I don’t want a fuss

By Gillian Boyes, Funeral Directors Association CEO.

Shortly after I began in this role I spoke to my parents about their wishes for a funeral.

“I don’t want a fuss,” said my mum. “And it’s so expensive,” dad added.

It’s a common refrain and as a newcomer to the industry was one I was initially challenged to respond to. But over the last few months I’ve come to understand why some kind of farewell is essential to those of us left behind.

Some of the early healing can help when you’re preparing for a funeral

Going through old photos and reminiscing and sharing stories can be a powerful way to remember the significance of the life of your loved one. There will be laughter as well as tears and it can be an important bonding time for your family.

An ‘event’ helps a family move through the grief process

The funeral ‘event’ can help you begin to acknowledge the reality that someone in your life has died. Grief is a biological reaction, and it can be externalised though the event –something that will help with your immediate and future mental wellbeing.

Funerals help us recall and remember – and even learn about a loved one

How many times have you sat through a funeral eulogy and realised you didn’t know a certain fact about someone? Sharing unique memories and stories helps provide support to all those who attend.

They can involve people near and far

Many funeral homes now offer livestreaming of services reducing the cost and burden on physically attending.

Traditional, scripted services are no longer the norm

Modern funerals are personalised and can encompass whatever a family needs to help them farewell their loved one in a meaningful way. Venues these days, for instance, range from churches and chapels to sports clubs, theatres, or the local club. And families are encouraged to add their own touches and tributes – both to save money but to also make it meaningful for them.

Your needs are just as important as those of the person who died

Finally, people often think they must ‘respect a person’s wishes’. But what about your own? You’re the one left behind so it’s important for you and your own wellbeing that you get that chance to say goodbye, and to have support around you.

If you genuinely fear disrespecting their wishes, have ‘that’ conversation. It doesn’t have to be morbid or difficult – after all you’ll be talking to the person you love most, and they’ll understand you will need help to carry on without them.

Luckily, my parents were already planning to use a Funeral Directors Association member so I don’t have to have that conversation. But with my new found knowledge I’ve also been able to talk to them about what I need from the funeral itself. And at least a little bit of fuss is what’s right for me.