BRING OUT THE DEAD! Dear __________,
BRING OUT THE DEAD! Dear __________,
I wanted to tell you this in person, but I knew
I wanted to tell you this in person, but I knew
that you’d get all __________ and cry and shit. You
that you’d get all __________ and cry and shit. You
know that makes me feel like __________. So, I decided
know that makes me feel like __________. So, I decided
to push this note under your ____________ and run
to push this note under your ____________ and run
away instead. I know you’ll understand.
away instead. I know you’ll understand.
Last night your ____________ called me and told
Last night your ____________ called me and told
me that your __________ died. He/She was hit by a
me that your __________ died. He/She was hit by a
_____________ while _____________ing. He/She died
_____________ while _____________ing. He/She died
__________ly and I guess that makes it better, but not
__________ly and I guess that makes it better, but not
really all that much better. But hey, we gotta take what
really all that much better. But hey, we gotta take what
we can get, otherwise life would be horrible.
we can get, otherwise life would be horrible.
The cops told me to tell you that there was
The cops told me to tell you that there was
___________. The corpse can be claimed at __________.
___________. The corpse can be claimed at __________.
You should get down there right away before it begins to
You should get down there right away before it begins to
__________. Or someone misplaces ____________.
__________. Or someone misplaces ____________.
If you want to come over later, after you’re done crying,
If you want to come over later, after you’re done crying,
or whatever, please don’t hesitate. We can talk and play
or whatever, please don’t hesitate. We can talk and play
video games. I just got an X–Box!
video games. I just got an X–Box!
Until next time,
Until next time,
HEY, VENEREAL DISEASE! Dear ______________,
HEY, VENEREAL DISEASE! Dear ______________,
Remember that rash that showed up last week?
Remember that rash that showed up last week?
Well, it wasn’t poison ivy. I went to the doctor today and
Well, it wasn’t poison ivy. I went to the doctor today and
he told me I had a bad case of ___________. I got it from
he told me I had a bad case of ___________. I got it from
_____________. I guess we should have been using
_____________. I guess we should have been using
__________ last week like you suggested. But I can’t get
__________ last week like you suggested. But I can’t get
into it with a ___________ getting in the way. It just
into it with a ___________ getting in the way. It just
takes the mood out of it, you know? Well, regardless, I
takes the mood out of it, you know? Well, regardless, I
am beginning to feel we should have _________ anyway.
am beginning to feel we should have _________ anyway.
The doctor said the first ___________ will be the
The doctor said the first ___________ will be the
inability to __________ and then pus will start seeping
inability to __________ and then pus will start seeping
from your __________. The doctor said it clears up in
from your __________. The doctor said it clears up in
about a ________________ for women, but for men its
about a ________________ for women, but for men its
permanent. Sorry to be the one to tell you, but
permanent. Sorry to be the one to tell you, but
____________ from now on is out of the question. With
____________ from now on is out of the question. With
anyone, but especially with me. No way am I letting you
anyone, but especially with me. No way am I letting you
__________ your __________ in my __________.
__________ your __________ in my __________.
Hope everything goes okay.
Hope everything goes okay.
It was nice knowing you.
It was nice knowing you.
Sincerely,
Sincerely,
YOU’RE FIRED
YOU’RE FIRED
After your last performance review and annual
After your last performance review and annual
summary of you professional profile, I am ___________
summary of you professional profile, I am ___________
to inform you that you are being ____________.
to inform you that you are being ____________.
To begin with, we’ve had complaints that you
To begin with, we’ve had complaints that you
often smell of ____________. Our company handbook
often smell of ____________. Our company handbook
states that you are not allowed to wear _________ to the
states that you are not allowed to wear _________ to the
office. We’ve had _______ grievances filed against you
office. We’ve had _______ grievances filed against you
for sexual harassment. “____________________” is not
for sexual harassment. “____________________” is not
a compliment anymore these days.
a compliment anymore these days.
We hereby give you a _____________ day notice
We hereby give you a _____________ day notice
of termination. All of us on the Board are very happy to
of termination. All of us on the Board are very happy to
get the chance to sack you. We never liked you and this
get the chance to sack you. We never liked you and this
is a pleasure. Please remove all of your personal belong-
is a pleasure. Please remove all of your personal belong-
ings from your ____________ by ____________ O’ clock
ings from your ____________ by ____________ O’ clock
on ____________. You must also turn in your company
on ____________. You must also turn in your company
____________ and ____________. No taking home toilet
____________ and ____________. No taking home toilet
paper or paperclips. We counted every one. We’ll know.
paper or paperclips. We counted every one. We’ll know.
Your final paycheck may be mailed to you at
Your final paycheck may be mailed to you at
home. If we get to it. Meanwhile, it may benefit your
home. If we get to it. Meanwhile, it may benefit your
career if you took some courses in ____________.
career if you took some courses in ____________.
