For twenty-two year old kids who simply do not know how to be – this is for you all. I’m looking at you too, self. You made it this far.
Enjoy adulthood.
CONTENTS
PITY-PARTIES
Sad songs at the age of 22
Foreign
Uncertainties
A warfare
Little shadow creatures
I want to be everything I’m not
LOVE
A love letter
Closure
Big dipper
The feeling
Need you
Love is
ADULTHOOD
Letting the light in Spirit and wound Lost in grace
A little reminder This phase called adulthood I am whole
PITY–PARTIES
I always find myself getting help from sad playlists on my phone Sad songs, I guess, make me feel better at most times Knowing something was written beautifully about your thoughts Knowing that someone out there is also feeling the same way as you do Sad songs feel like a safer place of feelings at the age of 22
Sad songs are backbone of: Unhappy and happy memories Concrete visions Hatred and disappointment Rejoices and good news
Sad songs represent best friends we never had Through words that make up a helping hand Through rhythms that swallow insecurities Through beats that give securities They were always there; written to be experienced
At the age of 22 I always find myself going back to my favorite sad songs As they are also a vessel of my own self; a draft & a representation Knowing they exist; I exist
Uncertainties at 6 am What if I die today? What if I won’t be able to speak anymore? What if I become a disappointment? What if the world stops spinning?
What now?
What. now.
Well now's probably the time to face this. I won’t die if I've made something at least a little bit remarkable. I won't worry if I wouldn't be able to speak anymore if I've spoken enough About the greatness of humanity in this world I won't become a disappointment if I've given this life a shot of nothing less but my best. The world may stop spinning, but I'd still be here. I was here. I've lived here. And I'd always be.
What now? On my bed. Maybe very happy to face the world despite uncertainties. Maybe.
Little shadow creatures on my wall Keeping me entertained Swallowing up my ego; unsettling Running around free within my premises
They stare back at me at most times As if being at this stage in my life is a lie I would draw them inside my head As a vessel; a best friend; a security blanket
I keep on thinking about them each day What if I lose sense of the world, would they still be here? I want them here; I want them to always guard my walls The world is a pretty scary place and I wouldn't want to be alone
Sometimes I have nothing but silence My mind tends to be unreachable Where everything feels like an ominous effort I’m maybe an omen dressed up as daylight
Sometimes I don’t like who I’m becoming Yet I try to become what feels like a foreign persona to me To cure my core and feed my soul To understand that sometimes I’m just not that enough
Now tell me, am I all the things I tend to hide? Go on and look me in the eye Tell me if I’m still a universe wrapped in skin Tell me if I’m still a new found grace after all
My head’s in between heaven and ground at this point A warfare of unsolicited what could have beens and what not Feigning death inside without letting you all know A giant balloon in a human form filled with negative air and a little ego
I want to be less alone Less cautious of my thoughts I want to believe that even a lost ship Can still be guided home to port
I want to feel more alive than ever Less anxious about misinterpretations I want to believe that the magic Is in the broken, weird and fascinating mess
I want to be everything I’m not and it is as simple and complicated as that.
LOVE
Love, the next time you're around Please don't make me wait or else: I'll stay long enough not to leave Long enough to hurt myself
Love, you are nothing less but actions That needed reciprocation Least that's what they say about you I thought I don't need an "I love you too" After saying I love you But that's a constant assurance I know of
Love, I'm always willing to know more about you But did you ever think of getting to know me, too? I feel you in every way; in every hold But not concrete enough to build a home
Love, writing about you always leaves me One lasting impression: One will always leave and one will always stay Often too uncomfortable; kind of a permanent ending
Love, I hope you find me against the exhaustion I'm always up for you; always willing to fight for you Even when you are silent; I hear you
I remember the day we said hello to each other Amusing yet nerve-wrecking I was faced with an ocean eyes A day I forgot the existence of time
Each day, we would build forts through stories Carrying each other's flaws and worries I thought being submerged in your contradiction Was the best thing I signed up for in life at least
Secretly writing you love letters everywhere You have my word - no, I meant you have all my words Secretly getting a glimpse of you from afar You have my attention - no, I meant you have all my attention
We once talked about shooting stars Calling them surreal yet beautiful; uncanny yet one of a kind For a moment, I stopped looking at you and paused for a minute How could I be this close to someone who's so much more than stars?
