By Maggy Hong
Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness. —Jean Vanier
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Why Is It So Hard to Love Ourselves? by Dr. Christina Hibbert
So, why is it so hard to love ourselves? Why can’t we just believe the books, experts, and centuries-old wisdom that tells us we are so much more than we feel we are? Why can’t we accept our strengths and our weaknesses? Why can’t we simply love ourselves and let love in? I don’t have all the answers for why discovering self-worth and practicing selflove are so hard, but I do have some ideas: 1) OUR EXPERIENCES DON’T MATCH what we’re told or shown in the world. We hear, “You are of worth,” “Each soul has infinite value,” “We are all beautiful, talented, amazing, in our own way,” and we may even believe it–for a while. Then, we go out into the harsh world where our beauty and talent are compared to others, where we are judged, and where we learn to judge ourselves. Suddenly, our self-worthy thoughts have vanished. Our own parents or family are often part of this self-doubt system. They may, knowingly or unknowingly, instill in us a struggle with self-worth, through years of criticism, mixed messages, or withheld love. Unfortunately, some live a whole life never hearing a kind word, never feeling the power of true, unconditional Research | 7
love. How can we believe we are worthy of love if we never experience love in its purest form? Even if our parents were loving and taught us self-worth, teachers, friends, and others around us can tarnish our sense of self-worth, if we buy into their lies. Media also contributes, for sure. Images of those who are slimmer, smarter, richer, faster, more creative, more successful, or more beautiful plaster the world outside, create doubt in our world within. 2) WE TEND TO PAY MORE ATTENTION to negative experiences than positive ones. In psychology this is called “The Negativity Bias,” and it means that we humans are much more likely to remember and hold to the negatives of life than the positives. We’re also more likely to let the negatives influence our future behavior. They stick to us like glue. We’ll never forget the time our teacher said we were stupid or that cute high school boy said we were ugly, yet we ignore the dozens of things the people who know and love us see and say about how beautiful and intelligent we are. We ignore all the positive evidence of our beauty and worth, opting instead to cling to the negatives. 3) WE DON’T TRUST OURSELVES. Bottom line. We might feel an inkling, or wonder, “Could it be I really AM amazing?” but we don’t believe ourselves. We discount what is already whispering of our worth within, in favor of the loud messages of doubt without. We then go looking for ways to build our “esteem” in the world–to feel better about ourselves by being better than someone else, or finding the right person to build us up, or becoming a perfectionist so we feel worthy of love. But all of these paths to “self-esteem” will ultimately fail, for they are each built on a system of self-doubt. Instead, we must learn to trust ourselves, to listen for and hear and trust the whispers within that show us our true value and worth, to let go of the opinion and voices of others and trust a greater Source.
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To me, this is the answer for self-esteem problems: learn to tap into the truth within, to hear and feel it. Learning to create experiences outside that match those truths, learning to see the positive evidence around us and believe it–learning to trust, accept, and love ourselves. It can sound very easy, I know. Yet, I also know it’s not–otherwise we would all feel so much self-worth I wouldn’t be writing this. It’s simple, yes. But it’s not easy.
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You are still struggling with self love. Strongly agree
Agree
Neutral
Disagree
Strongly disagree
Self love can help improve... Accepting ourselves
Achieve goals
Self knowledge
All the above
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The age you first developed first love. 1-10
11-21
22-32
33+
IDK
Aspects that affect self love are...
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Seven Steps to Self Love 1. Become Mindful. When you develop self love, you know what you think, feel, and want. You become mindful of who you are and make decisions based on that knowledge, rather than what people want for you. 2. Acting on Needs Rather Than Wants. You love yourself when you can turn away from something that makes you feel excited and good. You focus more on what you need to feel successful and happy. 3. Practice Self Care. Treat yourself how you want to be treated. Nourish yourself with healthy activities, nutrition, plenty of sleep, socializing, intimacy, etc. 4. Set Boundaries. Knowing what you want to limit or say no to in work, love, or activities will lower the chances of you being hurt emotionally and spiritually. 5. Protect Yourself. Make relationships with the right people. There shouldn’t be time wasted one people who don’t care about you. You’ll respect yourself more. 6. Forgive Yourself. As humans, we’re so hard on ourselves. You need to accept you being human and imperfect before you can truly love yourself. Practice being less harsh on yourself when you make a mistake; there are no failures if you learn from your mistakes. 7. Live Intentionally. Have a purpose in your life. It doesn’t have to be clear, but if you know what intentions you want in life, you will make decisions based on those goals. You’ll love yourself more if you accomplish what you set out to do.
