Massive Magazine Volume 02 Issue 03 by Massive Magazine

THE VOICE OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS : ISSUE 03/ 2013 DEEP SEA DRILLING PARTY CULTURE STALKERS PERO CAMERON

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FEATURES

16 Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve Got a Stalker

18 Economic Drilling into the Heart of NZ

22 Walk in Worry: Clean Trades Wanted

24 Student Work: A Study in Unfairness

26 In Search of Party Culture

31 Lecturers: Out with a Bang?

36 Photography Feature: Frances Jenkins + Sarah Kilner

40 My Story

44 Say What?

48 Dick Hardy: Seducing the Seasoned Sexpert

52 Interview: Louis Baker: Music for the Right Reasons

REgulars

The Back

In Short

Iinterviews: Chelsea Winter, Pero Cameron

Local Notices

Columns

Geofff Deathigan

Reviews

EDITOR Morgan Browne editor@massivemagazine.org.nz (04) 801 5799 ext. 62136 ART DIRECTION & DESIGN Sean Walker seanvictorwalker@gmail.com (04) 801 5799 ext. 62064 ADVERTISING & SPONSORSHIP Jacob Webb advertising@massivemagazine.org.nz (04) 801 5799 ext. 62067 LOCAL CAMPUS REPORTERS Albany – Tasmin Wheeler tasmin@massivemagazine.org.nz Manawatu/Extramural – Yvette Morrissey yvette@massivemagazine.org.nz CONTRIBUTORS Morgan Browne, Yvette Morrissey, Tasmin Wheeler, Josh Berry, Yasmine Jellyman, Dick Hardy, Abbie Hines, David Angus, Rachel Purdie, Blake Leitch, Paul Berrington, Amie Broxton, Jared Lanigan, Shaun Mawdsley, Tayla Rea, Jessica Frank, Brigitte Masters, Lauren Crimp, Nicole Canning, Callum O’Neill, Georgia Forrester, David Collins, Claydan Krivan-Mutu, Jae Hee Lee, Billy Innes-Drewery, Grace Pettit, ILLUSTRATORS & PHOTOGRAPHERS Brodie Nel, Ash Nel, Jacob Sparrow, Patrick McDonald, Iain Anderson, Geofff Deathigan, Sarah Kilner, Frances Jenkins, Sean Walker. Publisher massivemagazine.org.nz ISSN 2253-5918 (Print) ISSN 2253-5926 (Online)

Disclaimer: The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages in MASSIVE magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Society (EXMSS) or the MASSIVE editor.

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ISSUE 02/ 2013 E d i to r i a l Hello, Kia Ora, greetings, and salutations from us again at MASSIVE. As students, you have now battled the enemy (those tests, readings, and assignments) to make it through half of the semester. Congratulations, you are the fittest fighters and the bravest battlers. We understand that juggling university work and outside commitments can be tough, and it takes a resilient person to finish their degree while pursuing other social and work endeavours. Balancing study and a part-time job can certainly be stressful and challenging. It could be said that you are like the hero sperm – the one that won the race to make yourself happen. Once again, well done. During those high-stress times, let MASSIVE be a replacement for the best things in life that you don’t get enough of – whether it’s that long week between Game of Thrones episodes, that time between the empty Marmite jar and the next trip to the supermarket, or the sweetness after the last Easter egg has been devoured.

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You fighters all deserve a little something – you’re all freaking awesome, after all. That’s also why MASSIVE’s intention is to bring you as many sick freebies as possible, too (‘like’ us on Facebook). Allow me to re-remind you why you should get involved with us: there’s kind of this rumour going around that MASSIVE pays writers for good stories. Did anyone say “ka chiiiing?” If you want to write or illustrate for us and are unsure of how you can get involved, flick me an email or contact a local campus reporter. We’re used to receiving all different types of stories from all different types of people, and we enjoy helping you work on them. In this issue we investigate deep-sea drilling, the legitimateness of student/lecturer relationships, and Facebook trading groups. Also, Dick Hardy cums into his pants, while Guru discusses the ‘Dolmio Grin’. Chur. Until next time, Morgan Browne

LETTERS

CHEERS C*NT L.O.T.M Dear MASSIVE, Thank you for delivering another great read for the month! My highlights included The ‘C’ Word article, the flawless illustrations, and of course the sexcapades of Dick Hardy (even though it seemed very Fifty Shades of Zero Dark Thirty) what with its active Squash foreplay that gets blown (not literally) by its “mommy porn” inspired pay-off. One can only assume that this is due to the supposed controversy that was met with Dick’s previous Mills & Punani story (which my circle of Unifriends and I actually thought was very cunt!) I feel like ‘cunt’ is the new ‘fetch’. I feel as though I can use that word now, in this context, due to your article, MASSIVE. Or shouldn’t I? I’ll try it out this one time and see if karma bites back. Conversely, I did find one piece of fuckery in your magazine and this was in the form of a review for the Oscar-Winning film Argo! Three out of five stars, really? That is so not cunt! As if this travesty wasn’t big enough, there was also a pretentious quality to your review that is truly special. “Special” as in exceptionally underdeveloped, of course! Something about your review just irked me. Maybe I was offended by your rating, or maybe it’s just because you’re a cunt reviewer (interpret that how you wish). I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on you Mr. Reviewer-Man. Perhaps you felt that Silver Linings Playbook or Django Unchained deserved to win the Best-Picture Oscar instead, or maybe even Lincoln? Actually, no! Lincoln was boring as fack! OK, so back to the positive, MASSIVE; I sincerely believe that these past two issues are some of the best that you have ever released and I am glad to see the quality of your magazine rise like Dick’s dick. Candidly, The grammatically challenged English Major with a fetish for exclamation marks! FRESHER SPEAKS TOO SOON Hey MASSIVE, Congrats on another fantastic issue!! Thank goodness for your magazine, considering the recreational reading section of the library only consists of one corner. I am a first year student at the Palmerston North campus and frankly, I’m finding university quite fun. My degree is a BSc and half of my papers this semester are the pre-vet core papers, Biology of Cells and Chemistry and Living

Systems. That means that for half of the time I spend at university I am surrounded by people so focused that they look like at any moment their poor heads could explode. So today my Biology of Cells lecturer posed this question to the class: How many of you are not feeling stressed? Out of the entire lecture hall only three people put up their hands. One of them was me. I’m not going to say that I’m finding university life easy but I definitely found high school much more intense. Sure, I’m a little behind in some classes and my practical lab skills are lacking (I accidentally got some sulphuric acid on my arm in the last lab, ouch). What should university be like? I know it’s a complex question but I feel like a slacker. From Mellow Yellow Dear Mellow Yellow, Let us quote J K Rowling: “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.” This could be interpreted that if you fail a paper or assignment, it is not the end of the world, as it is impossible to succeed in everything. You can only try. In this instance, those that don’t fail assignments and focus so hard that ‘their heads look like they may explode’ might not have social lives and experience the rollercoaster that is university life. Therefore what should university be like? According to this, you cannot win, because whether you party/chillax or study, you shall fail regardless. Encouraging thought, right? I suppose we can conclude that university should be a perfect balance between hard study and hard socialising. Yours truly, MASSIVE P.S. Sorry about your arm. R.I.P. arm skin. DICK HARDY, A ROLE MODEL FOR THE (UNDER) AGES Dear Editor, I just wanted to write in to mention something that troubled me about Dick Hardy’s first sexcapade. Not to be a killjoy, but did Dick Hardy use a condom at all with this girl he had just met? There was no mention of it in his story, and he knows nothing about this girl’s sexual bill of health, or whether she is on any form of contraception at all. Now I’m no fan of 50 Shades of Grey (I think it

MASSIVE welcomes letters of all shapes and sizes. They should be preferably emailed to editor@ massivemagazine.org.nz although they can be dropped into any students’ association office. The editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or just plain bastardise them and can refuse any that are in bad taste or defamatory. EVERY LETTER WINS! All letters receive a prize courtesy of MASSIVE magazine. This month, it is a 250g bag of Peoples’ Coffee. Email the editor to arrange collection of your prize.

perpetrates some really asinine messages about how a women can ‘change’ a man, that the BDSM scene is for ‘fucked up’ damaged people, and that it’s ‘okay’ for your man to stalk or control you), but if E.L. James can manage to write ‘successful’ erotica in which the characters act like responsible adults when it comes down to protecting their sexual health, then can’t MASSIVE magazine make sure they at least live up to that standard? I remember some of Dick Hardy’s articles from last year taking the time to mention using protection, and I also remember thinking that responsibility sure is an attractive quality. I hope that Dick Hardy is more careful from now on, if not for his own health and that of his sexual partners, then for the impressionable 18 year olds just embarking on their journey into the world of adult relations that read his column. I read an article on a news website today that stated Syphilis is currently on the rise in New Zealand. Anonymous Dear Anonymous, Your concern is well founded and well received. I am pleased to hear that there are people who are as concerned with their sexual health as I myself am. I would hope to reassure you by promising my insistence of sexual protection during all of my sexual encounters. I make sure to be well equipped at all times and opt for other, less risky actions if none can be procured. Unfortunately, detailing this menial process in my article can sometimes seem superfluous and hence was omitted from the article in question. However, in light of your distress, I will attempt to include this in my future re-tellings. Thanks again for your concern. Yours Sincerely, Dick Hardy

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MASSIVE IN SHORT THE BIGGEST TOPICS, SMALL.

BRUSHING UP ON MANDARIN Brigitte Masters interviewed former Australian Prime Minister Hon John Howard at Think Tank, the New Zealand Initiative’s inaugural retreat. The New Zealand Initiative is a non-partisan think tank that promotes good public policy for every New Zealander. For years now, many New Zealanders have travelled to Europe to live, but we are now living in a Pacific Century - an Asian Century. It is becoming more important for us to have an invested interest in Asia, especially when the opportunities continue to grow in countries such as China, and opportunities continue to dampen in Europe. At the event, where Howard spoke, I was able to sit down with him for five minutes and talk about Asia and why he thinks we are living in an Asian Century. “Asia has been around for a long time and it hasn’t just been discovered over the last few years,” Howard said as though the world has just come to find it. “New Zealand has enormous economic opportunities with China.” Howard is right. With a GDP of $7.3 trillion (and the goal to double it by 2020) the extraordinary economic miracle of China is not only good for China, it is good for the world. It has lifted hundreds of millions of people out of poverty, and has made a great contribution to the economic growth of a number of neighbouring countries, including the trans-Tasman neighbours, New Zealand and Australia.

I asked Howard what some of the challenges and opportunities were for Australia and New Zealand in a regional economy largely dominated by the continued development of China and other Asian economies. “The first requirement is to build further on the already close economic relationship between Australia and New Zealand, which means, where possible, removing any barriers that might exist on further transTasman investment and capital flows. And by making sure that as far as possible the common interest and arrangements we have, which are working so effectively, can be made to work even more effectively because we are each important to the other and the close economic relationship has been a huge success so we have to be building on it.” The world economy in which we live is still troubled and turbulent, Europe is in a lot of difficulty, the United States, in Howard’s opinion, is recovering, and he is more optimistic about the US economy than even some Americans are. Fundamentally, America is less regulated and has a freer economy than Europe. China, on the other hand, is moving forward in a very positive way. “China is growing at a huge rate,” he said. “However, on the other hand there are internal challenges in China we shouldn’t lose sight of and we shouldn’t be mesmerised by what is happening in China. The interaction between the newly enriched regions and the poor regions is very difficult and intense. China is an aging country. She will grow old before she grows rich.”

This is not to say that the Chinese miracle will go into reverse, but it’s important for New Zealanders to keep in perspective the rise of China. China is, of course, Australia’s best customer, and during the time Howard was Prime Minister, exports to China quadrupled during a 10-12-year period. In New Zealand, sales of up to $259 million came from exported goods to China in February alone. So why aren’t Kiwis flocking to Asia instead of Europe? In 2012 just 369 New Zealanders moved to China while 4,578 moved to the United Kingdom. The Government has strong ties with China, and more New Zealanders should be looking at Asia if they are planning on moving. Europe has nothing to offer anymore apart from long cold winters and beautiful architecture – if you’re willing to pay the price for it. China is now being seen as a prime opportunity for New Zealand business, and recently global chief executives rated China as the world’s No.1 foreign investment destination. Huffington Post recently published an article saying that expats are better off looking for a job in China than in America or the United Kingdom. So for those of us who have our hearts set on a glamorous lifestyle in London or New York, maybe we should reconsider China and brush up on our Mandarin.

WANT TO GO TO SEMI-PERMANENT? Semi-Permanent is a creative platform spreading art and design inspiration, with annual events hosted all over the world. It has since grown to become New Zealand’s largest collaborative art event in New Zealand and MASSIVE can help you get there. We have three double passes to give away, with each double pass valued at $480. To enter, create a piece of original artwork for your favourite story from this years MASSIVE and send it to

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editor@MASSIVEmagazine.org.nz or upload it to the MASSIVE Facebook page. Artwork can be of any medium – photography, drawings, digital paintings, collage or whatever else you can conjure up. Entry must be received no later than May 21 at 5pm. Competition is open to Massey students and Alumni only.

Semi-Permanent is Proudly Supported By:

11 YEARS, 38 EVENTS, 11 CITIES, 5 COUNTRIES, 300+ SPEAKERS, 250,000+ ATTENDEES, 41 EXHIBITIONS, 17 EVENT BOOKS

IN GOOD STEAD JESSICA FRANK On March 27, students and staff alike gathered in an intimate fashion with hot cross buns and refreshments in hand. The first of the Writers Read series was due to commence at the stroke of noon, and we were soon to be introduced to C.K Stead. C.K Stead is an academic, a novelist, a poet, a critic, and a front-runner in the New Zealand literary world. As he walked on stage and stood behind the Massey University podium, one could appreciate that age sat wary on his shoulders. Despite this, he began to speak of his career and his journey as a writer with confidence and care. His literary success is one which has branched itself out of our small-niche country and found itself growing shoots overseas. He has been a figure in New Zealand literature since the 1950’s, and in 2013 he reads from his newly published novel and his new anthology of poems. Stead is best known for his novel Smith’s Dream (1971), which was filmed under the title Sleeping Dogs (1977); for his internationally successful novels published in the 1980’s and the early 1990’s, two of which have taken out places in the fiction section of the New Zealand Book Awards; and for his outspoken critique of liberal positions in education, justice, and literary affairs. Sleeping Dogs was also the first New Zealand film to be released into international waters. Though Stead is now a renowned novelist and poet, he began his career as an academic. As one could understand, this presented a great barrier between him and his creative drive, limiting his career as a writer, but also shaping it in chorus. Due to the strenuous environment that a professor must cope with, there was little time for furthering productively. Early on in his career, his reputation as a writer depended heavily on a few poems and a handful of short stories which were widely spread apart, yet widely admired. As Stead discussed his academic career he commented that “I could never take university teaching lightly enough – I was sort of shy and afraid of making a goat of myself.” Therefore, he never found it appropriate to take time off, or put in a little less effort. Having a lecturer like this would be great. Though for Stead, this was detrimental to his writing efforts.

However, from critics and admirers alike, Stead’s career has displayed verbal prowess allied with inspired discipline, a lively caricature and an ingenious mind for storytelling. Unlike other authors and poets, he has been said to draw upon new ideas and themes in every piece of his work, constantly drawn to innovative challenges. If anyone was to pick up his work now they could see they are incoherently individual and the only obvious theme would be his own personality that streams through the page. Another New Zealand writer, Michael Morrissey, referred to Stead as “arguably our most successful literary chameleon.” Stead does not write for the interests and pleasures of others, but invites readers to share in his mind and draws them in with his stories his way, revealing a bit of himself with every turn of a phrase. As a result of this, his writing is fundamentally realist in nature – confessional – a voice that is consistent throughout his works of fiction, criticism and poetry. Though Stead would rather relate himself to an “autobiographical poet”, told through his various personas. His life often bleeds through his work, his friendships, his career, and relationships, and various blunders come under the light in selected poems and novels. He presents his life under a veil of fiction that is alarmingly transparent. Through this he displays courage that is not often seen in writers of fiction. He publically digests his past in spite of his critical reputation. The guise of fiction that hangs over his life prevents any sure collaboration between his life and his stories, teasing his readers and critics. As a wishful storyteller myself, I feel as I am not so strange for wanting to tell my stories and my life through the façade of another character. On his writing process, Stead remarked that he was unable to focus on both fiction and poetry simultaneously. “My poetry disappeared through my fiction.” And though his novels have been globally successful, he confessed that “poetry satisfies me the most”. Despite the time and effort needed for novels he believed there is “no other satisfaction that beats writing a poem that truly works.”

Without a hint of remorse he put the process of poetry as such: “One is an orderly person, and a poem is somewhat disorderly. You get to take this disorderly world and shape it, mould it until you have created something perfect.” During the Q&A session following Stead’s presentation, we managed to gather some insight into Stead himself. Because there is a great stigma about being a writer in New Zealand, this was a great opportunity to ask him about his experience as a Kiwi author. When asked about the advantages and disadvantages, Stead fumbled over his words and jokingly replied: “Well, there must be some advantages, right?” He shared that “when I went overseas on a scholarship and did my PhD and I had the opportunity to stay I can running back. I was so scared that I would get such a taste for it that I wouldn’t ever come back.” He said he wanted to be a part of the growth of New Zealand literature – to be a part of something that was only just beginning. He finished by saying that “no matter where you are, you are going to be more aware of the disadvantages than the advantages.” This really spoke volumes to me because it was easy to understand that despite the isolation of our country, the chances are more in favour, and the community seems to be tightly knit, close. Stead’s personality showed through when he was asked where his ideas came from. “Well, who the hell knows, you just hope they come.” When asked if he believed English degrees were relevant to a writing career he insisted that having a great backing, from those who went before was essential for you own writing, And that without it, you have nothing to base your work off, nothing to come from. In time, in society where we watch more and read less, work harder and enjoy not as much, and write fewer of the things we want and more of the things we have to, it is hard to imagine being successful in your hobby and making your interests your success. However much being an accomplished writer is a mere pipe dream, Stead is proof that if you are good and it is what you want to do, then you can.

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LIVING A CHAMPAGNE LIFESTYLE ON A BEER BUDGET MORGAN BROWNE

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that the value of women’s tertiary education will be less than men’s. However actual values depend on your degree and the demand for it. Aldred would love to see students thinking about how their study and lifestyle choices could impact them in the short, medium and long-term, whether they even have the current means to study full-time and if they don’t, what the alternatives are (for example, part-time or extramural study). If you get $244/ week student allowance you’d need to earn around $160/ week extra after tax to cover Aldred’s estimated budget –requiring about 14 hours/ week part-time work on the minimum wage. You’d need up to $230/ week extra on the loan for living costs, or around 19 hours work. One $4 coffee actually costs about $4.50 before tax. In other words you’d need to work around twenty minutes before you could afford to buy that item. “We’re not saying don’t study - or denying that being a student is easy... no one ever said it would or should be. We want people to study. It’s do-able to work as well with foresight and planning. Plenty of students already work part-time, they just have no idea how much they spend... Who knows – they might even find that with some lifestyle changes they can work less and put more time into their study. “Aldred suggests students think seriously about their course of study and look for ways to add value to their education whilst saving on living costs wherever possible. If students need help calculating their living costs and how to manage them they can see an NZFFBS budget advisor for free [familybudgeting.org.nz] while help with course planning and from Career Advisors is available at universities. MASSIVE invites students to email views and questions to their student association advocates.

