Awkward Moments by matt metcalf

Matt Metcalf

Awkward Moments

A collection of jokes for the socially inept.

Jokes compiled by Illustrations by

Matt Metcalf

This book is for everyone who has had to put up with my humor and jokes. Enjoy!

Table Of Contents Elephant jokes

Cow Jokes

Bar Jokes

Skydiving Jokes

Doctor Jokes

Classic Jokes

No Arms, No Legs Jokes

Chuck Norris Facts

Things That Make You Go ‘Huh’

Final Thoughts

Elephant Jokes How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen Beetle? Four. Because there are four seat belts. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So that they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Works pretty good, doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t itâ&#x20AC;Ś Why do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of cherry trees. How can you tell if an elephant is in your attic? You can hear it walking around. How can you tell if there are two elephants is in your attic? You can hear them talking to each other. How can you tell if there are three elephants in your attic? You can hear two talking to each other and one walking around. How can you tell if there are four elephants in your attic? There is a Volkswagen Beetle parked out front. Why do ducks have flat feet? So that they can stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? So they can stomp out burning ducks.

Cow Jokes What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak. What’s a cow’s favorite musical note? Beef-flat. What do you call a cow in an earth quake? A milk shake. What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What happened to the cow that tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction. Two cows were chatting together. The first cow says, “I’m telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary!” The second cow replies, “Yeah, good thing we’re chickens!” Two cows are chatting together. The first cow says, “I was artificially inseminated yesterday!” The second cow replies, “I don’t believe you.” The first cow replies, “No, it’s true. No bull!” 2

Bar Jokes A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and tells the bartender, “One beer for me, and one for the road.” A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the guy who shot my paw.” A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, “What’s with the steering wheel?” The pirate responds, “Aarrr, its driving me nuts”. A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here!” A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here!” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fungi!” A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out. A pony walks into a bar and coughs, “Hey, COUGH. Gimme COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, “What’s with your voice?” The pony says, “Nothing, I’m just a little hoarse.” A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind.” The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, “Weren’t you just in here?” The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.” A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!” A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.” A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?” The bartender says, “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!” A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer......and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?” A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Skydiving Jokes What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, “Wack, dangit!” and a bad skydiver goes, “Dangit, wack!” Why don’t blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the heck out of the dog. How do blind skydivers know when to pull the parachute? When the leash goes slack. A man goes skydiving for the first time. After a brief lesson, he excitedly jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going UP! Just as the two pass in the air, the skydiver yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?” The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

Doctor Jokes A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!” A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” The doctor says, “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” asks the man. The doctor replies, “Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’” A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.” A guy walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says, “Sir, I’m afraid I have some bad news. First, you have cancer and second, you have Alzheimer’s.” The guy replies, “Alzheimer’s, eh? Well, at least I don’t have cancer!” A guy walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says, “I have some bad news and some very bad news.” The guy replies, “Well, might you as well give me the bad news first.” “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live,” answers the doctor. The guy exclaims, “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.” 6

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.” The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?” The man replies, “No, just spots.” A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet -- I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?” The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.” Three doctors are duck hunting and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it’s probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”

A proctologist decides to leave his career and become an auto mechanic. After several months of auto mechanic training he takes a final exam which consists of disassembling and reassembling an engine. The next day he goes to his instructor to find out the results of his exam. “Well,” says the instructor, “for the first time in the history of this program we have decided to give you 150 pointsout of the possible 100 points!” “That’s incredible!” exclaims the proctologist, “How did I score so well?” The instructor replied, “We gave you 50 points for disassembling the engine correctly, 50 points for reassembling the engine correctly, and we gave you the additional 50 points because it’s the first time we’ve seen anybody do it through the tailpipe.”

Classic Jokes Why donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t they give inmates candy bars? Because the chocolate makes them break out. What do Eskimos get when the sit on the ice too long? Polaroids. What did the mother buffalo say to her son as he left for school? Bison. What are the two sexiest animals on the farm? Brown Chicken Brown Cow! Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank. Thus proving once and for all that you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have your kayak and heat it, too How do you catch a unique bird? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame unique bird? The tame way, unique up on it. What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand? Cuatro Cinco. What do you call a Jamaican Pokeman? A Pokeman man. 9

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it. Two muffins were baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says, “Man it’s getting hot in here!” The second muffin looks at the first muffin with a surprised look and says, “Aaaah! A talking muffin!” How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice and then line the hole with peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive.” A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.” 10

This guy goes into his dentist’s office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?” “Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I’m talking DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!” “That’s probably it,” replied the dentist. “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.” “Why chrome?” the man asked. “Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!” Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and because of his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. Therefore, Mahatma Gandhi was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent! Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?” Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? “Dam!”