I could write you hundreds of poems I could drive you to the big dipper "How about the moon?" you asked I can lower it for you
There's something inside me that Makes me want to burst out in tears I am for a fact missing everything Everything - I have intentionally left behind By saying everything I meant "us" Us; smiling face to face about our future dreams Us; holding promises of our supposed meeting
I intentionally left them behind To temporarily not need them when I need them the most To keep them away from being my thoughts when I have Nothing else to think about To forget them for a while for my own peace of mind I tend to push them aside because /need / is a powerful word Which I strongly feel right now and for a fact that I am Writing this, I need /you / more than ever and it will Not for a fact suffice the temporary need that I am begging In the world for once;
I will just keep it this away in hopes that I will no longer need you And you will no longer be needed anymore - ever.
Lying on the floor Seeking some closure A few feet away from me won't hurt But now I'm left with all these thoughts
I let you keep my heart and all my secrets However we're two far down for some closure Now I feel nothing; I feel the exhaustion I'm lying on the floor hoping it's still you
I don't know how to restart Have I loved you enough that I do not know how to begin again? I'm taking back my heart and you don't have to speak a word to me I already think I know
Now it’s really over All these lack of colors I need some saving More of a brief pause
The feeling is like remembering a room that isn't there Something that is so calming yet so haunting A moving place of both despair and sadness I wish I could go back but I could use some play pretend
It's times like this where I wonder how it means to not simply be alive but to live However I have no means of returning back to what once we have had This emotional pain that kept me up at night brought me comfort It's something I could compare to saying "I want to live once more"
The feeling is like remembering a room that isn’t there There are moments of recollection of nothingness Like revisiting an old front porch without the flowers But also an alleviation of a person’s feeling of grief
Love is the craziest thing on earth I've spent so many years being with someone Someone that would watch me watch the world But couldn't hold my hand
Love is the weirdest thing on earth It kept me up every night writing words that my brain could blab For someone who loved me so much But wouldn't stay to be my man
Love is the most absurd thing on earth It's in between losing and winning It's the change from various emotional relapse It's something you know when it's there and when it's already gone
ADULTHOOD
I can feel its weight I can feel something's going on within the premises Broken, weird & fascinating all at the same time Is it my past-self letting the light in?
I was scared of rejections; more of the confrontation The mere fact that I've experienced more hurricanes than sunsets I could no longer hear my heart at peace with myself I'm alone and clumsy and weary
I've figured I have only eyes with the courage to stay open For I know that beautiful things don't ask for attention For every magic that there is starts with a mess I am a symbol of grace placed in precious rhythm
I always ask myself this question: "Are you being led by your spirit or your wound?" I would like to think I'm led by both One thing balances the other as they say
One thing I've learned in this life is that: We are crafted from one disappointment to another From shame to grace From hundreds of failure to courage From brokenness to wholeness
We rise above We show up We become heroes of our own tragedies We become turning points and greater heights We are small yet a delight; a home
One thing I'm really certain about is that: I am led by my own spirit and wound We all are We would always be
Dive into uncertainties Swim into the trackless sea It's okay to be afraid; you're alive We're alive in this ocean; you're in control
Live with doubts Be lost in grace The world has a catch basin for you, dear We're alive in this ocean; you're safe
Close your eyes Bathe in the depths of your dreams You'll go far; far beyond the high heaven and stars The constellation is you; Go forth, my dear captain
You are welcome in this world Your whole-being; you lovingly furious We are both fires and still waters Yet so concise and pure
You are welcome in this little planet Your thoughts are valid You and your beautiful mind The world needs more of you and your insights
We are not fragmented nor are we confused We are simply courageously gentle and whimsy You are the world, the birth of hope & home to growing things You are too full of life to be half-loved
I’m at this phase called “adulthood” Where paying bills or making friends matter It does take a lot of effort in my whole system I wish I could back to being seven
People expect you to know it all To be honest I’m just here getting by Taking things one at a time Slowly building myself up
I’m twenty two but it feels like I’m still being schooled “Sit up straight!” “Keep your chin up!” More like “Put something on your face, you look pale!” People expect you to act or look in a specific kind of way
I’m at this phase called “adulthood” Where love is a thing Where you must learn how to cope and unlearn some things Where knowing yourself is more like keeping up with your self-worth
I am whole. I am one with myself. Knowing that I am here present with the world is - enough.
22 Š Copyright. Maikz Tomas, 2017. All rights reserved.