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their total spend over a few weeks to get a minimum, maximum and average indication of costs. Aldred has taken her analysis a step further collating data to achieve a weekly estimate of $400 (net) income for most students to survive on. “The amount is averaged over 52 weeks/ annum rather than the semester calendar and is probably much higher than people would expect. It includes contingency funds for costs and events an average student would typically encounter over a year”. Expenses such as dental visits, repair costs or replacements for broken or lost mobile phones, bond adjustments, travel and accommodation out of town, university books, contact course costs, insurance premiums, bank fees, transport (excluding maintaining private cars) and - yes, it includes takeaway food. Aldred thinks that students need to be more realistic about their actual living expenses and plan for these instead of believing they spend and can live on less than they do. She contends that some students live on much less, are more savvy than others, hunting out bargains and buying groceries at weekend markets for example, but would like to see more students reviewing their priorities. “Study is a personal choice, comes at a price and tertiary education is a business with the objective of turning a profit. Interest-free loans don’t necessarily help students by deferring the actual cost of study into the future... interest-free loans and cheap credit lull some people into the false reality that their choice of study now will pay for their lifestyle choices later”. Unfortunately though employment statistics and anecdotal evidence both here and across the Tasman don’t bear this out [that study will pay dividends later]. A report by the OECD mentioned in The Herald on Sunday article (September 30, 2012) found that ‘tertiary study adds little to our earning power’ and furthermore

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Nigella Lawson... Nigellissima... domestic goddess, queen of gastro-porn... Nigella, the single-named doyenne of comfort food commented in a February NewsWeek article that for most people, food is the only affordable pleasure in their life. For many students this also seems to be the case, yet according to Massey Wellington Student s’Association Budget Advisor and Advocate Sian Aldred, their tastes are sending them broke. Aldred’s analysis of up to 100 students living expenses clearly shows that time and again their taste for convenience food and daily coffees are sending them broke. Whether it’s a comfort-thing as Nigella suggests, or the convenience of buying food whilst out and about, the costs are significant. “The majority of student’s don’t tend to shop and cook together as a flat [like they used to]. Reasons given for this are as varied as are the takeaway foods they which are sending them broke... ‘Different study schedules... lecture timetabling... conflicting tastes in a flat...’ – all reasons given by students who haven’t discovered the economy of buying groceries and cooking together. Even sharing with just one flatmate for a few meals will save money”. Student’s food habits are expensive and Aldred says it is not uncommon for students to spend as much on food in a week as they would on rent, $170 for rent... $170 on food. “Most students believe they spend a lot less on food than they actually do. But the only way to find out exactly how much you spend is by tracking every single purchase and writing it down.” Aldred says students wanting to nail down their budget and live within their means need to record all the small items throughout the day. $4 coffees really start to add up. As do cafe purchases, alcohol, bars, McDonald’s, Subway, juice, sushi, bagels, and kebabs – all this on top of a few supermarket visits each week. Aldred encourages all students to record

HPV: ARE YOU ONE OF THE 80%? Nicole Canning As students bump and grind their way through university, they claim their fair share of one night stands, casual partners, and even serious relationships for the bravest few. In addition to notches on the belt and good memories also comes the ugly truth behind sex. Beyond pregnancy and the regular STI’s is a virus carried by 80% of people, with only 25% showing symptoms. HPV, formally known as Human Papillomavirus, comes in over 100 different types, 40 of which can cause problems in the nether regions. The three most notable problems are genital warts, cell abnormalities, and cervical and anal cancers. With such a high number of carriers, many of whom are oblivious, HPV is not something that only affects the ‘man whores’ and ‘sluts’ of society. In the same sense, neither of these groups is to blame for its widespread nature. HPV can be transmitted by the most basic form of sexual activity that involves genital contact, therefore even conservative and cautionary types can catch it. Someone passing on HPV who is aware they carry it can be hurtful and betraying, as 24 year old Sarah* experienced. After discovering warts on her vagina,

Sarah’s boyfriend convinced her it was nothing more than shaving rash. However, freaked out by what she had found, Sarah went to the doctors and learned she had contracted HPV. When she confronted her boyfriend she found out that not only did he know he had HPV, he had also not got treatment for it, “When I told him he gave me genital warts he started crying and kept saying sorry, but I just felt sick,” she said. Not only did Sarah have to physically deal with having the warts burnt off with liquid nitrogen, she also had to emotionally deal with the situation. “I couldn’t tell anyone because I felt ashamed and I was lonely for a really long time because of what he did.” Sarah, like a lot of females her age, was unaware that the cervical cancer vaccine offered to girls as part of an immunisation programme also protects against HPV. Now known as Gardasil, the HPV vaccine is also available to males and targets the four main types of HPV responsible for genital warts and cancer. The vaccine does not contain the complete HPV virus which means the immunisation cannot cause HPV infections, cancers, or abnormalities. Instead it works by causing the

body to develop its own antibodies which are expected to provide life-long protection against HPV types 6, 11, 16, and 18. The vaccine is currently free to girls born after 1992 until their 20th birthday. For males, and females older than this, the vaccine can cost around $450 for all three injections. However, other than this fee, the only main side effect of the vaccine is a sore arm afterwards. HPV is tested in females when they have their first smear at age 20, and all injections aside, this smear is still important. Health Promotion Advisor, Nicci Kuiti says, “We are having problems because people think now they have had the injections that they don’t need a smear, but this is not the case at all.” Unlike the most common STI’s which can be easily treated with a pill and do not cause visual abnormalities, HPV can be incredibly embarrassing and upsetting for those who catch it. Mrs Kuiti says that concerned students need to talk to their doctor, nurse, or a health care professional to have the problem addressed. For further information on HPV and the Gardasil vaccine visit www.bestshot.co.nz

UNPROTECTED SEX: SUPERMAN OR SUPER DUMB? LAUREN CRIMP A lot of us think we are like superheroes in the bedroom: invincible. But just like Peter Parker, Batman, and Iron Man, you need the smarts to take on the battle of getting down and dirty. Safe sex is better sex. Why? You get all of the pleasure but none of the pain (bar a few sore thigh muscles in the morning). A clear conscience means less worry about STIs and unplanned pregnancy - let alone less chance of it actually occurring - and more time to focus on what’s going on under the covers. Here’s how to get there with just a few simple steps. Know your enemy. Every sexually active person is at risk of a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI). Even Spiderman. It’s no secret that Peter and Mary rocked the front-facing top and tail. However, while Spiderman knows his enemies and how to prevent them from wreaking havoc on his sky tower, not all of us know the enemies facing our man or lady gardens. Chlamydia and gonorrhoea are the most common STIs. Uncomfortable pain such as burning when you pee, different discharges and abdominal or testicular pain are the main symptoms, however often there are no symptoms, which is dangerous as you could unknowingly pass them on. A check-up is the only way to know you’re in the clear. These can be caught via unprotected vaginal, anal, or oral sex, and should be treated with antibiotics straight away. These infections can decrease fertility in men and women, or be passed

on to your kids at childbirth. Genital warts (officially human papilloma virus or HPV) and genital herpes (herpes simplex virus or HSV) are the most dangerous STIs for someone’s reputation because they can be visible. But like the Invisible Woman, some of those infected can show zero symptoms. Genital herpes can be helped by antiretroviral drugs, however they only reduce the number of outbreaks that may occur; they cannot fully cure the infection. In other words, once you’ve been bitten by that spider, there is no going back. Prepare for battle. A great way to prevent any unexpected attacks is to be prepared. The Incredible Hulk should always be lubed up before any action takes place to prevent condom rippage. If you are planning to have condomless sex with a new partner, you need to know about both your own and your partner’s territories. It is easy for you to both get checked and make sure you’re not getting something you didn’t sign up for (the Hulk is ugly enough as it is!). Before unleashing your inner beast, here are the details of your average trip for a sexual health check-up at your local Family Planning clinic or doctor – you’ll be asked a few questions about any symptoms you may have, previous partners, how long since your last check-up, etc. Be honest! These people aren’t being nosy; they’re there to help you. The doctor or nurse will ask you to take a test; this could be a

urine test, swab, physical exam or blood test. Done! You will be contacted within a week or so with the results of your test. Bring your armour. Protect yourselves, people! Even Captain America needed his shield! Don’t pull the poor student card on this issue, either; all of these forms of contraception can be obtained with a $5 script from your local doctor or Family Planning clinic. Condoms are the only way you can protect against STIs - apart from abstinence. Ha! Though they are not 100% effective, they are pretty damn close to it, and don’t forget they can be fun, too! They can come in every Power Ranger colour, are tasty, and even stimulating; surely a good substitute for a nasty infection or the worry of an unplanned pregnancy. They can also keep a guy thrusting for longer - bonus! Wonderwomen, the pill is also another easy safety precaution; one a day will protect you from pregnancy, though remember, only pregnancy and not STIs! Your doc will help you choose one which can also help clear up your skin, and help with regular and pain-free periods. Stoked! An implant or injection is also available to protect yourself against unplanned pregnancy. So get prepared people, it’s a warzone out there. And remember this advice: no glove, no love!

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ALBANY LO C A L N OT I C E S

PAST DAMAGES: CAN THE ASA RISE? On March 20, a Special General Meeting (SGM) was held to pass the ASA’s budget for the year. However, the real news came when Jonathan McDonald spoke out against the current ASA President, Stephan van Heerden. Sumire Tachibana, former ASA

overall unsatisfied with the way that some members conducted themselves in front of students who had volunteered their time to be there.” At the very least, the ASA now has a new VicePresident as well as five members more than last year, all who are keen to begin improving Massey University at

Massey University Theater Society is the latest club to be established on campus. Dr Rand Hazou, Albany’s theatre lecturer describes the club as a chance to “enhance opportunities for Massey students, staff, and members of the wider community

President and minutes-taker for this SGM, sat down to explain exactly what happened. At one point, McDonald put forward a motion that asked van Heerden to step down as the chair of the meeting. Unfortunately, the way McDonald and van Heerden worded the motion caused a major lack of understanding. It was thought that those voting for van Heerden would vote against the motion of no confidence. In fact, a motion of confidence is all that can be asked, not a motion of no confidence. Without anyone realising this, the motion was unanimously voted against – the effect being that those in attendance voted against the motion, against confidence. Upon the vote going through, van Heerden stated “You’ve just voted no confidence”, and walked out of the meeting. When it was explained to van Heerden that the vote was misunderstood, he returned and the vote was re-taken. The situation was said not to have been handled well by either McDonald or van Heerden. Following this, McDonald attempted to bring forward a petition created last year that included complaints about the way the 2012 elections were held. McDonald claimed the issue was not “properly dealt with” at the end of last year. Both McDonald and van Heerden went into legalities and constitutional issues. McDonald attempted to create another motion to re-open the case, but Tachibana explained that a motion must be on the agenda and in writing prior to the meeting. McDonald is now the new Men’s Welfare Representative for the ASA. How well van Heerden and McDonald can work together to further the ASA will only be seen with time. Tayla Rea, ASA Women’s Welfare Representative, said about the situation: “I thought that the meeting was damaging to the reputation of the ASA and was

Albany, post-VSM. The ASA may be damaged, but their sole intent as students is to help their classmates. MASSIVE magazine acknowledges that some reporting of the students’ associations – although fair - may be critical. It should be recognised that the ASA executive now do not receive honorarium payments for their work. Blake Leitch

to create, attend, and engage in theatre production and the performing arts. MUTS seeks to create theatre initiatives that provide valuable practical experience in theatre-making for Massey students as well as develop networks with the wider theatre community in Auckland. MUTS will be working to collaborate with external community groups and artists to create a vibrant creative community on campus. The goal is to make the Massey Auckland campus, and specifically the new Theatre Lab, a creative hub in the region by programming activities that allow students and members of the wider community to participate in the performing arts. The new theatre lab is due to open on May 8. Details regarding the official opening will follow. One event planned for May 18 is a lighting workshop open day. The workshop will be an opportunity for members to learn some practical aspects of theatre lighting. The MUTS executive team currently includes President Rina Langdon, Secretary Becki Chappell, and Treasurer Rachel Adams. They is working on a date for their first general meeting. However, Langdon confirmed there would be posters put up around campus to make students aware of the meeting and offer a chance for people interested in joining the group to attend. Because the group is still in its early days, things such as an open Facebook page are still being established. In the interim, if anyone is interested in finding out more they can email Rina directly at agentbristow74@gmail. com.

New additions to ASA Executive Team The Albany Students’ Associations 2013 bi-election has drawn to a close, welcoming three students to the executive team. ASA office manager Jacqueline Adams made the announcement of the new Vice-President, Men’s Welfare Representative, and College of Business Representative on March 28. Two positions were uncontested therefore no election was required. Nadeesha Ranasinghe was welcomed to the team as College of Business Representative, and Jonathan McDonald who had previously been on the Executive team in 2012 assumed the position of Men’s Welfare Representative. Arlene Frost is the new Vice-President, winning the election with total votes of 104-18. She says she is excited about her new role. The 2013 Executive Team is: President: Stephan van Heerden Vice-President: Arlene Frost Women’s Welfare Rep: Tayla Rea Men’s Welfare Rep: Jonathan McDonald International Rep: Tuafono Teio Recreation & Clubs’ Rep: James Collins College of Sciences Rep: Hal Smith Stevens College of Education Rep: Hazel Gray College of Business Rep: Nadeesha Ranasinghe

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MANAWATU LO C A L N OT I C E S

YOUNG FARMERS CLUB To the average person who isn’t the “farmy” type, (also known as a “towny”), the words “Young Farmers Club” may not mean much. You may have heard of the “Young Farmers Club”, seen them at clubs day, perhaps, cracking whips and such like. “What do you actually do in Young Farmers Club?” you may ask. Well, upon closer observation it may look as though we are a bunch of fruit loop farm kids, (the

mind, a positive attitude, and you’re a good keen lad or lass, at the very least you will gain friendships and a sense of a good job well done – especially after you’ve spent the last hour and a half throwing tyres on to a silage stack for fund raising, making that cold beer at the end that much more satisfying. Grace Pettit

kind that wear Red Band gumboots to the library) who meet on a regular basis and drink the local pub dry. It’s an easy assumption to make, and it has been said that Young Farmers is “a drinking club, with a farming problem”. In reality, we are that and so much more. Young Farmers is a nationwide club with multiple levels of membership, providing opportunities on both a social and professional level. Generally, the people attracted are those who share an interest in farming, agriculture, a sneaky beer or two, and the art of spinning and yarn. It’s pretty simple really. However, a key thing to remember is that you don’t have to be one, to be one. If a taste of farmy banter sounds like a bit of you, know that you don’t have to polish up a belt buckle and dig out your cowboy boots to join in the fun and reap the benefits from the professional networking the club accommodates. In 2012 the Palmerston North Massey University Farmers Club was the biggest club in the country with 160 members, and what a year it was! With a few of the slightly rowdy-er highlights being the Bus Trip to Hell (a pup crawl in a blacked-out bus), the Boots’n all and Duck Shooters balls, as well as the more lowkey professional club events like the skills day, and generate personal development programme. These types of events are organized through the professional development side of YFC. This year Massey YFC is looking to be bigger and better than ever. We have just had the first of our two planned “Bus Trip to Hell” events, which was a roaring success to the point it was cut short because a few of our first-year members couldn’t handle so much fun. There was a great turn-out for clubs day, and for our first professional development evening with guest speakers from ANZ bank providing food for thought for those in their last years of study. Some people are sceptical about the potential benefits they get from becoming a member of the club, and at risk of sounding like a cereal advertisement, you get out what you put in. If you approach the club with an open

Vet student? If yes, make sure you’re a member of MUVSA. Massey University Veterinary Student Association provides support for all students enrolled in the BVSc programme. Students pay just $30 in their first year and are then members until they graduate. If that isn’t good enough, joining MUVSA also makes them members of the New Zealand Veterinary Association (NZVA). MUVSA is a valuable club to be involved with because it frequently addresses student concerns and gives feedback with the faculty, ensuring students have an easy way to voice their opinions directly to the guys in charge – something the rest of us don’t get so easily! In addition to supporting smaller clubs such as the Massey Wildlife Club, SVECCs, and RADIC, MUVSA organises many social events. The next big one is Slave Auction. This is put on as a fundraiser by the third-year class for their halfway day, a celebration for third-year vet students when they are halfway done with their degree. They get into about eight small groups and come up with a funny or impressive skit/act that lasts 2-4 minutes. In the past these have included song and dance numbers, synchronized swimming, magic shows, and a live action interpretation of Harry Potter Puppet Pals. After the performance the groups are auctioned off for two hours of slave labour of the buyer’s choosing (obviously with limitations). Anyone can come – $2 entry, April 26 at the Event Centre on campus. Have a great time, laugh your head off, and maybe even bid on a group. The start time for this has not been decided yet. Another fun event coming up is Quiz Night, another third-year fundraiser. This is just like a normal quiz night except everyone is meant to come in themed costumes for their team. Each team pays a small fee and the prizes include bar tabs at the event’s location. Lecturers are also auctioned off to be members on the team that bids the highest. Quiz night will be held on 31 May, and will be immediately followed by a Happy Hour. The location

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FUN VETS’ SOCIETY

is as yet undetermined. Everyone is welcome to bring a team. As with the Slave Auction, the start time has also yet to be decided. MUVSA is a great club for vet students, heaps of fun, with great benefits for anyone involved in that faculty. Make sure to check it out. If you have questions about the club or would like to join one of the smaller branches, contact Kevin Frame at MUVSA_president@gmail.com Billy Innes-Drewery THE PAIN OF PAYING About 50 per cent of New Zealanders delay going to the dentist in fear of the likely cost if anything turns out to be wrong, according to a recent survey. And, once Kiwis reach the age of 18 this fear of the cost snowballs until they cannot bare the gum pain no more. To help overcome that fear, our very own MUSA has offered to subsidise half of our first oral examinations. Together with Carpenter’s Dental, MUSA has organised an opportunity for internal students under the age of 21 to receive a dental check-up on campus for just $21. Every Wednesday from 9am to 3pm, the Carpenter’s Dental van is on the Concourse where students are welcome to just show up. MUSA’s general manager, Dave Broderick, says student health is one of MUSA’s first priorities, and oral care is no exception. However, for students, the “dentist is usually last priority”. He says that if students are not in pain they have the tendency to avoid the dentist which then leads to bigger problems, meaning bigger bills. By paying half the check-up fee and offering dental care on campus, Dave is hoping to encourage students to get in early before the pain of the cost hurts more than the pain of the gums. He believes it’s especially a great programme for newcomers, because it means they won’t have to go out of their way to find a dentist or go off campus to attend the appointments. MUSA has made a commitment to the programme for a year and, depending on how successful it is, plans to make it permanent before extending the service to students over 21. So, if you’re over 21 and want to have access to cheap dental, get out there and drag those youngsters to the van every Wednesday. Jae Hae Lee

