Michael’s Secret Stuff

The biggest sports conspiracy that NOONE is talking about.

By Aiden Charles (he/they)

Content warning: this article makes light of and references the topics of steroid usage and sports doping. The year was 1996. Most of us weren’t born yet. Star Wars Episode 1 was rumoured in development and had not disappointed a generation of fan boys. Dolly the Sheep had just been cloned, my sister wasn’t even born, and Red Bull had just entered the US market. But overshadowing all of it was the sports event of the century: Space Jam.

It was the ultimate sports team up; Michael Jordan, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck up against the ferocious Monstars, who had just stolen the sporting abilities of some of the NBA’s greatest players. We were all so focused on the spectacle, the underdog story of Bugs pulling one of the greatest sporting icons out of retirement, that we did not stop to think about the logistics.

How did they win? How did the Tune Squad even stand a chance?

Disclamer

Now before we begin, I don’t think Michael was in on it. I think he was an unwitting accomplice to what transpired prior to/during the 1996 Space Jam exhibition event. However, it was his Secret Stuff which allowed this to happen, and should he be found guilty after this evidence is brought to light, then so be it.

The Monstars (also known as the Nerdlucks), this event’s “away team” if you will, used space-magic to obtain the basketball skill of various NBA players. Players who have spent their entire lives training, learning, winning at basketball. Bugs Bunny is a cartoon rabbit who, prior to Space Jam, had little-to-no sports experience. Even with the help of Michael Jordan, Space Jam should have been a loss. The Tune Squad were essentially going up against Charles Barkley, Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, and Muggsy Bogues. Even if it was not physically these players, the Monstars still had all their abilities.

The only explanation: an enormous doping scandal which Warner Bros has been covering up for years, one that we’ve all been turning a blind eye to. Noone wants to believe that the Tune Squad were on something, but it just makes sense. There’s an argument to be made that what they did was for the greater good, but is it really winning if you cheat to get ahead?

This seems like something I’m pulling out of thin air, but it’s literally on film! The evidence is present, and NOONE wants to discuss it. What really went down at Space Jam 1996? Was it all a psychological trick by Bugs Bunny to give his team the edge they needed, or was there something else present in Michael’s Secret Stuff?

The Evidence

We all brushed it off as humour at the time, as a wink and nudge to the adult audience about sports doping. But that’s why it worked so well, it was in plain sight this whole time.

Mr Bugs Bunny is not known for his sporting prowess. In fact, none of the Tune Squad are. But the fact that Bugs challenged the Nerdlucks to a basketball match in the first place is cause for suspicion. Had this been his plan all along? Did he know about Michael’s Secret Stuff before the challenge occurred?

For the uninitiated, Bugs Bunny is the inventor of the carrot peeler, an item he’s been making bank off for years. He obviously has business knowledge. So, what if Space Jam was more than just an exhibition match. What if the entire event was setup so Bunny could test his newfound product. What better way to prove your sport’s supplement/ stimulant to potential shareholders than show players demolishing some of the NBAs greats while juiced up on the stuff. But what does Michael Jordan have to do with it? A certain McDonalds campaign shows how against drugs he is, doesn’t it?

Launching a new product is always a risky move, and when said product could be incredibly controversial, Bugs cannot just walk into a boardroom and say, “what’s up, Doc?” but a celebrity endorsement from THE Michael Jordan could increase credibility tenfold.

It would also dispel any rumours that the Secret Stuff was related in any way to performance enhancers. Why would the same man who told children to “stop it, get some help” endorse steroids?

The Verdict

Bugs Bunny and the entire Tune Squad should feel ashamed for what they did. The Squad knowingly ingested performance enhancing drugs provided by Bugs Bunny. On top of that, McDonald’s anti-drugs spokesman and NBA champion Michael Jordan’s name was besmirched as a result. How are we to know that this conspiracy didn’t run further than what we’ve found? Was the latest Space Jam simply another product demonstration for drug entrepreneur and criminal master-mind Bugs Bunny? Whatever the case, the truth is out. You can’t hide anymore Bugs; I’ve blown this thing wide open.

Because he didn’t know he was.

The film clearly shows a confused Michael Jordan being told to “play along” by Bugs. It also shows Bugs filling up the bottle with ordinary tap water before slapping a label on it. There’s a good three to five seconds where we do not see the bottle, the perfect time for Bugs to administer whatever enhancers the Secret Stuff needed to function.

That’s enough writing for one day I think, I’m parched! Good thing I’ve got my all new, all natural, homemade drink here to quench my thirst and give me the energy I need to write another article!