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I HAVE YET TO DEVELOP self love because of my awareness of my horrible personality and my appearance. Sometimes I am selfish, rude, and apathetic towards other people. I have a short temper and I easily get emotional. Whether it be anger, sadness, or envy, it comes easily to me. In addition, I'm not fond of how I look. Some people have told me that I'm pretty, but they were friends and family. I tell myself it's bias. Though, even if strangers do tell me I'm pretty, I don't accept it. Despite all of this, there are some aspects of me that I do like: I always lend an ear to friend's and family when they need to vent and/or ask for advice, I always try to understand the other person by taking in consideration of their situation/personality/what they have said beforehand. Though, I don't think these 2 pros are enough for me to develop self love for myself. Whenever I develop a crush on someone, I've gotten used to holding myself back because I don't think I'm good enough for anyone. I know that having self love is important for my happiness and for my health in all aspects (I.e mental). Hopefully, I will finally be able to accept all of myself, the good and the bad, and develop self love. Thank you for reading :)
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not so perfect
I STRUGGLE WITH SELF LOVE a lot. When I say I do love myself, I still find a way to put myself down and not love myself for me. I’m slowly progressing though. Loving the things I am insecure about little by little. It takes time, but my boyfriend is helping me learn to love myself which is helpful. The support of others is what helps me to learn how to self love.
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I’VE ALWAYS LOVED MYSELF. I tend to question why it’s so difficult for others to have love for themselves. Throughout my life I have been admired for how carefree I can be and how I don’t let others put me down, and as a result I’ve never been bullied. I’m not quite sure what caused me to love myself. Perhaps it was my upbringing or shows I had seen. Nonetheless, I’m glad I’ve developed self love so early and hope others will accept themselves for who they are even when times get hard because the opinion that matters the most...is your own.
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I FIRST FOUND SELF LOVE after I broke up with my abusive boyfriend, and I started doing things for myself. I never did that before and the first time ever I had confidence in myself and loved myself.
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I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW if I have developed self-love yet. I think it comes, it goes, and overall I'm still working on it. I might just be impartial because I don't want to think about it or it's conflicting. I do know that believe that self-love is important, though the most tricky part is understanding how that relationship might work best for each person. I think growing up I was very fortunate to have many people who were the same race as me. I don't have anything against people of other races, but diversity is important and it's nice to have people who you can relate to on an alternate cultural level. It's a weird thing looking back though because I only became truly conscious of the fact that I was Asian when I reached high school. I think this was because as you get older, there is more and more grouping of people into different categories, which helps people form different preconceived associations. This has been background so far, but there was one point where I thought I might look prettier if I had a different and lighter hair color rather than black
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(really very dark brown). By having lighter hair color, I would imagine that life would be a little better. I can't exactly remember how long these thoughts would remain, but they would eventually come to pass. (My parents aren't big on dying hair too so I think that also contributed). Overtime, I thought, “Well if blond, light brown and all these other hair colors besides my own can be beautiful, why can't black?” It seems a bit ridiculous now, but I would turn it into, “Oh, black hair makes me look mysterious and cool!” But besides all that, I think that I began to realize, I was fine with black hair, and if other people somehow judged me for that, I shouldn't care what they think because it's a superficial and unnecessary judgment. I put makeup on once and a friend told me, “Wow, imagine, this is you could everyday!” and that initially shocked me and then I thought about how I could put on makeup everyday, but I'm also very comfortable not doing so too. Though I have no judgment for people who do change their look or have certain opinions! I believe that everyone should live and be themselves however they are happiest! So self love is an ongoing discussion with myself and I think it will continue to be for a long time, but that's just the reality. I guess all I can do is to try to live however my happiest life is and try to accept myself on both good and bad days, which in itself is also hard!
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this is success
I KNOW WHAT SELF LOVE consists of, but as for myself I do believe it is easy to go through rough times where your love for yourself is not as strong as other times. I’ve discovered this early last year. I struggle with it at times. I think it’s important to love yourself because this will bring happiness. Without self love we tend to lose our self and possibly create hatred towards ourselves. For example, constantly comparing yourself to others and not feeling “worthy” because you aren’t as smart, rich, successful or pretty as others can create a toxic mindset. I think self love is possible, but it can fluctuate overtime.
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WHEN I FIRST DISCOVERED self love I had come from rough relationships where the female didn't care as much as I did and I'm not a saint either I'm guilty of doing the same to females as well, but the relationship was filled with emotional abuse and this has happened on many occasions. Throughout it all I felt as if I was never good enough, but I came to realize that I'm not what those people think. All my friends, and some would cheer me up, while some of them said friends and family are no longer around. So I fell into another state of depression feeling as if I wasn’t good enough. So I just learned over time that I'm really all I have so I have to find some way, so I ended up finding ways to cope with myself and get better and being comfortable with myself. I came to terms with everything about me and I learned to appreciate myself, and I now love everything about myself. I'm no longer as self conscious as I used to be.
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I LEARNED I STRUGGLE with self love when I started talking to this girl. I learned I had a lot of insecurities I have yet to accept. This caused a lot of problems with myself and her.
