Sexcapades

Team chode

The Sunday Scaries have never hit as hard as they did last week. After a five day bender, I looked worse than that Bratz doll meme (you know the one), was missing two acrylic nails and had glitter so deeply embedded in my hair it may as well be another Bermuda triangle casualty. So, I did what any hungover piece of shit would do and lay down on the couch dramatically sipping from my Frank Green while doom scrolling TikTok. I won’t lie breathers, the outlook was grim, there was no hope in sight and then I got a message from my hot neighbour. “Up2?” He said.

You know and I know exactly what up2 means, even if it lands in your DMs when the sun is up so I didn’t waste time and after a brief convo, we decided I would come to his place. Bouncing off the couch faster than the grandpa in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I landed outside his cold, stale alcohol smelling flat where there was absolutely no top sheet in sight. Knowing you can’t have it all, I accepted my fate (I wasn’t exactly bringing the goods either) and we got down to business. We both stripped off and started pashing and that’s when I felt it. The chode.

It had been the punchline of jokes ever since I knew what a peen was and based on what my friends had said, chode’s were a hard no - even when they’re hard themselves. Devastated, upset and low key reaching for my bra, I was ready to ghost because I’m not a small and mighty girl, I’m a large and in charge type. But then he started doing things.

First with his hands, then with his mouth and finally, the main event. Hoping to save him from any embarrassment, I told him I’d already finished and we didn’t need to have sex but it turns out, I ended up being the one embarrassed.

Knowing his power, the man served BDE even with SDE and I had the best sex of my life. So anytime any of you losers make fun of the chode, remember, it’s not what you’ve got, it’s how you use it. Yours truly, a pro-chode shagger xo