MASSIVE Magazine Issue 5 by Maia Visnovsky

FREE MAGAZINE ISSUE 05/2015

EDITORIAL 02

Letters to the editor

Editorial

LOCAL NEWS 07

Presidential Address

Events feed

Wellington local

Auckland local

Manawatu local

FEATURES 16

Budget 2015: Students shafted again

Student flatters: Fight for your rights

Geocoaching: The ultimate treasure hunt

Photo feature: B L U E

The magic of Cosentino

Alan Davies: Little victories

REVIEWS COLUMNS

Local Travel: Whanganui

Representative Chic

Food Blog: Pummie Pie and Carby Carbonara

Uni Mum

Expressive Arts

POTTER TIME

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Hey there, I was recently reading your latest issue, and when I got to the guru part, I was a little disturbed by the very bad information in the one relating to vaginal smells. Although yes it was funny, there was very bad information given, and almost everything that the Guru said could lead to damaging ones lady parts, not making them better. Also, they aren’t meant to smell like daisies. Maybe it would be possible to have a sexual health issue, relating to proper care and cleaning of both sets of genitals (lord knows men smell terrible). But other than that, top notch! Thanks Kym Hulena

Dear editor (Kim Dot Com one would believe from the latest caricature of you in Massive issue 4) Just wanted to flick a quick email your way to let you know I really enjoyed the latest issue of Massive. I even have an inkling to hit up Flaxmere thanks to Carwyn’s wonderful advice. Also, looooooved the Mean Girls theme of Puzzle Time. Puzzle Time should continue to be themed all the time. Otherwise I’ll have to bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles, and eat it, so I can be happy. Keep up the great work you guys do, I always get excited to see the latest issue gracing the Palmy library. Sincerely, Mean Girls Enthusiast (Amy Macaulay)

Dear editor, We were sorry to hear of ‘Pipe down’s’ less than positive experience (Letters to the editor No. 3, 2015) of the redeveloped Library space, as the feedback to date from students and staff has been very affirming. As part of the design of the new library spaces we drew from a workshop held to better understand student perspectives on what they wanted from their library. A strong recurring theme was the need for a diversity of offerings, but particularly increased space to facilitate collaborative study. This feedback came from students across a number of colleges. As one of the key practices of 21st century education we could only agree. It’s been quite a while since libraries were designed as temples to silence, but we recognised that quieter space was also required and endeavoured to provide for that within our fairly modest footprint. Observation to date is that yes, there is ‘a current etiquette’ and that for the most part students are observing the de facto behavioural norms of the spaces. The ground floor is the fairly buzzy, high activity area and we hoped it would be. If we enforced silence here most students would stop coming. The entrance area to Level B is similar, as this was designed to be a collaboration and production space. There are quieter spaces for reflective, individual study - and the occasional soft conversation - toward the back and West side of Level B, and an

even more silent zone on the right end of the Mezzanine where the journals are located. Our users have been pleasingly observant of these spatial distinctions without the need for any ‘behavioural’ exhortations through signage (there is little evidence that signs make a difference to behaviour in libraries). There have been only 2-3 incidents over the last months where we’ve been asked to intervene to shush the odd group and these have been quietly resolved. If ‘Pipe down’ finds the quieter areas are less than conducive to study then we’re very happy to have a word with those causing ‘disquiet’. Kind Regards Ursula Clarke, Wellington Campus Librarian

Dear editor, Last Monday my life changed forever. I remember this particular Monday because the sunset was beaming brighter than my five-head under Dad’s new LED kitchen lights. Hues of orange attacked softer shades of red, and the clouds paced with the wind, disappearing as quickly as they came but staying just long enough to be a part of the bigger picture - kind of like my uncle around Christmas time. I was walking down Cuba Street with my best mate, his man bun absorbing every single colour of the sunset, and bouncing delicately atop his head as though it had its own little trampoline. I also noticed the flicker in his blue eyes, not Massey blue, but like the blue of a pair of socks you used to wear every day. You loved them dearly but they have been through the wash fifty too many times and are now a sort of sad, retired blue. Still, you love them no less. I’m not gay, but he’s my best mate. If he was gay, I’d call him a fag as a joke. Myself and my friend, let’s call him Sharknado, had just picked up two fresh copies of MASSIVE Magazine on the way to St Pierre’s sushi, where we each grabbed a sushi of the day for $5.40 and minted back home to devour some tepid salmon and a couple cups of coffee. I think I had a cigarette as well, but I can’t really remember. I know Sharknado didn’t have a cigarette; he doesn’t smoke, so there’s that. What follows is a (more than likely) verbatim of our conversation

once we had arrived, and consumed, the infamous ‘Ask Guru’ pages. Sharknado: “You read that guru shit?” Me: “Yup” Sharknado: “Does Ben still write those?” Me: “Did he ever? I always imagined he did but did we ever confirm that?” Sharknado: “Unconfirmed, I believe” Me: “Well, it’s still shit.” And that was that. There wasn’t really much thought put into reacting to the piece, not for a lack of care but simply because the Guru has always been there. Long before I started my three year degree, four years ago, long before the All Blacks devastating semi-final loss to France in 1999, long before the invention of the computer, the Zeppelin crash, the New Zealand land wars of 1860, and even before the invention of condoms themselves. Before all of this, there was naught but Guru, who some believe is older than the cosmos. There is actually a reason I sat down today to punch these keys into some form of sort-ofrelevant, sporadically structured piece of shit. You are currently four hundred words into reading this piece of shit, and it has contained no information of any relevance to your day to day life. You do not care that Sharknado doesn’t smoke but is partial to a cup of coffee, yet I do. I would never offer him a cigarette, if I did he would never take one, yet he doesn’t mind when I smoke around him.

Sometimes when we drink he lets me smoke inside. The point of this extremely long winded toilet ornament is to say that being offended is relative to who you are and almost nothing more. Something might boil you down to the bones and make you want to burn MAWSA to the ground, but some people, like Sharknado and myself, have the ability to dismiss shit as shit and move on with our lives. We live in a remarkable world where not only are we allowed to be offended by anything; we are also allowed to offend. As a strong supporter of Feminism in 2015, I ask you all to calm the fuck down and let Guru do his thang, after all, he will be here long after you are gone. #JesuisGuru Josh Dey

EVERYONE’S A WINNER! MASSIVE would love to hear from you. You can drop your letters into any students’ association office, or email them to editor@massivemagazine.org.nz . Alternatively, you could play Harry Potter: pretend the nearest bird you find is an owl, and ask it nicely to deliver your letter to us, down our imaginary chimney. Whatever method you choose, if your letter reaches us, and is published, you will win a bag of People’s coffee. To claim your prize, flick us an email.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR To whom it may concern, It has come to mine, and several other students’ attention, the content of the ‘Ask Guru’ column on page 44 and 45 of the latest issue of Massive Magazine. This anonymous ‘satirical’ advice column is intended to have a humorous, ‘piss-take’ feel. However, it is filled with inaccurate, offensive, misogynistic, hetero-normative, cis-sexist comments about female bodies and sexuality. I am assuming by the countless grammatical errors that this article wasn’t thoroughly edited, and I am assuming the best in the Massive editing team that publishing this disrespectful, sexist column somehow slipped through the cracks and was published accidentally. However, if this is untrue, and the Massive team were aware of the content of this ‘Ask Guru’ page, I sincerely hope that this page is removed from the remaining copies of the magazine and an apology is issued to the readers and followers, and students of Massey University. In response to this, I have provided some alternative answers to these offensive questions, feel free to publish these so Massive readers are provided with an alternative. 1. Q: My boyfriend has a new job and it seems like he is so busy that he has no time for sex anymore- he just comes home late and dozes off. It makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. How do I make him pounce on my again like he used to? A: Some alarming comments in the original answer suggest that it is “easy to fix him” when “getting your boyfriend back on the sex wagon”. An important thing to remember is that despite harmful stereotypes within toxic

masculinity that all men are hyper sexual creatures; every person has the right to a consensual sexual relationship. Just because he used to “pounce on you” as you suggest, doesn’t give you the right to “slap his face with a dildo” as the previous answer mentions. Relationships go through different sexual stages that are normal for everyone, and your boyfriend has the right to his own body and sexuality without the risk of his partner trying to “fix him” or trick him into arousal. One good comment that the previous author included was to “ask him why he doesn’t want to do the deed, at least then you know why”. Discussion and conversation is an important part of consent in a sexual relationship, and if you are to pay attention to any part of the original statement, this sentence should be the one. Successful relationships are complicated and require continuous effort from both parties involved. The measure of success in a relationship is through how both parties meet to satisfy the needs of each other and make each other happy. If your partner’s lack of sexual appetite towards you makes you feel “unattractive and unwanted”, I suggest re-evaluating placing the onus on your sex life to validate your confidence and self-worth. Re-evaluating this is an ongoing commitment that not everyone desires, so in saying that, if your boyfriend continues to have this impact on how you feel about yourself, it may be worth re-evaluating whether to stay in the relationship or not. 2. Q: How do I make my girl cock hungry? I want to be able to bang her on the fly at uni in between class. What is the best way to go about this without sounding like a deviant?

A: Contrary to the original authors suggestion: “starve her, and eventually she will eat your willy”, you may want to consider analysing how you treat and think about your girlfriend, because frankly I feel sorry for her. This question poses similar problems that I acknowledged in my previous answer, around consent and autonomy. One sentence in the previous answer that was actually correct said, “she has [the] right to say no to sex at uni”. Your girlfriend has the right to her own body and to express her sexuality however she pleases. If she is not “cock hungry” (an offensive and derogatory term), then it is your job as her partner to respect and abide by her wishes. When I say you need to analyse how you think about your girlfriend, I mean considering her as her own person with her own wants and needs. It is your job, as her partner, to uplift her and be a positive addition to her life. The original author states that impromptu sexual acts mean “eventually she’ll be fucking you ‘til the cows come home and you’re jizzing everywhere”. In opposition to this, women are not a hive-mind where all it takes is a few particular tricks to make her want to have sex with you. Stating you want to make her “cock hungry” so you can “bang her on the fly in between class” is incredibly belittling and objectifying, and I’m sure any girlfriend would take great offense to being spoken about as if she were a blow-up doll, as a hole to satisfy you. Women, believe it or not, are complex human beings with differing opinions, personalities and sexual desires that you, as her partner, should be aware of. 3. Q: My girlfriend’s vagina smells! She always wants me to go down on her. I do

it only to make her happy, but I don’t know how to tell her, her vagina smells. Help me Guru! How do I tell my girlfriend her vagina smells like fish? A: First of all I would like to address some of the previous answers mentioned in order to correct them. For the first sentence to be “vagina’s make me LOL” it is evident that this advice will not be factual in the slightest, and contrary to the author’s statement “Guru’s advice is the advice that only Gods can provide”- to discuss genitalia in what is intended to be a humorous way is derogatory and offensive. The vagina is a muscle. It does not exist to cater to you; it is not a Glade plug-in that you can switch on whenever you want to go down on her. If you want your girlfriend’s vagina to smell “like a flower”, may I suggest the Wellington Botanical Gardens as a more appropriate place for you to get off as opposed to your girlfriend’s genitalia. Proposing that the reader’s should “get out the scrubbing brush, pass it over to your girlfriend, and scrub the shit out of it”, “turn the whole washing private parts into a sexy fun time and shove soaps up there” and “turn to Lynx Africa and spray the shit out of it” is humiliating to those of us with vaginas. These suggested “solutions” strip people with vaginas of their autonomy and present their sexual organs as disgusting, less-than, and something to be changed and/or fixed. This is also very suggestive of violence towards vaginas, discussing shoving things up the vaginal cavity and spraying/scrubbing the shit out of it is incredibly threatening at a broader level, but especially so when discussing how someone should treat their

partner. For someone to suggest such violence in a ‘humorous’ manner towards someone whom you are supposed to love and protect is especially scary. The last comment “don’t spray her fanny with Lynx; her fanny ain’t that sKuXxX” seems to be an attempt to negate the damage done with this answer however, all problematic aspects aside, this original answer is uneducated and unsafe. For those of you who don’t know, it is advised not to wash your vagina with soaps or body washes because of the pH (potential hydrogen) level in these products. Most soaps have an unbalanced level of acidity and when these come into contact with the labia and vagina can cause irritation or soreness or even lead to infections such as thrush. PS. Those of you with vaginas reading this that may be experiencing a change in odour, this is a symptom of Vaginitis often caused by a yeast infection or bacteria. This can be treated by antibiotics or anti-fungal medication. It would be best to see your doctor or sexual health care professional. Massey University offers a Student Health Centre where you can get help for this. For any reader’s that would like more information on the topics I’ve mentioned, feel free to take a look at the ‘Massey University’s Friendly Feminists’ (MUFF) Facebook group. Thank you very much, Nicole Webber

Hello all, My name is Kim – I’m your basic average girl, and I’m here to save the world. And by saving the world I mean throwing together a magazine for you all to enjoy as you attempt to get back on the grind after semester break. I hope your holiday went swimmingly, and I wish you all the best of luck as you dive into a fresh semester. You have so much to look forward to, like lots of caffeine, tight deadlines, and late nights. In the past month, we have received some complaints about the content in the Ask Guru column in issue four. Firstly, I want to thank you all for your feedback, as it helps us become a stronger publication. As the editor, I would like to apologise for allowing this harmful content to be published. The Guru column will be returning next issue, but with guidelines in place to ensure that all content is respectful. In the future I will be taking a more critical look at the work I choose to publish to ensure that it does not contain any language that may cause harm. In this issue, we explore the new craze that is geocaching, analyse the budget from a student perspective, and discuss the rights that student flatters have, plus heaps more engaging content. Enjoy this issue, and call me, beep me, if ya wanna reach me! Until next time, Kim Possible

PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS

LINSEY HIGGINS MUSA PRESIDENT

BYRON BROOKS ASA PRESIDENT

TOM PRINGLE MAWSA PRESIDENT

You’re halfway through your term as president - what are some things that you have achieved so far that you are most proud of? I’m now ¾ of my way through my presidency- 1.5 years down! I’m currently struggling to figure out what I’ll do next year. I’m most proud of my staff and their amazing cohesive spirit that will be here when I move on at the end of the year. Voluntary Student Membership (VSM) took a toll on us at MUSA and I’ve been part of the process of us getting back on track. How have you overcome some challenges you have faced so far? My biggest challenge has been communicating with students. Prior to VSM we could communicate to students en masse and be fully accountable. Now we must be more creative in how we communicate with students, as en masse communication is currently not an option. What exciting things can the Palmy students expect from you and the rest of the team at MUSA in Semester Two? In Semester Two, students can expect Clubs Day on the 15th of July. We also aim to have events every Wednesday, including the return of the monthly Concourse Farmers Market on the 22nd of July. We’ve also got a food festival planned, and we’re hoping to bring back Stress Free Study Week for the end of Semester Two (which means more candy floss and creatures to cuddle!) Using one sentence why should students transfer to the Palmy campus? Come to our campus, we’ve got amazing events, the best wedges ever, and free buses!

