That wasn’t easy.

My biggest concern was whether we could buy those damn bread rolls there – I was afraid that if not, my child would starve.

When I think about it today, the most shocking thing for me is that I somehow never thought about when I want to stop losing weight.

I have always been skinny. When I was a child, I could eat whatever I wanted, food has never been a big issue for me. Then, in high school, the topic of nutrition came up for the first time. We also talked about anorexia, this was my first contact with those subjects. Back then, I remember telling my friend something like “Wow, I can’t even imagine not eating chocolate anymore!”.

There was also the school trip to the UK. We were at a fast food joint. The lady working there was anorexic, and it was weird for me.

We all looked at her, she really was like a creature from another world. You don’t see something like that so often, something so…so very skinny… Actually, the word skinny doesn’t describe it anymore, it was more like she was a walking skeleton or something… it was weird.

It all started when I began telling myself “ I need to lose weight, I need to lose weight, I need to lose weight.”

It took me a while to really start losing weight. I went on a diet, together with a friend. After a short while, she stopped. I didn’t. That’s what’s still the most shocking part for me, in retrospect. I never thought about when I wanted to stop losing weight. I just lost more and more, I started restricting myself from even more things, I remember having a feeling of remorse. At the beginning I was also heavily working out.

At first, I was feeling great doing all that. I had the power, the energy, I was fit as a fiddle. But because I always have been skinny, I quickly became underweight and I suddenly started to get really tired really quickly.

I didn’t have the energy to do anything anymore. I just went on and on. If the others didn’t stop me, I don’t know what would have happened.

My mother once told me „B- you came home from school one day and said „I always get soo tired when I

climb up the stairs at school.“ – that was the moment when your dad and me knew that we had to do something.

The first stop was the children’s hospital. But there they said „Your daughter is not skinny enough to get admitted here.“ My BMI was 14, I weighed 35 kilograms. And I was not skinny enough to get admitted.

That was crazy. But I did get a spot at the children’s hospital after all, and soon they moved me to the children’s psychiatry ward.

I stayed there for three months. That was the first of many in-patient treatments, some of them for years at a time. In retrospect, I always thought to myself „Well, if I manage to achieve the weight that I had before, then everything will also go back to how it was like before!.” I had no idea what I was dealing with at the time.

gnikcohs tsom eht ,yadot ti tuoba kniht I nehW thguoht reven wohemos I taht si em rof gniht .thgiew gnisol pots ot tnaw I nehw tuoba

tah t – “.looh cs ta sr i a ts eh t pu bm i l c d a d r u o y n e h w t n e mo m e h t s a w od o t da h e w ta h t w en k em dn a .gn i h temos s’ner dl i h c eh t saw pots tsr fi eTh r uoY„ di as yeh t ereh t tuB .l a tipsoh o t hguon e y n n i k s t on s i r e thgua d ,41 saw I MB yM “.ereh det ti m da teg saw I dn A .sm ar gol i k 53 dehgiew I .d e t t i m d a t eg o t h g u o n e y n n i k s t o n tops a teg di d I tuB .y z arc saw ta Th ,l l a ret f a l a tipsoh s’ner dl i h c eh t ta e h t o t e m d e v o m y e h t no o s d n a .dr aw y r tai h cy sp s’ner dl i h c ta Th .sh tnom eer h t rof ereh t deya ts I tnei tap-n i yn a m fo tsr fi eh t saw s r a e y r o f m e h t f o e m o s ,s t n e m t a e r t s yawl a I ,t cepsor ter n I .em i t a ta egan am I f i ,l leW„ f les ym ot thguoh t d a h I t a h t t h gi e w e h t e v ei h c a o t og osl a l l i w gn i h t y reve neh t ,erofeb I ”.!erofeb ek i l saw ti woh ot k cab h t i w g n i l a ed s a w I t a h w a edi on da h .em i t eh t ta

g n i l l e t n a g e b I n e h w d e t r a t s l l a tI d e e n I ,t h gi e w e s ol o t d e e n I “ f l e s y m ”.thgiew esol ot deen I ,thgiew esol ot t r a t s y l l a e r o t el i h w a e m ko o t tI , t ei d a no t n e w I . t h gi e w g n i s ol t ro h s a r e t f A .d n ei r f a h t i w r e h t eg o t s’ta Th .t’n di d I .deppots ehs ,el i hw gn i k cohs tsom eh t l l i ts s’tahw reven I .t cepsor ter n i ,em rof t r ap o t d e tn a w I n eh w t uob a thguoh t e ro m t s ol t s u j I . t h gi e w g n i s ol po t s gn i t ci r tser det r a ts I ,erom dn a I ,s g n i h t e r o m n e v e m o r f f l e s y m fo gn i l eef a gn i v a h r eb m em er saw I gn i n n i geb eh t tA .esromer . t u o g n i k ro w y l i v a e h o s l a l l a gn iod taer g gn i leef saw I ,tsr fi tA I ,y grene eh t ,rewop eh t dah I .tah t saw s yawl a I esuaceb tuB .el ddfi a sa tfi em aceb yl k ci uq I ,yn n i ks neeb evah d e t r a t s y l n eddu s I d n a t h gi e w r ed n u .yl k ci uq yl l aer der i t yl l aer teg ot od ot y grene eh t evah t’n di d I no tnew tsuj I .erom yn a gn i h t yn a pots t’n di d sreh to eh t fI .no dn a eva h dl uow tahw won k t’nod I ,em .d e n e p p a h u o y - B „ e m dlo t e c no r e h t o m y M d n a y a d e no lo o h c s mo r f e mo h e m a c I n e h w d e r i t o o s t eg s y a w l a I „ di a s

neh W .yn n i ks neeb s yawl a evah I r e v e t a h w t a e dl uoc I ,dl i h c a s a w I a n e e b r e v en s a h d o o f ,d e t n a w I hgi h n i ,neTh .em rof eussi gib e m a c n o i t i r t u n f o c i p o t e h t ,l o o h c s dek l a t osl a eW .em i t tsr fi eh t rof pu tsr fi ym saw si h t ,ai x eron a tuoba k c a B .s t c e jb u s e s o h t h t i w t c a t n o c d n ei r f y m g n i l l e t r e b m e m e r I ,n e h t neve t’n ac I ,woW “ ek i l gn i h temos e t a lo c o h c g n i t a e t o n e n i g a m i .”!erom yn a ot pi r t looh cs eh t osl a saw ereTh doof tsaf a ta erew eW .K U eh t saw ereh t gn i krow ydal eTh .tn ioj .em rof dr iew saw ti dn a ,ci x eron a yl l aer ehs ,reh ta dekool l l a eW r e h t o n a mo r f e r u t a e r c a e k i l s a w ek i l gn i h temos ees t’nod uoY .dlrow os…os gn i h temos ,net fo os tah t drow eh t ,yl l au t cA …yn n i ks y rev ,erom yn a ti ebi rcsed t’nseod yn n i ks g n i k l a w a s a w e h s e k i l e ro m s a w t i saw ti …gn i h temos ro noteleks .d r i e w

Don’t eat too fast.

Don’t gobble down your food.

Chew and cut the food carefully.

Leave food over. Don’t ever eat up if you’re not asked to.

Always stick to the same routine and order: vegetables, protein, carbs, fat – like this, you stay in control at all times.

I lliw ,flesym dlot I os ,niaga reveN -”niaga reveN“ .niaga ydob ym otni parc hcum os tel

redndann üseg nbinnen eh cssi2b n i e r ed ei w h ci Ich habe Wochen nebe Kilos r i w neabgenommen. bah n n aD .ethUnd cöm dabei nes se sieben neh ca S-sregar h ctnicht aw thgso ieW d hEssen con r un eigentlich vieleian rovad überhaupt h cua r i w nenicht, ba h ses ad hat , t h c o k eg gedacht, r aw aufgehört. ei wdnegr i ,Ich th chatte a meg so t foeinen no h c s einfach cI .gi gund ewbich a thhatte ci n tpüberhaupt ua h r e b ü s a d Ekel hdavor, ropS lei vund ,nenkeine nogebLusth cuakeine eba h keinentAppetit, dnUMenschen... .h ci l m ieh h cwar ua ..die .neganze h ca m u z Lust auf nen nschlecht ogeb h ci gelaunt... eba h gi tiezund h ci el g Zeit extrem h ci l tnegie so... h ci egzerbrechlich, n al ei w netseund t u z s ua gleichzeitig .nessfertig e uz emit n hoden n n aNerven. k n etl a h h cr ud komplett s ib n n a d ,21 s ib o s s a d g n i g s g n a f n A n n adann wdnesehr gr i dschlimm n u ..ier d ,weil iew zes,sim n ie Es war osl a ,snatürlich h ces redoallen f n ü f aufgefallen s ib h cua n n a d Internat w s aD .gaT dann nez n aalle g nedazu d h ci l t n egi e ist.r aMich haben .gezwungen, h ci m r ü f t ropwir S resind gi th cim i r nSpeisesaal ie os s l a m a d gesessen, und sie haben dann immer n retnbleiben I sn i rejetzt dei w bis n n adu d h ci s l A gesagtta„Wir nebeL ehast“. tl a sadBei n n amir d gwar n i g kes cü r u z aufgegessen r i wschon – retiebeides, w tbahealso g ei Bulimie w h ci l t n egi e immer et tah dn ugemeinsam ,etueL elei v–l lund o v n er a w undnAnorexie ez n agsie ei dmich nebadazu h dn ugezwungen , ß a p S l ei v l lo v je mehr h ci dndesto u ,nesmehr segegbin se ß üSeben lei v raufs u ti e Z haben, ich uar d t telpmDas ok rwar edeiso w hein cafkleiner n ie ba h Klo fgegangen. .nesbin s i h c s eg Teufelskreis… schlussendlich ich aus dem Internat ausgezogen.

Da hatte ich dann 38kg. Das war wirklich deutlich weniger als am Anfang. Die Internatsleiterin hat alles meiner Mama erzählt… das war ein ziemliches Drama.

