Solicited Advice

From Pocket

Solicited advice is a weekly column where Massive’s own four-legged Agony Aunty, Pocket, shares her wisdom and experience with you all. She speaks only truths.

I’ve moved to Auckland for uni, but I’m scared to go out on the town. There are so many people! How can I get over this?

The outside world. How I detest its uncleanliness as much as I need its wild and untamed nature. To be beautiful and to despair— two sides of the same coin and another of God’s cruel tests.

As an apex predator, I am a force in the outdoors. A beast, as biblical in nature as Leviathan itself, I stalk the streets of Mt Cook with a ferocity and speed hardly matched by a tigress in wildest India. I select my prey carefully. Small rodents, insects, and loose socks are easy targets, and I have mastered their swift disposal. This semester I have moved on to freshers. Perhaps next year I could be taking down cyclists and local MPs— the importance is in the challenge, pushing my capabilities. So, select your targets carefully, my nervous disciple; start small and work your way up.

Do you have a question you’re dying to have answered?

DM Massive Magazine on Instagram or editor@massivemagazine.org.nz and look out for next week’s issue - no question is too difficult for Pocket.