Kim Alexis Adversario

It ends with you

Kim Alexis Adversario

Trigger Warning // rape, coming out, mental illness/suicide

Generational trauma is a broad phrase, never elaborated. Used to justify our actions and thoughts, Blame our shortcomings and unhappiness. Facing the circumstances will allow us to heal.

Generational trauma is how quiet you are when you meet peopleNever knowing if you are allowed to speak, constantly looking for permission. Your parents were the ones who could only speak when spoken to, Yet, you choose to sit back and observe until you know what is acceptable.

Generational trauma is how pious you were bred to be. It’s how the church took advantage of your family’s poverty, How your father could only go to seminary school, how you are related to nuns and priests. The Catholic guilt you feel is because your relatives believe they owe all successes to the Church.

Generational trauma is how adamant you are to break gender roles. Your mother grew up with five other sisters and an image to uphold. It was to keep herself attractive- no scars, smooth hair, small waist, modesty and chastity. You think your fight towards feminism can’t be accomplished if your own mother cannot be changed.

Generational trauma is how secretive you are about your sexuality. Your grandfather shuns your aunt for loving a woman and your unmarried uncle for having a child. There’s no need to acknowledge it if you will only hurt others. Not only are you afraid to come out, but your parents don’t even know you were taken advantage of.

Generational trauma is how wary you are about relationships. Marriage is a prison, the way your parents can never escape each other. Being forced to choose a side just for them to make up. Claiming you are too independent, but you’re just afraid to be vulnerable.

Generational trauma is how lonely you always feel. Your people are strong; they’re innovative despite adversity, they smile through the pain. Depression is weakness, just pray and move on. How many times have you had to talk yourself off the edge alone in the dark?

You are your ancestors, but you have unlearned. Dig deeper to uncover the reasons for your perspective. Understand in order to break the trend. Generational trauma will be how you choose to live your life in spite of the way you were made to feel.

This poem is about how generational trauma has been generalized as a blanket struggle with living in the diaspora. Issues you never fully understood or experiences are passed down to you. Without realizing the history and the details of your family’s fears and worries, the ability to heal is blocked. Many Filipinx love their culture, but do not know how to separate the toxicity from it. Living in the diaspora and not seeing the family in front of you, it is so easy to move on from the chains that hold us to these defaults. Yet, the differences between who you are allowed to be at home and who you are outside are because of this ability to leave the traumas behind without addressing them.

Kim Alexis Adversario is an undergraduate student at Arizona State University studying Political Science and History. Going into college, she felt isolated from her community and was ashamed of who she is in alignment with Filipinx traditions. As she reconnects with the community, she wants to be able to aid in decolonization and activism for Filipinx in both the United States and the Philippines. Her social media is @adversariokim. Her personal twitter is @kimmywhy.