Sexcapades

Mastie May

When I heard about Mastie May I was intrigued. My libido is pretty hectic as it is. She’s up, she’s down, she’s getting whipped, flipped and dipped. She likes to keep up. But, 31 days of naughty under the covers behaviour? Could I hack it?

The thing is, Mum didn’t raise me to be a quitter; she raised me to be an emotional, independent, slightly unstable adult. Key word there is independent.

So, on the 30th of April I made the executive decision to partake in Mastie May, and since I live in a flat with five girls, I felt it was only fair I warned them of the impending solhoe activities.

“Hello friends, tis I, the horniest flatmate. If you hear my vibrator every night for the next 31 days, please do not be concerned. I’m not having a menty b. I’m on a journey of selfdiscovery - aka. Mastie May. You can join but you must do it by yourself because otherwise it wouldn’t be Mastie May— and I don’t actually know if I want to see you touch your downstairs. Lots of love, Queen horn dog.”

The girl gang thought it was hilarious while also being intrigued as to whether I could Samantha Jones my way through May (minus the men).

After 10 days, I was going strong and mostly getting off with the help of my beloved vibe and a few sex flashbacks. But by day 15, things had taken a turn. I needed some help. So, one arvo when everyone was in class, I decided to add a sexy, risky element to my challenge and watch porn on my laptop in the middle of the lounge.

The vibes were immaculate, the (ethical) porn was doing what it’s intended to do and my phalanges were earning a 10/10 rating. Then, I heard the front door open. I froze, my body couldn’t move, my hand was still down my pants, and the porn was blasting. Shit.

My flattie made it to the lounge before realising the sounds were porn and not some horny Netflix move. We locked eyes, she looked at my hand, moans filled the room from my laptop, and I saw her life flash before her eyes before she hastily retreated to the safety of the street. We’ve never spoken about it again, so to flattie #3, thanks for respecting Mastie May. You da real MVP.