The McGill Tribune Vol. 07 Issue 24

Tuesday, March 29, 1988

Volume 7, Issue 24

Published by the Students' Society of McGill University

DANNY BU STE

BUGS FOR B\ R E K K IE :

PAGE 7

Cerarogaster

tasciaia

R E S ID E N T S SAY “GROSS ME OUT THE DOOR” PAGES 6,7

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HIGHWAY TRAGEDY CLAIMS FOURTEEN

éIÉË

Persian Gulf: A m ess

Happy as a lark in February, Daniel T enenbaum now faces charge.

McGILL FILM SOCIETY 398-6825

PAGE 4

Wednesday, Mar30

Thursday, Mar31

BUSTER KEATON NIGHT

SEVEN YEAR ITCH

8:00p.m. F.D.A.A.

8:00p.m.

LeacocK 132

W e d n e s d a y s - a d m is s io n f re e

-ADMISSION:

$2.50

A ll organizations wishing to c o ­ sponsor events with the M cG ill Film Society next ye ar should contact us before April 15th, I 960.

(MEMBERS $1.00)-

Close encounters for Gîranny on her One-hundred and sixteen. One of those really fun birth­ days.

With Granny’s big day only a few weeks away, I was still struggling for the perfect gift. I was ready to concede that there is simply nothing good enough for such a pre­ cariously ill old woman who had so generously made me the principle benefactor of her hefty will. Suddenly the phone rang and it was my old Airforce buddy, Gunner Grindstone, and wouldn’t ya know it, he had an extra pass for a free weekend of Red Beret Combat and Instructional Survival Course. Just the thing for Granny, I thought.

This would be so much fun, I wanted to keep it a big secret until the last possible moment. First we had to catch a flight from Montreal to Edmonton and I graciously bought extra insurance for my beloved birthday girl. We blindfolded Granny at the airport and spun her around thirty or forty times in a luggage cart so she could enjoy the suspense.

Oops, I forgot to tell customs officials about granny’s pacemaker and wouldn’t ya know it, it plum stopped in the metal detector. Luckily, Granny fell onto an electro­ magnetic detector which miraculously started the ol’ ticker

1 1 6

iiiiijiiiilili O FF DER W A LL I C O M BA T SURVIVAL: GRANNY GETS HER BO O TS up again with a soft zap of 40,000 volts.

The fun just never stopped as we caught another flight from Edmonton to friendly Cold Lake, Alberta, home of the Red Beret Combat and Instructional Survival School. As an extra surprise, we parachuted Granny into the Combat zone from a special ejection seat in the F-16 that Gunner had “borrowed” for the day. To add to the excitement, Granny was still blindfolded and ooooh was it a thrill for her.

Granny was still shrieking with delight when we found

th dream b-day

her neck deep in slimy tar sands - an experience few people of her age ever get to experience. She increased her cheering and frenzied enthusiasm when we explained the nature of her birthday surprise in full.

Granny was given the prestigious honour of full soldier privileges for the whole day. That meant complete training which includes: four mile, full gear obstacle course with liv amunition dodging; bear hunt with bare hands test; and he favorite target practice with semi-automatic defence rifles.

Granny must have gotten a little carried away with the thril of the last event because she accidentally got spun arounc and fired off fifty rounds in the direction of Gunner and myself.

At the end of the party, Granny was presented with a special pair of army boots and to this day my friends continue to remind me that she has the prestige of wearing them.

The excitement must have been just a bit too much fun for Granny though - she continued her uncontrollable shouts of joy for weeks afterward. All in all Granny lived through the most unforgettable experience of her life.

Other that that, the survival expedition was a great success.

YOU THINK What’s Goin’ Down SO YOU’VE HAD A Tuesday

•Symposium Human Rights, De­ velopment and Foreign Policy: Ca­ nadian Perspectives. Contact David Gillis, CDAS, 398-4887.

Today and tomorrow, Montreal Amateur Athletic Association, 2070 Peel, 9am-5pm •Tuesday Night Café Theatre presents At Night the Children Will Play, $3 students/seniors, $4 oth­ ers, 398-6600 for reservations.

Morrice Hall Theatre, 8pm Today thru Thursday.

