5
PRINCIPLES FOR A POSITIVE MIND
MARK BREWER
5 Principles For A Positive Mind By Mark Brewer
www.shiftingtopositive.com
Simple Steps to Dealing with Personal Frustration & Disappointment One of the most common things I see on forums and in emails is something we all share: disappointment and frustration with ourselves.
We all feel this at times, because we constantly fail to live up to our high standards: •
We aren’t as disciplined as we’d like.
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We don’t stick to habits we’re trying to create.
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We aren’t as productive as we plan to be.
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We leave small personal tasks and large work tasks undone.
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We fail in exercising as much as we’d like, and eating as healthily as we want.
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We fail in being the best parent, partner, friend, as we think we should be.
We should, we should, but we don’t. And that is frustrating and disappointing. We all feel it, so much of the day. A friend of mine confided in me recently as his marriage was breaking down. He expressed the disappointment in himself because he hadn’t achieved all the
things he’d hoped to do, and I saw myself in him: I am never all that I hope to be. I constantly fail, like everyone else. So what can we do about it? I’ll share some of the strategies I’ve been using lately to deal with this, and hope that these tips can serve as a guide to all of us (myself included) in dealing with these difficult feelings.
Step 1: Spotting the Signals The first step, as always, is awareness: pause right now and turn inward, to see if you are feeling frustrated or disappointed with yourself for anything. Are there any goals you haven’t accomplished? Habits you haven’t stuck to? Good eating habits you’ve let slide? Relationships you’re not working on? Skills you’d like to learn that you haven’t devoted time to? Errands or tasks that aren’t getting done? Projects that you’ve procrastinated on? What kinds of feelings come up for you? These feelings are signals that you have expectations of yourself that you aren’t meeting. We all have them, all the time, and we can’t help but continually hope we’ll do better. These expectations aren’t realistic, but when we fail to meet them, we tend to think they’re realistic but it’s our actual selves that are the failure.
Step 2: Giving Yourself Space Now that we see the signals, we want to give these feelings a little space. Allow them to be here in us, without trying to push them away, without wishing we didn’t have them. Give the feelings a little breathing room. How do these feelings feel in your body? Where are they? What kind of energy do they have? See that you’re feeling bad (“suffering,” the Buddhists would say) and know that this is normal, and perfectly OK.
Step 3: Giving Yourself Compassion If your friend were hurting like this, how would you comfort this friend? Could you give him or her a hug, some words of compassion, some love? Take a moment and do the same for yourself. You are no less worthy of a hug, some love, some kind words. As silly as it might seem, tell yourself you deserve this compassion.
Step 4: See the Greatness of the Present Now that we’ve comforted ourselves a bit, let’s change the story we’re telling ourselves. The story so far has been: you aren’t good at X. (Whatever X is.) And so we feel bad about not being good at X. Let’s turn from the self we haven’t been, to the self we have been. This self might have “failed” at X, but it has also succeeded in lots of other ways. This self has tried. It has gotten a lot done. It’s not perfect, but it has good intentions. This self has been the best it can be, even if that means imperfection. This self has cared, has loved, has strived for better, has made an effort, has wanted the best for others. Not always, but it has. This self deserves that kind of recognition, and love for being the best self it can be. Now turn to the present moment: in this moment, what are you like? What about yourself, and the moment that you’re in, can you find things to be grateful for? What is great about yourself, and the present moment, right now?
Step 5: Work with Curiosity Finally, going forward, let’s practice tossing out our expectations of how we’re going to do today (and in life in general), and instead adopt an attitude of curiosity. We don’t know how we’re going to do at work, or in our relationships, or with our personal habits. We can’t know. So let’s find out: what will today be like? How will it go? Be curious, in an attitude of not-knowingness.
It’s fun to find out things! Yes, expectations will come up for us, and we will fail to live up to them, and we will feel frustration and disappointment again. This will happen, and this too will be a bit disappointing, because we want to be perfect at being curious and present. We’ll have to repeat the process when we notice this happening. That’s OK. That’s how it works — constantly renewing, never done. But as we get better at this, I promise, we’ll learn to see things with a new curiosity, with a gratitude for every moment that we meet, and with a more loving and kind view of constantly failing but constantly striving selves. These selves are wonderful, and that realization is worth the ever-constant journey.
