12 minute read
A VACCINE FOR GRIEF
THIS IS THE FIRST INSTALLMENT IN A SERIES ON GRIEF WRITTEN BY SHAUNA CALDWELL (WITH G. NEIL PARKER). SHAUNA LOST HER SONS IN AN ACCIDENT ON FEBRUARY 6, 2016. HER AIM IS TO BE AUTHENTIC IN THE GRIEF JOURNEY, SHARING HOW HER FAITH IN JESUS IS CARRYING HER THROUGH. THE WORD OF GOD HAS INFORMED HER HEART AS SHE HAS DESPERATELY SOUGHT GOD’S PEACE IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM.
The deaths of our seventeen-year-old identical twin sons seemed to parallel their births. Jordan and Evan arrived and departed from this world side-byside, only moments apart.
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After a Friday evening youth group event, eight boys hatched a plan for a late-night “adventure” at Calgary’s Olympic bobsled track. Under the cloak of darkness, the boys would meet up secretly for a hi-jinx sledding escapade down the bobsled track.
The decision to have some unrestrained fun with friends turned into a deadly tragedy. Their adolescent frontal lobes did not fully appreciate the risks or danger. As they hurtled down the track, they did not realize that a death trap awaited them. Halfway down, an immoveable steel barrier instantly took the lives of our sons and critically injured others.
These were the events we pieced together for the coroner on February 6, 2016. Since then, I have attempted to piece together my life.
We awoke on that Saturday morning with a strange quiet in our home. Over the days, drifting into months, the silence gave way to a numbing existence. How could our precious sons be dead? Everybody knew that Jordan and Evan were full of life – with a capital L! Reminders of their lives were inescapably in my face, and the barrage of images was an assault to my senses. If there had been a way to crawl out of my own skin to escape, I would have done it!
On that day, an unwelcome houseguest barged through our front door, violating our personal space. It overstayed its welcome and left a mess everywhere. In the lucid moments during this disorienting fog, I discovered its name: Grief.
Discovery through grief
I wish I had a vaccine that would protect people from grief, but I do not. Upon reflection, though, I would not want to. I have come to appreciate how very important it is not to waste pain. Pain on this scale can “make” people even though it seems designed to “break” them.
I’m weaning myself off the need to feel comfortable. Instead, I’ve discovered more about myself and my God through my grief — and I continue to learn every day. It is not easy, as anyone in grief will tell you.
I’m very slowly exchanging comfort for character. Christlike character doesn’t come easily, nor is it cheap. I wouldn’t want to be inoculated from grief because I’ve discovered something profoundly encouraging. God is deeper still! Don’t waste your pain; it will make you stronger as you companion with God.
Hard work ahead
Whether you are knocked-back by a death, illness, divorce, separation, loss of employment or financial hardship, your identity takes a hit. Passing by a shop window, I stopped cold, startled by my own reflection. Who is that stranger looking so tired, numb and distressed? Has this also happened to you?
Picking one’s way through grief is a humbling and perplexing time of self-discovery. Loss strips us down. It leaves a person wondering, “who is that in the window?” During this past year of COVID, many have experienced what the Harvard Business Review captured in an article title: That strange feeling you’re experiencing? It’s grief!
If you can identify that the strange feeling you are experiencing is grief, it will allow you to move forward. I first discovered these “strange feelings” of grief a few weeks after the tragic accident. I was in the grocery store filling a bag with lots of apples. I froze as I realized that I didn’t need all these apples anymore. The boys weren’t there to eat them. I fled from the store in tears.
What I can offer you is my brokenness and my hope in the risen Christ. I’ve learned that when you are in a fog — though you can’t see your way — you can follow a voice. I hope that these articles give ear to that voice: the voice of a loving Father who desires you to move from being made in his image to also becoming like Christ. I write to help you to hear comfort, companionship, love, purpose, meaning and hope.
Is anyone crying for help? GOD is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you’ll find GOD right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. Disciples so often get into trouble; still, GOD is there every time. Psalm 34:1719 MSG
How to cope
Grief is overwhelming. Perhaps a simple equation can illustrate what is happening in your life:
LOSSES + CHANGE = GRIEF
Can I suggest you grab a cup of coffee and “sit with your grief”? Permit yourself to embrace your pain. It’s your companion, so it is best to get to know your grief. Write down the losses and changes you have been experiencing. Let the list be exhaustive. It may surprise you how they add up! Now
write down the feelings you have associated with each loss or change. I’ve felt overwhelmed, numb, anxious, angry, afraid, tentative, depressed.
The journey ahead involves navigating the losses and changes you’ve identified along with their accompanying emotions. Many experts have compartmentalized the grief process into a tidy series of steps: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. In my personal experience, the journey is far from linear. It is an erratic jumble of tangled, messy missteps.
In this series of articles, we will honour the slow, plodding, and arduous grieving journey. It is hard work but vital for your restoration. We will sift through the rubble together.
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27: 13 -14 NIV
Over time you will get your life back — though it will not be the same life. Grief knocked out all my navigational systems: physically, emotionally, psychologically, relationally and spiritually. As other’s lives resumed normalcy, I had lost the normal rhythms of my days. I didn’t realize how much these rhythms had given stability to life. My grief-emotions became my companions and negatively governed my life. It was like walking in waist-deep Jell-O with every step. It was exhausting. So what can a person do?
Your body
Take care of yourself. It’s easy to either forget to eat or eat too much. Though everything is hard, neglecting your health does not help. Try to eat well, keep hydrated, exercise with a regular walk and get a good sleep. I encourage you to contact your doctor for help if you are struggling. It may be helpful to have some medication or a referral to deal with your specific needs and concerns. Ask for support rather than suffering in silence, hoping someone will reach out to you. Slowly reintroduce routines and structure in your day. Self-care sets you up for feeling better both emotionally and physically. At the same time, be a grace receiver and accept days when you have reduced capacity to function. It’s one step at a time.