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WELLINGTON B E N T H O R P E N OT I C E S

Student President Resigns Wellington Student President, Ben Thorpe, has tendered his resignation effective June 28 2013 cutting short his second year of presidency by five months. When asked about why he is leaving Thorpe said he believed he has

passing of Voluntary Student membership is how relevant are students associations? This can be seen with the changing nature of how they are funded and have to apply for funding grants and subsidies from

happens in September and will be an open call for all student body elections) will also incorporate the President’s role. Welfare Vice President Charlotte Webb and

achieved what he set out to achieve and that he wished to continue his studies which were put on hold to take on the position. “The reasons are more philosophical reasons around my own personal ethos and expectations from life,” he said holistically. The resignation puts the Massey Wellington Students Association (MAWSA) in a period of unsettled leadership until a new President or stand-in leader can be found. “The President role is central in leading the organisation,” Thorpe says. “It [his resignation] could mean some degree of ‘mess’ but it is an opportunity for new blood and there are very capable students out there who have the ability to take on the position.” When asked about what ‘mess’ Thorpe was referring to, he responded saying that “it’s just the nature of the beast [during a handover] – it’s the same with any leadership. The service body will be fine, there will just be uncertainty until the new President is elected into the position. It will be the responsibility of the staff to make sure that person is integrated.” Instantly recognisable by his large afro and tall frame (the fro was originally grown as a bet but became so iconic around campus it was kept) Thorpe focused on creating a new vibe for the Wellington campus. He worked on a number of initiatives to increase life on campus. “I like to think that we’ve created a really sweet vibe on this campus over the last year and a bit, and we helped generate a sense of pride in being a Massey student in Wellington.” And on his mistakes, “I definitely wish I had more capacity to potentially act with a focus on the political side of things with student loan reform etc, but the priorities for have just simply been to focus locally on a campus scale. Personally – probably the sacrifice to my studies. I will watch my ‘year’ of peers graduate this year and it brings home the reality of what I came to University to do originally. There was also the Monica Lewinsky debacle, but that’s under the table now…” A question that has been largely in debate after the

the university. While this is a major challenge for every students association in the country, Thorpe still believes that students associations are still relevant but need to consider what their priorities are and what their purpose for existing is. “For Mawsa it came down to it came down to the notion that our first responsibility is to our students at Massey Wellington. On a campus which, arguably, was somewhat devoid of a solid and unique culture, I think that was our first priority. Students succeed when they buy into the personality and culture of their learning environment and how that integrates into their broader lives. Students here at Massey Wellington are not just your typical mainstream students; they are sophisticated, relevant, mature and have a sense of well-earned exclusivity about them – but are still young people with a desire to be a part of something greater, but the capacity to contribute on an individual scale to that greater thing. I honestly believe that if Students’ Associations are dynamic and are truly engaged with their students, they will always be relevant.” Under the constitution, MAWSA will need to either run a bi-election to officially elect a new President or the executive could be elected from within the executive or Vice Presidents. The selection process will most likely begin in April to allow for a handover period. Thorpe offers a last piece of advice to the next President, “You are here for Massey Wellington students. That is the most important and often forgotten point of this role. If you aren’t serving Massey Wellington students, then you aren’t doing your job. And they will decide that.” The current President’s working hours are set at 30 a week (paid honorarium) but Thorpe believes that the role is “not 30hrs of work substantially anymore.” At this stage before print, Thorpe was going into discussions with the MAWSA executive about the election dates and processes, of which had to be agreed on by the executive. The election process should happen mid-August, unless the annual election process (which

Education Vice President Lauren Parmenter are expected to serve as the interim executive leaders until the Presidential role is filled.

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Where did you go, my lovely (afro)? The last day of the first half of semester one saw the demise of a well-known Wellington Campus identity. Student President Ben Thorpe is still here (for now), but his much-stroked afro is no more. So why would someone with hair, perhaps, even more recognisable than his personage ditch such a core component of his identity? “The reason I did the shave was to use the profile around my hair to raise some money for a good cause! I’ve lost two uncles to cancer, my mother lost one of her best friends recently and an old friend’s Dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer too – it affects everyone. Also felt like I needed a haircut, so that was a bonus too!” The shave took place on the CoCA Concourse, under typically glorious Wellington sun, and was complimented by a BBQ and music. Donations appeared to flow freely. “In total we managed to raise $866, which is an awesome effort. Students often don’t have a lot money, so it was great to see them getting behind the cause,” Thorpe said. But how will he cope without the curls? “Having no hair isn’t too much of a change for me as I have done this quite often in the past. It is cold though, and winter is coming so I will definitely need to skin a wolf to make a beanie. I’m actually considering keeping it short for a bit, so hopefully people like the change – I’m enjoying it! I do miss the attention the afro used to get though... I do love people touching my noggin. I guess now it’s just easier to get to!” Coupled with the recent announcement of his resignation as Student President, Thorpe acknowledges their inevitability, but rejects the Sampson analogies. “There is more to me than the afro, I promise.”

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I’VE GOT A STALKER Why is it that when you are trying to avoid someone, for whatever reason, they seem to be able to track you down, like you have a tracking device tucked into your bag? Campus stalkers are out there, and they’re stalking us. Amie Broxton explains.

Stalkers. Without knowing it, during your university years you will have most likely picked one or two of these kinds of people up. You know the kind. Normally they find you when you’re at your weakest. It might be a small conversation in the line for coffee. Or maybe both of you reaching for the Red Bull cabinet and accidentally touching hands followed by some awkward laughter. Generally these situations happen when you’re on your own, alone and vulnerable to their advances. They’re often the creepy people who want to be your friend (or more) and you just can’t quite shake them off. These stalkers make a point of making you feel as uncomfortable as possible when they do bump into you around campus, shooting evil looks at the people you’re with and dragging you away into ‘private’ conversation. I have been stuck in this position a few times now. I’m getting pretty good at going into stealth mode. But what can you do to avoid them? From my experience, bathrooms are a pretty safe bet. Especially if your stalker is of the opposite sex. However, if they are the same sex and shameless, they will follow you into the loo and, breathing heavily, listen to you pee. In this situation you have no hope but to pretend to be late for a class. There is nothing shameful about hiding in bushes, behind bins, behind your folder, or even behind a passing stranger. (Please be aware that the passing stranger may think that you are now stalking them.) Change direction and walk the long way around. It sounds like it will take ages but trust me - you will still save time in the long run! Pretend to get a call and be deeply involved in it. This is great, but incredibly awkward if your phone goes off while you’re pretending. In that case, run and hope the stalker gets the picture, because surely nobody is that clueless. As an extreme last resort, you could pretend that someone you love is in grave danger. You could mutter at your stalker that your nana’s cat bit your friend and now he/she has rabies, and you have to take her to the doctors in the next 10 minutes or she will turn into a possum. I have used ALL of these. The bathroom is the most effective and the most polite. Of course, all of this is for nothing if they spot you and you don’t spot them. The resulting two-hour conversation about their life will evoke some pretty dark thoughts, especially if you have an assignment due. Being trapped in the depths of a classroom without windows makes the whole ordeal even more traumatising. But scarier than the thought of knowing all about your stalker’s current research into the BDSM lifestyle is that moment when they break out a little bit of information about you that you haven’t told them. This is when they raise the stakes. Massivemagazine.org.nz

Now they’re stalking your movements on campus as well as your life, eavesdropping on your conversations and tracking your Facebook. The moment you realise that they have more information about you than you have grudgingly handed over, you will start to wonder what security settings you have your profile set to. And how do you stop the leak of your private life into the stalker-sphere? Be warned. Some stalkers are sneakier than others. I would also urge you to think about who you add on Facebook. My general rule of thumb is, if I would WILLINGLY sit down and have a coffee with them, then friend request accepted. Anyone else is declined. After all, if I wouldn’t spill my life story over coffee, why would I want them learning about it through Facebook? I have a stalker, and it’s getting to the point where I’m sure they are going into stealth mode and using my stalker avoidance techniques to pounce on me. This is when things get really scary. Now that they know about your on-campus life, and they are somehow gleaning information about your private life out of unsuspecting victims or Facebook, they go into what I like to refer to as “Full Stalker” (similar to full Monty but thankfully with a lot more clothing involved). My stalker has taken it to this level, watching my every move, no doubt from behind some bush, painstakingly mapping out my weekly classes and down-time on campus. It’s taken a few weeks but finally my stalker has achieved A++ stalker status and asked me to lunch at the bar when they know I’m stuck on campus between classes! How on Earth is one supposed to be polite? I ask because my mum always says if you can’t say anything nice … So far I have managed to delay our impending lunch date, mainly with a combination of all of my avoidance techniques. Change it up. We all fall into a routine, so if you have a stalker, walk a different way to class each day. If you drive, park in a different area. Eat somewhere different if you can. All of these things should help to give your stalker a clear message: that you are on to them and you don’t appreciate the one-man-fan following. Beware: on campus we have people we bump into and recognise from our weekly routines. A smile and a wave or some polite basic chit chat is normal. There are people out there who might start with a polite conversation and then they turn out to be great friends who you have many years of contact with well after university is done. But there are those few who follow you like the evil swan, never quite knowing their intentions. Do they just want the bread in your hand or are they going to bite? Just about every stalker I know is an absolute softy – completely harmless in every way. It’s just that sometimes they are more work than we have time available to deal with.

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ECONOMIC DRILLING INTO THE HEART OF NZ In a sudden move at the end of last year, Brazilian oil giant Petrobras pulled out of oil exploration at New Zealand’s East Cape. However, Prime Minister John Key is resolved to continue uncovering New Zealand’s hidden wealth. In light of the second round of oil prospecting permits being released, Josh Berry investigates where deep-sea oil exploration is headed and if the tides of support for mineral exploration are turning.

In the isolated fishing settlement of Ngawi, where time stands still and New Zealand’s one-100% Pure image stands true, Garth Gadsby is relishing in the comfort of the crayfish dollar and his impending retirement. Perched atop a sun-drenched wooden deck overlooking the village’s expanse, Gadsby watches the morning’s comings and goings like the falcons circling overhead. As he looks over the horizon, the tail-end of a frontal system dissipates, leaving a warm salty atmosphere in its wake. The ocean below churns in the developing south-easterly wind and the cloud’s black shadows whimsically dance over the sea below. Life is good here, but what Gadsby doesn’t realise is that these black shadows drifting atop the ocean could one day come from an entirely different source, putting this slice of paradise which he has grown to love at risk. Ngawi lies 60 kilometres south of Martinborough, in the southern Wairarapa. Wedged between the foothills of Aorangi National Park to the north and the Cook Strait to the south, the village boasts a unique identity true to its heartland roots. Upon nearing the village, the severity of this desolate region is made clear. Storms constantly lash the sea-walls put in place to protect the fragile Cape Palliser Road, the only road in and out of Ngawi. Once you’ve made it through the labyrinth of obstacles and come over the last oneway bridge, the 9-hole golf course sits to the right complete with ocean views and dry tussock greens. Ahead on the beach in front of the Ngawi channel sit the fishermen’s famous bulldozers and boats, the tools of the trade for the residents of this unique settlement. Commercial crayfishing took off here in the 1970’s and since then the community has gone from strength to strength. However, these days there is less emphasis on the fishing, with the village boasting no more than 19 permanent residents. Ngawi may not be a holiday hot-spot, but over the past few decades it has transformed from a hardcore fishing village into a holiday home Mecca. In a sense, the village has let out its softer side, allowing out-of-towners to create a home away from home.

Keith Banks, resident of 20 years and owner of the boat Streaker II, agrees. “She’s a hunting, fishing, surfing paradise, a man’s beach not a woman’s beach,” he says. “We don’t have the nice sandy beaches like up in Paraparaumu – so we don’t get all the yuppies with their money!” In a nutshell, Ngawi is the perfect example of the kiwi dream lifestyle – the kind of place New Zealand families have flocked to for generations. The kind of place that has shaped the down-to-earth, happy-go-lucky culture we aspire to. A place to call a second home and a place to retire to once the nine to five stops beckoning. The ultimate kiwi dream of buying a bach by the sea is a long-standing tradition. In fact, 65 percent of New Zealanders live within five kilometres of the sea. With the total length of our coastline totalling 15,134km, it’s no wonder our love for the sea has been nestled into the ideal kiwi lifestyle. But this dream could all be over in an instant. Two years ago, the largest oil spill in recent times occurred in the Gulf of Mexico, bringing to light the dangers of deep-sea drilling. The Deepwater Horizon rig, which oil giant Anadarko had a 25 per cent stake in, was exploring for oil at depths reaching 1600 metres. A blow-out resulted in 648,288 tonnes of oil escaping the well, with resulting dramatic environmental effects on 1070 km of coastline, as well as killing 11 crew working on board. The estimated cost lies in the vicinity of US$40 billion (NZ$48 billion). Closer to home, on 8 October 2011, New Zealand experienced first-hand the effect that oil spills can have on an environment and an economy – the Rena cargo ship struck Astrolabe reef, 20km off the coast of Mount Maunganui, displacing 350 tonnes of oil. To date the clean-up cost lies in excess of $275 million. Despite a vast and effective clean-up, the incident brought to light just how unprepared New Zealand was. Earlier last year the National-led Government put up tenders for permits to explore sections of ocean for oil and minerals. Among the areas up for tender was the Pegasus Basin, lying 12 nautical miles off the Ngawi coastline, an area of ocean that reaches depths of 2500 metres in places, and an area of ocean that could spell the end for

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Ngawi and the surrounding coastline which is home to bountiful numbers of marinelife and an abundant crayfish industry. Last December, the Government released the names of successful bids for the second round of exploration permits. This came just one week after Brazilian oil giant Petrobras pulled out of its oil exploration in the Raukumara Basin, situated off the North Island’s East Cape. Petrobras bailed on its current permit, citing financial difficulties and a preference to explore oil reserves closer to Brazil. The company had reported losses for the first time in 13 years. Despite this, Finance Minister Bill English said the Government was not fazed by the ordeal and that there was interest from other companies. Another major factor in the release of the permits was that Anadarko had been awarded two exploratory permits for the widely unexplored Pegasus Basin. This is a factor that Green Party MP Gareth Hughes finds worrying given their relationship to the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. “The risks are obviously clear ... we’ve seen blowouts and oil spills before, most graphically the Deepwater Horizon spill in the Gulf of Mexico,” Hughes says. “We need to learn the lessons of these tragic disasters, which is that regulation, government monitoring, and independent oversight are critical – that’s what we’d be urging [for] the wider oil and gas sector.” According to risk assessment data taken from the International Association of Oil & Gas Producers between 1970 and 2007 there were 498 blowouts worldwide, of which 128 led to significant oil pollution. Essentially, 26 per cent of rig blowouts in that time caused serious environmental damage. While some may argue that oil drilling has been taking place safely in New Zealand for many years, the dangers posed by deep-sea drilling have gone largely unseen. To put things in perspective, currently New Zealand’s deepest oil rig sits in 120 metres of water in the Taranaki Basin. The permits awarded to Anadarko for the Pegasus Basin mean there could be rigs drilling down to 2000 metres plus. So what is being done about it? At this stage, not a lot. The Exclusive Economic Zone and Continental Shelf Bill has been introduced for consideration to promote the sustainable management of the natural resources off our coastline. The bill applies to activities beyond 12 nautical miles in the exclusive economic zone (EEZ). The Green and Labour parties are working on getting the bill to recognise the shortage of recovery plans if an environmental disaster were to occur through oil exploration, but these steps appear to be just minor hindrances for the National Government’s plans for oil exploration. Hughes believes the Government has a very strong agenda to push when it comes to oil drilling in New Zealand, despite a shortfall in regulation. “I think this is symptomatic of the failing economic policies of the John Key-

led government,” Hughes says. “We’ve got a drill-it, mine-it, frack-it approach for economic development.” Despite this, with the Exclusive Economic Zone and Continental Shelf Bill, the Government has begun to acknowledge the need for legislation, though the protection of the environment appears to be low on the priority list. Environment Minister Amy Adams says: “New environmental legislation will allow us to carefully manage development of the resources in our oceans, and help us unlock the enormous economic potential that lies in our oceans in an environmentally responsible way.” Sitting around the Gadsby dining room table, the attitude toward deep-sea oil exploration is surprisingly positive. This is contrary to past Ngawi generations, where blue-collar workers were in favour of a government working with the common people in mind. Despite the large risks that deep-sea drilling in the Pegasus Basin would impose on the village and on the fragile commercial crayfish industry, the locals are in favour of the Government’s plans. “We need to get some of our bloody resources in this country exploited,” Gadsby proclaims. “We’re sitting on our arse all the time, that’s the problem!” Gadsby’s not alone on this standpoint either. “We’ve got to think long term, for the better of the economy, and for a better standard of living,” Banks says. Maybe it’s the fresh air in Ngawi that gives the locals the ability to read between the lines of political and commercial spin. One thing for certain is that the faces of these hardened few are brimming with confidence at the Government’s ability to explore and execute successful and safe drilling operations. “Ngawi will always be here,” Banks asserts with the intuition of a weathered fisherman. “Even though the percentage of permanent residents has gone down, it will always be a fishing village – nothing can change that, not even a big oil disaster.” The stereotypical traits of the humble, modest New Zealander envelop these villagers. Their generation’s lifestyle may be destroyed, yet they are satisfied with this gloomy forecast. This is because their eyes are set on the financial gains that the wider society would inherit. “I think the New Zealand Government is smart enough not to have any cowboys doing that sort of stuff,” Banks says. “Our crayfish industry will suffer for a few years, but the country as a whole will be better off.” At this point in the deeply pivotal conversation, his face lights up. He leans across, slams a gentle palm upon the table and declares in a deep husky voice: “For all we know, we could be sitting on top of the next Saudi Arabia!”

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WALK IN WORRY: CLEAN TRADES WANTED Is Facebook group Walk In Wardrobe a responsible site, or a site for scammers and thieves? Abbie Hines sets out to find the answers, and suggests how we can protect ourselves when trading online.

