WithMyLifeMyWife

By Bill Leone

The following excerpt from My Life With My Wife, Chapter 9, is "What Comes Next?". This excerpt shares one of the many adventures packed full of shenanigans that we experienced together as a family…the best of times!

"Diane and I loaded up our tenement on wheels, and we headed out to see sights unknown, looking forward to exciting new experiences! We all arrived without a hitch, mainly because we left so darn early that the kids slept most of the way there. I didn't know how much of a blessing that really was at the moment until we left to come home. Our living quarters on this adventure was a three-walled, tin roof tent concoction that had a broken-down enclosed wooden fence that created a small yard space. It was really useless in keeping anything or anybody out. But hey, we had an LAPD Officer with us who brought his off-duty weapon: what could possibly happen? We settled in quickly.

Diane soon got to work looking over the brochures to see what we could find to explore. Hiking was the obvious thing to do.

So the next day, my lovely wife and I took our kids on a hike. The area was beautiful this time of year because all of the mountain and forest flowers were in full bloom. Oh, the colors, oh, the many smells, and oh, the pollen! We took off down this path that put us right in the middle of it all. Then it began. It hit me all at once. The sneezing, the itchy burning eyes, the running, no, gushing nose. Diane and the kids continued on because I had become overtaken by the alien life force that dwelled in the disguise of lovely flora. Diane was laughing so hard at one point she was unable to help guide me out as I could not see through all of the puffy eyes, the tears, and the snot that covered my face! One of my kids asked her, "What's wrong with dad?" She lost it even more. I eventually made it out of "Meadow 51." But all in all, it still was a great day. Night came, and it was time for dinner. We ate, but of course, we had trash to deal with. There was a trash can, but this was no ordinary receptacle. These had to be bear-proof trash cans, a very important detail. I had forgotten to put our trash in them just one time. That night was an allout war with the wildlife around us when attack time began at 4 AM. I was awakened to find a 300-pound bear digging through the trash I forgot to secure. I think I surprised him as much as he surprised me. My poor Diane was wondering what all the ruckus was about. It was just me shooting the bear in the behind with a halon fire extinguisher that I had brought along.

He took off running, and I of course, chased him out of the campsite and up a hill. As I was returning to our most unsecured dwelling, I came face to face with what seemed to be a 9-foot raccoon who was headed straight for the trash that the bear was just enjoying! It goes without saying that he got lit up with the fire extinguisher as well! By the way, I was a dead-eye with that extinguisher. There were more run-ins with the fauna but nothing that me an Ol Red, couldn't handle (insert tobacco spit). Maybe it was from lack of sleep, but I swear I thought I saw the Bald Headed Bear from the movie "The Great Outdoors." We had many cool adventures and saw some awesome wonders of nature while visiting this historic park, but all too soon, it was time to go home. As usual, Diane took care of the inside of the motor home, and I took care of the outside. By the way, we weren't allowed to sleep in it per park rules because we weren't in the motor home part of the park. Anyway, we started our trek down the mountain, and all of us were wide awake this time. All of a sudden, someone began to feel car sick.

You can only guess what happened next. One kid started, and then a chain re- action occurred that made Pompeii look like the beautiful water show outside the Bellagio in Vegas! Our oldest boy used one of his sister's shoes while blankets and pillows were being destroyed—it was pure mayhem. For some reason, nobody ever thought to try and get to a sink or the bathroom! Remember, I'm not a poop-and-puke guy... I'm okay with blood and guts. I had that motor home pulled over and stopped in record time, and I was out of the vehicle running down a path that I had found not too far away, barely escaping with my life. It was a very traumatic experience for me, so stop laughing! I left Diane alone to deal with that mess because, in some weird way, she understood. Don't judge me! Again, I think it was the same kid who asked, "What's wrong with dad?" way back in Meadow 51 that also asked, "Where's dad?" I had disappeared so fast that no one knew where I was! All I could hear when it was all over was Diane's sweet voice calling for me to come back. Things got tied to the rear bumper and placed in outside compartments after SPEWNADO had finally passed. We had about six more hours to go, but we made it home unscathed the rest of the way. PTL!"

Rev. Bill Leone is an ordained Elder in the Church of the Nazarene and is the Associate Pastor/Worship at Faith Church of the Nazarene in Burbank, Ca. He also volunteers as a Police Chaplain. Bill has been blessed with a gift from God (beginning at the age of 4), allowing him to become an accomplished \musician who longs to share it with others. He has led worship at various adult and children’s events and has written children’s praise and worship songs for many VBS events.

In addition, Bill has traveled throughout the US, entertaining and giving concerts on the organ, piano, and keyboards as a product specialist for various instrument manufacturers.

He married in 1993 and is a dedicated and loving father of a very blended family with 5 children and 5 grand children.

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