Psychologies UK Sept 2018 by Maywish

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PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK

UK EDITION

SEPTEMBER 2018

●

£4.30

FREE

yourself! Let go of control and worry less

COOL

CALM SUMMER

From hectic to happy without breaking a sweat

LIFE SCHOOL

Make friends as an adult ● Press pause, be idle ● Ditch the backstabbers ●

INTERVIEW

Amy Adams

On ‘Sharp Objects’ and exploring the dark side

16-PAGE DOSSIER

your life plan Reboot

5 steps to create a new vision from your deckchair Test: is distraction, or doubt, stopping you?

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Contents SEP TEMBER 201 8

* COVER STORY

REGULARS

Page 26

Page 56 Page 62 Page 21

Page 22

Page 39 Page 64

Cover: Jess Vespa/Contour by Getty Images

EDITOR’S LET TER

LET TERS

I’D LIKE TO THANK …

THE FIX

HARRIET MINTER

E VENTS

102

THE WORDS

12 7

STOCKISTS

130

HAPPINESS BOOK CLUB

22 * INTERVIEW

Amy Adams Be part of our club! Our online coaching club is free to all subscribers. Access interactive videos, podcasts, downloadable workbooks and more. Save 50 per cent when you subscribe today! See our unmissable offer on page 80.

“I like those self-help teachings that tell us we can lose our pain by doing simple things” FEATURES 16 APPEAL OF TEAL

Martha Roberts finds a world of peace in serene blue-green 21

* *

#COOLCALMSUMMER

PHOTOGRAPH: BLUE COLLECTIONS/STOCKSY

All aboard for the happy holiday slowdown, writes Sarah Merson

30 SHARED VALUES

The Life Hacks of doctor and broadcaster Radha Modgil 32 MY LIFE, MY WAY

The online and offline successes of Sandrine Zhang Ferron

now!

Reboot your life plan

THE ART OF BEING IDLE

Loafing on the to-do list? Relish the thought, says Dominique Loreau 26

64 * THE DOSSIER

BACKSTABBER DETOX

Business guru Sháá Wasmund tells us how to ditch the traitors

66 CHANGE YOUR LIFE FROM YOUR DECKCHAIR

Summer is the perfect time to re-evaluate your dreams and kick-start them, with help from some of the UK’s top coaches 72 IN PRAISE OF WASTING TIME

Alan Lightman talks to Ali Roff about the perils of being plugged in to excessive work 74 ‘I WAS ON HOLIDAY WHEN I DECIDED TO QUIT MY JOB’ With a little rest and space,

Laura Earnshaw saw a different vision for her life, and found the strength to pursue it 76 WHY ARE YOU PROCRASTINATING?

Take our insightful test to help you identify what makes you put your goals on hold

S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 3

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Contents SEP TEMBER 201 8

FEATURES 40 ‘I’M NUMB AND MISERABLE AT UNIVERSITY’

Agony aunt Mary Fenwick assists readers in turmoil 44 ‘I DON’T BELIEVE THAT SHE REALLY LOVES ME’

Our award-winning coach, Kim Morgan, guides a man with trust issues after a teenage betrayal 46 LIVING TRIBUTES

An appreciative Lizzie Enfield sets out to tell her nearest and dearest how much she values them 51 ORGASMIC LIFE: JEALOUS JUDGEMENT

Karla Newbey’s sexual awakening continues 56

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE FREE

‘CAN WE BE FRIENDS? ’

Learning to let go of control gives our Features Writer Ellen Tout so much less to worry about in life 62

Oliver Burkeman’s Last Word on adult connections

THE RETREAT 10 6 CANYONING IN MADEIR A

Conquering her fears gets Leanne Bracey into deep water – where she discovers faith in herself 1 10 4 8 HOURS: A FINN TIME TO BE FREE!

A stint in a Helsinkian jail awaits Lizzie Enfield 1 1 3 THE WORLD’S BEST YOGA RETRE ATS

Caroline Sylger Jones introduces the best yoga breaks for restoring body and mind 116 ENVIRONMENTAL ELEMENTS

Erica Tanov’s relaxed spaces inspired by nature

#360ME

122 SALADS REINVENTED

now!

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THE PL AN

Expert advice in four holistic sections – Mind, Body, Spirit and Gut – for happiness, and pleasure 91

THE OPEN MIND

Our Wellbeing Director-at-Large, Eminé Rushton, shares her wisdom on navigating life’s crossroads 92

TURNING THE TIDE ON PL ASTIC

Eco campaigner Lucy Siegle urges us to do our bit 96

THE JOURNEY

A soul-searching Ali Roff realises she has the power to redirect her thoughts and quell anxiety 99 THE BALANCE PLAN

Ayurvedic living with Paul Rushton, who explains the ancient wisdom surrounding peaceful sleep

PHOTOGRAPH: STUDIO FIRMA/STOCKSY

Wholesome and satisfying summer staples

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Kelsey Media, Cudham Tithe Barn, Berry’s Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG (01959 541444, email letters@psychologies.co.uk)

CONTRIBUTORS

Meet three of the people who have taken part in the creation of this issue of Psychologies

Sarah Merson Journalist

Sarah, a freelance journalist, lives in Somerset with her husband and three children. She specialises in health, wellbeing and travel writing and loves planning a new adventure for her family. On page 26, Sarah writes about her plans to create a carefree summer. ‘What I need is to log off, relax and reconnect,’ she says. ‘It may be a challenge to coax the kids into it, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve!’ Join us, using #coolcalmsummer.

Lizzie Enfield Writer

Lizzie is a freelance writer and novelist who was brought up to believe that praise and compliments were things to be used sparingly. So sparingly that sometimes it seemed people were only lauded at their funerals! This month, she looks at the art of giving and receiving compliments. Read more on page 46. Her latest novel, Ivy And Abe (published as Elizabeth Enfield, Michael Joseph, £12.99), is out now.

Gabriela Lerner

Coach, writer and speaker In 2012, after suffering with fibromyalgia, Gabriela embarked on a journey of change – exploring the role of food, mindfulness, freedom and more. Today, she runs retreats, courses and events to share her experiences. Gabriela worked with writer Ellen Tout to unpick what freedom really means in our lives, and how embracing it can create true calm. Read more on page 56.

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GLOBAL EDITIONS

Psychologies is published under licence from Psychologies Magazine France. Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark. Copyright ©2002 Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark and is published monthly by Kelsey Media 2018 © all rights reserved. Kelsey Media is a trading name of Kelsey Publishing Ltd. Reproduction in whole or in part is forbidden except with permission in writing from the publishers. Note to contributors: articles submitted for consideration by the editor must be the original work of the author and not previously published. Where photographs are included, which are not the property of the contributor, permission to reproduce them must have been obtained from the owner of the copyright. The Editor cannot guarantee a personal response to all letters and emails received. The views expressed in the magazine are not necessarily those of the Editor or the Publisher. Kelsey Publishing Ltd accepts no liability for products and services offered by third parties. PRIVACY NOTICE Kelsey Publishing Ltd uses a multi-layered privacy notice, giving you brief details about how we would like to use your personal information. For full details, visit kelsey.co.uk, or call 01959 543524. If you have any questions, please ask, as submitting your details indicates your consent, until you choose otherwise, that we and our partners may contact you about products and services that will be of relevance to you via direct mail, phone, email or SMS. You can opt out at ANY time via email: data.controller@kelsey.co.uk or 01959 543524.

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PHOTOGRAPHS: NEIL BAIRD; SARAH KETELAARS

OUR TEAM Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker Design Director Lynne Lanning Creative Director Laura Doherty Features Director Elizabeth Heathcote Wellbeing Director-at-Large Eminé Rushton Editor-at-Large Ali Roff Associate Editors Danielle Woodward, Anita Chaudhuri Features Writer and Digital Editor Ellen Tout Acting Picture Editor Leanne Bracey Production Editor Vee Sey Deputy Production Editor Leona Gerrard Contributing Editors Wellness Nicky Clinch and Larah Davies Body Hollie Grant Spirit Annee de Mamiel Mind Suzy Reading and Will Williams Gut Eve Kalinik Yoga Kat Farrants Nature Paul Rushton Retreat Caroline Sylger Jones Health Hazel Wallace ADVERTISING & PRODUCTION TigerBee Media, Commercial Director Nikki Peterson (020 3510 0849) nikki.peterson@tigerbeemedia.co.uk Commercial Manager Clare Osbourne (07876 594762) clare.osbourne@tigerbeemedia.co.uk Production Manager Melanie Cooper (01733 363485) kelseylifestyle@atgraphicsuk.com Production Supervisor Dionne Fisher (01733 363485) kelseylifestyle@atgraphicsuk.com MANAGEMENT Managing Director Phil Weeden Chief Executive Steve Wright Chairman Steve Annetts Finance Director Joyce Parker-Sarioglu Publishing Director Kevin McCormick Retail Distribution Manager Eleanor Brown Audience Development Manager Andy Cotton Brand Marketing Manager Rebecca Gibson Events Manager Kat Chappell Publishing Operations Manager Charlotte Whittaker Print Production Manager Nicola Pollard Print Production Controller Georgina Harris SUBSCRIPTIONS 13 issues of Psychologies are published per annum ● UK annual subscription price: £55.90 ● Europe annual subscription price: £70 ● USA annual subscription price: £70 ● Rest of World annual subscription price: £76 ● UK subscription and back issue orderline: 01959 543747 ● Overseas subscription orderline: 0044 (0) 1959 543747 ● Toll-free USA subscription orderline: 1 888 777 0275 ● UK customer service team: 01959 543747; subs@kelsey.co.uk

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Cool, calm, together If you saw yourself in three years’ time, living the same life, how would you feel? In our Dossier, we ask direct coaching questions like this to help you figure out if you’re moving in the right direction, need to tweak a few things or even reboot your whole life plan. The best news? You can do it from your deckchair. All you need is 15 minutes of quiet Suzy Walker time, a pen and your journal. Turn to page 64. Change Editor-in-Chief, with Oscar is less scary with support. I hope you’ll subscribe and join the office dog our community of inspiring readers in our Life Leap Club. Summer is perfect for spending time with loved ones. On page 46, Lizzie Enfield encourages us to tell them why we love them, too. ‘Knowing we’re appreciated makes a difference, while efforts unnoticed can turn into resentments,’ she writes. For more encouragement, read Vanessa King’s book recommendation on page 130, Why Good Things Happen To Good People by Stephen Post and Jill Neimark, and learn why the act of giving will have a powerful impact on everyone’s life, including yours. Sarah Merson gives us ideas on slowing down in nature on page 26 and, at Psychologies HQ, we’re on board. Join our #coolcalmsummer campaign – and let’s be cool and calm together this summer!

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Viewpoint

Send your letters to letters@psychologies.co.uk and tell us what you love about our magazine. You could win a six-month subscription, plus access to our new Life Leap Club!

SWEET DREAMS

Star letter

I loved the feature ‘Daydream believer’ (June). Not long ago, I went through a relationship breakdown and was left feeling alone, vulnerable and insecure. I took a risk and booked a holiday abroad alone. After the initial hesitation, I began to quickly relax and found myself feeling a deep sense of calm. Free from the usual routine and stresses, I was able to focus on my own needs and desires – to nourish and comfort myself; to cry when I wanted to and allow myself to just be. I was able to daydream for days and wrote down my feelings. It worked as a unique therapy for me to realise who I was again and concentrate on being my best self. Amazing work Psychologies! Kirsty

Share with us…

Share your photos and comments on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine, or tweet us @PsychologiesMag both using #PsychologiesMagazine @sammieaurora

@emmambradshaw: Thanks @HarrietMinter for another resonating read in this month’s @PsychologiesMag I too recognise

I bought this magazine because my beloved @taylorswift is on the cover. It’s now my favourite mag! Very empowering and inspiring articles.

that when nice shiny things approach during a project, my self-control and discipline need to kick in, as invariably it’s the procrastinating and selfsabotaging ‘me’ trying to take over.

@itsamrsgthing:

@samanthaskeoc12: Just been reading @alexfishermedia @PsychologiesMag feature and found it really inspiring. I’d long

Happy days! Lying on a picnic blanket in the park, music on, sun shining down, reading this month’s edition of Psychologies while the hubby and the youngest play football. This is what Sundays are all about.

forgotten what it was like just to sit and daydream, whether it was looking out the window or more. Thank you for such an inspiring article and for reminding me of the importance of daydreaming.

Get your weekly fix!

@ikigai_apparel: What a weekend it’s been @mindfullivingshow. It was really fabulous to meet @psychologiesmagazine Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker and thank her for all the wonderful articles they write.

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feedback Letter of gratitude

LA VIE EST BELLE I recently placed a monthly order for Psychologies at my local paper shop here in the south of France – a luxury I really look forward to. Sonia Choquette’s heart-warming story (June) of taking a leap of faith and following her passion, making a life-changing move to France was something I was able to identify with. She has now joined a growing number of single women, all with their own personal reasons for coming here. Yes, it can be tough but also liberating, healing and a hugely soul-growing experience. Susanne

PHOTO COMPETITION This photo of my two-year-old nephew, Tommy, screams ‘Abundance’! I’d taken him to our city centre to play in the water on a glorious sunny day. He has love, family and clean water in abundance. We are lucky to live in a country where we can play, drink and bathe in clean water. Him throwing his arms in the air with excitement brings me such happiness. All he thinks about is fun and food! He is lucky to be loved abundantly. Ashley Richardson

I’d like to thank…

Jo, my boss Thank you for seeing in me what had been hidden for a long time. Thank you for inviting me into your team and welcoming all that I bring. Thank you for creating the environment for me to be authentic and natural. Thank you for stretching and challenging me, but providing support and counsel, too. You’ve helped me find myself again and encouraged me to be the best I can be. You’ve provided permission and means for me to become a more present and involved mum and wife. You’ve quite simply changed my life and helped me find happiness. When we met, you told me that being a good line manager was the most important thing to you. Nine months on, I can say that I am so truly grateful for that.

Laura The winner WOULD YOU LIKE to showcase your photographic talent in ‘Psychologies’? What moment has made you feel inspired, grateful or moved this month? Capture it and tell us why. We’ll print the winner, plus you’ll receive a six-month subscription, and access to our Life Leap Club! Share your photo with us and explain its inspiration on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine with the hashtag #PsychologiesPhoto or email to letters@psychologies.co.uk.

This month’s gratitude letter, star letter and chosen photo win a six-month subscription to Psychologies worth £25.80, plus access to our Life Leap Club! Send your letters to letters@psychologies.co.uk

FOR FULL TS&CS, SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK. OPEN TO UK RESIDENTS ONLY

Thank you.

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The Fix

News I Reviews

I Books

I Film

Art

Ideas

EDITED BY ELLEN TOUT

I was a pebble. I was a leaf. “I was the jagged branch of a

tree. I was nothing to them and they were everything to me

PHOTOGRAPH: MFFOTO/SHUTTERSTOCK

CHERYL STRAYED

”

When we travel, the cultures of the countries we explore are usually what we notice first, and are often what inspire us to visit. The food, art, history and local customs… But where to start? Lonely Planet’s Culture Trails guide (£15.98) is a tour of the world in 52 short trips. It showcases landmarks, such as the Acropolis, perhaps the most important ancient site in the Western world and a must-see on a trip to Athens – standing over the city and visible from almost everywhere.

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The Fix

Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts

Sleepy heads

‘Be Nice, Be Kind’ print, £12 Native State

OUR KINDNESS PROJECT

Are you an early bird? A major study** found that those who go to bed and rise early are 20 per cent less likely to have depression. Researchers followed women over four years, finding a link between mental health and sleep chronotype, or sleep-wake preference, even after accounting for aspects such as work, activity and health. Experts stress, however, that night owls should not worry, but could try spending time outdoors, and dimming lights in the evening to alter their sleep routine.

MORAL OF THE STORY

IN 1796, WILLIAM TUKE founded ‘moral treatment’ for people with mental health problems. He set up the York Retreat where, as opposed to inhumane asylums of the time, treatment was kindness, trust, respect and autonomy. With no conventional medical care, patients were encouraged to assist each other, looking after their ‘family’ of other residents. The retreat was so successful, the model spread to the US,

where it gained huge popularity, with psychiatrists believing it caused ‘organic changes in brain matter’. Moral treatment has been forgotten in our modern world, but there is growing scientific evidence that helping others boosts mental health. For example, a study* found that people who did volunteering work had much lower rates of depression than those who didn’t. What’s the connection? You decide.

Join ‘Psychologies’ kindness tsar David Hamilton live on Facebook @Psychologiesmagazine for his free 30-day kindness challenge every month; next on 4 September at 1pm. For access to more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’ Life Leap coaching club, free when you subscribe to the magazine. Read more in ‘The Five Side Effects Of Kindness’ by David Hamilton (Hay House, £10.99)

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Pyjamas, £16, M&Co

IMAGE: SHIRIN SAHBA FROM ‘NEW HORIZONS’. *M MUSICK ET AL, VOLUNTEERING AND DEPRESSION, ‘SOCIAL SCIENCE AND DEPRESSION’, 2003; **C VETTER ET AL, PROSPECTIVE STUDY OF CHRONOTYPE AND INCIDENT DEPRESSION AMONG MIDDLE- AND OLDER-AGED WOMEN IN THE NURSES’ HEALTH STUDY II,‘JOURNAL OF PSYCHIATRIC RESEARCH’, 2018; †SUPPLIESFORCANDLES.CO.UK, 2018; †† A MARTELLI ET AL, VIRGINIA COMMONWEALTH UNIVERSITY, 2018. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 127

Author David Hamilton is an advocate of kindness. Here, he examines the power of compassion and helping each other

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68% OF SINGLE BRITS SAY THEY ARE INTROVERTS,† WHICH COULD MAKE DATING A CHALLENGE!

PICK ME! PICK ME!

Culture

Mindfulness buffers against feelings of social rejection, research suggests.†† In a study, students rated their level of mindfulness before playing a game but, when participants were ignored, experts noticed the more mindful people were less concerned by the ‘rejection’. In fact, in brain imaging, the area responsible for negative emotions was barely activated in them. It appears being in the moment regulates negativity, and instils ‘bottom-up’ rational thinking.

New horizons

Shirin Sahba was born to Persian parents in New Delhi and, by the age of five, had lived on three continents. Wherever Sahba went with her family, so did her beloved sketchbook, as she developed – not a sense of belonging to any one particular place – but an identity as a ‘citizen of the world’, she says. During her extensive travels, Sahba interpreted what she saw and honed her craft as an artist. ‘These new and exciting places revealed so many differences between people, but also so many similarities,

teaching me that we are all part of one human family,’ says Sahba. ‘Whether wandering through a slum or the grounds of a palace, we are all walking the same earth.’ Her work, pictured, published in her beautiful book, New Horizons (Chronicle Books, £12.99), celebrates the diversity of people, places and traditions of the world – inspired by the everyday beauty of scenes such as a sari fluttering in the breeze or a mother and child enjoying gelato on a hot day in Italy.

Lotus tealight, £15, Guru Shop

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♥ Audible books

Our friends at Audible tell us why this trio will move you WE LOVE Jali, Skald and Bard by Sophie Hannah, Joanne Harris, Nikesh Shukla and more This collection of short stories, written and recorded exclusively for Audible, features some of the UK’s best-loved authors. Exploring themes of arrival, discovery and destination, the 18 tales are divided into three parts: Skald (crime by Ben Okri, Sophie Hannah, Parker Bilal and more), Jali (sci-fi and fantasy by Nikesh Shukla, Lauren Beukes and more) and Bard (contemporary fiction by Joanne Harris, Sarah Hall and more). Collating the work of award-winners and emerging talents, the collection sees authors expand their existing worlds, experiment with previously unexplored genres and innovate with stories crafted specifically for the spoken word.

‘Jali’, ‘Skald’ and ‘Bard’ are free for Audible members or with a 30-day trial. See audible.co.uk

46%

OF HOLIDAYMAKERS SAY TRAVEL HAS A POSITIVE EFFECT ON THEIR MENTAL HEALTH – AND 55 PER CENT SAY IT HELPS INSPIRE SIGNIFICANT LIFE CHANGES*

Art therapy

Crafting makes people feel relaxed, creative, calm and happy, according to a poll,** with 75 per cent of people agreeing it boosts their mental wellbeing. One in five say it helps them achieve a better work-life balance, and a quarter say crafting enables them to manage depression or anxiety. Apparently, handcrafts engage parts of the brain that are used less and less in the modern world – but research suggests getting crafty reignites the connection between practical work and feeling good. No needle to say more!

Handcrafted upcycled bag, £250, From Belo

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Film of the month

The Miseducation Of Cameron Post

FILM REVIEW: ELLEN TOUT. AUDIOBOOK RECOMMENDATION BY ELISE ITALIAANDER, CONTENT MANAGER AT AUDIBLE. *BOOKING.COM, 2018; ** KIRSTIE ALLSOPP’S HANDMADE FAIR, 2018. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 127

Directed by Desiree Akhavan Inspired by the novel of the same name, The Miseducation Of Cameron Post is a moving coming-of-age story. We follow Cameron (Chloë Grace Moretz) as she learns what it means to be empowered and have confidence in her identity. Her story begins in America in the 1990s, when Cameron is persuaded by her misguided guardians to move to a gay conversion-therapy centre. We gain insight into the intimate lives of Cameron, other young people in the same situation and the centre leaders – as well as the

damage, and unity, their circumstances have forged. But this unusual setting of harsh treatments and ironic Christian rock songs also provides Cameron with a welcome LGBT+ community. For the first time, Cameron connects with her peers, and is able to find her place among her fellow outcasts. The film is funny and emotive, shining a light on the reality for some members of the LGBT+ community, past and present, through Cameron’s strength, and her journey to eventual self-acceptance. ET

LEAP INTO LAUGHTER

HEART RATE Every six months, I like to check in with myself in my favourite coffee shop, to stay on track in a gentle way. I jot down answers to these questions in my notebook: ‘What activities would add joy and fun to life? Where do I want my physical and emotional health to be in six months’ time? What would improve life right now? What tiny shift would make me smile more?’ This practice helps my heart sing louder. ES

Heart jumper, £55, White Stuff

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@Psychologiesmagazine every month, next on 24 September at 1pm. For more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’ Life Leap coaching club, free when you subscribe. See also our Dossier about creating a new vision for your life on page 64

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The Fix

Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts

87%

OF MILLENNIAL MEN SAY THEY VALUE EMOTIONAL AND INTELLECTUAL STRENGTH OVER PHYSICAL BRAWN*

The colour file

Martha Roberts, creator of The Colour File, investigates how colour makes us think, act and feel. This month, it’s team teal!

Are you aware of your strengths and skills? Do you use them in your career? If not, find the path where you can be at your best. Today, ask everyone you trust what job they think you’d love. Maybe their answers will inspire a change…

“

Life Clubs run fun and practical self-discovery workshops. September’s workshop, ‘Time to design the career you want’, will use intuition to find your purpose, then map your next steps. See lifeclubs.com

but in a grounded way.’ Colour also does interesting physiological things. ‘Blue has been scientifically proven to lower our heart rate and, anecdotally, green promotes relaxation and healing.’

The colour challenge ● Inject more teal into your life by

visiting the seaside for a swim or cycle, or enjoy a riverside walk or meditation. ● Paint your bedroom teal and blush pink. ‘This is one of my favourite colour combinations,’ says Jacobs. ‘You will experience the relaxing benefits of blue, restoring properties of green and nurturing properties of blush – the perfect mix for the room in which you rest, and you should wake up refreshed.’ ● Quick-fix. Add fascinating teal with cushions, linen and lampshades, if you’re not redecorating at the moment.