Worrying About What You’re Not Doing? In any given moment, many of us are thinking or worrying about what we’re not doing. We feel guilty that we’re not doing more. Worried that we’re not as productive as we could be. Guilty that we procrastinate. We feel guilty that we don’t exercise more, eat right, have better bodies. We worry that we should be doing something better, something more amazing, doing what the amazing people we see in the media are doing. We worry about what we have to do later, what’s going to happen next, where we’re going. We worry about the goals we’re not reaching, or that we might not reach. We feel guilty that we’ve failed in our many attempts at achieving these goals or habits. We worry about what other people are doing, the ones we see in social media, the ones whose pictures in Instagram look more amazing than our lives. We feel guilty that we aren’t perfecting ourselves. That we aren’t doing the perfect thing right now. This is perfectly natural, and there’s nothing wrong with this worry and guilt. We all feel it. I’ve probably felt it about a dozen times just this morning. But there is another way. Allow me to share this way with you today.
The Fallacy of What You’re Not Doing I think we have an idea that in an alternate universe, there’s a version of ourselves that could be living a more amazing life. That is perfectly productive (no procrastination!), that doesn’t get distracted, that hits all kinds of goals. At the same time, this person is also travelling, having amazing experiences, living the high life with great friends and a wonderful partner. This person is learning all kinds of new skills, reading, learning about fascinating topics. With a great body, of course. This alternate self, of course, doesn’t exist, and never will. All we have is this plain ol’ regular self. We’re stuck with it. So we should make the best of what we have. Take a look at the current-reality self and say, “Hey, you’re OK. You’re pretty awesome in many ways. In some ways you’re flawed. That’s how all Earthlings are, actually. In any case, you’re good enough. Oh, and btw, I love you.” There’s no perfect version of your life, of you. There’s no perfect thing you should be doing now, no perfect sequence of things you should be doing today. There’s just what this moment is … including your dissatisfaction with this moment and yourself (and other people). This dissatisfaction is part of the moment you’re stuck with. So we can be dissatisfied with this moment, or practice being satisfied with it.
Satisfaction & Appreciation of This Plain Ol’ Moment The other way that I mentioned above is a simple (but not easy) practice: •
Pause, and notice that you’re worried about what you’re not doing. Notice the feeling of dissatisfaction with yourself or this current moment.
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Accept your feeling of dissatisfaction as a part of you, and just allow yourself to feel it. Notice the sensations of this feeling in your body.
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Turn to the current moment: what are you doing right now? Be completely present with the physical sensations of whatever activity you’re doing.
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Notice that this current moment is absolutely enough. It doesn’t need to be different, doesn’t need to be more. It’s great already, in its own way. And so are you.
This is a practice, and it’s not something that’s easy to perfect. You just remind yourself, and forget, and remind yourself, and forget. That’s the fun of it. This method, by the way, is as much a note to myself to remember to do this as it is a guide to anyone else who might find some use in it. May this moment, and the next, be full of enough-ness for you.
Practicing Non-Judgment
We often go through our day judging our experiences, other people, ourselves: this is good, this is bad. If all goes well, most of it will be good, but more than we realize, we dislike certain experiences, things about other people, and about ourselves. We “like” online comments by others, or pages on the Internet. We give a thumbs up or thumbs down to movies, to restaurant experiences, songs. It’s ingrained into our thinking processes. What would it be like to drop all of that judging, as good and bad? What would it be like to simply experience something, without any judgment? Try it now: sit here in this moment, and don’t think about whether it is good or bad … just observe the sensations of the moment. Don’t think about those sensations, just allow them. These sensations are just phenomena in our world, happening without any good or bad intention, just happening. They aren’t happening “to” us, nor are they there “for” us. They just happen, without thinking about us as the center of the universe.
What I’ve noticed, when I experience anger, frustration, disappointment … is that I am judging my experiences (and others, and myself) based on whether they are what I want, whether they are good for me or not. But why am I at the center of the universe? What about the other person? What about the rest of the universe? If I drop away my self-centeredness, I no longer have reason for frustration. The experiences are just happening, and have nothing to do with me. They are neither good nor bad, they’re just happening. Now, I realize we can’t do this all the time — as humans, it’s part of our experience to judge. And that’s OK. I’m simply suggesting that, some of the time, we drop the judgment and just allow the experience. Just see what that’s like. And be OK with that too.