A man is sentenced to life in prison. His first day in prison he notices that all of the inmates shout numbers from time to time and laugh after each number. He finally asks an inmate near him to explain what is going on. “We have been in prison so long,” explains the inmate, “that we have gotten tired of telling the same jokes over and over again. Instead of retelling the jokes, we decided to number them and shout out the numbers instead!” Intrigued by this, the man decides to participate and after a moment of silence shouts out, “108!” Suddenly the entire prison yard burst into uncontrollable laughter. Some inmates were actually rolling around on the ground with tears coming from their eye because they were laughing so hard. “I don’t understand,” said the man to the inmate he had talked to earlier, “What joke did I tell?” The inmate replied, “That joke was fantastic! We’ve never heard that one before!” Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged. One Texan turned to the other and said, “That little gal is havin‘ a chok’n. I’m agonna go over there and help.” He ran over to the young lady, and asked, “Kin ya swaller?” Gasping, she shook her head, “No.” He asked, “Kin ya breathe?” Still gasping, she again shook her head “No.” With that he turned her around, bent down, and licked her rear end. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, “Ya know, it’s sure amazin’ how that hind-lick maneuver always works!”

No Arms, No Legs Jokes What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing? Skip. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hiding in a bush? Russell. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs buried up to his neck in sand? Dusty. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs buried up to her neck in sand? Sandy. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art. What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no tongue hanging on a wall? Tasteless Art. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs shaving? Nick.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in front of a door? Matt.

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs between two buildings? Ali. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who loosens hex screws? Allen. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a tennis court? Annette. What do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene. What do you call an oriental woman with one leg? Irene. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs stuck on a fence? Barb. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a fireplace? Bernie. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a mailbox? Bill or Mel. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a stream? Brooke. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bank? Buck. 14

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a bag? Kari. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the edge of a green? Chip. What do you call two men with no arms and no legs in a window? Curt nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Rod. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a tiger cage? Claude. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs hanging from a chandelier? Crystal. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs buried 6 feet under? Doug. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs buried 3 feet under? Douglas. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a car? Jack. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs behind a news desk? Justin. 15

Chuck Norris Facts The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris once shot a plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!” Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 16

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. 17

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille. Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin he built with his bare hands. In the medical community, death is referred to as Chuck Norris Disease. Chuck Norris puts the “fun” in “funeral”. Chuck Norris once lost both his legs in a car accident... and still managed to walk it off. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Things That Make You Go ‘Huh’ If the speed of light is approximately 186,400 miles per second, what is the speed of dark? How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Why do psychics have to ask you your name? Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? Do Folgers employees take coffee breaks? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? How do a fool and his money GET together? Why does Hawaii have interstate highways? If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation? If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds” fee on money they already know you don’t have? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID? How come there aren’t B batteries? How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? How is it possible to have a civil war? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If you melt dry ice, can you take a bath without getting wet? Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you throw away a garbage can? How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day? What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it’s all about? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Why is it that when you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? When a mute swears, does his mom make him wash him hands with soap? If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? Why do you pay extra to get something put on your sandwich but don’t get a discount when something is taken off? Why are needles for lethal injections sterilized? What did tornados sound like before freight trains were invented? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches? If bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to “put your two cents in”... but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 23

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Why do doctors call what they do a practice? After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of water? What do they ship styrofoam in? Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawnshop? Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Do mass murderers only kill in church? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘up over’? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’? When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

Final Thoughts He who stands on toilet is high on pot. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with stinky finger. A day without sunshine is like night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Remember, half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. Support bacteria. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re the only culture most people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

“Carry laughter with you wherever you go.” ~Hugh Sidey

Matt Metcalf

Awkward Moments

A collection of jokes for the socially inept.

Jokes compiled by Illustrations by

Matt Metcalf