To find out more about Martha’s colour journey, see psychologies.co.uk; colourfile.com; @the_colour_file; annajacobsart.com

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J OLIFFE ET AL, A MIXED-METHODS STUDY OF THE HEALTH-RELATED MASCULINE VALUES AMONG YOUNG CANADIAN MEN, ‘PSYCHOLOGY OF MEN & MASCULINITY’, 2018

”

LOVE EVERY DAY

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR? Chances are it’s bluey-green, according to global research. Last year, a survey by British papermaker GF Smith revealed that the world’s favourite colour is ‘Marrs green’, named after Annie Marrs, who put it forward for inclusion in the research after a boat trip near her home town of Dundee. Marrs green is the vibrant blue-green – or green-blue – that we might otherwise call teal. But what is it about this colour that we love so much? Colour psychologist Karen Haller says teal conveys trustworthiness and sophistication. It has the calming effects of blue and the balancing qualities of green, and is ideal in spaces where you wish to regain equilibrium after a busy day. British artist Anna Jacobs says teal is an ‘off’ colour. ‘This means it isn’t quite blue and it isn’t quite green, and that’s what gives it fascination. Teal stimulates creativity and curiosity because our brain is always assessing whether it’s blue or green, keeping us in a state of interest,

LIFE CLUBS

NINA GRUNFELD, FOUNDER OF LIFE CLUBS

Zeal for teal

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Measure the difference with Water Balance

hriherbalmedicine.co.uk

HRI Water Balance tablets for the relief of water retention

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women v cancer cycle milan to venice 3-7 October 2019

Experience “La Dolce Vita” cycling from Italy’s fashion capital of Milan to magical Venice in three days to raise funds for three invaluable women’s cancer charities, Breast Cancer Care, Ovarian Cancer Action and Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust.

For more information and to register online:

www.dream-challenges.com t: 01590 646410 e: events@dream-challenges.com

Registered Charity Nos: Breast Cancer Care: 1017658/SC038104, Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust: 1133542/SC041236, Ovarian Cancer Action: 1109743/SC043478. Women V Cancer is established under Giving Works. Registered Charity No. 1078770. To take part you need to pay a registration fee of £149 and raise minimum sponsorship funds of £1,600.

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self LESSONS IN ADULTHOOD

Back to school

Learning a new skill isn’t as easy as it used to be, discovers a rusty Harriet Minter

It’s a strange thing to go back to school; and even stranger to relearn the things I’d forgotten about learning – that I would need to take notes was the first. I discovered a day course might teach me how to make bread but, if I wanted to truly understand the process, I would need to practise.

Over and over and over again

There’s the theory that in order to become an expert at anything, you have to practise for 10,000 hours; I’d suggest that in order to become merely competent, you need to put in 1,000. My first loaf at home was a disaster and I didn’t know why. I tried again, and again. I’m still trying, and I still haven’t produced a loaf as good as the one I made in class. I was also reminded that homework is better done with friends. Having somebody to hold you accountable for actually doing the work – and laugh with about how tough it is – makes it more enjoyable. Finally, I discovered that if you want to learn something new as an adult, you need to understand why. Are you learning a new language so you can travel with ease? Or taking up a sport to regain fitness? Or do you simply want to be able to make a loaf of bread to break with your friends? When you know the reason, you’re ready to pick up your pen and get learning. For weekly wisdom from Harriet, sign up for her newsletter at tinyletter.com/ harrietminter. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @harrietminter

PHOTOGRAPH: MARK HARRISON. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: CAROLINE PIASECKI. STYLIST: KATE ANYA BARBOUR

few weeks ago, I stood in a cookery school in London, measuring flour and kneading dough. I was on a one-day course to learn how to make bread. I’d booked it on one of those days when you fancy your life would be better if you could just go back to the olden days when community mattered; when people… baked their own bread! Days when you’ve got a hangover and nurse it watching reruns of The Great British Bake Off. I signed up, then forgot about it, until an email came telling me to be on time and bring something to write on. Reader, I did not bring something to write on. It’s been so long since I’ve learned a new skill I’d forgotten the rules. As adults, we think our school days are behind us, we’ve learned all we need to know and can just get on with life. But sometimes we need to master new skills, and it’s fun to stretch our brains that way. There is a reason we’re better at learning in our youth: the brain is like a muscle and as children we exercise it all the time. We’re constantly confronted by new situations, and have to deal with them. As adults, we’re exposed to fewer new situations, and learning can feel like a physical effort. If you asked my friends they’d tell you I was a pretty good cook, based on the fact that I can knock out a mean lasagne and a batch of brownies. The reality is, I’m more inclined to buy recipe books to read than actually cook from them.

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• • • • • • •

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emotional intelligence

HOW TO…

Be idle

WORDS: SUZY WALKER. PHOTOGRAPH: AUDREY SHTECINJO/STOCKSY

In the modern world, where productivity is lauded, taking time out has become a forgotten art, says bestselling French author Dominique Loreau, who published L’art de la Simplicité to international acclaim

dleness should be a soughtafter luxury, not a form of inertia, says Loreau. ‘With a few possessions and organisation, idleness is a privilege. Too many things demand our attention. Too many of us are driven by passions that are really a form of passivity. We are running away from ourselves. When we live in the present, we are not tired. People are exhausted by the thought of all they have to do, not what they have actually done. Taking time out to contemplate our experiences is the highest form of activity.’ So, where do we start?

Go on holiday. If you can’t take a break, plan long weekends. Get away to a quiet place ‘off grid’, far from the hustle and bustle of the world, and your daily concerns. Find a place to stay where your meals are included, so you can exclude the chore of ‘what to eat’ and think. Take very little with you: too much baggage ruins the simple pleasure of your outing, according to Loreau. One change of clothes, a toothbrush, a pen and notebook are all you need. Collect information about a

range of places that suit your varying

moods and needs. Save them for when you would love to get away but are too tired to decide what would suit you best in that moment: a go-to list of destinations for your reference.

Try getting up earlier from

time to time. Have breakfast in a pleasant cafe, or prepare a picnic to enjoy later at sunset. Changing gear from time to time helps you to avoid becoming bogged down in routine, to live each moment with the intensity that it deserves. Simple pleasures. ‘L’art de la Simplicité: How To Live More With Less’ (Orion, £12.99) by Dominique Loreau is out now

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interview

Amy Adams

“No one else can truly know what a person is feeling and I think, most of the time, we’d rather not find out ” Award-winning actress Amy Adams opens up about pain, and exploring the dark recesses of a troubled woman’s psyche in new HBO series, Sharp Objects, which she also produced PHOTOGRAPH JEFF VESPA/CONTOUR BY GETTY IMAGES

he may have won two Golden Globes and been nominated for five Academy Awards but, when it comes to defining exactly what it is that makes Amy Adams such a captivating performer, the truth is not easy to pinpoint. Certainly, her breadth of work is impressive, starring in breezy comedies like Enchanted and The Muppets, gritty dramas such as The Fighter and American Hustle, offbeat gems Her and Nocturnal Animals, not to mention her recurring turn as Superman’s sweetheart Lois Lane in three DC Comics blockbusters (and counting)… but the real secret to the actress’s success appears to be her ability to truly embody the characters she tackles – there are no

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flimsy efforts and no whimsical portrayals; Adams has become a master of authentic characterisation. Her talent for complete immersion in a script comes from a raw fascination for, and dedication to, her craft. ‘For each character, I build a psychological backstory from the age of around three – I’ll imagine their whole life leading up to the present day,’ she says. That’s no mean feat: the capability to delve deeply into a character’s soul, to imagine and fantasise about their life, while staying grounded in ‘being Amy’, who, it quickly becomes clear, is a light-hearted, effervescent and humorous person. To enable this process, Adams insists on working only with directors who allow her freedom and >>>

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interview

>>> space to explore each role, so it is not surprising that her

“Too many times, we internalise our pain, and that’s when people end up becoming a big, knotted mass of regret and emotion”

most recent project, Sharp Objects – co-starring Patricia Clarkson, Chris Messina and Matt Craven – is directed by Jean-Marc Vallée, the French-Canadian who was at the helm of last year’s HBO hit series Big Little Lies. In this new eight-part psychological thriller, based on Gillian Flynn’s debut novel of the same name, Adams probes sombre and uncomfortable subject matter as a tormented, self-harming reporter who must face her inner demons while investigating the murders of two girls. Paradoxically, the talented actress is in her happiest place yet, embracing her two disparate worlds with inspired vigour as she manages her biggest career successes alongside a quiet home life in California with her husband, painter Darren Le Gallo, and their seven-year-old daughter, Aviana. Adams is adamant that maintaining a healthy work-life balance is vital, and she puts little value in celebrity, saying previously, ‘The more people know about me, the less they’ll believe me and my characters.’ Outside of work, the actress is community-minded, and Is Camille an easy character with which to identify? has several philanthropic endeavours. She actively supports I think so, yes. I don’t think I could really play a character The Trevor Project, a non-profit organisation that helps who I found it impossible to relate to, because in every role distressed LGBT+ teenagers; and she also features in there is a piece of the actor, and there has to be. In this case, The Beauty Book For Brain Cancer by it’s about exploring pain and trying photographer Darren Tieste, a coffeeto let go of that pain – and that’s ‘SHARP OBJECTS’ table book published to raise money very difficult. Too many times, we Hot on the heels of last year’s for brain cancer charities. However, internalise our pain, and that’s when sensational Big Little Lies, HBO looks her most cherished work is with people end up becoming a big, knotted set to have another resounding underprivileged students at New York’s mass of regret and emotion. success with Sharp Objects. But, Ghetto Film School. Recalling her own I like those self-help teachings that despite both shows being directed by youthful desire to work in the film tell us we can lose our pain by doing Jean-Marc Vallée, this latest series has industry, and finding that opportunities simple things. I do believe ridding less in common with the housewives were far out of reach, Adams is devoted ourselves of pain is possible, but I’ve of Monterey, California, and more of to making sure deprived youngsters certainly never found it that easy. a connection with another HBO have free access to film-making courses Ultimately, pain is only ever a very treasure, crime series True Detective. and workshops. private thing. No one else can truly Tragic, claustrophobic and Well-rounded, resourceful and kind, know what a person is feeling and genuinely haunting, Sharp Objects not that she wants anyone to know that… I think, most of the time, we’d rather tells the story of reporter Camille not find out.

The interview

Tell us more about Sharp Objects… It’s the story of Camille Preaker. She is a reporter heading back to her home town to try to get a big story. But she gets more than that, and we end up with quite a stunning insight into one person’s life, with the hook being that she is investigating the violent murders of two young girls.

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Preaker who returns to her home town of Wind Gap, Missouri, to investigate the murders of two girls. But the experience is not straightforward for Camille, who has recently been discharged from a psychiatric hospital following years of self-harming. Battling her own problems while investigating the murky secrets of a small American town, Camille must unravel her own past before she can solve the mysteries of the dead.

Did you have to get into shadowy territory on this project this because Camille has so many layers? She really does… Absolutely. I mean, you have to go and live in a place that’s rather uncomfortable, but I am lucky that I have great friends and family – and they pull you right out at the end of the day. It was darker and deeper than I first thought though.

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In 2016’s Oscar-nominated revenge tale Nocturnal Animals, Adams plays art gallery owner Susan Morrow

WORDS: INTERVIEW HUB. PHOTOGRAPHS: REX FEATURES; COLLECTION CHRISTOPHEL

In Sharp Objects, with Patricia Clarkson and Eliza Scanlen. Right, at last year’s American Cinematheque Awards

Did you enjoy doing this series, as opposed to a feature film? Yes, very much so. I love the idea of getting to develop the character over the course of eight episodes. You get to go so much further into her backstory and her psyche and that was so much fun. It was thrilling. I think it’s a subject some people will definitely not understand unless they read the book, too. But we talk about mental health issues, people cutting themselves and all sorts of things we have to deal with in life. Is it satisfying to connect with audiences in a deeper way as your career develops, in contrast with your earlier, lighter roles, such as Enchanted? Yes. I’m always fascinated by exploring people’s stories and finding out how they communicate their experiences, and playing Camille was a wonderful way to examine that issue, which I think is so personal for many people. Hopefully, they will find some sort of catharsis in seeing somebody that they can relate to on screen.

As another journalist, Lois Lane, opposite Henry Cavill as Superman, aka Clark Kent

American Hustle (2013) was nominated for 10 Oscars, including best actress for Adams as cunning Sydney Prosser

How did you find your new role of executive producer? That was a big thing for me. I am the type of person who wants to invest in something as much as I can, because I trust in myself and I trust in the script. So, when I sat down in Los Angeles with Marti [Noxon, creator of Sharp Objects] and the team invited me in as executive producer, I couldn’t turn it down because I was already so into the script. Do you have any reservations about moving onto the small screen? Definitely not! There is a whole new thing going on with TV and it’s wonderful to see it coming back to the forefront. I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t want to be involved in that because it’s an exciting time to be driven by original, shortform drama. It’s exactly what the TV industry needed and, I think, in a different way, it’s definitely what the movie industry needed it terms of keeping it on its toes and ensuring that fresh, original ideas keep coming through. ‘Sharp Objects’ is being aired on Sky Atlantic now

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society

Cool, calm summer

You don’t have to be on holiday to relax. Sarah Merson has a plan to ensure that she and her family slow down and get outdoors this month – and we at Psychologies HQ are following their lead. Join us at #coolcalmsummer!

veryday life is hectic. My phone is constantly pinging with emails. I have an 11am meeting to prepare for, I need to call the plumber and pay the electricity bill. I’ve got to get to my dental appointment before walking the dog and picking up the children. I’m tethered to technology, my mind is relentlessly being pulled from pillar to post and my emotions are scattered, leaving me feeling stressed out and highly strung. And that’s just me… then there’s the rest of the family to consider. As I write this, my eldest son, Louis, is embroiled in his GCSEs and, with 24 exams to contend with, even the most laid-back teenager has the potential to combust. My daughter, Olivia, meanwhile,

has just turned 13 and, fraught with the typical adolescent tensions, social media is taking its grip. It’s terrifying, and I can feel my heart rate increase just as rapidly as her followers. Then there’s my happy-golucky 10-year-old, Jude, who, known for his lightness of heart, is getting bogged down with pending SATs tests. Did I mention my husband, Josh, in all of this? Aside from being a genuinely great bloke, he’s currently consumed by work, with barely enough time to come up for air, let alone to revive the rest of the family. What we – like most of us – need is to log off, relax and reconnect. But how? Well, I’m planning a summer of carefree activities for us. Not a holiday, but a new way of doing and seeing things, and with >>>

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be a challenge to coax the kids into it, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. First, I am signing up for laughter yoga. The boys aren’t interested but Olivia, partial to a good giggle (to the point of uncontrollable shaking), is intrigued enough to agree to join me. She’s heard me going on about the virtues of yoga for years, but the concept of laughter yoga seems to pique her curiosity, and mine.

Bust a gut-plus

It is well known that laughter does far more than momentarily increase happiness levels; it’s proven to reduce stress, increase lung capacity, boost creativity and even ease physical pain. Apparently, laughter yoga encourages us to chuckle more through exercises that evoke funny memories; by humming laughter sounds and feeling the vibrations through your body; enacting funny scenarios; or taking a deep intake of breath before exhaling in short bursts, and making ‘Ha!’ and ‘Eeee!’ sounds. ‘It might sound a bit bonkers but, once you tap into laughter, you can use it in your everyday life to help rewire your mind, and make you feel instantly more relaxed and uplifted,’ says laughter yoga teacher Lotte Mikkelsen. Sounds like just what Olivia and I need. Getting outside, and not just to the local park, is high up there among my summer priorities. When the children were younger, they loved nothing more than the endless summer days we used to spend paddling in the river, or rummaging in rock pools. Once, we camped on a beach in Spain, cooking mackerel we’d caught that day on a driftwood fire. OK, so it was an organised camp, but the point is that everyone was relaxed and happy, and they still talk about the adventure of it, and the sand that remained under their toenails until we got home. So, at least one wilderness experience is a must. Appealing to Louis (a former Scout) especially, is a rugged camping trip that requires true survival skills.

the children “wereWhen younger, they

loved nothing more than endless summer days paddling in the river, or rummaging in rock pools

“

>>> new experiences along the way. It may

We’re going to head to the hills for not one, but two nights under the stars. Sure, we’ve camped before; staying in what was effectively a parking lot and listening to our tent neighbour snore all night while spending a fortune for the privilege. But this time will be different. Instead of setting off armed with everything but the kitchen sink, we’ll be carrying only what we need: minimal food, including dehydrated versions of ‘all-day breakfast’ and ‘split-pea soup’ (survival pays no heed to the food pyramid), all-important iodine tablets to ensure safe drinking water, plenty of layers, waterproof matches, decent sleeping bags and a small tent (what we’ll lack in space, we’ll gain in body heat). It’s going to mean straying out of our comfort zone, and will certainly be a challenge but, after the oppression of the office and the confines of the classroom, hopefully it’ll bring the calmness we crave. Let’s hope Louis remembers the Scouting basics, and the weather is kind. Rain or shine, we’ve also acquired a summer job tending an incapacitated friend’s allotment and walking her dog. Jude is excited about having a pup to play with, less so about the prospect of digging up weeds but, the point is, it’ll get us all out into nature, and the fresh air. Importantly, the kids have agreed on a rota for both dog and allotment duties – and I’ve designed a nifty reward scheme that fits in with my summer plan: whoever puts the most in, will get the most out, by way of a fun, exciting and,

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of course, outdoor activity. I’m thinking rafting, or perhaps coasteering. Conveniently, the kids see them as treats.

Art imitating life

Tapping into our creativity is a must this summer, too. I’ve always had a hankering for painting and, whenever I contemplate it, I’m taken back to my school days. Art was my favourite subject but fear of failure crippled my flair. But I’m older now and, as Jean Haines, watercolourist and author of Paint Yourself Calm says, painting is a lesson in acceptance and letting things flow. ‘People put high expectations on themselves and want to create a masterpiece,’ says Haines. ‘But life isn’t perfect and painting, especially with watercolours, isn’t perfect either. Painting should be creative

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society

Life is better outside

Some (ahem) inside info from the coaching team at Fresh Air Fridays, who do all their valuable work in the great outdoors l Walking is a

great way to have an important conversation, whether with a family member, friend or colleague. Walking side by side, rather than facing one another, makes it easier to talk about difficult stuff. If you are discussing a problem, you’re literally facing it together. Without even thinking, you will start to walk in rhythm with one another. When you have this kind of rapport with someone, it is easier to trust them.

l When we walk, we

are involved in a

bilateral movement. For example, to swing our

“

PHOTOGRAPHS: RAYMOND FORBES/STOCKSY; PREVIOUS PAGE, BLUE COLLECTIONS/STOCKSY

“

I’ve always had a hankering for painting. Art was my favourite subject at school, but the fear of failure crippled my flair time that makes you feel great.’ So, I’m filling the house with paints and palettes, brushes and canvases. I will try to convince the whole family to give it a try, but I’m sure I can depend on Jude, who will probably be inspiration for me to let go of any preconceived ideas and just see how it turns out. His easy come,

left arm we use the right hemisphere of our brain; moving our right leg we need the left hemisphere. Research in neuroscience suggests that it may be good for us to engage in activities that use both sides of our brain, as it helps us to utilise all aspects of our thinking.

l When we are

highly emotional (excited or angry),

we are less able to think clearly, as we’re functioning in the reptilian part of our brain. Walking helps to activate more areas of the brain, the bigpicture thinking of the right hemisphere and

easy go nature lends itself perfectly to creativity – this is a boy who spent an entire day crafting a fortress, complete with an intricate maze of moats and bridges on the beach, only to happily watch it get washed away at the end of the day. I’m feeling liberated, and excited, just thinking about putting paint to paper.

Tech to make you smile

As for Louis and Olivia and their beloved devices, I have a ploy to turn things around. When it comes to tech time, they have to put in 15 minutes a day on Smiling Mind, the mindfulness app. It may seem counterintuitive at first, but they’re both keen. Smiling Mind has a fantastic section, ‘Mindfulness in the classroom’, and Louis has already downloaded it to help him through exams. Of course, I need to lead

the more logical, sequential thinking of the left hemisphere. l At work, we

recommend that if you don’t need a laptop and there are only two or three of you, you hold ‘walking meetings’. Don’t worry about taking notes, the changing scenery will help you remember what was said. Take five minutes when you get back to your desk to think through the walk and jot down notes.

l If

you, or anyone in your organisation,

would like to know more about how we support wellbeing, visit freshairfridays.co.uk

by example and, for my relaxed summer, this means cultivating a calm, mindful approach. Queen of to-do lists, the old me is guilty of rushing through my tasks to get on with the next thing. Instead, I’m trying to practise mindful immersion in everyday stuff, and already those routine tasks have become more interesting. I am also determined that no matter how busy I am, when the kids come to tell me about their schoolwork, friendship problems or sore foot, I will give them my full attention and really listen. After all, what could be more important than that? Join our summer adventure! Post pics and tell us your stories at #coolcalmsummer

lottemikkelsen.com; ‘Wild Camping’ by Stephen Neale (Bloomsbury, £14.99); ‘Micro Adventures’ by Alastair Humphreys (William Collins, £16.99); ‘Paint Yourself Calm’ by Jean Haines (Search Press, £15.99); smilingmind.com.au

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shared values

Radha Modgil

The medical doctor and broadcaster of BBC Radio 1’s Life Hacks show, shares what matters to her and how she deals with fear and anxiety INTERVIEW DANIELLE WOODWARD

One of my passions is helping people find their self-esteem and know that whatever they face, they can deal with it by using the right tools. Everyone can benefit from CBT; it’s a useful skill to understand yourself. I’m also a big fan of exercise; If I’m worried or anxious, getting out into nature and seeing the bigger picture can shift the negativity.

However much you want to help people, it has to come to them at the right time and it has to be their responsibility. It’s frustrating when you do all you can, but people refuse to change. Sometimes, you do them a disservice by doing it for them, as you’re taking away their power. You have to look at why you are trying to change someone – is it about them or you?

Currently, there seems to be a huge outpouring of anxiety and questions around identity. When teenagers hear fearful messages on the news, that ties into their anxiety and their need to feel safe, so they grab onto the things they think will make them feel better, like social media, but that actually makes them feel worse. It’s about having a balanced view: these are the challenges you may be faced with, but here’s how you can empower yourself to deal with them.

The idea of achieving a perfect balanced life is not realistic. It’s often about making the choice in each moment: I could either take this route, which will lead to this, or that route which will lead to that, so which will add to my day and which will make it worse? There are times in life when your balance goes out of control and you have to stop and think, ‘What’s happened here? How can I rebalance?’ It’s a constant process.

There’s a lot of pressure working in a hospital, and I dealt with it by talking to colleagues and exercising. Now, I work with GPs to help them make positive changes. Earlier this year, I gave a talk at the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons about resilience and burnout; statistically, vets are more likely than doctors to have mental health issues. The system can seem overwhelming but, if you ask what you can do in your own sphere to change things, you’re taking steps to deal with it. As a doctor, you don’t realise the power of your words and the impact you have. One woman I was helping with anxiety came back to see me six months later; she told me that something I had said had turned things around for her: ‘You’re not on your own, you can come out of this and learn skills to help you feel better. It won’t always be like this.’ That was a great moment.