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MY JOURNEY WAS A LONG ONE, I grew up in a relatively large family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other, or at least that’s how I’d like to see it now. I remember as a child we were fairly close-knit, we went out on camping trips, fishing, and parks. The standard family life I’d imagine. When our parents were busy working, the elder siblings would often bully us into doing their bidding and slowly, surely, as life continued to drag on, somewhere along the way it was as if something had planted a poisonous weed within our field of daisies. This would eventually lead to our family falling apart: anger and pain running deep within the veins of this one magnificent family, until one day it would all end. A stake would be driven into the heart of these proud, yet pitiful creatures whom are claimed to be the most intelligent species to walk this accursed land. I’ve found self love, and yet the more I find, the more I realize that self love is a never ending journey. Yet instead of 26 | Stories
feeling hopeless at the magnitude of it all, it actually feels wonderful. That feeling of freedom and joy once you begin to chase your dreams and live, not simply to exist, but to strive towards something which holds meaning to yourself. That is a beautiful thing, and I hope everyone will catch a glimpse of it someday within this short amount of time we are allowed to have here in this world. It truly is a beautiful place even though at times the horrendous acts we see may cloud that vision of a world full of beauty. Anyway, a lot of things happened and I’ve had ups and downs, but now things are decent. I’ve got a long way to go and recently I’ve found that I want to continue writing stories, doing music, and yeah, the artistic side of life is what I dream of. I love it. I’ve also started working out again and I feel great. I used to wake up in the morning and dread going to my job, but now I see it as a way to sustain my hobbies, as I work towards my dreams, and I guess it’s becoming evident things have changed. People around me seem a little more brighter now that I walk in with a positive air around me. I don’t expect it to be an easy road, but nonetheless I will continue down this path I’m making for myself, and I have, and will, continue to make the changes and sacrifices necessary to reach my dreams and goals. One day, I will become the inspiration for everyone who knew me when
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cease to exist
they’re feeling down and are giving up in life. One day, when all seems lost, I’ll be there, someone who they can relate to, and instill into their minds, “if Vor hasn’t given up yet, I can’t either! It’s possible, just have to keep going!” That would truly make me happy. I have no issue with seeing others succeed. Actually, I want others to do better than me, and if I can be that inspiration for them to do so I would be glad to go through any trials to blaze a path. First and foremost, I realize I need to better myself before I can help others get to their destination. This is my vision. This is my own form of self love at the moment. We all have different talents, skills, and abilities. I just hope one day that people cease to simply exist and instead strive to live chasing their dreams. A dream that only they and a handful of people around them envision.
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SELF-LOVE... HMM WHERE TO BEGIN... these two simple yet complex set of words is like a foreign language to me that I have yet to discover. Growing up I have always been told to act a certain way that was acceptable by society and have been compared numerous of times to other students, relatives, friends, and even to complete strangers that possess the qualities of a fine young lady. Everything from my personality to my physical features, I have always been told that I have to be like this person or look like this person to be good enough. After being told so many times to be like something other than myself, I was convinced that there must have been something wrong with me if everyone is always telling me to be something other than myself. I’ve always struggled with pretending to be something I’m not because it’ll help me “fit in” or make me seem more normal. There came a point in my life when I was at the lowest of my lows questioning what is even the point of going on with life if everything I do is never good enough and how anything I do will never be good enough. When it comes to the people in life I care so dearly about, whenever they degrade themselves or question their worth, I would be the first person to tell them, “You are a m’f queen and you deserve the world and nothing less. You don’t have to have the prettiest face or the most fit body or even the nicest of things, you have a heart of gold and just because there are those who cannot 30 | Stories
see that does not mean there is something wrong with you, there’s something wrong with them”. However, when it comes to myself, I am my harshest critic. I can name a million things wrong with me that I would change, but if you ask me what are my star qualities, I simply don’t have an answer because I don’t believe that I have any good characteristics. I have came to the conclusion that I am not the prettiest, not the nicest, not the most intelligent, or even the most interesting human being but that’s okay. I’ve come to the realization that I will not be the best at everything, but that does not mean who I am and what I can offer in life is useless or pointless. I would like to believe I am a decent human being. I try my best to live up to what is expected of me by my family members, I put my own issues aside to be there for my friends and loved ones, I keep to myself and don’t cause harm or trouble to others so even if I’m not the ideal young lady everyone wants me to be. I’m content with who I am. I am at the stage in my life where I am analyzing my faults and flaws and I am learning to accept them. Self-love is a concept I have yet to reach, however I am slowly but surely making my way there beginning with self-acceptance.
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you can’t be yourself
I’M STILL ON MY JOURNEY towards finding self love. I’m about to graduate college, and all throughout my college career I have been stressed and struggling mentally and emotionally. I have been feeling like everything I do is because I was told to do it and that I am not doing something I really love. I am a people pleaser which is hurting me because I couldn’t possibly please everyone. Even though I know that I still try. Every day I sing. Singing is my passion, and it is how I show myself love because I am taking time to do what I want. Not what others tell me I should do or want. I am a singer by nature, and I will pursue that dream because it is what I love. When I do the things I love, that is the biggest form of self love to me.
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Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it. —Thaddeus Golas
A Journey to Self Love