Best wishes,
Best wishes,
FENDER BENDER To whom it may concern,
FENDER BENDER To whom it may concern,
Thanks to the city’s _________ design of parking
Thanks to the city’s _________ design of parking
spaces, I ended up hitting your __________ while trying
spaces, I ended up hitting your __________ while trying
to squeeze into a parking spot. What do you expect, your
to squeeze into a parking spot. What do you expect, your
vehicle is ______________? It seems only fitting that you
vehicle is ______________? It seems only fitting that you
should take up ___________ spaces while I get to park in
should take up ___________ spaces while I get to park in
____________. Just because your car is more
____________. Just because your car is more
____________ than mine doesn’t give you the right to
____________ than mine doesn’t give you the right to
_____________.
_____________.
I think your car is a piece of
I think your car is a piece of
__________. Frankly, I’m ____________ that I hit your
__________. Frankly, I’m ____________ that I hit your
damn _____________. Maybe you’ll learn a lesson.
damn _____________. Maybe you’ll learn a lesson.
Actually, in all honesty I have seen your car around
Actually, in all honesty I have seen your car around
___________ before, and I always wanted to _________
___________ before, and I always wanted to _________
it. But I didn’t hit you on purpose, and I can prove it
it. But I didn’t hit you on purpose, and I can prove it
because you weren’t in the car at the time. Trust me if I
because you weren’t in the car at the time. Trust me if I
was going to ______________ your car I’d at least make
was going to ______________ your car I’d at least make
sure you were in it.
sure you were in it.
I’m uninsured so use your cell phone and call someone who ____________! Happy trails, (Don’t sign name)
I’m uninsured so use your cell phone and call someone who ____________! Happy trails, (Don’t sign name)
I’M PREGNANT, YOU LOSE! Dear ______________, I know I told you I was using ____________ as birth control, but I lied. I don’t even know what it is.
I’M PREGNANT, YOU LOSE! Dear ______________, I know I told you I was using ____________ as birth control, but I lied. I don’t even know what it is.
Please don’t be _____________. I just love you so
Please don’t be _____________. I just love you so
much and we’ve been fighting and _____________ing
much and we’ve been fighting and _____________ing
lately and I didn’t want to lose you.
lately and I didn’t want to lose you.
I know you’re _________ right now, but just
I know you’re _________ right now, but just
wait. Please at least think about it. But even if you leave
wait. Please at least think about it. But even if you leave
me, at least I’ll have the baby to remind me of you.
me, at least I’ll have the baby to remind me of you.
I think we should get married and give this baby
I think we should get married and give this baby
a __________ family. You know that would be the right
a __________ family. You know that would be the right
thing to do. You wouldn’t _________ your own child
thing to do. You wouldn’t _________ your own child
would you?
would you?
Please don’t ask me to get an/a ___________. You know I’m religious and don’t believe in __________.
Please don’t ask me to get an/a ___________. You know I’m religious and don’t believe in __________.
Just remember that if you don’t marry me, I’ll
Just remember that if you don’t marry me, I’ll
have to tell the _____________ about our age differ-
have to tell the _____________ about our age differ-
ences. You know I’m only _______ years old and you are
ences. You know I’m only _______ years old and you are
_______. In some states that’s considered ___________,
_______. In some states that’s considered ___________,
except in Mississippi.
except in Mississippi.
Your honeybunch,
Your honeybunch,
IT’S EASY TO OUTGROW YOU Dear __________, This is very __________ for me to say but I think it is only fair I tell you.
IT’S EASY TO OUTGROW YOU Dear __________, This is very __________ for me to say but I think it is only fair I tell you.
There’s a reason why every time you invite me
There’s a reason why every time you invite me
out I’m too __________ to go with you. I’m sure some
out I’m too __________ to go with you. I’m sure some
of my excuses seemed a little __________. Like that time
of my excuses seemed a little __________. Like that time
I told you I caught the ________________. I was so
I told you I caught the ________________. I was so
embarrassed when I told you I was __________ and we
embarrassed when I told you I was __________ and we
wound up in the same movie theater. I didn’t think you
wound up in the same movie theater. I didn’t think you
liked ____________ movies and I thought it was safe.
liked ____________ movies and I thought it was safe.
The truth is I’ve been avoiding you. I know we’ve
The truth is I’ve been avoiding you. I know we’ve
been friends for _________ years, and I’ll never forget
been friends for _________ years, and I’ll never forget
that __________ donation you gave me to save my
that __________ donation you gave me to save my
__________. You named your _________ after me and
__________. You named your _________ after me and
gave me your __________. That’s why this is so hard to
gave me your __________. That’s why this is so hard to
say. I just feel like we’ve grown __________. We don’t
say. I just feel like we’ve grown __________. We don’t
have that much _________ anymore. Sure we had good
have that much _________ anymore. Sure we had good
times ________ing and __________ing but let’s face it
times ________ing and __________ing but let’s face it
we’re not __________ anymore. These things happen. I
we’re not __________ anymore. These things happen. I
hope there’s no ____________ feelings.
hope there’s no ____________ feelings.
Your old pal (but not anymore),
Your old pal (but not anymore),