30 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

I want to reach my full potential in life; uncertainty is scary, but also exciting. You can’t have one without the other. I also think to myself, ‘You’re frightened, but what will happen if you don’t do this?’ Then I think about how I would feel and I ask myself, ‘Do you want that outcome?’ If not, I only have one choice – to face it. When you live your life in line with your values, you keep your integrity and things seem to work out better. Some people in my profession roll their eyes when I tell them what I’m working on but, when others judge, I just wonder what their issue is; what’s making them say that. I used to think there was something wrong with me, because I wanted to do lots of different things; now I’m just grateful I listened to myself. Kindness is high on my agenda; I try to be gentle towards people and myself. Helping others feel connected through listening, understanding and empathy is vital to me – when you feel connected, you feel safe. Then you can reach your potential and do all the good in the world, because you have nothing to fear. Listen to ‘Life Hacks’ on BBC Radio 1 and download the podcasts on BBC iPlayer; watch ‘Feeling Better’ on CBeebies; drradha.co.uk

PHOTOGRAPH: HONEYBUNN PHOTOGRAPHY

I’m passionate about teaching youngsters self-esteem and resilience; to realise that it’s safe to talk and say, ‘I’m feeling like this…’ Singing and dancing in the CBeebies series Feeling Better was a step outside of my comfort zone, but I pictured the kids watching it and hoped that if I gave it my all, they’d like it.

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“With effort, persistence

and willingness to learn, anything is possible” Entrepreneur Sandrine Zhang Ferron credits her ability to step outside of her comfort zone as a key ingredient in making her online business a success WORDS DANIELLE WOODWARD PHOTOGR APHS LEANNE BR ACEY

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my life, my way

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“It ’s so important to enjoy your surroundings after a long day at work, and nice furniture shouldn’t be expensive”

ABOVE The collage of food photographs reminds Sandrine of travel and good times

34 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

LEFT The paper animal heads came from Anthropologie and add a quirky touch to the living room

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my life, my way

“My parents learned through hardship what it takes to succeed. They set high expectations for me”

anging above Sandrine Zhang Ferron’s fireplace is a huge collage of food photographs that she took herself: ‘I love cooking and eating out,’ she says, ‘and I used to be obsessed with taking pictures of everything I ate. One day, I decided to make a collage of the best photos – I remember every dish and they all bring back good memories. I usually order the most weird thing on a menu; I’m an adventurous foodie!’ And her adventurous spirit has also served her well in her career – before she set up her online business, Vinterior, a curated marketplace selling vintage and design furniture, Sandrine took a few months off to travel. ‘I was ready to dedicate all my time to the startup but wanted to have a break first. I travelled around Asia and ended up qualifying as a yoga teacher! My regular yoga and meditation practice keeps me grounded now.’ Sandrine was born in China and grew up in France. ‘My parents learned through hardship what it takes to succeed,’ she says. ‘When they arrived in France in the 1990s, they had to work multiple jobs to pay the bills, despite my father having a PhD in engineering. They invested much in my education and set high expectations for me, which was difficult at the time but they taught me that hard work pays off. I believe that with effort, persistence and willingness to learn, anything is possible.’

TOP CENTRE Sandrine’s husband gave her a bouquet made of vintage brooches at their wedding; she says

it suited their ‘Great Gatsby’ theme well! LEFT Chinese items such as this singing bowl link Sandrine to the country of her birth

In France, Sandrine went to business school to train for a job in finance: ‘I wanted something stimulating; that exciting, busy and challenging life,’ she says, ‘I worked at a brokerage firm on the trading floor, in charge of acquiring customers, closing deals and reaching sales targets. I worked autonomously for much of the time, which showed me what it was like to be an entrepreneur; it was a steep learning curve but the rewards were visible and I enjoyed it. Then, one of my clients asked me to work for them, so I saw the process from the other side, which was fascinating but, in the end, all I was doing was making rich people even richer. I wanted to do something more meaningful.’

Finding a gap in the market

At the time, Sandrine moved house and started to look for furniture for her new home. ‘It’s so important to enjoy your surroundings after a long day at work, and nice furniture shouldn’t be expensive,’ she says. ‘I had the idea to set up an online marketplace – I was trying to sell and buy furniture on Gumtree and eBay, but I was spending too much time dealing with time-wasters. I also spoke to friends who wanted to sell good-quality furniture but, because of the hassle, beautiful pieces ended up being given away for free or sold at auction. I felt that >>>

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LEFT Teaming vibrant patterns in soft furnishings against plain backdrops is how Sandrine achieves a balanced feel BELOW Sandrine has created an ‘indoor garden’ in her home, with easy-to-care-for plants including cacti

“I’m drawn to old Hollywood glamour, but I like to mix styles from different eras for an interesting, eclectic result ” >>> people would love to buy these items at a fraction of the retail

price and I realised there was a gap in the market for something that made it easy for people to buy and sell second-hand items. I was inspired by my jobs in finance to use the broker model, where you match a buyer with a seller and you take a cut.

Coding, connections and first sales

‘After a career in finance, I’d saved money so I felt financially stable enough to go for it; I thought that even if my initial idea didn’t work out, I’d just research the demands of the market and adapt it. But I couldn’t use existing solutions, such as Shopify, because I’d have to manage the inventory on behalf of the sellers, and I didn’t know anything about tech. I talked to friends who suggested I learn to code and get to know web developers. I thought about it and realised there were three things I needed to do: build a prototype for the website myself, to know enough about coding to be credible when hiring people and to build a network of developers. So, I decided to enrol on a coding course and it was the best investment

36 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

in myself I’ve ever made.’ Serendipity played a part in getting Vinterior going, too. ‘I launched the website with 12 shops and 200 products and worked that way for six months with no marketing budget. Then an interior designer put me in touch with someone who had connections at Seedcamp [a venture capital firm that invests in startups] and I got accepted onto the programme. That meant I could hire my first employee and build a proper company.’ And what’s been the best moment so far? ‘I remember receiving the notification for our first sale and I jumped for joy! I called the seller immediately who was pleased to have a sale happening so fast.’ As well as the highs that come with starting a business, Sandrine needed to build up her resilience to deal with the lows. ‘It’s important to set your expectations at the start,’ she says, ‘and talking to others in the same position helps. I find it hard to share the downsides with the team because not everyone is prepared to deal with it, or has the knowledge about how startups struggle.

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my life, my way

LEFT A striking, modern light fitting contrasts beautifully with this ornate ceiling rose BELOW Sandrine’s cat, Misifu, was a birthday present from her husband, and keeps her company when she works from home

“Plants add character and exoticism to the home and they also filter the air. I need low-maintenance plants though!” Morale can drop quickly and it’s my job to cheer everyone up.’ How does she cope with the 24-hour switched-on lifestyle of most entrepreneurs? ‘I never switch off, but I’m fine with it,’ she smiles. ‘I try to be less reactive if something happens and not deal with it until the day after. As the team is growing, I need to focus on what matters in the long term. I also have a supportive network of friends and mentors who I can always rely on for advice.’ At the start, the company focused on antique furniture but Sandrine wanted to extend the range to mid-century and more modern pieces, and the name ‘Vinterior’ covers it all. ‘I’m drawn to old Hollywood glamour, but I like to mix styles from different eras for an interesting result. If I fall in love with a piece, I have to find room for it. I move things around a lot; it drives my husband mad!’

Trust your instincts and express yourself

Sandrine suggests tuning into your sixth sense when it comes to choosing furniture. ‘Flea markets are ideal for finding things you really like and what you’re drawn to; it’s great to have pieces that

evoke memories. With Vinterior, I’m trying to show that you don’t need to go to a cheap flatpack furniture shop and get everything in one go; that 50-year-old furniture made of solid wood can cost the same and has lots more character. Decorating your home is a way to express yourself and your furniture should be as unique as you are.’ Sandrine loves surrounding herself with greenery at home and is inspired by the idea of ‘an indoor garden’: ‘Plants add character and exoticism to a home and they also filter the air,’ she says. ‘I need low-maintenance plants though, as I’m not very green-fingered.’ What does Sandrine love about working on Vinterior? ‘Having the opportunity to make a change, choosing a team to work with and building the culture of my company. It’s rewarding when you find people who are aligned with your vision. I never wanted to be a manager, so having people who do their job better than me is great. It’s rewarding to achieve customer satisfaction, but you can’t please everyone; you need to focus on those who value what you’re doing.’ Vinterior showcases thousands of items with details including the condition, country of origin and manufacturer. Prices start under £100 with worldwide delivery. vinterior.co

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work

The backstabber detox Author, speaker and entrepreneur Sháá Wasmund MBE tells us how to recognise and avoid toxic business relationships

PHOTOGRAPH: MARK HARRISON. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: CAROLINE PIASECKI. STYLIST: KATE ANYA BARBOUR

y entire career has been built on relationships, and the greatest assets in my life are the people in it; both personally and professionally. However, I have met my fair share of charlatans, backstabbers and those with Machiavellian traits. So how do you recognise these people and, even better, avoid them in the first place? l Listen to your instinct, it is rarely wrong. When you have a bad feeling about someone, or you just don’t think it’s going to work between you, listen to that voice. What’s making you feel that way? Is it something that was said or done? Did they trivialise one of your reactions, or did they try to address concerns that you raised? l Look out for passive-aggressive traits. Do they give backhanded compliments? Do they make jokes that are digs in disguise? Do they undermine you, but not in a direct way? It may even look like they’re concerned: ‘Are you sure you can manage?’ They also tend to have a high degree of sarcasm, aimed at you. l Do they have long-term friendships and business relationships, or a history of short-lived ‘projects’? l Would you have them in your home? If not, you should not enter into a business relationship.

l Do they take ownership of their

mistakes, or do they always manage to pass the blame onto someone else? l Does the deal or relationship they are proposing seem fair, or onesided? If you feel it’s one-sided and you’ve aired this, does their response make you feel heard or patronised? l Do they do their fair share, or do they leave you to do the donkey work and take the credit? l Are they generous; of their time, money and effort? If the answer is no to any of these, I’d press ‘delete’. This isn’t a definitive list, but I think if you ask yourself these questions, the answers will give you clarity. Toxic relationships can put you off track for years; and not just financially, but emotionally. Often, it takes a while to figure out we’re in a toxic business relationship and sometimes it is too late to get out without winding down the partnership or company. That said, if you feel like this now, it’s best to get out and not stay on a dead-end road because of money, emotion or time invested. Moving forward is the key is to avoiding toxicity, so tune into that instinct, listen to it and avoid the negativity. Karma’s only a bitch if you are! Sháá Wasmund is author of ‘Stop Talking, Start Doing’ (John Wiley & Sons, £9.99). Join her Facebook group at shaa.com/freedom

l Free coaching with the inspirational Sháá Wasmund!

For regular live coaching sessions with Sháá, see psychologies. co.uk/Life-Leap-Club-New-Subscribers. It’s free to all subscribers.

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‘‘

Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new perspective on whatever is troubling you

I’m miserable and numb after being pushed into uni

‘‘

I know you feel lonely, but you are not alone in your struggle. Research last year [see below] found student reports of mental health issues have gone up fivefold in 10 years. Over a similar period, suicide has gone up 79 per cent in the student population. Parents need to know this. To put it into context: there is an increase in anxiety and depression nationwide; a higher proportion of people now go to uni; the financial cost of that is front of mind, and the job market is uncertain. On a personal

level, you’re under pressure to have fun, make friends and create a life. What you are describing – feeling sad, numb and cut off from the people you care about – are signs that ‘normal’ stress is tipping into the danger zone. In the worst case, you might turn to self-harm, which could be drugs, alcohol or risky sex, or have suicidal thoughts. You might believe you are a disappointment to others, and the world would be better off without you. These thoughts are not true, and the reason I am being so explicit is because it’s common to feel ashamed of having them, which makes

MARY FENWICK is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcee and widow GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with ‘MARY’ in the subject line FOLLOW MARY ON TWITTER @MJFenwick

it harder to tell someone and get help. Do not wait for things to get worse. This is an emergency. I am concerned when you describe being driven away from yourself. That is not what your parents want. Your university has a duty of care. A Cambridge academic friend says, ‘Support is part of what you pay fees for.’ Pick who feels accessible – a tutor, counsellor or GP. If those seem too hard, try Nightline, a listening service for students. Another option is the online community Big White Wall. Don’t stop until you’ve spoken to someone. How to talk to your parents can wait till you have support in place. ippr.org/research/publications/not-by-degrees; nightline.ac.uk; bigwhitewall.com

PHOTOGRAPH: VICTORIA BIRKINSHAW

I am 19 and have supportive parents, a wonderful boyfriend and, for the past four months, I’ve been studying at a prestigious university. I know I’m lucky, but I’m unhappy. I feel desensitised half the time and morbidly depressed the rest of it. My course is not what I want to do, rather it is something my parents want me to do. I feel I was not meant to go to uni, or at least I was supposed to know what I wanted to do in life before enrolling. But what is it? Where do I fit in? My parents are forcing me in a direction they think is best, one that’s driving me away from them, and myself. I want to drop out but I don’t know how to talk to my parents about it, nor what I would do if they allowed me to leave. Name supplied

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self

the life lab

“My job is great, but my manager is incompetent”

I’ve been in my current role as a temp for six months and I love the work – but my boss is a nightmare. He’s not supportive and doesn’t ask me how I’m doing. I complete some of his admin, which he refuses to take back as my role has become busier, and he is generally useless. Although I get support from others around me, it does bother me that he doesn’t care. How can I get over his lack of support and be OK with it? Especially as I intend to stay at the firm for a while. Name supplied

Your boss isn’t who you think – the temp agency is your boss. Have you talked to them about this? If you are doing a good job, then they are the ones likely to have an interest in making you happy. It’s possible this man has trouble keeping permanent assistants, and that’s why his bosses hired a temp. You’d like to stay longer, and perhaps the firm would like to keep you (usually we perform well at jobs we love). The agency is in a position to balance that equation. It sounds as if a review of the job description is overdue. It will also help

everyone get clarity about what kind of work you enjoy, and the environment that helps you to be most productive. It might be that the agency speaks to their contact and points out that if you leave, there’s going to be disruption, and new fees to pay. Perhaps there’s another role in the same firm, or a similar one elsewhere. You have more power than you realise: a temp is there because a firm needs support; and the agency wants high performers to uphold their reputation. For more, visit the Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service (ACAS) at acas.org.uk

“Supporting my friend is a bitter pill because I’m conflicted”

I feel bad about letting down a friend. I used to be in a band, and she would always come along and support us at gigs, and sang with us a few times as she has a lovely voice. Last year, a few of us left the group as it was so disorganised and lacked direction, and I grew to dislike some of the band members. I thought the whole thing would go away, then those who remained reformed with a new but similar line-up – and my friend joined them as lead vocalist. I’m now in another band, which I love. My friend comes to support my new band, but I can’t stand the thought that she’s joined the other group, knowing them as I do, and I find every excuse not to go and support them or talk to her about her experiences with them. I feel as if I’m failing her but the feeling of not wanting to support the others is strong and I can’t see a way past it. What can I do? Name supplied

I had to reread your letter a few times to untangle the threads, and I wonder if that is the issue – the threads of different stories have become woven together. One story is the band; in my head, I call them The Ex. That story is over as far as you’re concerned. The singer – I’m calling her Adele – and you still have a story together. You can’t dictate her story, and The Ex can’t dictate yours. This is my suggestion of a simpler narrative: ‘I love and admire Adele so much that I’ll support whatever she does. If I turn up, it gives me a chance to see how The Ex are treating her, and make sure she doesn’t get sucked into a toxic situation like I was.’ There’s an exercise called Best Possible Future that might help. For two weeks, spend 15 minutes every day writing about your best possible future. Be as creative as you like – not only is your band a massive success, but your

relationships, hobbies and health are tip-top, too. Research shows that this way of thinking can help you get clarity about your priorities, and also increase your sense of control by highlighting what you need to do to achieve your dreams. To put it even more simply – success is the best revenge. ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/best_possible_self

Be part of our tribe Join the Life Leap Club and receive free coaching from our experts. All you have to do is subscribe to access free coaching videos, inspirational resources and masterclasses. Go to psychologies.co.uk/LifeLeap-Club-New-Subscribers. Watch Mary’s coaching sessions live every Tuesday at 1pm.

IS FREE TO ALL SUBSCRIBERS. LEAP INTO A BETTER LIFE AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 41

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Book now!

Join us for some inspiring

Psychologies events!

In partnership with NOW Live Events, get digitally aware with Laura Willis, start afresh with Suzy Walker and Jana Stefanovska-Nightingale, and be true to you with Magdalena Bak-Maier

How to have a healthy relationship with your smartphone DATE: 12 September 2018 VENUE: Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion Square, London WC1R 4RL TIME: 7pm-8.30pm COST: £18 AS THE WORLD starts to wake up to the negative impact our 24-7 connected culture is having on us, join Laura Willis from Shine Offline, who will share her journey from digital overload to breakdown and on to recovery. Laura will explore the latest research and help us understand the role our devices are playing in our lives. She’ll show us how to make positive changes to our relationship with tech, without ditching our phones and becoming hermits.

YOU WILL LEARN: ● How to improve

management of digital distractions and enhance your wellbeing ● Practical tools that can be

implemented immediately to get your balance back ● How to set goals and explore solutions that will work for you

Laura Willis is founder of Shine Offline, which works to empower businesses to understand the importance of a healthy and sustainable relationship with digital technology. They deliver learning sessions to organisations throughout the UK. Join us! See nowliveevents.org/events

SEPTEMBER ONE-DAY IMMERSION

Make a fresh start: how to step into a bright new future DATE: 30 September 2018 VENUE: 42 Acres Shoreditch, 66 Leonard Street, London EC2A 4LW TIME: 10am-5pm COST: £105 (early bird) or £125 DO YOU LONG for a fresh start in life, but have no idea where to begin? Do you have ideas about moving forward that are permanently in your thoughts? Suzy Walker and Jana StefanovskaNightingale invite you to embrace a new beginning for yourself. This one-day workshop will help you take that next creative step in your life, by focusing on what you need to let go of in order to move forward, and using your heart-centred vision to get super clear on where you want to go next. The day will include writing, small-group work, simple meditation exercises and other creative activities.

42 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

YOU WILL LEARN: ● How to begin

● How to create a

with a heartcentred vision ● How to let go of unwanted baggage

map of where you want to go ● How to keep on going when the going gets tough

Suzy Walker is Editor-in-Chief of ‘Psychologies’, a career coach and author of ‘Making The Big Leap’ (IMM Lifestyle Books, £8.99) and ‘The Big Peace’ (Hay House, £8.99) Jana Stefanovska-Nightingale is founder of NOW Live Events, producing self-development projects with ‘Psychologies’. Jana is a speaker, mental health/wellbeing trainer, mindfulness teacher and psychosynthesis counsellor. Join us! See nowliveevents.org/immersions

Plus! Last chance

to secure a place

AUGUST WORKSHOP

Aligning heart and mind to heal and thrive DATE: 22 August 2018 VENUE: Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion Square, London WC1R 4RL TIME: 7pm-8.30pm COST: £18 IRRESPECTIVE OF PROFESSION, age, culture or sexuality, the journey towards embracing who we really are can be the hardest process in life, and it never ends. For over a decade, Magdalena Bak-Maier has been developing, and experimenting with, how to connect heart and mind, body and spirit for personal empowerment. This process creates lasting transformation, behaviour change and even healing. Her techniques are easy to learn and implement. YOU WILL LEARN: ● To choose differently in the moment ● Ways to align heart and mind for best results ● How to stop procrastinating ● Tools to turn setbacks and hurt into vital helpers Magdalena Bak-Maier is a

pioneer of integrative coaching and therapy. She shows us how to operate with more ‘heart’, to better connect with others and ourselves. See her DaVinci Programme at maketimecount. com/davinci. Join us! See nowliveevents.org/events

PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

SEPTEMBER WORKSHOP

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events

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“I can’t trust my partner” Our award-winning coach, Kim Morgan, advises a man whose betrayal by a teenage girlfriend causes him to doubt his adult relationship ILLUSTR ATION ANDREA DE SANTIS

Before committing to coaching, Matthew* interrogated me about my credentials. He wanted to be certain I was qualified and asked to see my certificates and qualifications. Despite my assurances, he was reluctant to trust me. When he eventually agreed to work with me, I was not surprised to learn what he wanted to explore: ‘I’ve finally met a woman I want to marry, but I have doubts about her love and commitment to me. It’s driving me crazy because I don’t know if I’m thinking straight.’ Matthew looked at me in desperation: ‘Can you help me, please? I really want the relationship to work.’ Whatever happens in the coaching relationship can often be a mirror for what is going on elsewhere in the client’s life. I mentioned that Matthew had questioned

whether he could trust me, too, and I wondered whether this was a pattern for him. ‘What has happened to you in the past to cause this lack of trust?’ I asked him. I learned that Matthew’s childhood sweetheart had cheated on him with his best friend, when they were all 16. It had been a double betrayal. Matthew had been so upset that he had messed up his GCSEs. He was left hurt, angry, belittled, vulnerable and feeling a failure. When major events happen at an impressionable time in our lives, we can form powerful beliefs that influence our thoughts and behaviour from that point onwards. For homework, I asked Matthew to write down the beliefs he holds about himself, other people or the world in general, which developed because of that incident.

NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED

“I’ve met the woman I want to marry, but I’m suspicious of her love for me”

Session one

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Session two

“You have to give trust to get it”

Matthew produced a spreadsheet of his beliefs: ‘People aren’t always what they seem to be; people cannot be trusted; it’s best to suspect the worst to protect yourself.’ I asked him what behaviour arose from these beliefs and he winced. He admitted he checks his girlfriend’s phone and that he’s encouraged her to stop seeing friends he thinks are ‘a bad influence’ on her. He admitted he was suspicious and jealous, ‘particularly when she talks about the men she works with’. ‘I’m always testing her and trying to catch her out,’ he said. He wants to know ‘everything she is doing’ and, if he doesn’t know where she is, he cannot relax. ‘How is that working out for you?’ I asked, knowing the answer. He flung his arms up in the air in despair. He could see his behaviour was pushing her away – his worst fear – and admitted that when she withdraws, he becomes insecure and needy, but he did not know how to stop the vicious cycle. I said: ‘You have to give trust to get trust. There are no guarantees in relationships, but what you are currently doing is the closest thing to a guarantee that the relationship won’t last. Mistrust can bring the end of even the healthiest relationships.’

“

Mistrust can bring the end of even the healthiest relationships Leaving the past in the past

Further sessions Matthew continued his coaching sessions for

several months. He spent time acknowledging his hurt and accepting that his current partner was not the one who’d cheated on him. He also identified triggers, or ‘signals’, from his partner that caused him to be mistrustful of her. He learned to have more open, honest conversations with her, and he changed his language so that he used more questions and fewer accusations. Matthew also realised that, over time, he had stopped pursuing his own interests and had put all his eggs in one ‘relationship basket’. He started playing five-a-side football each week and picked up his guitar again, and his self-esteem improved as a result. He had other things to think about besides his relationship. There was no quick fix for this. It took courage and commitment from Matthew to take the risk of trusting his girlfriend but, as he said at his last coaching session: ‘I get it now – there is no guarantee that anyone will stay with me forever, but I am giving myself a better chance of it working by trusting myself and her. I like myself better now, too!’