Before you were elected as president, you must’ve had expectations of what the role would be like - how has the experience so far compared to your expectations? Being ASA president has been challenging, but very rewarding. There are many different aspects to the role that I had never even considered, but each of them has been different, interesting, and I have learnt a lot. You’re halfway through your term as president - what are some things that you have achieved so far that you are most proud of? I am proud of achieving an excellent Semester One Orientation with my executive, a new clubs policy for Albany students, which makes applying for grants easier, and an amazing Stress Less Fest put on by our Advocate (Penny Lyall). What exciting things can the Auckland students expect from you and the rest of the team at ASA in Semester Two? Students should be looking forward to the ball, which will be held on the 20th of August. That is the one event of the year they do not want to miss. Other things they should look forward to are seeing the thousand cranes they made being hung up, and an awesome Winter Fest Re - orientation for Semester Two. Please provide an inspirational quote that will motivate students to succeed in semester two. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up. - Thomas Edison

What are some things that you’ve achieved so far, as president of MAWSA, that you are most proud of? With the help of my team, I have set up regular meetings and developed stronger relationships with the university which has meant we can now provide more for students. What have been some challenges that you’ve faced as president so far, and how have you attempted to overcome them? Dealing with time / the lack of it has been challenging, but learning new time management skills has been good. What exciting things can the Wellington students expect from you and the rest of the team at MAWSA in Semester Two? We have three balls coming up, covering all schools on campus. We are also hosting some new on - campus events in Re - O Week. We will also be continuing having free bread and fruit available on campus. Please provide an inspirational quote that will help to motivate students to succeed in Semester Two. Make the most of your time, it is precious. Build on every interaction you have. Find something you enjoy, and enjoy it. You are often seen at campus sizzling sausages, on a scale of 1 to superior sizzler, how would you now rate your sausage sizzling skills? Would be up there ay, everyone seems to love it when I provide a good sizzle.

EVENTS FEED WELLINGTON CAMPUS Re-orientation Week: July 14-19, this week will include a WACSOC evening, a Hype Day, Flat Wars, a wrap-up party and much more. For more details, check out the MAWSA Facebook page. Clubs day: Wednesday July 22, 11-2pm at the Pyramid. Class Advocate Training: 5 – 7 pm July 23 and 12 – 1.30 July 30 in the Fern and Flax room. MAWSA Balls: July 24, 25, 28. Get your ticket now, only $40 from the MAWSA office. Limited tickets available, so get in quick! Club leaders Workshop: July 29, 5:30– 8:30pm Fern and Flax room. Free pizza! Cultural Food day: August 5, Pyramid. Kokiri Ngatahi Kai and Korero: Wednesdays, 12:00-13:00, Whanau Room Massey Wellington Life Drawing Club: Every Thursday of the semester, 18:00-20:00 Check out www.facebook.com/groups/ MasseyWellingtonLifeDrawing for location. Anime and Manga Club: Meet Thursdays 17:00 in 5C12. Watch anime, discuss and play games. Free food: Wednesdays, all day, MAWSA office. Kaibosh is a food redistribution charity that redistributes food to people who need it. All the food that we get is still usable and aimed at students in hardship. Come get it!

AUCKLAND CAMPUS Winter Festival: Monday July 13Wednesday July 15, Student Central MUTS Shakespeare production: July 13-July 17. For more info, check out MUTS on Facebook. MUTS Bitsa rehearsal: July 14, 5-7pm. For more info, email: masseyunimuts@gmail.com Club Grant closing day: Sunday 19 July 2015 08:00am - 05:00pm. If you want to apply for a club grant - you’ll need to get your application in by the end of today! Te Wiki o te Reo Maori/ Maori Language Week: From Monday 27 July - 02 August Class Advocates’ Training: Wednesday 29 July 12:00pm - 02:00pm, Student Lounge. Sign up to be a class advocate now, then come along to one of the catered training sessions. We want to make sure we have enough food for you, so make sure you let us know you are coming by emailing class.advocates@asa.ac.nz

MUTS Performance of Bitsa Play: Wednesday 29 July 05:00pm - 08:00pm, Friday July 31, 5Theatre Lab, SNW. Contact: masseyunimuts@gmail.com Clubs Development Workshop: July 29 and 31, 5:00pm- 8:00pm, August 1, 1:00pm-8:00pm, Student Lounge. The Clubs’ and Activities Coordinator runs a workshop each semester to help your committee to run a successful club. A $50 grant is awarded to each club that is represented at each workshop. BSG Meeting: Wednesdays, 12:00pm 01:00pm, contact bsg@massey.ac.nz Walking Group: Thursdays, 12-30pm-1pm. Meet at the Recreation Centre reception. Massey Magic the Gathering Club: Thursdays, ASA Lounge, 17:00 Badminton Club: Tuesdays, 17:30 – 19:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Ultimate Frisbee Club: Tuesdays, 17:00 – 19:00 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Toastmasters Breakfast Meeting: Wednesdays, 07:15 – 08:30 StudentLounge Saudi Club: Thursdays 19:30 – 21:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Massey Albany Football Federation (MAFF): Saturdays 14:30 – 16:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Massey University Chinese Basketball Association (MUCBA): Sundays 10:00 – 12:00 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Netball Club: Wednesdays, 17:00-18:00, Recreation Centre Sports Hall Rockclimbing Club: Meet Mondays at 6pm at the carpool car park. For more info about the club contact James Speedy: mua.rockclimbing@gmail.com TSCF Meeting: Wednesdays, 12:0013:00, AT5. Chat, pray, study the bible together, and do social things as well. Chess Club: Tuesdays, 16:00-17:00, Village Campus (opposite Engineering reception) Contact Jordan.k.lewis@live.com Rugby Club training: Thursdays, 17:00, QBE Stadium, Domain 2. For more info, check out www.facebook.com/groups/ MasseyUniRugby/ . Tennis Club: Wednesdays, 12:0014:00, Tennis Northern, Oteha Valley Road Extension. Contact Mua.tennis@gmail.com for more information. Volleyball Club: Sundays, 12:30 – 14:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall

MANAWATU CAMPUS Clubs Day 2: 15 July, 11am-2pm on the Concourse (MUSA Lounge & Dining Hall if rainy). Clubs, societies, associations any kind of group you might want to join, MUSA, unions, parties, vendors will be there. Find the one for you. Win prizes, get freebies! Westpac sign up for CASC groups: 20/22/24 July, 11am-2pm in the MUSA offices , upstairs in the Student Centre CASC Development Workshop 2: 21 July, 5 to 2:30 in the MUSA Lounge. For all CASC group executives and students interested in forming a club: planning for functional succession, how to deal with finances and more. Register interest by 17 July: clubs@musa.org.nz MidWeek Market: 22 July, 11 am-2pm on the Concourse. CASC Meeting 1: 28 July, 4 to 5:30 pm in the MUSA Lounge. Cultural associations, societies and sport clubs’ opportunity to feedback concerns and issues to MUSA. Information sharing and event planning. Afternoon tea catered. CASC Meeting 2: 29 July, 6:30to 8 pm in the MUSA Lounge. Repeat of yesterday’s session for groups who couldn’t make the earlier date. Light dinner catered. Swimming Club: Saturdays, 13:00-15:00. Lido Aquatic Centre. Contact muswimclub@gmail.com for details.

Christmas Cookie Sellers – Summer – Nationwide Dreaming of the best holiday ever, when you should be studying? Set yourself up for summer by applying for Cookie Time Christmas Cookies. Work hard until Christmas, earn stacks of cash, and get the rest of summer off! On average sellers earn $8000 for 7 weeks work! Apply on the SJS website using one of the job numbers below. Application closing date: 24/07/15 Upper North Island job number: 103655231 Lower North Island job number: 103655214 South Island job number: 103655219

WELLINGTON LOCAL NEWS MASSEY TAKES OVER STUDENT SERVICES The Student Services Trust (SST) has ceased trading, and on July 1, 2015, its trading entities became units of the Massey University Wellington Campus. The SST was established in 1975, by the Wellington Polytechnic. Massey University amalgamated with the Wellington Polytechnic in 1999, and therefore inherited the arrangement. The SST previously governed and managed the MAWSA Trust, Student Entertainment Limited and Creative Hospitality Limited. The changeover means that Massey University is now responsible for the supply of student services, such as the student health and counselling service, the student common rooms, the gym and other recreation services, and the café and catering services. These services are now headed by Massey’s commercial operations manager Denis Jenkins, and managed by Wellington campus operations manager Amy Heise. According to Massey University

communications director, James Gardiner, SST’s contract being due to expire at the end of this year, provoked a discussion to occur regarding the future of the trust. “The trust chair had advised Massey that the current model was no longer viable and recommended the trust be wound up. The university agreed. Its Senior Leadership Team approved a decision to deliver these important services in-house.” Gardiner says that the recent transition has received positive feedback from students, as well as the staff that have moved from being employed by the trust to being Massey employees. According to MAWSA student president, Tom Pringle, aside from the changes in previous SST staff’s contracts, the changes won’t affect students too much. “The services offered to students won’t change too much, but now, with the Massey managing the student services, there is a greater chance for development, and for the

services to become more student-centric in the coming years.” Gardiner echoes this statement, saying that transitioning the services in-house provides Massey with more opportunity to integrate services. He says that there will be a particular focus on student health and counselling services. He also says that Massey hopes to “increase our focus on the student experience with an increased focus on student community responsibility”. “It’s also expected that by bringing these services in-house, students will have a wider opportunity to further shape what they look like, through regular meetings with student representatives, including MAWSA (which supported the transition), student advocates, and the Student Engagement Forum held each semester.” So, students, you can now voice your opinion about the price of the on-campus food options, and Massey may actually be able to make a change.

WELLINGTON LOCAL NEWS BALLS FOR ALL PROVING POPULAR Tickets to the three MAWSA balls, coming up on July 24, 25, and 28, at the Macs Function Centre, are flying out the door. According to MAWSA events coordinator, Holly Dodson, about 40% of tickets have sold within the first four weeks. She does say, however, “I’m expecting most of the tickets to be snapped up in the last week of selling, because students do almost everything last minute.” Dodson thinks there has been such a hype surrounding the events because this year is the first in about 20 years that MAWSA has hosted balls that are open to the entire student population. In the past there have been balls that are run with Victoria University Students’ Association, or balls that are run by clubs or societies for people with specific interests, but none in recent times where all of Massey is invited. Dodson puts this down to the fact that “we haven’t had an organisation before that is strictly dedicated to events.” The MAWSA Events Committee was formed at the beginning of this year, and while they’ve already organised other events, such as the White Out party, the balls are their key focus for 2015. The ball on July 24 is open to all first-year students, the ball on July 25 is open to all COCA students, and the ball on July 28 is open to all non-first year students who study outside of COCA. The balls have been split into three because the MAWSA Events Committee could not find a suitable location that was affordable, and could provide enough space for the entire student population. “Our balls are just too big for Wellington,” Dodson remarks. When asked why students should attend the ball, Dodson says “the Events Committee have been working very hard since the start of the year to make this a success, so we can guarantee that it’s going to be a ballin’ good time!” Third year graphic design student Maia

Visnovsky, is “frothing” for the ball, as she feels like she’s been putting up with having no balls for too long. “All of the other universities have annual balls, and I’d always wondered why we [Massey Wellington] didn’t. I’m glad it’s finally happening.” Tickets will be sold right up until the day for $40 each, and include free gourmet finger food. You can get amongst these balls by buying them online at mawsa.org.nz or pop into the MAWSA office. The Cube is subsidising its resident’s tickets, due to the activity fee, meaning they will only have to pay $30.

GOOD LOOKING WELLINGTON STUDENTS GRADUATE Massey University vice-chancellor, Steve Maharey, revealed that in his opinion, Wellington produced the best looking bunch of graduates this year. The 2015 Wellington graduation ceremonies were held on May 28 at the Michael Fowler Centre. Maharey told the crowd his opinion at his speech at the celebration to honour Maori and Pasifika students, which was held on May 29. He followed that statement by saying “don’t tell the other campuses”. Wellington turned on the sunshine for the 672 new graduates as they paraded from Parliament to Wellington’s Civic Square, where they released blue and yellow balloons into the sky. A few balloons got caught in the ‘Ferns’ sculpture on their way up. This could be seen as a representation of the obstacles that can get in the way as students battle their way through a degree. The 2015 Massey University graduation ceremonies were spread across three cities, and were made up of 14 ceremonies in total. According to Massey University chancellor, Chris Kelly, at the end of the year, there will be approximately 6000 new Massey graduates. One of these new graduates is Isabel Thorpe, who graduated with a Bachelor of Communications Degree, in Wellington.

She said the day was “awesome”, noting that the speech from comedian, broadcaster, and Massey alumnus, Jeremy Corbett, was definitely her highlight. Steve Maharey also commended the speech, saying on Twitter: “Jeremy Corbett’s speech to Massey Uni Wgn [Wellington] Graduation this afternoon was funny and smart. No wonder he is a Massey grad.” Thorpe also said it was “fantastic to see everyone’s family and friends calling out when their person went on stage, it made it really fun.” When asked how it feels to be a graduate she echoed the thoughts of many others, saying: “relieved, accomplished, but so goddamn broke!

Voluntary Collectors – One-off – Wellington CBD and Outer Regions The Heart Kids charity needs collectors to work on the 7th of August to raise money for children born with heart defects. Approximately 1 hours work involved to help this nationwide charity make a positive difference. Help support a great cause while also gaining great experience for your CV! Apply using the job number: 103613902 Application closing date: 31/07/15 Brand Ambassador/ Product Demonstrator – Casual – $20 to $25 per hour This exciting promotions agency is on the lookout for stellar Brand Ambassadors to create awareness, attention and sales leads. They work on everything from product launches, large scale New Year’s events and sports activations. Hours are flexible with the ability to work more over your holidays, and less around exam time. Apply using the job number: 103688752

AUCKLAND LOCAL NEWS BY JULIA BRAYBROOK

PEER MENTOR GROUPS FOCUS OF FORUM Accommodation and peer mentoring groups were the focus of the most recent Student Forum at the Auckland campus. The focus of the forum, according to Auckland campus registrar Andrea Davies, was how the Student Services Levy was “being invested and whether [students] think that we can do better”. A lack of funding for peer mentoring groups was among the issues raised at the forum, with one student asking whether funding could be returned to the groups, as “that was the best thing for students.” Kristin Hartnoll, the 2015 Albany Students’ Association (ASA) mature students’ representative, said that peer mentoring groups were a “huge, huge support.” “For me personally, being an older student, I haven’t come straight out of school...being able to go to those classes and having somebody take the time to sit a little bit more and work out, even how to work the calculator, was a real help.” Another student, who had been a peer mentor leader on an accounting paper for two semesters, said that “by doing [peer mentor groups] you see the difference between what students actually know and what they learn from it.” Acting student life coordinator, Kristina Montgomerie, added that “it’s really good value, like before exams and things, especially the second half of semester.” “You feel like you can talk to the students, like somebody who has done the paper, talk to them differently than a lecturer.” Andrea Davies said that the forum was “brilliant, the best ever”. She added that “I think that [students are]

happy with where the investment is at the moment and it’s obvious that peer mentoring is a real issue for them and that’s something that I’ll be taking up with others, so I was really pleased, thrilled.” 2015 ASA president Byron Brooks said that he thought that “there was a good engagement for the forum.” “There was a good diversity among students and hopefully all issues can be resolved.” He added that “a number of excellent issues were raised,” which the ASA would be working with the university to resolve. He also said that students who had late or forgotten issues were encouraged to visit the ASA office.

