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Photo: Simon Stewart
Photo: Simon Stewart
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Editors’ Letters
S
o after a long absence, ManMag is back. I know you missed us, but we’re chasing quality over quantity, and I’m sure this new issue will bemuse you more than ever before.
He is the Black Knight, who is always more intriguing than Sir Lancelot. He will fend for himself, protect himself, and rely on no-one but himself, while fighting for the morals he holds.
We’ve taken to heart what you’ve all had to say, and every issue is getting progressively better. We’re chasing the big names in this game and we are sure that, with your help, Man Magazine will soon be a household name.
The bad boy is something of a mystery to most. He does as he pleases, when he pleases. As the 21st century knight-in-shining-armour, he will disappear for hours or days, returning with stories of modern-day conquests.
This issue is all about bad boys. If you aren’t one, you probably don’t see the appeal. If you’re a bad girl, the bad boy is the natural counterpart. For the good girl, he’s the ultimate taboo - the man you yearn to have, despite your better judgement.
So if this illusive bad boy is already such a feature of mythology anew, and cares not for what we think of him, why then are we saluting him with an entire issue of this illustrious publication? The answer, my dear friends, is because the
bad boy isn’t so much born as created. There is a bad boy in all of us, and in true ManMag fashion, we are dissecting his personality and interests and displaying them in the form of magazine articles and some of the spectacular photography for which we are known. You can then reassemble the pieces in whatever fashion you choose, in order to become a bit more like the knight over which the ladies swoon. We’re here to prove that being the “baddest” is different to being the “worst”, and that bad is actually good. So relax, friends, and enjoy this issue of Man Magazine. Best Marc Bernitz Editor-in-Chief
The World Hates Nice Co-Editor, Edward Ridgwell
don’t deserve to be saved they will never pull you up from the cliff. If they do they make you beg for your survival - grovel and ice guys suck. That’s final. The world weep at their toes until they feel you have has had enough of suck-up losers learnt your lesson. who can’t figure out what they want and kiss-ass to anyone in an attempt to gain Bad boys are not evil, though. They are acknowledgment or acceptance. The bad never the villain in a movie or the sickening boy is here to rule. He knows what he wants toad of a man that makes choices that even and he couldn’t care how he gets it. Yet, he’s the devil would think twice over. These are the people from whom the bad boy rescues a darling in the eyes of many.. the gorgeous heroine before, cliché alert, Without doubt the bad boy is the king of riding off into the sunset. society as he breaks rules, takes risks most wouldn’t, and has a general disregard for Bad boys know how to win a girl’s heart and health and safety. Vinnie Jones, Jason then keep it pumping. They revel in showing Statham, James Bond. All of these men a girl how to live - making them feel on edge show that bad boys can rule the world and as they try to control and tame a feral heart. yet they will never abuse their power, they It is sad though when a good boy tries to join are never so rude as to be malicious or the league and buys a massive motorcycle wrongful and they know how to seduce. with all the extras (read: too many chrome
N
They might not apologise in the way you would want but they make right their wrongs and you can’t help but admire their unwavering ability to know right from wrong and have a feeling for any situation. If you are wrong they make sure you know it with a cunning ability to see the end result and your doom before you even realise. Given this amazing ability, if they see you
fittings). Doing this is a complete flag of small penis syndrome and should be avoided at all costs. If you feel inclined to buy a Harley for the sole purpose of joining the league of bad boys, don’t. It can’t end well and it won’t. Either your limp weak body will be trapped beneath a colossal smouldering hot motorbike or, worse, you’ll have everyone laugh at you. You cannot try to emulate a bad boy. Either you are one or you are not.