Your mind
I have found it is an ongoing effort to focus my thought-life. What is feeding my thoughts? Is it the news? Turn it off! Do I spend more time on Facebook than having my face in The Book? What “voice” am I listening to? What feeds me?
I love you, GOD — you make me strong. GOD is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. My God—the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout. Psalm 18:1-2 MSG
Your spirit
“When a train goes through a dark tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.” These words by Corrie Ten Boom, a WWII concentration camp survivor, spoke a truth that helped me cope. I asked big questions: Who am I? Where was/is God? What purpose do I have? Who really cares about what I’m going through? I also asked a lot of why questions without answers. I felt alone.
Grief is not your only companion, though it seems like it some days. When our boys died, I purposed in my heart to trust the Engineer – through the dark tunnels and the intense emotions ahead - even on the days that I did not understand or feel anything. Now when I look again at the reflection, I realize that Someone is standing beside me. Jesus.
Through this series, I hope you will relate to some aspects of my story, and it can be a Spirit connection to bring some comfort, resolution, and assurance as you accept, process, adjust and move into a new normal in your life.
SHAUNA CALDWELL lives in Calgary with Jason, her husband of 26 years. In one calendar year, they were gifted with three children – Katie, Jordan and Evan. Parenting “Irish triplets” provided opportunity to learn to cling to Christ for needed daily strength. Katie is now a medical school student. Shauna’s twins graduated to heaven in 2016, after a dreadfully public accident. The Caldwells own a small IT company. Shauna serves on two boards: Cornerbend Ministries and Youth for Christ. Shauna is grateful to her Uncle, G. Neil Parker, for his significant editorial assistance with her writing.
UPDATE ON MULTIPLY’S GENERAL DIRECTOR TRANSITION
Dear MB pastors and leaders across the U.S. and Canada, we greatly appreciate the opportunity to work together with you in taking the good news of Jesus to the ends of the earth.
As you are aware, a new Multiply board was installed at the end of 2020. When we began, we didn't know each other but came together committed to one goal; to serve Multiply to the best of our ability. For the past 5 months we have endeavored to understand more about God’s heart for Multiply and all the various aspects of our role including the implementation of recommendations that the Task Force presented last year. Prior to making decisions, we have committed to pray over our meetings, do the necessary research, and take adequate time. In light of that, I want to update you on two actions the Board is taking toward implementing the Task Force recommendations in the area of ‘Leadership’. First, we are announcing that our search process for a new General Director is now public with an application deadline of Friday, April 23, 2021.
We are looking for a leader with a vibrant, Spirit-filled life to take on the role of General Director for our organization and to serve as the most senior officer and principal spiritual leader. A committed servant leader with cross-cultural intelligence, global mission and disciple-making experience, who fosters healthy stakeholder relationships with authenticity, inspiration, integrity, wisdom and humility. The General Director we are seeking has strong organizational and strategic leadership gifts as well as solid business acumen and a deep appreciation for the power of networks and interdependence. The life of this leader demonstrates a strong commitment to Jesus, God’s Word, listening prayer and the ability to disciple others as followers of Christ through engaging and shepherding leadership. If you, or someone you know, may be this person, then please read our posting for this position at multiply.net/GD. Secondly, we have agreed that now is the right time for Randy to finish his transition role as General Director and that his many years of service with Multiply will end, as of April 15. The board and Randy recognize the need for a clean transition process that allows the new General Director to orient well to the Multiply family without distraction. Vic Wiens, one of our veteran missionaries and ICOMB Liaison, will provide interim coordination to the Exec Team and serve as a liaison to the Multiply board. In this regard, Randy has expressed the following thoughts: “It has been an incredible privilege to serve the MB family and Multiply in global mission over the past 31 years, including the past 17 years as General Director of Multiply. Together, we have mobilized thousands into discipleship training programs, resourced new church planting locations, and equipped local churches to partner in mission. I want to thank the incredible team of Multiply staff, board, missionaries and national partners for their support, dedication and example to me of what it means to “live on mission”. I also want to thank our MB church family in North America and ICOMB for your ongoing investment in mission through sending, receiving, praying and giving! The best is yet to come!” - Randy Friesen
On behalf of the Multiply Board I want to express our gratitude for Randy’s posture during this transition time. Randy’s commitment to walk in submission to the Lord and the authority of the conferences, in addition to his godly character, has been an example for us all. We want to commend Randy for an extraordinary career spent investing in the lives of countless people around the world. We pray that the next season in Randy’s ministry will continue to be one of increased fruitfulness.
The Board is continuing to walk out the Task Force recommendations in ways that honor God, and strengthens the foundation for the continued growth of church planting and mission partnership. We are grateful for how our partners and churches have continued to actively support the work of mission and that more people are coming to know Jesus. The organization is fruitful, stable and in a good financial position moving forward.
Please continue to be in prayer with us and for us, so that together, we may see disciples growing, churches multiplying, communities transformed and nations impacted with the Good News of Jesus.
David MacLean Board Chair, MULTIPLY Network
Please join us on Sunday, April 11 to celebrate what God has done over the last 31 years Randy Friesen has served the MB family. In this 1-hour online event, you'll hear many voices reflecting with Randy on the past 3 decades as distinct ‘chapters’ of his ministry and blessing his transition into what God has for him next.
How you can be involved: We will be creating a “Book of Memories” for Randy with the written messages you post in the Zoom “Chat” during the event. The chat section will be reserved as a place to receive your submissions and not for ‘live commentary’. Randy would treasure a word from you and be blessed by your presence on the call. Will you save the date?