Many people are familiar with the popular Walk In Wardrobe group that many girls use to buy and sell items on Facebook. It’s generally cheap, social, easily accessible, and free – all wonderful attributes for an online sales entity that can be well used by the budget-wary student market. But how safe is it really? MASSIVE decided to investigate due to an outcry from users who feel they have no control or protection when using the site, and that they do not know who to trust. Our investigation took us through a survey of Walk In Wardrobe users, and to spokespeople from TradeMe, the Police, and three of the big banks. Our survey of 50 randomly selected Walk In Wardrobe users was conducted with the intention of finding out if people choose to use Walk In Wardrobe instead of TradeMe or ebay for convenience and popularity, and whether their experiences with Walk In Wardrobe have been positive or negative. The survey revealed that 74 percent of users have had one or more positive experiences, 8 percent a negative experience, and 18 percent a mixture of both. Of those surveyed, an astounding 98 percent said they used Walk In Wardrobe instead of sites such as TradeMe and ebay (which both give legally-binding honest trading assurances) because it was more convenient and/or popular. So what does safe-trading site TradeMe offer the public? Jon Duffy from TradeMe’s Trust and Safety team says that “social networking sites are great at connecting people, but they don’t do much to formally measure and police reputation and conduct in a similar way that, for example, [TradeMe’s] feedback system does. “That’s not to say that people haven’t seen success in their own social circles when it comes to buying and selling items, but our advice is to stick to sites that are set up specifically to provide a trading forum.” But what lawful honest trading assurance does a Facebook group have? According to Mawsa’s Communications Manager Mike Ross (whose thesis addressed social media discourse), “Facebook’s terms and conditions should absolve them of any liability for commercial interactions between users. Similarly, page admins should be covered under the same terms. “That said, while it’s a comparatively new area legally, discussions had with, and promises made by individuals on Facebook could well be used in disputes proceedings relating to implied contracts.” So how did Walk In Wardrobe start up? The page’s co-founder, Gemma Copas, told MASSIVE that the group started in November 2011 “really just for me as I had a lot to sell … and wanted to connect with a smaller group of friends who were like minded”. Since then it has expanded to a female-dominated fashion empire of more than 30,000 girls all scrambling for bargains. Having expanded in the first year to 8,000 users (mostly females) the group was manageable and stable, but Copas says she Massivemagazine.org.nz

wanted more girls to be involved and enjoy the benefits of quick, easy, painless trading. “I wanted it to be a free community for girls to buy and sell … I wanted to bypass TradeMe with all the fees, and as the community expanded, Walk In Wardrobe was open for all girls wanting high quality and/or fashionable designer clothing, shoes and accessories.” But as the group expanded, more dodgy and unreliable sales became common. As long-time site user Alexander Cowan says, “There’s increasing problems with people stealing other people’s money.” Another user, Louise Broughton, has had many positive experiences. She sells regularly and is happy to use Walk In Wardrobe because it is “definitely more convenient with no charge for selling items and is also much quicker to sell”. Although the bigger returns were was a positive aspect, unfortunately there are scammers who are more than willing to trade their integrity for a quick buck or two. Georgia Perrot-Hunt was caught up in what she believed was a scam. She purchased an iPhone4 from the group. The phone was locked, which was fine because it was made clear by the seller that it was from overseas and would have to be unlocked. PerrotHunt took the phone to be unlocked, but this wasn’t possible because, she was told the phone was blacklisted, meaning it was either stolen or had been used for illegal activity. When MASSIVE contacted the seller of the phone, she claimed it wasn’t her fault. TradeMe’s Jon Duffy says that “in addition to the non-delivery of goods, buyers using unregulated sites also face the very real risk of purchasing counterfeit goods. TradeMe operates an extensive intellectual property rights program designed to eliminate the trade in counterfeit goods.” Cowan says “the basic idea of Walk In Wardrobe is great but you can’t safeguard something like that … people are always on edge so if there’s a hiccup in the sale they freak out.” MASSIVE talked to Auckland Police Officer Heng Leung about Perrot-Hunt’s expierence with the locked cellphone. He said “decisions are made on personal judgment, and especially over the internet any person can seem friendly and sincere. However, they could be a thief – no one can predict that.” The seller told Perrot-Hunt’s father that she was not sure why the phone would be blacklisted and “maybe the best option is to sell the phone”. Perrot-Hunt has taken the issue one step further and reported the incident to the police, but three weeks later she had heard nothing back. Officer Leung said: “Police don’t have the time and resources to waste hunting down a $50 dress … this is an unofficial site – there are no legal obligations to follow through with … if someone is willing to purchase items over Facebook it’s at their own risk.” Gemma Copas says she manages the group’s administration along with associate Helle Weston (who is currently in India), and as the group expands, the time available to manage it dwindles.

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The Facebook page states that you “can draw our attention to any suspicious listings by commenting ADMIN underneath the post.” Copas says: “I get e-mails all the time like, ‘I received a pair of shorts and there’s a stain in the crotch’, and there’s just not much more I can do. She said that the group has grown so rapidly that it was a big job for one person to control everyone. “It’s like I’m the mother of 30,000 girls … I don’t really find the time to oversee everything at all! I go on Walk In Wardrobe in quiet moments of work and when I can.” As the group has expanded, more cases of unfaithful buyers have swept the page. Sarah Manning says the group has “gotten worse as time has gone on. When I first used it everyone was so punctual and honest with selling and buying, but now I get nervous to buy things because people joke and lie about the value of what they are selling. I have tried selling my own things and people don’t commit to buying like they used to.” She says there was a time when the fashion was of good quality and the girls using the page were honest and reliable “it was a tight knit group and was cool. Then I thought I want people to invite other people and to branch out to an even bigger community, in 2012 it really just took off.” It seems that since the group became open to the public, more con artists have taken advantage of it. Copas says: “With more scammers on the page, they can create profile pages that look legit and get away with it, but the site runs itself, in the sense I’ve got a disclaimer up in the ‘about’ section. And I do give girls advice on how to buy safely, check profiles, make sure they’ve got more than 20 friends, or they’re not just new to Facebook, as those would be your alarm bells.” Officer Leung stresses: “Safer sites such as TradeMe and ebay have a much more successful track record and I would advise to stick with them.” Duffy agrees. “TradeMe is a really dumb place to do something dodgy. Deep footprints of electronic information are left behind. We also have a close working relationship with the police. In saying this, 99.99 per cent of all transactions go through without problems, but like any large community, there are a few bad apples. We’re committed to finding these people and assisting prosecution wherever possible.” Although Walk In Wardrobe is for ‘on trend’ items, Copas understands “people’s idea of ‘on trend’ would differ, now that the group has reached small towns so girls there may not have a lot of the high end designer stuff. “What they’re selling is a little different. It’s so diverse and I opened it up to everybody. A lot of people have mentioned the group is on a downward spiral, but with more users the variety will differ.” Copas says she has nothing but good intentions and high hopes for the site. She still hopes that in the future girls will be more careful with trading and that scammers will stop taking advantage of what had been a good thing until recently. Nonetheless it is one of the downsides to the site being on Facebook. “There’s not a lot I can do as there

are no legal rights to sell on Facebook. It’s a trust situation.” To solve that problem and eliminate scammers, Copas would have to have a better online platform. “I hoped I could turn it into an app but I don’t have the resources to do it on. A website costs six to eight grand for a good one. To get anything out of it I would have to charge and I don’t want to do that.” Being a vegan who is very conscious of the environment and the principle of a consumer society, she sees Walk In Wardrobe as supporting recycling. “I see it as keeping things moving and going within the community, rather than continuously buying and buying. It’s just good to keep things rotating between us.” And that is how it should be: recycling fashion and being able to rely on fellow allies for a safe trade. Sadly, nothing is perfect and Walk In Wardrobe is no exception. However, there are ways of overcoming a scam. Copas emphasises that traders should be sensible and responsible by following her steps to (hopefully) safe trading. What it boils down to is common decency and morality. The fact of the matter is, as individuals, we cannot depict how someone else will behave, who is untrustworthy or who will steal from you over the internet. MASSIVE approached ANZ, ASB and Westpac banks and asked the following questions: ‘If I were a customer of your bank and made an online payment to someone for a good or service which I had not received, is it within the power of the bank to reverse my transaction and what would the process be?” All the banks have a dispute process they go through. When asked if people can fairly easily get their money back, the ANZ helpline operator said that “it depends on whether the other bank is compliant … there are no guarantees and is not too successful.” The operator also said it “depends on how long you wait, that someone filing to have a transaction returned would have a better success rate the earlier the dispute form was filled.” The ASB operator said that time was not an issue – a dispute form could be filled and sent to the disputes team at no charge. The dispute team then could “contact the receiver of the pay directly.” The Westpac operator said that a dispute must be filed with the bank within 30 days of the transaction, but it could take their disputes team “up to 60 days or so” to respond. The ANZ operator says that “once the person has received the money, it is now theirs. We’d recommend trusting who you are paying and pay attention to previous comments left about the seller.” In summary, it seems that some lucky few have relatively honest, smooth and successful trades through Walk In Wardrobe. However, much caution is recommended because if you are caught in a scam, there’s not much you or anyone else can do about it.

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STUDENT WORK: A STUDY IN UNFAIRNESS The life of a student – work, study, play. However, when work starts to take over the other two, who’s to blame? With study often being the part which is sacrificed, students need to question how fair this is to themselves, and to the reputation of working students as a whole. Rachel Purdie reports.

‘Student towns’ such as Palmerston North, Wellington, and Auckland, are full of students needing to support themselves in some way, shape or form. Some have managed to save over the years. Others borrow from relatives. And still others need to turn to the government in the hope that they will provide enough to get them through, all the while trying to turn a blind eye to the fact that when the study stops, the repayments start. Sure, these payments may pay the bills with enough left over to buy a few packets of mi goreng to scrape through the week, but this is hardly enough. To be able to survive as a student, many turn to part-time work. Four such students decided to make this move, only to be angered by their employer’s attitudes over the terms of their employment, resulting with two quitting, and the other two currently looking elsewhere. Working in the retail and hospitality industries, respectively, they are faced with the problems and encounter the difficulties that many other working students face throughout the various ‘student towns’. Employers in student towns are aware of how many keen workers there are out there, and treat them accordingly. If one employee makes a mistake, there are plenty more eager and willing to step into their shoes. This means that student employees are often given the short end of the stick, being assigned the undesirable tasks, with the employer basking in the knowledge that there will be little complaint. These undesirable tasks are not cleaning the toilets and mopping of floors – no, the short end of the stick in this case is the late hours, the weekends and split shifts, and the worry that if you complain or need a shift changed it will result in a bad reference or loss of job. Study defined as full-time is expected to take 40-48 hours per week, including lectures, tutorials, assessments, and of course, the required readings. Employers may not be aware of this, simply thinking university is a few lectures a week and an exam. Or they may know, but simply do not care. As one working student said, “they are more concerned with making money”. Even with this full-time work load, work still needs to be slotted in, with all of our four students agreeing they “need to work to survive” – like many others out there. If relying on only the government for income, $170.80 could be coming your way if approved for Student Allowance, or slightly more if applying for Loan Living Costs at $172.51. Realistically, this is not enough, with Yvonne, working in the retail industry, saying “I need to work in order to buy food and (attempt to) have a social life – without work I would be screwed!” The others echoed those thoughts. One way employers attempt to work cooperatively is by asking for availability, then to roster shifts accordingly. However, this isn’t a guarantee they will actually take this into consideration. Lucy, after completing her availability for the month in the hospitality industry, received her roster for the week and couldn’t understand why she Massivemagazine.org.nz

was rostered on to a shift starting at 6pm when she had supplied her employer with a timetable clearly stating that she finished class that day at 6pm. No matter how good a worker students may be, it is just not humanely possible to be in two places at once. A similar situation confronted Helen, who is also working in the hospitality industry, with her employer not even paying attention to the availability that she outlined by “scheduling work through class times”. When Lucy and Helen brought these issues to their managers’ attention, instead of an apology, both were told to either work the shift (and therefore miss or leave their classes early) or arrange cover for the shift, using their own time and resources to ring around other staff members. On top of this, Lucy is again and again given the dreaded close/open shift, finishing late at night to return home to bed, only to have to set the alarm to return to work a mere few hours later. Not only is this exhausting, it also leaves little time for study or even socialising for a bit of a break – and all students know what an essential part of the university life socialising is! The word ‘exam’ carries a meaning of importance, whether you are a student or not. Everyone knows that an exam means business. Well, apparently not for some employers. An exam is not as simple as turning up on the day and hoping for the best – they require a lot of work, and for most students this is done in the last few days and hours leading up to doom day. Yvonne says “it felt like I was expected to choose to go to work rather than turn up for my exam”. She was told that four weeks’ notice would be required for a day off because, yes, everyone knows what they are doing four weeks in advance. Even after she gave notice for time off near an exam, pressure was still put on her to choose work, even though it should have been granted because the requirements were met. This attitude is mirrored by Helen’s employer when confronted about the pressure she felt around these times. Her employer is “not at all” considerate, with them “thinking work is a good study break, with the bonus of getting paid”. For any employer to expect a student to not show up for an exam which is often the defining moment in passing or failing a paper that costs several hundred dollars, all for a few hours of often mind-numbing work at the minimum wage, is crazy. Many students, however, are trapped in this crazy world. They do not speak up about unfair treatment by their employer for fear of loss of hours or responsibility, a bad reference, or even termination of employment and to be replaced by one of the many and willing students lining up around the corner. Yvonne, after needing time off for an exam, was pressured with the question, “What’s more important? Your job or study?” She felt that if she chose wrong in the eyes of her employer she would face having her hours minimised or would be treated differently. Having chosen study and the exam over work, she was subtly stripped

of responsibility, and she did not feel as though so would have been considered for promotion in the company down the track. But not even a whole day needs to be asked to be had off, with Nicki, working in the retail industry, “ask[ing] to finish work simply an hour early as [she] had an exam the next morning and needed to study, but [she] was denied”. This wasn’t an isolated incident, either, with this continuing throughout the entire year. Feeling that she would be stripped of hours, Nicki would work the shift, and even take on extras when asked rather than take the risk. Molly is on the other side of the fence, the one with the greener grass. She is like the other students, in that she relies on the income from her job to support herself. However, she has an employer who understands her needs. Molly describes her boss as being especially considerate around exam and assessment periods, and that she “always asks for [her] timetable and rosters around [her] study needs”. Not only do they plan in advance so Molly has enough time to study, but she “is [also] very understanding and will even let [her] swap shifts” at short notice if an assignment is due the next day and it isn’t fully completed - and we all know how crucial those last few hours are ! More employers need to be like this, and adopt an attitude appropriate to dealing with students in the workforce. The Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment says ‘the law protects all people from unlawful discrimination; this includes discrimination on the grounds of: age etc”. Because most students are perceived as the young ones within the business does not give the employer the right to treat them unfairly, based on their age or the fact that they are a student. “An employer can’t treat you differently … compared to other … employees”, however, as seen by Nicki, Lucy, Helen, and Yvonne, this, unfortunately, may very well be the case. Students need to work to study, study to one day be able to only play, and pay for play by working. This vicious cycle is never even, with work often taking over the other two, or even just study, mainly due to the employer not being understanding of the pressures placed on university students. This needs to be stopped by students speaking up, otherwise employers will believe they can walk all over students. Employees should be treated equally, whether they are a student or not. Employers need to realise that it is not only the reputation of working students that is being created, but also theirs is being diminished as students talk among each other – and no one would want to work for someone who treats students unfairly. * Names have been changed

The word ‘exam’ carries a meaning of importance, whether you are a student or not. Everyone knows that an exam means business. Well, apparently not for some employers.

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LECTURERS: OUT WITH A BANG? Student and lecturer intimate relationships are a murky area. Considered by some to be distasteful, immoral, and wrong, are there actually any laws that say lecturers cannot have relationships with students outside their institutional roles? Yasmine Jellyman seeks the answers.

It seems like every time we look at the news there is something related to student/ teacher relationships. Usually this is involves older teachers dating 15- to 18-year-old high-school students, claiming to be in love and leaving their wife and kids for a student who is close to their own children’s age. These relationships have led to marriage and even kids. Teachers are more than likely fired or quit, are deregistered from teaching or, in some cases, face criminal prosecution and fines. This is usually because the student is a minor. But what about lecturers and tutors having relationships with university students? Whether it is a quickie for an A grade or actually committing to a serious consensual relationship, can lecturers and tutors be fired, deregistered or face arrest and fines for sexual misconduct with students? In the end it comes down to this; is it okay for a lecturer or tutor to have relations with students that are not academically based? As it turns out, yes, it is okay – there is no concrete rule that says that you can’t. James Gardiner, Massey University’s Communications Director says “Massey University staff are expected to act professionally in their roles. If a complaint was received about a staff member’s behaviour it would be investigated and, if upheld, appropriate action taken. This could range from a formal warning to dismissal.” Ryan Willoughby, President of the Massey Association of Communication Students’ group (MACS) says “I’d say I don’t approve if it’s not declared. At the end of the day, you cannot be objective as an educator [if you’re in a relationship with a student]. I’ve known [of ] a tutor/student relationship - they declared it and had the student transferred.” A former Massey tutor, who wished to remain anonymous, says that “there was no formal policy in place regarding students having relationships with their lecturers and tutors. However, there was a clear expectation that this would not happen, and were it to happen, the department would be informed so that marking and unfair biases could be taken into consideration.” He continues: “It’s a difficult one for universities as the presence of mature students, whom may well be the same age (or older) than the lecturer or tutor, changes the dynamic from what you would find in a secondary school. It would be grossly ignorant to think that you could throw down a blanket rule that would cover all possibilities of relationships that could form within a university.” Gardiner sums it up: “A relationship between a staff member and a student would not, in itself, constitute misconduct”. But would the matter be a criminal offence, outside of Massey policies? “A matter would not generally come before a court unless there was a breach of the criminal law,” says Neil Billington, Judicial Communications Advisor at the Courts of New Zealand. The issue and discussion appears to fall under morality and reputation, rather than lawfulness and policy. The former Massey tutor says “it was most certainly frowned upon”.