D
ear Dr Cee All my friends are bigger than me so I’m desperate to try gain some weight. Some guy I met told me to try out an off-the-market supplement that’s guaranteed to help me bulk up in just a few weeks! He looks very trustworthy and he swears it’s all natural. My girlfriend doesn’t want me to mess with the stuff, she says that it’ll make my balls fall off. Is this true? Thanks Skinny Bean Dear Skinny Bean It’s never a good idea to take ‘supplements’ that aren’t properly regulated. There’s absolutely no control over what goes in and the ingredients may be very harmful or even illegal. Most of these all natural supplements contain large doses of steroids. Check the label - if it contains substances such as methasterone, HGH, nandrolone deacanoate, testosterone, methanolone
Dr Cee
at Your Service
email drcee@manmag.co.za
acetate or anything else that brings up the word “STEROID” when you Google it, then stay away. If your friend requires you to go to a dark alley to get the stuff, stay away. If there’s no label, you’ve got an even better reason to stay away. You get the picture. As to the issue of your testicles falling off - very unlikely. With too much steroid use they can, however, shrink to the size of tiny little sultana grapes. You could also develop attractive man-boobs. And become infertile. So, the moral of the story is - stay away! If you want to bulk up, do it the healthy (and legal) way... at the GYM! Stay fit Dr Cee xx Dear Dr Cee I have a problem Doc, you know, down under. There’s this weird smell and it’s all red and painful at the tip. It can’t be an STD ‘cause my girlfriend and I haven’t had proper sex yet so I’ve been looking after myself in the sexual department, if you know what I mean. Can you get STI’s from, you know, masturbating. And do you think it’ll just go away, I’m not so keen on doctors! Thanks a lot Like a Virgin
Dear Like a Virgin Go see a doctor. STDs don’t discriminate. Even if you haven’t had “proper sex”, bugs such as gonorrhoea and herpes can happily infect individuals via oral sex – so if she’s been sucking your lollipop, get your girlfriend to a doctor too. Haven’t been having any of that either? Well, there are all sorts of bacteria living on your skin and under your nails that can cause infection if you have any cuts “down under”. Dirty hands when you’re, you know, masturbating, are an absolute no-no. Make sure you wash them, unless you’re keen on a Staph infection! You need to get yourself some antibiotics. You may not be keen on doctors, but we’re more pleasant than having a gangrenous penis (seriously, it could happen). Keep it Clean Dr Cee xx Dear Dr Cee I just found a mole on my arm and it’s itchy! Is this cancer?! If it is, will I die painfully? My grandmother got breast cancer last year and I heard that if someone in your family had cancer, your risks are higher. Please help, I’m very worried!! Scared-to-Death
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Dear Scared-to-Death While skin cancer is very common in SA, not every mole on your skin is a reason to panic and start writing up your last will and testament. Most are benign and will not become cancer. Although a mole is not a death sentence, it is important to examine them regularly and note any changes. Look for these important signs: An irregular shape, asymmetry, more than one colour, ulceration or bleeding and any other small moles growing near it. These signs mean it’s time to see a doctor who will then advise whether it should be removed or not. As a side-note, your grandmother’s breast cancer will NOT put you an increased risk of skin cancer. Inherited cancers are quite rare and are usually of the same type or category. So, take it easy with the panicking before you hyperventilate yourself to death! Relax yourself Dr Cee xx
know, how do I cure it? Is there any drug I can take? I’m desperate here. Too-Fast-Too-Furious Dear Too-Fast-Too-Furious Premature Ejaculation or PE is not uncommon and there are a lot of options for you. The type of treatment you need depends on the cause of the PE! If you’re stressed or anxious for example, counselling or psychotherapy will be more useful than drugs and often produces great results. Sex therapy is often very helpful and couples are taught techniques to delay ejaculation. Sometimes, all you need to do is watch your breathing, in which case, you should take up yoga ;) There are certain drugs which may help delay ejaculation such as anti-depressants and topical anaesthetics, but these require prescriptions. There are also condoms available that are made with anaesthetics. Every case is different, so I suggest seeing a doctor to help you decide which route to take.
Dear Dr Cee Recently, I’ve had this really embarrassing situation. Every single time I wanna have sex with my girlfriend, I can’t seem to hold Good luck back, to control myself and it’s all over almost as soon as it’s begun! I Googled it.. Premature Ejaculation they call it. I wanna
D
x x e e rC
Photo: Simon Stewart
O
k, so it’s no secret that women want the cool guy. And the cool guy only wants to be friends with other cool guys (meaning, if you want cool guy friends, you had better be cool too). So it seems obvious that you’d want to be that cool guy, right?
