Quitting the Chase: ESCAPE THE DIET CYCLE

By Sonia Jhas

What do you really want? You're likely chasing a lot of things right now—like money, beauty, prestige, and love. But why do you want those things? Are your goals really yours, or are they simply a reflection of what the #hashtag world has conditioned you to believe you want?

"Once I lose the weight, then . . . I'll feel like the 'real' me."

"When my muffin top is gone, then . . . I'll stop needing to edit my pictures."

"If I just drop down a couple more dress sizes, then . . . I'll be able to sign up for that dating app."

Sound familiar? I thought so. For a long time, my entire existence was consumed by that sort of narrative.

At the time, I didn't realize what I was doing to myself. I believed I was just the kind of gal who always had her eye on the prize because I was an unstoppable force dedicated to self-improvement. Sometimes it was about the number on the scale; sometimes, it was about fitting into certain clothes, and sometimes it was about achieving a certain "look." Whatever the goal, I truly believed that if I wanted it badly enough and that if I could just get there somehow . . . then—bam!—I'd also arrive at happiness.

Being goal-oriented had become such a habitual state for me that I felt like I had no identity without the "am I good enough to achieve?" narrative. Who was I without goals hanging over my head? Why was I so afraid of not having something to work toward? Would it always be a game of "more?" Would I ever be content? And if what I was working toward was always evolving into something else, then what was my motivation really based on? What did I really value?

Being goal-oriented had become such a habitual state for me that I felt like I had no identity without the "am I good enough to achieve?" narrative. Who was I without goals hanging over my head? Why was I so afraid of not having something to work toward? Would it always be a game of "more?" Would I ever be content? And if what I was working toward was always evolving into something else, then what was my motivation really based on? What did I really value?

Creating specific goals for yourself can be a strategic step to achieving the outcomes you're looking for in life, especially when it comes to your body. I'm a big believer in setting smart, realistic, actionable goals. However, if you're not careful, creating goals can also serve as comfortable busy work that keeps you from doing the real uncomfortable work. You know, the messy soul stuff like looking inward, understanding what really matters to you, clarifying your motivation, and, most importantly, finding joy along the way.

Here's the deal: the reason losing weight or getting fit, or achieving the body of your dreams feels both overwhelming during the journey and underwhelming when you achieve success is because you don't know what really matters to you.

When asked, most people will say that their primary focus when embarking on a new fitness or nutrition regimen is to feel a renewed sense of health and vitality. But is that really always true? Are most people really after health and vitality? Or is it about gaining respect from others and hearing it in the form of admiration and praise? Is it about finally feeling more beautiful?

Whether you're the kind of person who struggles to stay on track with fitness and nutrition for more than a couple of months or you're the type of person who can stick to the plan until you achieve your goals only to fall off the wagon shortly afterward, the first step in your journey is the same: you must clarify what's really driving you.

Let me give you a few examples of how I spent years missing the truth of who I really am and what I really cared about: Body. I was striving to be skinny when what I really needed was to feel strong, fit, and full of vitality.

Self-worth. I was striving to be perfect when I needed to feel confident and good in my skin as is.

Career. I was striving for a high-paying corporate job when what I really needed was to experience inspiration and fulfillment in a calling that was uniquely my own.

Once upon a time, I thought I was following an unconventional path by getting a commerce degree - when you're raised by Indian parents whose only hope is that you'll grow up to become an engineer or a doctor, getting a business degree is considered pretty risqué.

I successfully clawed my way through four years of undergrad, graduated on the dean's list, and accepted an incredible offer to start my career in an executive position at IBM. On paper, things looked pretty sweet for me. I had twisted myself into a perfect pretzel, I was succeeding to the level of everyone else's standards, and I was living some version of "the dream."

Yet the perfectionist in me constantly wanted more. After every achievement, I'd feel glorified for a split second, but then I'd feel untethered without another challenge to face.

I continued to find ways to chase more, and when there was nothing left, I desperately chased the idea of being "skinny." The gym became my happy place. I started eating well (or so I thought at the time), I trained hard (too hard), and I loved the progress that I was making (because my clothes started to get looser). I felt stronger than ever, I felt more intense than ever, and I was thriving off those endorphins.

