DECLASSIFIEDS

Too scared to ask out that hot girl from Rels class? Have a thought you’re dying to share? Did a professor say something strange or funny? Do you have some information that you want to get out to the student body? Whatever it is, the declassifieds are here for you.

Submit yours at www.marshillnewspaper.com/declassifieds

I can’t believe you’ve done this i really just sprained my ankle over break. ain’t that something

Hanneliese Laskowski’s actual first name is Ham, like the meat. She calls herself “Hanneliese” because she hates the taste of all swine products and doesn’t want to be a hypocrite. She does like chicken though.

I will admit... I had a slight crush on Adrienne Castello, she’s an awesome prof and TWU is worse off with her gone I met someone, and she is the world to me.

Becky is the best professor to exist and you cannot change my mind egg Does it feel good to pick over our corpse? Does it feel right? Does it feel just?

From last issue “stfu we all are privileged to go here” has to be the most accurate statement I’ve read in a while.

F-king vultures

Not sure if I’m “that one white girl” who wore “braids and got away with it”, that was mentioned in the last Declassified, but I have a feeling I might be. It was just three tight braids that my non-white roommate did and I’m not going to take them out when she passionately worked hard to do them. It’s not really anyone’s business and doesn’t harm anyone. Supporting the liberation of black and coloured people does not mean disconnecting from your diverse community.

Trinity’s insistence on silencing any queer voices is ironically encouraging people to become queer allies.

Diego I love your writing I might be your biggest fan fned does not know who this “fjord” is. fned is unconcerned.

Fned is the king does “fjord” have custom hoodies? fned doesn’t think so. fned will soon.

Fned rules with extreme authority! This fjord knows nothing.

TWU announce an event more than 2 days before it happens challenge

No but like why did I find out about LNAP literally two days before it happened I fought another 30-year old today - Kelsy

Bentz

Hate to always be the person with problems...but depression is kicking my ass and its lasting multiple semesters

Dear Provost, please stop your spiritually abusive sermons at FBM. You are NOT our pastor but our academic leader.

Todd Martin, why rebuke faculty for not attending contractual events? Have you ever asked yourself if maybe the event rather than the faculty is the issue.

Any up for a vote of non-confidence in the new provost?

FNED Superiority

Don’t tailgate someone… you never know if it’s your professor oops

TWU groups host a movie night and then show the safest, most boring (often animated) choices. Spice it up! Show something interesting or exciting! Not that animated movies are bad, it’s just unfortunate that movies for 10 year olds are the constant go-to!

“The funny things is when you start feeling happy alone, that’s when everyone decides to be you”. -

Jim Carrey

Why do you mind if people put feet on chairs? I can’t hardly survive on a chair without feet up. I think as long as the shoes are clean and don’t wreck the chair, it’s fine. Have you noticed that chairs smell bad after people put feet on them?

Students on campus don’t have a living room to return to, so this kinda *is* their living room.

I don’t think fned can perish, as he is a sticker.

Mark’s husband

“Jesus brought Heaven to earth, you bring Hell to the stage” - Becky Man… Steven and Naomi should start dating They’re so cute together it makes my heart melt [smiley face with teary eyes emoji]

God Bless the people that make you smile and laugh.

I’m doing reading quizzes in 4th year this is absurd

“We can unwind on a Thursday night without falling into sin.”

CONGRATS TO THE UNIONIZED FACULTY!

Y’ALL ARE SUPERSTARS!!

FJORD is superior to fned

FJORD’s reach is worldwide, we even have a wikipedia page mcom 411 goes hard sometimes twusa-affiliated jobs >>> student life-affiliated jobs

Apply for Mars’ Hill 2023/2024!

Yo why tf are a cartoon character and a type of body of water beefing so hard?

Kids these days *tut tut*

I think I will continue to do declassifieds after I graduate. It’s my personal twitter

In the year of our lord 2023 why are we changing our clocks? We should be better than this. I for one am going to keep living life an hour later

Jocelyn Heyde for valedictorian!!! She is incredibly kind, inclusive, and has been a selfless servant to our campus. Plus I heard she’ll bake everyone cookies…

I would like to sit down and talk to the person who designed Seattle freeways and politely ask them why they put !&$+?£\@ entrances in the fast lane

I think I am blonde both in intelligence and in actuality

Wanna go crazy and maybe perhaps fall in love with me

It be like that

6 weeks and I’m gone. Suckers I’m out I like just want to make money and have plants ya know Give me pesticides or give me life

Eggs are bleeping expensive it’s that dang flu

“We are phantom pizza. We aren’t afraid of death.”

“yeah but everybody making out with the brothers in Christ all the time these days”

Oh, you didn’t know?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Fall and pray

End him slow

A student was assigned a crapload of homework. This is what happened to his will to continue.

Cut it out, I’m just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs!

This is madness. THIS IS SPARTA.

A student was assigned a crapload of homework. This is how his will to continue shut down.

Yes baby yes

Mark Husbands, thank you for giving us a faculty union!!!

It’s incredibly cold in here today

The paper towel dispensers that give you 5cm at once... go girl, give us nothing <3

Why my prof just don’t understand that nobody listen to his class because none of us understand what he is talking about?

[six smiling face with single tear emojis]

[ten angry face with censor bar emojis]

The bachelor *gag me* such a joke

Give me that sweet sweet fake love

Ring by spring more like… kids who don’t know what their next step is and just get married because it’s what you’re supposed to do

Last call for declassifieds like we are a bunch of drunks at the bar at 1AM......

Some water turned to whine please.

I don’t know who I am anymore

Mars’ Hill reserves the right to edit or reject submissions based on content and/or length. A printed submission does not reflect an endorsement of any kind, nor does it reflect the opinions of Mars’ Hill or its staff, the student association, or Trinity Western University.

My name is Benjamin Heigh, and my passion is beauty in all of its forms. I believe that beauty can be found in almost everything, but I enjoy creating it through my writing and visual art. I’m currently working through the education program with the hopes of becoming an art teacher.

When I first heard the prompt “Apex,” I thought of apex predators, so I wanted to include some kind of great creature, which is my most comfortable subject, but I also wanted to include other aspects and I landed on the meaning pertaining to the highest point of mountains. It’s funny because working on this, I’m at the “Apex” of my studies, finishing major projects and midterms, as I think most of us are.