Why He’
Cool G
Luckily, it’s a lot easier than you might think. You see, despite what the average teen movie would have you believe, you don’t need to be handsome or rich, and Words: Liz Leia stuffing nerds into lockers and dumpsters does not a cool guy make.
If they act like they My friend Austin is a perfect example of a are too cool for you, truly cool guy. What makes him so cool? He’s nice to everyone. He appreciates it’s clearly the other everyone. He does NOT think he’s too cool way around. for anyone. This is counter intuitive to what many preach. They suggest that to appear cool, you need to demonstrate higher value and “AMOG” (stands for alpha male of the group) the other guys that could potentially be cooler than you — amogging them makes them look stupid. These techniques are the signs of guys who deep down, know they aren’t really all that cool, so they have to pretend.
Back to Austin, and why he’s the cool guy: Recently, Austin played a show locally (he’s a musician) and afterwards he took the time to go around and personally thank everyone for coming. He really appreciated our support. Not in a cheesy, fake way; he genuinely was grateful that we chose to come support him and enjoy the music instead of doing any other of a million things we could have done instead.
’s the
Guy
It’s his appreciation for his friends, family, and fans that make him cool. If he had acted like we were all idiots who clearly didn’t have anything better to do, or if he had decided he was above hanging with “the masses,” he would be acting like a douche.
It’s his appreciation for his friends, family, and fans that make him cool.
(“Hey man, thanks for coming out tonight. Great to see you.”). With women, a compliment to show how much you enjoy being with her goes a long way. Doesn’t have to be heartfelt poetry, just a quick, sweet line (“Glad I picked you to spend my Friday night with.”)
If someone, especially a woman, does think you’re some kind of freak for actually enjoying their company, that’s because they are insecure, not because you’re actually uncool. Think about it: if someone thinks there’s something wrong with you for liking them, Lots of guys are so petrified to appear needy they must not think much of themselves; that they go to the other extreme and start acting like they are untouchable gods who always have something better to do and some place better to be… and then they wonder why, at the end of the night, they are back on the couch in mom’s basement. You want to be the cool guy? Make the people around you know that you appreciate their presence in your life.
they wonder why, at the end of the night, they are back on the couch in mom’s basement.
With people in the service industry (like even if they act like they are too cool for you, waiters), be kind, ask them “how’s it going?” it’s clearly the other way around. and thank them. Tip generously. So chill out, appreciate the people around With your friends, make the effort and you, and enjoy being the cool guy. express appreciation when it’s reciprocated
Photo: Simon Stewart
Photo: Simon Stewart
Meet our Models:
Elinor Shklaz
Photo: Garreth Barclay
Photo: Nolan Lister
Photo: Garreth Barclay
Photos: Garreth Barclay
Age: Â 21 Studying: Accountancy From: Johannesburg
Sport:Yoga, Karate, Swimming Team: Arsenal Favourite player: Â Van Persie
Photo: Garreth Barclay
H
ow long have you that what you have to been modelling? offer is invaluable. About 2 years Have you considered What are your life modelling full-time? ambitions? Perhaps, once I Currently work in complete my studies. progress. Im just trying to figure it out as i go What is your idea of fun? along. Anything adventurous. I love cycling, quadbiking What made you decide to or being active. pursue modelling? Sometimes a chill at I ‘m mad about home with popcorn and photography. I love a movie hits the spot. how they tell a story without any words. Do you have any quirks Being involved in that or characteristics that process is my creative people wouldn’t necessarily outlet. associate with models? Yes. I’m a total geek. What’s your impression of People assume models the industry? aren’t that bright, but Modelling has its nothing interests me challenges. There is a more than stimulating lot more to the industry conversation. than people assume. That being said, it What would an average teaches you to take Saturday night be like for rejection in your stride, you? not give up and believe Depends completely on
my mood. Sometimes im a party animal hitting a few clubbing spots one evening, and other times you will find me in my pyjamas at home. What does the future hold for you? Do you have any specific plans? The plan is not to have a plan but to grab opportunities as they come along and make the best of any situation. Becoming a chartered accountant is an immediate future goal. Is there anything you’d like to add, that you think our readers will be interested in knowing about you? I have a passion for yoga. I love to travel around the world to the hip and happening yoga spots. Standing on my head is one of my favourite past times.