SPIRITUALITY WEEK COMES TO CAMPUS Spirituality Week was on at the Auckland campus from May 4 to May 8. The week-long event was run by the Auckland campus Chaplaincy team, and included forums on topics including “What has God got to do with it?” and “Embracing the World”. According to Jill Shaw, part of Auckland’s Chaplaincy team, a diverse range of religions including Atheist, Baha’i, Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Quaker, and Mormon groups, as well as publishers and broadcasters, were among those who brought perspectives to Spirituality Week. Shaw said that “Auckland is among the most culturally, and therefore spiritually, diverse cities in the world” and that “one of the goals of Spirituality Week is to acknowledge that.” “Immigrants bring their faith with them

and educated professionals entering business, health professions, technical and scientific fields must take that into consideration. At the very least, your colleagues will be from different countries and faith traditions. Your customers and clientele definitely will be. It pays, literally, to pay attention to spirituality.” She added that “while the commercial side of spirituality isn’t the highest of agendas, managing diversity of all kinds is necessary and important; that includes spiritual diversity.” As part of Spirituality Week, Shaw said that there were conversations “around the difference between and the overlap of spirituality and religion.” “Many definitions have been put forward by scholars. Religion is often thought of as practices and systems, while spirituality may be less easy to nail down. Spirituality is often found within religion, but is not bound by religion.” She added that “many New Zealanders would say they are spiritual but not religious.” She added “students and staff at Massey are more than eating, drinking, thinking machines.” “Chaplaincy Services provides spiritual support, in good times and bad, for our Massey community. We prefer not only to be called when tragedy strikes, but are happy to respond whenever needed. Chaplains work together with Health & Counselling and all the student support services for the success and wellbeing of students.”

WAIKATO INVITATIONAL BACK FOR 2015 The Waikato Invitational is coming up on August 14. The sports tournament, which is sponsored by the Waikato Student Union (WSU), “aims to provide University of Waikato students as well as students from other Northern Tertiary institutes an opportunity to compete against each other and represent their university in a one day competitive sporting competition,” according to the University of Waikato website. Auckland clubs and activities coordinator, Marusa Pogacnik, said in an earlier interview that there had been more student interest in the tournament, than there had been for the recent Northern Tertiary Challenge. “We’ve had quite a bit more interest for the Waikato Invitational and I wonder if that’s because it’s more of a going away trip, because the Northern Tertiary Challenge was just in Henderson, so while it was a tournament it was still really close by, so I think the Waikato Invitational will bring that extra little excitement in because it’s a trip away.” She said she also hoped that feedback from the students who took part in the Northern Tertiary Challenge “which will be that it was really fun” would mean that “more students will want to come to Waikato Invitational with us”. Sports involved in the event included ultimate frisbee, lacrosse, netball, touch, volleyball, football, hockey, and basketball. All teams were mixed and could have a maximum of 12 players. With most teams, a minimum of two females on court at all times were required, with the exception of netball, which had a maximum of “[two] males on court

at any time and must play in different court sections,” according to the Albany Students’ Association (ASA) website. Team registration is due on July 24, with “people of all sports ability welcome,” according to the ASA website. Those interested in playing for Team Albany could contact Marusa Pogacnik.

SEEKING: STUDENTS UP FOR A CHALLENGE The Albany Students’ Association (ASA) is looking for students to take part in University Challenge. 2015 ASA president Byron Brooks, said that they were looking for “any student who is interested in partaking” in the Challenge. Students could expect “an all-expenses paid week of fun, meeting new people, tough challenges and new experiences”. Brooks added that University Challenge, which runs from August 24 to August 29 and would eventually be broadcast on national TV, was “a huge opportunity to represent Massey, have amazing fun, put something on your CV, and make new life-long friends.” He said that for students interested, the ASA would be running a quiz to select team members from the Auckland campus. Students would also be selected from Massey’s Manawatu and Wellington campuses. Other universities taking part in this year’s tournament include the University of Auckland, the University of Otago, Victoria University, and AUT, according to a post on the University Challenge Facebook page. While Massey’s team made it to the seventh round of last year’s tournament, Brooks said that this year they were hoping to win. The University of Canterbury won

last year’s Challenge, which was broadcast on Prime in November. The University of Auckland, who beat Massey in the seventh round, came second. Originally produced by TVNZ, University Challenge ran from 1976 to 1989. After a 25 year absence, the quiz programme was rebooted in 2014, and was hosted by Tom Conroy. Students interested in being part of Massey’s team should contact Byron Brooks at president@asa.ac.nz.

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MANAWATU LOCAL NEWS BY CARWYN WALSH

GAY PRIDE CELEBRATED ON CAMPUS During the last week of May, a series of events was held on the Manawatuū campus in an effort to raise awareness of issues facing the gay community. The events were organised by UniQ - a recreational group for LGBT and queer-friendly students in Palmerston North. The group’s co-ordinator Seth Winn, a 32-year-old former graphics student, helped organise the event and also helped explain the rationale behind it all. Homophobia and discrimination are getting better, according to Winn, but the week was about “highlighting issues like homophobia and making the gay community more visible”. Winn and fellow UniQ members manned a stall on the concourse and gave lucky passers-by free balloons, information packs and, if they were especially lucky, a free chocolate fish. The stall also had a bubblemachine that spewed bubbles across the campus to brighten up the gloomy weather that coincided with the week. Unfortunately, many of the UniQ members had, at some stage, suffered homophobic slurs while living in Palmerston North. “Every city has progress to make”, said Winn. Gareth Higgs, a 23-year-old genetics and micro-biology student, sheltered from the cold inside the MUSA Lounge, where a series of educational videos and informal talks took place during the week. According to Higgs, “university is a great place to come out.” While Higgs believes universities are generally pretty liberal-minded places, this did not stop an unsavoury incident a couple of years ago when UniQ members taking part in Clubs Day were subjected to a random torrent of homophobic abuse. Luckily this incident appeared to be an isolated case, with no members of UniQ suffering any similar abuse during the week. Higgs’ efforts were aimed around educating students, not only about issues such as homophobia, but also about what UniQ can

offer in terms of support. “Basically, we want to educate people on why it’s okay to be out, and what resources are available to people questioning their sexuality and gender.” UniQ currently has approximately 80 members. It aims to be more of a recreational group than a political organisation, hence their love of toasting marshmallows and watching tragic 80s films when they get together. They meet every Tuesday at 7pm on the top floor of Square Edge and, from next semester, Higgs will be hosting weekly lunchtime gatherings in the MUSA offices every Wednesday. Anyone struggling with their sexuality is especially welcome, as they will meet sympathetic new friends who know what they are going through.

WILD WEATHER CAUSES FLOODING The student holidays got off to a wet start in Palmerston North, with 24 hours of sustained heavy rain causing widespread flooding. A State of Emergency was declared in neighbouring Whanganui and the Rangitikei district as a result of the flooding. Roads out of Palmerston North were closed as early as Saturday morning, due to slips. The Pahiatua Track, sections of State Highway 1 and the Gorge Road all remained closed late on Sunday afternoon. Feilding was particularly affected by the rain with many residents spending their Sundays mopping up silt and sludge off of their properties. In Palmerston North itself, the 24 hours of rain made many areas of the city no-go zones for cars. The area immediately off Pioneer Highway suffered heavy flooding due to swollen neighbouring streams and overflowing drains. Three flatmates, Kai, Matt, and Kristyn, live in the area and had their power switched off late on Saturday evening. The three awoke on Sunday morning to the novel sight of children floating past their

home on air-mattresses. It was not all light-hearted, however, with the three, despite repeated phone calls, still without power on Sunday afternoon. The three still had the use of gas but were unable to use their shower and were beginning to worry about the two weeks’ worth of groceries in their freezer. Most sport, with the exception of senior rugby, was called off. Senior rugby players were, in many instances, given the opportunity to abandon play mid-way through their games. The players, however, decided to soldier on and complete games on heavily flooded fields across the city. The flooding produced a very modern response, with social media abuzz with photos of the flooding being uploaded by many users. Manawatu Floods 2015 sprung up instantly on Facebook and had, as of Sunday afternoon, over 8,300 members. The page acted as a co-ordination hub for volunteers to help with the clean-up. It also helped co-ordinate a food centre in Awapuni. Aroha Food, Pioneer New World, ATP Fitness Club, and Rural Fuel were thanked publically on the page for donating ingredients and their time to the centre.

WELL-BEING ENCOURAGED AT HAUORA DAY Blustery conditions couldn’t stop the annual Hauora Day from being held on the Manawatu concourse on May 13. The MUSA organised event is used as an educational day for students to learn more about the various ways they can look after their own personal well-being. Students were spoilt for choice with an eclectic mix of activities, organisations, and performances all on display. It is estimated that nearly 15 percent of New Zealand youth suffer from some form of mental illness, so a particular focus of the day was educating students about the services available to them should they find themselves feeling unwell.

Statistics show that young Maori are far more likely to take their own lives than other groups in New Zealand, so Whakapai Hauora – an organisation that specialises in helping young Maori – were there spreading a message of suicide prevention. They were joined by Leva, a Pasifika group with a similar focus, and student-counselling services provided by the university. The Muslim, Christian and Hindu student organisations all shared a space to promote spiritual well-being. Any concerns over potential sectarian strife proved ridiculous with a peaceful vibe of cooperation and love evident between the three groups. The Massey Muslim Society won over many a heart and mind with free dates (the palm variety) and free henna painting for passersby. Justine Saunders and her team from the Recreation Centre rounded off the organisations promoting well-being. Huddled beneath their gazebo, they promoted the benefits of physical exercise as a way of helping personal well-being. Flax-weaving, board-game playing, and stress-ball making were three activities students were encouraged to partake in. All three proved reasonably popular and judging by the relaxed atmosphere, highly therapeutic. Yoga mats were unfurled in the MUSA Lounge and a group of students were put through their paces by a smiling instructor who had their bodies contorting into all manner of unnatural positions. A Pasifika dance group performed to conclude proceedings. Preceding them, IPC’s Kodama drum team put on a stirring display of rhythmic racket-making. The wind caused some mayhem, with gazebos sliding and displays falling. Tragically, a glass truffle-container full of condoms didn’t survive the day, smashing onto the ground amidst many anguished screams. Aside from that calamity, the event succeeded in promoting the many ways students can look after themselves and their overall well-being.

STUDENTS ASK FOR MORE SERVICES On May 20, Massey University authorities and MUSA met with students for a Student Engagement Forum. The meeting was held in the MUSA Lounge and was well attended, with over 30 students showing up for the event. Campus registrar Dr. Sandi Shillington got the event under way, introducing the many university service dignitaries in attendance. Following these introductions, Shillington spoke about the online consultation process that had just concluded between students and the university. Shillington was impressed with the high number of submissions made by students. They included a demand for outdoor yoga classes, an accounting expo, a campus pharmacy, and a swimming pool. Although all of the student submissions were personally addressed online, Shillington took the time to address some of the more popular demands during the forum. Unfortunately, both the campus swimming pool and pharmacy ideas were not feasible under current circumstances, according to Shillington. The annual student levy budget for last year was over $7,500,000; Shillington said that this year the university had earmarked over $8,000,000 for student services. Following her opening address, complimented slickly by PowerPoint technology, Shillington handed the microphone over to MUSA manager Craig Black. Black began his speech by informing the audience that the voguish shirt he was attired in was purchased online. Having reassured the crowd with that revelation, Black went on to demand that students “don’t be passive consumers” in how their university is run. Following Black’s speech, the floor was handed over for students in attendance to raise any concerns they may have. One student voraciously demanded greater food options for vegetarian students. A 60-year-old student asked what more

could be done for mature students. A major issue brought up was how both MUSA and the university could do a lot more advertising of the available student services, especially the free flu shot available every year. On this issue, Shillington confessed, “I’m a big fan of chalking.” Shillington then broke up the meeting by inviting attendants to stay for an impromptu chat and free sandwich. “I hope they’re vegetarian”, Shillington quipped. Any students with issues they wish to raise are invited to get in touch with the university by emailing Bengu Korkut-Yelcin at B.Korkut-Yalcin@massey.ac.nz. Otherwise, they can always visit the MUSA offices just off the concourse.

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BUDGET 2015 : STUDENTS SHAFTED AGAIN STUDENTS ARE NOT KNOWN TO LIVE LAVISH LIFESTYLES, AND WITH THE CURRENT SUPPORT THEY RECEIVE FROM THE GOVERNMENT, IT’S NO SURPRISE. JULIA BRAYBROOK DISCUSSES THIS YEAR’S BUDGET, AND WHAT IT MEANS FOR STUDENTS.

Another year, another Budget. Historically, students haven’t fared too well at Budget time, with increasing cuts and limits on tertiary funding. Since the ‘Mother of all Budgets’ passed in 1991, university students have been dealt a rough hand of student loans, fee increases, and rising living costs, with not a whole lot of financial support. So has anything changed, and more importantly, what needs to change? University fees were first introduced by Labour in 1989, costing students around $129. However, these fees were covered for the majority of students by their living grant, and student allowance was virtually universal. However, things went a bit downhill from here on in. The next year, the same government introduced a flat tuition rate of $1250 per year, increasing fees by 969 per cent in one year. The rest of the ‘90s followed the same pattern, with the National government allowing universities to set their own fees in 1991, while reducing funding at the same time. They also introduced the Student Loan Scheme in 1992, meaning students had to pay a seven per cent increase even while studying. Thankfully, interest free student loans became a thing in 2000, and tuition fees were frozen the year after, although in 2003, the three per cent fee cap was introduced. Tertiary education continued to be left behind in following budgets, with the most recent cut

being in 2010, with National limiting student loans to a maximum of seven years in one student’s lifetime, leaving PhD students unable to self-fund their study. So with a somewhat disappointing history, how does the 2015 Budget measure up? This year’s Budget sees tertiary education getting an extra $112.3 million of “operating funding over four years”, as well as $1 million invested in “knowledge and skills to grow New Zealand’s economy,” according to the New Zealand Government website. This funding aims to address underfunded areas, with science getting a 7.5 per cent increase in funding and degrees such as agriculture and optometry getting a 20 per cent increase. $11.4 million of this Budget will also aim to increase the number of engineering graduates over four years. While this is good news for those going into STEM-based degrees, when it comes to financial support for students, this ‘Robin Hood budget’ didn’t quite meet expectations. In a post on the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA), president Rory McCourt said that “after seven long years of cuts to student support and underfunding of our universities and polytechnics I wouldn’t be surprised if we see more of the same.” He added that students have “felt seven years of pain.”