•Rencontre spéciale pour toute personne intéressée à participer a ctive m e n t à M cG ill-Q uébec l’année prochaine. Il et encore temps de poser sa canditature pour les elections de jeudi. Local 402, Centre Universitaire, 16h00

• McGill Centre for Research and Trainming on Women

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 1988 MONTREAL DAILY SNEWS

Celebrate victory and cerebrate plans. Info 398-6746. Faculty Club Ballroom, 4-6pm CM •Inter-Group Liaison meeting, all welcome. Newman Centre, 3484 Peel, 4-6pm

•QPIRG

Organizing

Club

weekly meeting, all welcome, join this week to elect Interim Board of

Directors for the summer term, nominations close at the beginning of the meeting. Union 302, 5pm •ContEd Language Courses clas­ sification tests for French, call 3986160. 7pm •Amnesty International letter writing meeting for new and old members. Union 425, 7pm •McGill New Age Society or­ ganizational meeting. Contact Cur­ tis, 274-1012, for location, 7:30pm •Slide Presentation Robert del Tredici’s “At Work in the Fields of the Bomb” presented by Social Jus­ tice Committee of Montreal. Dona­ tion at the door. 2338 St-Antoine W., métro Georges-Vanier, 7:30pm •OMAF Lecture “Student Experi­ ences with the Immunization Sys­ tem in Ethiopia” Meakins Lecture Theatrre, McIntyre Med. Bldg.,

Wednesday •Liberal McGill meeting & execu­ tive elections, Arts Council Room, 5pm •ContEd Language Courses clas­ sification tests for French, call 3986160. 7pm

Thursday

•McGill-Québec Elections et dégustation gratuite de tartes aux fruits à la française, membres seulement. Venez en grande nombre nous avons besoin de quorum. Local B09-B10, Centre Universitaire, 16h30 à 17h30

Friday •Improv Debating this and every friday (except thisfriday’s a holiday, so maybe not) Arts 270, 3pm

TOUGH DAY...

M ary Anderson. a History student at McGill, found out it's not a very nice world out ffiere.

First, she had two e x a m s y e ste r­ day.

Then, her prof in British History

a ssig n e d

three more chapters to

a lre a d y b e en taken out!

read.

Her d a y got even worse when she had to stand in the photocpy line for ten minutes.

She h as m a n ­ a g e d to take it all in stride. "O h , well.' she said.

If th a t w a sn 't enough, she went to the reserves in R e d p a th and found out the text she w anted had

Saturday •Nuthin

Sunday •Worship St Martha’s in the Base­ ment, Info: 398-4104.3521 Univer­ sity, 10:30am

Monday •Bible Study Discussion Group Info: 398-4104. Neman Centre, 1:30pm

Tough Time Teddy

BAD N EW S

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Verdun

GETTING THERE/ The Daily Snews traffic report /

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A

HIGHWAY RAMPAGE o

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S la u g h te r s

by Janet Gorge Montreal Daily Snews

Late last night on Highway 20 be­ tween Dorval and Pointe Claire, a

worked on water mains. Motorists were rerouted to Sherbrooke Street.

Guillaume Descehnes told us the work was “successful.”

F irefighter bravery in the West Island

t 1 4

thoroughfare

Wayne, who wit­ nessed the tragedy from behind in her 1972 Volkswagen Beetle.

According to Wayne, Todd delib­ erately drove in the direction of the frogs, who were plentiful on the road thanks to a recent rainstorm.

Questioned by the Daily Snews, Todd snarled at this reporter and mut­ tered “Reagan told me to do it.”

There is some question as to whether Todd was referring to the

President of the United States or to his pet cat, Re­ agan.

Despite his murderous voyaae. Todd will not be charged.

An MUC spokesperson in­ formed our news department that frogslaughter was repealed from the Criminal Code of Canada during the Trudeau years in what the spokes­ person called “a blind fit of liberal­ ism.”

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Milton Street, between Hutchison and Park, was closed to traffic for an hour yesterday while city crews

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MONTREAL DAILY SNEWS TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 1988

m ild -m a n n e re d Montreal business­ man suddenly went bonkers.