Und.. dn uich t r ühab’ pseg mir ei wgesagt dnegr i hokay, ci ebaich h s aD willsanie d ,nwieder en nogezunehmen. b h can dn uNie h cawieder n n n ad im Leben ,h con ßwill iewich h cIdieses .nek cuGewicht l h c s u z r etn u r zunehmen. r hes en ieIch l a mhabe redeimmer i w se bnach ag l a m n ie gewissen n er a w Regeln el l a dngegessen, u ,noi tal a und k s E e ßor g das h cging i n ib dann n n ad eigentlich ,aj dn u ...tganz teB mokay. i no h c s rAußer u tl a h bich a hhabe dn u nmich egn amal geg nicht eh cüKdran ei d n i ngehalten er aw sad- wirklich, ...nessegenach g edajedem lo ko h c S l ei v Stückchen .egSchokolade n äf n A ei d nomusste h cs h ciich e b ua lg eigentlich immer aufs Klo gehen.

Mein Körper ,n e m m okeg twar a n relangsam tn I sn i h ctotal i n ib 41 ti M überreizt. .r aw gew tAuch iew r hdas es esoziale l uh cS eUmfeld n i em l i e w warneein n ieProblem... r i w ssad owenn s n n adman se ressen a w t ro D .gegangen .. dn u net tist, a h rkonnte em m i Zich m i einfach k n ar h csnie l h üK nmitgehen. etsre m uz t keffednE m i h ci l tnegie h ci 5 ner aw r iW .ebah tn howeg n iel l a l aM nIrgendwann i reuer teB eisind d dn udann ,remauch m i Z msoi srichtig l edä M schlimme ,t rei ron giFressattacken h ci l meiz h ci l tngekommen. egi e s n u t a h Mit h ciEinkaufen l meiz nebegehen, L resn uund r i wmich n eba h os l a zuhause r aw saDeinschließen, .nen nök netl aund tsegessen, t sbl e s i er f und tieZ erbrechen ez n ag ei d ,und os ,lso. oocDie l a toSchule t h ci l r ü t a n wardnverdammt u ,i lsüM danstrengend, n u ...nesse edaund lo ko h c S zwischen l a m n ie ,hmir conund ßiew meiner h ci dnMutter u ...guewar Z os es wirklich egaaW eschwierig. i d f ua n n adWir h cikonnten m h ci e b a h kein sanormales d dn u ,gk6Wort 4 h cimehr et tahmiteinander a d , t l l e t s eg wechseln, .t rei ti rdie r i l aStimmung tot ei wdnewar gr i him ci m t a h Keller... die ganze Situation war wirklich ...nei refwie s th ceine a n h itickende eW ei d nZeitbombe. er a w n n aD Ich war r i wzwar nebavorher h ad ,hauch con ßschon iew h cin i dn u Therapie ,tl a megund sua rinemärztlicher m iz n hoWKontrolle, s a d e d a r eg abersshabe ziemlich ad t geigentlich a s eg a m a M r uz bahdrauf h ci d n u

geschissen. .ameTh n ieIrgendwo rem m i r aso w bei se e28, b u a l g h cI 29kg.... r aw nehatten r h aJ 2wir 1 ,11wirklich ti m os noeinen h c s h cu A ,Megastreit, r u giF ei d – gund i th cdie i w gSituation i n n isn h aist w oso s sad heftig h ceskaliert, i dn u ... tsda i k nhat al hsie cs ngesagt, a m bo d n u „Jetzt reicht’s.“ Ich glaube ichhhabe ci m e b a h auch.tselbst l h ü fegbegriffen t tef gi n n idass sn h aes w obesser s r em m I wäre h cowenn n remich m i von h cafallem n ie h cmal i et taeine h i ebaD Pause bekommen h cuA !k cepkönnte. s ybaB nIch eh chatte s s ib n i e einfach r aw ehkeine esn a Kraft sotoF mehr. t z t ej r i m h ci n n e w ,s e l a m r o n z n a g n i e h c i l t n e g i e h c i Sie ehat bahmich h ci ralso eb A in .neder h cdFrüh äM sgepackt ek n a l h cs und dist n umit ,nemir m mins oneKrankenhaus g r h a w o s t l a h h ci m gefahren, ,neh ci lginreeine v nepsychosomatische r ed n a t i m l ei v r e m m i Einrichtung. neh cssib nDie ie reSache m m i iist ebadort, d h ci du m dn u kannst .tl heigentlich ü feg n iel tnnicht E eh cfestgehalten i l s s ä h s a d ei w werden, es ist auf freiwiliger Basis, außer n redu tl Ebist en ikörperlich em h cis neso bahschlecht n n ad ...aJ drauf ,emedass lbor Psie eledich i v banicht g se dgehen n u ,tnlassen. n e r t eg Dasdnwar u ...damals net ti r tseigentlich eg lei v nebschon ah r i wder dn u Fall, h cquasi i ssad eine l h ü feZwangseinweisung.

G s a d r e m m i e t t a h h ci s a w e b a h t k c u l h c s eg r e t n u r l ei v z n a g Es gab einehFragebogen tl ahdann reba ,so raw cäfl rebO redzum n a os Ausfüllen: eiD .e„Wie dr u wlange neh codenkst rpsegsdu, ua tdass h ci n dutjetzt war h cushier rev ksein r a ts wirst?“ z n ag h cund.. ua tahesam aM halt vorgeschrieben ei d dn u ner h awdass uz nman ieh cSzwei n e s ei d Wochen dner h äwbleiben netl ahmuss uz nem...mdas asu-z hab ei l i mmir aF dann ...tgedacht, et f i r dba hja, canie n dnlänger u h canals apzwei aP r ed Wochen… sn u r üund f h cudann… a sad taim h eEndeffekt... i s ,ß i e w h ci bin n ieich no8h cMonate s rem mdort i r awgeblieben. h ci r e b a - n a t eg s a d t a h ei s e b ua l g h ci d n u ,d n i k i e r h c S . n e t l a h eg s u a r e w h c s r h e s

“Never again”- Never again, so I told myself, will I let so much crap into my body again.

Ic I guess it has somehow always been an issue for me. Even when I was like 11 or 12 years old, the body shape was so important, being skinny was important. And I always felt so incredibly fat. Now I know that this was just my leftover puppy fat. When I look at my photos from that time, I see a normal, slim girl.

But I always have considered myself as fat. I always compared myself to others and as a result I used to feel like an ugly duckling.

Then my parents got divorced. There were a lot of issues, we used to fight a lot. But I always had the feeling that I acted as the problems weren’t there, I just lived with them.

My mother also always tried to keep up appearances and also to keep the family together while my dad was drifting further and further away. I know that she did this for us - but I always have been a crybaby, and I know it was tough for her. I could feel that more and more and I just lived with it. I remember, there was one time when everybody was in bed already, I went to the kitchen and I ate

lots and lots of chocolate- I think that was the point when it all started.

When I was 14, I started boarding school, because my school was very far away.

At the boarding school we had a fridge in the room. That was the first time that I was living by myself. There were five of us in the room, five girls.

Our supervising tutor didn’t really care about us, so we basically could decide what we wanted to do most of the time.

That was really cool, eating chocolate and cereal and stuff all the time. I remember stepping on the scale one day, I weighed 46 kg. That irritated me a lot.

Then came the Christmas break. I remember that we were painting the living room and I told my mom that I wanted to start eating a little healthier again. So we started eating Weightwatchers- products, as we have done many times before, that was not weird at all. I started to work out a lot. In secret. At the same time I also wanted to find out how long I

could go without eating. So I started trying. At first, I could go until noon, then until 1pm, 2pm, 3pm. At some point I could go until 5pm or 6pm without eating, that is basically the whole day. That was like a sport for me back then.

When I went back to boarding school after the break, my old life went on as it has before at the school. There were a lot of people, we had a lot of fun, we were eating a lot of candy and sweets all the time, and I stopped caring about it again.

Then I lost about seven kilos in two weeks. And I wasn’t even thinking about food so much, actually I wasn’t thinking about it at all anyvmore.

Because the thought of food made me sick. I lost my appetite, I lost my desire to eat and to meet people. I was in a bad mood most of the time. And at the same time I was very frail and very, very nervous all the time.

It got really bad because at boarding school, of course everyone noticed.

So they forced me to eat. We sat in the dining hall and they told me “We will stay here until you have eaten up.”

I was suffering from both anorexia and bulimia. The more they forced me to eat, the more I disappeared in the bathroom after eating. It was a vicious circle.

When I was at 38 kg, I left boarding school. That was a lot less than I have weighed at the beginning.

The headmistress told my mother everything. That was a real disaster.

And…I told myself- “Alright, I don’t want to ever gain weight again. I have always been following certain rules while eating, and that always went okay.” Just sometimes I cheated- If I would always have followed my rules, I would have to run to the toilet after every piece of chocolate. My body slowly became overstrained. Also my social life was a problem- I could never go out to eat with somebody.

Then the really bad eating binges started. I went grocery shopping, I came home, closed my door, I ate

and then I threw up. School was really exhausting and I had a difficult relationship with my mother at the time. We couldn’t say a word to each other without fighting; the mood at home was really bad. It was just a ticking time bomb, really.

I have been in therapy and under medical supervision before, but I didn’t really care. When I weighed about 28, 29kg we had a huge fight.

The situation escalated and she said „I’ve had enough.“ That was the moment when I realized that I could use a break from all this, I didn’t have any energy anymore anyway. So we went to the hospital the next morning, I got admitted to a psychosomatic ward. The thing with this ward is they can’t force you to stay there, you are there because you want to. The one exception is, if you body is in a very bad condition- you have to stay. I was one of those cases. That was a compulsory hospitalization, so to say.

I had to fill out a questionnaire. “: How long do you think you will stay here?” was one of the questions. You had to stay for two weeks at least, that was their policy. I thought: alright, two

weeks. I won`t stay longer. I stayed for eight months.

First, I make sure that no one is home.

J: Part of planning it is of course making sure, no one is home. I live with two flat mates and my boyfriend. Our bathroom is right next to the kitchen. I’m very specific about what I buy at the supermarket.

Normally, I never eat candy, and it’s also really expensive, so it’s not worth it…you know? I prefer to buy more, but cheaper things.

J: It really is an addiction. As soon as I start thinking that I would...want to do it right now, I can’t stop thinking about it, Even if I try, it comes back. And once I have thought about it, I know that it will happen. That’s the moment it’s already planned. And then I go to the supermarket.

JB: Even entering the supermarket is different. You don’t see anything around you, you don’t see the people… Everything around you is blurry… you just take the things you want to buy, you go to the checkout register, and then you’re home. Well, and then… I always watched TV while doing it, to distract myself, to numb myself.