“Where’s the gain? Where’s the break? Where’s the plan for more opportunity, not less? I think New Zealanders deserve to know why their kids have never had it so tough in tertiary education.” In a media release, 2015 Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association president Rick Zwaan, said the budget was “a bleak one for students and the tertiary sector.” “While [Tertiary education, skills and employment minister Steven Joyce’s] pets receive the cream of the crop, students are expected to continue to living on the scraps thrown under the table, with a cut to spending on student allowances, and a measly increase to student loans.” He added that “actual spending on student allowances has dropped again – from $539m last year to $520m this year – while students continue to struggle to cover basic living expenses.” While student allowances for students with children would increase by $25 per week, benefiting about 9000 families, the current parental income threshold of $55,027.96 would remain frozen until March 2019. According to the New Zealand Government’s website, this meant that assistance would “better target” those who needed it most, especially students from low-income families. However, according to a post on the NZUSA website, which “represents the interests of

New Zealand’s 400,000 tertiary students”, this meant that “up to 4,000 students will miss out on their allowances by 2019.” The post added that “we think everyone should get an allowance.” “No other group in our society has to borrow to live. These cuts will mean even more of us have to borrow, and student debt is already $14 billion.” The frozen threshold followed a 90 cent increase to student allowances and living costs in April, which was “slammed” by the NZUSA. In a post on the NZUSA website, president Rory Court said that the “piddly increase doesn’t even go halfway in paying for the kind of rent rises we’re seeing in Auckland, Christchurch, and actually all across the country.” He added in the post that “if you’re a student, rent now gobbles up 70 percent of your income. Only a few years ago that was a third, with some left over at the end of the week. Such sharp rent rises mean less money for basics like food and power.” And while there were smaller fee increases on the horizon, it still didn’t quite make the cut. On the government website, an annual

maximum fee movement of 3 per cent for next year would be subject to public consultation in June. This fee increase would regulate “the amount by which tertiary education providers can increase their fees each year”, which had previously been 4 per cent. Steven Joyce said on the website that this would “reduce fee increases for students and respond to historically low inflation, which has slowed cost increases for tertiary providers.” However, a press release from New Zealand First’s deputy leader and education spokesperson Tracey Martin, said that “this is still a huge cost to students, as institutions will raise fees by the maximum amount.” She added in the release that “young New Zealanders now start their adult life on the back foot, facing the reality of low wages, high rents and house prices, and owing a significant amount of money for their education.” Martin also said that “it’s time National gave students a fair go and set them up for a positive future, rather than the current bleak outlook, involving thousands of dollars of debt. The 2015 Budget has given the education sector as a whole, little to celebrate.” NZUSA president Rory McCourt agreed, in

an article in The New Zealand Herald, saying that it was a “paltry amount” as the amount of money students would save was nothing compared to rapidly rising living costs. “Fees will increase fractionally more slowly, but students will clock up bigger debts, getting educations from institutions with less money to spend on quality.” Tertiary Education Union (TEU) national president Sandra Grey, said in a Voxy article that “slightly slower fee rises are no good if the government does not put in money to reduce the financial pressure on tertiary institutions.” She added that “students should never have been bankrolling government underfunding with fee rises year after year of 4 per cent. And they should not be bankrolling that underfunding with annual fee rises of 3 percent either.” Universities were also feeling the pressure, with University of Auckland vice-chancellor Stuart McCutcheon saying in The New Zealand Herald that underfunding meant that tertiary institutions had no choice but to increase fees by the maximum allowable amount. While, according to Steven Joyce, the

“WHEN IT COMES TO FINANCIAL SUPPORT FOR STUDENTS, THIS ‘ROBIN HOOD BUDGET’ DIDN’T QUITE MEET EXPECTATIONS.”

government was aiming to strike a balance between maintaining quality while keeping education affordable for students, an NZUSA Budget wish list released to Fairfax media shows that what students want, and more importantly need, is more financial support. Here’s hoping for it in next year’s Budget. NZUSA Wish List: 1. Restore postgraduate allowances. The cut hasn’t saved money, but it has hurt the students who should be supported. The number of postgrad students taking on debt to pay the rent has shot up by 32.62% since the change. 2. Introduce a universal housing grant in cities where weekly rent is gobbling up more than 70% of student income. 3. Begin adequately funding universities and polytechnics so that they stop passing cost rises onto students. 4. Scrap the unfair 12c repayment rate that kicks in at $19,800. Replace it with an Australian-style progressive repayment system so those that can pay, do, and those that can’t can have enough take home pay to survive. 5. Introduce a $10,000 national First in Family Scholarship. To break the cycle of

the poverty of opportunity and encourage students from families with no history of degree level study to participate in degreelevel tertiary education. It’s the cheapest way of ensuring rising levels of participation in the transformative experience of tertiary education. Good for students, even better for under-represented communities. 6. Lift the course related costs loan cap (frozen since 1993) to $10,000 for first-year students and $3,000 for other students. Students are getting into bank and credit card debt just to pay for basics like upfront hall costs and art supplies. It’s about access. 7. Restore full access for over-40s to the student allowance, and access to allowances and loans for over-65s. This is age discrimination and may be illegal under the UN Human Rights Convention. 8. Restore the national significance exceptions to the 200-week limit on student allowances, by restoring a category of qualifications of national significance where students could have access to further years of allowances based on the qualification sought. Cutting this has hit medical students hardest, who take longer than six years to complete their degree. They shouldn’t have the rug

pulled from under them when still completing their first degree. 9. Begin to lift the parental income threshold again (frozen since 2008) so that more students, not less, can receive student allowances. Since 2012 there has been a 20 per cent reduction in the number of students eligible for allowances. 10. Stop shafting students, please.

STUDENT FLATTERS: FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS WITH MANY STUDENTS TOO NERVOUS TO APPROACH THEIR LANDLORDS, CARWYN WALSH SHARES SOME SUCCESS STORIES, WITH THE AIM OF INSPIRING OTHER STUDENTS TO STAND UP AND FIGHT BACK AGAINST DODGY LANDLORDS.

New Zealand, according to the popular narrative, is a nation of home owners. Home ownership is something deeply ingrained into the New Zealand psyche – something seen as a birth right for every bona fide aspirational Kiwi. For those still lapping up this story, renting is an indignity – an insult to everything it is to be a New Zealander. For students, however, this ‘indignity’ is an unavoidable reality. Unless you’re lucky enough to have parents that are flush with cash and generous enough to buy you your own home while you study, every student will have to face the reality of renting. In Auckland alone, over 50,000 students enter the city every year looking for a rental property. The rental industry is a big business. Like every business, its overall aim is to make a profit. Students are a huge profit-making asset for the landlords and property managers of New Zealand’s rental industry. However, despite filling out the bottom of the property triangle, student tenants still have protections and rights under the law that guarantee fair and decent treatment. Honouring their end of the bargain is

something most honest, law-abiding landlords and property managers try their best to dutifully fulfil. Regardless of the law, there are, unfortunately, still landlords and property managers that possess all the indecency and crookery of a Charles Dickens’ villain. Matt, an ex-student of Palmerston North, had a brush with this kind of crookery himself when he and his flatmates were forced to battle their property manager through the Tenancy Tribunal in 2014. It all started with a 15-year-old shower door that Matt inadvertently broke the knob off following his morning rinse. Matt immediately offered to pay for a new knob and his property manager accepted his overtures. However, this innocent mishap started off a chain of events that ended with Matt and his flatmates appearing in a courtroom like claimants in a particularly tragic episode of Judge Judy. After vacating the property, Matt and his flatmates were urged to sign what was described by their property manager as a ‘standard bond-release form’. Only after being rushed through this signing process did Matt and his flatmates learn the truth of what they had just agreed to. They

were informed that the fixing of the shower, something the property manager reminded them that Matt had agreed to pay for, cost, in total, over $830 and was coming straight from their bond. The property manager had not just replaced a doorknob; they had instead replaced the entire exterior of the shower. Gone were the 15-year-old plastic walls, in their place were new glass panels and a stainless steel handle. This left Matt and his flatmates feeling a little bit more than miffed. Together, they decided to fight back and lodged a claim with the Tenancy Tribunal. Months later, they appeared in their local court against their property manager and fought to get their bond back. In court, their property manager underlined how they had agreed to pay for all that was damaged and attempted to blacken their reputation before the judge, saying they “lived like pigs”. Matt and his flatmates argued that they were not adequately informed over what they had signed and produced witness statements that corroborated their claim that, despite the opinion of their property manager, they were, in fact, reasonable and tidy tenants. They also detailed the many faulty electrical connections throughout the house and how, despite their

repeated requests, these were only belatedly seen to months after the initial complaints about them. The judge ruled in favour of Matt and his flatmates, awarding them not only their bond back but an additional $200 for the property manager’s “failure to maintain” the property. “It was a hard lesson to learn”, says Matt. Despite the hours of preparation that their case took, Matt and his flatmates are pleased that they put in the effort to right an obvious wrong. “We’re glad that we stood up for ourselves and went through the court process. I’d recommend that anyone facing a similar situation do the same.” Similarly, Tom from Wellington decided upon the court process when he came up against a property management company determined to fleece him and his flatmates. Tom and his flatmates moved into an apartment run by a well-known property management company. Things between Tom and the property manager turned sour pretty quickly. When they moved in, the apartment was strewn with cigarette packets and general waste. On top of this, the keys issued to them did not fit the locks; when they asked for replacements, the

property manager tried to charge him and his flatmates for them. Things really got ugly following a party hosted at the flat. A few friends popped over and, on their way out, one lost their footing and accidentally set off the apartment complex’s fire alarm with their flailing hand. The fire alarm that had been set off was missing its break glass covering, hence its accidental triggering. The flatmates and party-goers waited for the fire service and told them what had occurred. The fire service arrived and, because of protocol, issued the landlord with a $2000 callout fee. This fee was scrubbed after the fire service agreed that the fire alarms in the complex were faulty and inadequately maintained. This should have been the end of the affair; however, the property manager decided to invoice the flatmates for another $400 callout fee because their own private alarm company had to respond to the accidental triggering as well. The flatmates were not having it, and over the following months sent a flurry of letters to the property company. In their letters, the flatmates reiterated the position of the fire

service, maintaining that the triggering of the alarm was due to the poor upkeep of the fire alarms and that the alarm system did not comply with “building safety requirements”. The property management company decided to take the matter before the Tenancy Tribunal. Upon arriving at court, the flatmates were astonished to discover that four other cases that day involved the very same company. Having done their homework, the flatmates put up a strong case. The judge ruled in their favour. They would not have to pay the $400, their full bond was to be returned and a further $28 of damages was awarded to them. Like Matt, Tom was delighted that their hard work and vigorous defence paid off. “Everyone was stoked. If we weren’t persistent, they would have got away with our money.” One gentleman who’s been through the Tenancy Tribunal more than most is Kevin Reilly of the Manawatū Tenants’ Union. Kevin was brought up in Belfast in a time when Catholics like him were deprived of even their most elementary of rights. Although he left Belfast as a teenager, Kevin has continued the fight against injustice for over 30 years,

“HOWEVER, THIS INNOCENT MISHAP STARTED OFF A CHAIN OF EVENTS THAT ENDED WITH MATT AND HIS FLATMATES APPEARING IN A COURTROOM LIKE CLAIMANTS IN A PARTICULARLY TRAGIC EPISODE OF JUDGE JUDY.”

battling on behalf of the underdog and tenants throughout the Manawatu. In this time, Kevin estimates that he has “represented thousands of students”. Kevin is of the opinion that many property managers and landlords take advantage of students, knowing that many cannot be bothered with the court process and will count their losses and move on without a fight. Given his vast experience, Kevin has plenty of sage advice for student tenants dealing with troublesome landlords and property managers. Kevin believes that landlords are generally better to deal with than property managers. If a property manager is being negligent, Kevin advises tenants to look up the owner of their property, through their local rates office, and lodge a complaint with them. This, he says, is a great way to exert pressure on the property manager. The landlord is paying the property manager to do a job; if they themselves are getting calls from tenants, then clearly the property manager is not up to scratch. If maintenance issues are not being addressed in your dwelling, the last thing you should do, according to Kevin, is stop paying your rent. This will “give the landlord or

property manager oxygen” and, if rent is not paid for 21 days, they have the power, under the law, to evict you. The correct course of action, if unsatisfied, is to write directly to the property manager or landlord. Word your dissatisfaction strongly, and say that if the issue is not cleared up within 14 days, you will be lodging a complaint to the Tenancy Tribunal. Always date and keep a copy of all your correspondence and, if possible, track down a Justice of the Peace to sign all relevant documents. This is usually free and will give your letters a bit of official grunt. Kevin is at pains to point out that tenants only have a responsibility, when moving from their rental, to leave it in a similar condition to when they moved in. Professional carpet cleaning is often demanded of tenants at the end of their tenure. This, no matter what you might be told, is not necessary. Fair wear and tear is part and parcel of living in any home. Be sure to do a thorough walkthrough of the home when you first move in. Photograph any defects you come across and be sure to point them out to the property manager or landlord. That way, you cannot be blamed for them later. When moving in, try and bring friends and family with you to view the

property. Then, if necessary, you can call upon them for witness statements if you end up in at the Tenancy Tribunal. Finally, do not fear the Tenancy Tribunal process. Most cities have Tenants’ Unions like the one Kevin represents. They are only too happy to assist tenants through the process and their assistance is, conveniently for students, free of any charge. Lodging a complaint against your landlord or a property management firm does cost $20; but, more often than not, if you win, this fee will be charged to them. Matt and Tom’s stories are echoed in many other cases of students deciding to fight back against unjust landlords and property managers. It would be tempting to finish with a timeless revolutionary quote to further inspire other student tenants to do the same. Rather than do that, the simple wisdom of long-term tenant advocate Kevin Reilly will suffice… “Stand up for yourselves. Be counted. It’s your money.”

GEOCACHING: THE ULTIMATE TREASURE HUNT ESSENTIALLY, IT’S A TREASURE HUNT FOR THE BIG KIDS. JULIA BRAYBROOK SEEKS TO FIND OUT ALL ABOUT GEOCACHING, AND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE ARE HOOKED.

