What Do I Do Now, Romona?

BOULDER COUNTY KIDS HEALTH WHAT DO I DO NOW, ROMONA?

Drawing by Fritz Scholder

Romona Scholder, M.A., RNCS Psychotherapist

QThey say that half of the population is depressed. What I am wondering is why half of the population isn’t? Are they doing something the other half should know about?

Signed concerned parent.

AThis question has always interested me, why different people react in different ways to the same situation. Why does one child in a dysfunctional family flourish while another is devastated? I asked an Italian child analyst that same question at a conference and she answered “Vitale!” A vital life force that we would call resilience, and that’s what you’re asking about. Resilience is the ability to bounce back quickly, the “glass is half full” folks who don’t stay down long. It seems both innate and learned. Resilience is built on a foundation of self- esteem, liking yourself, but not being egocentric, having confidence in yourself and your ability to pull through and survive adversity, realizing that “this too shall pass” and not getting bogged down in self-pity and feelings of victimization; are all essential to developing resilience. Ask yourself, what is your first response when something bad happens? Do you immediately wonder why bad things always happen to you? Why you can never catch a break? Or, do you get over the shock and move toward a solution. It’s easy to blame the “stars and planets” and much harder to develop resilience.

QWe are in our 30s and have a 4-year- old son who we seem to never have any time with because we are both working all the time. We are stressed out and we are frustrated. We are thinking of selling our house and getting an RV and spending the next year on the road. We want to simplify and enjoy our lives more. Are we crazy to even be thinking about this?

Signed Millennial parents.

ANo, you’re not crazy, you’re just Millennials! For people in my generation, the thought of impulsively pulling up stakes and becoming vagabonds for a year in a motor home to spend more time with your child feels wildly indulgent and maybe even irresponsible. But you’re right; you need to take care of yourself and your family because they must come first. You understand that if you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will, that security is internally regulated, not externally supplied. Fifty or sixty years ago, men would work for a company for life, knowing that company would care for them and their families until they died. Obviously, this is no longer true.

So when you make a decision today that feels selfish, it’s because you live in a selfish world where companies are no longer loyal to their employees and where you are in charge of your destiny. So sell your house and buy a camper and trundle on down the road. Take care of your family and your child in these tumultuous and difficult times. When you are ready to settle down once again, it will be with new knowledge and awareness.

QOur neighbor thinks the pandemic is a hoax and doesn’t wear a mask, has their friends over all the time and party. We are in a condo situation where we feel we need to be extra careful coming in and out. I am finding myself getting mad at this situation and they don’t even want to talk with us. (I think it is because we are Democrats.) Do you have advice on anger management for us?

Signed nice family who wants to be safe.

AThere’s a schism in this country that’s growing deeper by the day. It’s causing emotions to run high and anger is among them. We have to do what we can to slow down the splitting of our nation. May I suggest watching a documentary on Netflix called “A Social Dilemma.” It brings some clarity to the matter even if it’s not the total answer. It explains that the Internet on all its platforms wants to keep our interest and attention for as long as possible so they can show us lots of ads and sell us things. That’s the bottom line! The way they keep our attention is by showing us content that we like, such as cute cat videos or conspiracy theories, meditation tapes or QAnon messages. But whatever you click on, it will simply generate more of the same in your platform feed. That may seem like a small thing but what it does is reinforce what we already believe to the point where we demonize the other side. We are whipped into a frenzy of extreme dislike. People are victims of forces of which they are unaware. Perhaps knowing this will make you more willing to try to communicate with your neighbors.

mil·len·nial /miˈlenēəl/

noun plural noun: millennials

a person reaching young adulthood in the early 21st century. “the industry brims with theories on what makes millennials tick”

Translate millennials to Use over time for: millennials

Definitions from Oxford Languages

Ask Romona Email info@bouldercountykids.com and we will answer your questions.