Coaching exercises

coaching

the life lab

OVERCOMING TRUST ISSUES Here are six steps to help you change your relationship with trust in your romantic partnership: ● Understand your history of mistrust and your repeated patterns. Your partner is probably not the person who hurt you, so stop punishing them for something they did not do. Ideally, work with a coach or a therapist on this – it is difficult work to do alone. ● Stop monitoring your partner straight away – it is not achieving anything positive for either of you. ● Spend more time with friends and, if you dare, share your anxieties with them and ask for their input. ● Communicate your fears to your partner honestly. ● Ask yourself: ‘Where is my current behaviour leading me?’ (Probably to what you fear the most.) ● Build your self-esteem. Make a list of your strengths and achievements. Do new things that require you to trust others, like abseiling, horse riding or team sports. ACCOUNTABLE TO LOVE Open a ‘relationship bank account’ with your partner. With an actual bank account, you are keeping something valuable safe. You keep the account in balance; sometimes you make deposits and sometimes you make withdrawals. You try not to go overdrawn, although you have a small overdraft limit. A relationship bank account works the same way. Decide what deposits you each need to make to keep your ‘investment’ safe. Deposits might be things like: ● Acts of kindness ● Showing trust ● Demonstrating loyalty to one another ● Being forgiving, and apologising if you make a mistake ● Noticing your partner (and letting them know you have) ● Being honest ● Listening without distraction or interruption You may each need different things to help you feel safe, so ask each other: ‘What do you need from me to feel loved and valued?’ Make sure you give them what they need, not what you want to give. Check your balance from time to time and see if you need to make a deposit. COACHING QUESTION ‘How different would my life be if I could trust myself and those around me? What things would I be doing that I am not doing now if I trusted more?’ For more from Kim, see barefootcoaching.co.uk; @BarefootCoaches

EXPERTS WHEN YOU SUBSCRIBE. SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS

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relationships

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Dearly not departed Why do we find it so hard to tell our friends and family how wonderful we think they are, until it’s too late? Lizzie Enfield set out to change that >>>

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nce, I invited my friends to a birthday lunch with the message: ‘No presents please,’ and added, ‘but you can all say one nice thing about me!’ Needy, I know! But, there is a tendency for people to feel they must do something on a birthday, and I didn’t want them to feel obliged to buy a gift. I thought the compliment idea was a great alternative – but, towards the end of the meal, no one had volunteered anything. I nudged them and, in return, received awkward and anxious looks. A few friends stared hard at their plates. A couple volunteered a few ‘warm, witty and wises’… I turned to one of my oldest friends. She would not fail me. She would have something nice to say, surely? ‘But I brought a present,’ she said. It might sound arrogant, but I do actually think that one or two of my friends think well of me privately. So, why did asking them to articulate it prove too much? Is it just that we find it uncomfortable? Are we so repressed?

Coma revelations

The sad truth is that we often reserve our most heartfelt thoughts and feelings for when our loved ones are no longer with us. A few years ago, someone I know had a stroke and went into a coma. While he was unconscious, his partner received numerous letters – eulogies really – from friends and family, saying what a wonderful man he was. Three months later, he was out of the coma, chuckling as he read his ‘obituaries’, touched by the nice things that people had said about him while thinking he was going to die – things they would probably not have said had they known otherwise. Why don’t we say the things we feel; things that might make a big difference to the way people feel about themselves? Why is it only lovers in the early stages of new relationships who dare to articulate their innermost thoughts and feelings about another person? I am as guilty as anyone. Before my aunt died, I visited

that “weExpressing appreciate someone takes courage and vulnerability. One can’t predict their response

“

>>>

her in a hospice during her final hours. It was my chance to tell her what she meant to me – but I never found the right words, saving them instead for a newspaper article I wrote about her later, one she would never see. Thinking about this, I decide to redress the balance – to let the people still with me know why I appreciate them; to make my reticent loved ones realise how much I value them. I start, tentatively, with my mother. She’s in her late 80s but still spry, albeit rather deaf. We’re not the kind of family who shout their feelings at each other but, over lunch at her house, I take her practically ordering me to have the last slice of apple pie as my cue: ‘You’re selfless Mum,’ I say, as she loads my plate. ‘I don’t just mean the pie; you’ve always put us and your grandchildren before yourself.’ ‘What?’ Mum retorts, but flushing in a way that makes me think she has heard me. Then she deflects my comment with a brusquely barked: ‘Do you want custard?’ Her reaction is typical, says Christopher Littlefield, founder of American company Acknowledgement Works. In a study, he found that, while people generally feel valued if they are formally recognised in some way, they also feel embarrassment and discomfort. To counter that, we tend to divert acknowledgements and compliments by downplaying them, or through humour or passing the credit onto another person. ‘Acknowledgement is intimate, and we’re uncomfortable with intimacy,’ says Littlefield. ‘What people don’t realise is that recognition is more about the giver than the receiver. It’s the

48 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

giver sharing the difference someone has made to their lives. Expressing that we appreciate someone takes courage and vulnerability. One can’t predict their response, and we’re concerned about putting awkwardness into the relationship for which are expressing appreciation.’

Groundwork for praise

Littlefield suggests making the reason for suddenly telling someone you value them clear, announcing why you are gushing so they do not become suspicious about your motives. It seems sound advice and I try it with two of my friends on a walk though our local woods. ‘I wrote to the daughter of a friend who died recently,’ I say, ‘telling her what her mother had meant to me. She wrote back saying how much her mum would have liked to have known.’ There’s an awkward pause but I carry on… ‘The wonderful thing about having you as friends,’ I say, ‘is that you both have an innate ability to find the joy in life, no matter how difficult it is, and you make my life more joyful because of it.’ One nods

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relationships

Tips for sharing loving feelings

Easy steps to make a living tribute to someone special l Think about what you want to say and explain why you have decided to say it. Unfortunately, people are often suspicious of others’ motives. l Explain the impact that one of their qualities has had on

you and your life. Let them see that something about them has a positive effect on others’ lives. l Try to say something in person, or in a handwritten

message, which is more likely to be kept. l Make it clear that it’s not

necessary for them to respond or reciprocate.

“

People are privileged to have insights into how others think of them; to hear sentiments that might have been reserved for their funeral

PHOTOGRAPHS: STUDIO FIRMA/STOCKSY

“

but says nothing. I’ve clearly embarrassed her. The other is surprised but gracious. ‘Oh,’ she says, ‘that’s nice to know!’ The exchange makes me wonder if there is a better way. I trawl the internet and discover a company called Vitae Magnum, which makes filmed biographies of living people. These are ordinary people and films are commissioned by friends or family, who are interviewed, along with colleagues, resulting in what is, in effect, a living eulogy. ‘People feel privileged to have insights into how others think of them; to hear words and

sentiments that might have been reserved for their funeral,’ says Huw Williams, one of the firm’s founders. ‘Family, friends and colleagues welcome the chance to say things, through interviewers, without the embarrassment of talking directly to the person concerned.’

Say it with meaning

I wonder if I should commission one for my parents – with subtitles so they can read it! I think about this while watching psychologist Martin Seligman’s TED Talk, The New Era Of Positive Psychology, in which he discusses the positive impact of ‘gratitude visits’ – where people are encouraged to think of someone who did something that changed their lives in a good way, and to thank them for it. ‘What happens it that, when we test people later, they’re both happier and less depressed,’ says Seligman. That’s a positive impact on everyone. I’ll try it! I think of my former boss, a news editor, whose policy of positive daily feedback played a big part in making me

feel more confident as a young reporter. Even if I’d had a dreadful day at work, he always found something encouraging to say. He’s a big fish in a major organisation now, probably too busy to reply to the email I send, telling him that his early support was pivotal in my career. ‘That means a lot,’ came his almost instant reply. ‘I went into journalism wanting to make a real difference and have never really felt as if I have, but if I had an impact on you, then I’m happy!’ It’s a start. I’m obviously not going to change the world with my new policy of telling people what they mean to me but, if it affects them in a good way, that’s the point, really. Knowing that those around us appreciate us makes a difference, while efforts unnoticed can turn into resentments. It’s about paying close attention and passing it on. It’s all very well not speaking ill of the dead, but better still to speak well of the living. ‘Ivy And Abe’ by Elizabeth Enfield (Penguin, £12.99) is out now; acknowledgmentworks.com; vitaemagnum.com; ted.com/talks/martin_ seligman_on_the_state_of_psychology

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orgasmic life

Judgement and jealousy

On her journey to sexual fulfilment, Karla Newbey discovers that shame and disapproval can come from unexpected quarters

he sun is shining, there’s a bottle of chilled wine on the table and we’re ordering tapas. I’m with a bunch of girlfriends; friends I’ve known for 20 years and with whom I’ve shared everything, from problems in my marriage, to bringing up my children, to the student parties of my youth. Busy lives mean we rarely get together now, but still, we have no secrets from each other. A little fragile from sharing the story of my recent infatuation, I reapply red lipstick and adjust my dress. The waiter smiles at me and I smile back. It sounds like a simple exchange, but yes, I am flirting… Flirting used to be a mystery to me, but now I’m embracing my sexual energy. I’ve gained confidence and it’s something I’m learning to enjoy. He fetches us more ice, pours our wine, hovers attentively, and I giggle.

ILLUSTRATION: JESSICA DURRANT/GETTY IMAGES

Humiliation with a smile

‘He’s only doing that because he’s expecting a blow job,’ remarks one of my friends, laughing and passing the comment off as a joke. Heat flushes from my stomach to my face and I feel shocked. ‘Well, you are wearing a “fuck-me” dress,’ says another friend. Instantly, my fleeting confidence turns to shame and embarrassment and I am squirming in my seat. Yes, my dress is fitted, it shows a bit of cleavage, it’s not my usual style, and the bright red lipstick is revolutionary, but this morning I felt great. My phone pings. ‘Is that Tinder? Don’t pick it up!’ (An order.) ‘Is it another one of those young guys? You know you want a proper relationship really.’ The

onslaught begins, voices are raised and it becomes clear my friends have discussed me prior to our meeting. This isn’t a friendly catch-up, it’s an intervention. No one asks me what I’m actually doing and why, but they tell me I’m wrong: it’s not safe, it’s not what I truly want, I’m too old, I’m obsessed. The shared judgements tumble out. I am not behaving as I have always done and apparently that is not OK. What for me is one of the most liberating and healing journeys of my life, for them looks like a crisis. They are aghast at the smallest elements of my tantra experience. I shake as tears run down my face, not just for the shame that has been heaped upon me, but for what I now feel will be a parting of ways. When we make a change, we expect our nearest and dearest to be happy for us, but that’s not always the case. Rather than celebrating my freedom, my friends seemed threatened by it. Women are expected to lose vibrancy with age. Perhaps if we all give up on sex together, resigning ourselves to sexless marriages or a single life, it’s more tolerable. But, when someone steps out of the pattern, it presses people’s buttons. Luckily, I had the support of my tantra women’s group, reminding me that this was more to do with my friends’ choices than mine. Yet, I couldn’t shake the shame. What they had said resonated with some deep-seated beliefs that I held about my sexuality. Finally, it was time for me to dig further and address the real source of my shame.

Karla Newbey is attending the women’s and mixed tantra programme with shaktitantra.co.uk. For more on Karla’s journey, visit yabyum.co.uk and follow her on Twitter @karla_newbey

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New series

Addicted to sex?

In our new column and podcast series, Professor Sarah Niblock, CEO of the UKCP, explores real-life challenges that affect all our lives and how therapy can help. This month, we put the spotlight on sex addiction

rica Garza’s favourite porn scene of all time involves 50 men, two women, a warehouse, a hairdryer and a taxi. As if that weren’t mind-boggling enough, she says that whatever that conjures in our head, it won’t be as stomach-churning as the reality. Garza, author of Getting Off: One Woman’s Journey Through Sex And Porn Addiction (Simon & Schuster, £18.99), explores the cultural taboos and stigma surrounding compulsive behaviour, particularly for women. In a cycle that lasted 20 years, Garza started by viewing ‘mild porn’ but soon felt compelled towards more explicit and extreme material. The accompanying feelings of self-disgust only served to lead her into distracting herself temporarily from her shame with reckless, unprotected random sexual encounters.

Obsession or addiction?

Sex addiction is a contentious term clinically and culturally. The World Health Organisation recognises compulsive sexual behaviour as a mental health condition. There are arguments among professionals about whether an obsession with sex can be classed as an addiction. Whatever, it can have a devastating impact on your life, as well as the lives of those who care about you or depend on you. The many high-profile men who have recently lined up to try to explain away abusive actions by claiming to be an addict is but one part of a continuing emotive debate. UKCP

52 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

therapists report the vast majority of clients with sex addiction issues are men, possibly due to the stigma attached to women’s experiences. The narrative about addiction and sex in general is that men want sex more than women, so that when a woman feels like she is deviating from that norm, she feels deeply ashamed. It’s important to understand that there’s a significant difference between sex addiction and having a high sex drive or enjoying frequent sex. UKCP therapists don’t moralise about what is appropriate behaviour, just how it affects you and those around you. As Garza’s and countless other people’s painful testimonies show, if you’ve been struggling, your actions are not motivated by pleasure, but by ceaseless compulsion. Sex doesn’t bring joy, it brings guilt and pain. Just ask yourself this: is porn or sex getting in the way of work or study? Do you find yourself prioritising watching porn or pursuing sex over other important life commitments? Is it causing problems at work, financial difficulty, or damaging relationships? If so, you would do well to explore the underlying causes with a UKCP-accredited psychotherapist. The specific ways that sex addiction can affect lives varies depending on your circumstances. Author and comedian Russell Brand recently explained how, within his prolific and well-charted sexual behaviour, as described by tabloid newspapers, lay ‘a seam of loneliness’. He said: ‘Anything that’s got an orgasm at the end of it… there’s a degree of

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in partnership with UKCP

ASK THE EXPERT…

This month, UKCP therapist and director of PhocusLife, Rodney Collins, advises us on the subject of sex addiction

What’s the difference between loving sex and being a sex addict? Loving sex implies pleasurable sexual experiences. Sex addicts don’t receive pleasure from sexual behaviour. Instead, the sex is used to ward off negative symptoms, such as anxiety, stress, insomnia, headaches and more, that occur in the absence of problematic sex. Feelings of shame and inadequacy follow sex for addicts, as they lack control over critical aspects of their sexual behaviour – when, where, why, what and with whom.

pleasure to be had. But it takes a while to recognise the cost: the emotional cost on me; the spiritual cost on other people.’ He said it prevented him from ‘becoming whole, from becoming a man, from becoming connected’.

PHOTOGRAPH: PÅL HANSEN. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: CARL STANLEY

You are not alone

The effects can be life-changing. UKCP psychotherapists say clients come to them on the brink of losing their jobs and even facing criminal charges as a result of exhibitionist behaviour. While these and other effects can be devastating, you’re not alone and support is readily available through UKCP’s regulated, accredited experts. Therapy will help you identify, address and develop strategies to overcome the negative thought patterns that have prompted you to engage in compulsive sexual behaviour. You’ll learn how to protect yourself from danger, avoid future harm and have the opportunity to begin healing from any past damage – and not only for you, but for those around you. UKCP therapists frequently work with couples and families, as loved ones can be traumatised by the revelation that someone they trust and rely upon is engaged in risky behaviour. Sex addiction can be overcome. With effective help, you can regain control over your thoughts and actions and live the healthy and satisfying life that you deserve.

Where can you get help if you believe that your partner is a sex addict? Psychotherapists with

training and/or experience in treating sex addiction are also capable of helping the partners of sex addicts. Psycho-education, emotional support and assistance with communicating with sexually addicted partners are potential benefits of a partner’s psychotherapy.

Is it possible to completely heal from sex addiction? Sex addiction is a very complex process with biological, psychological and social elements. The focus of treatment is to help the addict re-establish control over his or her life, so that they can make better decisions. To find out more about PhocusLife, see phocuslife.com

LISTEN TO THE TALKING THERAPIES PODCAST

Let’s talk about sexual addiction

To listen to the podcast with chair of UKCP Martin Pollecoff and Rodney Collins, see psychologies.co.uk/ ukcp-and-psychologies-podcast-series

About the UKCP and how to find a therapist ● The UKCP Alongside professional support for our members, we are the leading research, innovation, educational and regulatory body working to advance psychotherapies for the benefit of all. Our membership includes more than 8,000 therapists and 70 training and accrediting organisations. Members work privately, in public health or third-sector organisations, offering a range of approaches for couples, individuals, families and groups.

● To find the right therapist,

log on to psychologies.co.uk/ find-a-therapist and look at our Life Labs Channel of experts who may be able to help, or visit psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist to locate a therapist near you.

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now

More inspiration!

with ‘Psychologies’ radio & TV Join our special life plan reboot! Watch Facebook Live sessions with top experts, listen to podcasts and, for life-changing coaching, sign up to our Life Leap Club, free to all subscribers. Plus, survive and thrive this summer with mindful coaching

Facebook Live 6/13/27 August & 3 September at 11am:

●

Monday Motivator with Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker.

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Podcasts LIFE LEAP PODCASTS ●

Released on 7 August: Life coach

Pete Cohen talks to Ali Roff about how to back up intentions with action, and provides some of the most powerful coaching questions to help you change your life.

Released on 7 August: Amber Rae speaks to Ali Roff about how to choose wonder over worry to help us move past our fears and reach our bigger goals.

●

Released on 7 August: Suzy Walker, Editor-in-Chief of Psychologies, in conversation with Kim Morgan about how to have the best holiday ever by changing your life from your sunlounger.

●

UKCP TALKING THERAPIES PODCAST

Released on 7 August: How to deal with sex addiction: Martin Pollecoff, chair of

PHOTOGRAPH: STOCKSY

●

the UKCP, talks to psychotherapist Rodney Collins, director of PhocusLife, about sex addiction. Is porn or sex a problem in your life? If so, consider exploring the underlying causes with a UKCP-accredited therapist. This podcast helps you understand more about what is driving your behaviour, and how to get help. psychologies.co.uk/ukcp-andpsychologies-podcast-series

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16 August at 1pm: Clown-

in-residence Emma Stroud on how to realign your goals around having fun.

7/14 August at 1pm & 21/28 August at 7pm:

●

Mary Fenwick, our agony aunt, answers your most pressing questions live. ●

8 August at 1pm:

Suzy Walker asks Queen of Retreats Caroline Sylger Jones how to find the right mindful retreat for you. ●

8 August at 7pm:

Tiu de Haan on how to create a ceremony around your vision for the future.

11 August at 1pm: Top coach Salma Shah on aligning your life goals around your authentic self.

●

15/29 August at 1pm:

Respected coach Pete Cohen reveals how to make sure you stay on track when creating the life you truly want. ●

21 August at 1pm:

Sháá Wasmund, our entrepreneur columnist, on how to rid yourself of life’s backstabbers. ● 22 August at 7pm: Suzy Walker chats to Psychologies life-coaching columnist Kim Morgan about how to build trust in relationships. ●

4 September at 1pm:

David Hamilton on using the healing power of kindness to ‘super boost’ your vision.

SURVIVE (AND THRIVE) THIS HOLIDAY Laura Earnshaw from myHappyMind focuses on mindful ways to get through the summer. ●

6 August at 9am:

‘When my child has a meltdown, I don’t know what to do to help’ ●

13 August at 9am:

‘Can you hear me?’ The importance of active listening ● 20 August at 9am: ‘I wish that my children would

show more gratitude’

27 August at 9am: ‘My bored kids need a challenge’ ●

Join ex-deputy head teacher, coach and writer Ruth Kudzi for essential school-year tools. ● 14 August at 1pm: Five questions to ask when you’re anxious about school ● 28 August at 1pm: Five ways for kids to build resilience

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diary

l Reboot your

life plan! See our Dossier on page 64

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self

Sweet freedom Ellen Tout was put out that her attempts to help and guide those closest to her were rebuffed, until she learned more about what it means to be free

Gabriela Lerner, who talks about freedom, and how by valuing it in ourselves and others, we can be happier. What Lerner means by freedom is our freedom to choose – to be and act as we wish without judgement – and honouring the freedom of others to do the same. ‘If you immerse yourself in the idea of freedom and use it in your daily life, you will find it gives you tremendous power, independence, strength and peace of mind,’ she says.

‘I love you, now do as I say’

The concept of freedom is particularly important in our close relationships, she says. ‘Long-lasting, healthy and happy relationships rely on it.’ This brings me up short; I believe I respect the freedom of others but, in situations like the one with my sister, is it possible my desire to help could be interpreted as overbearing or even controlling? Although my sister and I are close, we often argue. I decide to spend time observing my behaviour around her, as well as with friends and my partner, and try holding back when I think I might be encroaching on their freedom.

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Lerner explains that there are common situations in which we might believe we’re helping, but actually we’re limiting the person’s freedom: a kind of affectionate control. She gives me some examples: ‘When you acknowledge and value that your partner is free to leave their socks on the floor, you can negotiate over it without resentment, anger or judgement.’ Try to think about what has motivated your partner to leave the socks. Are they tired? Is your anger reflecting more about you than them? Perhaps if you wait, and ask about their day, they’ll tidy up in their own time. If you choose to discuss it, do so from a place of respecting their freedom, rather than judgement. ‘To be free, we must consciously choose to value freedom above being right, and to let go of judgement.’ She gives another example: ‘When you acknowledge and value that your parents are free to do what they want with their money, it’s easier to feel less resentment when you watch your inheritance dwindle.’ Although my sister is an adult, I still feel a level of responsibility for her, and I realise this may be curtailing our >>> ILLUSTRATION: GETTY IMAGES

ast year, I decided to go vegan. I made the choice for ethical reasons but, after learning about the potential health benefits, I was excited to share them with my younger sister. Since childhood, she’s suffered from low immunity, so discovering how certain foods can help, I eagerly made notes and explained it to her. She rolled her eyes, changed the subject and dismissed the whole idea – she’s often like this when I try to help her. I felt frustrated and overlooked. Later that week, a colleague told me I should eat dairy otherwise I’d make myself ill. I felt shocked and judged, even though she was not the first person to react this way. Since making the change, people often take it upon themselves to question my health and nutrition. But the incident made me think. Was it actually any different from how I treated my sister? If I want to be free to eat and do what’s right for me, then isn’t it true that I, equally, don’t have the right to tell others, even those I care about, what to do? Recently, I met speaker and coach

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self

>>> relationship. We arrange to walk my dog

together at the weekend, but my sister tells me she doesn’t know what time, as she wants a lie-in. I feel annoyed and want to tell her to get out of bed and make the most of the sunshine – but I don’t. It feels odd at first, but I bite my tongue and remember that she’s free to spend her weekend as she wishes and, equally, I’m free to go for a walk by myself, to wait for her or to make other plans. I feel much calmer knowing that I’m actively making a choice and also avoiding an argument. More realisations follow. I’m a natural worrier and often find myself saying to people: ‘Don’t drive too fast!’ or ‘Remember to switch off the gas.’ I’ve told myself this is my way of making sure the people I care about are safe but, actually, by mentally taking responsibility for stuff, I’m disempowering the other person and burdening myself. These seem like small things but can set an unbalanced tone with a lack of freedom or respect in a relationship. I also realise this has become a habit I barely think about. ‘How many times a day do you find fault in another person – what they are doing or how they are doing it?’ asks Lerner. ‘How can we possibly know what motivates another person to do what they do? By judging them, we presume we know better. By letting go of judgement, we acknowledge their freedom and, simultaneously, we free ourselves.’