I’m not gonna lie here, my Friday nights aren’t exactly what you’d call wild. Fat pants and binge watching The Bachelorette is more my jam than going to town when it feels like it’s hitting sub-zero temperatures outside. And while that isn’t quite as exciting as Fridays are for other people, I did feel like I was hitting a new low when it came to looking up geocaches near my home. Now, with this “real-world treasure hunt” attracting over six million geocachers around the world, clearly it’s a trend that’s picked up fast. And I’ll admit, I was surprised by just how many geocaches were within walking distance of my home. Still, to me, geocaching was squarely in the realm of the middle-aged dad, which couldn’t be further from my own demographic. So, while I was a bit reluctant to spend my weekend hunting down these caches in the name of this feature, I was banking on it being, well, a lot easier than it was. Geocaching has been around since 2000, and since then, players have been hiding objects, or ‘caches’, around the globe for people to track down through GPS from co-ordinates posted on the geocaching website. Once found, geocachers then sign the logbooks, with some caches containing

‘goodies,’ which can include anything from money to smiley-face stickers. If geocachers chose to take something from the cache, they are expected to swap it for something of equal value. While most caches are the original ‘traditional’ type, other types include: virtual caches, where it’s about finding a location instead of a container; multi caches, where two or more locations are needed to find the final, physical cache; mystery caches, where geocachers first need to solve puzzles in order to determine the correct coordinates. As described by an article in the Torquay Herald Express, it’s essentially “using multi-million pound technology to hunt for Tupperware in the woods”. But this is no Sunday school Easter egg hunt. It’s treasure hunting for the big kids, and it definitely made me feel like the new kid on the block. At least three of the caches closest to me had some form of warning to “show discretion” or “stealth required” in retrieving it. As someone who is both uncoordinated and not exactly keen to get into what could be an embarrassing situation, this wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It probably also didn’t help that we decided to hunt the caches down at night, but as douglapnz said on the

geocaching app: “You ain’t cached until you’ve cached in the dark.” The first cache that we tried to hunt down was at the beach, and while it was listed as only 1.5 difficulty, we didn’t manage to find it. We didn’t find the hint much help, and seeing as we were looking for an extra small cache, with only the torch from my phone for light, I wasn’t surprised at the result. Looking in bushes, however, did become the theme of the night, with all three of the geocaches we chose being buried under some form of vegetation. This is not a game for indoorlovers like myself – it involves getting on your hands and knees and having to rummage under pine needles and wet leaves and hoping to whoever is listening out there that whatever you felt run over your fingers won’t turn out to be a cockroach. While I was lucky enough to avoid any insect encounters, other geocachers weren’t so lucky. On the app, gernita writes that while they found the cache, they weren’t expecting “the hundreds of ants that were running all though! Cache went flying temporarily!!!!” Another user, kiwiscot19, had a similar experience with another cache: “Squeals of horror as kiwiscot’s novice friend to GCing picked up a piece of wood

which housed a rather large cockroach and offspring. As the piece of wood fell the cockroaches jumped on to the most immediate object – being the novice... Besides this we found the cache relatively quickly.” Bugs aside, geocaching is actually really quite hard. Respect to geocachers out there who manage to log multiple finds in a day, since we only found one of the three caches. According to the app, GPS is only accurate to within 30 feet of the cache and while it did come quite close to pinpointing the exact location of the cache, it’s not the most reliable method. When the GPS tells you you’re standing right on the cache, only to jump three metres to your left, tracking down the object becomes a lot harder. And when you’re looking for caches as small as a . 22 caliber shell, and in places that are both well-hidden and well covered, it’s more frustrating than fun. But while I might not be returning to this treasure hunt, there’s plenty lining up to take my place. With more than 6000 caches in New Zealand alone, ranging anywhere from cliff paths to mountains to straight letterboxes, and the leading geocacher having more than

5500 finds, it’s the treasure hunt that’s taken over the country. And when geocaching includes special features, like Geocoins, it’s easy to see why. Introduced shortly after geocaching began, in 2001, a Geocoin is “a special coin created by individuals or groups of geocachers as a kind of signature item or calling card,” according to the geocaching website. These coins are “assigned a unique tracking ID which allows them to travel from geocache to geocache or to be passed among friends, picking up stories along the way.” And they’re surprisingly popular. Near my home, there are currently ten geocoins, which have come from places as close as Whangarei to as far away as the Netherlands. One Geocoin’s description asks geocachers to bring the coin to Leicestershire in the UK, while another says “I would love to visit the Sydney Opera House in Australia...After that I would like to come back to Scotland.” But these coins, and their caches, while relatively harmless in New Zealand, have been have been a bit more controversial overseas. It’s pretty common for released Geocoins to go missing, either because new cachers aren’t familiar with them, or from the coins

being stolen. Geocacher, drimmuir, said in a forum post on the geocaching website that they were “not buying anymore geocoins or trackables, out of the small number I have every one of them has gone missing.” “One is with a 12-year-old in America whose log says “mine now”...others have all gone missing in short spaces of time, I’m afraid they all have personal stories attached to them and have a small sentimental value and I am fed up of people losing them.” Missing coins have become so common, that on another forum, a geocacher tells another member who had coins stolen to “join the club.” “If you’re a coin owner and have released any, you will have to suffer the loss of stolen or missing geocoins. It’s a fact of life. As many have said in the past: “if you can’t bear to lose geocoins don’t leave them out in the woods.” From illegally placed caches to bomb scares, the caches themselves are also causing some unexpected waves from what is essentially Tupperware hidden in the woods. Having once shut down Disneyland, the most recent bomb scare was in January this year, where a cache hidden in a tree in a children’s park was mistaken for a pipe bomb. Since it’s

“…IT’S ESSENTIALLY USING MULTI-MILLION POUND TECHNOLOGY TO HUNT FOR TUPPERWARE IN THE WOODS”.

creation, over 80 caches have been mistaken as security threats, according to a 2011 article in the International Business Times. These caches, according to the article have been “defused, shot at, x-rayed, blown up and have been responsible for numerous lock downs across the US, Europe, and Asia.” And with no regulation size or container type, there’s no guarantee for the public that the suspicious looking 200ml Sistema box just contains a peg and a few stickers, instead of a threat. There’s even a page on the geocaching website called “Bad Ideas, Bomb Scares, etc.” listing anything from caches placed without permission to a cache placed near the Los Angeles International Airport in 2009, which saw one geocacher “interviewed, arrested, and fined 10K.” And it’s not just the ones placing the caches who are getting in trouble. One 2012 entry from a private archery course in Northamptonshire in the UK, tells one geocacher’s experience trying to find a cache on the property: “I heard the sound of arrow hitting target very nearby (I was on the path too) I got within 120 feet of gz [Ground Zero – the location of the cache] when another archer appeared, he looked surprised to see me so I asked if it

was safe for me to be walking around, given there were men armed with cross bows in the woods, he said not, especially as I was walking in the opposite direction to the way the course is laid out.” Sometimes though, it’s the public causing trouble for the geocachers. ‘Muggles’, or nongeocachers, have been known to either move the cache from its original spot or remove it entirely. But the 2013 website, Muggled. net, took it a step further. Bearing the slogan, “muggle or be muggled – the choice is yours,” the site, which has since been taken down, encouraged members to find caches, sign the logbooks, and then steal the caches and their contents. According to a 2013 post on The Numbers blog, the rest was up to the members, with options including: “planting their own Muggled.net cache at GZ to alert the actual owner and subsequent finders of the theft; holding the original hide hostage, thereby forcing its placer to pay US$10 for its return; destroying the cache and posting photos of its demise online; taking ownership of that hide; or performing a “good deed” by returning the stolen haul.” However, even with these controversies, geocaching continues to gain popularity.

With the introduction of iOS and Android apps, and phones now having a generally reliable GPS, geocaching is now accessible to anyone who has Internet access and some time to kill.Whether this involves actually making a day of it or stumbling across one in the backstreets of your neighbourhood, it’s a treasure hunt that’s open to anyone. And who knows, you might even find one on campus.

BLUE PHOTOGRAPHY BY EVANGELINE DAVIS HUMAN BEING AS A WHOLE ~ BODY AND MIND UNITED

Our bodies are a natural form, caught in the constant pursuit of ideals of external beauty, composure, achievement, and fulfilment. It is my intention and desire to express a wholeness; seeking an internal imagery as a companion to the physical form in a particular manner, through controlled body language, the significance of colour, and art direction. The combination of natural elements and nakedness explores the interplay of mind and emotion with the shell that contains the soul. Art director - Evangeline Davis Photographer - Evangeline Davis Model - Samantha Vottari Make up artist - Elise MacMillan

Contentment

Calmness

Concentration

Control

THE MAGIC OF COSENTINO Australian celebrity magician, Cosentino, first discovered magic at the age of 12, when he borrowed a library book about famous magician and escape artist, Harry Houdini. And like the library book, which was never returned, Cosentino has never looked back. At only 32, he’s already made waves in the international magic community, with accomplishments such as 2011 Australia’s Got Talent runner up, Guinness World Record Holder, three times Australian Award Winning magician, plus a multi-award winner of the Merlin by the International Magician’s Society. He’s also made history, being the first magician in Australia to have his own television specials, which have since been viewed by over 6.1 million people. With such an impressive resume, Julia Braybrook caught up with him ahead of his “first ever spectacular live shows in New Zealand”. What can audiences expect from your new show? Yeah, Twisted Reality, it’s a mix of four different things: grand stage illusions; close up sleight of hand street magic, which is kind of projected onto these huge screens and filmed on camera; escapes that are deathdefying; and a lot of audience participation, so we get people up and we get them to choose numbers, we predict the future. It’s all interactive, so it’s not just like sitting there and observing, you actually get involved in the show. That’s what makes the show so dynamic, is their involvement, they create the shows as we go along. You said that Harry Houdini is one of your idols. How does it feel being compared to him? I think it’s an injustice to Harry Houdini, yeah [laughs]. Yeah, the papers have written that, “heir to Houdini”, it’s very flattering. Houdini, let’s put it in context, Houdini was the world’s first superstar. There were no celebrities

before Houdini in the 1900s, you know 1915, 1920. So he created the whole genre of being a superstar; he became a movie star, he became all these wonderful things and much bigger than we can possibly comprehend today. Like no one in comparison is as big as him, as he was back in his day. So, in context, if you make those comparisons to me, it’s like oh my gosh! It’s a huge honour and a lot to live up to. But thank you. You’ve had a few close calls in stunts. How does that feel knowing there’s potential for a trick to go wrong? Yeah, look, we make a really distinct line between ‘there’s magic’, ‘there’s illusions’, that’s fantasy, make believe. It’s like a blockbuster movie. But the escapes are real. No Hollywood fantasy, they’re real locks, real chains, real holding my breath. If it wasn’t real, all I can say is, I have no idea why my insurance is so high. With that being said, yeah I’ve had close calls. I’ve had ruptured ear drums doing underwater escapes, you know, being nicked by knives, 12 stitches in my chin, you know, seven in my forehead. Broken ribs, broken ankles. These are all side effects, I call them, of the job and things going wrong. You’re really walking a fine line. Very often when we do these escapes, they’re one-offs, like you don’t go back and redo it, like it’s literally, it’s been interesting for my TV show perspective, it’s like one shot, one opportunity. So sometimes we have, believe it or not, 16 Go-Pro cameras on me plus seven, you know, handheld man cameras, because that’s it, you’ve got one shot, not gonna redo it again, not gonna drop down 10 metres deep underwater, and what we get is what we get. So the danger is real. With that being said, you don’t go into an escape thinking that “oh gosh this is so dangerous, I’m going to, you know, literally injure myself and end up in the emergency room” which has happened, multiple times. You’ve got to go into it feeling

confident, and you do that by practicing, dotting all your I’s, crossing all your t’s, and feeling confident mentally and physically. Okay, what does that mean? Physically, if you’re doing an escape underwater, the fitter you are, the safer you’ll be, so the longer you can hold your breath, so if you talk about the motivation to run on a treadmill, you’re gonna keep running right? ‘Cause your life is literally, I mean literally in the balance. The longer you can hold your breath under that water, the safer you are. And so there’s a lot of training involved, especially when it comes up to a stunt we do a lot of training with the stunt, and a lot of training outside of it to get the cardiovascular system working and your mind to be confident. It’s really a mind game, it’s just repetition. Repeat, repeat until you become confident. It’s full on. It really is. It’s really full on. People don’t realise, you watch two minutes of an underwater escape, I do it on live television a lot in Australia, whether it’s in my TV shows or for a one-off spot. People go two minutes, they go “oh that was really good, that was really scary that was impressive”, but they don’t realise that was six months training for that two and half minutes. And it is dangerous to the point that things can go wrong, and yes you can be pulled out of a water tank. Using a water tank is a really good example because people can kind of relate very easily. But being pulled out of a water tank, being resuscitated, yes I can, but you know, people drown in 20 centimetres of water, like what they call shallow water blackout, where you literally black out under water. Once you do that you start to breathe, I mean when you breathe under water, what happens? You breathe in water. So things can, like if you have a shallow water blackout, no matter how quickly someone can get to you, you’ve blacked out under water. I mean, it’s bad enough people blacking out and falling on the floor. It’s dangerous, it’s risky.

What’s your most memorable experience performing so far? In performing so far? [pauses] You know what, a real big milestone for me was having my first television special. There’d never been an Australian magician before me that had a TV special, there hasn’t been one ever since me. That was a huge commercial breakthrough for my country, and I had dreamt about that since I was twelve years old, to have my own TV show. That was a pretty big milestone for me, and I feel for the magic community, I don’t even think the magic community realises quite yet what significance that is. But you know, as we reflect, people start to realise that. So I would say that, if I had to choose one, oh then again being runner up for the talent [Australia’s Got Talent] was pretty significant, pretty competitive, so there’s a few, but that one in particular, the TV special that I’m really proud of. You’re the first Australian to be awarded the International Magician of the Year in 2013. How did that feel for you? Once again, you’re being put in a category with brilliant entertainers – David Copperfield, Siegfried and Roy, Chris Haines. These guys are mega-stars, not just in magic but in entertainment, so being in that category is humbling and you know, performers always say that – ‘oh it’s so humbling’ – but it really is, because you’re in a special group, which is huge. That once again brings pressure, you think am I good enough, you know you’ve got to uphold a certain level, a certain standard. But it was very exciting, it was very humbling, it was you know what it was like a little tick of approval. Oh I’m honestly doing something good, something special, that’s how it felt, if I have to really kind of describe it to you. Like a nice big tick.