Until it happened—my first grownup rebound. I should have known my streak wouldn't last because I had all the classic symptoms of burnout. Perma fatigue had set in, and I ate everything in sight. I was in ooey-gooey, cheesy, bready heaven until my skinny jeans got too tight for me to wear without muffin- topping over them.

I had been through the rebound cycle enough times to know how to get the weight off quickly, but this time around felt different. I felt like I couldn't buy my own bullshit anymore. The constant drive to chase accolades and thinness had exhausted me, and I felt utterly sick of myself. I wanted something more meaningful.

And so I decided, for the first time in my life, to look inward. I knew that if I wanted to be more, do more, live more, and love myself more that I would have to stop Band-Aidsolutioning my life. What did that really mean? I wasn't sure. I just knew that I needed to heal the most obvious, undeniable pain point first: my body.

I started by listening to a faint whisper that slowly became louder and louder: "I want to be healthy." "I want to be happy." "I want to feel good." "I want to feel like me."

Tuning in to the quiet whispers of my soul set me off on a journey to explore my values, break my constant self-hate, quick-fix cycle, and finally get into the driver's seat of my own happiness."

When you fail to uncover what really matters to you at your core (and to be clear, that's not what you think is "supposed" to matter to you), you're simply flying blind on this journey of life, hoping that something like losing weight will do the trick. But in fact, when you're out of touch with what you really want in life, you're often working against what you really need.

When I began to peel the layers back, I discovered: I valued vitality. I wanted to nourish myself and build strength, not starve myself and run ragged.

I valued self-love. Sure, I wanted to be able to praise myself for toning up my arms, but I also wanted to be kind to myself in the mirror, no matter what I looked like.

I valued alignment. I wanted to work with my body instead of constantly fighting against it.

The more I focused on these three elements, the more connected I felt to the real Sonia. I could feel myself shifting. It was as if by focusing on the inner work and letting it blossom outward instead of focusing on the fake outer work, hoping that it would bleed inward, I was able to get to the core of who I am. Identifying and tuning in to my values was the first step in ending my decade-long love-hate relationship with my body. I made the leap, and I haven't looked back.

Sonia Jhas gave up her skyrocketing corporate career and began searching for a new path that resonated with her core. Eventually, she transformed her life through deep analysis, education, determination, and willpower. Through her journey, Sonia uncovered a deep passion for wellness, as well as a driving desire to help others. Sonia has made it her mission to help people live their best lives through online talks, speaking engagements, television appearances, and coaching. She has accumulated an impressive 80+ million media impressions and continues to spread inspiration all over the globe including appearances on Breakfast Television, Global News, CHCH-TV and more. The TEDx speaker and award-winning mindset and wellness expert’s enthusiasm, sense of humor, and openness about her own journey have earned her a reputation as an unstoppable force in the wellness arena. She is the author of the forthcoming book, I’ll Start Again Tomorrow (And Other Lies I’ve Told Myself)

After a short career in law, Leanne Kale Sparks is returning to her first love— writing about murder, mayhem, and crime. She is an author with Crooked Lane Books and is working on a new series featuring an FBI agent hunting down her best friend's murderer. The backdrop is the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, the playground of her youth and the place that will always be home.

She currently resides in Texas with her husband, her German Shepherd, Zoe, and her Corgi, Win.

What do you need in your writing space to help you stay focused?

It is more a matter of what I need to keep out of my writing space that helps keep me focused. I tend to migrate around the house while writing—some books are written in my office, others at the kitchen table, etc. I don't need it perfectly quiet, but I do need some type of music. Nothing with words because that is too distracting—I start singing along, and that pulls me out of the scene. I can't have the TV on, unless it is one of the ambiance scenes on YouTube. Sometimes it has other writers around. It sounds counterintuitive, but even if we are not talking, camaraderie keeps my fingers moving and my mind creative.

What was your hardest scene to write, and why?