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Although lawful, some advise against it – for both students and lecturers. Massey Wellington Students’ Association Advocate Sian Aldred says “I would definitely advise against lecturer/student relationships. Professional boundaries exist for a reason and it would be almost impossible for a lecturer to avoid bias, i.e. in assessing a student’s work if they were having a personal relationship with them. Fortunately, I have never had to deal with this scenario in my time as Advocate at Massey.” According to the Massey University Policy Guide: Policy on Staff Conduct, section 6.2.3, it states that staff must act in good faith – “acting honestly, fairly and reasonably in all dealings with students.” Could it mean that a conflict of interest or unfair marking grades could occur due to a student’s work being marked by a lecturer they were in an intimate relationship with? Section 6.2.4 states that staff must ensure that his/her actions and behaviour are always ethical and professional and that they must declare “all conflicts of interest and ensure that any relationships formed in the workplace do not compromise the professional standards expected of him/her. It seems that the larger concern within the university environment is that lecturers and tutors could be held liable for student claims of sexual harassment where the initiation of a romantic or physical interest in the student is not consensual or returned. “It is made clear that one should be careful. There are no policies around relationships, but there are strong anti-sexual harassment policies,” says the former tutor. Massey University’s Harassment at Work Policy on sexual harassment is specific and clearly outlines the parameters of what harassment is and is not. Section ii states that sexual harassment is “unwanted attention of a sexually oriented nature” and “may include an implied promise of reward for complying with a sexually oriented request”. Aldred admits she has encountered Massey students who may have been confronted with this issue. “There have been other concerning incidents … [in the past] at Massey with tutors exhibiting unprofessional behaviour and not acting professionally in their teaching roles. Disturbingly, this is unfortunately more common than people would think. Incidents often go unreported, or are left for a long time without the student broaching the problem for fear of retribution. Usually when approached, these teaching staff will have been completely unaware of their actions and their effect on students, while some will be confrontational and not take constructive criticism well. “The main cause of such behaviour, I believe, is due to inadequate teacher training and candidates ill-suited to the demands of teaching. Unlike primary and secondary schools, tertiary institutions still do not require teaching staff to have undergone any teacher training.” Massey University Policy Guide: Policy on Staff Conduct, section 6.2.4 states that staff must respect the rights and interests of students and work harmoniously and courteously with them. When standards for staff are not met, it states that the university may “invoke the formal disciplinary procedures”. However, the Massey University Harassment at Work Policy says “Friendships, sexual or otherwise, where both people consent to the relationship” does not constitute harassment. Students may be more blasé about their approach to a relationship with a teacher because they feel the obligation to be seen to be on moral high ground lies more with the lecturer, who is being paid by the University to teach, than with the student who is paying the university to be taught. Here are some student views on the issue: When asked whether or not she would undertake a relationship with a lecturer, Rachael Coomber says “I probably wouldn’t do it because no one here is worth it… but if they looked like Mr Fitz from Pretty Little Liars I would!” Charlie Hopkins says “It would be easy grades but I think it really depends on how your associated school runs its tutorials. It seems for BCA students they do everything in their tutorial, hand in assignments and their tutors do grade their work, compared Massivemagazine.org.nz

to us Bachelor of Science (BSc) kids who have barely had a tutorial in our lives. My tutorials are one hour a week, we don’t have to sign up for them and we just turn up. We just ask questions about our assignments, we don’t submit (or even do any) work in our tutorials so our tutors have no say over our grade or performance. So I would date a tutor because it couldn’t affect either of us. Maybe not [if studying] for BCA because of the conflict of interest. I know a few people who have had disciplinary action for relationships with Residential Assistants (RAs) but going for the lecturer is next level really. Maybe because of age rather than position, though.” Tory Regan says the “issue is with age; lecturers are usually 10 times older than students. Plus there should be professional boundaries. Any teacher has to say no to that”. Will Lawrence says “as long as it doesn’t show favouritism I guess it is okay. I’d do it because I think it would be funny and could be kinky. Sometimes it’s a fetish for people. I haven’t heard of it happening, though.” The website studentbeans.com conducted the UK’s first Student Sex Survey in 2011. Some 2818 people spilled the beans about their sex life and 1.5% (40 people) of those who took the survey claimed to have slept with a university lecturer or tutor. Such stories circulate on the internet constantly. Unlike the UK, sleeping with lecturers and tutors seems to be more common in New Zealand. Regardless whether or not these are true, they can have serious consequences. Some are plain disturbing to other people. Here are just some of the many stories I found. It is worth mentioning that these are possibly unfounded, are from an international website, are not necessarily true and do not necessarily relate to instances between Massey University staff and/or students : “I’m a tutor and I’ve slept with 15 students this year. Best job ever!” “I’m a tutor and I already have my eye on one or two students in my class. Let’s hope they need lots of help this trimester.” “Banged my tutor after being in town with her last night! Crazy bitch had been hitting on me all trimester, then last night I allowed her to sample the goods.” “I received oral from a lecturer in a bathroom.” “My mother paid for private tutoring for me because I was struggling. And I’m still having sex with the tutor a year later.” “I can’t believe this actually happened, but I went to my lecturer’s office to ask him something and I’d always thought he was kind of hot, even for an older guy. Anyway, we were talking and he leaned in close to me and we kissed. We ended up fucking on his desk. He left for overseas at the end of the year with his wife and kids. Needless to say that was the easiest A+ of my life”. “I had left something in my office (I’m a tutor) and went back to uni at night. As I unlocked the door, I walked in on the guy I share the office with having sex with a student. They didn’t see me, so I snuck back out – after staying for a few seconds longer than I should’ve”. It seems that the people who are supposedly doing this are doing it for better grades rather than having a real connection with the other person, but who really knows? It seems safe to say that most see it as quite a taboo activity – it is not something you hear widely talked about on campus. It’s really a moral issue, instead of a lawful one. If you are mature about it and can deal with the situation, especially afterwards, then who is to say you can’t do it? If you do, be prepared for the perhaps awkward encounter of sitting in your lecture or tutorial looking at the teacher you had sex with last night, and be careful that you do not find yourself in a situation in which you could be vulnerable. As the former Massey tutor said: “Sometimes the students are greasier than the tutors.” It’s worth considering that although their jobs would probably be safe, their reputations may not, and as a student pursuing a teacher, be aware that you could get them into trouble and/or seriously damage their reputations among their colleagues.

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IN SEARCH OF PARTY CULTURE For years now, the media has bombarded New Zealand’s party culture. From drink and drugs to sex and clubs, youth have become somewhat world-renowned for being party animals. So why do people engage and invest in this party culture? How is this fun and what’s the point? BLAKE LEITCH went to find out.

As someone in a wheelchair who has lived a relatively conservative lifestyle up until recently, this idea of ‘party culture’ has confused and engaged me. I do not understand the reason for party culture nor have I enjoyed the times prior to writing this article that I have spent involved in the party culture. Before diving headfirst into the darkness of the night life, let’s just find out exactly what is involved in party culture.

these determinations, West Virginia University was the top party school. Playboy’s top-10 party school list is ranked according to three categories: “sex, sports and nightlife.” As such, despite being only 16th in sport, the University of Virginia managed to claim top prize for being 3rd and 2nd in nightlife and sex, respectively. So, according to these two outlets, party culture can really be focused on nightlife, sex and sport.

The What Despite being a popular pastime within youth culture, there is no actual definition of party culture. By way of Google search, the only thing that comes close in the first dozen pages is a Segen’s Medical Dictionary definition on ‘raves’, although I’m sure that word was phased out after the 80’s. However, for the sake of context, a rave was defined as “a party designed to enhance a hallucinogenic experience through music and behavior, which consists of an all-night dance session at a club or party, accompanied by the ingestion of recreational levels of a designer drug of abuse, ecstasy”. Despite sounding like it came straight out of Footloose, this definition doesn’t sound too dissimilar to what I would expect, although I thought it would be a bit more of the ‘bump and grind’ orientation. So, with a lack of any real definition on party culture, I decided there was only one thing for it: find out what tertiary institute parties hardest in the good ol’ US of A. There are two outlets that annually rank as the top party schools in the USA: The Princeton Review and Playboy. Although both maintain a high level of prominence, their lists of party schools are extremely different. So what are the determinants that these lists are based on? The Princeton Review website says its list is “based on students’ answers to survey questions concerning: the use of alcohol and drugs at their school, the number of hours they study each day outside of class time, and the popularity of fraternities/ sororities at their school”. It seems needless to say, but schools that were low on study, high on drink and drugs, and high on fraternities/sororities were deemed party schools. According to

The Student Voice Partying cannot truly be talked about without partiers. So I got in contact with Shelby Cooper and Calley Copley, two students at Massey. Although Shelby said she wasn’t heavily involved in the party culture, she admitted to being quite social. On the other hand, Calley said she most certainly was a partier. Shelby said the reason she wasn’t heavily involved was because of her hectic work schedule. I asked if her partying had ever affected her social or professional life. “Yes – it has made me late and throw up in a sink as soon as I got to work, but after some food I was good to go.” This is a particularly interesting facet of party culture: partiers have an intimate knowledge of the often brutal aftermath, but they still show a willingness to deal with it. So, why does she party? What makes it fun? “I like to let loose and hang out with my friends.” A short, simple reply. This was the most common response I have received to this question, and seems to be the primary motivator for partiers. Moving forward, I mentioned the defining factors of party culture: sex, sports, nightlife. I asked if she agreed with this, and if she thought it needed to be changed. “That sounds really American. Mine is more along the lines of being with a group of friends, having a bit of a boogie somewhere and then ending the night with some drivethru,” before quickly mentioning: “We always have a sober driver or taxi, of course.” So nothing really about sport or sex. I asked about her view on sex as a part of the party culture, especially considering that not six years ago New Zealand women were listed as the most promiscuous women in the world by a Durex study.

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She said she thought it was “hilarious, but probably not something to be proud of.” She followed this by saying, “I’m a lady.” Well, if a lady is meant to behave in a certain manner, what’s the different between men and women? “In contradiction to my previous comment, I hang out with mainly males who mistake me for a guy, so we’re usually on the same level. I guess when I have a girl’s night out, it’s about getting dolled up and sticking with your girls for the night. When I’m out with the boys, I usually help wingman them to get girls.” I asked Calley the same questions: what effect did partying have on her social or professional life? “Partying has affected both parts,” she said, “I’ve missed work due to hangovers and done stupid things with friends that have affected relationships.” What about university? “It’s never affected my uni work in any way. I’ve missed classes but because of good time-management I’ve been able to fit in partying around studies and make time for hangovers around study.” Also, “as you grow up you learn your priorities. Now I’m 21, I know. At 18, my mindset was a lot different.” Priorities may have changed, but she still parties. Why? “I party because it’s so much fun. It breaks up the weekend and it’s a chance to see friends in a totally different environment. Things happen that don’t usually happen.” So would she agree with the defining factors of party culture being sex, sports and nightlife? “I don’t define party culture as any of those three. It’s a chance to get out of your comfort zone and do things with friends that our sober mind usually wouldn’t. You tend to gain an unnatural confidence which allows you to come out of your shell and make so many new friends. It’s a way of socialising that many young people prefer.” In a way, that makes sense – meeting new friends and socialising. Surely there must then be some memorable times worthy of storytelling? “Some of the most memorable partying experiences have been those I have pieced together the next day.” So the most memorable moments were those lacking memory? “It sounds terrible, but there’s something about being told how silly, fun, exciting you were and not knowing it. But the best night I’ve ever had was at a friend’s 21st on

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his farm in Karaka. Debauchery was the flavour of the night.” So sex is a big part of party culture. How did she feel about New Zealand women being named the world’s No. 1 sex-hounds? “As an English girl coming to New Zealand, I can definitely see how that can be said. I think in some aspects it is true; however I believe it’s more-younger people. I don’t see myself or any of my female friends as promiscuous, but it is very easy to see when going out in town or to parties.” So there is a tendency for New Zealand girls to act that way. What does she think the difference is between men and women in party culture? “I think women make the grave mistake of trying to keep up with their male friends. Women tend to forget how much alcohol they can handle and can easily go overboard. I know, I’ve done it! Men seem to be more ruthless in the way they drink.” So it seems that party culture is usually based on nightlife and sex, at least in New Zealand. The Academic Voice But what about from a theoretical perspective? Dr Lesley Patterson is a sociology professor at Massey Palmerston North, and her expertise in New Zealand society allowed for some interesting insight. I asked whether those involved in party culture used it as a form of identity management – a way for those involved to find who they really are. “I guess what I could say as a sociologist is that any culture identities are ‘produced’, so party cultures will ‘produce’ particular identities.” Seeing as party culture is influenced so heavily by sex, drugs, and heavy alcohol consumption, I asked whether it was a result of a more liberal society. “I think sociologists and anthropologists would argue people have always come together to do things. This co-presence can generate particular ‘feelings’ within individuals as well as within groups, and produces a sense of belonging.” She continued: “It might be possible to argue that party culture provides a context for forms of co-presence and a sense of belonging that in an increasingly individualistic and secular society are hard to access in other ways. In other words, party culture does meet a human ‘need’ for transcendence of the ordinary and everyday through social connection.”

Dr Patterson said there are many anthropologists and sociologists who do research into the study of subcultures, but that, unfortunately, there was no one doing this sort of work at Massey currently. The Business Voice As good as the voice is from the partier, as good as it is from the academic, it was the voice of the businessman that made me understand a little bit better. Paul G is the Director of Legal Highs NZ, and took some time to do an interview. I asked him about the ideals of party culture – were they based on sex, drugs, and nightlife? “The party culture ideals seem to change here in New Zealand,” he said, “depending on things like the weather and what’s popular on music TV. But with movies coming out from Hollywood all the time, like Project X and Spring Breakers, which focus on sex, drugs and nightlife, it’s pretty clear what the party culture ideals are.” In 2007, a survey showed that 80% of drug users began under the age of 21. I asked Paul why he thought youth were so much more involved in drugs. “Purely because drugs provide a new experience to young people. They’re new, they’re exciting, and they change your perspective of the world and those around you.” The survey showed a similar statistic on youth and heavy drinking, and I asked Paul the same question, this time in regards to alcohol. “As much as people don’t like to admit it, alcohol is a drug, just like any other. It provides young users with a new experience and acts as a social lubricant in younger groups where people are still finding themselves and learning to socialise on perhaps a more intellectual and mature level. Some people never grow out of this and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.” How so? “Alcohol reduces anxiety, suppresses inhibitions, increases confidence, and makes most people feel good. This is the perfect drug for almost any social situation, and its effects are particularly enjoyable in a party environment. Young people generally seem to have less responsibilities and they like to party. What more can I say?” Well, there was one more report from the same time which claimed that nearly half of secondary school students had had sex (from Year 9 to Year 13). Is the prevalence of drugs, sex and alcohol a bad thing? Why or why not?

“We as human beings are still programmed, through evolution, to have sex and reproduce at a young age. I can agree that alcohol and its suppression of inhibitions may increase the desire for sex, but so long as schools and parents are teaching and providing effective contraception, I don’t see this as a bad thing. Alcohol and drugs can often help people of all ages get through these awkward first moments, but can also have destructive consequences if proper care isn’t taken to partake in safe sex.” So why should we even listen to Paul? Well, it turns out party culture isn’t just a business to him. “I have been heavily involved in party culture for more than 10 years and I’m only 25. I experimented with drugs and alcohol from a young age, before I was 18, and continue to do so to this day. I believe party culture affected me in a positive way: it expanded my social group, increased my confidence, and professionally I became good enough at DJ-ing to get paid to do what I love. Academically, I learned to creatively design and develop online and e-commerce businesses and became an entrepreneur in a number of industries.” The Voice of Reason Paul also said: “I don’t condone, nor do I condemn the use of recreational drugs, including alcohol and cannabis. But I certainly promote harm minimisation and the moderation of any substance or activity that can have a negative effect on the day-today living and health of not only myself but those around me. Life is all about living a balance.” Dr Patterson also suggested that I mention the fact that abuse of any of these recreations (drink, drugs, sex) to excess is dangerous. From brain damage, to liver cancer, to HIV. This is the reason the media has been bashing party culture. However, the point of this article was to find out the ‘why’ of party culture. The sex, the drink, the “boogie”. Maybe it is some form of socialising and belonging. As a friend said in a message to me on Facebook: “Sometimes it just feels good to lose your shit.” I recently saw a TED talk by Susan Cain about the difference between introverts and extroverts. Maybe it’s simply that – a difference of personality.

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MY STORY DAVID ANGUS, a Massey International Student from the Middle East, recounts the hardships of escaping his home country to live in peace in New Zealand. ‘My Story’ is deeply personal to him, and he constantly fears for his safety.

Am I going to live for another day? Is the time for me now to rest in peace? I asked these questions of my diary. I was desperate for life. I had no will to live anymore. Let me take you back to the beginning. I was raised in a wealthy family home, the family followers of traditions and fanatical of their Muslim faith. I was constantly being controlled and manipulated by my parents. People envied me because I was from a wealthy family, but speaking loudly, I would have given up everything to have seen what freedom looks like. Freedom – this word did not exist in my dictionary. All of my life, my parents treated me as if I were a slave. I had no right to decline their commands. I had no way to express my emotions. I cannot even remember how many times I was about to commit suicide. The only person I was talking to was my diary. She was wiping my tears every time I cried and was always there as I faced my daily sadness. I was living in a luxurious villa, with most of the furniture made either in Italy or in Egypt; the villa in a neighbourhood wealthily renowned with a high standard of living. My family was very well known in the area, with many prestigious friends. I had a huge room with king-size bed. My room was well furnished with belongings I did not need. In fact, everything I owned was very expensive and valuable. I always had the latest car. I never thought of the money I was spending. My pocket was always full of money and I bought everything I ever wanted. Anyone who had lost meaning and purpose in life would do the same thing. My life had no meaning at all despite the monetary riches. Although I had everything and I could buy anything I want, I did not know anything about ‘real’ happiness. I knew that money was not everything. I got so bored from money that I just wanted to throw it away. I wanted to be happy with myself and what I could achieve. I wanted to be free and feel life. A typical day in my previous life was all about orders from my parents. I had to obey those orders; otherwise I would end up with bloody marks on my body. A normal day would start by waking up at 4.30am to perform the dawn prayer. My father would wake me up by throwing my door open while I was sleeping, shouting at me “wake up to pray or I will come to beat you until the blood coming out of your body”. Every meal time, we all had to attend. No excuse would be accepted if I was late. If I was, my father would beat me with a spoon and throw plates at my face. During our meal times, my father would start digging to find anything I did that he didn’t like so he could punish me. One time, I was late to bring a glass of water to my father. He threw a big plate at my face and my nose got broken and bled heavily. I was so shocked when I saw the blood dripping on my clothes. My father did not care at all. I had to ask my brother to take me to the nearest hospital. Needless to say, I was very careful all the time whenever I said anything to him.

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I had to accept my destiny. If I was in an unfair situation, I had to be quiet and not argue. Every time one of my brothers said “your father wants you” my heart would start jumping. My story of suffering wasn’t only inside my home. The outside world was worse than anything I have ever experienced. I was very careful every time I needed to go out of the house. In my home country, there is a kind of police known as ‘the religious police’, who catch anyone not heading to the mosque at prayer times. If they caught anyone, they would severely beat them in public places such as shopping malls or in the street. If the person refused to perform the prayer, he might be prisoned. I was really scared of them and used to hide in corners and alleyways. In my home country’s society, men should be tough with solemn facial expressions. Some people treated me badly me because I have a soft personality and a soft voice. They used to ridicule and insult me. Going back to family - religion and traditions are the fanatical atmosphere that manipulates our home. If I broke one of them and my family found out, I would face either being tortured or put to death. One of the biggest fanatical atmospheres that my family practised was the religious part which rules all their lives. I got beaten many times by my father because sometimes I did not want to go to their practising place. I felt that their way of practising and believing carried a lot of hatred, which is why I think they were so hard on me. If I refused to go, I couldn’t imagine my punishment. I was forced to go there, listening to and practising something I did not like. I was crying inside. So I decided to look for religions that are peaceful. I searched for a long time until I found an amazing religion that encourages us to love each other and live in peace. I embraced Christianity secretly. I was feeling so happy inside because of the loving messages that Christianity carried, but I realised that if any of my family discovered that I had left their religion, they would certainly kill me. I was really scared all the time that my family might notice. I lived that fear daily for a year until I decided to run away and save myself. I prepared to escape and travel to New Zealand. I took the risk and I knew that if my father caught me, he would murder me. But I couldn’t live in that situation anymore. I said to God, “Please God give me a new life or take my soul and make me rest in peace.” I went to the airport and when my flight took off, I was very happy and scared at the same time, wondering if everything would be alright. My flight was a transit through Singapore and then to Auckland. In 2009 I arrived at Auckland International Airport: A new land, new people, and the freedom which I was looking for all my life. As I left the airplane’s exit door I thought “What is waiting for me? What is my destiny in this country?” I arrived at

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I do not care about anything as long as I am free. Although I used to live in a big fancy room and had a fancy car, I would say it loudly that I am just so much happier here.

the customs checkpoint. The officer smiled and asked for my passport. I was surprised that she was so nice to me. The only idea I had of any officer was that they had angry faces. She stamped the entry permission on my passport and handed it back to me with another lovely smile on her face. I went through the exit door of the airport, where I saw my new country. The tears started to fall from my eyes. I could not believe that finally I was here. “I am here, I have freedom, and I am free,” I said to myself, with tears pouring down my face. I took a taxi and I asked the driver to take me to an immigration centre. When I arrived, I asked them for help to save my life from the absolute death. I was crying and afraid that my life may end at any minute because my father had sent me an email informing me that he asked my home country’s Foreign Affairs Agency to contact the Singaporean airport police to bring me back. In my home country, if someone knows officers or high-ranked people, they can help him in anything he wants. I was particularly worried because my father knew lots of high-profile people there. The immigration officer calmed me down and gave me a form to fill in and asked me to bring it back on Monday. I found cheap backpackers’ accommodation. I rented a room to stay in for the night. I was very cold. Unfortunately, I had no jacket or warm clothes to put on. The weather in the Middle East is usually very hot, sometimes reaching 50 degrees Celsius, and I did not bring any warm clothes because I was very scared that my parents would notice that I was leaving the country. I slept that night with no blanket. I slept deeply through a cold night, full of stars, of worries, and of happiness at the same time. I woke up in the early morning looking out of the window and listening to the silence. I was still worried about my father’s reaction. I knew that he would endeavour to use all of his power to bring me back to my home country. At that time, I was praying that Jesus would help me and save my life. I was feeling alone, in a foreign country and I had no idea about its people and how I was going to stay alive. I did not even care if I was going to be homeless in the street. One day, I was working on the immigration procedures peacefully when the New Zealand police informed me that my home country’s embassy had sent them a letter saying that I had mental problems and I was still under treatment. It said “we need him back to complete his treatment”. I knew at that time that my father was behind that letter. I realised that my life would be in extreme danger if he could succeed in his plans. Fortunately, the New Zealand police knew that my life was in danger and they helped me a lot during that horrible time.