The motorist, 39 year-old Kermit T. Todd, swerved back and forth be­ tween the lanes like a madman, killing fourteen frogs in the process.

“He seem ed p o sse sse d !” ex­ claimed 74 year-old widow E lsie E.

named historic dump

Biff Zegarchuk, a firefighter with the Baie d’Urfee detachment, showed valour above and beyond the call of Manhunt: police seek suspect duty when he made a rescue from a Police are seeking an 82 year-old precarious height on Sunday. Joey male suspect in connection with a Smith, a 7 year-old citizen, was over­ jaywalking incident at the comer of flowing with praise for Zegarchuk, who Ste-Catherine and Peel on Saturday rescued Joey’s hamster from a tower­ afternoon. Witnesses say the man ing oak tree in the Smith’s yard. “He barged across the street while the little was real good,” Smith stated. orange hand was lit. Police gave chase and fired two shots but the man escaped Major repairs on downtown into a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts.

C ity M

Guy Paupadopalaus, a spokes­ person for the Doré administration, announced yesterday that the munici­ pal dump in Verdun wouldbenamedan historic site. Guy told us, “The dump has ben an integral part of the lifestyle of the community and should be pre­ served.” City Hall is presently haggling over whether to name the dump after former mayor Jean Drapeau or hockey great Gaston Gingras.

GJ

W ORLD W ATCH

BEAVER BEARS Bute, Montana (FU) Scientists have announced that they have successfully breeded a beaver and a bear. Three cuddly little “beers” have been tagged and a movie deal is in the works.

Mulroney adamant on language issue: T o u g h ta lk m a k e s h e a d s t u r n

by Ellie Moron Montreal Daily Snews B eaver bears at the O lym pics.

W O R LD MANAGUA - (BB) The war in Nicragua continued yesterday.

BELFAST - (FU) The war in Northern Irela nd co ntin ue d y e s te rd a y .

Some shots were fired.

N EW S TEHERAN (BS) The war in Iran and Iraq continued yes­ terday. Some shots were fired. Some people were killed.

JERUSALEM - (BO) The war on the West Bank continued yester­ day. Some shots were fired. Some people were killed. Some politician said it wasn’t nice.

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 1988 MONTREAL DAILY SNEWS

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Mulroney is not one to mince words.

“I’m mad as heck and I’m not going to take it anymore,” stated home­ maker, mother, fashion goddess, car repair expert and Prime Minister’s wife Mila Mulroney.

She was speaking at her most re­ cent press conference, where she stunned reporters with her strong­ est speech since she spoke out on pit bull terriers, calling the dogs “nasty.”

“Pscpis should be able to speak either french or english and get services in whichever language they please, no matter where they are,” said Mulroney. "It’s only fair,” she added.

Mila wore a smart red sportscoat to the press conference, topping it off with pearls, a white cotton blouse and a Princesss Diana hat. She looked nice.

Knowlton Nash, eminent TV jour­

nalist, told the Daily Snews, “She was pretty tough out there. At least, that’s what the teleprompter told me.”

Nash commented that his favourite statement was when she said “Why can't people just co-operate and be nice to one another? The world would be so much nicer.” Nash was awed by the brilliance and original­ ity of her remarks.

The Daily Snews contacted the Mulroney house at 24 Sussex Drive in Ottawa, Ontario. Bri answered the phone in his congenial way “Hallo, Mila’s offico.”

When told that we wanted his opin­ ion on the language issue, Mu­ lroney was overwhelmed.

"Shucks, guys, it’s really keen that you want to know what I think. And I’ll tell you - I stand firmly behind Mila on this very, very important issue.”

Asked to elaborate, the PM said, “Uh, you want to talk to my wife, eh?”

Sex study b ird s I n

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Daily Snews American Desk WASHINGTON - (VD) President Ronald Reagan gave his President’s Award Friday to two g overnm ent a ge ncies fo r a $437,000 study that found the sex­ ual performance of Japanese quail improved with practice.

"The project gives new meaning to bird watching,” Reagan said of the study, Learning and Reproduc­ tive Behavior.

