“Worth” by Tayler Hodges

Why are you so hard on yourself?

I watch the question suspend in the air like a balloon And I think of what answer to give that is pointy enough to rip it out of the air.

Why am I so hard on myself?

How do I tell him that it started in 3rd grade? When the boys berated me about my body When they introduced me to a word that I know too well

Fat, obese, overweight No matter what word they use They all sting the same

The age of 12 When the doctor dared to use the word “diet” He talked about my weight as if I didn’t Already know that I was different The bullies made sure of that

To this day I hate going to the doctor It’s not due to a fear of phlebotomists Or the stench of sanitizer

It is the guarantee that He will comment on my girth.

He does it every time.

I came in to be treated for strep He points to the scale in the corner

I came in to talk about my anxiety He admires my abdomen

Each visit feels like I am being Scolded for getting a bad grade in science Except I am graded on the number that is shown on the scale

The numbers creeping down Are rewarded no matter What I had to do to get them To trend downward.

The worst part is that It isn’t just him who feels that way.

It is different when a doctor Or a bully is the one who belittles.

But how can I ignore it When it come from familiar faces

Family

I watched her. She had been starving herself But when she stepped on that scale The nurse congratulated her

It didn’t matter how pale, placid And sickly she seemed

All that mattered was that The numbers on the scale Went down.

It only cost her Her decency

When did weight become The sole indicator of worth?