I am really thankful and grateful to the New Zealand Police and to the New Zealand Government who gave me a new life and granted me the freedom I so desired. I began to relax and look around wondering how I was going to live in my new country. I cannot remember how many times I cried for my new amazing life. When I wake up every new day, the first thing I say is “Thank you God for this amazing life and for helping me live in this lovely country.” The people here are totally different; they respect me and treat me very well. They were and have been so lovely and help me a lot. Whenever I felt sad or down as a result of remembering my past miseries, they talked to me and made me feel not alone. Many people here treated me as if I was a part of their family. The government here are also lovely; they are helping the public and supporting them all the time. The words cannot describe how amazing New Zealand is, but I can say that this, to me, is heaven itself. I decided to engage and be part of the New Zealand community. The first thing I did was go to the Department of Internal Affairs to change my name legally to an English name because I wanted to leave all the past miseries behind to start a new life. I am also working in a volunteer job and attending community services to help or to see if I can participate as part of New Zealand community. My typical everyday life in New Zealand is absolutely incredible. Living and enjoying real freedom was something I never thought would happen to me. Sometimes, I feel lonely because I have left all my family, relatives, and friends behind, but these days I am starting to have very good friends here in New Zealand. These friends that I have now treat me and love me way better than my real family. They all love me and are supporting me all the time. I started studying at Massey University to get a good job in the future. I am working a part-time job and as a volunteer for the Auckland Civil Defence at the same time. New Zealand gave me a lot and I promise that I will do all I can to serve and to help in this country. I am living a simple life. I am flatting in a small room and I have very nice flatmates. I do not own a car here. My car is my legs. I am walking a lot – to go to university or to go to the supermarket for groceries. Even in winter, I am walking to get around. It is really cold sometimes, but I do not care because I am happy and enjoy every moment in my lovely country. In fact, I do not care about anything as long as I am free. Although I used to live in a big fancy room and had a fancy car, I would say it loudly that I am just so much happier here. Thank you, New Zealand.

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SAY WHAT? Shaun Mawdsley delves into language that is never quite what it seems.

Idioms. Yes, idioms. Those strange turn o’ phrases that are used so often yet, somehow, most students are still not exactly sure what they mean. They are a particular favourite of old people, and lecturers (especially among the Communications and English Faculties), and no doubt you have probably heard your grandparents or parents utter the phrases, ‘to go for a Burton’, ‘to kick against the pricks’, ‘the Black Hole of Calcutta’, ‘namby-pamby’, ‘to trip the light fantastic’, and my favourite (and I’m sure a favourite of most Americans and Englishmen as well) ‘to take French leave’ - Ohhhh I just made a war joke, go complain to the UN. Actually, that last idiom does not even come from the Great War, nor does it actually mean ‘to desert’ as such. It originated in 18th century France among the nobles and aristocrats, when, during a ball or similar social gathering, it was not considered impolite to leave a party/gathering without saying goodbye to the host. Now, the everpolite and upstanding English nobles thought this an extremely disrespectful thing to do and thus, anyone who left a gathering without saying their goodbyes to host and guests would be said to have taken French leave. Nowadays, we would just call that person a douche, but the idiomised version sounds SO much better, I think. As time passes, idioms such as those above become increasingly irritating as the phrases often make no sense whatsoever. Indeed, that is the very nature of idioms: they are the anomalies of language, the rebels of linguistics, the resistance fighters of grammar, the pirates of word. Think of them as politicians – they say one thing but mean another, the Winston Peters of communication, if you will. Idioms accomplish this in two main ways: semantically (their meaning), and syntactically (their grammar). Thus, like politicians, their literal meaning may be very different from what they actually imply. The best idioms, therefore, are those that are very fixed grammatically and whose meanings are impossible to guess from the sense of the word that constitutes them. Moving away from the boring technical side of this article (I’m sure all you English majors just creamed yourself in a orgasmic fit of language [ewww!]) and towards

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a more personal aspect … my dad likes to use idioms, especially in conversations involving me because I think it leaves him with a sense of superiority knowing I have no idea what the hell he just said. This has probably happened to most of you, as the newer generations seem to have retired many idioms which were once commonly used by all age groups. Indeed, that is the nature of idioms: they are coined in a particular time when a particular activity/ object/thing is relevant. And, as their usefulness or commonality dissipates, so too does their usage. Let me give you an example (an example, which, unless you are a native of the Sahara or similar desert region, I’m sure you have never heard): ‘To strain at a gnat and swallow a camel’. Now, I don’t know about you, but I traded-in my camel on my eighth birthday so it has been some time since I last used one as my daily way of getting from point A to point B, so I seldom use such a phrase. This idiom, which has its origins in the Bible, is like saying ‘don’t sweat the small stuff ’. Some of you may ask, “Why don’t we just say that in the first place, instead of confusing everyone?”, or “call a spade a spade” (if you’re in the Army, then the correct phrase would be “call a spade an entrenching tool”). Well, to answer that question, an idiom contains a certain amount of linguistic wit, and in order to comprehend this wit one needs to have a certain degree of language ability. As our world becomes more globalised, the fusing of languages and cultures make such subtle innuendoes difficult, or even dangerous. That’s because non-native speakers will most likely have a challenging time understanding the meaning of idioms, whose inherent meaning does not compare to their literal meaning. As idioms slip from the usage of modern generations, mostly due to the perceived need to prevent misunderstanding and therefore confrontation at every corner, the bright colours of all established languages (obviously focusing on the English language in this article, but I’m sure true of all languages) have begun to fade. The future greyish melting pot of language has been stirred.

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I believe languages should be maintained and so, in my small own way, I am here to give those deficient in English Idioms a helping hand (aren’t I so kind). Let’s dissect those idioms less well known, and probably for good reason: To go for a Burton To be killed; to fail, to be completely spoiled. This is another phrase which has its origins in war, the Second World War to be exact. The Royal Air Force (that’s the British air force) used this euphemism to refer to colleagues who were killed or missing. No one really knows what a Burton actually is, though. Some say it refers to a strong beer produced in Burton-on-Trent, while others say it was the name of the offices which kept the RAF casualty lists, the offices being Burton Menswear. Nowadays, however, this idiom can be used to refer to objects that are beyond repair, hopes, or dreams, as in, “New Zealand Test cricket has prompted most fans to go for a Burton.” To kick against the pricks To persist in useless resistance, to one’s own cost. This is an old phrase which comes from the New Testament, and it relates how Saul, an early persecutor of the church, was challenged by a heavenly voice as he journeyed along the Damascus road (probably not unlike what would happen to you today, if you attempted this same feat in modernday Syria, except the voice would sound erringly familiar to the ring of an Kalashnikov casing spewing out the extractor). ‘Prick’ is an old word for ‘goad’ and so the allusion is to an ox pointlessly resisting the ox driver’s goad. The phrase can be applied to those who are insubordinate to their own detriment (like the state of Haiti wanting to sue the UN for polluting a lake which led to a cholera outbreak, despite the UN providing food and healthcare for hundreds of thousands of its populationHaitians). The Black Hole of Calcutta [To be] in cramped, airless conditions. This has its origins in good-old colonial times when the British East India Company established Calcutta (that’s in India, for our American students) as a trading station in 1690. In 1756, a native Bengalese, Nawab, concerned at the Europeans’ growth in the land, ordered that the settlement’s wellbuilt fortifications be dismantled. When the British refused, Nawab marched on the company’s headquarters, whereupon they took 146 prisoners, who were then shoved into a tiny airless cell (nice to know that not much has changed in India, just exchange the lazy Englishmen with some hardworking 10-year-olds and you have a Nike factory, Ta-Da!). Anyways, only 23 prisoners survived. That’s the colonial version in any case. Some Indians claim that the story is fictionalised by the British. What is known is that this idiom has come to depict the cramped and squalid conditions which often appear in large cities.

Namby-pamby Sentimental and insipid. This was the nickname of Ambrose Philips, an 18th century poet who wrote dainty pastoral verses. To cut a long story short, Philips had competition from another poet of the day who just happened to be on the opposite side of the political spectrum. One day, Philips penned an especially sentimental poem. It must have been quite a ‘girly’ poem because critics rushed to their paper to devise an outlandish name that would represent Philips’s girlyness. And thus ‘nambypamby’ is basically a childish name created by Philips’s detractors. Not very exiting that one but, hey, history is sometimes boring. To trip the light fantastic To dance. This idiom comes from John Milton’s L’Allergo (1632), wherein he used the words ‘trip on the light fantastic toe’ to describe a fanciful dance. Huh? (Hands up whoever thinks this dude discovered LSD long before the hippies?). It was famously used by a British Prime Minister and since then has, apparently, become a cliché for ‘to dance’, but can also be used in other contexts such as football: “The player began to trip the light fantastic around the opposition.” I hope these few examples have proved interesting and perhaps helpful to all, from the English major student to the language-hindered (and socially-limited) mathematics student. I must gratefully acknowledge the use of Linda and Roger Flavell’s Dictionary of Idioms and Their Origins, New Edition (London: Kyle Cathie Ltd, 2006) in this article. It is an illuminating work on the subject of idioms, and a great reference book, too.

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The Adventures of Dick Hardy: Seducing the Seasoned Sexpert After the sensual sexting from last month, Dick communicates with the older woman the way he knows best. Warning: do not read if you are easily offended or do not wish to be extremely turned on.

I’m recounting these events at 1.30am. The sweet chill of sweat hugs my body in the hot night as I sit at my computer, naked yet entirely exhilarated. I’m writing because I’m too wired to sleep and because the night’s proceedings are still burning in my mind. Let me explain. It was around 8.00pm when I was at the gym doing a late-night weights session. I had been told to keep my phone on hand although I received no explanation as to why. So it was a bit distressing when I got a phone call on my eighth rep of 160kg bench press (give or take). Naturally, I finished my set before I answered it. “Hello?” I answered. “Hey. So, I just got rid of my other commitments for the night. Are you free?” It wasn’t a typical way to be greeted but this woman’s circumstances justified her forthright behaviour. “I suppose I could squeeze you in,” I said. “Mine or yours?” “Hmm. Yours? I’ll be there at 9.” “Perfect.” And just like that, I was rushing home to meet this exciting woman. I raced into the shower, covering myself in nice-smelling lotions and washing the important parts with extra attention. Drying myself and admiring happily the pump my body had from the gym, I threw on some of my nicer clothes and began some of the essential pre-host activities. It’s surprising how quickly someone can clean the bathroom, wash and dry dirty dishes, and change their bed when they have a little motivation. Feeling surprisingly nervous because of the nature of the encounter, I decided to be a little pro-active with my anxiety. Knowing full well the effects apprehension could have on my manhood, I knocked back a shot of vodka just as the doorbell rang. I met her at the door and she was waiting outside like some nervous school girl. I don’t know what else I might have expected but she looked fantastic. “You look amazing,” I breathed. She laughed. “Thanks, you scrub up alright too. Are you going to invite me in?” I blushed, feeling somewhat out of my league but at the same time knowing how capable I was. The fact that she had come to my house was enough to encourage my actions. I let her in and pulled her in for a hug. She smelled delicious.

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“I can’t stay for very long,” she said as she walked into my house. “The kids are at my sister’s but I’ll have some other things to do before I pick them up tomorrow.” This woman, 10 years my senior, but with a body that furiously denied it, casually strolled into my living room and leaned against the couch. She looked around the room. Her hair was tied up and she had put on make-up but not too much. She was wearing a leather jacket and jeans which was a style perhaps indicative of her age but, man, did she work it. It was so strange inviting an older woman over but she had worked me up so much the other night that I couldn’t resist much longer (if you don’t know what I’m talking about then grab last month’s issue of MASSIVE). “Nice place you have,” she said smiling back at me. “You’re nice,” I told her as I walked behind her and slid my hands through her arms to pull her closer. She smiled and leaned back into me. “You really don’t know the effect you have on me,” she whispered. I smiled into her hair, kissing the back of her neck. I helped her pull her coat off and placed it on a chair nearby. Breathing hotly into the nape of her neck, I rolled my thumbs into the groove of her traps, massaging her shoulders slowly. Her hands slid backward and pulled me so that we nestled together tightly. I gently slid my tongue along the crease behind her ear and grinned as I felt her shiver in response. My member started to swell against the fullness of her behind and I silently admired its firmness. Probably toned from all the squash she plays. I gently pushed her shoulders downward until she was bent over the couch arm with her plump rear angled into my crotch. She spread her legs slightly and pushed back toward me. I normally have pretty good control but seeing this mature woman completely submitting to me was taking me to the edge. Still bent over the couch, she began tugging at her pants and wiggling her behind at the same time until her jeans had rolled down to expose a g-string. Suddenly lost in desire, I fell down on her, clutching her breasts and grinding my still concealed cock against the small piece of fabric between her legs. I flailed in what I can only imagine was an embarrassing manner against her until I realised that I my arousal was reaching a climax. Too far gone to care, I let her know the nature of my condition by squeezing her breasts more tightly and grunting in her ear.

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“Woah, you’re not going anywhere,” I laughed. Grabbing her by the hand, I pulled her toward the bedroom. She complied without resistance and even this made my balls tingle with excitement. “Unnnghhhhaaaaaaahh,” I said as I pumped a hot mess into my pants. I slowed to a stop and rested against her. “Shit, sorry about that.” She laughed. “It’s okay, that was more excitement than I’ve had in a while,” she told me. I got off her, vaguely aware of the wet stain beginning to seep through my pants and she lifted herself off the couch. She began buttoning her pants back up and looked briefly toward the door. “Woah, you’re not going anywhere,” I laughed. Grabbing her by the hand, I pulled her toward the bedroom. She complied without resistance and even this made my balls tingle with excitement. I showed her to my bed where she lay down seductively with her legs slightly spread and with an amused look on her face. The simple fact that she was older, experienced, wiser, and desperately wanted me was enough to sprout another ego-fuelled erection. I lay down on top of her and kissed her passionately. We began a sexual Mexican wave against each other in youthful excitement and it wasn’t long before I had removed her singlet and bra. Her boobs were quite large and not as perky as many of the girls I had been with, but they were wonderful and I showed her how much I enjoyed them with my tongue. As she pulled me out of my shirt, we began to pull down each other’s pants. She paused to rub her hands over my stomach and chest. “You are so sexy,” she whispered. “My muscly, hunky, toy boy,” she laughed. As my pants fell to the ground, my penis struggled against her in response to her compliments. Both lying on our sides, I rolled her back to admire her body. Stretch marks streaked the lower part of her stomach and there was a prominent scar above her g-string, undoubtedly a battle-scar from a c-section. I wasn’t sure how she might feel about me staring at her body so boldly but I leaned down to kiss her scar. She might have thought this was a bit creepy but I found her irresistibly sexy because of it. Suddenly, I found her fingers locked in my hair and she was pulling my face back to hers. We locked lips and she rolled me on top of her. I spared no time in reaching over to my bedside desk to find a condom. “Good thinking,” she smiled. “Two kids is enough for me!” After baby safe-ing my member, I sunk slowly and deeply inside the wondrous woman. She gasped and stared at me as I let her adjust to my girth. I pumped gently until things became more lubricated and then set up into a quickening, orgasm-inducing motion. I made sure I was hitting all her right spots and thanks to my previous expenditure I knew I would be able to hold out for a while. She gripped my back and stretched up to bite my

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ear lobe. “Oh yes! Just like that! Keep going, keep going!” she murmured. Her dialogue was a little bit porn-star, but at the time I felt like superman. I slid one hand down between her legs to stimulate her little pleasure spot and she responded by thrusting her tongue into my ear and arching her back to press her whole body against me. I could feel her large nipples like bullets against my chest and I made sure to brush my pecs against them. I continued thrusting into her for as long as my arousal could hold and after a while I could feel her vaginal walls beginning to squeeze me inside of her. I had to adjust my angle so as not to slip out. Almost ready to explode, I urged her on. “Come on baby,” I said. She struggled against me and I felt her body tensing up. “Go, go, go!” she managed to say. Inspired, I pumped faster as she let out a moan and her toes curled in what I hoped was a mind bending orgasm. She clutched me to her for almost a full minute as I tried my hardest not to come, pounding away in an Olympian effort. Finally she crumpled beneath me with a huge exhalation and a look of bliss on her face. Completely primal now, I pulled out and in one swift movement ripped off the condom as my orgasm rippled out of me and covered her stomach. I grunted my pleasure as she lay beneath me, apparently oblivious to her surroundings. Exhausted, I lay down beside her as we fell into a pleasure-induced sleep. A few hours later I woke up to see her fully dressed and leaning over me. I was still naked on my bed and she was tickling my balls. I grinned foggily at her. “Hey stud, I really have to get going. Thanks for a great night, we might have to do that again sometime,” she whispered. I mumbled my half-awake response and like a dream she slipped out of my house. Once she had left, the realization of what had happened hit me and I was suddenly pumped with adrenaline at the excitement of the evening. And so it is that I am writing this story while it is fresh on my mind, to reach you, my faithful readers. My eyes are hardly open now so I’ll end it here. I hope you enjoyed my night as much as I did; it is surely one I will never forget. And to that incredible MILFy lady, if you’re reading this … well, I guess I’ll find out how much trouble I’m in if you ever do read this … I will explain everything when you do! Until next time, DH Got an itch to scratch? Email dickhardy@massivemagazine.org.nz

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LOUIS BAKER: MUSIC FOR THE RIGHT REASONS In a world oversaturated with fads and gimmicks, it’s really nice to come across a performer like Wellington based singer/songwriter Louis Baker, who puts his heart and soul into his music, ignoring trends and doing it for all the right reasons. Paul Berrington spoke to him about music, life, and his plans for 2013.