A little goes a long way

I’m nine months into a new relationship and I realise the way I interact with my sister is echoed in other connections. In my previous relationship, I was the ‘responsible one’ with my ex getting annoyed by what she interpreted as nagging, which I saw as caring. I want to actively set a tone of freedom and respect in my relationship, so I’m consciously aware of it when we’re together. ‘When you both respect freedom in each other, you realise you don’t lose anything, but gain a lot. By behaving in a way that restricts another’s freedom,

Let go of control, worry less

Free yourself, and others, by addressing these questions l Do I value the freedom of choice of (insert person’s name) more than I like or dislike what they are doing? l Would I rather (insert person’s

name) changed who they are, or that they are free to be who they are? l What in their action triggers fear, anger, upset or resentment in me? l What is it reflecting in me? l What am I contributing to the situation that makes their behaviour an issue for me?

we restrict our own.’ I find this easier with small things, like not moaning if my girlfriend forgets to put the milk in the fridge. But, when she tells me she’s going to a rave with her friends, I feel awkward and realise I don’t want her to go. Being more of an evening-on-the-sofa person, I worry about the potentially unsafe environment of a rave, and my mind skips to what could go wrong. But I remind myself of Lerner’s words. Although I dislike the idea, I see it’s not my place to make the decision, and I’d hate for her to tell me where I can and can’t go. As Lerner reminds me, my thinking is based on my own judgements and concerns; I cannot know what motivates another person’s decisions. My reaction doesn’t make me feel good: it feels possessive and that’s not who I want to be. Lerner encourages me to look inwardly. ‘What we judge in another is often what we reject in ourselves. We are afraid to be seen that way and, as an act of protection, we reject and judge it in another,’ she says. I notice, too, that my own anxiety underpins these situations. But, actually, when I consciously remind myself of the other person’s freedom, I feel lighter and freer, too. ‘When we value and respect a person’s freedom, more than we like or dislike what they are choosing, we reduce

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our suffering,’ agrees Lerner. She talks me through some exercises to get into this frame of mind. ‘Think of a person close to you with whom you have issues. Be honest and make a list of the things that bother you about them.’ A friend’s partner comes to mind. We don’t have much in common and it’s creating distance between her and me. ‘Look at the list and ask: “Are they free to be or do the things you’ve listed?”’

Making the switch

It’s not easy, but I know it’s my friend’s choice to stay in her relationship, and her boyfriend is free to behave as he sees fit. By retraining my feelings of dislike, I remind myself I’d rather keep the friendship than foster a negative outlook. I’m also free to spend less time with them. ‘Notice when you’re not acting from a place of freedom and change it, in that moment,’ says Lerner. ‘There’s free choice in every moment and in everything we do, and you can change your thoughts.’ She explains that living mindfully helps this become more natural. ‘When you’re in the present moment, freedom comes easily because you’re not getting it muddled up with worries about the past and concerns about the future.’ Practising this, I see how it relates to different areas of my life: an annoying neighbour, a difficult relative, or the way I judge myself. Letting go of worry about others’ behaviour gives me a clearer head and I feel liberated. When I catch myself judging someone, I remind myself of our shared freedom, and to value their decisions as I’d like them to value mine. Lerner emphasises that valuing our own freedom is paramount. ‘When we value our individual freedom, more than we value what people think of us or how we think we should be in the world, we can act from that place of freedom.’ It’s like an invisible weight has been lifted. The more I value others’ freedom, the more I notice and love those close to me for appreciating my freedom, too. For more, visit gabrielalerner.com and see @gabrielalerner on Facebook

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in partnership with Ollie School

Join Ollie’s army!

Ever wanted to make a difference and train to become a coach? With the Ollie School, you could be changing lives before you know it

PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

espite the very best efforts of our education system, it is struggling to cope with fully supporting the emotional wellbeing of our children within the curriculum. Ever felt that you would love to help, but were powerless to act? Well, here’s your opportunity to do something positive. The Ollie School has opened its doors, with plans to build an army of coaches who can make the world a better place, one child at a time. Ollie Coaching is an holistic approach that leads all our youngsters to a place where they can thrive in the chaos of modern living. So many schools are battling to provide an appropriate mental health environment, and busy parents are up against it in our fast-paced lives ruled by social media. That’s why Alison Knowles, who was challenged throughout her life

with undiagnosed dyslexia, decided to set up the Ollie School.

Transformational work

The Ollie methodology is all about empowering children to seek solutions and take control of their emotions, rather than be controlled by them. The Ollie School trains coaches in a blend of methodologies that brings together NLP, CBT, EFT and play therapy, to make sure they cover all bases. The Ollie methodology is all about personalisation and identifying which technique will work with each individual child – no one-size-fits-all approach here. The Ollie School graduates are awarded a certified qualification in NLP and a licence to work as an Ollie coach. If helping children and their families to be more emotionally resilient appeals to you, contact us for a prospectus and let’s talk about getting you with the programme.

Get in touch To train to become an Ollie coach, find a coach in your area or book an event, visit ollieandhissuperpowers. com, or contact us via email at info@ ollieandhissuperpowers. com. We would love to hear from you!

New dates added! Due to unprecedented demand, start dates for additional Ollie Coach courses in Birmingham, Manchester and London are available. See ollieandhissuperpowers.com S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 59

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o .g w

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events

Wise up with us! Psychologies is delighted to collaborate with Street Wisdom to create a weekend of global mindfulness. It’s powerful, simple and free – join us!

now!

he world is an increasingly confusing, worrying and fragmented place, running 24-7 at breakneck speed. We don’t know where we’re going, but we’re in a mad rush to get there. From 14-16 September, we’re inviting everyone to hit the pause button, step out of the noise, see the world differently and turn busy urban streets into a source of inspiration and insight. Last year, Street Wisdom ran its inaugural World Wide Wander in partnership with Psychologies. Over three days, we ran 36 events led by volunteer facilitators in 12 countries – teaching people how to use their environment to find clarity and answers to life’s questions – it’s the groundbreaking modern urban route to mindfulness! Founded by bestselling author, speaker and innovator David Pearl, Street Wisdom is a social enterprise that has become a global phenomenon, bringing life-changing results. Pearl is a creative and business advisor and mentor to high-profile CEOs and their teams, helping them perform to the highest professional levels. His work has been featured on the BBC, and in The Guardian and The Times. The World Wide Wander 2017 was a magical

PHOTOGRAPH: STOCKSY

Ways to get involved

Run your own event. Street

Wisdom provides all the tools you’ll need – and it’s a great opportunity to get your community together. Join in. Sign up to an event near you. See streetwisdom.org.

weekend – and this year we’re going bigger and bolder, joining up points of light across the globe, waving at each other, and helping people realise they are not alone.

One foot in front of the other

We’re staging ‘walkshops’, or walking workshops, using a combination of mindfulness, cognitive science and psychology to help people find enlightenment and wisdom in their everyday surroundings. In a three-hour guided session, you’ll learn the techniques to build Street Wisdom into your daily life, giving you the ability to find the answers you seek, whenever necessary, simply by stepping outside. Central to the practice is the idea that every moment is extraordinary, and every street is full of inspiration, we just need the tools to access them. Why take part? Not only does Street Wisdom help people reboot their minds, it’s an opportunity to meet like-minded, curious people. You’ll have a fun, unusual, memorable and enjoyable adventure, and you’ll be involved in a global social movement that is breaking down divides and strengthening cities across the world. streetwisdom.org

Download our Wandercast audio guide. It’s free [see website]

and means you can access Street Wisdom even if you can’t get to an event. Share the love. Upload a picture of your Street Wisdom experience

to our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter, using #WorldWideWander.

Partner up with us. Stage

a Street Wisdom event for your organisation. Contact rachel. crowther@streetwisdom.org for details.

S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 61

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The last word on…

Making friends as WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT to make friends as a grown-up? It’s not just a matter of potential social awkwardness: the whole of adult life is a conspiracy against the conditions in which friendship blossoms. As a child, you had endless hours in the playground, classroom and school holidays to make friends; later, if you were a student, you had spare time, plus access to the social lubricant alcohol. But, as an adult, you have varying combinations of job, partner and children – which means less free time, and also less patience for the trial-and-error process of forging new bonds. Even office friendships are in decline, probably because we change jobs more often,

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and 42 per cent of Brits say they don’t have a good friend at work. Fortunately, there are ways to smooth the path – but you’ll need to step out of your comfort zone and be brave.

Follow the ‘one step further’ rule. The basic

friend-making trick, says Kate Leaver in The Friendship Cure (Bloomsbury, £16.99) is to push yourself just slightly further than feels good. If you find yourself chatting to a neighbour over the fence, ask them in for tea; if you and a colleague make a vague plan to ‘have a drink sometime’, follow up with an email suggesting specifics. Don’t push if they’re evasive: they may be politely declining your friendship.

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psychology

an adult

Oliver Burkeman breaks down the barriers to finding new buddies

PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

Beware the comparison trap. You’ll make things

far harder if you succumb to the temptation of comparing potential new friends to those you’ve known since youth. It’s an obvious truth, but friendships deepen with time, so no new acquaintance will measure up to one with a lengthy head start, even if you’re destined to be close in future.

Join a choir. Age-old advice for meeting people is to

join an interest group, but not all groups are created equal. Studies, and my personal experience, show that choral singing is especially rewarding: you’re forced to be communal, unlike, say, a yoga class, but there’s no pressure

to make small talk. If you can’t bear the thought of singing, pick something else with a single collective focus, such as a volunteering project, book group or amateur sports team.

Revive a friendship. If you can’t face starting from scratch, reconnect with an old friend. Even if you don’t hit it off again, it’s a way to get invited to events where you’ll meet other potential friends. Psychologist Adam Grant cites research showing that when it comes to career networking, former friends are even more useful than current ones. Oliver Burkeman is author of ‘The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking’ (Canongate, £8.99)

S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 63

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Dossier

WHATEVER CHANGES YOU’RE PLOTTING, JOIN OUR LIFE LEAP CLUB – FREE TO SUBSCRIBERS! WE’LL BE BY YOUR SIDE 64 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

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Create a new vision for your life Summer is time to pause and reconsider your life’s path, instead of just reacting to what’s thrown at you in the daily grind. In this life-changing Dossier, we ask you to identify what’s working for you this year, and what isn’t – posing five killer coaching questions to bring the clarity you need to get back on track, or simply check your vision is still right for you. If you’re procrastinating, take our test and find out what’s really going on… And, if you want to do less and achieve more, read our interview with physicist and writer Alan Lightman, who tells us ‘wasting time’ may actually be the best use of your time. Plus, be inspired by a wonderful reader, who decided to take a giant leap while on holiday in Cornwall.

WITH MASTERCLASSES, COACHING AND PODCASTS. GO TO PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/SUBSCRIPTIONS

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Change your life from your deckchair Not where you thought you’d be at this point in the year? Summer is the perfect time to consolidate your dreams and kick them into gear. Grab your journal and answer these powerful coaching questions to help you turn things around from your holiday destination of choice, writes Ali Roff

A PERFECT PAUSE

“We’re not in our normal everyday life when we are on holiday; we’re away, so we automatically have a new perspective”

Before I left, Psychologies Editor-in-Chief, Suzy Walker, who also happens to be a career coach, invited me to make the most of my time away – to take stock and get my head around the goals I’d set at the beginning of the year. So, could my sunlounger be the best place from which to press pause and find the perspective that will give me the boost I need to realise them? Kim Morgan, founder of Barefoot Coaching thinks so: ‘It’s perfect – we’re not in our normal everyday life when we’re on holiday; we’re away, so we automatically have a new perspective. We need to harness that and use the deckchair as a space for thinking about our future.’ But I’m aware that it’s not as simple as laying back and letting the answers appear to me on the ocean

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breeze – and I’ve definitely fallen into the trap of being inspired by new surroundings on holidays before, only for that inspiration to fade once I’ve returned home. Morgan advises that we first create the space to utilise our holiday time wisely. ‘Usually, we decide to make all these changes, then go home and fall straight back into life. By being a little more intentional while at the pool, you stand a better chance of making change happen. Carve out time in your mind and dedicate it to planning. Say: “I’m going to think about my life for 15 minutes a day, at the same time every day.”’ I quite like the idea of creating a little ritual during my break; time just for me – that’s what holidays are all about, right? I decide that, after breakfast, I’ll go up to my balcony, or the small patio in the shade, and work on ‘me’. But how do I do that in the best possible way? I’ve learned so many self-development tools during my time writing for Psychologies, but I’m reluctant to overcomplicate things – this is a holiday, after all! ‘One of the best things I do is my journalling in the morning. I do 10 minutes: a splurge on paper about how I’m feeling, and always end with one question,’ says Walker. ‘It’s about creating intention.’ There’s that word again – intention. So, journalling it is, and what better to journal around, than some of the most juicy, powerful, in-depth coaching >>> questions from the top coaches and authors out there? PHOTOGRAPHS: BLUE COLLECTIONS/STOCKSY

t last, flopping onto my sunlounger after working frantically to get my Psychologies copy filed (and feeling more tired and stressed than ever), I can relax. Part of me wants to sleep for the entire week, another part wants to make the most of every moment and soak in the culture, food and sights. And the third part… well, it feels as if I’ve got some unfinished business to attend to. Not the deadlines of day-to-day work, but the goals I set out to achieve at the start of the year. It’s summer, and only a handful of my dreams for 2018 have come to fruition. How did the months fly by so fast?

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I have a dream…

But how do you go about making it a reality? Some of Britain’s most respected experts take you through five steps to achieving your goals. Get your journal ready, and start answering these questions

nce you have set your intention for time and place, commit to taking ‘inspired action’. ‘Often, we can set intentions, but they aren’t backed up with action,’ explains life coach Pete Cohen. ‘The hardest thing to do is get started, and the easiest thing to do after two or three days of action, is to let the inconsistency set in – which is when our inspired action becomes casual, and we become a casualty of it.’ Commit to journalling around one question each day in your 15-minute time slot, then allow your answers to marinate over the following 24 hours. If you’re on holiday for longer than five days, you will find additional questions on page 70. And, don’t forget, if you want more, subscribers get free access to the interactive coaching available in the Life Leap online coaching club. Plus, you can harness more ‘inspired action’ from our free Psychologies podcast channel, for conversations with all three of our experts – perfect for listening to by the pool.

Walker. ‘But we don’t just have to focus on the “bad stuff”, or the things that haven’t happened for us this year; this question also allows us to notice the things that feel great,’ adds Morgan. Sometimes, she explains, it’s about realising that: ‘These bits feel marvellous, but to make life even better, I could be feeling all these other things.’

“The first stage of any change is facing where you are, because you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”

EASING INTO IT How does it feel to live my life now?

‘Most coaching starts with, “Where are you now?”’ says Morgan. ‘I think an easy, gentle question is, “How does it feel to live in my life now?”’ The first stage of any change is facing where we are, because we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge.’ Amber Rae, author of Choose Wonder Over Worry: Move Beyond Fear And Doubt To Unlock Your Full Potential (Piatkus, £13.99), agrees that it’s vital to check in with our feelings. ‘The reason we want to pursue a goal is because we want to feel a certain way.’ So, how are you feeling now? This first question can also help us realise when we might be covering up the parts of our lives that aren’t so great by keeping ourselves busy. ‘So often, we go on holiday, finally collapse, then the darkness comes to the surface,’ says

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EVALUATE THE YEAR SO FAR What went well and what needs work?

Now we can take stock and look back over the past eight months in order to understand where we need to go from here. ‘I have two powerful questions that I ask my clients,’ explains Cohen: “What went well and what needs work?” I coach a lot of people around public speaking and, when they do a presentation, it’s easy to be instantly critical – but the first thing I tell them to do is direct themselves towards what went positively then, secondly, to what needs work. There’s always something to work on and this question engages our brains to access that information.’

FIND THE POWER TO MOVE FORWARD If I saw myself in three years’ time, living the same life, how would I feel?

Now it’s time to create the vision going forward. ‘Everybody has dreams,’ says Cohen, ‘but there are a few reasons why they don’t always come to fruition; it starts with the vision. When we create the vision of something we want, we’re often motivated to take action. But, over time, circumstances get in our way and, as the intensity of that vision decreases, we lose our enthusiasm.’ So, how can we create a vision that stands the test of time? Cohen explains that it’s the difference between motivation and inspiration. ‘Motivation is a word >>>

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that’s overused. Often, we can be motivated away from something, say, if we’re unhappy with an area of our life. In this case, most people make a change, get comfortable, then give up because the pain they were in is gone. But, when we’re inspired by something, we’re able to breathe life into it, no matter what happens.’ So, what’s the key to getting where we want to be? ‘When you take motivation and mix it with inspiration, you create a force that drives you forward, regardless of the obstacles that you may face,’ says Cohen. Morgan has a great question to help us combine motivation with inspiration. Imagine sitting on the same sunlounger in three years’ time. Now ask: ‘If I saw myself doing the same things, how would it feel? And, if it is not OK, what would need to be different?’ This is your motivation. Then, imagine you’re here again, in three years’ time, but things have changed in the way that you want. ‘I call this “La La Land”,’ says Walker. ‘If everything was fantastic, what would that look like?’ This is your inspiration – your vision. ‘Ask yourself: “If I made my vision happen, how would it make me feel?” Now ask: “How can I make myself feel that way today?” This helps us create results in the present versus falling into the trap of “I’ll be happy when…” thinking.’

that says, “Are you good enough? Does your voice matter? Who are you to accomplish this? What if you fail? What will other people think of you?”’ But what’s the remedy? Wonder! ‘Wonder is the voice of our curious inner guide, and it’s the part of us that questions worry’s critical remarks, ultimately guiding us to understand who we are and the gifts that we’re here to express. For me,’ adds Rae, ‘fear is a signal that I’m heading towards meaningful growth – therefore, I think the next step is reframing fear as an indicator of advancing towards something crucially important.’ This is an empowering notion. Rae tells us to have a conversation with our fear, asking fear the next question: ‘Hey fear! Why are you here? What is it that you want me to know?’ She adds: ‘When we allow fear to have a voice, it usually releases its grip.’

“When you’re inspired by something, you’re able to breathe life into it, no matter what happens”

PRE-EMPT YOUR OBSTACLES Hey fear! Why are you here? What is it that you want me to know?

Now that we can see where we want to go, ask the killer question, says Walker: ‘What would I have to believe for that to happen?’ ‘One of the most common reasons for not realising our bigger goals is fear,’ says Rae. ‘Fear of failure; fear of not being ready; fear of not being good enough. Worry is the voice of our inner critic, the voice

HANGING IN THERE, OR LETTING GO What is not serving me?

So, here’s the big question: how do we know if it’s time to cut our losses, or keep going? Walker urges us to think honestly about whether our goal feels like a heart leap, or a heart sink? Rae invites us to bring an element of wonder into our answers for this final question: ‘Curiosity can be such a dear friend; an investigative sidekick. Ask: “What is not working? What is not serving me?” So often, procrastination or hesitation can be a signal of wisdom,’ says Rae. ‘If you feel stuck, what are you really trying to tell yourself?’ She also advises us to think about whether our goals suit us day-to-day: ‘If the work you’re doing daily doesn’t feel aligned with who you are, then what’s the point?’ And, in the end, adds Cohen, ‘If you feel like whatever it is you’re reaching towards isn’t working, you have two options: change your approach, or give up on that thing and focus your energy on something that lights you up inside.’

Other useful questions l Which current actions are

l What do I need to believe

l What is the block?

taking me towards my goal and which are taking me away from it? l Do I believe I’m worthy and deserve to create the life I want? l What do I believe about myself and where did I learn it?

to make my vision of the future happen? How will I start to build evidence that I can do it? l What do I want to celebrate and how do I do more of that? What am I grateful for?

What belief is behind it? For example: ‘I’m not good enough.’

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l How do I want to feel

every day and what are the things I can do to help me achieve that feeling?

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Q+A

In praise of wasting time

Frittering away an afternoon now and again helps you live a more productive, successful and happier life. Physicist, novelist and essayist Alan Lightman answers Ali Roff’s time-honoured questions

What are your thoughts on our relationship with time in the modern world? I think we’re obsessed with productivity, which goes back to our puritan ethics; that it’s regarded as a sin to waste time, but I also think that the use of our time has changed drastically with the increasing pace of life. We view every 15-minute period as a potentially productive use of time, when we can plug into the internet on our smartphone, wherever we may be. When you combine the speed of communication with the time-equals-money equation, we have become more productive over the past 50 years, and that productivity has made each minute of the day potentially more valuable monetarily. A study by the Harvard Business Review recently showed that most people spend 13.5 hours a day on their smartphones doing business, as opposed to the old eight-hour workday. In another study by the British Council, experts looked at the walking speed of people in 34 cities around the world, and found that it has increased by 10 per cent in just 10 years, so that’s also resonant with the idea that the speed of life has increased in general. We take our smartphones with us on holiday, so we’re really not on holiday any more – we’ve lost a tremendous amount by not having time when our mind is not plugged in to the rest of the world.

thinks about who we are and what’s important to us; what our values are and what we want to do with our lives and the future. This inner self requires some solitude, some slowness and some quiet – which are all the antithesis of the wired world in which we live. I think we’ve also lessened our creative capacity. It’s been known for many years that creativity depends on unstructured time when the mind is simply wandering, and the unconscious mind is working for us. Studies have shown that the creativity of children has decreased steadily since 1990, which is approximately the same time that the internet became public. So, we are damaging both our inner selves and our creative capacity by being plugged in 24-7, and by leading hectic lives with no time for quiet reflection.

“We’ve lost a tremendous amount by not having time when our mind isn’t plugged in”

What do you think we’ve forfeited by becoming so concerned with efficiency? Our obsession has diminished our ability to nourish our inner selves and, by inner self, I mean that part of us that imagines, dreams, lets our mind wander,

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In your opinion, can we waste our time however we choose? Or are there good and bad ways to waste time? I use the term ‘wasting time’ to mean any period that’s spent without a structured activity, and with no goal. Having dinner with friends, or taking a quiet walk in the woods are wonderful ways to ‘waste time’. Generally, I would say that all of us need some time during the day in which we are not plugged in; in which we are quietly letting our thoughts roam, doing any activity that does not have a definite purpose. And the paradox that we should remember is that some of the most creative activities of human beings, in both the sciences and the arts, only happen when a person is simply letting their mind wander freely.

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Should wasting time involve conscious or unconscious thought processes? The workings of the unconscious mind are somewhat mysterious and not completely understood by science but, what the experts do know, is that when the mind is resting, and when we believe that we are not thinking about anything, our brain is actually using 95 per cent as much energy as it does when we’re consciously working on a problem. So, the unconscious mind is always at work and, many times, when we come up with a sudden idea or a make a ‘snap’ decision, and believe that it has come out of the blue, it has actually been produced by the invisible workings of the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is extremely important to our mental health, creativity and sense of self.

pronouncements by the health industry about the damage we were doing to our health by smoking to finally convince people to cut down or quit. The damage that we’re doing to our mental health by leading this busy, time-driven, plugged-in life is a bit more difficult to document. There are some studies that have shown an increase in depression among teenagers and a loss of creativity in children, but I think we’re going to need more research of that type to convince people that we are truly damaging our mental health by living in the way that we do.