What do you look for in a man? Nothing is sexier than a funny guy. Lastly, to fit in with this month’s theme, is the bad boy really that attractive? Not so much that he is bad, but more that he does what he wants, doesn’t care what people think and lives carpe diem. So yes, bad boys are awesome. And do nice guys really finish last? Not at all. I have a soft spot for nice guys. Nothing impresses me more than a gentleman with good manners and a cheeky smile. Boxers or briefs? “I prefer briefs because boxers give you wedgies” quote from my 13 year old brother.
Photo: Garreth Barclay
Photo: Garreth Barclay
Photo: Garreth Barclay
Photo: Simon Stewart
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The Primal Directive Words: Theresa LĂźtge-Smith
M
overs and shakers of global conglomerates, innovative inventors and men of note did not achieve their formidable status by being sweet, tolerant and patient. Their formative years, from gawky adolescent to celebrating their birth year at age thirty, was also fraught with yearnings to be accepted, admired,
“They did not achieve their
formidable
status by being sweet, tolerant
and patient.�
adored and acknowledged, attained. These Rebels of not unlike the rest of the Society acknowledge their male population. Yet these success and standing in life as sacrifices worthy of their triumph. They have no regrets, only a wealth of tried and tested experience.
A scarred ego is a badge of honour. achievers chose to live life with intent, kept their eye on the prize, threw caution to the wind, scoffed at doomsayers and soldiered on despite major intolerable waves of ignorant resistance. Theirs is a proud history of exploring life way beyond the normal parameters of mundane society, embracing the seemingly impossible in the midst of a vicious storm that threatens to destroy the fragile structure of what has already been
and betrayal as your partner, or compelled into achieving fixed milestones within a 10-year plan like graduating cum laude, earning a sixfigure income, signing up for membership to the right kinds of social club, starting Every endeavour has its a family, moving in the right rewards. Young, vibrant males brave the unknown with eyes wide open, a heart filled with courage and optimism, and an attitude that is singleminded yet beckoning new awareness. The world needs more strong-minded visionaries who stand firm on their convictions; men, who turn their back on staid principles, and defy circles, keeping healthy, and manipulative threats of building that elusive nest imminent failure if they egg to ensure a comfortable reject conformity. It’s a myth old age. that in order to get ahead you must be a compliant Finding your passion is team player and dance a everything. Every young slow tango with corruption man, even the warrior,
embracing the seemingly impossible in the midst of a vicious storm
stumbles upon challenges that make him feel insecure, stupid and a dismal failure. Don’t believe that every
they get up, brush themselves off and emerge victorious battle is easily won purely based on the audacious image he presents to the world. Despite his rogue exterior, good looks and style he does not earn favour with every woman he desires. A daily diet of rejection, limitation and ridicule nourishes his soul to nurture ever higher expectations of himself and
an understanding of how cause and effect rally to make him stronger. Yet, on many occasions his dreams are crushed and need to be recycled, often reduced or reinvented. Disappointment rains daily on his scarred ego, making him more determined than ever to delve in the unfamiliar and the unknown.