7 Effective Strategies for Dealing with Toxic People Are there people who constantly criticize you, tell you that you can’t do things, make you feel bad about yourself, even yell at you? These are toxic people. Dealing with them is never easy, but it’s such a difficult problem that it’s worth looking at some strategies you might consider. I was reminded of this problem by someone recently, who asked, “What if toxic people are my family? How do I shut them out? What if I can’t find the courage to rise above them?” I have to confess, there aren’t any easy answers. I’ve used a number of strategies in my life, and I’ll share what I’ve tried: 1. Practice self-compassion when you’re feeling bad. This is always my first step these days, as I’ve learned how useful this method is. Think about it: if you’re feeling bad because of someone else’s behavior, you might show your anger or irritation in your actions and words, and that only makes that person more likely to be toxic. Your bad feelings are not only horrible for you, but for the situation. So try this when you notice you’re feeling bad from someone else’s actions/words: turn inward and notice your feelings, instead of avoiding them. What do they feel like in your body? After a minute, try creating a feeling of love towards yourself. Wish yourself happiness, and an end to your suffering. Wish yourself a life of joy and peacefulness. This won’t magically cure the pain, but it’s a good place to start. 2. Talk to other people. I’ve found that when I’m hurting, I often don’t want to admit it to other people, but then when I talk to someone about it, I inevitably feel better. So take the plunge and talk to someone. Share your feelings, ask for them to listen, maybe even give advice. The advice doesn’t matter so much as the connection and listening. Avoid turning the conversation into
rant about whoever has upset you. This will only fuel the bad feelings and make them stronger. This reminds me of a perfect quote for these situations:
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” - Buddha 3. Practice empathy and compassion. Try practicing the same compassion method towards the person who frustrates you. In your heart, wish them happiness. See that they’re also going through difficulties, like you are, and that’s why they act that way. Wish for an end to their suffering. Wish them a life of joy and ease. 4. Talk to the toxic person. Once you start to feel more compassionate towards the other person, talk to them. Yes, they might not act in a compassionate and peaceful way towards you, but you can be the better person. You can see that they’re suffering in some way, and are acting inappropriately because of that suffering. Try connecting with them, sharing that you’re having a hard time, asking for their support. This might not always turn out well, but if you do it in a spirit of connection, they might be open to this discussion. 5. Model the behavior you want to see. Often I get mad at other people for getting mad at me, and then I’m doing the same thing they are, behaving badly because they behaved badly. Even if I feel it’s their fault, my behavior escalates the situation. So I try to show how to deal with frustration, try to be compassionate with them, try to show a positive way of dealing with things. And often that can have a great effect, even if it’s not immediate. 6. Find more positive friends. If all of this isn’t working, it helps to find other people who are more aligned with the way you want to live. People who are creative, entrepreneurial, self-sufficient, excited about things, positive, healthy, happy. Find them in your local running club, yoga or crossfit class, Toastmasters, volunteer organizations. Find them online in various positive communities. Take the plunge and reach out, develop relationships. Buy someone tea or coffee and start a friendship. One by one, nurture the relationships that have a positive influence in your life, and be a positive influence in theirs. I’ve done this in my life, and it’s made a huge difference.
7. Cut them out. It’s a harsh thing, but when family members aren’t supportive of me, if they’re constantly critical and angry … and none of the above works … I will just stop seeing them as much. I’ll do my own thing. See other friends. That’s harder to do, of course, when they live with you, but even then you can go out for a run, take a hike and see nature, meditate, create. Don’t let the thinking about toxic people be the thing you focus on all day — put your mind in more peaceful, creative, positive places.
How to Banish Procrastination with Daily Training We all do it: our best intentions are to go to the gym, get started on writing something, practice learning a new language … but then we procrastinate. “Procrastination is the thief of time.” – Edward Young There isn’t a person on this planet who’s immune to the procrastination habit. How do we defeat this habit? Just as an athlete would, or a world-class chess player: regular daily training sessions. The problem, of course, is that we’re likely to put off the sessions! The only way around that is to 1. Find your motivation, and 2. Start as quickly and easily as possible. Make it so easy you can’t say no, and find a way to not let yourself say no. Here’s how: 1. Commit to doing daily 5-10 minute un-procrastination training sessions. Tell someone you’ll give them $100 (or do something embarrassing, maybe) if you miss a day. 2. Set a reminder for first thing in the morning, when you usually start work or study. Whenever you open your computer, basically. A big note near your computer is a good idea. 3. When you open your computer, before you do anything else, do your unprocrastination training session. 4. Here’s what you do: pick a task you’ve been procrastinating on, clear aside everything else, and do that task for 5-10 minutes. That’s it. You can stop after that.
5. Notice when you have the urge to switch tasks, to do something easier or more comfortable. Pause, watch the urge, let it go. Then return to the task. Don’t let yourself switch. That’s it! Do this daily for a week, then increase to 10-15 minutes. Do that for two weeks, and on your fourth week, increase to 20 minutes. You’ll be a rock star after a month of training.