JB: The typical things. A lot of fatty things, sugar… Forbidden things. While doing it, I feel nothing. I think that’s what it is- you are numb, you don’t feel the hunger, and at some point you are like “Oh my god”, and then you run to the toilet and throw up. Then you have to clean up… You don’t get the smell off your fingers…

J: Normally, I watched series while doing it. Then, it’s like I’m not really aware of what I’m doing, I’m doing a lot of things at once, I’m doing something on my phone at the same time… I need as many motion stimuli as possible. In the beginning, eating is fun. But then you get to the point when it get totally agonizing, because you’re already full. Maybe that’s what it is… What I’m trying to achieve while doing this, while torturing myself- I’m trying to hurt myself. Yes.

JB: I have always been scared that someone would smell it. I always thought to myself “Oh god, I smell it, I smell it”, and I thoroughly. cleaned myself. That has stayed with me until today, when I smell puke somewhere; it’s a really weird feeling for me.

The purging itself was somehow deliberating. It’s a mix of feelings- on the one hand, it’s really positive, on the other hand, really negative. And then I brush my teeth, and then.. I don’t know… (laughs). It’s done.

(M: That sounds like relieving stress to me.)

J: I don’t know what I’m thinking while doing it. It’s kind of a routine for me, something I have to do. Some sort of stress relief. But, after doing it, I don’t feel better.

.emoh si eno on taht erus ekam I ,tsriF

gn i k a m esr uoc fo si ti gn i n n alp fo t r aP :J tafl ow t h ti w evi l I .emoh si eno on ,er us mo o r h t a b r u O .d n ei r f y o b y m d n a s e t a m -eps y rev m’I .neh cti k eh t ot t xen thgi r si .tekr a m repus eh t ta yub I tahw tuoba cfi ic s’ti dn a ,ydn ac tae reven I ,yl l am roN h t row ton s’ti os ,evisnep xe yl l aer osl a tub ,erom yub ot referp I ?won k uoy…ti .s g n i h t r e p a e h c -os taht deracs neeb syawla evah I :BJ t hg u o h t s y a w l a I . ti l l e m s d l u o w e no e m ,”ti llems I ,ti llems I ,dog hO“ flesym ot taTh .flesym denaelc .ylhguoroht I dna nehw ,yadot litnu em hti w deyats sah yllaer a s’ti ;erehwemos ekup llems I .e m r o f g n i l e e f d r i e w -iled wohemos saw flesti gnigrup eTh eht no -sgnileef fo xim a s’tI .gnitareb eht no ,evitisop yllaer s’ti ,dnah eno I n e h t d n A .e v i t a g e n y l l a e r , d n a h r e h t o …wonk t’nod I ..neht dna ,hteet ym hsurb .enod s’tI .)shgual( ot sser ts gni veiler ekil sdnuos taTh :M( ).em el i hw gn i k n i h t m’I tahw won k t’nod I :J ,em rof en i tuor a fo dn i k s’tI .ti gn iod fo t ros emoS .od ot eva h I gn i h temos t’nod I ,ti gn iod ret f a ,tuB .fei ler sser ts .ret teb leef

y ttaf fo tol A .sgniht lacip y t eTh :BJ elih W .sgniht neddibroF …ragus ,sgniht s’taht kniht I .gnihton leef I ,ti gniod leef t’nod uoy ,bmun era uoy -si ti tahw era uoy tniop emos ta dna ,regnuh eht ot nur uoy neht dna ,” dog ym hO“ ekil evah uoy neTh .pu worht dna teliot eht ffo llems eht teg t’nod uoY …pu naelc ot …sregnfi ruoy el i hw sei res deh ctaw I ,yl l am roN :J yl l aer ton m’I ek i l s’ti ,neTh .ti gn iod tol a gn iod m’I ,gn iod m’I tahw fo er awa gn i h temos gn iod m’I ,ecno ta sgn i h t fo sa deen I …em i t em as eh t ta enohp ym no eh t n I .elbissop sa i l um i ts noi tom yn am uoy neh t tuB .n u f si gn i tae ,gn i n n i geb -i n o g a y l l a t o t t e g t i n e h w t n i o p e h t o t t e g ebyaM .l l u f ydaer l a er’uoy esuaceb ,gn iz ot gn i y r t m’I tah W …si ti tahw s’tah t g n i r u t r o t e l i h w ,s i h t g n i o d e l i h w e v e i h c a .seY .f les ym t r uh ot gn i y r t m’I -f les ym

I sa noos s A .noi t ci dda n a si yl l aer tI :J od ot tn aw...dl uow I tah t gn i k n i h t t r a ts tuoba gn i k n i h t pots t’n ac I ,won thgi r ti I ecno dn A .k cab semoc ti ,y r t I f i nevE ,ti l l i w t i ta h t w on k I ,t i t uob a thguoh t e v a h ydaer l a s’ti tnemom eh t s’ta Th .neppah -r am repus eh t ot og I neh t dn A .den n alp .t e k si tekramrepus eht gniretne nevE :BJ dnuora gniht yna ees t’nod uoY .tnereffid -evE …elpoep eht ees t’nod uoy ,uoy tsuj uoy …y rrulb si uoy dnuora gniht y r uoy ,yub ot tnaw uoy sgniht eht ekat neht dna ,retsiger tuokcehc eht ot og syawla I …neht dna ,lleW .emoh er’uoy t c a r t s i d o t , ti g n io d e l i h w V T d e h c t a w .flesym bmun ot ,flesym

Actually, it’s not about my body, or about how I look like…

I used to believe that it was only about my physique, because I didn’t feel good in my own body. But in the last year, I lost some weight and I have been working out a lot… and for the first time I feel good in my body. For the first time in my life. I always thought that if I get to this point, the eating disorder won’t be a problem anymore. But that’s not the case.

I think that’s a really important pointthat the real problem of an eating disorder is something different. It’s about way more deep-rooted problems than my body or my looks.

(M: Could you tell me why you chose the eating disorder and not, I don’t know, alcoholism?)

J: Well, I think that I can get something out of those binge and purge sessions. I definitely have a disturbed relationship with food. I rarely eat something unhealthy, or something with a lot of calories in it- that’s also something thing I can’t get rid off… That’s the beautiful thing, knowing that I can eat as much as I want, and not caring. I don’t gain weight.

When I imagine an exhibition on this topic, I think about pictures of women, who show their disstatisfaction with their bodies… I saw a photo once, I forgot where, but I remember it very well.

There is a girl, I don’t know, maybe 8 or 9 years old, she’s still a child actually… she’s sitting in her underpants and is holding a big pair of scissors. She isn’t doing anything with the scissors, but she’s pretending she’s cutting her belly with it. I found that interesting because my belly has always been my problem area, the part of my body I was the least content with.

JJ: I never went swimming back then.

Because I just couldn’t …with my body. And every time I hooked up with someone, I was wearing clothes too.

Several layers. A tight t-shirt, tights, a big t-shirt, and so on. It was one of the goals of the clinic, for me to go swimming one week, with other people.

That was a big deal for me if you consider how I used to look at myself and talk about myself back then. For example I always said that if you look at me, especially when I’m naked, you will get blind, because I’m a basilisk. I always said this jokingly, but still…

When I think about how I treated myself back then, and what used to be normal for me back then, I’m like “Wait what- that’s completely preposterous.”

Today, I’m really different about this.

…ekil kool I woh tuoba ro ,ydob ym tuoba ton s’ti ,yllautcA

.neh t k cab gn i m m i w s tnew reven I :JJ ym h ti w… t’n dl uoc tsuj I esuaceB h ti w pu dekooh I em i t y reve dn A .ydob .oot seh tol c gn i r aew saw I ,enoemos a ,s thgi t ,t r i hs-t thgi t A .sreyal l areveS eh t fo eno saw tI .no os dn a ,t r i hs-t gib -m i w s og ot em rof ,ci n i l c eh t fo sl aog .elpoep reh to h ti w ,keew eno gn i m -noc uoy f i em rof l aed gib a saw ta Th d n a f l e s y m t a ko ol o t d e s u I w o h r edi s -x e roF .neh t k cab f les ym tuoba k l a t t a ko ol u o y f i t a h t di a s s y a w l a I elp m a uoy ,dek an m’I nehw yl l aicepse ,em I .ksi l isab a m’I esuaceb ,dn i lb teg l l i w …l l i ts tub ,ylgn i koj si h t di as s yawl a de ta er t I w oh t uob a k n i h t I n eh W e b o t d e s u t a h w d n a ,n e h t k c a b f l e s y m ti aW “ ek i l m’I ,neh t k cab em rof l a m ron ”.suoretsoperp yletelpmoc s’ta h t -ta hw .si h t tuoba tnereff i d yl l aer m’I ,yadoT

gn i h temos teg n ac I tah t k n i h t I ,l leW :J I .s n o i s s e s e g r u p d n a e g n i b e s o h t f o t u o pi hsnoi taler debr u tsi d a evah yleti n fied -n u g n i h t e m o s t a e y l e r a r I . d o o f h t i w -ac fo tol a h ti w gn i h temos ro ,yh tl aeh gn i h t gn i h temos osl a s’tah t -ti n i sei rol l u f i tuaeb eh t s’ta Th …ffo di r teg t’n ac I h cum sa tae n ac I tah t gn i won k ,gn i h t n i ag t’nod I .gn i r ac ton dn a ,tn aw I sa .t h gi e w s i h t no noi t ib i h x e n a e n i g a m i I n e h W ,nemow fo ser u t cip tuoba k n i h t I ,cipot h t i w noi t c a f s i t a t s s i d r i e h t w o h s o h w -rof I ,ecno otohp a was I …sei dob r ieh t .l lew y rev ti rebmemer I tub ,erehw tog ro 8 ebya m ,won k t’nod I ,lr i g a si ereTh …yl l au t ca dl i h c a l l i ts s’ehs ,dlo sr aey 9 si dn a s tn ap redn u reh n i gn i t tis s’ehs t’nsi ehS .srossics fo r i ap gib a gn i dloh t u b ,s r o s s i c s e h t h t i w g n i h t y n a g n i o d yl leb reh gn i t tu c s’ehs gn i dneterp s’ehs e s ua c e b gn i t s e r e tn i ta h t dn uo f I .t i h t i w m elbo rp y m n e e b s y a w l a s a h y l l e b y m eh t s a w I y dob y m f o t r a p eh t ,a e r a . h t i w t n e t no c t s a el

t u o b a y l no s a w t i t a h t e v ei l e b o t d e s u I doog leef t’n di d I esuaceb ,euqis yhp ym I ,r aey tsal eh t n i tuB .ydob n wo ym n i -row neeb evah I dn a thgiew emos tsol I em i t tsr fi eh t rof dn a …tol a tuo gn i k em i t tsr fi eh t roF .ydob ym n i doog leef teg I f i tah t thguoh t s yawl a I .ef i l ym n i t’now redrosi d gn i tae eh t ,tn iop si h t ot ton s’tah t tuB .erom yn a melborp a eb .esac eh t -tn iop tn a t ropm i yl l aer a s’tah t k n i h t I -s i d g n i t a e n a f o m e l b o r p l a e r e h t t a h t tuoba s’tI .tnereff i d gn i h temos si redro n ah t smelborp detoor-peed erom yaw .s k o o l y m r o y d o b y m eht esohc uoy yhw em llet uoy dluoC :M( ,wonk t’nod I ,ton dna redrosid gni tae )?msilohocla

x

x

I give you my openness.

