You’re Invited!
I cut off all my hair the weekend my mother was out of town, When I was younger my mother used to brush the knots out my hair as I laid on her lap Always complaining that I never cared enough about my hair I let it get that way The first haircut was terrifying I watched my long, dark brown, damaged, knotted locks get swept away in the trash My mom saw me and cried Different tears than mine I wondered if I I had enough love in me to choose myself Over and over again For the first few months I’d lay in bed, crying and mourning the person I thought I was The person I thought I had to be for my motherI wondered when the joy and celebration of being liberated would finally happen, When would it be my turn?
My friend chose my name I felt rebirth when he said it He looked me in the eyes and said “Elías, I see you” I cried I spent years trying to make myself invisible Trying to make myself small and hidden Like a flower growing in the cracks of the sidewalk Slowly but surely Patiently, Eventually, being seen
I’m still finding ways to comfort myself A long drive on a dark road Fireworks erupting overhead A long hug from mi mama Eating her comida Sitting on the porch in Santa Ana Listening to Circles on repeat Feeding pieces of salmon to the stray cats Smoking a pack of cigarettes in 2 days 1 for every time I thought: “There’s something wrong with me” Curled up in a fetal position like the wounded child I am Unable to console myself because I never learned Can’t force a feeling until it’s too heavy to carry— I find a desolate, dark beach and bawl my eyes out The breeze gently hit my arm and it felt like an embrace
I don’t want to be cis I want to exist between the cracks of your palm Hovering between the celestial spaces and dust In the pops and crackle of a record before it plays Within the space between two warm bodies embracing The moments before a soft kiss I don’t want to be cis I’ve made my body into a fortress Whenever I step outsideI am ready for war I want to transcend I’m a bright comet, A falling-star Exploding into millions of pieces
(he/him) Garden Grove 2021
I don’t want to be cis
@recycleonly