The research concluded that a peeping tom quail was much more interested in watching a female

YOUR O P IN IO N Sucks! T he M on trai D aily Snew s w ants your letter anyw ays. W e reserve the right to ed it letters for speling, gram m er; length, content, id eas, or ju st on a w him Letters sh ou ld be in big print and easy to read. N o big w ord s allow ed

for

r e s e a

r c h

the e r s

quail - dead or alive - than in looking at another male or even a female duck.

The prez pesents the award each month to recognize what he consid­ ers an incredibly efficient utilization of taxpayers’ hard-earned money.

Jock Reni, a spokesman for the National Science Foundation, praised the study and recalled simi­ lar laurels several years ago when a government agency was research­ ing the sex life of the screwworm fly.

The findings enabled scientists to stop the fly from destroying herds of politicians.

P e rsia n Gulf a m ess THE GULF (FU) - A tangle of boats, planes and speeding bullets have made the gulf a "mess”, according to a spokes­ person.

Reagan and Gorby to meet WASHINGTON (FU) The White House announced today that nuclear weapons are “out”. Thus, the leaders will meet soon to eliminate them for good.

Thatcher Trash Rash LONDON (BS) - The Prime Minister’s office has announced that the PM will not keep her commitments for the next few days. Margaret Thatcher has apparently developed a severe skin rash, rumours are rife around London that the PM got her rash when picking up trash in a park while promoting her “clean up Britain’s parks” campaign. Some official will surely be sacked for not being more attentive when selecting trash for Thatcher and hence causing her rash.

Recount in Panama MANILA (1C)- Officials in the Aquino administration have reported that earlier reports of the number of shoes left behind in Imelda Marcos’ closet were in error. In fact, there were 2473 pairs of shoes, rather than the 2469 originally reported.

PET PEEVES Are Fluffy and Fido Hazardous to yo u r health - by Carise Mitch __.

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gets to make supper, and little Johnny goes hun-

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Montreal Da.ly Snewsgry Thjs ^ 09f th|ng can BEFORE you cuddle Fluffy or pat Fido on the head, maybe you’d bet­ ter Consider Dr. Jones’ latest findings about pets. Dr. Jones, a noted psychologist, is con­ cerned that people may be too attached to their little household bud­ dies.

Perverted Trend "I am concerned that people are too attached to their pets,” says Dr. Jones. “Surveys show that people are feeling closer to their pets than ever before. I feel this trend is very unhealthy, even perverted.” Dr. Jones cites child ne­ glect, in particular, as a result of this alarming trend. “You know, one day you bring home a cute puppy. Next thing you know, Mommy’s playing with the damn thing all afternoon, for-

be a serious emotional trauma for a child, lead­ ing to bedwetting and ex­ perimentation with drugs in later years.” When questioned about the ad­ visability of allowing chil­ dren to have pets in light of this theory, he replies, “I’d rather not say too much about this, but at­ tachment to pets in youth often leads to...well, cer­ tain sexual ‘problems’. I could tell you parakeet stories...it’s all docu­ mented.”

Iguanas Risky Too Dr. Jones claims that danger lies not only in cute cuddly pets, but in just about any animal.

“Fish, turtles, cockatoos, salamanders, even igua­ nas - they’re all un­ healthy. Studies have shown th a t any involvment with animals interferes with interper­ sonal relationships and can lead to insanity,

b lin dn ess, o b e s ity , p im ple s, u n n a tu ra l cravings, even death.

The seriousness of the situation cannot bo un­ derestimated. Do you re a lize how m any people in Montreal have kitty-cats? Sure, they look cute...”

Beane Fixin's

People are Human Beings

So what should we do?

Put cyanide in Rex’s Puppy Chow? No, says Dr. Jones. “I don’t think people should actually go so far as to kill their pets. That could have certain a n ti-so cie ta l psychological afteref­ fects as well. See all the problems the little bug­ gers cause? No, if you are unfortunate enough to own a pet, my advice is just to keep feeding it and hope it crosses the highway one too many tim es.” Most im por­ tantly for your mental health, he says, “Remenber, pets are ani­ mals, people are human beings.”_______________

DIET DISCOVERY

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H appy birthday! In the next year o f you r life: You w ill reach a turning point this year. Musical talents surge to forefront, you w ill m eet famous people and a notoriety yourself- stick to wind in­ struments. Look close to hom e to find satisfaction.