How do you get past your own sense of shame? If you ask me, the sense of shame is one of the strongest feelings on can have, and you get ashamed of things easily, especially for throwing up. I think that anorexics have a lower sense of shame than healthy people.

Anorexia is the more extroverted form of the disease, if you ask me. Bulimia is the introverted one. I think that people suffering from bulimia are people who accuse themselves of a lot of things in general and they are generally ashamed.

But still- It’s like with conflicts or unspoken things: If you mention them, the energy goes away. That’s the same thing with eating disorders. When I say, “I have that symptomatology”- in that moment you concentrate on that and it gets easier. I know that from my own experience, many people in my support group say the same.

Those affected rarely speak openly about their disease, because they are scared of the reactions of their environment. But the reactions are often much more positive than they think.

It’s the fear of the fear, it’s the sense of shame- but once you make the first step and talk about it, you can get support. From the support group, from your family, from your partner or from wherever.

How can you depict this subject?

What concerns people the most, when they hear about this? That can be performance, commitment- if someone likes people in general, handling the subject openly will get to him. If someone doesn’t like people, he will turn away and leave anyway.

It’s difficult because it depends on the person which is looking at this letter, photo or picture, and what he or she finds interesting or touching about it. I can’t influence this. That means… I’m ready to show those people what I am and who I am. I’m ready to show the smile on my face, my body, my story, my commitment- and something about it will touch people. Yes.

^

.ssennepo ym uoy evig I

yl nepo k aeps yler ar det ceff a esoTh er a yeh t esuaceb ,esaesi d r ieh t tuoba -i v n e r i e h t f o s n o i t c a e r e h t f o d e r a c s n e t f o e r a s noi t c a e r e h t t u B . t n e m no r . k n i h t y e h t n a h t e v i t i s o p e ro m h c u m esnes eh t s’ti ,r aef eh t fo r aef eh t s’tI tsr fi eh t ek a m uoy ecno tub -em ahs fo t eg n a c u o y , t i t u o b a k l a t d n a p e t s mor f ,puor g t roppus eh t morF .t roppus mor f ro ren t r ap r uoy mor f ,yl i m af r uoy .reverehw ?t c e j b u s s i h t t c i p e d u o y n a c w o H n e h w , t s o m e h t elpo e p s n r e c no c t a h W -rep eb n ac ta Th ?si h t tuoba r aeh yeh t enoemos f i -tnem ti m moc ,ecn am rof e h t g n i l d n a h ,l a r e n e g n i e l p o e p s e k i l - o s f I . m i h o t t eg l l i w y l n e p o t c ejb u s n r u t l l i w eh ,elpoep ek i l t’nseod enoem .yaw yn a evael dn a yawa eh t no sdneped ti esuaceb tl u cffi i d s’tI ,ret tel si h t ta gn i kool si h ci hw nosrep ehs ro eh ta hw dn a ,er u t cip ro otohp I .ti tuoba gn i h cuot ro gn i tseretn i sdn fi m’I …sn aem ta Th .si h t ecneufl n i t’n ac m a I t a h w elpo e p e s o h t w o h s o t y d a e r eh t wohs ot ydaer m’I .m a I ohw dn a ,y rots ym ,ydob ym ,ecaf ym no el i ms tuoba gn i h temos dn a -tnem ti m moc ym .seY .elpoep h cuot l l i w ti

e s n e s n w o r u o y t s a p t eg u o y o d w oH fo esnes eh t ,em ksa uoy fI ?em ahs fo s g n i l e e f t s eg no r t s e h t f o e no s i e m a h s fo dem ahsa teg uoy dn a ,evah n ac no gn i wor h t rof yl l aicepse ,yl isae sgn i h t rewol a evah sci x eron a tah t k n i h t I .pu .elpoep yh tl aeh n ah t em ahs fo esnes m ro f d e t r e v o r t x e e ro m e h t s i a i x e ro n A ai m i l uB .em ksa uoy f i ,esaesi d eh t fo tah t k n i h t I .eno det revor tn i eh t si er a ai m i l ub mor f gn i reff us elpoep t ol a f o s e v l e s m e h t e s u c c a o h w elpo e p - e n eg e r a y e h t d n a l a r e n eg n i s g n i h t f o .d e m a h s a y l l a r -n u ro s t ci fl noc h ti w ek i l s’tI -l l i ts tuB ,meh t noi tnem uoy fI :sgn i h t nekops em as eh t s’ta Th .yawa seog y grene eh t I n e h W .s r e d r o s i d g n i t a e h t i w g n i h t n i -”y golotamotpm y s tah t evah I“ ,yas t a h t no e t a r t n e c no c u o y t n e mo m t a h t ym mor f tah t won k I .reisae s teg ti dn a ym n i elpoep yn am ,ecnei rep x e n wo .em as eh t yas puor g t roppus

I think that I have a different depiction of things than others in general.

M: Yes. Wanting to fit in, not feeling good, pretty, or skinny enough, that came very fast.

Maybe it has been there even before the bulimia, but apparently, I didn’t know about this.

I only remember that it was about imitation, I adapted this body image from my mother. I remember this very well. For example, we weren’t allowed to celebrate her birthday, age was never a subject-and looking good was always very important.

I was really influenced by her on those issues. And I adapted this and couldn’t get rid of it.

B: I have never really felt good about myself. I have always been really assimilated and outward-oriented.

My family is really big, I was always taking care of my younger siblings and I somehow became a mother for them because our actual mother was swamped with the situation.

That’s what I always tried to help her and not to cause even more trouble. I always thought of other people first, I observed them and I also compared myself to them a lot.

I always thought other girls were more beautiful than me and I wanted to be like themand at some point, when I was 15, I started blaming my body for my feelings about myself.

C: I get the feeling that it’s the social norms or things in my head that I guess I have to fulfill… The perfectionism, that is very present, the feeling to have to maintain everything in order.

That feeling got a lot stronger once I was living by myself. I guess because my mother did this I adapted it from her- yes, there is this pressure.

When everything just becomes too much, and I get the feeling that I have to hold it all together until I can’t anymore – well , then the eating disorder gets stronger again.

fo noitciped tnereffid a evah I taht kniht I .lareneg ni srehto naht sgniht se ,l h ü feG sad ba h h cI :C ...os elei v z n ag dn is , n e m r oN e h c i l t f a h c s l l e s e g m en i em n i n eh ca S o s r edo -l ü f r e e k n e d h c i e i d f p o K r e s ei d d n u ,n e s s ü m u z n el h cua red ,gn ar dsnoi t kef reP s e s ei d ,t s i a d k r a t s z n a g tsi sad ,nessüm netl aH-sel l A r e k r ä t s l ei v l a m h c o n h cua n i el l a n n a d h ci s l a n e d ro w eg ebualg h cI .eba h tn howeg s a d a m a M ei d s s a d h c r u d a d t h c a m eg k r a t s o s r e m m i h c u a kr a ts r hes sad h ci ba h ,ba h d n u – n e m mo n r e b ü r h i no v . k cu r D r e s ei d ,aj ...ssad l h ü feG sad ba h h cI u z s el l a n e ß u A m i r i m n n e w k r a t s z n a g h ci d n u d r i w l ei v -m asuz sel l a ,ba h l h ü feG sad d n u ,n e s s ü m u z n e t l a h n e m t h ci n h ca f n i e n n a d h ci n n e w n n ad ,ei wdnegr i n n a k r hem n n ad - sad ssum n n ad ... g n u rö t s s s E ei d h c u a t m mo k .s u a r r e k r ä t s r e d e i w

-nehcerpstnE seseiD .aJ :M ,nöhcs ,tu g thcin hcim ,nellow ,n e l h ü f u z g u n e g k n a l h c s r e d o rhes hcua ... nnad tsi sad -ilgöM .aJ .nemmokeg llenhcs n o hc s hc u a s e r a w e s i e w r e hc r i m r a w s e ,a d e i m i l u B r e d r o v .tssu web thcin rabniehcs reba n r e n n i r e r u n hc i m n n a k hc I g n u m h a hc a N m u r e h e s e s s a d seseid bah hci ,tsi negnageg r r et t u M r e n i e m n o v d l i b r e p r ö K h c i n n a k a d ,n e m m o n r e b ü -e g r h e s hc o n d n i K s l a hc i m .n r e n n i r e n ar a d u a n l e i p s i e B m u z r h i n et f r u d r i W -u tar g gatst rubeG muz thcin ameTh nie raw retlA ,nereil d n u n e h e s s u A hc i l r ü t a n d n u z n a g r a w s a d ,n e h c a S e h c l o s dnU .t gärpeg eis hcrud krats hc u a n n a d hc i e n i e hc s s a d ...aj ,nebah uz nemmon rebü k r at s hc i l m e i z hc i s t a h s a D .negas hci ssum ,tnnarbegnie

h ci l tnegie h ci m ebah h cI :B ... tl h ü fegl how os th ci n t fo r h e s no h c s r e m m i h c u a r a w -n ei ro n e ß u a d n u t s s a p eg n a m uz tsi ei l i m aF en ieM .t rei t d n u , ß o r g r h e s h cua l eip s i e B en i e m m u t f o h ci m e b a h h ci - eg r e t s i w h c s e G e n i el k i e r d en i e o s i eb a d dn u t r em m ü k n e m mo n r e b ü el lo r r e t t uM t r A ,et tah l h ü feG sad h ci l iew ei w d n eg r i t s i a m a M e n i e m e b a h b l a h s e D . t r e d ro f r e b ü r h i t h ü m e b r e m m i h ci m h ci -u z t h c i n a j d n u n e f l e h u z ,n e h c a m u z r eg r Ä n e h ci l z t ä s ei d f ua l ei v r e m m i b a h d n u h ci m d n u , t u a h c s eg n e r e d n a .n eh ci l g r e v t f o h cua t f o s l e d ä M e r e d n a d n a f h cI n i e s o s e t l lo w d n u r e h c s b ü h ,n n a w d n eg r i d n u – ei s ei w -nU n iem h ci ebah ,51 ti m os r h e m r e m m i n n a d n i e s l ho w -röK men iem n a ,nen nogeb .n eh ca m u z t s ef r e p