often labelled peculiar and outrageous. He intentionally shuts his mind to the eternal mad chatter of the world and welcomes the inner-connectivity of Spiritual Awareness. While it’s not his intention to be viewed as rebellious, the growth process is often painful. While not wilfully looking for trouble, there’s an aura of danger about A scarred ego is a badge of him. He is independent and honour. To succeed in life determined; and does what you have to stand up and take some blows, to be a warrior. Yet, even brave warriors fall along the way, chip a tooth or break a limb, but they get up, brush themselves off and emerge victorious. His rogue public image masks a secret life that advances selective inner aspirations. he wants when he wants; He knows what he wants and he expects to win. What and searches relentlessly kind of guy are you? for opportunities to expand his knowledge about things
even brave warriors fall along the way
Three Things
Our Grandfathers
Knew About
W o m e n That We Don’t Words: Jordan Harbinger
T
hese days, it’s almost a rarity to find someone under the age of 30 who was raised by both parents. Usually, when parents are separated, the woman takes primary care of the children. Even if you were from an ‘unbroken’ home, your teachers growing up were probably all female up until high school or even university. Now, there’s nothing wrong with gaining female perspective, but the problems arise when there’s little or no balance and a guy loses the vital benefit of growing up with proper male example. This has affected us as men in many areas,
but perhaps none as pervasively as when it born, pushy or hard-nosed in any way, but comes to our interactions with (and the way it DOES mean that when you ask a woman we relate to), the opposite sex. out for example (oh yeah, that's also your job), you've at least put some thought into Just a few generations ago, in the era of our where you'll go and what you'll do when you grandfathers, there were certain ‘self-evi- get there. Of course, since you're the one dent’ truths about women and a man’s role doing the asking and the planning, you're in courting them. These ‘rules’ were largely also the one picking up the check. There’s based on concepts of attraction and gender a lot of advice out there to the contrary, but role, which are in turn based on biological (in North America anyway), if you don't principles. While social programming and pick up the tab, you'll just look cheap and western culture may have changed, biology socially retarded. and attraction have not. This results in a dismal lack of a system with which to suc- You don't have to go anywhere expensive, ceed in courting women. and you don't even have to go on a traditional dinner date. You DO, however, need Granted, men are no longer expected to ask to plan ahead, guide the way and fulfill your a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage proper gender role as a man and a leader. and give him 10 goats as a dowry. However, some of the things our grandfathers knew about women still hold true, and we’d be well-served to take a page from their book and bring some of it back.
Chivalry doesn’t mean keeping your balls in her purse.
So let’s explore just a couple of things our WIth the women’s equality movement in grandfathers knew about women: full-swing, the pendulum may have gone a bit too far towards the other side. Instead of giving women equal pay and rights in a legal sense, we’re now refusing to acknowledge femininity in nearly every way. This In fact, it’s not just okay to lead, it’s our JOB. ranges from trying to split the check on a This doesn't mean you have to be stub- date (see above) to a complete loss of chivalry and the lost art of being a gentleman.
Your role is that of the leader.
tle rejection (a phrase that now projects That aside, a lot of men are going in the an emasculating, ego-shattering aura of complete opposite direction, and doing eve- shame), and thus, they didn't need any of rything in their power to be people pleasers. those disingenuous tactics. There are few things less attractive than a submissive man, and allowing her, and Instead, our grandfathers would often set others, to walk all over you with impunity their sights on a girl, make their intentions is one of the surest ways to guarantee you'll known, sometimes even publicly, and go afnever be the man she's looking for. ter what they wanted. If it didn't work out and feelings weren't mutual, it was probEven if you're out on a date with a female ably just as embarrassing as it would be Fortune 500 CEO, when she's out with you, today. The difference is how they reacted she’s first and foremost a lady, and should to this type of situation. Rather than sitbe treated as such. A true gentleman ting at home pining away on Facebook, our doesn't modify his behaviour based upon forefathers would often simply get back on what other people expect of him. Instead, the horse and keep an eye out for the next he holds the highest standard of integrity at beauty that crossed their path. all times. The amount of knowledge on how to properly court a girl that’s been lost over the past few generations could fill a book.
It’s okay to chase her.
At the end of the day, however, some of the most crucial ideas regarding gender roles and attraction have been so diluted over the years that many of us men can't seem to implement these concepts effectively. Our goal at The Art of Charm is to reverse that process.
These days, there seems to be tons of advice out there on how to talk to women without them knowing you're interested in them. Much of this centers around pretending to merely be friendly or spontaneous, to downright insulting women so that they think you DON'T like them, and, as a result, Boys, it’s 2011. Time to man-up. Oftenseek your approval. times, taking a look towards the past is the The real men of yore weren't afraid of a lit- best way to move forward.