Key months: June, N ovem ber and the last half o f December.

A ries (March 2 1 -April 19) Beware o f sharp ob­ jects. Lie low stay out o f the spotlight. Lots o f family m oney could com e your way - why don’t you call mom and dad?

T au ru s (April 20-M ay 20) You are in tune with the spirits around you. B e receptive. R ealize that you are on the brink o f discovering a cosm ic force.

Elvis is on his way.

G em ini (M ay 2 1 -June 20) You are prone to hav­ ing car accidents today, take the bus.

C ancer (June 21-July 22) You w ill m eet your perfect som eone today at about 2:36pm. Wear red.

L eo (July 23-August 22) Stay at home today. A

Two graduate students at the Lewis Carol Centre For Transmutational Dietary Research have astounded the scientific world with a revolutionary weight loss product. at a news conference yesterday, the students anounced their discovery of a substance which instantly reduces total body weight by 30 per cent.

“The powder is extracted from a rare form of mushroom’” the students said, “and is to be eaten with cake.”

Research with the powder had only been done with rabbits so the students, David Doldrum and Cynthia Schledprock volun­ teered to be the first human subjects. “ Planes are Seated at a dinner table, the students each swallowed a bite of cake which was fa ste r than laced with the powder. But to the shock and tra in s !” dismay of all present, the students began to shrink in their chairs. They each decreased Bob in height by nearly two feet. Their weight as t> mp , S ii m promised, did reduce 30 percent.

P re s id e n t When asked about the side effects David National stated, "There are obviously still a few minor com m ittee details to be worked out before the product on planes will be available in the retail market.” Cynthia referring to was a little less optimistic. “Now I’ll have to go the exout and buy a whole new wardrobe...,” she t r e m e Iy said between sobs, “ In petite shops.” obvious.

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member o f a coven w ill sublet your apartment.

You don’t want to m iss this.

V irgo (August 23-Septem ber 22) Pay attention to your pets, you have been neglecting them. How about som e super three falvour snacks?

L ibra (September 23- October 22) Eat lots o f green veggies. You are low in iron.

Scorpio (October 23-Novem ber 21) Beware o f hot objects today. Bees and mosquitoes should also be avoided.

S agittarius (Novem ber 22-Decem ber 21) You w ill be stuck in traffic this afternoon. Leave work early or sleep at the office.

C apricorn (Decem ber 22-January 19) You must drink 8 glasses o f water today.

A quarius (January 20-February 18) Go food shopping this afternoon. D on ’t forget the peanut butter or the dish soap.

P isces (February-March 20) Hand that paper in late. They w on’t notice.

i— QUOTE

PARTY WITH THE BOYS ON PROBATION

MCG ILL

RUGBY

Princeton Concordia

.

T ournam ent

U of T Queens,

Lots of laughs and brew with the outlawed boys of Rugby.

April 2

BBQ

Jeanne Mance Field

ALL WELCOME!!

B e B e

A

W

e l c o m

W e

W

i l d ! e e k

V o l u n t e e r !

For information - 398-6778 398-6777

Jennifer Fraser Welcome Week Chairperson

MONTREAL DAILY SNEWS TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 1988

Thursday, April 7th Union 425-426 2p.m. - 5p.m.

cn

HAHA! WE FOOLED YOU. WE'RE REALLY THE TRIBUNE. AND YOU T H O U G H T YOU PICKED U P A FREE COPY OF THE DAILY NEWS. APRIL FOOLS!

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by Mike Murray Montreal ^Dailv^ Snews

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S iM iMINERVA

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taneous as hemarroids. Otis resur­ rects his fictional band from Animal House. (Yes, fic­ tional - they were all actors except for Otis himself.)

And then he de­ cides to tour all sorts of campuses trailing the A ni­ O tis and friend: S h o u t ing indefinitely. mal House legend and behind him. All high school dance. looked the college kids Just kinda stand­ sounded a helluva will dress up in ing there, looking lot like a Star Search band. I kept togas, get pissed around...

At around waiting for Ed and pretend they to are John Belushi - 11pm our waiting McMahon show up and he ended.