,ekil ,pleh rof yrc a fo dnik emos saw tI uoy dna ,gnorw yllaer gnihtemos si ereht ,syuG“ ”.gnineppah ton s’ti ekil tca tsuj t’nac

gnu rötsssE eniem rebü nehcerpS saD :M Ich glaube prinzipiell .neflan ohedas g nePositive. ll a s n u t ah In der ,thEssstörung. carbeg hcsiTWeil ned fes uaSituationen sel ei v t ah s E gibt, hcuain ,etdenen sgnÄ .sich .. eledie i v ,nSeele etiehrsich alknnicht U el ei v anders wehren kann. reneffo lei v sella tsi sE .redniK reniem eid Und tmmdamit arhcs rsie ethnicht coT etkippt, sgnüj eoder niembricht, ,rehties sucht ruzsie ezsich nerGein redHilfsmittel. na redei w reDass mmi hescua eine muSuchterkrankung redei w nnad hci nibistadist,tblöd, hcusreweil gaM es so schwer ist, wieder rauszukomr e t t u M r e d ,n e g i r ö h e g n A r e d e l l o R r e d n i men... eseidJa. tahAber gnuhgrundsätzlich eizeB eresnu hglaubet cua dnu – ich eiddass se lhes owin bOdem .thcMoment, ameg regnine der tiehsie neffO sich sneentwickelt beL seniemist, ehceine ärpsHilfe eG neist, tsmdamit m i l hc s dieser .negaMensch suzad nonicht hcs hzerbricht. c i s s u m s a D .n er a w

h cis neba h medties ...t keffednE m i dnU h cua dn u ,h ci ,apaP ,am aM osl a ,el l a - e b r h e s h ci l k r i w r e t s e w h c S en i e m B: Durch die Essstörung .t rewar dn äich revzum tss u w ersten Mal im Widerstand, ich -roweg ret rei t kefler lei v el l a hab’ dn i s r i W zum ersten und %00 1 uz hMal cis taklar h am aMdeutlich ei d h cuAge.n ed sagt: eipar„Nein. eTh rebDas les hmach cua taich h dnicht“. n u t r edn ä r e v Esrewar rednnicht a t telmehr pmok dieses n ie tsi Angepasste, d n u , t h c a m eg Liebe,ssBrave, sondern um h ci osl a ...nedas droerste weg hMal, c s n eM dass -sap ich sn uda sa... w egal, etseBwas sad die r awanderen s a d ,n eg a s gesagt nereishaben, sap ti mda sahab w reich do ,noch etn noso k nviel e r ei s Angstr hhaben können, dass sie mich es t gaseg h ci lr he n ib h cI .etn nok nicht h cimehr l iew mögen ,gn u röt–ssich sE ehab i d rdas ü f r adann bk n ad verweigert.

-n agegretiewDas nebhat eL sich sad ezwar i w ßiobere w t h ci n flächlich -retiew obeim s h caEssen f n ie r igezeigt, w n new ist ,er äjawaber n eg eigentlich viel tiefer gegangen – . n e t t ä h t be l e g

n am ow nei l i m aF n i sad t reissap t fO :C s a w s s a d , t h ei s t h ci n n e ß u a no v t z t ej ies se ,tbualg n am oW .tssap th ci n redo ,ei wdnegr i t kef rep dn u tu g sel l a ow ,tbi g redn i k melbor P en iek s’ow Es rhat ed nmich i eßiauch eh cs tdazu si redgebracht ,ya ko t gzu as n am überlegen, was möchte ich eigentlich ...emelbor P s’tbi g ad ...dn u ,el uh cS -im selLeben, l A „ neswo ei d stehe n i t fo ich? t r ei s s a p s e n r e d no s Was ...nist enomir i t k uwichtig? r tsnoK-“Grenzen tu g-dn u-setzen nöh cs-tsi war.ein .. esganz ei d n awichtiges m ssum nThema, n awdneund gr i dja... nu Selbstbewusstsein, Selbstwert, und negei r k gn u rötsssE ...eh csi ta m ar d einmal -r i n abeginnen, m ti m ad …sich ti m aselbst d ,negzu uezspüren r e dn u – twas ssaPmöchte .yeH„ ..ich . n nüberhaupt? a k n egi e z f u a ei w d n eg Willreich bains h ciKino edn figehen, saD “.thoder ci n tgehe puahich r ebü nur weil.alle anderen sagen, sie gehen? d n e n n a p s r h e s ei w d n eg r i h c u a

It was some kind of a cry for help, like, “Guys, there is something really wrong, and you can’t just act like it’s not happening.”

C: Often, it happens in the families where you don’t see that something is wrong from the outside. Families, which you see and think that all is well and perfect, families without troubled children. Not families where you might say “Okay, he or she is having troubles at school, there are problems.” No, it happens in those seemingly perfect families. And at some point you have to trigger and get this stupid eating disorder to show them “Hey. Nothing is perfect. Nothing is alright.” That’s what I think is really interesting.

And in the end... We all have changed.

My mother, my father, me and my sister we all have really changed. We are more thoughtful. Mother has changed 100 % and went to therapy herself, and she became a completely different person. And I have to say that was the best thing that could have happened to us, or to me. I am very grateful for the eating disorder, because I don’t know how my life would have went on if we just kept living like this.

M: Speaking about my eating disorder has helped us all. It brought many things up, many misunderstandings, many fears, also those of my children. We have been much more open with each other since then. My youngest daughter is on the verge of becoming anorexic herself, now I’m in the position of being a relative - but our relationship got much better thanks to our new-found openness. Even if those were the worst conversations that I had in my life. That’s something I have to admit.

I generally believe in being positive.

Also in an eating disorder. Because there are situations where your soul just can’t deal differently. And because it doesn’t want to break or collapse, it’s looking for aid. It’s impractical that it’s an addictive disorder, because it’s difficult to get healthy again, yes. But generally I think that in the moment it’s developing, it’s an aid for the person so that this person doesn’t break.

B: Through the eating disorder, I was rebelling for the first time.

For the first time I said loud and clear: ”No. I’m not doing this.” For the first time, I wasn’t nice, well-behaved and adapted to the others - it was the first time that, no matter what the others said, even if I was afraid that they wouldn’t like me anymore- I refused.

On the surface, it was just the food. But actually, it was so much deeper. That also made me think, what do I want from life, where am I? What’s important for me? Setting limits has been an important issue, and yeah… self-confidence, self-worth and beginning, to feel myself- what do I want? Do I want to go to the movies, or am I only going because everyone else is saying, that they’re going too?

I think that I’m afraid of letting go of this illness. It was in Eggenburg when we realized it.

Why? Because the food is suppressing the feelings. I can’t control it, but when I stop it, my feelings will get really intense, and I’m afraid that I can’t handle it. That I won’t be able to stand it.

Anyway…I’m a lot better now, but when everything is wavering and threatening to collapse, I know: In the bathroom I have time for myself.

C: For me it’s a form of stress relieve. If I’m not being good to myself or if I’m stressed out…

I know it sounds stupid, but at the toilet I have time for myself. I get the feeling that when everything gets out of control, that’s the thing I can hold on to- because I can control it. I can control what I’m eating, and I can control my body… I know exactly what to do.

And when everything else falls apart and you can’t hold on to it anymore…that’s when it helps. A lot. I know, it’s just a fantasy, and it’s wrong- because everything gets out of control even more, I am noticing that myself- the more I hold on to it, the worse it gets.

M: What helped me with the eating disorder was this tension- and tension release - relation. For a balance. When the tension was too big, eating was a form of tension release, because eating is generally something positive, it’s good, it tastes good, it’s nurturing, comforting, warm, yes- but to get rid of this pressure again the purging was the thing that restored the balance. The balance that wasn’t there before. It’s relaxing.

Relieving. Emptying. Everything that’s inside, that shouldn’t be there- that what you, so to speak, feed to yourself.

J: Yes, it was conscious. I was like “Alright, I’m feeling really tense and that’s the only way of getting rid of it.” I didn’t know any other way, like crying, or shouting at

someone or speaking my mind.

After all those years it was what I needed and that’s what I did. I knew exactly- if I was feeling odd- or when I was feeling angry, tense or sad- when I was feeling all of the stronger feelings actually- that it was the only way.