What’s next for you after your tour this year? Okay, so we did an Australian tour, 13 shows. We just did Singapore, we did Asia’s Got Talent as a guest artist in the final, and then we’re doing Bangkok Twisted Reality, New Zealand Twisted Reality, and then North America. Filming more TV shows at the end of the year, start of next year, and hopefully more touring throughout Asia. That’s in the short term, there’s quite a few things in the long term that have been planned already but I’m not allowed to talk about that. So yeah, that’s what’s next. Is there anything you’d like to accomplish in the future? Oh yeah, there’s heaps! Okay so personally, more TV specials, more touring, keep doing what I’m doing, you know the TV shows have aired in over 40 countries and I want to expand that – 80 countries. Put that to one side. For me, and honestly being really transparent, in the beginning it was about, and this is what it’s still about, making magic a real respected art form. When I started in Australia, it was sort of a bit like a cheap, bit kind of pokey, ‘oh, you’re a magician...’ That’s changed, that’s already changed, and I hope that continues to change, that it’s on the same level as, which I think it is now, as comedy, as acting, or ‘oh yeah, you’re a magician’. And when I grew up, as a kid people were like ‘... you’re a magician?’ like it was naff, like now it’s like ‘oh okay a magician.’ And I hope that makes the next generation, their lives much easier. They wouldn’t even realise that, they would even realise that when I grew up, you wouldn’t even say you were a magician. You’d say, ‘I’m a conjurer’ or ‘I’m an illusionist’ or ‘I’m an entertainer’. So, it’s just to continue to make that name magic, being a magician ,a success, making it viable for everybody to look at it and go ‘wow,’ you know, really to respect the art form. That’s what my overall goal is,

to have respect for my craft, and that’s what I constantly strive for, that I just want the same respect as other artists or other performers. And last question, is there a trick that you’d like to try that you haven’t done yet? Yeah, there’s a couple of dangerous stunts that I’ve been working on that haven’t really worked. You know we’re always coming up with crazy ideas and crazy stunts and illusions. If I have to pinpoint one in particular, there’s this one we’ve been working on called Snap Back. I was literally inside a small cage, some sandbags at the back of the cage and the cage snaps back in half. And I’m chained up spread-eagled, and I have to escape before it snaps in half [and breaks his back]. We’ve been working on it, it was going to be on our tour, it didn’t quite work out, we had to pull it out. So in the short term, that’s the latest piece that I’m working on, but there’s plenty of others. Do you have any final thoughts or comments you’d like to add? I’m excited to be here, I’m excited because TV shows came through and I’m now able to do my live touring and I mean it’s one thing to watch the TV shows, which are awesome, and to see it live is also a different thing. Because it’s very hard for you to diminish why I do live, like if I disappear in front of you, you can’t say, ‘oh that’s a camera trick,’ ‘oh those people were set up,’ because the person who came up on stage is your friend and I read their mind, or I disappeared and ended up next to you. So people have to check out the live show, because magic is meant to be performed live, it’s very potent when it’s performed live, so if I have to add anything it’s that. Come to see it live, and have fun. Twisted Reality is at The Civic, Auckland, on Sunday August 28, and at Wellington’s St James Theatre on Wednesday September 2.

TO READ THE FULL INTERVIEW VISIT MASSIVE.ORG.NZ

ALAN DAVIES: LITTLE VICTORIES You know him as the permanent panellist on the much loved TV series QI, and as the eponymous magician with an interest in solving crimes on Jonathan Creek, yet British comedian Alan Davies began his career in stand-up and it’s still the format he enjoys the most. Paul Berrington spoke to one of our favourite funny men ahead of his Little Victories shows in New Zealand during July. After an extended break from stand-up, in which he indulged in some of his other talents, Davies is back on stage and enthusiastic about his new material. “I had ten years not gigging, and I’d done a lot of acting during that time, got married and had my own kids and stuff, and when I got back into stand-up four years ago, I got the bug almost immediately, I had loads of new material to draw upon and had so there was a lot of new things to talk about”. That break has allowed Davies to draw on his personal experiences for Little Victories - a show that UK critics have described as deeply personal, and also incredibly funny. “The better stuff that I enjoy doing live is the personal stuff, its material that only I can do, it doesn’t belong to any other comedian, and it’s something that only makes sense if it comes from me”, suggests Davies. “It’s my family, my kids, my experiences, and I’m sure everyone has had their own experiences with raising children, or illness or bereavement, I mean I’m not peddling a misery memoir, I’m still trying to be as funny as I can, but I feel like I have more material I can call upon than when you’re twenty.”

Regular contestant and team captain on the long-running series QI, Davies is as recognisably important to the show’s success as host Stephen Fry. Watching the two interact together is surely one of the best things on TV right now. “I knew John Lloyd who created the show”, says Davies, “I’d been doing commercials for a bank which he directed and we got on pretty well, and he said he’d come up with an idea for a quiz show where you got points for being interesting, and asked ‘what do you think?’ and I said it sounds great, and so they decided to do a pilot of it, and got Stephen Fry in to host, and he had me in, and it was really his idea to have one regular contestant and team captain.” Those who watch QI will appreciate Davies’ ability to embrace the every-man, often positioning himself at the centre of the comedic elements, yet with a doctorate from Kent University, is he really that much of a simple bloke? “Oh well”, he laughs, “it’s an honorary doctorate you know, so it doesn’t really reflect much, but it was very nice to be awarded it by my old university, but above all I think the show is about having fun with the guests and enjoying the humour with whatever comes up, and making a mess of carefully researched questions, there’s a really smart group of people who work on QI, and that’s really fundamental to the whole thing, which we then mess about with and filter through Stephen, and the less I know about what’s happening the better it is.”

Davies has mixed feelings about his autobiographical work, My Favourite People and Me, which covers him at the age of 12 to his time at university. He confesses that many thought it was ghost-written, yet it did have its benefits. “It was more about being interested in how your interests change as you grow up”, he explains, “you read so many books and listen to so many records, go and see bands, whatever it is, and your tastes change so rapidly and you’re so exposed to so much new stuff, and many of my favourite movies and books came to me during that period, that was the sort of idea behind the book, and the good thing was we got to make a three-part TV series for Channel Four based on the book, where I got to meet quite a few of the people I wrote about.” For many years, Davies split his time between acting and comedy, appearing as the much loved title character in the mystery series Jonathan Creek, while still performing stand-up and appearing on QI. While the contrast is something he enjoys, he confesses there is only so much you can fit into life. “Yeah I really enjoy acting, and I do much less of it now, partly because I don’t have the opportunity, but mainly because I have children and a family now. My focus is more on stand-up, and if I do a stand-up tour in the UK, I can be out for three nights and at home the rest of time”, he explains, “and the same goes for QI where you make an episode in one night, whereas a shoot for Jonathan Creek might take six weeks.”

Davies stand-up humour is often based around observational comedy, something that might seem improvised in the moment, but generally takes shape as the show evolves. “Well once the show has been running a while it becomes fixed, especially a long show where you really need to remember what comes next, sometimes you think up a new line here and there, or you forget them, the thing is it’s never really scripted or learned, it’s more a set of stories that connect, so there is always an opportunity to add or change bits, but generally speaking once you’ve done it a few times it starts to settle down and become quite fixed. The interesting part is in the beginning when you’re telling stories and you’re not sure where they’ll go, or you’re making links that might change, but that time is a hairy time, and I’m going through a bit of that now planning for my next show.” Little Victories has been noted for its themes of sexual frustration, family life, and even Alzheimer’s, yet this isn’t necessarily calculated from Davies, and many critics have noted how this content has produced some of his funniest material yet. “It’s just what comes out, I write notes on things that I think are funny, that I’ve overheard or that I’ve remembered; stuff from my childhood and experiences from my own parenting, and those notes are accumulated over months, and when I come to put a new show together I order them and rearrange them - a work in progress that I decide is funny or not. And it’s only afterwards when it’s completed and you’re on tour that you

can look back, see what you were thinking about that year, and then the themes start to emerge, but there is no conscious decision on my part to choose to write about that subject or this subject, it really is just whatever I find amusing, and I try and tell the truth.” Davies has literally seen hundreds and hundreds of comedians over the years, and among his favourites are Irish legend Dave Allen and contemporaries Noel Fielding, Amy Schumer and Louis CK. Just like them, Davies has had his own share of good and bad experiences on stage. “One of my worst experiences was when I was starting, and you’re so into performing your own material that you don’t really know which gigs to pick or choose. I remember being in a place where the promoter had booked a couple of comedians but it was actually a disco. So, they turned the music off when everyone was dancing and then announced that there was going to be some comedy, that was pretty horrendous. But the best experiences are doing my own shows and everything gets on a roll. I’ve had some great shows at the Wellington Town Hall and the old theatre in Christchurch that got destroyed, over the years I’ve had some great gigs and absolutely loved it. On the Life is Pain tour I came back to the UK and recorded it, but I wish we’d done it in Wellington, and that’s actually what I’m doing this time around, we’re going to record the show in Wellington because it’s such a great venue and I have so much fun there.”

That exciting news is sure to please Wellington-based fans, but Davies clearly enjoys touring New Zealand, and is confident we’ll love the new show. “I hope people come out to the show, I know a lot of people will know me from QI or if not then maybe Jonathan Creek, if they’re not stand-up followers and even if they are stand-up followers, people might be wondering is he a stand-up? But this is my thing and it’s what I enjoy the most. I actually like catching the audience a bit unaware: they think it’s the bloke off QI and its not. The show is working really well and it’s been going down very well in the UK here, I’m looking forward to it, and it’s coming up on me quite soon actually. I’ve been doing TV work the last few weeks and here we are, going to New Zealand.”

ALAN DAVIES - LITTLE VICTORIES TOUR DATES: Palmerston North -Tuesday 21st July, Regent On Broadway; Napier - Wednesday 22nd July, Municipal Theatre; Hamilton - Thursday 23rd July, Founders Theatre; Auckland - Friday 24th July, Auckland Town Hall; Auckland - Saturday 25th July, Bruce Mason Centre; Dunedin - Monday 27th July, Regent Theatre; Queenstown - Tuesday 28th July, Memorial Centre; Invercargill - Wednesday 29th July, Civic Theatre; Christchurch - Friday 31st July, Horncastle Arena; Wellington - Saturday 1st August, Opera House; New Plymouth - Sunday 3rd August, TSB Theatre. To buy tickets, check out ticketmaster.co.nz.

MONTHLY MUSIC ROUND UP PAUL BERRINGTON

DONNIE TRUMPET & THE SOCIAL EXPERIMENT – SURF (SELF-RELEASED) It’s incredibly refreshing when one of the most talented and talked about rappers on the scene chooses to keep things interesting by doing what he really wants to do. When Chance the Rapper released his impeccable sophomore tape, Acid Rap, the reaction from hip-hop fans caused the industry to fall over themselves, with the major labels eager to sign the talented MC. So when Chance announced that there would be no commercial release under his name just yet, and that his focus would be on an album by

Donnie Trumpet & the Social Experiment, many were pretty shocked. The group are essentially a bunch of mates, and this close connection flows into the music, which is creative and fun. Surf is a diverse album musically, taking in everything from late 70s funk on ‘Wanna Be Cool’ to modern disco on ‘Go’. Pitchfork has described the album as a cross between the Avalanches and the Mizell brothers, and that’s pretty spot on; it’s a record that wears California on its sleeve, and the results are not a bad thing.

PRINCESS CHELSEA – THE GREAT CYBERNETIC DEPRESSION (LIL’ CHIEF) Dreamy yet sophisticated, Auckland-based Princess Chelsea’s The Great Cybernetic Depression matches laidback musings on life against bright and bouncy production, creating a sound that is weird and poppy, held together by tight songwriting and focused ideas. Playing on her image, mostly created via social media platforms like Instagram and YouTube, Princess Chelsea uses simple melodies and eccentrically chosen instrumentation to place her music

in a retro-futuristic setting, matching laptop production against the classic traditions of soft rock. ‘When the World Turns Grey’ embodies this philosophy, Princess Chelsea’s leftfield lyrics matched up against hair metal guitar and trendy synths. ‘We Were Meant 2 B’ re-imagines Prince style pop in a folky mistiness. Overall it’s a tremendously ambitious album, and not every song comes off, but it’s easy to forgive this when a surprise exists around every corner.

FFS – FFS (DOMINO) You know when a project between two bands features a song called ‘Collaborations Don’t Work’ that you’re in for some irony, yet this spirited get-together between Franz Ferdinand and cult American band Sparks actually works, delivering an often absurd but always entertaining album, full of good humour. ‘Call Girl’ and ‘Johnny Delusional’ develop Franz Ferdinand’s precise indie dance into a looser, weirder, and funkier hybrid. Sparks’ two members, brothers Ron

and Russell add their own eccentric touch with fuzzy keyboards and falsetto vocals. Elsewhere, the two bands take on spacey folk on ‘Little Guy from the Suburbs’, and weird synth-pop on ‘Police Encounter’, the whole album often beguiling in its cleverness. That it still works is a credit to both acts. The Sparks naturally weird methods an unusually enjoyable fit to the forthright songwriting of Franz Ferdinand, resulting in a pop oddity that manages to hold your attention throughout.

JAMIE XX – IN COLOUR (YOUNG TURKS) Surely one of the most anticipated ‘producer’ records of 2015, Jamie XX’s debut album proves himself to be master collagist, proving there is much life left in the art of sampling, while also retaining the distinctive percussionbased context we’ve come to associate with his work with The XX and Gil Scott-Heron. Opener ‘Gosh’ sets the bar high, a modernist take on classic jungle culture, featuring one of those samples you’ve heard a million times, but in Jamie XX’s hands takes on a different function, a completely different vibe.

Elsewhere, he flips jazz-funk drummer Idris Muhammad’s ‘Couldn’t Heaven Ever Be Like This’ into a melancholic classic of post-club memories, the lush warmness of the sample fused to Romy’s introspective vocals, the song hinting at what the next The XX album might sound like. Yet this is a Jamie XX album of course, and his ability to paint such a broad canvas often leaves you breathless, even a collaboration with Young Thug coming off good on ‘I Know There’s Gonna Be (Good Times)’.