The band it’ll be great! took the stage and never did. Instead Well, there were maybe a tried desperately we got the real dozen togas wan­ to psyche us up for Otis Day. He dering around a Otis’ arrival with a bounded onto the sparsely p o p u ­ few songs. It didn’t stage prim ping lated gym. They work. I thought and preening like looked kinda lost Otis was already on some Litde Rich­ and lonely. The stage. So I watched ard done. He told rest of us just this well-oiled us to yell. “Eeep!”, said. wandered around party m achine we and waited. You grind out a few ge­ “L o u d er!”, he neric songs and cried. “E eep!”. co u ld n ’t shake the feeling that scream things like, Even when he you were an un­ “I love you Mon­ made us all pledge They our allegiance to popular kid at a trea l!”.

by C harlie Q u in ntun a Montreal D Daily Snew s Montreal aily S

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ST. GEORGE’S UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF MEDICINE A ffiliated Hospitals in New York State New Jersey United Kingdom

Canadian Financial A id Package —Qualified Canadian citizens are eligible for loans and scholarships at St. George’s University through an attractive tuition package. Students who qualify for the maximum would need to budget $3,000 (U.S.) for tuition per semester.

Approved by the New York State Education D epartm ent for the purpose of conducting a clinical program in New York teaching hospitals. St. George’s received a similar approval from the New Jersey Board o f M edical Exam iners.

LAST Monday at Bishop Mountain Hall, several unsuspecting stu­ dents were surprised to see Bollweevils swi ming in their cream of wheat.

While most of the arach­ nids were rescued, a family of six were eaten alive by an absent minded entymology stu­ dent. Ron Smith, a first year engineering stu­ dent, was one of the first humans to come face to face with one of the quar­

officially recognized St. George’s University School of Medi­ cine on February 9, 1988. This recognition allows graduates of St. George’s to do postgraduate training in Great Britain.

Over 700 St. George’s students have transferred to U.S. medical schools. More than 1,275 graduates; licensed in 44 states; hold faculty positions in over 25 U.S. medical schools; 25% have been chief residents in 119 U.S. hospitals (accord­ ing to a 1986 survey).

St. George’s University School of Medicine Office of Admissions c/o FMSSC One East Main Street • Bay Shore, NY 11706 (516) 665-8500

asked not to be identi­ fied, told the Daily Snews, that even though this is the first time Boll­ weevils have appeared since, the “spaghetti in­ cident” two years ago, this was treated as a seri­ ous incident. Continu­ ing, she added that upon fu th er investigation three contam inated bags were found, and later destroyed. This is true. And, while refusing to to speculate as to whether or not the con­ taminated cereal was the. . „ „ , Food Services fault, or the fault of the supplier, she said indicated that from now on the cereal would be stored in a re­ frigerator, just to be safe.

“Bollweevils add a hide protein to the meal, and have absolutly no taste”, was the com­ ment made by Daily Snews nutrition colum­ nist, Bob Maggotosh.

However, when pushed to tell the full truth Bob admitted that he had Melton never actually tasted a Body Bollweevil, but said that “a friend” had. Macin­ tosh emphasized that there was no need for students to panic as ‘You eat all sorts of things everyday, and that they (W est o f C avendish) even allow a certain amount of rodent hair

ter-inch, grey mon­ sters. His first reactions were mixed, “at first I wasn’tsure ifitwasreal or not, it had been a fairly rough weekend, and my head was pretty fucked up.” Hillary Cushing-Murray, an­ other first year student who found one in her breakfast described it as, “like a maggot, only a little smaller.”

A source from within the food services de­ partm ent at Bishop Mountain Hall, who

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die fraternity of Party (or some­ thing like that) we ju st m um bled. It must have been pretty rotten for him. There he was on stage, hips swirling madly, winking at us, giving us his best pelvic uiiUats, all the sexual excite­ ment he could generate and we justgave him the “Is this it?” look.

The h igh­ light was a half hour version of the official party anthem, Shout They got the few togas there were up on stage for this as well as a girl in a black undershirt, who got to stay up there a really long time. It was just like reading a script. They played a little

while longe T hen Ot sprin ted o stage, followe by som eor else, and thinj just sort of ft apart.