Possessing a voice that New Zealand music legend Warren Maxwell describes as a “conduit for pure emotion”, it’s a little surprising that Louis Baker took up guitar before singing: “I started playing guitar when I was about 13. I haven’t been singing that long, though – I started singing when I was 17 or so.” So, given the experience he has gained over a decade of gigging, does it feel comfortable to be under the spotlight while performing? “Oh man, I’m still not ready. I still struggle a lot with this type of thing. I think it took me a few years, and I’m not really sure when I became comfortable”, and in many ways, he says, “I’m still getting used to it.” Louis’ music is a real melting pot, identifiable as the work of a songwriter, but filled with elements of many different styles of music., For that reason his influences are particularly varied. “They are very broad. My music taste stems a lot from blues, soul, and funk, but I also listen to a lot of world, jazz, and classical music. I mostly listen to people like Jeff Buckley, Joni Mitchell, D’Angelo, Sly Stone, J Dilla, and a lot of blues music, too. I love Albert King, Otis Rush, Freddie King and Hendrix. Doyle Bramhall is a huge influence of mine as well.” So what about a local mentor? Is there someone who has provided a helping hand? “No one person in particular. I think I’ve learnt quite a bit along the way, from all sorts of people, really. I think you should be open minded to that, and trying to learn from everyone.” His song-writing process is also hard to pin down, and he favours an open-ended method that is sometimes influenced by the world around him. “For me there is no formulaic approach. It’s all about feeling, and following what feels good to you. I might read something that inspires me to write some words. I often read poetry and that’s what does it for me. Or I might be listening to something and hear a particular chord progression, then I learn it and adapt it to my own playing style. Songwriting for me never occurs in a set way, it is always different.” If you’ve seen Louis perform live then you know how well he connects to an audience. So how does he describe the vibe of his shows, and what can you expect from his performance this coming Friday? “I think quite a spiritual, positive togetherness. I play mostly original music, and maybe a couple of covers, but there will be some new material in there as well.” Louis released his debut single – Even in the Darkness – late last year to widespread critical acclaim, and has more music due for release in 2013. “I released my first single

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on December 3rd last year, and did the tour for that, which was really amazing. I have won the Audience recording prize for February, so I will be doing some recording at Roundhead Studios and will have a new single out soon. There are also some collabs we’ll be releasing before I go away in May for the Red Bull Music Academy. I was supposed to go in October of last year but it didn’t happen because they weren’t on schedule with the building. I still can’t believe I’m going. It is an honour and a privilege, and I am getting more and more excited with every day that goes by.” Listening to Louis’ lyrics you’d be forgiven for thinking he was a man with a few more years under his belt, given that the maturity belies his age. “I read a lot of philosophy and poetry. Being open minded and soaking up as much knowledge as possible. I think my mum is a wise lady. She’s had a real influence on my life, and is always there for me. She is a very spiritual lady, likewise with my whole family.” The past year has seen Louis busier than ever, performing all over the country, and playing with some of his own musical heroes, so what stands out for him? “I really enjoyed the gig I played on the 21st of December last year for my single release at Bodega – that was definitely one of my favourites! In terms of other gigs that I’ve done, though, I opened for Fat Freddy’s in July 2012, and that was a massive gig for me, a real pleasure. Quite a lot of tour is just a blur, to be honest, but I haven’t forgotten the people I’ve met and the beautiful places I’ve been to play, like up in Raglan and Kerikeri.” Louis was also busy during the festival season over summer. “I did Rhythm & Alps, Rhythm & Vines, and La De Da. At La De Da I played solo and with Brockaflowersaurus-Rex. Playing music with those guys is always a fun time. We love playing together, and our collective consciousness is becoming more and more clear with each performance. The people dig it because the nine of us are having such a good time vibing on stage.” Gaining musical knowledge from Jazz School and experience performing from many talent shows, Louis has a philosophy for success that provides him with all the motivation he needs. “You have to believe in yourself. You have to get yourself motivated. I’ve been fortunate enough to have a family that’s really dedicated to what they do, and driven to being good, altruistic people. That love has helped me a lot. I love making people happy through music, and I choose to express a positive message with it. The key is to be you. One has to be courageous in that sense, to be yourself is to be courageous. There are a whole lot of things that we can conform to in this life,

a lot of it is bullshit. I think people need to turn off the radio, turn off the TV, and put down the phone for a while. These are tools that can create value, but how about taking your shoes off and walking in the grass or something. Join with the Earth a bit more maybe?” So what does the future hold for this musician with his heart in the right place, and such a considered head on his shoulders? “I’m living at home at the moment with my mum, and now is the time before I go to New York and London that I am consolidating and being most mindful. Bringing strength, clarity, and understanding to my visions and goals. It’s always grounding living at home. Full of good vibes, quietness, trees, and a good environment to write in, which is great. The near future holds travel, more recording, releasing some collaborations, some of which are coming out really soon. I’m really excited about them – they’ve been a lot of work and now it is coming to fruition. I’ve been working with Benny Tones and Paddy Fred Bleakley. They are both beautiful humans, and classic Kiwi lads. Wait until Paddy’s EP drops. If you like Flying Lotus or are a beat junky, have a listen. He’s off the chain!” If one thing stands out about Louis, it’s his connection to his audience and his ability to build rapport with his fans on stage, and he admits this is definitely something he works towards creating. “It’s something I definitely strive for, although I don’t think I’m very good at it. I think the most amazing performers of our modern era are people like Bob Marley, Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, and Jimi Hendrix. These humans have never tried to be someone else, or fit the mold. There are all sorts of preparation that goes into a show, rehearsals, and the set list, how does each song merge with another so the flow and energy is smooth? What emotion does the song bring out in you? What are the lights doing? But again, it’s of most importance to be yourself on stage. You really have to be open and vulnerable, talk with your audience in a human way. I don’t like going to a gig and feeling like I’m just an outsider, like ‘Us and Them’ or something. I want everyone to feel connected, that’s why people go to a concert, to feel that community or unity, that interconnectedness, and that’s what I strive for or practice, the genuine message and the connection.” Spend a few moments with Louis Baker and you can feel the positivity and energy that this gifted young performer possesses. Enriched with an outlook on life that makes his music an inspiration, this is one man you can’t help but wish the best for, because that’s what he wants for you. He lets his music do the talking, and at the moment it is singing out loudly, sensing his message to us all.

Spend a few moments with Louis Baker and you can feel the positivity and energy that this gifted young performer possesses. This is one man you can’t help but wish the best for, because that’s what he wants for you.

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PERO’S PLAY Sean ‘Pero’ Cameron is arguably New Zealand’s most successful basketball player. In 2002 he led a historic Tall Blacks side to fourth place at the World Champs, was included in the tournament’s ‘World’ team, was named Maori Sportsman of the Year and was awarded the New Zealand Order of Merit for his services to basketball. There are also his seven inclusions in the New Zealand NBL ‘All-Tournament’ team, his five NBL Most Valuable Player awards, and his Coach of The Year title in 2010 which followed the first of two league victories by the Wellington Saints side he continues to coach. Jared Lanigan asked him about some of these highlights and his sport-oriented upbringing in Tokoroa. Over this coming weekend, the Wellington Saints are hosting the NBL pre-season tournament and then you come up against the Taranaki Mountain Airs on April 20. How do you feel coming into this season after the Saints narrowly missed out on three championships in a row last year? Yeah, our preparation’s been reasonably ideal. We’ve signed two Breakers players, Casey Webster and Dillon Boucher. They’re playing in the finals of the ANBL at this time and it’s interrupted our training a little, as far as having those two there goes. Casey Frank, who commentates for the Breakers games, is another player who’s been away. There’s also one more foreign import player to potentially fly in, so we’re missing four out of our 10. We’ve had our interruptions, but otherwise it’s been pretty good the last five weeks. To change tack a little, you’ve recently expressed concerns over Sport NZ’s High Performance arm withdrawing funding for the Tall blacks with whom you play a coaching role. Why has Sport NZ done this and what will be the consequences of it? It’s a case of changed criteria. What Sport NZ is looking at is whether athletes and sporting organisations are able to win an Olympic medal. I’m not too sure of how much importance they’ve placed on success in World Champs, but certainly they’re looking to fund teams more likely to win medals. Whether they’re getting more, the same, or less funding depends on their medal capacity, and it’s tough. We [the Tall Blacks] struggled to get to London 2012 and the Beijing Olympics before that, so it’s becoming tough for our sport – for both the male and female sides. The first time I watched Tall Blacks basketball was in 2002 when you shocked the basketball world by leading the Tall Blacks to a World Championship semifinal, beating Puerto Rico in the quarter final to do so. The hooter goes at the close of the fourth quarter in that game. Explain the feeling. [laughs] Yeah, we were really fortunate to do so well in an Olympic Games. We had to win five or six games to get to where we did. We only lost two. We beat Russia, Venezuela, and Argentina, who were the current silver medalists at the time. We came from 20 points behind to beat China. After Puerto Rico we were into the top four and with that obviously came the opportunity to win a medal – I can tell you it was pretty hard to sleep that night! [laughs] I was pretty excited. We did fall short of a medal in the end, but it was a great ride! That whole year was great for the Tall Blacks. As if unprecedented Tall Black success wasn’t enough, you were the only nonNBA player to be selected for the tournament’s ‘World’ team alongside four

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juggernauts of the basketball world at the time. That must have been a bit of an honour? Yeah, it was an honour. I was pretty chuffed with it and obviously very proud. I think it was also a nod towards how much the team had achieved. We’d done so well and then only just fallen short. There were probably two or three others in that Tall Blacks side who had great tournaments and who could’ve been called up – they were each a huge part of it. Your mum was a successful basketball and netball player, your sisters have represented NZ junior and Tall Ferns teams, and your younger brother is both an ex- NZ junior and Waikato Pistons player. Are your genetics sourced from another planet? [laughs] Na, it’s not anything like that. I will say that my sister was far more athletic than me, too! We were very lucky. My dad was also a league player so there was admittedly a bit of disappointment when I switched to the court game [laughs]. So you started out with league then? Yeah. Dad said I was two when I had my first game. Wow - they started them young? They did! My sister was on the same team as me for years as well. Both sisters were for a while. I started b-ball at age 8, played both sports for a bit then finished up with league at 15. At that age, with basketball, you stopped playing age groups and you went to Prem’s which was the open men’s division. So you either stepped up to the plate … or you didn’t [laughs], and I was very lucky to go on. You played for and coached the Gold Coast Blaze for a few years? Yeah. The time I had with the Blaze was good, y’know. I played three years with them and that’s where I live now with my family. And we’re very happy over there. You obviously travel back and forth to Wellington for the NBL season, though. How do you find that? Yeah, definitely. It’s always going to be a potential choice you make with family and sport. I make sure I see them a couple of times a month and it’s only a 3- or 4-hour flight y’know? It’s not too far away. Your last year with the Blaze and the Tall Blacks coincided with the start of your coaching career. How did you juggle all of that? The NBL season in which I first coached the Saints ended in July and the Tall Black season in which I was playing started in July so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. But still … never again [laughs]

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WINTER IS COMING... BACK WITH A NEW COOKBOOK MORGAN BROWNE INTERVIEWS NZ MASTERCHEF CHELSEA WINTER

Congratulations on your new cookbook and your success since winning MasterChef last year. What kind of style do you feel that you bring to the table (excuse the pun) that other chefs and cookbook authors do not? Thank you. Creating the book has been an incredible experience and so much fun along the way. I guess my style of cooking reflects the philosophy I have of real, tasty, relaxed and honest food, dishes I share with my friends and family, meals that I know people love to eat. Food is personal to every chef and cook. I love entertaining and to me that means good, wholesome meals using incredibly fresh produce and quality meat. Before your win on MasterChef, you were a marketing executive. You’ve since become a New Zealand household name and a celebrity in your own right. Has your win really changed your life? It has changed my life more than I ever expected it to and there are so many things going on. I am so thankful to be lucky enough to make a life out of cooking, doing what I love and inspiring people. I am also now a brand ambassador for Beef + Lamb NZ and Kim Crawford Lighter Pick Wines – two great companies I love creating recipes for. What are your favourite eateries in New Zealand? I love so many restaurants, honestly I could sit here all day and ramble on about all the great places there are to eat! We are very lucky in NZ – spoilt for choice when it comes to eating out. Mike and I don’t actually dine out as often as you’d think; mostly because there’s always something happening at our place! TVNZ says the NZ MasterChef series had a cumulative audience of 2.6 million in 2012, and is continuing to grow – how did this pressure affect you? To be honest at the time, I was concentrating hard on my dishes while getting used to the close scrutiny of a television camera; I tried not to let the outside world affect me. Do you think that the quality of the contestants will keep getting higher and higher? Definitely and I’ve noticed that across a lot cooking shows. After your hard earned win, a rumour went through the mill that you alone were granted an extra 15 minutes to complete your final dish. However, TVNZ later responded that both you and runner-up Ana Schwarz had both been given extensions. How do you deal with negative and untrue rumours circulating, since you were quite suddenly thrust into the spotlight? When something [like this] is just a rumour it is relatively easy to deal with as you know it’s not true. It can be a little upsetting at first, but then you realise the ridiculousness of it and move on.

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You recently married your partner – congratulations! It has been said that the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach – how much truth is there to this? Thank you! I’m loving being a wife, I must say. There must be some truth in that saying, surely. Men love to eat. My husband fell head over heels for my chicken pie, which was the clincher for him (it’s in my cookbook...). A whole heap of our readers think you’re incredibly good looking. One female reader wants to know how you maintain such a lovely, slim and fit physique when you have all the abilities and opportunities to make and eat so many naughty sweet treats. Aw shucks! That’s so lovely to hear, thank you and that’s very kind of you to say. I’m Dutch and 175cm tall, so I guess it comes down to genetics for the most part. However, in saying that, I do exercise regularly. I eat and drink what I want, however the trade-off is I have to exercise. I love food and am not willing to negotiate on that, which means a lot of walks on the beach, running and going to the gym. Energy in vs. Energy out it’s boring but true. Other than that, keep hydrated, drink water, moisturise. I like Aveeno daily moisturising lotion I use over my whole body. It’s really moisturises and stays on, so my skin is hydrated and recently I have only just started treating myself to the ip5 Facial at CACI, it’s like a mini Microdermabrasion and makes my skin really glow. Is fame all that it is made out to be? I don’t really consider myself famous, however it is really nice to be approached by kind and friendly people who appreciate what you are doing. Generally I can go about my daily life without too many people noticing. There are three judges that mentor and critique you through the series – which one of them was most valuable to you? All three have been incredible, even now they always make time to chat if I need advice. They are rather lovely in real life, don’t be fooled by their oft-chilly demeanour on TV. It would be boring if they were sugary sweet the whole time. Living with and competing daily with a disparate group of people from all over New Zealand must have been difficult at times – was there much tension or angst in the MasterChef mansion? Being in the house was just like a fun holiday home away from home and it was sad when it all ended. I even had many of my fellow contestants at my wedding.

Find some of Chelsea’s tasty yet simple recipes at www.chelseawinter.co.nz and www.recipes.co.nz, or www.facebook.com/Chelsea.MasterChef NZ

CHELSEA WINTER’S SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE

INGREDIENTS Bolognese 600g Quality Mark lean beef or lamb mince 2 tablespoons oil 1 large onion, finely chopped 4 cloves garlic, chopped 3 tablespoons tomato paste 1/2 cup dry red wine (optional) 400g can chopped tomatoes 2 teaspoons brown sugar 250g brown button mushrooms, chopped 1 teaspoon dried oregano 2 cups Campbell’s Real Stock Salt Reduced Beef 1 cup fresh spinach, chopped 1 cup courgette, grated 1/2 cup oregano, chopped fresh Ciabatta Crumb 1 tablespoon oil 1/3 loaf ciabatta (or any toast bread), processed to a very coarse crumb 1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary Pinch of salt for seasoning To serve Hot cooked spaghetti Grated parmesan Chopped parsley

METHOD Bolognese Heat the oil in a large heavy-based pan over a high heat. Add the mince in batches and brown. Drain the mince and set aside in a bowl. Heat another tablespoon of oil in the same pan over a medium heat. Add the onion and garlic and cook until soft. Increase the heat, add the tomato paste and stir for 3 minutes until it changes to a darker red colour. If using, add the red wine and let it bubble up for 30 seconds. Add the tomatoes, sugar, mushrooms, oregano (try rubbing it in your hands first to release the oils), stock and the mince. Simmer for about 30 minutes or until the sauce has reduced to your liking. Add the spinach, courgette and fresh oregano and simmer for a few minutes until the excess liquid has evaporated. Taste and season with salt and pepper. Serve over al dente spaghetti and sprinkle with parmesan, the ciabatta crumb and parsley. Ciabatta Crumb Heat the oil in a frying pan over a medium-high heat. Add the crumbs and rosemary and cook, stirring, for about 5-10 minutes until the crumbs are crunchy and golden on the outside. Season and set aside. Recipe courtesy of mEAT Magazine, Beef + Lamb New Zealand Inc & Chelsea Winter Find more awesome recipes in Chelsea’s new cookbook; At My Table by Chelsea Winter, published by Random House New Zealand, RRP: $55.00 Available at all good stockists.

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ASK A GURU H AV E A P R O B L E M ? G U R U C L AY DA N A N S W E R S Dear Guru, Last week I took a boy home. Not unusual for me. However, I was on my period. I was really drunk, and am pretty sure we had sex. Is it plain wrong to have sex while on your period? Also I know the guy, he’s real nice and now he isn’t talking to me. What do I do there? Say no to the Dolmio grin. No dude wants tomato sauce on his sausage. Quick answer to your question and Guru is being very subjective here ... Yes, it is wrong. There is nothing dangerous about having sex while on your period. However, your male counterpart should be wearing a condom to stop unwanted pregnancy, STI’s, and also other infections. But other than that, according to Google, you should be OK (in no way is Guru saying that he is correct, Guru is God-like, and the master of all things, but he is not a qualified doctor and you should consult your doctor if you have questions or concerns with your health). The reason I say it is wrong is because period blood, just like any type of blood, is not fun to play with. You don’t go around licking, poking, and prodding other people’s wounds when they are bleeding, and then start moaning and saying it feels so good ... so why would you lick, poke and prod a bleeding vagina. However, for some, period blood may float their boat, and having sex while on their period is something that they enjoy and turns them on. For some dudes (not Guru), all they want to do is get their dick ‘wet’, whether it be with blood or vaginal fluid. In regards to the dude you had sex with – if he isn’t talking to you, fuck him, not sex him, but fuck him. He ain’t worth it, girl.