I don’t know what happens in the body, but this whole binging thing makes you numb, you don’t even think about it, you are in sort of a crazy tunnel and the throwing up is exhausting and unpleasant- I really have no idea what’s happening in the body, but your mind is just switched off, it hurts, and then you’re just really tired. But I also enjoyed it.

gnihtyreve nehw tub ,won retteb tol a m’I…yawynA nI :wonk I ,espalloc ot gninetaerht dna gnirevaw si .flesym rof emit evah I moorhtab eht

.d n i m y m g n i k a e p s ro e no e mo s ta h w s a w ti s r a e y e soh t l l a r e t f A I .di d I tahw s’ta h t dn a dedeen I gn i leef saw I f i -yl t ca x e wen k ,y r gn a gn i leef saw I nehw ro -ddo g n i l e e f s a w I n e h w -d a s r o e s n e t -l a u t c a s g n i l e e f r e g n o r t s e h t f o l l a .yaw yl no eh t saw ti ta h t -yl n i sneppah tahw won k t’nod I gn i gn ib elohw si h t tub ,ydob eh t t’nod uoy ,bm un uoy sek a m gn i h t n i e r a uo y ,t i t uob a k n i h t n e v e e h t d n a l e n n u t y z a r c a f o t ro s dn a gn i t s ua h x e s i pu gn i w o r h t aedi on evah yl l aer I -tn asaelpn u tub ,ydob eh t n i gn i neppa h s’ta hw ti ,ffo deh cti w s tsuj si dn i m r uoy yl l aer tsuj er’uoy neh t dn a ,s t r uh . t i d e y ojn e o s l a I t u B .d e r i t

-ae eht htiw em depleh tahW :M dna -noisnet siht saw redrosid gnit -ab a roF .noitaler - esaeler noisnet oot saw noisnet eht nehW .ecnal noisnet fo mrof a saw gnitae ,gib -lareneg si gnitae esuaceb ,esaeler ti ,doog s’ti ,evitisop gnihtemos yl -moc ,gnirutrun s’ti ,doog setsat dir teg ot tub -sey ,mraw ,gnitrof g n i g r u p e ht n i a g a e r u s s e r p s i ht f o eht derotser taht gniht eht saw t’nsaw taht ecnalab eTh .ecnalab .gnixaler s’tI .erofeb ereht gnihty revE .gniy tpmE .gniveileR -eht eb t’ndluohs taht ,edisni s’taht deef ,kaeps ot os ,uoy tahw taht -er .flesruoy ot ek i l saw I .suoicsnoc saw ti ,seY :J esnet yl l aer gn i leef m’I ,thgi r l A“ gn i t teg fo yaw yl no eh t s’tah t dn a reh to yn a won k t’n di d I ”.ti fo di r ta gn i tuohs ro ,gn i y rc ek i l ,yaw

sser t s fo m rof a s’ti em roF :C ot doog gn ieb ton m’I f I .ev ei ler …tuo desser t s m’I f i ro f les ym e h t t a t u b ,d i p u t s s d n u o s t i w o n k I teg I .f les ym rof em i t eva h I tel iot gn i h t y r e v e n eh w ta h t gn i l e ef eh t eh t s’ta h t ,lor tnoc fo tuo s teg I e s u a c e b - o t no dloh n a c I gn i h t t a h w lo r t no c n a c I .t i lo r t no c n a c ym lor tnoc n ac I dn a ,gn i tae m’I .od ot ta h w y l t ca x e won k I …y dob s l l a f e s l e gn i h t y r e v e n eh w dn A ti ot no dloh t’n ac uoy dn a t r apa A .spleh ti neh w s’ta h t…erom yn a dn a ,y s a tn af a t s uj s’ti ,won k I .tol gn i h t y rev e es uaceb -gnor w s’ti I ,erom nev e lor tnoc fo tuo s teg erom eh t -f les ym ta h t gn i ci ton m a .s t e g t i e s r o w e h t , t i o t n o d l o h I

t’nod uoy dna ...ecnart a ni era uoy... ekil s’tI ?ti gniod pots uoy fi neppah lliw tahw wonk ?dlrow eht fo dne eht eb ti lliW ?gniyrc pots reve I lliW

.lu f rewop os era srebmun esoTh :B lu f wa na ylneddus era smarg 003 ,wonk t’nod I -driew y rev s’ti ,tol s i y t i l a er f o e s n e s y m s e m i t e m o s tuo tnuoc I nehw s’taht ,gnissim ,.B yakO“ :flesym ksa I ro IMB ym od ereh W “ dnA ”?uoy era dlo woh I ”?og ot tnaw uoy n w o y m e v a h ot e v o l d l u o w -edni eb ot tnaw I ,tnemt rapa nac I dna rac a tnaw I ,tnednep t s uj d n a a n n e i V n i e v i l ot e n i g a m i I ,flesym fo erac ekat nac I fi kool ot tnaw I ,ekil I taht boj a tnaw krow neew teb ecnalab doog a dnfi erom eb ot tnaw I .emit eer f dna laicos erom evah ot tnaw I ,nepo evah ot tnaw tsuj I dna noitcaretni .y grene erom

- ol l a t r a t s I f i , t h g u o h t s y a w l a I t’now I ,em ot teg ot sgn i h t gn i w ,em edisn i taTh .pots ot elba eb dah I …aes elohw a ek i l saw ti I m A :ek i l ,sr aef tcar tsba yl l aer k c a l b a y b n i d e k c u s t eg o t g n io g -pah gn i h t tsrow eh t l l iW ?eloh …tl ucffii d yl l aer saw taTh ?nep s l e e f t i w o h g n i ci t o n d n a g n i y r C seog ti ,yeH“ gn izi l aer dn a ,ek i l won gn iod m’I tah W .seY ”.yawa .etisoppo eh t yletelpmoc si I ,n e h t k c a b d a b g n i l e e f s a w I f I d n a - e s ro w n e v e g n i h t e mo s d i d -operp s’tah t ,woW “ ek i l m’I won tn aw I dab gn i leef m’I fI .suorets .em rof doog gn i h temos od ot .d n e i r f a ro f o d d l u o w I e k i L

ci n i lc eh t ta det ti m da gn ieB :J gn i h t tseb eh t saw ti ...tsuj saw yl l aer saw tI .enod evah dl uoc I y reve ,gn i tsuah xe dn a tl ucffii d .elggu r ts a saw yad mor f revocer ot gn i y r t ek i l s’tI ro m e l bo r p l o h o c l a ro g u r d a saw ti esac ym nI …gn i h temos y m g n i s s e r p p u s mo r f y r e v o c e r tsrow eh t saw taTh .sgn i leef ta tah t el dn ah t’n dl uoc I ,gn i h t -serppus neeb evah I esuaceb l l a y n a m o s ro f g n i h t y r e v e g n i s ?t xen sneppah tah W .sr aey

It’s like ...you are in a trance... and you don’t know what will happen if you stop doing it?

Es ist so... wie in einem Rausch ... und du weißt nicht, was passiert wenn du das nicht mehr hast?

Will it be the end of the world?

Will IGeht everdann stopdie crying?

Welt unter? Hör ich nie mehr auf, zu weinen?

J: In die Klink zu gehen war einfach.. das Beste was ich jemals hätte tun können. Es war extrem schwierig, und anstrengend... jeder Tag war wirklich ein harter Kampf. Es ist fast wie ein Entzug von einer Drogensucht, oder von Alkohol oder so... in dem Fall war es ein Entzug von diesem... Gefühle unterdrücken. Das war dort immer am Schlimmsten, ich konnte mir das überhaupt nicht vorstellen, weil ich eigentlich jahrelang immer alles unterdrückt habe.

Was passiert dann? Ich habe immer gedacht, wenn ich einmal anfang, Sachen zuzulassen... kann ich nicht mehr aufhören... weil das in mir, war wie so ein ganzes Meer... und ich hatte irgendwie ganz abstrakte Ängste, so.. verschlingt mich dann ein Loch? Passiert dann das Schlimmste, Größte? Das war sehr schwierig... auch zu weinen und zu merken wie sich das anfühlt – und zu merken, „Hey es hört wieder auf!“ ... Ja...

Jetzt mach ich eigentlich immer genau das Gegenteil. Wenn ich mich damals scheiße gefühlt habe, hab’ ich mir erst recht was Schlechtes getan – und jetzt denk’ ich mir, das ist ja absurd! Wenn ich mich schlecht fühl, mach ich mir was Gutes. WieB:ich’s beinumbers einer are so powerful.

Those Freundin machen würde.

I always thought, if I start allo300 grams are suddenly an awful wing things to get to me, I won’t lot, it’s very weird- I don’t know, B: … Diese Zahlen sind irgendwie auch immer so mächtig… undme, 300 Gramm sind dann be able to stop.

That inside sometimes my sense of reality is irgendwie die Welt, es ist ganz komisch – ich weiß nicht, manchmal hilft mir dann auch ein it was like a whole sea… I had missing, that’s when I count out Realitätsbezug, dann rechne ich mir meinen BMI aus oder frag mich: “Okay Babsi, wie alt J: Being admitted at the clinic really abstract fears, like: Am I my BMI or I ask myself: “Okay B., bist du eigentlich?” Und… “Wo willst du eigentlich hin?” was just... it was the best thing going to get sucked in by a black how old are you?” And “Where do I could have done.

It was really hole?haben, Will the worst thing hapyou want I Ich würde gerne eine eigene Wohnung und ich möchte unabhängig sein, to ichgo?” möchte difficult and exhausting, every pen?

That was really difficult… ein... Auto... und kann mir gut vorstellen hier in Wien zu wohnen, und einfach zu schauen day was struggle.

Crying and howhabe, it feels love dass to have my own dass ichagut für mich sorgen kann, und dass ichnoticing eine Arbeit die ichwould mag, und realizing “Hey, goes apartment, want to be indeich eine gute Balance zwischen Joblike, und and Freizeit finde... dassitich mich öffnen kann, Iund Kontakte hab... ja, dass Power hab It’s like trying to und recover fromich irgendwie... away.” Yes. What I’meigentlich. doing now pendent, I want a car and I can a drug or alcohol problem or is completely the opposite. imagine to live in Vienna and just Es heißt ja immer dass it immer das glaube ich nicht. something…

In my case was nur die Schwächsten krank werden, aber look if I can take care of myself, I Ich glaube auch dass die krank werden, die eine unglaubliche Stärke haben, weil das muss recovery from suppressing my If I was feeling bad back then, I want a job that I like, I want to man einmal Andere hätten womöglich ichbalance denke between work feelings.

That aushalten. was the worst did sich something evenschon worse-umgebracht... and find aalso good dass man da oft unterschätzt wird. Mein Wunsch ist es auch, das unter Beweis zu stellen, thing, I couldn’t handle that at now I’m like “Wow, that’s prepo- and free time. I want to be more so... „Schaut’s euch das an, wie ein Phönix aus der Asche“ – das ist auch so ein Bild finde all because I have been suppressterous. If I’m feeling bad I want open, I want to have more social ich... „Ihr habt es mir ja nicht geglaubt, aber ihr werdet euch noch wundern!“ sing everything for so many to do something good for me. interaction and I just want to have years. What happens next?

Like I would do for a friend. more energy.