Oh, not sure I can say. It might give too much away. But, typically, it's difficult to write about children being victims of crime. Any scene that makes me cry while writing is usually a really good scene—if it makes me cry again while editing, it's even better—but they can also be difficult and draining.

Does writing energize or exhaust you?

Yes. Ha Ha. It's such an odd career because I can be energized some days, exhausted other days, and sometimes both simultaneously. Being creative is more than sitting at the computer and typing away. So much more goes into the process, and if things are flowing and ideas are coming out faster than you can write them down, it's energizing. It can be mentally and physically exhausting when you are fighting to figure out where the story is going, or what happens in the next scene, or (Yikes) where you have gone completely off the rails. But once the book is done, it's all worth it.

How did publishing your first book change your process of writing?

It made me more self-conscious. I was highly motivated to make the second book even better than the first one—which is a good thing—but it can also be overwhelming. The first book was written before I had an agent or a publisher, so it was purely a labor of love. Once it was published, I was so concerned that I would fail my editor, readers, and characters by not providing a better follow-on story.

What comes first, the plot or characters?

If it's a standalone book or the first in a series, it is plot driven at first. I usually come up with a story and have only a vague idea of who the characters are. If I'm writing in a series, even though I have fleshed out the characters in the first book, it's hard to really get to know them fully until the second or third book in the series. So, the plot probably takes center stage, but it is with the characters more in mind.

How do you develop your plot and characters?

I am constantly asking myself, "What if?" If I see a news story, a true crime show, or just by observing people in day-to-day life, I try to twist things. Insert various ways to manipulate the story. What if the car that just passed suddenly blew up? Was the driver targeted? What if the bomber got it wrong and killed the wrong victim? It's taking something and twisting it every which way until you find that interesting" moment that starts the wild ride.

Do you find it more challenging to write the first book in a series or to write the subsequent novels?

That's a difficult one. The first book in a series is difficult but fun because you meet all these new characters and set them in various places with unknown obstacles. It's a sort of happy difficulty. The harder books are the follow-on books because you have to stay true to the characters you've created. Readers have fallen in love with them (hopefully) and so you can't stray from who they are. That said, you don't want them to become stale and predictable, so you have to find ways of shaking things up and seeing how they handle the adversity without going overboard.

Can you tell us about the second book in the Kendall Beck Thriller series, Every Missing Girl?

Well, as the title denotes, Kendall continues her quest to search for missing children. She is called to a double homicide scene at a local convenience store, where a missing child turns up amongst the carnage. Once again, she is working with her favorite Denver Homicide Detective, Adam Taylor. In the midst of uncovering why the missing child was there and what connection she has with the murder victims, another child goes missing—this time, Adam's niece, Frankie. The race is on to find the young girl. But does Frankie's disappearance have anything to do with the missing girl from the convenience store? And, if so, what?

What is it about these characters that readers love so much that they want to keep returning to them and their stories?

It's because they are so relatable. Flawed, normal, and slightly sarcastic— people you would meet anywhere. They have the same issues as the rest of us, just on a level that most of us don't deal with on a daily basis. I also think they offer a glimpse into an unknown world and how normal people deal with extraordinary circumstances like murder and kidnapping. In Every Missing Girl, it is Kendall's turn to help Adam through the disappearance of a loved one. I hope the readers will see a different side to Kendall without it being a complete departure from who she is and how she reacts to these types of crimes.

What would you say is your most interesting writing quirk?

I probably don't have a defined writing process; I mean, generally, I plot the story and then write it. But the way I plot is never consistent. Sometimes I prefer working it all out on a whiteboard. Other times I outline on legal pads. And then there are times I use colored sticky notes. And I have no idea why I do it this way, but then, who cares as long as I get something written?

How do you do research for your books?

For me internet mostly. Ideally, if you are writing crime novels with law enforcement characters, you have a contact at whatever agency you are portraying. Just someone to bounce questions off or will give certain scenes a quick read to check for accuracy.

What is your favorite childhood book?

I wore out "The Monster at the End of this Book." I loved Grover and would carry that book everywhere I went.