KURT COBAIN: MONTAGE OF HECK (2015) PAUL BERRINGTON

Calling upon an unprecedented amount of previously unseen footage, Brett Morgen’s documentary Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck details the tragic life of the Nirvana front-man in chronological order, providing a moving document to fans of one of the most talented and nihilistic musicians of his generation. Given access to the Cobain family archives, experienced documentarian Morgen (The Kids Stays in Picture, The Chicago 10) firstly shows us Cobain as a boy – a kid already slightly abstracted from the world, yet hyperactively creative, something he would carry through his short life. What follows is the story of that gentle-natured boy struggling in the small town of Aberdeen: smoking dope, seeking sex, needing something to shock him out of the obscurity of his hometown during the Reagan-era. The break-up of his parent’s marriage makes this need for change crucial, as the adolescent Cobain feels more and more alienated, like a freak with no way to express himself. Suddenly punk-rock inspires him to see a bigger world, and with creativity now an asset, not a burden, he writes his first songs, and forms Nirvana. After the hard graft of establishing themselves, Cobain pens ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’, sending his fragile personality into the big time. Heroin addiction, idolisation, and Courtney Love come soon after, as does some of the most haunting rock

music of all time. The birth of his daughter Frances Bean Cobain seems to bring him out of a slump, but finally his own demons prove too much. Using a montage of still photographs, Super 8 reels, animation, fan videos, and one-on-one interviews, Morgen successfully matches the frantic creativity that is Cobain’s often painful process of song-writing and expression. From a child dosed on Ritalin to an adult high on smack filming his wife and daughter in the bath, it’s hard not to be affected by some of the images in this moving portrait. Interviews with his mother and father not only provide some insight in the nihilistic nature of Cobain, but also of small town life for those in the industrial working classes. Of course it’s not all so sad, and scenes of early Nirvana gigs, stills from flyers and magazine reviews, and perhaps most of all, imagery and lyrics from Cobain’s own journals are incredibly inspiring, adding to Morgen’s broad canvas. The most fascinating insights come from Cobain’s mother Wendy O’Connor, and Courtney Love, and any doubt that the latter’s relationship with the singer wasn’t based on mutual attraction is dispelled by some of the home videos Morgen has used. Tracey Marander, Cobain’s girlfriend while the beginnings of Nevermind were conceptualised, also provides some valuable insights into his personality. While Nirvana

KURT COBAIN: MONTAGE OF HECK (2015) DIRECTOR: BRETT MORGEN 4/5 bassist Krist Novoselic features heavily, there is nothing from Dave Grohl, and not enough from the reserved and creepy Don Cobain, Kurt’s father. A worthy biography for fans, Montage of Heck is also a fascinatingly made documentary – an attempt to mirror Cobain’s unique creative process, and a richly visualised allegory about living or dying for your art.

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (2015) PAUL BERRINGTON An unrelenting chase across post-apocalyptic desert landscapes, George Miller’s fuel injected thriller is as full of stunts and freaks as you could possibly hope for. The film often leaves the audience breathless as Max becomes involved in the daring escape plan involving a female warrior eager to take a grotesque Warlord’s wives to the safety of the mythical Green Place, at the end of Fury Road. Captured and used as a ‘Blood Bag’ for sick War Boy Nux (Nicholas Hoult), Max Rockatansky (Tom Hardy) finds himself strapped to the hood of a car, with Nux eager to find the eternal salvation of Valhalla, which his leader Immortan Joe (Hugh Keays-Byrne) promises for the capture and return of his four wives, stolen from his harem by Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron). Furiosa was born and taken as a child from the Green Place, an ecological utopia once run exclusively by women. Suddenly thrown together and facing insurmountable odds, Max and Furiosa reluctantly decide that working with each other offers them their best chance of survival. What follows is an epic chase, as Immortan Joe and his horde of toothless nutters and ghostly white War Boys attack the armoured truck that Max and Furiosa have escaped in. This begins a non-stop choreographed ballet of spectacular car crashes and acrobatic

violence, the narrative pulsing with adrenaline as it hurtles towards an inevitable final showdown. Held together by the sure hand of an experienced director, and built around a narrative that never strays too far from the central chase, Mad Max: Fury Road is a formidable beast, raw and uncompromising for the most part, rich in striking images and eccentric characters, and made with a passion that translates easily on to the screen. John Seale’s cinematography captures the setting of the previous films instantly, and the striking set design makes for some tremendously outlandish scenes, including a steamy room full of overweight woman being milked, or a gigantic manual lift powered by War Boys and slaves. The stunts are nothing short of remarkable; brilliantly conceived and often resembling some sort of epic war dance with the desert as a backdrop, the intensity coercing jumps and frights in the audience. Add to this, the particularly fine performances from Charlize Theron, Tom Hardy, and Nicholas Hoult, which give the film a dramatic element that might otherwise have been lost in all the action sequences, and you have one of the best action films of recent times; a visually splendid rollercoaster ride that still wear its ‘B’ movie traditions proudly on its sleeve.

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (2015) DIRECTOR: GEORGE MILLER 4/5 There are occasional hiccups in plot logic, and to be honest, the early chase scenes are far more believable and intense than some in the final act. Yet these are small grievances in the overall context of the film, and if anything, it’s the slightly surreal and hallucinogenic rawness of Miller’s direction, misfiring scenes included, that make Mad Max: Fury Road so enjoyable.

GREY TARYN DRYFHOUT Hands down, the good news about Grey is the absence of Ana’s ‘inner goddess’. The bad news is that Anastasia’s inner goddess has been replaced by Christian’s penis. Instead of watching her inner goddess do backflips, we get to hear about how Christian’s cock concurs with his thoughts, and how tight his pants get every time a fleeting thought of Anastasia enters his mind. With that said, his references to his Johnson are also extremely necessary, as they are the only thing that gives the character any masculinity. For a man who manages 40,000 employees, he has a lot of time to obsess over Ana’s meaning, relive conversations, and tell himself to ‘get a grip’. The Grey Christian is feminine, maternal and over-analyses his new relationship like a woman who just read He’s Just Not That Into You. The Christian here is very different to the ‘fifty shades of fucked up’ we met in 2011. The author, E.L. James, has failed to put on a man’s voice and adequately adapt the first book into Grey, leaving the reader wondering if Christian is going to be the next bloke to pull a Bruce Jenner.

One of the features that the book offers is Christian’s backstory. This includes his inner monologue and recurring childhood nightmares that he encounters every night that he doesn’t spend with Ana. However, both of these offer disturbing insight that looks more like a cry for help. His dreams reveal that ‘the crack whore’ called him ‘Maggot’, left him for hours while he ate furry cheese and brought scary men to the house…all reasons why he needs to cane and gag 21-year-old college students. My advice? DO NOT read Grey if you haven’t read 50 Shades. A lot of the content is assumed, and the book functions solely as a guilty pleasure for those addicts who need another fix. It’s also sloppier than the first series and I wouldn’t want anyone to garner their first impression of the franchise from this book. Put simply, the book is a blatant excuse to capitalize on a franchise whose time is fleeting, and the writing has deteriorated further. But, despite all this, one million people rushed out in the first week of release to buy

GREY AUTHOR: E. L. JAMES 2/5

this book so it seems like the proof is in the pudding. Well played E.L. James, well played.

BEAUTY ON A BUDGET DANIELLE CALDER Being a student and trying to look fancy can be pretty hard sometimes. Your skin doesn’t magically become clear and smooth once you turn 18, you still pick at your pimples, and if you’re really unlucky, pesky wrinkles start making an appearance around your eyes Looks aren’t everything, but I’m putting it out there, acne hurts, and dry skin itches. So, what is a poor student to do? Improvise! If you’re thrifty and can manage to nick some of the communal supplies out of the flat kitchen, you can make your very own face masks! These are cheap, crueltyfree, and actually work (tested by yours truly), because all of the ingredients are scientifically proven to benefit problematic skin. So throw together these ingredients and please kids, do try this at home. Just remember, guys and gals: no one likes to come home to a dirty kitchen or sink, so clean up your mess, won’t you? No one wants to find banana chunks on their toothbrush.

EGG WHITE SKIN SAVIOUR (FOR OILY SKIN) 1 egg white Squeeze of lemon (befriend someone with a lemon tree) Whip together until frothy and smooth over the skin. It takes some time to dry, so tilt your head back so you don’t get egg white all over your clothes. Leave it until your face is frozen in place, and then wash off. Eggs are a bit pricey, but if you get them in a small six pack, you’ll be fine. You can use the leftover yolk in your hair if it’s a bit damaged, or you could make an omelette!

“MOISTURISE ME!” FACE MASK (FOR DRY SKIN) 1 banana (get one of those cheap bags of bruised bananas at Pak ‘N Save and freeze the rest) 1 tablespoon of honey ½ cup of plain yoghurt A handful of dry porridge oats (optional) Mash all of these ingredients together and slap on to your skin. Leave it on for 10-15 minutes, wash off, and then bask in your moisturised glory. It’s a bit slimy, but it’s worth it for the nice moisturised feeling afterwards!

SUGAR SUGAR SCRUB (EXFOLIANT)

CINNAMON PIMPLE FIGHTER (FOR ACNE)

1 tablespoon of oil (olive or coconut is best, but there’s nothing wrong with some good ol’ canola or sunflower oil if you’re strapped for cash) 1 teaspoon brown sugar Mix them together, and then scrub. Leave it on for a bit if you need some moisture.

1 teaspoon honey ½ teaspoon cinnamon Mix into a thick paste and apply to your spots. Do a patch test first: cinnamon can irritate sensitive skin.

INSIDE THE MIND: CITIZENS OF WHANGANUI BY JOSH DEY

There’s a strange crowd around Wellington these days. They meander along Cuba Street with a Double Brown in hand and a fresh NBA singlet (regardless of the weather) that crawls down from the collarbone to just above the back of the knee. As proud as Jason Ede at a three-star restaurant, they are unlikely to adopt Wellington fashion, food, or music, and you will often hear them harp on about either the amount of hipsters in Wellington or the amount of wind. Sometimes they manage to complain about both in the same sentence: “If it wasn’t so windy I wouldn’t be distracted by the curtain that dude is wearing, what the fuck do people wear here?” They are the type of people that walk into a cocktail bar in a drop tail t-shirt and ask what beers are on tap, despite the obvious lack of taps in the building. They prefer a bender at Fast Eddies to a bottle of wine on the waterfront. They are resourceful; they can construct a beer bong, or a regular bong, out of almost anything. Basically, imagine a troop of people with MacGyver level ingenuity when it comes to getting under the influence. These people are not homeless, and they are not elderly, but they are incredibly defensive about where they come from, and passionate to the core about their family of 40,000 people. Most importantly, they never consider themselves having ever left their home – everything else is but a temporary measure, delaying their inevitable return to the motherland. As they saying goes: “You can take a man out of Wangas, but that doesn’t mean he will wear shoes.” Who are these people? The short answer is, they are Whanganuians: intrepid travellers hailing from the land of the long brown Awa and Double Brown lager; receding hairlines and devastating floodwaters; gang patch

By-laws; human rights supreme court rulings; Rugby clubs that love a good punch up; rugby clubs that love a post punch up beer; and a former mayor who wears fingerless gloves to the gym and eyeliner to work. Welcome to Whanganui – the most beautifully confused city in the country, that isn’t actually a city. Whanganui has a lot of things figured out. We have figured out that we have the longest running river-way in the country, stretching from Mount Tongariro right down to the sea, and we deservedly boast its image at every opportunity we can. We have figured out our river is reminiscent of Thames, with three beautiful bridges connecting the east and west sides of the city respectively – we also love showing people pictures of our bridges. Finally, we have figured out that we may have one or two gang members floating around town, something the media loves to reveal at every opportunity it can. Despite having figured out some answers to some questions, the vast majority of Whanganui locals still remain incredibly confused, unsure of their place in the national scale of political and economic dealings and dead set on figuring out the answers to a few key questions. The first: What are we so confused about? Before you find an answer to a question, it is best to identify what the question is. When you get into a punch up outside Fast Eddies with a bloke from Wangas, it isn’t because he is angry or violent, it’s because he grew up with an overbearing sensation of angst and complete and utter confusion. When I say Whanganui is confused it is not in the same sense as any other city in the country. You see, Auckland is confused because it isn’t sure where to put the extra million people it will hold by (stat) but Whanganui has an

entirely different set of problems that keep our administrative officials constantly second guessing themselves. The second: Is Whanganui really a city? Perhaps the most fundamental point of confusion is our city’s insistence on calling itself a city, something which it is no longer officially titled. Whanganaui held the title of New Zealand’s fifth largest city for a significant part of the twentieth century, however Whanganui’s status as a city was officially removed in 1989 and stands as a fact that I think no one in Whanganui is frankly aware of. This leads directly to the issue of the century, the great debate of 2009, the hot topic that sparked a media frenzy throughout the country all because of a question the came to be as unanswerable as it was simple: The third: “What is our name?” You see Whanganui used to be called ‘Petre’ up until 1854 when people realized that naming a town after what sounded like a fruit-bearing tree just wasn’t gonna’ fly. Before that it was called ‘Whanganui’, it then became ‘Wanganui’ until the district council decided it could be either ‘Wanganui or Whanganui’ in 2009 – so the resolution to the problem was to not resolve it at all. If there is one thing our people are sure of, it’s that we live in a beautiful city. It’s everything else that has us confused. So before you judge the next Whanganui Lad or Ladess you see asking for a handle of Speight’s at an Indian restaurant, take the time to imagine how lost you would be if you grew up in a gorgeous city that isn’t actually a city and that hosted a spelling error in its name for over one hundred years.

THE SIX HORCRUXES OF JUDITH COLLINS It’s official, Judith Collins may in fact be the love child or reincarnation of Lord Voldemort. There’s nothing that can stop her, be it the Chinese, a wardrobe tiff, Nicky Hager, losing her beloved “Hon”, or being in the perpetual “you can’t sit with us” situation. While the New Zealand Herald’s Claire Trevett waxed lyrical about Judy’s concession on Seven Days that indeed, her initials were the same as Jesus Christ, “You Know Who” similarly came back from the dead so-to-speak. “Never underestimate the power of resurrection”, Crusher said. Like Voldemort, the Crusher cultivates fear. Trevett noted, “if you want to make a National MP nervous, ask what they think about Judith Collins. A bit of panic enters their voices. A few will tell you, but none will do it publicly. Some even run away. Even the Prime Minister doesn’t want to talk about Collins. In fact, the only person willing to talk about Collins at the moment is Collins herself. “Few in National will speak openly about Collins but they are certainly speaking behind closed doors and many are suspicious as hell.” The hush-hush rhetoric seems awfully similar to that of “he who must not be named,” no?! But what is her master plan if not for world domination? Trevett says, “others think she is trying to paint herself as the wronged party in the eyes of the public or to force the hand of the Prime Minister as she tries to get reinstated as a minister. The most interesting theory is speculation about profile-building for a secret Plan B - a tilt at the Auckland mayoralty should that ministerial role be withheld. Collins says she has been asked about it, but it is not something she is considering doing. “I have to rebuild my reputation.” “Certainly no one thinks she still has a chance of being National’s leader in the

future, something even Collins appears to have given up all hope of. “Never. I’m not interested in it,” she says. But there is a lowlevel concern her actions will at least lend to the perception of a faction in National, and that is a chink in its armour of discipline. Collins denies this: “There is seriously nothing sinister going on.” Everyone appears to be clueless as to her motives and aspirations but we’re frankly very frightened yet somewhat excited (namely due to the Potter epiphany) by what the future will hold. Who are her Death Eaters? Collins at first refused to answer who she’s friends with in her interview with Trevett. “I’m not going to name them all and have them being harassed.” She went on to tell Trevett that she “works closely with the other South Auckland MPs - even the Labour ones. She is friends with the Mad Butcher, Sir Peter Leitch. When contacted he said he had known Collins for years and she was a loyal friend - as was the Prime Minister. Only one of the names is a minister - Health Minister Jonathan Coleman. Collins herself doesn’t mention Maurice Williamson, but when his name is put to her she says “Yeah, Maurice”. Sadly, none of these characters fit the Bellatrix Lestrange brief. However, if we are going to take this comparison to the next level, we must conclude that John Key represents the many features of either Nagini, Voldemort’s pet snake, who too was a horcrux, or Professor Quirrell. Honestly, they’re neck and neck (LOL Quirrell pun LOL). Why? Nagini nursed poor ol’ Volde to health following the original Potter fiasco, and remained his trusted sidekick until they both kicked the bucket. Quirrell on the other hand literally shared his head with Voldemort in the first Potter instalment. Key, who’s been said to have “snake-like” qualities, was very reluctant to rain on Crusher’s parade

during the aforementioned Hager fiasco so it’s understandable to think the pair are somewhat in cahoots. What’s more, Key’s incessant use of “at the end of the day, at the end of the day, at the end of the bloody day” could in fact be a stutter, much like Quirrell’s. #nailedit. Collins told Trevett “she and Key have a good relationship - direct and upfront”. And when he’s asked about my loyalty he’s never had to ask me because he knows that I’m absolutely 100 per cent behind him.” And for fear of leaving out poor Nagini, we’ll reserve that role for her hubby, David Wong Tung, who “got her through” the hard times, she said in both Women’s Day and in the Herald. Once camera shy, he’s getting quite a bit of press lately, and if you recall, scary-ashell Nagini was only introduced in the latter part of the Potter series. So who the hell is Harry Potter then? We need a protagonist to make this Potter recipe complete. While we’d like to suggest Andrew Little or heaven forbid Gareth Hughes due to their “underdog” nature and stature, there’s really only one other character that truly fits the bill - Peter Dunne. We’re forever unsure of his popularity and like Potter - who, let’s face it, on closer inspection he’s no Hermione with his poor use of magic - Dunne always seems to “survive” the tumultuous political landscape. Oh and that head of hair of his is surely hiding something scar-worthy. You’re welcome.