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I am looking for love in Wellington. I’m a third-year female student, forever alone. I’m looking for a guy who will listen to me, give me space when I need it, pleasure me when I want it, something that doesn’t talk back and just does what I want. How do I find this type of man, Guru? Guru is this type of man. Guru is not allowed to have sex with anyone, however, because he is so powerful, and so good at lovemaking that the people he makes love to die from the goodness that Guru brings. In all seriousness, you want a lot, and I don’t think any male would be able to provide you with all that. However, Guru will give you some hints to attract the guy of your dreams. Every heterosexual male wants a woman who is clean, body-wise. If you don’t shower and smell like a dirty old wank sock that your perfect man owns because he hasn’t found you yet, then you won’t be attracting him. Scrub those armpits. Take advice from Guru in the previous issue and clean that vagina - just smell nice overall. Smelling good is key. Dress for success. Be hot. Be dangerous. Be a tiger. Be a lion. Be nice. If you think ‘The One’ has walked up to you, laugh at everything he says – whether it is funny or not. Just laugh. This makes him feel like he is on top of the world and has full reins as to what happens next ... you can either let this happen, or dominate him. Go out and meet new people. Go to some alternative event in Wellington and you’ll find your hipster dream boy there. Join online dating if you don’t like social interaction. And if all else fails, buy a vibrator – it fits all the criteria you outlined. Brrr moan brrr.

QUICK FIRE ROUND Last edition you got a question about pinkies up bums. Thank you. That is alright. I hope you, or whoever shoved a pinky up someone’s bum, cleaned it. Guru, my flatmate caught me masturbating. I’m a guy, she’s a girl, and it’s all awkward. What do I do? Go up to her, place your wank hand on her shoulder and say, “join me”. If that doesn’t work, apologise, laugh about it and move on. Masturbation is purely normal, natural and everyone does it. Ask your question online anonymously. Go to: http://ask.fm/MassiveGuru

GERMANY T R AV E L , TAY L A R E A I traded one of the hottest summers in New Zealand for a bitterly cold winter in Germany. Crazy, I know. But though it may not be a typical choice for a vacation, I had an absolute blast over my five weeks in Deutschland and would recommend it goes on all of your bucket lists. I spent most of my holiday in Dusseldorf, which is known for its cartwheeling man, upper-class inhabitants that shop on the very swanky Konigsallee, Karneval festival, and its proximity to the beautiful river Rhine. I also travelled briefly to Cologne and Hamburg. Three things that I recommend you do in Germany include: get travelling, get eating, get in costume. Get travelling The Germans have a fantastic transport system. Compared to waiting forever for a bus that doesn’t come, or a train that takes an hour to get to the city, the Germans have got it sorted. One train I went on is called the ICE and it travels up to 300km/h. You know the train is fast when it travels at a speed greater than the cars on the autobahn (which in some places has no speed limit). Travelling throughout Germany is efficient, easy and relatively cheap. I travelled to Hamburg via ‘shared ride,’ which is affordable and easy to arrange. Hamburg is an amazing city with canals that thread through the cobblestone pathways. While there, visiting the Reeperbahn was a definite highlight of my Eurotrip. To me it looked like Las Vegas because of the flashing neon lights. Though the sex shops, strip clubs, and prostitutes are definitely more Hamburg than Las Vegas. I had a spectacular night on the Reeperbahn that was reminiscent to “The Hangover.” This was due to cheap alcohol, great German company, and an atmosphere like no other.

Get eating Dusseldorf is close to many countries, and you can see this influence with the variety of cuisines available. I ate Croatian, Korean, Turkish, traditional German and everything in between. Currywurst is something the Germans are proud of. It is essentially a sausage with curry sauce and fries and is more yummy than it sounds. Also worth mentioning are German lollies such as Haribo, which can be purchased here in Countdown, Maom, and their selection of chocolate. One of my favourite meal times was breakfast, which was usually a selection of fresh cobs (buns), cheeses, cold meats and jams. Dusseldorf is known for Killepitsch and Alt beer. I am not much of a beer drinker but my friend’s father gave me a shot glass of the special liquor Killepitsch. It is a throat burner that is similar to Jagermeister in flavour. Needless to say, I brought a few bottles of it home. Get in costume Notably one of the best times in Dusseldorf is during the Karneval festival. Forget Oktoberfest, this is where it’s at. It happens in only three cities in Germany during the month of February. It’s a festival that spans across a good five-ish days with different activities every day. Dusseldorfers will tell you they either love it or hate it. Everyone dresses up in costume for these days, and there were freaking amazing costumes! My costume, a sailor, was fairly common. Others dressed as the ‘Eye of Sauron’, or Shrek, or a giant Lego man – they go all out. People of all ages gather for days of drinking, dancing, singing, eating, and attending parades. During the biggest parade, which is long enough to last four or five hours, I collected a couple of kilograms

of lollies and free stuff. The parade has a colourful collection of floats that range from making political jokes to celebrating Dusseldorf. Everyone yells out “Helau!”, and though I didn’t understand the songs, I was very welcomed by the people. As one German lass told me, “everyone is friends on Karneval.” This is a time where it is acceptable to look like a cactus and drink wine out of a juice bottle. I hardly noticed that it was the middle of winter. So, when you go on your OE, or eventually make it to that side of the world, I suggest you make a visit to Germany. I recommend Dusseldorf and Hamburg in particular. I can’t wait to go back. Dankeschon Deutschland. You were brilliant!

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Sim Shitty g a m i n g , C A L LU M O ’ N E I L L Digital rights management or DRM as the hip abbreviators call it. Is a rather potent issue in gaming today, specifically when it stops people playing a product they’ve paid for. I’ve got no real issue with DRM that works, Valve’s Steam system has had its ups and downs over the years but hey, it works (most of the time). Last month’s Sim City however was completely broken, almost nobody could play it at launch due to the servers being overwhelmed with traffic. Kind of ironic for a game about building efficient road networks. The game needs players to log in to a central server before playing, It’s similar to the way an MMO works. The difference between Sim City and World of Warcraft is the fact that Sim City has you plop down city blocks by yourself, alone at your Sim Godly perch amongst the Sim Clouds. There are other people in your Sim Region but they’re all in their own Sim Cities causing traffic

jams through poor city planning. Their only impact on your city is the fact that their Sims might come over to do things that you can generally do yourself. Their police-sims might see a bunch of robbers heading your way, ring you to say, “Hold on bro, we got this!” Then show up hours later after your cities bank vaults have all been robbed. Sim City is not an MMO, it seems ridiculous that players need to go through a login and suffer the MMO launch day curse if they just want to build a city by themselves. EA should have at least offered an offline mode. Instead they fobbed off an excuse that their game requires the servers to do intense calculations that your average computer would not be able to handle. The only real purpose of the servers is to guard against piracy and facilitate online play. EA may have temporarily halted pirated copies of Sim City being playable, but at the

cost of making the game unplayable to the people who actually bought it. If EA want to stop piracy of their games they heading in the complete opposite direction of progress. Look at Steam, people used to hate it immensely back when it was just an additional layer of blubbery, computer-memory hogging fat that you needed to wade through to tactically insert yourself into a round of Counter Strike. These days it is heralded as the holy saviour of PC gaming. Why? Because using it is an enjoyable experience; it’s convenient, affordable, social, and relatively easy. As far as I’m concerned, pulling their games off Steam was the worst mistake EA has ever made and it’s not doing this disaster of a launch any favours.

Gosling sizzles, Gatsby reinvented, and alien attack from a giant sea portal F I L M , PAU L B E R R I N GTO N

Ryan Gosling has proved himself as one of the most consistent actors working within the Hollywood system today, choosing films that showcase his good looks and acting talent in equal doses, whether that is straight drama, romantic comedy, or hard as nails action. His latest project The Place beyond the Pines reunites Gosling with Blue Valentine director Derek Cianfrance, and has just premiered in New York to much critical acclaim. The story follows a motorcycle stunt man who turns to robbing banks to support his sometime lover, played by Eva Mendes, and the son he never knew about. Split into three acts as the plot becomes generational, and with a supporting cast that includes Bradley Cooper, Ray Liotta, and Ben Mendelsohn, this film has classic written all over it, and should excite fans of the brilliant Drive. Another film gaining some serious momentum before release is Baz Lurhmann’s take on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel The Great Gatsby, which stars Leonardo DiCaprio

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as the mysterious socialite Jay Gatsby, who introduces Nick Carraway – played in the film by Tobey Maguire – to the excess of Long Island in the 1920s. The over the top trailer suggests that Lurhmann’s interpretation may not be to everyone’s taste, with set design and costumes pushed to the absolute extremes of decadence. But with the likes of Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, and Joel Edgerton all part of the supporting cast, we can but hope that The Great Gatsby is more like Moulin Rouge, than um... Australia. Two actors in need of a film that justifies their talents after a relatively underwhelming run of averages movies are Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg, and the new trailer to the upcoming 2 Guns suggests this may be that film. Helmed by Icelandic director Baltasar Kormakur, the film blends action and comedy, as the two leads, at first battle each other, before taking on the mob and C.I.A., after being set up by both. Based on a graphic novel of the same name, it all looks like a bit

of silly fun, with plenty of wisecracks from Washington and Wahlberg hitting the mark in terms of comedy. Another film set for release in the mid-year blockbuster season, Guillermo Del Toro’s Pacific Rim has kept the hype coming by releasing a series of posters showcasing the giant robots essential to the protection of Earth from a massive alien attack. The robots, with their human pilots, are called Jaegers, and the alien enemy, the Kaiju. Yet one interesting aspect is that the invasion comes from beneath the ocean, and not from the stars above. Given that the trailer alone looks like it cost as much as a typical film budget, Pacific Rim looks set to be popcorn entertainment of the highest order. Keep an eye out for comic Tales of Year Zero, which is due out shortly, and apparently explores the original invasion by the Kaiju, explaining in more detail the point at which the film starts.

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THE IMPOSTER PAU L B E R R I N GTO N Every now and then a documentary comes along that is contains more drama and suspense than most fictional films, and if you were amazed by social media shocker Catfish, then Bart Layton’s mesmerising The Imposter once again proves that truth is often stranger than fiction. 1985, San Antonio, Texas, and the Barclay family are distraught when their son Nicholas goes missing. They begin a desperate search for him, yet don’t hear anything for a matter of months, until three years later when a call from Spanish police suggests that Nicholas Barclay has been found, cowering in a phone booth, with no knowledge of how he got there. The family are overjoyed and after a brief phone conversation, put plans in action to bring their son home. His older sister heads to Spain and finds a young man who is severely damaged from sexual abuse and poverty, and is almost unrecognisable as Nicholas. This is where The Imposter starts to become surreal, and even disturbing, and as the title suggests, Nicholas is not who he seems, but is actually one Frederic Bourdin, a 23 year-old French-Algerian with a history of impersonation and manipulation of such situations. Once back in Texas, this new Nicholas struggles to fit in with the family, who seem to believe this is their son, excepting his inability to communicate as a product of his environment, and seemingly oblivious to the fact that he neither looks

anything at all like their son, or the fact that he is clearly not 16 years old. It may seem like I’ve provided a few spoilers here, but this is just the tip of the iceberg, and debutant Layton’s film becomes more and more bizarre with every turn, as Frederic Bourdin takes on the life of the missing Nicholas. Soon a web of lies exists not only from The Imposter, but also the Barclay family, whose naivety may just hide deeper and darker secrets. Built around first-hand accounts from Bourdin, and the Barclay’s, the mystery becomes thicker with deceit at every turn, and is told with a mixture of dramatisation and archived footage. Perhaps the most successful element of the film is the way that director Layton allows the story to develop from both sides, and he paces the shocking truth with some skill. Some moments are almost unbearable, so strange are the circumstances, and you are often left absolutely astounded at what is going on. Hard to believe, but utterly compelling, The Imposter would seem absurd if it hadn’t actually happened. If you need something to remind of just how strange our world can be, then this is it. Yet without the responsibility that Layton shows in bringing such oddballs to the screen, never judging or administering blame, the film would simply be made for shock value. Instead with the control that he shows, this is both riveting and original.

THE IMPOSTER (2012) 4/5 Director Bart Layton Starring Ben Affleck, Bryan Cranston, John

Goodman, Alan Arkin

BIOSHOCK INFINITE C A L LU M O ’ N E I L L Bioshock Infinite made me cry. I’m someone who is rarely moved enough to cry, I sat through Titanic without so much as sad thought whilst my friends sat beside me going through their box of tissues, yet Bioshock Infinite made me cry. I believe that says enough about how powerfully told its story is, but there is also a brilliant game beneath that story. You play as Booker DeWitt, a down on his luck detective tasked to travel to the floating city of Columbia and bring back Elizabeth, a girl with the ability to manipulate ‘tears’ in space and time. From the outset it seems like a fairly straightforward ‘damsel in distress’ tale, but it soon becomes apparent that the game is anything but straightforward. The game borrows some of the ideas from the original Bioshock but is otherwise set in its own universe, bringing in just enough of Bioshock’s systems and concepts to give a sense of familiarity. The combat is a more refined version of what was found in the original Bioshock. Animations have been spruced up meaning guns feel like they’re actually hitting enemies now and you still have the various powers that made Bioshock’s combat so intuitive at your disposal.

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Everything feels smooth and well refined. The game is perhaps a little combat heavy, this isn’t the combats fault, the world is just so well crafted that you want to have the chance to explore it without being shot at. The game occasionally does give you this opportunity and those moments are some of the most wonderful in the game. Columbia is such a richly detailed environment that it feels as if it’s a real place, with real culture and real customs. I went out of my way to explore every room I could because I didn’t want to miss a potential hidden nugget of backstory to the amazing world. Columbia is certainly a pretty place to look at, both graphically and artistically. The colour pallette is something that must be praised. It ensures every area in the game feels distinct, the blissful oversaturated blues turn into deep oranges and the tone of the game shifts with them. Bioshock Infinite is a shining example of what gaming as an artistic medium does best. The story goes places that could only make sense within the context of a video game, and it remains completely engaging throughout. It is a game that I think every gamer should experience from beginning to end.

BIOSHOCK INFINITE 5/5 PLATFORMS PS3, Xbox360, PC

Ed SHEERAN CONCERT G EO R G I A F O R R E S T E R British singer and songwriter Ed Sheeran performed at Wellington’s TSB Arena on 8 March – his first time in the city. It seemed like every teenage girl and her mum had turned up to watch the 22-year-old ginger perform, with a queue that stretched down Waterloo Key. Opening the 7.30pm show was support act and YouTube sensation Gabrielle Aplin, who sang a mixture of covers and her own songs. Though she wasn’t the redhead the crowd were screaming for, she was charming and had a lovely voice that captured and held the audience’s attention. For me, a highlight was second support act Mike Rosenberg. Known as Passenger, the cheeky Brit’s hilarious lyrics and strong stage presence made him easy to laugh and sing along to. By the time 9’oclock rolled around, the near-packed arena was screaming for Ed. He opened with Give me love, and went on to give a stellar two-hour performance that included the hit songs: Drunk, Small Bump, and Lego House from his multi-award winning album, +. As a solo act with only his well-worn guitar as an

onstage companion, Sheeran used the technique of ‘looping’ instead of a live band. This allowed him to create and record a backup sound track during the live performance by using a foot pedal for a bass drum and a second microphone to record background singing, beat boxing, and rapping. But what really amazed me was his ability to amp up the audience into deafening chants and then to silence them on his quieter songs. The crowd roared while he rapped an incredible version of You Need Me, I Don’t Need You that was mashed with Macklemore’s Thrift Shop. Yet Sheeran also got the whole arena quiet enough to sing his cover of Wayfaring Stranger without a microphone, projecting just his voice throughout the arena. He also sang a duet with each of his opening acts – a heartfelt performance of Kiss Me with Gabrielle Aplin and a guitar-smashing cover of Passenger’s Heart’s on Fire. The only letdown of the night was the atmosphere among the standing audience, where many stood still and didn’t partake in dancing or chanting. However, the

overall performances of the acts were outstanding and highly entertaining. Ironically, the last song of the night was The A Team – Ed Sheeran’s breakthrough single that started his musical career and left the crowd cheering long after the lights had faded out.

THE STROKES: COMEDOWN MACHINE Da n i e l C o l l i n s A very brief history of The Strokes’ discography: First album, Is This It, becomes the flagship for a 21st century rock revival which never fully materialises; second album, Room on Fire, repeats the debut’s garage-rockstyling but does it better; third album, First Impressions of Earth, is full of ambition and shiny guitar work, but is crammed with filler and just plain too long; fourth album, Angles, is schizophrenic and wooden, yet pleases more often than not. And now, 2013, we are presented with album five, Comedown Machine. It begins with a false start – a brief piece of jarring guitar fuckery to announce that The Strokes won’t be taking things too seriously on this release. Then the album begins proper: Opener ‘Tap Out’ sees the boys imagine what they would have provided for the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack, with surprisingly successful results. Indeed, the labels ‘80s’, ‘new wave’, and ‘synth-pop’ have already been slathered all over this LP by reviewers elsewhere and justifiably so. It’s an 80’s vibe which provides Comedown’s thematic glue, and the kind of rough homogeneity which Angles needed a few more spoonfuls of. Nonetheless, this album cannot be pigeonholed so easily. The first official single ‘All the Time’ has been named by many as the most ‘traditional Strokes’ tune on Comedown. This is a half-truth, however; while guitarcentric, the delivery by Casablancas and co. is heartless

to the point that even Valensi’s proficient soloing comes across as apathetic. The energetic and punk-tinged ‘50/50’ is far more like the days of old, with the riff managing to conjure up images of low-budget retro karate movies for good measure. It’s a hoot, but still a bit off the mark. It’s also the only track where Casablancas gives us any of his pleasantly throaty sing-scream. On Comedown this has been supplanted with heavy doses of falsetto, a turn of events which will polarise many a long-time fan. ‘One Way Trigger’ pairs this line of tact with a repeating synth motif, with the synth set to ‘extra punchy’. The result is, though it pains me to say it, complete shit. Synth-schmoozers ‘80s Comedown Machine’ and ‘Chances’ fare better, although the former bores with tired arpeggios, and the best part of the latter is its Tardis-styled whirring entry. The album does offer two unlikely highlights: ‘Happy Ending’ oozes razor-sharp videogame chic, while ‘Welcome to Japan’ slaps you round the head with its unashamed campy-ness – (the lyric “scuba dancin’ touchdown” is surely a candidate for greatest combination of words in the English language). What’s left? ‘Slow Animals’ will induce yawning, while ‘Partners in Crime’ tries unsuccessfully to not sound ordinary. Finally, as much as I do not wish to even acknowledge its existence, album closer ‘Call it Fate,

THE STROKES COMEDOWN MACHINE (RCA) 3/5 Call it Karma’ is a tune so self-indulgent and misguided that on first listen I wept in disgust. But then again, just as was proclaimed from its initial seconds, Comedown’s half-hour-or-so is the sound of five guys trying to having fun (musical fun, that is). After over a decade since being wrung through the hype-machine and the subsequent years of predictable criticisms, can you blame them?

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