Guns and Chocolate: My Time in
the Swiss
Army
Robert Rip
L
ast year I was working at an investment bank in South Africa. My grandfather was of Swiss descent and for some reason I felt that it was necessary to go to the Swiss army. I got up from my desk, stretched always important - and then made my way to my boss’s office to tell him about my decision. All I can say is that he had the look of someone who had just walked into his house and found cufflinks with another man’s initials on his bedside table. At last he eventually understood and the trip was underway.
tempting it. Luckily I had the help of a malevolent roommate named Lucas, who would wake me up at seven in the morning after a night out, and with a look in his eye like something out of The Shining, would drag me out of the house into the sub-zero temperatures and force me to run up what seemed like the Matterhorn. The judgement day eventually came. I woke up at 05:00 to make sure that I didn’t miss the train, and slowly got out of bed. I pulled on my winter clothes and then ventured out into the early morning darkness to catch the train that would take me to the testing station. I could hear my heart thumping and knew that if I failed I would never be able to live it down at home.
Once the voyage was over, I needed to get prepared for the medical. In order to pass the medical, one needs to pass a fitness test which lasts a couple of hours and for a non-19-year-old is quite strenuous, and requires you to get rid of your I arrived at the training varsity beer-boep before at- centre with my “Dienstbuchlein” clasped in my hand.
I felt as if I was an explorer trying to negotiate with the local Swiss tribe, as my Swiss German was nonexistent and conversations reverted to stuttered “HochDeutsch”, or in worst case, being most of the time, sign language. The weekend was filled with fitness tests, medical tests, German tests and psychological tests. I would like to focus on the psychological test. It involves questions like, and I quote “Are you a terrorist?” Of course all terrorists would answer yes and be caught out by the ingenious testing developed by the Swiss military. I had passed and was issued my army boots by an old man, who jumps up and down with excitement, when he realises that he has found boots that fit you perfectly.
I knew that if I failed I would never be able to live it down at home.
The time had come to be enrolled in the Swiss military. It excited and scared me at the same time. It’s like going out with your friend’s sister - it’s exciting but you’re scared about what will happen when your friend finds out. I got on the train with all the other young Swiss and awaited the unknown.
tually took my friend Ste- that you’re starting to unven’s advice and slept with derstand what army life is my shooting ear muffs on. like. It worked and within a few minutes I was out. The next morning I woke up expecting to see my room in Joburg but instead I had a bald army officer with his face 5cm from mine shouting something in Swiss German. I understood that this probably meant I was late, so I jumped out of bed and followed the other guys to the bathroom. I looked at my watch and saw that it was only half past four. I cursed and realised that I was in for one long ride!
The first day involved a lot of shouting and receiving of gear. It was at this point, when I was standing with my arms outstretched and a rucksack on my back that I started to consider that my time away from work would have been better spent working in a ski resort The day was typical for the somewhere in Colorado. next few weeks. We would That night I lay in bed and wake up, run to breakfast, listened to the snore opera run back from breakfast, that was unfolding around clean our room, then run me. Sleeping in a room with some more, run to lunch, nineteen other guys is like run back from lunch and trying to sleep next to the then run the rest of the day stage at Oppikoppi. I even- for good measure. I think
It’s like going out with your friend’s sister
At night we would have thirty minutes for supper and then have a room inspection at the barracks. This consisted of our officer Kevin checking that our blankets and clothes were in line and that there was no dust to be found. I must admit that I couldn’t have chosen a worse army as the Swiss are world famous for their precision. One thing occurred to me and my officers pretty quickly, I could not fully understand Swiss German. This therefore led to the awkward situation of me being appointed a translator. Imagine this... “soldier run till
the end of the road and wait for further instructions� and me only being able to follow the instruction after conferring with my translator. I was pretty sure that this type of arrangement would work on a business trip but would be disastrous on the field of battle. After the first few days I had started to adjust to the lack of sleep and started to bond with the guys in my Zug (platoon). They came from all over the country. Their jobs ranged from being a fireman to being a gardener. This allowed me to experience the culture far better than any tourist ever will. It was only there that I realised that in South Africa it is something that we miss, as you will never truly understand your country until you spend time living with people from all walks of life.
would sniff snuff together, drink together and help each other through the 6km run with 40kg heaped on us. Before I knew it we were standing in front of the Swiss flag on the Saturday morning waiting to be dismissed. Unfortunately after the first couple of weeks the officers had decided that I would have to leave the army before we undertook live ammunition training as my lack of understanding, according to them, would result in a dangerous situation. This meant that I would have to leave the army where I had made so many friends and it also meant that I would probably have to leave Switzerland due to financial constraints. My remaining service would be deferred until better language skills could be attained.
as I had my officer follow me around while I went from depot to depot, depositing my material until my potential return. After depositing my stuff, I went to my room and got dressed into the only civilian clothes I had on base, board shorts and a white t-shirt from my high school days. Wearing this in winter is equivalent to wearing white snake skin square toes to your wedding.
