TRUE STORY

FEAR WAS

ALWAYS UPON US

There is a special word in the local language for girls who dress as boys: “bacha posh”. Boys in Afghanistan simply have a higher value. For example, a boy is allowed to grow up like a normal child. For Nadia Ghulam, her disguise was a matter of survival. In her book, she not only draws an historically accurate picture of the social realities in a perennially occupied country, but also formulates a plea against the oppression of women. Today she lives in Barcelona as a social pedagogue and activist, works with refugees and migrants and wants to give “people a voice who have none”.

Why did you dress up as a boy? NADIA GHULAM: When I was eight years old, a bomb hit our house directly. They destroyed not only my school and my house, but my whole childhood and youth. I was in a coma for six months and spent two years in various hospitals. When the Taliban came to power in 1994, they didn’t allow women to go to school or work. It was war and I started dressing like my brother. I thought of it as a solution for one day and tomorrow things will change, tomorrow I will be Nadia again and go on with my life. That dream dragged on for ten years. For ten long years I played the man of the house, I was my mother’s son and I had to work for my family and raise my sisters. When I came to Spain in men’s clothes, I was 21 years old.

What were your worst experiences from that time? When I was no longer allowed to go to school. That was the most difficult moment for me, and I said to my mother, “Please pray that I have an accident and die.” My mother asked, “Why do you want to die because you are not allowed to go to school? I wasn’t allowed to go to school either and I didn’t want to die right away just because of that.” And I said, “No, I don’t want to be like you, mother. I want an education.”

What is the relationship with your mother like? In the beginning it was very difficult for my mother to call me by my brother’s name. I had to remind her how dangerous it would be if she called me Nadia. One night I watched her at prayer, always repeating my brother’s name instead of Allah. “I am practising your name,” she said. To this day, she calls me Zelmai.

Nadia Ghulam slipped into the identity of her deceased brother at the time of the Taliban’s first regime in order to survive and provide for her family. In “The Secret of My Turban” she tells her true story.

T E X T

URSULA SCHE I DL

Nadia Ghulam Dastgir. The secret of my turban. Disguised as a boy under the Taliban. Translated from the Spanish by Silke Kleemann. cbt, 352 pages, € 10.30. Emotionally, it must have been very difficult to hide your true identity, especially during puberty? Yes, it was difficult, especially because I had to keep my feelings to myself. I couldn’t tell anyone when I fell in love, for example. If I had a feeling, I had to hide it completely. In my teenage years I suffered a lot and prayed to God: “Help me not to love”.

Do you remember any positive experiences from this time? I learned to understand Afghan men. I know their lives are far from easy. Many of them are suffering because of the war, each in their own way. Being on the street and working with them, I learned how hard life is for them, too.

Was it difficult to become Nadia again? In Barcelona, at first I didn’t want to be a woman because I wanted to drive a car and ride a bike, have friends and

Courageous. Since a novel of her life story was published, Nadia Ghulam has received constant death threats. Nevertheless, the author, who now lives in Spain, continues to publicly campaign for women’s rights and against social injustice.

Safe. Nadia Ghulam is very fond of the family that very kindly took her in and has found a second home in Barcelona.

just be alone. When I was alone for the first time, I realized that as a woman I can do anything I want, so I didn’t have to hide my identity anymore. I swim and laugh. And people don’t know how happy I feel to have regained my freedom!

Is life in Afghanistan still difficult? Unfortunately, nothing has changed for the majority in the last 20 years. Only 5 million people live in Kabul, the rest of the country is extremely poor and there are hardly any schools. Young people have no choice but to join the Taliban – which is a purely military organization. This saddens me, because these boys should have a pen and paper in their hands instead of a weapon. Some things have changed for just 20 percent of the population, the rest suffer even more than before.

Can you imagine returning to Afghanistan? It is my dream! I have to return to Afghanistan because my country needs people with knowledge and education. I know what is happening in my country, what I needed when I was there, how I suffered. So I can help many people in my country, but going there as Nadia would be very dangerous for me.

You have experienced so much pain. Do you have a creed that you live by? I have three that are very important to me: my love for my mother, who was the only one who believed in my survival, my education and my faith, which has always helped me in difficult situations.