FOOD BLOG SASHA BORISSENKO HELPS YOU SUSS BOTH DINNER AND DESSERT WITH THIS MONTH’S FOOD BLOG – YOU’RE WELCOME!

Pummie Pie To start, cut your pumpkin in half and biff it in a 180 degrees Celsius oven for about 45 minutes. Meanwhile, in a food processor, mix the butter and Gingernuts for the base. Traditional American pumpkin pie recipes call for generic sweet pastry but Gingernuts give it more of an Australasian flavour, in my humble opinion #multicultural. Pack the mixture into a greased pie dish and refrigerate for about an hour. For the filling, scoop out the cooked pumpkin and place in a bowl. Combine all remaining ingredients. Pour the filling into the base-riddled pie dish and bake for a further 45 minutes or until cooked. Enjoy.

Carby Carbonara Every bloody blog post I wax lyrical about my eccentric mother. She told me I need to expand my culinary endeavours because I’m a “bit of a one trick pony”. Well, pasta it is then. I die for carbs on carbs. Pasta carbonara is cliché, sure, but damn, some clichés exist for a reason. If you’re posh and wish to spice up this wintery delight, I suggest you use chorizo or pancetta as opposed to bacon. Similarly, if meat makes you feel ethically ill, you could use “faken” or the stock standard “vegetarian sausage”. Due to laziness, poverty, and gluttony however, I’m all for the traditional piggy variety.

Ingredients For the filling: 1 large pumpkin to make 2 C of pumpkin pulp purée ½ C packed brown sugar 1/3 C white sugar ½ tsp salt 2 eggs 2 tsp cinnamon 1 tsp ground ginger

Ingredients 500 grams spaghetti Bacon (I will leave the amount open ended for obvious greedy reasons) Use olive oil liberally ¼ C of some old Sauvignon Blanc that’s grossly hanging out in the cupboard 4 eggs ½ C cream Freshly ground nutmeg - oh, how posh! Parmesan (again I will leave the amount open ended for obvious greedy reasons)

¼ tsp ground nutmeg ¼ tsp ground cloves ¼ tsp ground cardamom 1 can of condensed milk For the base: 75g butter 1 pkt of Gingernuts

On a stovetop, cook yo’ bacon. I prefer my bacon crispy. After about 5-10 minutes, leave the bacon to cool and dice it accordingly. Meanwhile, boil a pot of water so you can cook your pasta. I could bark on about how to cook pasta but Google is far more eloquent than I. To give you an idea, I test my pasta by throwing it around the room. The pasta is ready, in my opinion, once a noodle finally sticks to a kitchen wall. I’m all about hygiene, you see. In a pot combine your cooked pasta, bacon, eggs, cream, and olive oil. Cook for 5 – 10 minutes. Add nutmeg and parmesan to serve. Delicious. Photo retrieved from Saveur

UNI MUM I am your surrogate Uni Mum (“I’m not a regular mum, I’m a cool mum”) here to offer sound advice (and virtual hugs) about anything to do with university life. From the flatmate who steals your clothes, to the test you will cheat on, to your cunning plans to bang that babe down the hallway, and everything in between. If you have an issue you would like me to cover, just flick me an email (editor@massivemagazine.org.nz) and I will be sure to write about it next month. During the holidays, more partying, less sleeping, and exposure to the chilly weather are inevitable. So too is having even less money than usual (unless you are spending your holidays picking up extra shifts at work, and chur to you if this is the case, your life is sorted, please stop reading now). Funnily enough, nutritious food is still paramount to survival, and sadly, a jumbo bag of chicken nuggets from The Mad Butcher does not fit the mould of overly nutritious, although you could argue the importance of protein and fats in a well-rounded diet. Now, I’m not a chef or a dietician, but I have watched a wide array of cooking programmes, including Come Dine With Me, and I once ate cold mushroom broth at a raw vegan café so I am 100% qualified and entitled to write reviews both on Yelp and Zomato, as well as provide advice for other people. Here are two recipes that you can easily and quickly throw together and eat on the go:

THE POOR MAN’S THAI This is a favourite recipe of mine, providing a healthy spin on two minute noodles, or creating a really shit Thai dish, depending what way you look at it. This is perfect for taking to work or university, as all you need to do is put the ingredients into a plastic container (or jar depending on your levels

of hip), add boiling water and enjoy! A visit to the Asian grocery store is a must here, and this is my first tip: Asian supermarkets have just become your best friend this winter; nowhere else do yummy pastes and shit so cheap. They also have the cheapest bloody coconut milk in town. Most of them have an impressive vegetable section too, and you can always go a little crazy and still come in under budget. This is exactly why Asians always carry designer bags: they spend less money on food than you. Ingredients A fistful of noodles (thin rice noodles, or some egg noodle cakes) 2 Tablespoons Tom yum paste (comes in a jar, found in all good Asian supermarkets) 1 Tablespoon Miso paste (same deal) 1 Tablespoon Sweet Chilli Sauce Squeezed ½ lemon Chili flakes to season Onion Mushroom Bok Choy (or similar green things) Cherry tomatoes (not necessary, consider seasonal costs) Shredded chicken (left over from dinner, or spoil yourself with half a pre-cooked chook from the supermarket) Scoop in all sauces, chop everything into edible pieces, place into a bowl/jar/carry container, top with boiling water, cover and allow it to brew for about five minutes. Eat! Adding vegetables and chicken makes these noodles healthier yet still heavily cost effective and filling. The rule of thumb with any Asian cooking is sweet, salty, spicy, and sour. Master this balance and you are basically a Samurai. This is also totally okay to

serve up to a male/female who has previously spent a night in your bed. I did this with my now boyfriend, and we just got a dog together so you could say this shitty recipe really sealed the deal.

NEXT, LET’S VISIT ITALY AND MAKE TRULY UNTRADITIONAL PIZZA! I love pizza, but apparently cheese isn’t all that good for you (or your bank account these days). I mastered the art of the healthy pizza a while back, and feel obliged to share it with you. Made with Lebanese bread, these are super low in carbs, and go really crispy, so if you are more into soggy bases, you could use those frozen pizza bases. Alternatively, naans make extraordinary pizza bases, and are pretty cheap from Indian grocery stores. I’m not even going to list out the ingredients here, because you literally make it like a normal pizza, except opting for less traditional toppings, and changing it up a bit for ultimate nutritional reach. These have been known to cure hangovers, satisfy cravings, and can also be eaten lying down. Top with tomato paste, a little crushed garlic and a few dashes of spicy sauce, this is the game-changer! Then add anything and everything, my go–to is mushrooms, pumpkin, ham, olives, tomato, onion, capers, capsicum, and feta cheese (it’s the cheapest of cheeses, and still tastes pretty decent). Then bake in the oven on about 160 for 20 – 30 minutes, top with spinach leaves five minutes before you take it out, and you have yourself a healthy feast. I managed to successfully live on a mixture of these two meals, and homemade soup (buy a Crockpot, chuck anything in it, and leave it on all day!) for a little over two years, and never once got sick or spent any more money than I really had to, meaning I was still able to keep up a pretty decent smoking habit and social life. I invite you to take the challenge!

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FOR LIBBY

BLURRED WORDS

HANNAH BRIDGES

LENA FRANSHAM

I look to the moon when I breathe night air clutch my pepper spray like a prayer, touch my thigh, Libby; feel it tense when street lights flicker. Here, we make our own electricity. But on Venus, caverns are light. Less gravity in your gangly legs, I hear there’s a current in the Milky Way. They’ll shoot us there and write about it, you and me in our tiny, white space-cocoon. Go play on Venus, come home at any hour, there’s no one to make dark frightening. I’ll have dinner ready: freeze-dried spinach in crinkly silver wrappers, NASA sending strawberries soon. Don’t cry, Libby. Oxygen was overrated; sour when used to scream. Until we go to Venus I’ll teach you to use a knife, to walk with speed in your legs and a scream in your throat. Look down, Libby. Green eyes are too pretty to open in this city. Your brothers don’t understand and won’t take a stand before it’s too late. And I can’t truly protect you without slicing open skulls and carefully rewiring brains to sense what isn’t consent. Libby I’m sorry we have to board the box headed to Venus, ship ourselves like stowaways, but women have been running since the day the earth fell and Libby, you aren’t falling with it.

In your language you read yes in the cut of my clothes and you hear an invitation in my drunken slurred hello my naivety or youth says “available” to you. If you telling me I want it is consent enough for you if when I fail to run fast enough I am fair game if when I fail to keep my mouth shut I am to blame then yours is a language I don’t want to know. But here is my word for you. No. No. No. No

POTTER TIME 1. In Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone, which Gringotts Vault was the Philosopher’s Stone kept in?

2. What does Professor Lupin give Harry to eat after his encounter with a Dementor?

3. What secret name do Harry, Ron, and Hermione use to refer to Sirius Black?

4. What is the name of the fountain inside the Ministry of Magic?

5. How many inches is Harry Potter’s wand?

6. How many points is the golden snitch worth?

7. According to the Dursley’s, how did Harry’s parents die?

8. What is the symbol for Ravenclaw house?

9. How many brothers does Ron Weasley have?

10. What is the name of Dumbledore’s phoenix?

“HELP DOBBY BECOME A FREE ELF”

1. 713 2. Chocolate 3. Snuffles 4. Fountain of Magical Brethren 5. 11 inches

6. 150 7. In a car crash 8. An eagle 9. Five 10. Fawkes

IF YOU’RE HAVIN’ QUIDDITCH PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON, I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A SNITCH AIN’T ONE

SPOT THE DIFFERENCES ON VOLDY

EDITOR Kim Parkinson (04) 801 5799 ext. 63765 editor@massivemagazine.org.nz

DESIGN AND LAYOUT Maia Visnovsky www.mvisnovsky.com maia.visnovsky@me.com

ADVERTISING, MARKETING, AND MAWSA ASSOCIATION MANAGER James Collings (04) 801 5799 ext. 63763 manager@mawsa.org.nz

CAMPUS REPORTERS Auckland Julia Braybrook: juliabraybrook@gmail.com Manawatu Carwyn Walsh: carwynwalsh@gmail.com Wellington Kim Parkinson: editor@massivemagazine.org.nz

CONTRIBUTORS Julia Braybrook, Carwyn Walsh, Sasha Borissenko, Paul Berrington, Taryn Dryfhout, Danielle Calder, Joshua Dey, Hannah Bridges, Lena Fransham, Uni Mum, Rep Chic.

THE MAN BEHIND THE COVER I’m Isaac Laughton, and I’m currently a third year Bachelor of Design student. My interest in illustration started to become apparent through the countless classes I spent defacing and scribbling over textbooks. From high school, I took these scribbles and started to experiment with them using spray paint. My mates and I would venture through Christchurch suburbs at night using old shipping containers as our canvases to practice. When I moved to Wellington I took that same curiosity with me, knowing that university would help push me in the right direction. With my father living in Europe I have been able to travel a lot, allowing me to be exposed to art and culture, which I feel has had a big influence on my work. Some artists I am really looking at now are Egon Schiele, Jon Drypnz, James Jean, Nemos David Cho, and Jenny Saville. My style was developed when I attempted to draw my high school graffiti character in one line. Over time, through various wheat-pastes and paintings on abandoned military bunkers it developed into the pure fundamentals of a male face. The linear qualities of my work make it really fun to upscale it onto a wall using spray paint;

the faster you spray the more effective the style comes through. Right now I am trying to push my style from a graffiti character style into a more realistic approach. The front cover was based on the concept of dazed and confused. This work is my interpretation of disorientation and confusion. To see more of my work, go to: isaaclaughton.com or you can email me at isaac_laughton@windowslive.com

IMAGE CREDITS Front and back cover Isaac Laughton, www.isaaclaughton.com Letters to the editor page 3, Fern Grant, www.rubyandtuesdays.com Editorial, page 6, Nathan Foon, Instagram/snapchat: @creativespoonz Budget feature page 16, Kallum Best, Kallumbest.tumblr.com Flatting feature Anton Burian, anton@0800phantom.co.nz Geo-caching feature page 24, Pip Alfeld, phillipaalfeld@gmail.com Photo feature page 28, Evangeline Davis, www.evangelinedavis.com Travel feature page 40, Isaac Laughton, www.isaaclaughton.com Rep Chic page 42, Daniel Garland HBWW feat. Maia Visnovsky

Uni Mum, Te Hana Goodyer, www.hanateh.com Expressive arts page 46, Alice Alva, www.glassandbones.tumblr.com Puzzle Time page 48, Te Hana Goodyer, www.hanateh.com

READ ONLINE issuu.com/massivemagazine Publisher massivemagazine.org.nz ISSN 2253-5918 (Print) ISSN 2253-5926 (Online) This publication uses vegetable based inks and environmentally responsible papers. The document is printed throughout on SUMO Laser, which is FSC® certified and from responsible forests, manufactured under ISO14001 Environmental Management Systems. MASSIVE magazine is committed to reducing its environmental footprint.

DISCLAIMER The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of MASSIVE Magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Society, or the MASSIVE editor.