Why you need to be slightly mad to build

Why you need to be slightly

mad to build By Deb Smalley

We are building a new home and people say “That must be exciting”.

Actually, it’s more like trying to complete an enormous jig saw puzzle – with a chimpanzee assisting and the dog that has eaten several key pieces.

Oh well, it’s only the biggest investment most of us will ever make, no pressure then. I have noticed since the build started that the recycling bin is much fuller these days if you get my drift.

It all started with the barn when the timber poles somehow got lost in a transport yard and took months to replace.

When the metal cladding finally arrived, it was all scratched and then the roller door got damaged when it was installed. The company was foolish enough to later email a satisfaction questionnaire.

The bloke used some interesting words to provide the requested feedback; ‘blundering maladroit baboons’ were some.

So, the house started and first came the concrete placers – a sturdy breed noted more for strength and stamina than brain power.

On the cold and very early morning that the floor was poured, I offered to make coffee for the lads. One requested “Seven sugars thanks darl,” and I paused wondering if I had heard him correctly, and he quickly offered “Yep seven - I’ve cut down”. truck buried to the rear axle when they parked on the grass after being expressly told to stay on the shingle driveway by the bloke.

It was freezing cold, raining and I was very grumpy. I told the driver off using words (swearing), that a scaffolder (see concrete placer), would clearly understand and they all avoided eye contact with me for some time afterward.

The dog enjoys all of the visitors and tries to steal or beg tradie lunches daily. The roofers have chased him around the paddock with a pie bag in his mouth. He was also caught sneaking off with a bag of potato chips and has developed a shocking Gingernut habit. I think that he can hear the lid coming off the biscuit jar from at least one hundred metres.

He also stole and took a number of electrical switches into the paddock because they were plastic wrapped; he thought they were food.

Current issues are the plumber can’t figure out how the hot water heater will fit under the kitchen bench, the timber ceiling was designed incorrectly, and my expensive brass front door handle is missing. At least the bloke has not had any trips to hospital yet after another saw accident. It is early days however, and there are lots of nice cutting tools about.

The goal is to have a lovely home to enjoy and be proud of - but what does that look like? We have posh sounding rooms like a scullery and powder and mud rooms.

Obviously, you have to be on the same page as a couple building, but that does not always happen easily.

Our process involves a lot of negotiation (arguing with enthusiasm, manipulation and sulking)

Women love detail, colour and textures such as wallpaper, fabrics, candles and cushions. Professionals call it layers, but the bloke thinks I have an out-of-control cushion addiction bordering on psychosis.

I am disqualified from purchasing any further but I am distracting myself by now buying mirrors and lights. I picked a colour for the external cladding that was described in the catalogue as a warm greige or brown grey and refined. The bloke just said “It’s just grey” and hates it. The internet says it is one of Dulux’s most popular colours, but the bloke still says NO. Sleep can be difficult. When I was ordering the plumbing stuff, I used to be awake at 2am considering taps, mixers and bath spouts.

Later it was kitchen design and now I’m trying to finalize flooring, but the bloke has vetoed the tiles for the laundry, saying they look like the floor of every public toilet floor block. Bullocks!

Luckily, he has been super busy building which keeps him occupied and tired, so he mostly stays away from my decorative stuff. I say that when he is not building his official role is the naysayer – the formal disapprover. He was quite worried when I chose black wallpaper with a gold pineapple pattern for the entrance foyer.

Luckily for him it didn’t work out, so now I have found black paper with metallic gold bees instead; it’s totally different I say.

I have a jungle pattern in the powder room (guest loo with a basin and mirror). It has monkeys, leopards and some weird lizard thing.

The bee pattern got used again in a different colour somewhere else in the house and there is a Wild Bird in Ornate Swamp pattern going in the master bedroom. Well, that’s not what it’s called obviously, but it is a fair description. I think that the wallpaper lady at Hubbers hides from me now and I’m on the SPCA’s suspect weirdo list. Let’s not talk about the taxidermy.

Recently I’ve been selecting paint for the inside and the navy-blue sample I have painted up is making the bloke nervous again.

I should do some orange and purple test pots too, I bet the blue would get past him then without any further issues.

The windows come on Friday and if I can ever get my hands on the door hardware (handles and internal bits), we might get our internal door order delivered soon too. I told the bloke the other day “I just love the colour of the brushed brass handles; they will look amazing on the black doors”. He just blinked and repeated slowly “black doors?”

The next potential sticking point will be Gib board. Every time I see a truck loaded up with it and driving around town, I wonder why a Securitas truck and guards do not escort it.

The bloke has ordered it from a couple of places, so he is feeling confident it will come. “You will be in for Christmas” some bystanders say. Like hell we will! I have no intention of putting pressure on us, suppliers or trades people, just so others can drop ham and spill wine on my new carpet as soon as possible.

I will be very happy in our little flat where there is no requirement for over-the-top Christmas decorations or hosting vast meals and parties.

There is no timeframe - we will move in when it is finished and I will enjoy my last summer of no gardening and low expectations by limited numbers of guests. I’ll let you all know when the housewarming is.