PHOTOGRAPH: BLUE COLLECTIONS/STOCKSY

“When we come up with a sudden idea, it’s actually been produced by the workings of the unconscious mind”

In today’s frantic society, and with our ‘addiction’ to busyness, how can we shift the stereotypes around the idea of wasting time? We are able to change habits of mind but it requires a lot of work. For example, if you compare this problem to smoking, there were many more smokers 50 years ago than there are today, but it took several decades of

How can unplugging and adding silence help us live a healthier and more productive life? I had a friend who was a school teacher. At the beginning of each class, she would ring a bell heralding a five-minute period of silence. She found that it had a tremendously calming effect on her pupils – but it also made them more productive; and they thought more about what they were learning during her class. Therefore, if we can build periods of silence into our lives, we will also see this kind of benefit. We need that peace and quiet to replenish our minds in many ways. ‘In Praise Of Wasting Time’ by Alan Lightman (Simon & Schuster, £8.99) is out now

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“I was on holiday in Cornwall when I decided to quit my job”

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During a summer of space and rest, Laura Earnshaw, 38, founder of myHappymind, saw a different vision for her life – and found the strength to pursue it INTERVIEW RIN HAMBURGH PHOTOGRAPH REBECCA LUPTON

HAIR AND MAKE-UP: SALLY ROWE

hen my son, Oscar, started school at the age of four, he struggled to settle. My family had just moved back to the UK from Australia, we had a new baby and he found the transition hard to handle. At the end of the first term, he was still hanging onto my leg screaming for me not to make him go. I went to talk to the school because they weren’t being especially proactive but, basically, they told me he needed to develop a stiff upper lip. Unsatisfied with their response, I went home, sat down with a piece of paper and wrote a list of all the things he needed help with – like understanding emotional responses, learning how to get along with people, recognising and feeling good about who he was, and so on. At the time, I had a successful career in HR helping CEOs and their teams become more resilient. I realised that Oscar’s needs were exactly the same qualities or skills I was teaching in my leadership sessions. Then, I created a series of activities and habits to help my son. Six months later, the school called to ask what we had done with him because he was a completely different child. I shared the work we had completed together and they asked if they could use my model. Soon after, we were on holiday in Cornwall and

I found out that someone close to me had experienced a full mental breakdown. I couldn’t quite believe it; they had seemed so ‘together’ – successful and happy. I realised that if it could happen to that person, and if my son could suffer with anxiety at the age of four, then mental health problems can affect anyone. Research shows that most adult mental health issues can be traced back to something that happened before the age of 12, but schools do very little preventative work when it comes to mental health. I decided to quit my job and do something about it. I launched myHappymind in 2016 and our curriculum is now being used in more than 100 schools, having a positive impact on around 70,000 children. myHappymind is focused on preparing today’s children for tomorrow’s world by building resilient, balanced and happy minds. We’ve developed programmes for nurseries and for families to use at home, too. It was being away from the everyday grind, having a shift in surroundings and daily routine that helped me make the change; having the space to have a bit of clarity of thought. It was definitely a leap of faith and a lot of hard work, but I’ve never looked back.

Laura Earnshaw is coaching us on how to survive and thrive as a family this summer. Tune in to our Facebook Live broadcasts throughout August – see page 54 for details; myhappymind.org

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Test

What’s the root cause of your procrastination?

If you’re frustrated that your visions for the future never become reality, take our test to find out the real source of your postponement problem When you’re stuck in procrastination mode, you often feel: ♥ Frazzled and overwhelmed ◆ Trapped or guilty l Anxious or worried

■ Low and self-critical

You most need the support of a good friend when:

■ You’ve forgotten what you are good at ♥ You’ve lost sight of what to prioritise ◆ You’re wondering if it’s really worth the hassle l You can’t stop thinking about what might go wrong

You feel inspired by people who:

♥ Have got the work-life balance right l Have overcome anxiety to achieve their dream ◆ Combine success with a social conscience ■ Seem to thrive on taking risks

You’re at your most proactive when you feel sure: ■ You can do a good job

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l Everything will turn out OK

◆ ◊ What you’re doing matters ♥ You have time to do things properly

For you, the hardest thing about making any big change is: ♥ Knowing where to start ◆ Being sure it’s the right thing to do l Overcoming your worries

■ Believing you can do it

Your default way to procrastinate is to:

■ Waste time, then feel guilty about it ♥ Busy yourself with easy tasks ◆D ◊ o something for someone else l Over-plan and prepare

You’re happiest when you: ♥ Are relaxing after finishing a

Your daily to-do list is full of:

♥ Whatever problem or project that needs sorting out today ◆ ‘Should do’ tasks, most of which you find boring l Things you put off the day before ■ Either easy wins or big challenges, depending on your mood

Deep down, you know life would feel better if you could: ◆ Lower your standards and be OK with that l Get things into perspective and be less afraid ■ Really believe in yourself ♥ Let go of the need to achieve

big task

◆H ◊ ave been thanked for a job well done l Manage to calm your monkey mind ■ Have done something that boosts your confidence

Your greatest fear is: ◆ Letting people down

l Being out of control

■ Being judged ♥ Feeling bored

Circle the answers that most closely apply to you, then add up the symbols. Read the section (or sections – sometimes, there is more than one) you circled most, to find out what kind of procrastinator you are.

WORDS: SALLY BROWN. PHOTOGRAPH: BLUE COLLECTIONS/STOCKSY

>>>

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Dossier

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What kind of procrastinator are you? IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ♥

A distracted procrastinator

Holidays are your favourite time to think and dream, and you’re never short of ideas and plans for changes you want to make, or avenues to explore. But, daily life takes over once you’re home and, before long, you’re back in ‘doing mode’ with your time and energy spent firefighting the challenges that seem to perpetually come your way. The truth is, busyness is often a welcome distraction from the scarier prospect of stepping out of your comfort zone to make change happen. You might tell yourself you’ll get on with your plans as soon as you’re on top of things but, the truth is, that time never comes, because new reasons to procrastinate come up all the time, if you let them. You need to find a way to hold onto your big-picture thinking, no matter how busy you get. Could you ring-fence a daily golden hour to focus on what matters to you, ideally first thing, when your mind is fresh and creative? If this feels impossible, then can you be clever about where you squeeze that time into your day? Could you carry a notebook, and do some brainstorming and planning in those moments when you would usually scroll through your phone?

IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ●

IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ◆

A conscientious procrastinator

You have a keen sense of duty and responsibility and hate letting people down. These are admirable traits, but they can stop you making changes. You hesitate in taking a leap in case it’s not best for others, so you put things off, waiting for the ‘right time’ to make a move. It’s wonderful that you think about the impact on other people when considering a decision, but you forget to think of your own needs. There’s no doubt that being good at ‘putting up and shutting up’ and slow to complain make you popular and great to be around, but your ability to tolerate lack of fulfilment and unhappiness can hold you back, because it dilutes your motivation. Conscientious procrastinators are prone to overthinking, as you consider all eventualities of every step you take. If you look hard enough, you will always find reasons not to do something and, sometimes, you need to take a chance. When you catch yourself worrying about whether people will be annoyed or put out by your decision, remind yourself that if you can tolerate uncomfortable feelings, other people can, too.

IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ■

An overthinking procrastinator

A doubting procrastinator

Your vivid imagination means you picture every hurdle that could lie in the way of making your dreams reality. It makes sense to think through your options and what might go wrong before you make a change, right? But overthinkers take ‘being prepared’ to extremes. By trying to anticipate and plan for every eventuality, you drain the momentum from your ideas, so it’s no surprise you get stuck. How can you feel excited about making a leap when there’s a personal movie of ‘worst possible outcomes’ playing on a loop in your head? Overthinking is often a sign that you find it hard to deal with uncertainty, or a response to worry. But, rather than soothing your fears, overthinking fuels them, as you’re always mentally rehearsing the worst-case scenario. Don’t let overthinking self-talk you out of your dream. Let the part of you that longs for a life less ordinary take charge. The truth is: things will go wrong, and there will be problems. But every failure has something to teach you, and the more experienced you become at picking yourself up, the less afraid you will be of being knocked down.

You have moments of clarity when you feel empowered about taking your life in a new direction. So it’s frustrating when, after an few steps, you falter, and lose momentum. In low moments, you put your procrastination down to laziness or indecisiveness, but it’s your lack of self-belief that’s sabotaging your ambitions. Do you believe good luck and success happen to other people, and not you? You could be holding yourself back because it feels safer not to try than to try and fail, especially if your critical inner voice likes to remind you of every time you’ve ‘messed up’. You do have times when your way forward seems achievable but, as soon as you come across a problem, your self-confidence evaporates, leaving you hijacked by doubt. Doubting procrastinators often work better in teams, so think about working with a supportive friend who shares your vision, or having coaching to get started. Consider how you would support a friend or family member trying to follow their dream. If you would encourage them every step of the way, can you do this for yourself? It’s time to let your inner coach lead the way, rather than the inner bully.

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W NE

VEGAN 3

from Britain’s No.1 Vitamin Company* 20180501_ADWEWVEGCONP_E

www.wellwoman.com †

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#360me p84 The Plan Essential wellbeing in four holistic sections / p91 The Open Mind Accepting the middle ground / p92 Real Environment The plastic revolution: now’s the time to act / p96 The Journey Using mindfulness to conquer fear / p99 Balance Plan Sweet slumber EDITED BY EMINÉ RUSHTON

PHOTOGRAPH: MARIJA SAVIC/STOCKSY

“

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful THICH NHAT HANH

”

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#360me

The plan Every month, the #360me team will be sharing our baby-steps approach to leading a healthier, happier life – expert-endorsed and real-life approved.

body

dy Get the best rest pg 99

The tru th abou t die ting pg 88

Decisions, decisions … pg 91

me ir

Floral therapy pg 87

m in

Gently transformative ideas for a happier body

11k

‘That’s the number of sanitary products a woman uses in her lifetime, which is why I love THINX sustainable, waste-free period-proof knickers, which absorb two tampons’ worth of liquid with their four-layer anti-microbial wicking system. Simply rinse at the end of each day and reuse. I suggest purchasing a few pairs so you can change and rotate – they’re not cheap at £24 but, if one factors in the cumulative cost of 11,000 sanitary products, it’s a no-brainer!’ @eminerushton

To feel your best, you have to consider the health of not just your BODY and GUT, but your MIND and SPIRIT too – this is holistic health in action. To help you, we’ve split all the advice in the plan into these four sections and, by spending a similar amount of time on each, you’ll be looking after your ‘self’ in a truly holistic way. Dip in and try one thing from each section. Or dive in and do it all. It’s here for you – to inspire, support and motivate. Share your journey with us @eminerushton and we’ll share ours too.

SHARE YOUR #360ME JOURNEY @eminerushton @psychologiesmagazine psychologies.co.uk

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Period panties, £24 each, THINX

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#360me

the plan

PODCASTS WE LOVE A must-listen for anyone who is feeling insecure about their body is the uplifting and inspiring ‘Strong Not Skinny’ by our very own Fitness Editor, Hollie Grant, who also loves Laura Thomas’s ‘Don’t Salt My Game’ and ‘Ctrl, Alt, Delete: How I Grew Up Online’ by Emma Gannon.

English Peppermint Oil Pulling Mouthwash, £6.90, toothpaste, £6.90, toothbrush, £3.90, and floss, £4.90, Georganics

ZERO HERO

To really change our unwanted behaviour, we need to ‘zoom out’ and focus on the entire life we want to live

“

”

The Kindness Method by Shahroo Izadi (Pan Macmillan, £12.99)

‘It’s the little things that count, and add up, like plastic dental floss, toothbrushes, straws and cotton buds, all clogging our oceans because they’re not biodegradable, and we’ve run out of places to hide our rubbish. Bravo then to Sussex outfit Georganics, who make fully biodegradable and sustainable floss from silk, all-natural toothpaste and oil pulling mouthwash, in glass jars with bamboo spatulas – and even the protection seal is made from biodegradable wood pulp! These lovely bottles can be repurposed for drinks once the product is finished.’ Eminé

PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES; SHUTTERSTOCK. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 127

STEP UP! “What’s the best way to counteract a sedentary job? Walk, walk, walk! It’s one of life’s simplest pleasures; so underrated and forgotten about when people want to improve their fitness. It’s easy, free, helps keep you grounded and in touch with nature, allows you extra time to call friends or listen to a podcast and helps you get your vitamin D. Get on your feet this lunchtime!” Hollie Grant, Fitness Editor @thepilatesPT

Miscarriage: What Every Woman Needs To Know by Lesley Regan (Orion, £14.99) Havana Palm leggings, £65, and crop bra £45, Born Nouli

Receive a 20% discount

by using the code PSYCHOLOGIES at bornnouli.com

COPING WITH LOSS ‘“One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage; the most common complication of pregnancy, yet the least understood,” says Lesley Regan, whose work in obstetrics and gynaecology make this an essential read for those seeking answers.’ Eminé

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spirit Lift your spirit with these great finds and useful insights

LIVING, BREATHING… ‘Plants in the bedroom create a beautiful, peaceful environment and, as most cacti photosynthesise at night, they produce oxygen, increasing the quality of our sleep. The key to cultivating plants in a small space is to make use of window sills and to exploit vertical space by hanging plants in front of windows,’ says Gynelle Leon, of PRICK, London’s first Jesmonite pots, £18 each cacti and succulent (plants sold shop. prickldn.com separately), PRICK

STAR STRUCK

THINKING CAP Contributing wellness editor, Nicky Clinch, shares the power of ‘self-stalking’ – a useful practice to help us see past the negative self-beliefs that cloud our thoughts ‘This is one of the most powerful tools I apply to my thinking. It takes commitment and is not always fun, but it is fascinating and effective. In your journal, begin ‘stalking’ your thoughts over five to seven days. Throughout the day, write down the regular thoughts that come into your head: ‘I’m not good enough;

“Personalising gifts is a lovely touch, and I’m a sucker for items that nod to my star sign. These simple star map necklaces from Mantra Jewellery (in gold, rose gold or silver), have delighted several friends already – just the thing to lift the spirit of someone who needs reminding how special and loved they are” @eminerushton 86 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

nobody likes me; I don’t have support; I can’t manage’… Pay particular attention to your thinking after a conflict occurs. At the end of the week, you will have a clear idea of the chatter that goes on in your head; the same ideas circling like a broken record. This exercise is so powerful because, once we can see the messages,

Star map necklace, from £45, Mantra Jewellery

beliefs and noise doing the rounds in our heads, we can’t unsee them. Awareness is the first step to long-lasting change, and empowers us to break free from negativity. This method is part of my eight-week online transformational programme, “Homecoming”.’ nickyclinch.com

79%

A survey into quality of life, found that 79 per cent of people feel happier after catching up with a friend, while 75 per cent believe reminiscing about old times with a friend helps relieve stress.* Let that be your incentive to pick up the phone, plan a ‘mate date’, or rekindle friendships with your long-lost pals.

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#360me

the plan

mind This month’s food for thought... Tell us how you get on by using #360me

10pm

PHOTOGRAPHS: KRISTIN PERERS, FROM ‘WREATHS: FRESH, FORAGED & DRIED FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS’ BY KATIE SMYTH AND TERRI CHANDLER; GETTY IMAGES; SHUTTERSTOCK. *RESCUE QUALITY OF LIFE SURVEY, HARRIS INTERACTIVE, 2014; ** GLA.AC.UK/NEWS/HEADLINE_585356_EN.HTML; †A MICHALSEN ET AL, RAPID STRESS REDUCTION AND ANXIOLYSIS AMONG DISTRESSED WOMEN AS A CONSEQUENCE OF A THREE-MONTH INTENSIVE YOGA PROGRAM, 2005. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 127

A new study from the University of Glasgow, which assessed data from 91,105 individuals, identified a distinct correlation between disrupted sleep patterns and low mood disorders. Want to improve your quality of sleep? The researchers advise turning off all electronic devices before 10pm.**

FLOWER POWER “In ‘Wreaths: Fresh, Foraged & Dried Floral Arrangements’ by Katie Smyth and Terri Chandler (Quadrille, £14.99), I have found an escape – simply taking time out to gather flowers (my wild garden has sprouted some beautiful ‘weeds’). Arranging, weaving and creating is incomparably uplifting – I urge you to try it before summer passes, and we have less to work with” Eminé

AWES…OM A study found that women who participated in a three-month yoga programme of two 90-minute classes a week demonstrated significant improvements in perceived stress, vigour, fatigue, depression, headaches and anxiety.† Salivary cortisol also decreased after a class. Struggling to get to a studio? Hop on your mat online with movementformodernlife.com.

EMOTIONAL MUNCHIES?

Hungry for More by Mel Wells (Hay House, £12.99)

'In our diet culture, we’ve been taught to ignore our appetite, resenting our hunger for fear it will lead us into a pit of guilt. We’re confused between psychological cravings and a biological need for food and, in not allowing our bodies to speak to us, we’re guided by emotional cravings, which often lead to the bottom of an ice cream tub! It’s not biological hunger leading us – it’s our minds. We think we crave food, when we are craving something deeper… It’s our emotions we need to address.’ Extract from ‘Hungry For More’ by Mel Wells

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gut Nurture your gut health for an overall feeling of wellbeing

DO OR DIET? Each month, we put a question to our contributing health editor, medical doctor Hazel Wallace, who gives us a balanced, research-backed and definitive answer. Let’s talk dieting

Is it ever a good idea to go on a diet to lose weight? ‘Let me start by saying that diets do not work. Even if you see “results” in terms of weight loss in the beginning, 95 per cent of people will regain the weight in one to five years. Ditch the diet philosophy and focus on the foods that taste good and make you feel amazing, and if that

means a green smoothie one day and a slice of cake the next, so be it. Focus on the great things your body can do – treat it well with exercise, self-care and kind words. Your number on the scales is not a measure of your self-worth.’ Hazel Wallace @thefoodmedic

115%

‘Not only are strawberries rich in antioxidants, but they’re also a great source of vitamin C. Eating just eight strawberries provides as much as 115 per cent of your daily vitamin C needs. Vitamin C contributes to the healthy function of the immune system and the reduction of tiredness.’ Lily Soutter, nutritionist @lily_soutter_nutrition

‘The Food Medic For Life: Easy Recipes To Help You Live Well Every Day’ by Hazel Wallace (Yellow Kite, £20) is available now

OIL HAIL “Lucy Bee Starseed Organic Raw Omega Oil (aka sacha inchi oil) is high in omega-3 and contains the right balance of omegas 3, 6 and 9 – just one teaspoon a day will have you hitting your omega-3 RDA, while it’s recommended that vegans take up to two teaspoons a day. With a mild, nutty flavour, it’s best to use unheated or cooked, to retain its raw benefits. Drizzle over salad, soup, or add to smoothies and juices, and blend for consistency” Eminé 88 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

HIGH TEA

Omega oil, £15.95, Lucy Bee

‘Ginseng is one of the best energy tonics you can find. A natural stimulant, it also builds up core energy levels by rejuvenating the adrenal glands and central nervous system. Instead of an extra coffee, try ginseng for more sustained energy without the crash. It also boosts libido, which is a nice little bonus,’ points out medical herbalist Katie Pande.

Ginseng Matcha Green Tea, £2.85, Pukka Herbs

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#360me

the plan

GINGER AND HIBISCUS POACHED PEARS Poached pears look and taste stunning and are simple to make, says Nina Olsson in ‘Feasts Of Veg’ (Kyle Books, £18.99). Here, they are infused with aromatic fresh ginger and hibiscus tea, and served with vanilla ice cream.

SERVES 4 l 4 firm pears, peeled but stalks intact l 1 ltr strong hibiscus tea (let it steep for 10 minutes l 1 tbsp pureed fresh ginger l 1 tbsp pureed lemongrass (optional)

PHOTOGRAPHS: FROM ‘FEASTS OF VEG’ BY NINA OLSSON; GETTY IMAGES; SHUTTERSTOCK. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 127

1 Put the pears in a saucepan. Fill the saucepan with the hibiscus tea and add the pureed ginger, pureed lemongrass, agave syrup and vanilla extract. 2 Bring to the boil, then reduce the heat and allow to simmer for 30 minutes. 3 Turn off the heat but keep the pears in the syrup until serving.

l 2 tbsp

agave syrup l 1 tsp vanilla

extract TO SERVE l Ice cream l Sprinkles of

black sesame seeds

4 The pears can be poached up to two days in advance, then cooled and kept, tightly covered, in the fridge. 5 Reheat gently before serving. 6 Carefully remove the pears from the syrup and serve with vanilla ice cream. Sprinkle the pears and ice cream with black sesame seeds.

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Supporting you through the

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#360me

the open mind

Eminé Rushton considers choice, and the emotional conditioning that can scupper balance and joy – and has an epiphany over her ‘road not taken’

Left… or right? A

crossroads. This column has touched on this theme before: two paths, a pause and a decision that needs to be made. I contact counsellor and life coach Chanelle Sowden and, in keeping with my ‘open mind’, have no idea what I will say. I ramble on about how work has taken over; the balance is off; I haven’t practised yoga for months and meditation has been shelved. I am doing brilliantly at work – which I fit into the forensically focused six hours of each school day – and I spend more time with my children. Isn’t that a win-win?

PHOTOGRAPH: HAYDEN WILLIAMS/STOCKSY

Selling my soul

‘What steals your joy?’ she asks. I sigh. Not going slow. Not having days when I can choose not to work; to dip my toes in the sea, have lunch with my sister. ‘I feel as though I’ve made a deal with the devil,’ I say, ‘by resolving to work harder every day, be more focused, and ensure my family is financially secure.’ Sowden calls me out on the fact that I say ‘devil’, when I mean ‘financial security’, but money has never been my driver. I’m not materialistic, yet I’m highly risk-averse. An eldest child, innately responsible, I equate money with a worry-free life. She guides me around my ‘inner script’, pointing out that none of the things I want equate to financial success. ‘So, you have to work on being OK without financial security.’ Even the words terrify me. Sowden takes me to an interesting place. My father, a

selfless man who worked 19-hour days, taught me the shape of love: sacrifice, graft and provision. Yet, she points out, I’m a woman. I have a cycle, I have given birth to two girls; I am nurturing them; I am present in a way my father never was. I have let myself believe I can be everything: provider, everpresent mother, spiritual being, generous wife and calm, happy person. ‘What’s wrong with the middle ground?’ she asks, which always felt like a cop-out to me. She helps me reframe it: ‘Parents say they just want their children to be happy, but sometimes they have to accept their children are not happy. So, what now? What do we do?’ I see that expecting to be happy all the time is unrealistic. I thought I was missing something crucial – that if I found the elusive link, I would be financially successful, spiritually replete, and an exemplary mother of two joyous children: all the time. ‘That’s not what real life looks like,’ she says. I check my notes: ‘What steals your joy?’ Perhaps that’s why I’ve been stuck here: I mistook the middle ground for a crossroads. I was never meant to choose, I was only meant to catch my breath and take in the view. chanellesowden.co.uk

Wellbeing Director-at-Large

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#360me

real wellness

The plastic pandemic

In this extract from her book, Turning The Tide On Plastic, journalist, broadcaster and eco campaigner, Lucy Siegle, urges us all to do our bit – and fast

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real environment

atching the global plastic disaster unfold before us, we’ve come to the realisation that it isn’t as easy to recycle as we once assumed. That’s difficult for some of us to admit: I pride myself on being an excellent recycler but, over the past 12 months, I’ve seen the Mobius loop displayed on products from single-use coffee cups – I know that fewer than one in 1,000 is actually successfully recycled – to black plastic readymeal trays that blend into the conveyor belt at the sorting facility. (This means that, in most waste-management establishments, they can’t be picked up for recycling without a great deal of effort or new technology.)