,kcis teg tsekaew eht ylno taht yas yeTh .taht eveileb t’nod I tub

J: I don’t know how my life would have been like, if I didn’t have the eating disorder. Now that I’m better, I really can say that my disease also emobrought S .secnepositive i rep xe ethings r a esohwith t fo l l A it.

-n aNow m tneI rknow effi d athat n i mno ehmatter t ecnei rwhat ep x e happens, ,rei lr ae mIecan h t echandle nei repit, xe because emos ,ren the emmost os ,reimportant tal meh t ething cnei reisp xtake e mo s -ing fi d care s’tI .lof l a myself, ta meh t to ecncalm ei repdown. xe t’nod Those eb oare t evimportant ah uoy tahbasics t k n i h tthat I .tnIeref wouldn’t elba eb ohave t evaknown h uoy -tabout i od otwithg no r t s out therapy. e v a h dl u o w s r e h t O . t i el d n a h o t tah t sseu g I ,edici us det ti m moc It .tohas l a dalso etamimproved i tseredn umy gnrelationi t teg er’uoy ship with my family, we talked a lot, we are rof naolot i ti nmore goceropen emoand… s tn awI odon’t sl a I know. mor fAs x i naeperson, ohp a ekI idon’t l ,kooknow L “ e k i l ,t i how I ,eIr uwould tcip dbe ooglike. a s’tNow ah t ,”Isknow eh s a eh t that tubI,value em evmyself, ei leb t’n dsomething i d uoY ”…kIn i h t never did before. ”!desAnd i rp r ualso s ebthe l l i wfact uo y

y rev erew sgn i h t yn am ,seY :B ecnei rep xe ot tn aw t’nod I dn A .dab that I eh t -t rIowent pm i l ltrough a saw tall i tuthis, b ,n i athat ga m was able it-om that’s gn i ktosamanage m’I tnem eh t twhat A .tnIa keep s’tahin w mind. ,gn issi m I m a tah W “ flesym ?ta hguone doog ton m’I gn i h t eh t Like, gn ino taematter eh t fo ewhat, sop r usomehow p eh t s i ta h W I will get trough this. If it means ”?redrosi d crying every night, so be it. I know that evi taitgegoes n tsuon, j saand h ti kifniti hfeels t t’nobad, d I tuB it’s,alright.

Itedoesn’t have ti e k i l s m e s ti s em i temsuch oS .seadis high Even :gn ivalue k n i h t efor m me steganymore. ti s em i t em os tuifb I’m,gsad, it Iasdinegan i y t rI adon’t P ?noclassify t uo s s i m d ta h W tive -i reanymore, p xe uoy sbut i ti rIeget vetaexcited hw ro ,that s y ob I tcan uobaallow k n i hmyself t I neThto.efeel ga tamore. h t ta eBut cn e of course, tuoba gitnwould i k n i h t have si egabeen ym tbetter a oh w if Iedidn’t h t l l a dneed n a srthe aef eating dn a gndisorder i y d ,h t a e d to realize -eb erothis. m ynIawouldn’t od t’n ac uwant oy sgto niht get through ?this noi tagain au tis r(grinning). uo y f o e s ua c

They say that only the weakest get sick, but I don’t believe that.

B: Yes, many things were very bad. And I don’t want to experience them again, but it was all important. At the moment I’m asking myself “What am I missing, what’s the thing I’m not good enough at?

What is the purpose of the eating disorder?”

But I don’t think it has just negative sides. Sometimes it seems like it, but sometimes it gets me thinking: What did I miss out on? Partying, boys, or whatever it is you experience at that age. Then I think about who at my age is thinking about death, dying and fears and all the things you can’t do anymore because of your situation?

All of those are experiences. Some experience them in a different manner, some experience them earlier, some experience them later, some don’t experience them at all. It’s different. I think that you have to be strong to do it- you have to be able to handle it. Others would have committed suicide, I guess that you’re getting underestimated a lot.

I also want some recognition for it, like “Look, like a phoenix from the ashes”, that’s a good picture, I think…” You didn’t believe me, but you will be surprised!”

J: I don’t know how my life would have been like, if I didn’t have the eating disorder. Now that I’m better, I really can say that my disease also brought positive things with it. Now I know that no matter what happens, I can handle it, because the most important thing is taking care of myself, to calm down.

Those are important basics that I wouldn’t have known about without therapy.

It has also improved my relationship with my family, we talked a lot, we are a lot more open and… I don’t know. As a person, I don’t know how I would be like. Now I know that I value myself, something I never did before. And also the fact

that I went trough all this, that I was able to manage it- that’s what I keep in mind.

Like, no matter what, somehow I will get trough this. If it means crying every night, so be it. I know that it goes on, and if it feels bad, it’s alright. It doesn’t have such a high value for me anymore. Even if I’m sad, I don’t classify it as negative anymore, but I get excited that I can allow myself to feel more. But of course, it would have been better if I didn’t need the eating disorder to realize this. I wouldn’t want to get through this again (grinning).

What I think is so impressive is, that when someone in the group is speaking and you can see that the others all nod.

That’s something I don’t have at any therapist.

That’s only something you can have with people who exactly know what you’re going trough.

I began planning the self-help group in October 2012. I made some flyers, I asked the Viennese health promotion for help, and so on. In the first three months, nothing happened, I didn’t get any responses. Then, in December, I was like, okay, well. This didn’t work out. I did everything in my power but it seemed like I wasn’t needed. During Christmas, I did nothing. And then, all of a sudden, it was like magic.

Suddenly I was getting emails and requests from all sides, it was incredible. It became a sure-fire success. I didn’t have to do any more promotion, I didn’t do anything but sat back and waited. And now I’m getting 10 plus requests per week. Even for this Monday, I have seven new ones that want to start. The question is how many of them do actually show up in the end.

I think it’s amazing to lead the group, it’s so much fun. The girls and guysnow it’s guys too, thanks god- they all are really wonderful people, and I’m surprised every time how many people come and how many are interested in this. It’s a lot of work, too....

It’s not like I don’t have enough that’s going on in my life already, but well, every time I leave one of the meetings, I know why I’m doing this. So that’s why I keep doing it.

We also have a couple of unwritten rules in the group. For instance, we don’t talk about kilos or calories or side effects like abuse. Because I noticed that it’s triggering me, and it’s triggering the others who have experienced it. That’s the only place where those people really feel understood. For me, that’s the purpose of the self-help group- it’s not therapy or anything, It’s the nodding when I’m talking about something.

You feel really lonely while suffering from an eating disorder. Also when it comes to the outside world. But you also depict this outside world a little differently, some experience this feeling stronger than others, but you are…alone. This feeling of loneliness is very strong- you don’t have that in the group.

You enter the room and everyone has their story, but everyone knows about the inner pain and suffering, or about the inner loneliness of the others.

That’s what I’m telling everyone who calls me and asks me “Well, how is that like?” It’s this nodding, and then I hear the person nodding trough the telephone. (laughs)- you know, and that’s it – I don’t need to say anything more.

eht ni enoemos nehw taht ,si evisserpmi os si kniht I tahW .don lla srehto eht taht ees nac uoy dna gnikaeps si puorg .tsipareht yna ta evah t’nod I gnihtemos s’taTh ohw elpoep htiw evah nac uoy gnihtemos ylno s’taTh .hguort gniog er’uoy tahw wonk yltcaxe

gn i reff us el i hw ylenol yl l aer leef uoY nehw osl A .redrosi d gn i tae n a mor f t u B .dl ro w e di s t u o e h t o t s e mo c t i a dl ro w e di s t u o s i h t t cip e d o s l a u o y si h t ecnei rep xe emos ,yl tnereff i d el t ti l u o y t u b ,s r e h t o n a h t r e g n o r t s g n i l e e f ssen i lenol fo gn i leef si Th .enol a…er a n i ta h t evah t’nod uoy -gnor ts y rev si .puor g eh t sa h enoy reve dn a moor eh t retne uoY tuoba s won k enoy reve tub ,y rots r ieh t tuoba ro ,gn i reff us dn a n i ap ren n i eh t .s r e h t o e h t f o s s e n i l e n o l r e n n i e h t ohw enoy reve gn i l let m’I ta hw s’ta Th si woh ,l leW “ em s ksa dn a em sl l ac neh t dn a ,gn i ddon si h t s’tI ”?ek i l ta h t e h t h g u o r t g n i d d o n no s r e p e h t r a e h I dn a ,won k uoy -)shgual( .enohpelet gn i h t yn a yas ot deen t’nod I – ti s’ta h t .erom

,puor g eh t dael ot gn iz am a s’ti k n i h t I -s yu g dn a slr i g eTh .n u f h cum os s’ti yeh t -dog s k n ah t ,oot s yu g s’ti won dn a ,elpoep l u f rednow yl l aer er a l l a yn a m woh em i t y reve desi rp r us m’I - e t n i e r a y n a m w o h d n a e mo c elpo e p ....oot ,krow fo tol a s’tI .si h t n i detser s’ta h t hguone evah t’nod I ek i l ton s’tI ,l lew tub ,ydaer l a ef i l ym n i no gn iog ,s g n i t e e m e h t f o e n o e v a e l I e m i t y r e v e s’ta h t oS .si h t gn iod m’I yhw won k I . t i g n io d p e e k I y h w net ti r wn u fo elpuoc a evah osl a eW ew ,ecn a tsn i roF .puor g eh t n i sel u r ro sei rol ac ro sol i k tuoba k l a t t’nod I esuaceB .esuba ek i l s t ceffe edis dn a ,em gn i reggi r t s’ti tah t deci ton eva h ohw sreh to eh t gn i reggi r t s’ti ecalp yl no eh t s’ta Th .ti decnei rep xe -redn u leef yl l aer elpoep esoh t erehw fo esop r up eh t s’tah t ,em roF .doots ro ypareh t ton s’ti -puor g pleh-f les eh t m’I nehw gn i ddon eh t s’tI ,gn i h t yn a .gn i h temos tuoba gn i k l a t

puor g pleh-f les eh t gn i n n alp n ageb I I ,sreyfl emos edam I .2102 rebot cO n i noi t o mo rp h t l a e h e s e n n ei V e h t d e k s a eer h t tsr fi eh t n I .no os dn a ,pleh rof t’n di d I ,deneppah gn i h ton ,sh tnom ,rebmeceD n i ,neTh .sesnopser yn a teg krow t’n di d si Th .l lew ,ya ko ,ek i l saw I t u b r e w o p y m n i g n i h t y r e v e di d I .t uo gn i r u D .dedeen t’nsaw I ek i l demees ti ,neh t dn A .gn i h ton di d I ,sam tsi r hC .ci gam ek i l saw ti ,neddus a fo l l a d n a s l i a m e g n i t t eg s a w I y l n e d d u S - e r c n i s a w t i ,s e d i s l l a m o r f s t s e u q e r I .sseccus er fi-er us a em aceb tI .elbi d ,noi tomorp erom yn a od ot evah t’n di d dn a k cab tas tub gn i h t yn a od t’n di d I sulp 01 gn i t teg m’I won dn A .deti aw -n o M s i h t r o f n e v E . k e e w r e p s t s e u q e r tn aw tah t seno wen neves evah I ,yad fo yn am woh si noi tseuq eTh .t r a ts ot .d n e e h t n i p u w o h s y l l a u t c a o d m e h t

I think I was on my way to the tennis court. I was riding my bike. And then everything went black, as usual when I was feeling really bad- and then I was like “Fuck it, I really don’t want to do this anymore.”

