Interview Rebel, rebel, dating online?

INTERVIEW Rebel rebel, dating offline?

Words by MARTINE AAMODT HESS

Whether it is the time-consuming nature of curating the perfect profile, the struggle to move beyond the talking stage or the ghosts you meet along the way, you are not alone in feeling defeated by dating apps. So why not try the hottest new trend of dating in real life?

It is a cold afternoon, but inside Little Nan’s bar in South East London, it is toasty. Twinkle lights are glowing softly against the arching brick walls, and the eclectic trinkets and kitschy mugs radiate a warmth of their own. The space is booked for a Fruit Salad Social, a monthly meetup for queer people wishing to take dating offline. As the sky turns dark blue, people start to appear, ordering mulled apple juice and sinking into crushed velvet chairs. Awaiting the night’s group of singles is a bundle of roses alongside a stack of conversation cards. Questions like “your thoughts on lemurs?”, “your favourite tradition?” and “the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?” will keep awkward silences at bay. Nervous laughter and sweaty introductions quickly turn into lively discussions involving Fiona Apple, queer cinema and what side of Tumblr you were on as a child. The atmosphere feels so organic, you almost forget that gathering for a night of in-person mingling is bold in this day and age.

In charge of it all is matchmaker Kim Malone Crossley, who is striving to offer an alternative to the all-too-familiar online dating fatigue. “There are dating apps or super expensive ways to be looking for your future wife, but there is nothing in the middle,” says the 26-year-old. Under the name ‘A Whole Orange Matchmaking’, Kim decided to fill that gap with their own singles’ mixers, one-to-one sessions and matching for queer people searching for romance. “When it’s solely on dating apps, you can lose the purpose of it.

You forget you are there to find someone you can connect with,” Kim says. They explain that when removed from the physical world, the focus quickly turns to the number of matches and how you appear to others, rather than figuring out what you want and communicating that. “Most people are presenting a very palatable version of themselves in their profile, and that is a very long-winded way of finding people who like you and who you can connect with.”

One of the people who have found their way to tonight’s social is Fliss Barrows, 23, who has the most prominent mullet of the group and is wearing a pair of heart-shaped earrings they made themselves. “I’ve tried online dating but not seriously. I have all of the apps but I just know I’m not going to meet up with these people,” they say, highlighting the difficulties of moving conversations offline. The explanations for this barrier are many, one being that it is hard to tell whether photos reflect reality and whether true personality shines through the text bubbles exchanged before a date. Fliss says they prefer meeting people in real life because there are no expectations. You either take it or leave it. “I love meeting people. I’m here because I met a person at a queer writing group that I only met because of somebody at the London film festival who invited me along,” they say.

“I’m the opposite. I never do stuff like this, so I decided to step out of my comfort zone,” says Eve Flude, 21. Seated next to Fliss, they are wearing a long knitted dress complete with a 70s inspired floral pattern, bought specifically for the occation. In line with the lesbian stereotype, Eve explains how despite never having properly dated, they found themselves rushing into serious relationships which started on dating apps. According to Kim, this is the case for a lot of queer people because there is a tendancy to settle for a relationship out of fear of the other options. In a heteronormative society, it can feel like the queer dating pool is incredibly limited and see that as enough reason to stay in a relationship that is not sustainable. “I recently redownloaded the apps because I was lonely, but I have been

Photo by Martine Aamodt Hess Kim’s events planner. were studying medicine in the Netherlands, where they also founded a feminist network. The decision to drop medicine and start a matchmaking service might not seem like an obvious transition, but Kim was eager to utilise the listening skills they had gained from talking to patients. Upon moving back to London, it felt intimidating to start from scratch and they reflected on how communities are created.

We’re just humans looking “ for other humans to spend time with. ”

following Kim for a while and I thought that instead of doing nothing on this app all day, I’m going to see what meeting people in person is like. It’s scary but fun,” Eve says. There is no denying that dating apps are flawed, but that is not to say dating in person is a bed of roses either. Making the first move is always daunting, especially when the norm is that most people are straight. Sometimes it feels easier to do nothing and simply hope your crush also happens to be queer and can sense you are daydreaming about them while listening to Mitski’s ‘Pink in the Night’. “Queer bars and clubs are the only places where you know that everyone else is queer,” Kim says. “On top of that, you have to be brave enough to ask if they are single. And that leads to alcohol, which is not the most efficient way to find the love of your life,” they add. Kim is, therefore, determined to organise the kind of socials where there is no need for liquid confidence. The result is singles’ events involving crafting, zine-making, nail salons and city farming. In other words, events where you can make connections without too much pressure on time, conversation or fiddling with your hands.

“I don’t identify as a woman but I want to be everyone’s big sister in the world of dating. I want to be a supportive voice,” Kim says. Before becoming a matchmaker, they Considering the relationships formed thanks to the network they had previously founded, Kim knew they had the potential to create a community that mattered. “When people want guidance, I want to provide that. I just want to hold your hand through the process because dating is fucking awful sometimes but it doesn’t have to be. We’re just humans looking for other humans to spend time with,” they say.

In the words of Kim, whether you are a total fairy who finds dating scary or if you identify as queer and spicey but your love life is dicey, searching for romance does not have to be a lonely journey. Navigating love is bound to be challenging but it is not necessarily made easier by repetitive online small talk or scrutinising dating profiles in search of potential red flags.

Regardless of your frustrations with dating apps, one thing is certain: if you think it is about time to reject the way we have been taught to date, Kim is ready to help you do so. “I think the concept of meeting someone in person - and sharing with a stranger your deepest desires and worries about dating and trusting me to find someone for you - is completely radical,” Kim says. You heard them, if you are ready for a hot queer summer, why not try something radical?

Photo by Martine Aamodt Hess

Fliss and Eve (from left) and their queer-themed stickers.