The once-cherished Mobius loop, telling us something has the potential to be recycled, now seems misleading – but it is liberally applied. In fact, a brand or retailer can slap the Mobius loop on pretty much anything they like because, in theory, any material can be recycled – it just depends how much energy, time and money you’re prepared to spend doing it. The question is: will it be recycled? Certainly there’s a better chance that your waste will be recycled if you sort it, wash it and get it into the right bin –but we simply don’t know. In most of the UK – Wales is a glowing exception – we have a Byzantine medley of systems. From one side of Greater Manchester to the other, you might experience >>>

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3Rs are failing “us…The‘Reduce, Reuse,

an entirely different set of coloured bins, protocols and collection dates. In our plastic special on The One Show in April, host Matt Baker expressed viewers’ utter bemusement and frustration at the lack of harmony between local authorities’ plastic collections. He said it was ‘bonkers’. ‘I think we would agree that it is suboptimal,’ said Michael Gove, Secretary of State for the Environment, down the line from the House of Commons, ‘which is,’ he conceded, ‘Westminster-speak for “bonkers”.’

In my opinion, the 3Rs are failing us on a daily basis – when we are not failing them. ‘Reduce, Reuse, Recycle’ was a bold ideal that carried currency for a long time. But, out of the three, ‘Recycle’ has the strongest voice. It doesn’t just cast a shadow across Reduce and Reuse: it drowns them out. We’ve become fixated on getting to the recycling, forgetting that we need to stop the superfluous flow of waste in the first place. ‘Plastic is the most complex, difficult material to recycle,’ says Douglas Woodring, founder of NGO Ocean Recovery Alliance, who also noted: ‘Most of the world does not have the ability to recover materials.’ For all the assurances that recycling is becoming more innovative and widespread, remember that the global recycling rate for plastic is less than 15 per cent. Just five per cent of the material value is what you may call truly ‘recycled’ and retained for subsequent use. Given what Mobius and the 3Rs have been preaching for 40 years, you’d hope the figures would be better: I reiterate: Fifteen per cent of the globe’s plastic waste is recycled, of which five per cent is turned into a recycled object or material. Remember those facts. Neither Mobius nor the 3Rs pass muster in this Age of Plastic. Faced with a tsunami of ever-growing complex polymers and types of plastic packaging, both look hopelessly naive. We can do better.

Recycle’ was a bold ideal that carried currency for a long time but, out of the three, ‘Recycle’ has the strongest voice

Confucius says…

In their own inimitable way, industry and retailers have tried to stage an intervention… with more labels! Accepting that the Mobius loop wasn’t getting the job done, they introduced an on-pack message system. This is ‘advice’, tailored for our patchwork of recycling regimens. Labels are divided into three categories that claim to offer more nuanced guidance when we’re trying to navigate our local recycling systems: there’s ‘Widely recycled’, for packaging collected by at least 65 per cent of councils; ‘Check local recycling’, for materials collected by 15 to 65 per cent of councils; and ‘Not currently recycled’, for items collected by fewer than 15 per cent of councils. If you like percentages, and working out the odds as you queue, they are a treat. These are not hobbies of mine, but I respect the fact the labels are trying to help and reveal a few more clues.

“

Extract from ‘Turning The Tide On Plastic: How Humanity (And You) Can Make Our Globe Clean Again’ by Lucy Siegle (Trapeze; £12.99)

Rethink the 3Rs

Building on the age-old framework of ‘Reduce, Reuse, Recycle’, Lucy Siegle proposes five more practical strategies we can act on right now. Conveniently, they also begin with the letter R l Record. Collect your

l Refuse. Find your

l Rethink. Develop

own data about your consumption, so that you drive your own success. l Replace. Swap the ecological hooligans that colonise your cupboard, gym bag and commute, for cool high-function, low-impact alternatives.

steely inner core to form a robust defence that will stop unnecessary plastic getting into your life. l Refill. Navigate the places and products that bring everyday life up to speed without using disposable plastic.

a cutting-edge way of solving plastic challenges. You’re part of the solution, not the pollution.

94 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

l Incorporate the

original 3Rs – and I give you 8Rs: Record, Reduce, Replace, Refuse, Reuse, Refill, Rethink, Recycle.

Granted, it’s harder to remember but, once you focus on delinking your life from plastic, these steps will become second nature. This is all about giving ourselves as many chances as possible to curtail the deadly march of plastic before we even get to the Recycle stage.

PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES

#360me

real environment

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For more information visit www.eudeamon.com

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You have the power to direct your thoughts Anxiety is becoming a bigger and bigger problem in our fast-paced society, when even the smallest thing can send us into a spin. In her column this month, Ali Roff discusses how we can begin to take back control

here’s a scar on my right leg that I never want to disappear. It’s a symbol – a physical reminder of a mental dragon I slayed. This tale doesn’t quite have the backdrop of a turreted castle or a kissable frog, but it’s pretty then notice my breath deepen, and feel it decelerate. I could magical to me. In Greece on a recent boat trip, the opportunity focus on the moment; be aware of my panic; be curious about it. came to swim from our small speedboat to a remote beach. As It was beautifully simple, yet so incredibly difficult – every I get seasick, I literally jumped at the chance to get to dry land, breath was a decision to choose control over panic; response flinging myself from the boat and excitedly swimming towards over reaction. Throughout the day, waves of anxiety rose the beach when, with an energetic thrust of my up in great tsunamis and quelled right leg, I kicked the boat propeller. On the beach to lakes of glass, only to rise up again. Next time you as blood began to drip from my foot, I started to feel But, six hours later, stitched and feel anxious the panic rise through my body. I needed stitches. bandaged, I was smiling. The doctor came ● Bring your attention to to my hotel; a caring new friend held my your breath and focus on the And breathe… hand. I didn’t ruin anyone’s day, get an quality of it. Get curious: ‘My The problem was, on a beach accessible only by infection or bleed out – I didn’t die. Now, breath is fast – interesting. Can I deepen it, I wonder? that last part seems a little melodramatic, boat, with people I had met the day before, I was How does it feel now?’ I agree but, jokes aside, this is what hours away from medical care. I had no friends or ● If your shortness of breath anxiety is – the panic that builds up family to look after me; no NHS; no phone signal. is part of your anxiety, hold My breath was beginning to speed up, my around our catastrophising. In yogic something small and focus arms felt shaky and adrenaline pumped through philosophy, the theory of aparigraha on its weight and texture. How my body. But, in that moment, I realised I had a (meaning non-attachment – ultimately does it feel on your skin? choice: I could let the panic take hold of me; or to life) teaches that all anxiety is rooted I could breathe… Just breathe, and breathe again, in the fear of death, and our tendency to

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Tip of the month

“

It isn’t too late. Time is not running out. Your life is here and now. And the moment has arrived at which you’re finally ready to change

PHOTOGRAPH: LAURA RICHARDSON

“

CHERYL STRAYED

sometimes catastrophise that every bad event or failure ultimately results in it. And rightly so. We need an element of this to stay alive – leave a wound uncleaned and you could die from infection. But even our fear of being left out by our friends as children goes back to death – if we are excluded by our social group, we have no community, no protection, no one to rely on for food – we’re essentially left to fend for ourselves. An antsy email from our boss can result in the same anxiety – the email threatens our position at work, which could result in no income to afford basic necessities like shelter or food; the ultimate failure. So, while it might sound a little sensational, this mostly unconscious story can be playing out in the depths of our minds. But, through mindfulness, we practise being in the moment in order to allow ourselves to observe our experience. And, in beginning to look at an experience, conversely, we are able to step out of being in it. Ali has created a free ‘Self-love’ online course to help you cultivate more self-belief – download it now at her website aliandconnieroff.com, plus follow her journey for more inspiration and ideas on Instagram @aliroff

YOU HAVE MY FULL ATTENTION Can’t get on with meditation? Try having a mindful conversation. Next time you talk with a friend or loved one, see if you can focus all your attention on exactly what they are saying without forming what you will say next. Make them and their words your full experience – listen actively, make eye contact, notice their body language. It’s a truly unique way of being with someone and a real gift to your relationship. MINDFUL READING Well Being: Recipes And Rituals To Realign Body And Mind

by Danielle Copperman (Kyle Books, £25) Danielle Copperman’s debut book has taken up permanent residency on my bedside table this month. Aside from its delicious fuss-free recipes, it also has some beautiful notes on mindfulness, breath and movement for each part of your day. Most importantly, it’s not too overwhelming – nothing feels like another job to add to your endless to-do list, rather, a lovely suggestion for how to make a spare moment more sacred.

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#360me

the journey

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A Natural Approach To Menopause

All In O ne Omega 3, Phyton utrients & Vitam ins

Designed for: Hormonal Support Energy Boost Healthy Skin Normal Bone & Muscle Function

Cleanmarine MenoMin is a unique combination of Omega 3 Phospholipids plus Folate, Biotin, B Vitamins and Soy Isoflavones that provides a complete natural solution for use during and after menopause. It maintains mucous membranes and contains Vitamin B6 that contributes to normal psychological function. Available from Health Stores, Pharmacies & cleanmarinekrill.co.uk

#LETSTALKMENOPAUSE Vitamin B1 contributes to normal psychological function and contributes to normal energy yielding metabolism. Vitamin B2 contributes to maintenance of normal skin and contributes to a reduction in tiredness and fatigue. Vitamin B6 contributes to normal psychological function, contributes to normal energy yielding metabolism, contributes to a reduction in tiredness and fatigue and contributes to the regulation of normal hormonal activity. Vitamin D contributes to normal absorption and utilisation of calcium and phosphorus, contributes to maintenance of normal bones and normal muscle function.

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#360me

balance plan

Perchance to dream

Early to bed, early to rise… Paul Rushton outlines the Ayurvedic principles and practices that will give us the best chance of truly restorative rest

PHOTOGRAPH: TRINETTE REED/STOCKSY

leep has transformative power, as we withdraw into more subtle layers of consciousness and are gently renewed. Sleep, or nidra, is a pillar of Ayurvedic healing but there is no catch-all route to sweet dreams, and we’re best guided by individual equilibrium. Disturbed, anxious slumber is common for people with vata imbalance, who tend to sleep the least but benefit from it the most. When pitta is inflamed, sleep is hot and quick, and only moderate sleep is needed but we may feel depleted faster. With kapha imbalance, we are compelled towards too much sleep and feel heavy – snooze-button territory! Think of winter mornings when the season’s

humour is predominantly kapha. This weight also swells around the full moon and is best remedied by less sleep. Ayurveda recommends sleep before 10pm, when the day’s energy shifts from soporific kapha to energising pitta, and a second wind. Dinner should be light and early; and stimulation minimal an hour before bed. Choose candle or firelight, and fresh air. Rub soles or scalp with sesame oil; burn sandalwood; have a camomile tea, or bask in the moonlight before resting with feet pointing north, according to ancient wisdom. With awareness, we find the morning person within and rise like children, with the daybreak and birdsong. balanceplan.co.uk; @thebalanceplan

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Iron contributes to the reduction

of tiredness and fatigue • • • • • •

Tesco, phaarmacies and health h storres Subject to availability

No preeservatives, colourings or flavourings Non co onstipating liquid formula Highlyy absorbable iron gluconate Vitamiin C to increase iron absorption Suitable for vegetarians Suitable during pregnancy and breastfeeding

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The Retreat p102 The Words Uncover a maze of summertime page-turners / p106 Well Travelled The extreme highs and lows of canyoning in Madeira / p110 48 Hours Finland: sea pools, saunas and serenity / p113 Explore With Queen of Retreats Caroline Sylger Jones / p116 Living As nature intended / p122 Feasting A salad surprise

Tea time is a chance to slow “ down, pull back and appreciate

PHOTOGRAPH: GALLERY STOCK

LETITIA BALDRIGE

“

our surroundings

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Why I write…

Mahsuda Snaith is a novelist and writer-in-residence for literacy charity First Story. Here, she speaks about her lifelong companion – the written word

nce, I tried to break up with writing. It was your typical love story: girl meets book, book introduces her to pen, pen whisks her away to far-off lands until she’s besotted. I was eight when I realised that my love for writing could become a profession. But later, when I completed a literature and education degree, reality hit. The books I studied clearly showed that people like me – an Asian girl from a council estate – did not get published. I needed to be a proper person with a proper job. So, I became a primary school teacher. Writing was my ex-lover; I was never to speak its name again. Except, it was squatting in my house, knocking on my bedroom door with tantalising tales and proposals. And I, shut in that room, was starting to get cabin fever. I needed to open that door and write again. Last year, I became a writer-in-residence

for First Story and was placed with a group of secondary school Asian girls near the council estate I grew up in. Looking at them felt like seeing a snapshot of my younger self. Except my younger self didn’t have a real-life writer at the front of the class, demonstrating that people like her can get published. Because, despite the obstacles, my debut novel The Things We Thought We Knew was published last year. My love affair with writing had officially become a marriage. If I’d never been published, if I was still sending out my work with no return, would I have broken up with writing again? Never. That break-up taught me an invaluable lesson that I passed on to my students: if writing is so entwined into who you are you, it’s not just a fling, it’s your true love. And you should never kick out your true love. Mahsuda Snaith is author of ‘The Things We Thought We Knew’ (Black Swan, £12.99), out in paperback on 9 August; mahsudasnaith.com

First Story The charity changes lives through writing, believing there is dignity in every young person’s tale. We bring professional writers into secondary schools in low-income communities, to foster students’ creativity and communication skills. We’ve helped many young people tell their stories, and the majority are now more confident, write and read more, and are more engaged with their school communities. For information, and details of how to support us, go to firststory.org.uk or email us at info@firststory.org.uk

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Book of the month

RED THREAD: ON MAZES & LABYRINTHS By Charlotte Higgins (Jonathan Cape, £25)

This is a book to get gloriously lost in. Taking the story of Theseus and the Minotaur, and his journey out of the labyrinth with the help of Ariadne and her ball of red thread as a starting point, Charlotte Higgins heads into the world of myth and mazes. From the leafy befuddlement of Hampton Court to the flat, intricate prayer walks of medieval French cathedrals, she explores what it means to be lost, and to find your way. It’s a lovely, wayward meander, combining memoir with surprising historical facts, unexpected connections and intriguing, imaginative speculations.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Mokita Language: Kivila,

Papua New Guinea A truth everyone knows, but agrees not to talk about

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the retreat

The

words

Books were made for sunshine; a glass of cool lemonade – with a dash of gin and a slice of lemon perhaps – and a pair of sunglasses, and we’ll be content for hours…

“

EDITED BY ALI ROFF. MAIN REVIEWS: EITHNE FARRY. PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 127

By Melissa Harrison (Bloomsbury, £16.99) Edie is 14, and alive to the magical beauty of her family’s farm, deep in the heart of the Suffolk countryside. Wych Farm ‘was a world of ancient and immovable rhythms and beliefs’ but the shocks of the First World War and the Depression have made the family uneasy. Imaginative Edie is wondering what to do with her life, and the arrival of charming Constance FitzAllen, who’s researching fading rural traditions, brings a breath of fresh air. But FitzAllen isn’t all she seems, and Edie finds herself caught between two worlds. A heartbreaker of a book.

“

All Among The Barley

August rain: the best of the summer gone, and the new fall not yet born. The odd uneven time SYLVIA PLATH, THE UNABRIDGED JOURNALS OF SYLVIA PLATH

Unearthed A5 exercise books, £1 each, Wilko; See Concept sunglasses, £35, Not Another Bill

Paper therapy

WRITE, LOOK, PONDER

Journalling is a form of active and practical observation of both your inner and outer worlds. Observe a feature from your outer world over a period of time – the moon; a tree… Jot down details of the changes. What are the parallels to your own life? Jackee Holder is an author, coach and facilitator. jackeeholder.com; @jackeeholder

Take Nothing With You By Patrick Gale (Tinder Press, £18.99) Eustace is about to undergo radiation treatment for cancer; confined in an isolation chamber and pondering the possibilities of a new romance, he reflects on his past. Growing up in the old people’s home run by his parents, Eustace finds consolation in cello lessons, as his burgeoning sexuality sets him up for all the messy complications of love and loss. When his mother falls for his music teacher, she subjects Eustace to the most shocking kind of betrayal, in this tender coming-of-age tale.

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books

the retreat Embrace the al fresco lifestyle with the Outdoors collection, prices vary, Amara

“

It may be that to surrender to happiness was to accept defeat, but it was a defeat better than many victories

Washington Black By Esi Edugyan (Serpent’s Tail, £14.99)

“

W SOMERSET MAUGHAM, OF HUMAN BONDAGE

WORD OF THE MONTH

Indefatigable(adj)

Once you understand its meaning you’ll see it – to be indefatigable is to sustain or pursue an activity without getting tired. Much more fun to say than the boring ‘tireless’ or ‘energetic’, don’t you agree?

Washington Black is a slave in the sugar cane fields of Barbados, whose already precarious life is upended by the arrival of Christopher ‘Tich’ Wilde, the brother of brutal plantation owner Erasmus. Tich is an explorer and abolitionist and takes Black under his wing; a complicated relationship that becomes even more problematic when the pair are forced to flee after the death of Tich’s cousin. The book journeys to the Arctic, Morocco and the murk of 19th-century England, but it’s the emotional weather of Black that Edugyan’s story captures so powerfully.

The Way Of All Flesh By Ambrose Parry (Canongate, £14.99) Ambrose Parry is the pen name of bestselling noir author Christopher Brookmyre and his wife, Marisa Haetzman. The duo deliver action, mystery and history in their debut novel, set in the back streets of 19th-century Edinburgh, where young women are being found dead. Medical student Will Raven is determined to solve the killings with the help of Sarah Raven, who is keenly aware of her disadvantages in this male-dominated society, and who brings a feisty, feminist slant to this atmospheric thriller.

Owl bluetooth speaker, £129, Cuckooland

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Discover

A PEACEFUL PODCAST

If you’ve always enjoyed a bedtime story, or find it tough to switch off your brain, even when your head hits the pillow, then Sleep With Me: The Podcast That Puts You To Sleep could be your new best friend. A unique storytelling podcast which incorporates humour into its tales, it is designed by host Drew Ackerman to become progressively less engaging as the story goes on, so that you slowly and happily drift off to sleep.

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Next month

Create your new beginning

Clean slate, fresh start, let’s go!

Plus… No more commuting ●

How to make freelance life work for you ●

Write prescription

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travel

the retreat

>>>

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A leap of faith

Leanne Bracey travels to the island of Madeira to experience new heights, daring descents and to overcome her fears

tanding on the edge of a waterfall in Ribeira das Cales, deep in the verdant mountains of Madeira, I contemplate my first canyoning jump into the cold depths of the water below. I’ve hung back from the group, feeling out of my comfort zone. This is a girl who’s tried abseiling on the Isle of Man, paragliding in Switzerland and caving in the Ardèche (zipwire in a pitch-black cave). Over the past few years, I’ve pushed my limits when it comes to conquering my fears, both in my personal life and my chosen experiences. However, I remain petrified of being in open water, so resolve to combat this. Madeira isn’t just

for the cruise posse and weekend warriors in search of winter sun. Extreme sports-seekers get sucked into the mountains and surrounding waters in search of a natural high; a three-hour plane journey, the promise of good food and interesting activities is all it takes to convince me. This small volcanic island in the Portuguese Archipelago has been a UNESCO World Heritage site since 1999. It sits on the same latitude as Morocco and has a jaw-dropping airport right on the sea with an amusing statue of Cristiano Ronaldo at its entrance. Madeira’s diverse terrain and unique climate makes it a great venue for outdoor activities, from watersports to mountain

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travel

the retreat

>>> biking, interspersed with gentle nature walks. The capital,

Funchal, is vibrant, cosmopolitan and on the right side of hip. There are plenty of hotels to stay in, however, Hotel Vine’s location is rather unusual; slap bang in the middle of a busy shopping centre, albeit on the top floors. Funchal’s interesting mix of cobbled streets, hand-painted benches and beautiful gardens sit alongside vibrant bars and cafes, Michelin-starred restaurants and foodie markets, where a huge range of fresh produce and scabbardfish are in abundance, if a little ugly to look at.

Come along for the ride

A thrilling speedboat ride to see whales and dolphins is first on the agenda. We bash through choppy seas, reaching a few miles out from the coastline. Pilot whales dip in and out, while a pod of common dolphins dart around the speedboat chasing squid. Our tour operator is respectful, backing away and allowing them to feast in peace. Exhilarated, we dine at Adega da Quinta restaurant, where typical Madeiran food is on the menu. Espetada beef seared on laurel branches arrives on tall skewers, bolo do caco – Madeiran bread – is crunchy and garlicky, poncha, a honey, lemon and sugar cane rum is sipped, and Madeiran wine from its original wine cellar is poured. The next morning, mustering a can-do attitude, I find myself cosseted in an ill-fitting, unglamorous wetsuit above a waterfall, about to abseil down. My group of friends is supportive, aware of my trepidation. Madeira is well known for its fantastic canyoning, which is, essentially, hanging off some rocks while a waterfall hurtles over you. I realise quickly that I need to be aware of the natural obstacles. And, with that first step onto the rocks, all my worries and concerns, not just about this experience, but my life as it stands right now, are eliminated. To be safe is to be mindful of every movement; a slippery piece of moss here, a loose rock there could mean instant injury. But then, before I know it, I’m jumping into a dark pool of water below without a care in the world. Aside from freezing hands, I’m in a kind of rapture. Two hours fly by in a watery haze as our group take turns to descend six

waterfalls, each of us shouting encouragement when needed. An unusual group experience can be incredibly bonding so, over lunch at Abrido Do Pastor, there’s non-stop chatter about our individual takes on canyoning. We welcome the cosy, familyfriendly alpine-style vibe, where hearty stews and scabbardfish are on the menu. Somehow, we need to garner enough energy for an afternoon of mountain biking. Biking trails in Madeira are impressive; there are 150km in total. Pedro, our calm instructor, informs us that we’re about to do a 17km, mostly downhill cycle from Poiso to Santo Serra. So far, the drives around Madeira have left me wondering just how many brake pads a garage gets through in a year, such are the steepness and frequency of hills. I confess, I find anything more than just a casual saunter on a flat road a bit of an ordeal but, with so much remarkable scenery, I ignore the fact that my posterior feels like bone on knives and enjoy the liberating sensation of fresh air hitting my face. The next day, we explore the east of the island in a Jeep, complete with our very own Indiana Jones. We take a walk through one of the many levadas trails, surrounded by laurel trees. At one of the viewpoints, a Madeiran chaffinch joins us, charming us with its song. We come across an oblique-shaped fruit which turns out to be a banana passion fruit; apparently there are more than 500 species of this fruit on the island. The market in Funchal is testament to this, where we try just a small sample of sharp passion fruit, vivid in colour and tempting like sweets. Sadly, a storm sets in rapidly and puts a stop to our excursion. The road becomes impossible for the Jeep to navigate, so we head to Quinta do Furaol restaurant, which has epic views out to sea, and wait for the raging tempest to pass. Storm abated, no visit to Madeira is complete without an exhilarating toboggan ride from Monte Parish down 2km of Madeira’s steepest streets. It’s quite a bizarre tradition, being pushed down a hill in a wicker and wooden basket by two men, but it’s a joyous experience. I leave Madeira ticking a few more things off my list, proud of myself for trying the canyoning. I certainly didn’t think I’d like it as much as I did. Now, where’s that wetsuit?