When I went home that day, I had a fruit yoghurt.

And then, step by step, I also started introducing other foods again. Until I could eat everything again, and my definition of “a lot”, started to be how it was like before.

em rof eussi na eb t’now ti yademos taht thguoht reven I .eromyna

wenk I .wenk I wohemos sseug I :K ,niaga nlluT ni dettimda teg dluow I taht eht litnu tiaw ot evah t’nod I taht dna .yawa thgir pots nac I tub ,yad tsal ro f l a tip s o h e h t o t d e t ti m d a t o g I n e h W yad eht litnu pots t’ndid I ,emit tsrfi eht ,e r e h t s a w I e c n O . l a t i p s o h e h t d e r e t n e I …ekil saw I emit siTh .gnithgfi det rats I -rael uoy ,seigetarts ynam os wonk uoY “ ot evah t’nod uoY .ydaerla hcum os den r u o y t r a t s o t n i ag a d e t t i m d a t e g o t t i a w ecneirepxe hcum oS .haey tuB ”.thgfi -ni dna dehsinfi tsuj dah I .ypareht ni s’taht ,yeH“ dezilaer I erehw pihsnret wenk I dna -”od ot tnaw I taht boj eht y m h t i w e l b i t a p m o c n i s a w bo j e h t t a h t a hcus rof no tnew tI .redrosid gnitae fo kcis os saw I dna ,ydaerla emit gnol …s no i t a c i d e m d eg n a h c I … n e h t d n a , ti nac I woN .potS “ :ekil saw I neht dna t’nod I ,nlluT ni pleh gnitteg m’I .ti od o t d e e n I , s y a di lo h e v a h I , s e s s a l c e v a h ”.ecnahc eht ekat

a ret fa niart eht ffo nettog tsuj dah I :K .e s u o h s d n e i r f a o t t n e w d n a e d i r g n o l gnihtemos ,gnihtemos dekab mom reH ym rof ylelos ti dekab ehs -teews yllaer t n e w I s d r a w r e t f A . t i e t a I o s -l a v i r r a w e r h t I d n a n i ag a n i a r t e h t h t i w e m o h . t i t u o b a d a b o s t l e f I d n a n i ag a p u l l a t i y m no s a w I n e h w pu w e r h t y d a e r l a I d n A .e s u o h s d n e i r f y m o t ,e r e h t y a w ro f g n i h t e mo s s e k a b r e h t o m r e h n e h t taTh …pu lla ti gni worht m’I dna em o t d a h I t a h t w e n k I n e h w t n io p e h t s a w -tnaW-t’noD-uoY ,potS“ ekil saw I .pots eht detnaw I .”eromyn A-esaesiD-siTh -neuflni dna gnillortnoc pots ot esaesid I nehw tniop eht saw taTh .efil ym gnic saw taTh .niaga yllamron tae ot detrats .oga raey a taht ssel tah W …yas uoy dluow tah W…dnA :M( o t u oy d e p l e h t a h t r e g g i r t l a i t i n i e h t s a w uoy did woH ?aimilub ruoy dniheb evael )?revocer ot eganam

demees smelborp ym rof noi tulos A :M m aer d taer g eTh .neh t k cab yawa r af os s a g n i h t e mo s e mo c e b dl u o c g n i t a e t a h t g n i h t e mo s ,d e s s e r d g n i t t eg s a y r a n i d ro reven I …tuoba k n i h t ot evah t’nod uoy won yB .revocer reve dl uow I thguoh t y h t l a e h m a I t a h t s r a e y 51 n e e b s a h t i y l l a e r t s a p y m f o t r a p s i h t d n a ,n i a g a dl uoc reven I .yawa r af ,r af mees seod .s i h t d e n i g a m i e v a h h t i w g n i l gg u r t s f o s r a e y y n a m e t ip s e D -ac tuoba n m ad a evi g t’nod I ssen l l i eh t s’l u f noops gn i tae neve m’I ,yadot s tei rol reven dl uow I .]shgual[ sl io doog fo elb i s s o p e b l l i w s i h t t a h t d e s s eu g e v a h ff u ts doog eh t l l a gn i tae m’I .yademos f les ym det ci r tser I tah t ff u ts eh t ,won !ti gn i yojne m’I dn a …neh t k cab mor f

I never thought that someday it won’t be an issue for me anymore.

M: A solution for my problems seemed so far away back then. The great dream that eating could become something as ordinary as getting dressed, something you don’t have to think about… I never thought I would ever recover. By now it has been 15 years that I am healthy again, and this part of my past really does seem far, far away. I never could have imagined this.

Despite many years of struggling with the illness I don’t give a damn about caloriets today, I’m even eating spoonful’s of good oils [laughs]. I would never have guessed that this will be possible someday. I’m eating all the good stuff now, the stuff that I restricted myself from back then… and I’m enjoying it!

K: I had just gotten off the train after a long ride and went to a friends house.

Her mom baked something, something really sweet- she baked it solely for my arrival- so I ate it. Afterwards I went home with the train again and I threw it all up again and I felt so bad about it.

I already threw up when I was on my way there, to my friends house. And then her mother bakes something for me and I’m throwing it all up… That was the point when I knew that I had to stop. I was like “Stop, You-Don’t-WantThis-Disease-Anymore”. I wanted the disease to stop controlling and influencing my life. That was the point when I started to eat normally again. That was less that a year ago.

(M: And…What would you say… What was the initial trigger that helped you to leave behind your bulimia? How did you manage to recover?)

K: I guess somehow I knew. I knew that I would get admitted in Tulln again, and that I don’t have to wait until the last day, but I can stop right away.

When I got admitted to the hospital for the first time, I didn’t stop until the day I entered the hospital. Once I was there, I started fighting. This time I was like…

“You know so many strategies, you learned so much already. You don’t have to wait to get admitted again to start your fight.” But yeah. So much experience in therapy. I had just finished and internship where I realized “Hey, that’s the job that I want to do”- and I knew that the job was incompatible with my eating disorder. It went on for such a long time already, and I was so sick of it, and then… I changed medications… and then I was like: “ Stop. Now I can do it. I’m getting help in Tulln, I don’t have classes, I have holidays, I need to take the chance.”

Context

t

8,2

13

New Anorexia patients per 100.000 citizen

New Btulimia patients per 100.000 citizen

95% of those affected by an eating disorder are between 12 and 26 years old.

Prevalence of eating disorders in young women and girls

50%

12x That’s the fatality risk of anorexia nervosa compared to all the other death causes in women between 15 and 24 years old.

About 95% of those affected by an eating disorder are women.

3,7% Anorexia 4% Bulimia 5% Binge Eating 13% Subsyndral Forms

of those affected by an eating disorder also fulfill the medical criteria for depression.

90%

52%

Of girls between 12 and 18 years old in western Europe are not satisfied with their body proportions.

Have gone on a diet without actually being overweight.

gn i tae n a yb det ceff a esoh t fo %59 62 d n a 2 1 n e e w t e b e r a r e d r o s i d .dlo s r a e y

31

2,8

r e p s t n e i t a p a i m i l u t B w eN nezi tic 000.001

r e p s t n e i t a p a i x e r o n A w eN nezi tic 000.001

slrig dna nemow gnuoy ni sredrosid gnitae fo ecnelaverP

%05 gn i tae n a yb det ceff a esoh t fo ai reti rc l aci dem eh t l l fi l u f osl a redrosi d . noi s s e rp e d ro f

x21 ai xeron A %7,3 ai m i l uB %4 g n i t a E e g n i B %5 smroF lardnysbuS %31

%25

%09

t u o h t i w t ei d a no e nog e v a H .t hgi e w r e v o gn i e b y l l a u t ca

sr aey 81 dn a 21 neew teb slr i g fO -a s t o n e r a e p o r u E n r e t s e w n i d l o .snoi t roporp ydob r ieh t h ti w defisi t

asov ren ai xeron a fo ksi r y ti l a taf eh t s’ta Th n i s e s u a c h t a e d r e h t o e h t l l a o t d e r a p mo c . d l o s r a e y 4 2 d n a 51 n e e w t e b n e m o w

n a yb det ceff a esoh t fo %59 tuob A . n e mo w e r a r e d ro s i d g n i t a e

Doing this project sometimes was sometimes quite difficult.

This book is still in the process of becoming. The texts which are intended to accompany its content on the following pages, an essay about Eating Disorders within Society and a Glossary were at the time of the production of this dummy version in an unfinished stadium. This is why they have not found their way into the book at hand.

We hope to complete this project as fast as possible and, in doing so, to provide interested readers with further background information on the subject matter.

Text: Eating Disorders and Society.

[To be written by a sociologist or the like]

Glossary

Colophon

Photography & Interviews Mafalda Rakoš www.mafaldarakos.com Graphic Design Denise Rudolf Frank denise.rudolf.frank@gmail.com Printing Höhere Graphische Bundes Lehr- und Versuchsanstalt Thank you All the participants, Franz König, Lynn Hoffman-Brouse and the DPF, Dennis, Michaela and everyone else of the self-help group, Ingrid, Monika, Maarten, Robert, Uli, Andi, Lena, and especially our mothers.

Vienna, 2016. © 2016 by the authors All rights reserved. This book or parts of it must not be duplicated, saved in databases or transfered in any form without the written permission of the authors.