THE RAPIDS OF GRIEF

Grief is a normal and natural emotional reaction that we experience in response to loss of any kind.

I often liken the grief experience to this metaphor: paddling along the ‘river of life’, negotiating the ups and downs of normal living when suddenly a loss; the death of a loved one, divorce, redundancy, life threatening illness, throws us unexpectedly into freefall down a churning waterfall, tossing us into the churning whirlpool below fighting for breath. The fall is unavoidable, the only way is down…

Our world as we know it is suddenly and inexplicably turned upside down. We are overwhelmed with churning emotions over which we have little control; shock, numbness, despair, yearning, denial, anger, to name but a few. Whatever other life stressess we are dealing with at that time may intensify the rapids. We fight for survival in the ensuing waters, gasping for air, and find it hard to understand how the rest of the world continues unaffected on the riverbanks beside us. Sometimes we are battered and bruised against rocks under the surface. Sometimes washed into calmer waters to rest for a while, before being caught up once more and thrown back again into the current and full force of the rapids. We cannot see an end to our turmoil but just keep paddling, a day at a time, just to keep our head above water and survive. Some lucky ones find the support of paddle partners, or an experienced river guide, or sandbars to rest, along the way. This may make their journey more manageable but for others who lack support they paddle alone doing the best they can with the resources available. Eventually, in time, we begin to enter calmer waters with only the odd small whirlpool and eddy to throw us off course. We slowly begin to be able to refocus on the passing scenery and everyday events and notice, that we are now in a different part of the river than before our loss. We cannot travel upstream to our old life but need to learn to embrace this new experience and new direction. Our grief may never reduce in magnitude, but our new life may slowly enlarge around it. Continuing the bonds with our loved ones through memories, photographs, and talking about them will help integrate their loss into our lives moving forward. There is no RIGHT way to grieve. No two people grieve in the same way. There is no fixed period for grief to last. It may take months; it may take years.

There is no normal so whatever feels right for you is okay. You cannot avoid the pain of grief but, at best, just manage the pain in bite sized chunks and in between, endeavour to function on some level that allows you to manage and keep your head above water down that river. Be patient with yourself it will eventually get easier but if it is overwhelming and you feel unable to function and look after yourself, or others for whom you are responsible, then please seek a paddle partner or river guide in the form of bereavement support.

Dr Armorel Wood mBACP, Accred MNCS Private counsellor

077665915211

Email: woodarmorel@gmail.com

Mapletreetherapy.org.uk