My officer then escorted me to the base gate, where he shook my hand and said it was a shame and if it was up to him, he would have let me stay on. I stood outside the gate as it slowly shut and thought about my adventure trip. It might have ended in disaster but I recommend that even if your dream leaves you standing outside a barbed-wire fence with your head shaved, it’s The last day felt like I was worth giving it a try. In the next few days we being released from prison
Photo: Simon Stewart
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Mating Calls:
Sounds of the Ur b a n Ju ng l e
M
odern day living arrangements inherently have their pros and cons. One pro that immediately springs to mind is the convenience of always having someone nearby to go and borrow the infamous cup of sugar from. Although people rarely actually do that, so let’s just make the cup of sugar a metaphor for any situation in which you may have found yourself in need of the services of a neighbour. Chances are you’re more likely to actually borrow a pair of jumper cables or some series from your fellow city slickers than ever borrowing sugar. Never the less, it’s always good to know the nearest 24/7 fast food joint is never far away. Then again, living in the urban jungle also comes hand in hand with some obvious disadvantages. All of us will at some point
or another in your lives probably have lived in an apartment building, a hostel, a share house or a complex. Some of the notso-nice characteristics of these above-mentioned dwellings can include an annoying dog over the fence that somehow always knows exactly the precise moment that you decide to go to sleep, and suspicious looking underwear on the washing line next door always seems to pop up just when you decide to invite people over for a sophisticated dinner. I understand that living in close proximity to other people inevitably comes with these slight inconveniences.
love making. If we live in an urban jungle, how can we expect not to stumble upon the occasional mating call?
I am sure you will agree with me that it always seems to be that the neighbour will be having an extremely good streak of jungle luck when it just so happens that you yourself have not seen ass for the past 6 months. There is nothing, nothing worse than overhearing the pahpah-pah-pah-pah coming through the wall when you yourself are in desperate, desperate need of a good hanky-panky. So, no matter which side of the wall you find yourself on, here are some practical pointers to There is however one make urban living more such con that rises above bearable for all of us. all others, the ultimate First of all, there are many, suburban trademark noise many, many ways in which that we all have had to put up you can muffle the sounds with at one point or another. of your rumble and tumble. The unmistakable noise of The washing machine, your neighbour’s passionate
Nothing says “I’m getting jiggy” more than Roxette’s “Greatest Hits”
TV, CD player and tumble dryer all provide simple but effective background noise to your extra curricular activities. Some obvious advantages of making use of these everyday household appliances include getting your washing and business done all in one. Multitasking is the ultimate survival skill for any urban citizen. Furthermore, you can even incorporate your appliances to play supporting roles in your little pleasure playtime i.e. tumble on the tumble dryer. Always a fun way to wait for the spinning cycle to pass. Don’t get too comfortable in your disguises though. Your neighbour will obviously smell smoke if you play the same playlist every time you get down and funky. Nothing says “I’m getting jiggy” more than Roxette’s “Greatest Hits” blurting from your apartment when
everybody in the building knows that you usually listen to heavy metal. Then again, you can always just invite the neighbours over to join in the party, that way you don’t have to worry about what they might overhear. Seems to solve the problem. Unless of course you live next to your parents, or old people. Actually, if you live next to old people, you probably don’t have this problem because if you’re lucky they will have a problem of their own - a hearing problem. So why are you reading this anyway? If you can’t beat them and weren’t invited to join them, consider this before you pop your iPod in your ears: listen up, you might just pick up some good tips from your friendly neighbour, after all, he/she is the one actually getting some.
Photo: Simon Stewart