Let’s talk about sex baby The impact of sexual problems on a relationship can be significant. Painful sex (dyspareunia), problems with libido, physical changes such as menopause can all impact on your sex life and your relationship.
Women and their partners often experience feelings of rejection, confusion, helplessness and frustration and the sooner these feelings are discussed the better the outcome for all concerned.
Consider having an open discussion with your partner and/or a health professional about how you feel. If you’ve been avoiding sex this can be especially difficult. But if you do find support, it can build intimacy and help you to manage your sexual relationship more honestly. The good news is there are strategies to help you.
It can also help if both partners read relevant books and seek out other resources together. It’s okay (and a good idea!) to have some fun with sexual exploration. Sometimes couples get into a ‘routine’ for sex that’s no longer working for one or both partners. Self-help books can be easily bought over the internet, so there’s no need to be shy.
Relationships and painful sex Feeling stressed, self-conscious about your body, depressed or anxious about intimacy can make sex uncomfortable, and even painful. Sometimes dyspareunia (painful sex) begins as a physical problem, but then has a flow-on effect to your psychological wellbeing and relationships, causing stress and anxiety. A vicious cycle can develop where past experiences of painful sex cause anticipatory fear of more pain. This fear creates stress, tension and reduces libido and arousal and as a result, sex becomes painful. For some women their past experiences may include sexual or emotional abuse, which can a be a trigger for experiencing painful sex, even in good relationships with an understanding partner. There are many ways two people can be sexual, or sensual, with each other that do not involve vaginal penetrative sex. Think of all the things you did before you had sex for the first time. We sometimes call this ‘outercourse’, and refers to kissing, hugging, fondling, touching etc. Treatment The right treatment depends on the cause of the pain, but almost all treatment options will include a combination of individual and couples sexual and relationship counselling. If you are in a relationship, encourage your partner to be involved in your treatment, particularly the counselling sessions. 18
Relationships and libido It is quite common for women to experience a decline in spontaneous sexual desire with age, or when you have been in a long-term relationship (hello marriage!). Chronic low libido can sneak up on you. Initially, you may feel like it’s just another dip in your sexual interest and manage it the way you have in the past; explaining it away as a normal response to the stresses of life. But, if low libido has been happening for a long time and it is distressing, or causing relationship disharmony, you should examine your real reasons for not wanting to have sex. Is it about short-term or recent events, or is it beginning to look like a way of life? Is it a way of life you want or is it distressing you? How does it impact on your partner? For couples, differences in sexual desire can create significant problems. A pattern of avoidance and resentment can build up especially if sex is initiated by one partner and refused by the other over and over again. The partner with lower libido may feel bothered by sexual overtures and the partner with higher libido may feel frustrated, rejected and unloved. Some couples stop being affectionate and loving with each other and negative feelings become more and more overwhelming. These difficult feelings, if not talked through, can impact negatively on the relationship.