“I find myself cosseted in an ill-fitting wetsuit above a waterwall, about to abseil down”

l For active tourism in Madeira,

see madeiraallyear.com/en. l The Vine Hotel offers a superior double room with breakfast, from £170 per night. Go to hotelthevine.com/en.

l Jet2 airline flies to Madeira from the

UK from all nine bases during summer

2018, with twice-weekly flights from London Stansted. Flights start from £60 one way, including taxes. To find out more, visit jet2.com.

l Canyoning costs £57 per person with Adventure Kingdom, including all equipment. For more information,

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see madeira-adventure-kingdom.com.

Mountain Expedition Jeep: Book exciting tours at mex.pt.

Mountain biking: Explore spectacular countryside with Ride Madeira. For guided rides and to hire a bike, go to freeridemadeira.com/rent-a-bike.

PHOTOGRAPHS: LEANNE BRACEY; 4CORNERS; GETTY IMAGES

MAGNÍFICO MADEIRA! Enjoy white-knuckle adventure, glorious food and nature at its finest

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travel

the retreat

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT All senses on full alert, Leanne braves the rockface and canyons down a waterfall; a pod of common dolphins darts alongside a speedboat in choppy waters; Madeiran cuisine and good cheer is served up at a local eatery; vibrant Funchal is a mix of cobbled streets, quiet squares and cool bars and cafes; an Adventure Kingdom guide supports the group as they descend six waterfalls; a thrilling Jeep ride precedes a levadas trail walk amid laurel trees; tobogganing down some of Madeira’s steepest streets is a truly unique experience; the rugged volcanic coastline of the island

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travel

the retreat

HOURS

es, I am going directly to jail: from the airport to the west wing of Helsinki prison; my room a refurbished cell, from which only high, impenetrable walls are visible. Katajanokka jail is now a luxury and sleek hotel, a short stroll from the city centre which I am, thankfully, free to explore. Before dinner, I take in the harbour, overlooked by the domed Lutheran cathedral, and lined with stalls selling fish, vegetables and handcrafts. Beside one of the ferry terminals is the sea pool and sauna, where I join Helsinkians who gather there after work to clear their pores and heads in the way Finland is famous for.

Nesting with birds

Tiny windows mean I sleep through the light summer night and am ready for action the following day – in Nuuksio national park, a vast wilderness a mere 40km from the city. Finland calls itself the country of 30,000 lakes and Kattilajärvi (kettle) Lake is where I spend the next few hours canoeing through crystal-clear waters, beside forested shores, stopping on a tiny island to snack on cinnamon buns and Karelian (rice) pasties. We head to Tentsile eco campsite, in the heart of the park, where my bed is in a tent suspended between trees high above the forest floor. I swim in the lake with curious geese, working up an appetite for karistysmakkara (smoked sausages), cooked on an open fire. From my treetop roost, I drift off listening to cuckoos, geese and the squawk of cormorants. The next day, we head to Lake Haukkalampi, where we learn to stand-up paddleboard before sculling out through a cloud of dragonflies to a rock massif, which we climb, stopping for a picnic of salmon, reindeer, cheese and cloudberry relish with rye bread. I glide back across the lake, happy to have done time in Finland.

Lizzie Enfield was a guest of Visit Helsinki and Much Better Adventures, which hosts canoeing, hiking and stand-up paddleboarding weekends in Finland, priced from £450pp. For more information, visit myhelsinki.fi; muchbetteradventures.com

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PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

Helsinki heaven

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Wild and free in Finland Lizzie Enfield languishes in a Helsinkian prison before escaping to the Nuuksio wilderness for lakeside adventures and feasts of reindeer and cloudberries

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r u P o t P GeEE A FR

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explore

the retreat

Mindful yoga breaks This month, our Retreat Editor, founder of Queen of Retreats Caroline Sylger Jones, explains what we should consider when choosing a yoga holiday

yoga and mindfulness holiday can help you tone and energise your body, release pent up stress and anxiety, and reconnect with yourself in a short space of time. There are oodles of them around so, to make sure your money is well spent, pick your retreat with care. Yoga holidays should be easy-going and relaxing. The best are in rejuvenating locations with soothing views, fresh air and plenty of peace. You should be able to have your own room, for which you usually have to pay extra. Access to local walks and closeness to water – a pool, river or the sea – are also attractive options. The best yoga and mindfulness holidays offer effective twice-daily yoga classes, usually an energising yang class in the morning and a more nurturing yin session in the evening. Time is usually set aside for pranayama and meditation, as well as asanas. There should be plenty of space and opportunity for creating, walking, thinking, journalling, sightseeing, if you’re so inclined, or simply relaxing. Access to massage and holistic treatments is a

good idea, to ease your muscles and calm your mind. You’re likely to find that with the removal of so many of life’s distractions , mealtimes become a focus. You should be served delicious, mostly organic food grown on the land. Sometimes fish is an option, but not meat and, in some cases, no dairy products. A cleansing vegetarian diet will support your yoga and its detoxing effect, and a vegan diet promotes ahimsa, the sanctity of all living creatures, an important part of yogic philosophy.

Not a one-size-fits-all approach

The yoga and mindfulness teaching on your retreat can make or break it, so ask questions before booking. You want an inspiring, experienced and ego-free teacher whose method and teaching style suits your taste and character. The best teachers are usually influenced by a range of styles, and will bring their own secret ingredient to classes, as well as knowledge of anatomy to prevent injuries. Overleaf, you’ll find retreats my team and I have reviewed and recommend. Enjoy! ● queenofretreats.com

IF YOU’RE NEW TO YOGA… PHOTOGRAPH: STOCKSY

Use these pointers to help identify your needs ● Try a few classes locally with different teachers before choosing a holiday. ● Feel free to experiment with varying styles as you further your practice. ● Know that most yoga

holidays on the market are aimed at all levels, so the teacher should be skilled at handling a mix of abilities, ensuring everyone feels nurtured and challenged, but never

bored or overstretched. ● Feel at liberty to ask a

yoga teacher about their training before you book, although bear in mind that learning to be a yoga teacher isn’t like training

to be a fitness instructor; as well as qualifications, teachers draw on their life experience and the depth of their own practice. For more ideas, visit queenofretreats.com

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Retreats to restore Queen of Retreats rates and recommends these therapeutic yoga breaks to help get

Care that lasts

REGAIN BALANCE

Silver Island Yoga, Greece

Kali Yoga, Italy & Spain Experience a life-changing retreat in beautiful, backto-nature locations, with hand-picked yoga teachers, homely accommodation, tasty vegetarian food and a team dedicated to rejuvenating you. Pop into yoga classes, unwind with therapeutic treatments and feel deep peace, the benefits of which will linger for months. Reviews queenofretreats.com/retreat/kaliyoga-italy; queenofretreats.com/retreat/kaliyoga-spain ● kaliyoga.com

NURTURED IN LUXURY

ISLE REJUVENATION

Unplug in a gorgeous place

Gentle touch

This beautiful haven offers magical yoga holidays and retreats of a lifetime in an unspoiled, relaxing island setting from mid April to mid October. Come for delicious vegetarian meals, gentle walks, aesthetically pleasing rooms and excellent yoga to bring you peace, abundance, serenity and mindful living. Being off grid allows for an authentic digital detox, too. Review queenofretreats.com/retreat/silver-island ● silverislandyoga.com

MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY

Warm and relaxed

Satvada Retreats, Norfolk

Vale de Moses, Portugal

Wintry long weekends are a dose of deep self-care in a luxury rural setting, where rooms are en suite and solo occupancy comes with a double bed. Accessible, nurturing mindfulness practices and silent morning walks are twinned with super gentle mindful movement, restorative yoga and yoga nidra sessions. Book for 30 November to 3 December 2018 or 18-21 January 2019.

At this gorgeous, laid back and friendly retreat in the stunning mountains of central Portugal, you can practise yoga twice daily, eat delicious veggie and vegan food, walk in uninhabited forests, swim and mud bathe in rivers and restore your body with massage and acupuncture. Some weeks feature workshops on Pilates, Ayurveda and sleep. All abilities welcome.

Review queenofretreats.com/retreat/satvada-retreats-norfolk ● satvada-retreats.co.uk

Review queenofretreats.com/retreat/vale-de-moses ● valedemoses.com

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in partnership with Queen of Retreats

your body and mind you back on track physically and emotionally

FREEDOM TO FOCUS

Far away from it all

Yoga on a Shoestring, Sri Lanka Join Ali Gilling for nourishing yoga and mindfulness on a sun-drenched adventure at the luxurious Sri Devi Villas, set in nature near the turquoise sea on Sri Lanka’s southern coast. Immerse yourself deeply in your practices and open up to new possibilities through your breath, body and mind. Book for 27 October to 3 November or 3-10 November 2018. Review queenofretreats.com/retreat/yoga-on-a-shoestring ● yogaonashoestring.com/all-holidays/mindful-retreat-ali-oct18

INSPIRED BY THE SEA

Wellness and walks

The Cliffs of Moher Retreat, Ireland This clifftop world-class retreat offers a variety of packages that include yoga, meditation, food experiences and coastal hiking. Meals are delicious, mostly using organic produce grown on-site, and there’s a fabulous wellness area for treatments and a stunning, glass-fronted yoga studio with panoramic views of the Atlantic Ocean. Review queenofretreats.com/retreat/cliffs-moher-ireland ● cliffsofmoherretreat.com

LIFT YOUR SPIRIT

Prepare for a new season

My Island Retreats, Ibiza For autumn retreats rooted in spirituality and holistic wellbeing, stay in a beautiful villa with two pools and fragrant grounds, practise yoga in a Mongolian yurt with world-renowned Suzanne Faith, enjoy hikes to stunning spots and indulge in healing treatments. Vegan meals are colourful and delicious. Book for 30 September to 6 October or 21-27 October 2018. Review queenofretreats.com/retreat/island-retreats-ibiza ● myislandretreats.com

FEEL ON TOP THE WORLD

Fitness and joy

AdventureYogi, worldwide This long-established company offers yoga holidays for fun-loving people in inspiring destinations all over the world – ideal for beginner and intermediate yogis seeking relaxation. Mix well-taught yoga with activities such as skiing, surfing, hiking and diving, as well as detoxing and general wellness. Food is super tasty, healthy and usually vegetarian, with some fish included. Review queenofretreats.com/retreat/adventureyogi-retreats ● adventureyogi.com

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living

the retreat

THIS PAGE: The off-white colour palette of this living room is warmed up with natural wood tones. The circular motifs are inspired by the rings visible on bisected tree trunks. showing the passing of time

RIGHT: A casual arrangement of plants, pots, finds from the outdoors displayed in bowls and souvenir prints creates an eclectic and natural feel, rather than a deliberately contrived and neat result

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The natural world

You can find inspiration for decorating a home wherever you are – spend some time outdoors and see how nature does it PHOTOGRAPHS NGOC MINH NGO EDITED BY DANIELLE WOODWARD

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Fill a glass display cabinet with mismatched crockery, piled up neatly to be easy on the eye, and use it as a home for one-off unusual finds, too, arranged on the top shelf to make the most of the space

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uthor of new book Design By Nature, Erica Tanov, grew up in California, and her love for the outdoors was ignited by going on hikes with her family: ‘Being surrounded by the majestic trees and fragrances of the forest filled me with awe. Nature can inspire me literally or abstractly, with the dense shades of overlapping foliage appearing as a colour scheme.’ Part of Tanov’s style is to be ‘imperfect’: as she says, ‘I steer away from anything too manicured and prefer to create beautiful, relaxed spaces by embracing objects with their imperfections.’ This makes for an accessible way to bring life to your living space, echoing the wild freedom of the natural world – so tune into the objects you are drawn to, and decorate with those you feel really speak to you.

‘Design By Nature’ by Erica Tanov (Ten Speed Press, £30)

The aged leather of the chairs from Swiss designer Kurt Thut are similar to the cracking knots in dried-out wood, while the irregular diamond pattern of the shag rug resembles the bark of an oak tree

living

the retreat

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Nestling small mementoes among books breaks up the monotony of a typical bookcase. Placing items of varying shapes and heights asymmetrically keeps the look relaxed and interesting

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living

the retreat Textile art framed picture, £120, KOColourArt at Etsy

Vintage 1960s teak and glass cabinet, from a selection, Vinterior

Sitting Buddha tealight holder, £8, B&Q Linea trinket box, £8, House of Fraser

Agate stone bookends, £60, Oliver Bonas

Trust your instincts

Cult Living Hampton love seat, £449, Cult Furniture Tall faux monstera plant and pot, £235, Sweetpea & Willow

BELOW Scala Spot cushion, £42, The French Bedroom Company

Reader offer

Psychologies readers can buy a copy of Design By Nature (RRP £30) for the special price of £22.50, plus postage and packaging.* To order, call 01273 488005 or visit thegmcgroup.com and quote reference R5354.

POSTAGE AND PACKAGING IS £2.95 FOR THE FIRST ITEM AND £1.95 FOR ADDITIONAL ITEMS. OFFER CLOSES ON 30 NOVEMBER 2018. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 127

Barcelona velvet wall hanging, £165, Oh What’s This

RIGHT Lene Bjerre Novia cushion, £70, Sweetpea & Willow

Bultfontein candlestick set, £94.99, Wayfair; trinket pot, £10, Dunelm

Corsair vintage leather car-style chair, £1,198, Artisanti

Far from being a ‘how to’ book, Design By Nature shows how by listening to your needs and surrounding yourself with objects you love that mean something to you, you will create a beautiful home. Tanov says: ‘My wish is for you to find inspiration in what’s around you.’ So, open your eyes a bit wider, take that different path and see where it leads you. Look out for pieces that remind you of natural beauty, bring elements of nature indoors and opt for soft, muted tones that work well together.

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feasting

the retreat

Salads reinvented

Say goodbye to limp lettuce and dull flavours, the inspirational ideas in Salad Feasts are all about full-on taste and satisfaction – it’s time to recreate the summer staple

RECIPES JESSICA ELLIOTT DENNISON PHOTOGRAPHS MATT RUSSELL EDITED BY DANIELLE WOODWARD

he subtitle of Salad Feasts is ‘how

simple formula to follow when creating a

to assemble the perfect meal’,

salad: pick your leading vegetables, plus

and it’s encouraging to know it is

a filling base (noodles, rice, couscous), add

possible to make a hearty salad, with fresh,

interesting contrast (a tangy pickle, bitter

tasty ingredients that will truly satisfy your

leaf), plus crunch and texture (seeds,

appetite, and with minimal effort.

croutons), and a memorable dressing

As author Jessica Elliott Dennison says,

equals a delicious meal. With a guide to

‘Assemble was the word that kept coming

everything from cheese and yogurt, grains

to mind; taking a few good ingredients

and veg to easy-to-make dressings, there’s

and tumbling them onto a sharing platter,

everything you need to make the most of

without complicated techniques or

al fresco feasting while the sun shines.

hard-to-find ingredients.’ She sees it as a

‘Salad Feasts’ (Hardie Grant, £16.99) is out now

CRISPY LAMB + POPPADOM CARROTS This dish is full of great textural contrasts: crunchy poppadoms, smooth, cooling yogurt, creamy chickpeas and aromatic spiced lamb; all of which are brought to life with pink pickled onion and a big dollop of mango chutney. SERVES 4

4 carrots (a variety of colours is nice if you can get them)

½ red onion

2 limes

6 small poppadoms

300g minced lamb (around 15-20

100g radishes, finely sliced

400g tin chickpeas in water,

per cent fat)

rinsed and drained

1 tsp mustard seeds

1½ tsp ground cumin

Small bunch (20g) coriander

1 tsp ground coriander

2½ tsp olive oil

¼ tsp ground cinnamon

1 tsp honey

½-1 tsp chilli flakes (depending

20g fresh ginger, peeled

on how spicy you like it)

150g natural yogurt

¼ tsp sea salt flakes

70g mango chutney

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1 First, peel the onion, slice into half-moons as finely as you can – a mandolin is handy for this – then place in a small bowl. Squeeze in the juice of 1 lime, then set aside to lightly pickle. 2 Next, put a large frying pan over a high heat. Add the lamb and mustard seeds and cook for 5-6 minutes until caramelised. Reduce the heat to low. Add the ground cumin, coriander and cinnamon, chilli flakes and salt, then cook for a minute. Turn off the heat, but leave the pan on the hob so the lamb stays warm. 3 Top, tail and peel the carrots then shave ribbon lengths (stop once it gets too hard to peel the core) and transfer to a platter. Roughly crush 2 of the poppadoms and scatter them over the carrots along with the radishes and chickpeas. Pick over the coriander leaves. 4 At this stage, the onion should be bright pink and nicely pickled. Add the oil and honey to the bowl. Finely grate the ginger, then squeeze in the juice (discard the grated root). Stir to combine. 5 To assemble, scatter the onion over the carrots and gently toss with your hands, ensuring all the vegetables are coated in dressing (squeeze in more lime if it feels too dry). Spoon over the warm crispy lamb to finish, then serve with the rest of the poppadoms, yogurt, mango chutney and wedges of the remaining lime. >>>

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feasting

the retreat

>>>

STICKY TOMATO + OLIVE AUBERGINES The method for this salad is so simple, you can’t go wrong. It pays to take the time to really brown the aubergines, allowing them to pick up a nice colour and go silky soft in the centre. SERVES 4 l

2 firm aubergines (500g)

90ml olive oil

1 red onion

2 garlic cloves

2 tbsp capers, drained

400g tin chopped tomatoes

30g sultanas

1½ tbsp red wine vinegar

50g pitted olives (any colour, drained weight)

50g wild rocket

Small bunch (20g) flat-leaf parsley

Small bunch (15g) basil

l l

½³ lemon 4 slices sourdough bread (300g)

1 Heat a large frying pan over a high heat while you cut the aubergines into large chunks (roughly 2.5cm). Add most of the oil to the pan along with the aubergine chunks and cook for 5-6 minutes until golden and beginning to darken on all sides. 2 Meanwhile, peel and halve the onion then slice into thin half-moons. Peel the garlic and slice into thin slivers. Add the remaining oil to the aubergine pan and reduce the heat to low, then fry the onion for 3 minutes until beginning to soften. Add the garlic and cook for a further 2 minutes, taking care to not burn the garlic. 3 Add the capers to the pan along with the tomatoes, sultanas,

vinegar, olives and a few splashes of water. Increase the heat to high, pop on a lid and cook for 7-10 minutes or until the aubergine is soft in the centre (keep an eye on the pan and add a few more splashes of water if it’s looking too dry). Remove from the heat and allow to cool to room temperature. Keep in the fridge if you’re making a day or two ahead. 4 When you’re ready to serve, wash the rocket in a basin of cold water to freshen the leaves, pat dry and place in a large mixing bowl. Tear in the herbs, discarding the stalks, squeeze over the lemon and gently toss. Toast the bread, then divide between four plates or a large serving board, as pictured. Smear over the aubergines then top with the lemony rocket.

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Reader offer

Psychologies readers can buy Salad Feasts: How To Assemble The Perfect Meal for the special price of £14.99, including postage and packing (RRP £16.99), by calling 01256 302699 and quoting the reference QM8.

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SWEETCORN, LIME + CHILLI FRITTERS The key to fab fritters is bravery when frying. Test that your oil is hot and bubbling with a pinch of mixture, then fry the fritters for a few minutes on one side before turning to keep them intact, and allowing them to develop a golden, crispy exterior. Any broken fritters can be squidged back together. MAKES 8 ●

280g tinned sweetcorn (drained weight)

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1 lime

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6 spring onions

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1-2 red chillies

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3 tbsp plain flour

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2 eggs

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150ml vegetable or rapeseed oil

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¼ tsp sea salt flakes

1 First, drain the sweetcorn in

a colander then place in a large

mixing bowl. Zest the lime, finely shred the spring onions and chillies and add them to the bowl along with the flour. Crack in the eggs, then whisk with a fork in one side of the bowl. Stir to combine the mixture, then shape into 8 fritters. 2 Warm the oil in a large frying pan over a medium-high heat and line a few plates with kitchen paper. After a few minutes, test the oil is hot enough by adding a pinch of the fritter mixture to

the pan. If it sizzles and bubbles, you are ready for frying. Gently place the fritters in the pan (lay them away from you) and cook for 3-4 minutes on each side until golden and crisp. 3 Using a slotted spoon, transfer the fritters to the lined plates, allowing the kitchen paper to soak up any excess oil. Sprinkle over the salt, cut the lime into wedges, place alongside the fritters on a serving dish and enjoy.

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feasting

the retreat Enjoy a refreshing drink. Sparkling coconut water, Jax Coco

Grow herbs on your windowsill. Rig Tig by Stelton herb planter, from a selection, The Design Gift Shop

Serve salad in a vibrant dish. Orla Kiely bowl, £8, Wild & Wolf

Drizzle over greens. Rosendahl Grand Cru oil pourer (left), £33.95; LSA vinegar/oil bottle, £27, both Black By Design

Go for quality. World of Flavours olive wood salad servers, £15.95, Kitchen Craft

Choose a summery design. Garden birds tea towel, £10, Emma Bridgewater

Choose tasty accompaniments. From left: Mary Berry Mango, Lime & Chilli Dressing, £3, Tesco; Honey Mustard, £4.95, Liberty London; Super Dense Raspberry Balsamic Glaze, £10.75, Seggiano

FRESH AND CRISP

On hot, sultry days, our bodies crave cool, lighter meals to refresh and refuel. Salads are ideal; pile up a rainbow of crunchy veg on your plate, adding protein with marinated and cooked meat, fish, cheese, Quorn or tofu. Make a simple dressing by mixing olive oil, balsamic vinegar and lemon juice; try infused oils, such as chilli and garlic, for an added kick. Fresh herbs can add an extra flavour dimension; sprinkle coriander for an oriental salad, or basil over mozzarella and tomatoes for a classic Mediterranean dish. Fruit also works well; try pear and walnut with blue cheese, watermelon and feta with avocado, kale and pecorino. Enjoy!

These books will help you fall in love with veg this summer

1 Big Salads: The Ultimate Fresh, Satisfying Meal On One Plate by Kat Mead (Quadrille, £16.99) 2 Happy Food: How Eating Well Can Lift Your Mood And Bring You Joy by Niklas Ekstedt (Absolute Press, £19.99) 3 Spring And Summer Cooking With A Veg Box by Guy Watson (Riverford Organic, £12.99) 4 Salad For President by Julia Sherman (Abrams, £26.99)

126 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8

Blogger spotlight

Mandy Mazliah is on a mission to make us love veg. With inventive ways to disguise veg if cooking for kids, to easy meals with maximum flavour, her blogs are bursting with fresh, delicious ideas. Visit cookveggielicious. com to discover recipes, such as ‘Kale and chickpea orzo pasta salad’, and ‘Warm celeriac salad with chestnuts and blueberries’. Stop by sneakyveg.com for inspiration on cooking veg for families; try the ‘Potato and quinoa veggie burgers’ and ‘Summer vegetable pilau’ – great for eating al fresco.

PHOTOGRAPH: MELANIE DEFAZIO/STOCKSY. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE OPPOSITE

Celebrate the salad!

Pretty veg. Cuisinepro Pete Evans spiraliser, from a selection, House

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