Massive: Issue 07 'Politics' by Massive Magazine

FIX IT Fixing University'sMasseyname

Your fave Massey TOOL ĦARD at work!

Fergus the Ram is Massey University's long-time mascot. He is also a sex god, alpha ram and horned up fuckboy

let's explore each other's bodies ;) Looking

Compatible signs don’t mean shit

During my hoe era, I invited a guy over to my place I met on Tinder. He was much taller than expected, and when he gave me an awkward hug, it was like hugging a tree. In my room, he pulled two room temperature beers out of his pockets and offered me one. I declined, and he drank both himself within the next 20 minutes.

The conversation otherwise was going okay until he asked if I believed in astrology. I said, "nah, not really,” and then immediately noticed that his forearm was covered in astrology and zodiac tattoos. His face changed, and my voice dropped in my throat. I felt rude (because clearly this had some serious importance to him), so I managed to quickly add on, "but I think it's kinda cool though... I know my sign."

Sooo awkward. We managed to turn the conversation back around, and he expressed relief that I thought it was cool before beginning a whole monologue about astrology and the stars. But honestly, I thought sex was off the table due to all the previous awkwardness and how late it was getting.

But then as we were watching a movie on my laptop in bed together, he started feeling me up. Unfortunately, the sex was no less awkward than our previous interactions. He was too large to fit inside me without pain (like the size of a drink bottle! which in its own way was amazing). His back also got so incredibly sweaty. It was like a lake sitting on top of him. When I put my hands on his back, there was a splash.

At the very least, I got off, although he didn't. He spent the night for some reason, as I didn't know how to ask him to leave, and I felt bad that I wasn't up to making him cum — I think I would've choked just having that in my mouth.

He left in the morning, and I found that instead of throwing the condom in the bin, he just threw it on MY FLOOR.

He wanted to see me again, saying, "We could keep exploring each other's bodies". Ugh. I turned him down and never saw him again.

HOROSCOPES

OROSCOPES

CANCER

Seesh, it’s a bad week to be a Cancer. Physically, you'll need to be prepared. Wear active wear and pack an extra pair of undies... it’s going to get messy, and you never know when you’ll need them.

You are Leo, and let the world hear you roar! Tell people what you really think of them this week. If it ends badly, at least you have the claws to fight back.

CAPRICORN

You like to be practical, but you forget as an earth sign you also need to be grounded. Connect with nature this week Cap. Take a walk, hug a tree, maybe even befriend a bird or two. I can’t promise people won’t judge you, but at least the birds won’t.

VIRGO

It’s time to stop hiding behind your

AQUARIUS

You've been feeling stressed with the idea that you're not a good person. But you are (in general). This week, focus on performing affirmations each morning, even if you don't believe them yet. Eventually, you will.

This week, you are in the mood for mischief. But be warned, there’s a fine line between a harmless prank and a court date. My advice? If you’re gonna do it, at least have a solid alibi.