TI show was ove Alittlebitofa plause and al of “Was th it?”. Afraid sc $8 for about t hour of a sho totally bereft' im a g in a tio and spontan ity.

As I walke out there w one sad toj s 1u m p e against th wall. He wasn pissed, ju bored. Whe Rome fell wasn’t Ner playing fiddle; it w: Otis Day an the Knigh playing th theme to Ar mal House.

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I have an im­ age of Otis Day in mind right now: He’s wearing an undershirt with gravy stains on it, sitting on a sofa with springs stick­ ing out. H e’s watching The Price Is Right and he really wants that microwave Holly’s display­ ing. Otis is broke and desperate.

He needs money fast No, it’s not a pretty picture, but it’s the only thing I can come up with to explain why the hell Otis Day and the Knights brought their ‘Toga Party Tour” to the gym Saturday night and robbed slowthinking students of $8.

Saturday night’s episode was abou t as spon­

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in peanut but sides, if their st don’t cave in ; that drinking damage is a lit weevil going tc

LETTE1 Editor:

G ee w h go od p a p e r have p u t o t can re a d it a ll g o o d fu n in tw e n ty m in i T h a t m eans i have tim e to w ith m y fr it fo r the resi recess.

Billy Twai Grai Our Lad Perpu Misery Elei tary Sc

aniel Tenenbaumbastic:

SM U Prez em barks on life of crim e foolien Feld, man

ntreal Daily Snews Danny was going places.

And in the blink of an eye, a liant career smashed to little itsy y tiny small pieces.

Ii was a day just like any other ntreal Thursday in spring (mosdy tdy, 45% chance of precipitation, egrees, lots of doggie doo uncovi from the melting snow).

But for Danbo, the day spelled ister.

The Daily Snews has learned that Gill Student Society President ticl (Danny to his friends) Tenen-

M

o n tr e a l D Big Cheese Assistant Big Cheese Snooze Ed. Features Eds. Artsie Ed. Jocks Ed. Pic Ed. Production Gurus The Prod. Man

baum is presen dy in possession of a record - of the criminal kind.

According to a source that is re­ liable most of the time, Tenenbaum was issued a park­ ing ticket on that fateful Thursday.

The Daily Snews contacted Dan at his Union Building office, where he con­ fessed to his hei-

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no us deed over die telephone.

“I admit it.

I...I didn’t put a q uarter in the thingy [meter]. It was just like any o ther Montreal Thursday. I never thought it would happen to me,” mumbled Daniel, obviously moved.

“I was ju s t going into McDonald’s for a few set un,Is, just

Who wants prison? “I do, I do!”

a ily S n e w

Danny says, "I never thought it would happen to me."

to pick up a Big Mac and a Coke...”

His voice trailed off. “I never thought the line would be so long. Tenen­ baum burst into te ars and termi­ nated our chat.

Green Onions Unrelenting

“We’re sick and tired of people who thin they can just park their Ferrarriswithoutputtingaquarterin the thingy [meter] whenever the fuck they want,” stated Pedro Taco, the city employee who issued the fateful ticket; Resignation Called For

Many McGill student groups are calling for Daniel’s resignation.

“Crimes like this shouldn’tgo unpun­

s

E t Ridiculosa

Christ Slangau TW Max Harrold Myke Krawljey and Vicky Kate Jenn Hen Jaaaaamie Alden Chow, Lionel Mariam Boo and Stcffy Zee Bob Schmenge

by Corn R. Iter Montreal Daily Snews

Staff: Dex, Kimbo, Roar, Kath F, & Kath J., BB, MM, Kneel, Heath Mitch, Clark Kent, Peter Parker, Nick Off Der Wall, Tim Jerk, Labbatt Blue, 3 AM, Anon, X.

Manico Pazdabuck wrote in to tell us that in his twenty years residince in the McGill Ghetto, for the

tACKSTROKE IN PORRIDGE iconomon

by Katwin Banebwid

Montreal Daily Snews Contrary to the quote from our “source within the food services depart­ ment,” the Daily Snews has learned that the three contaminated bags of VitaB cereal were really not thrown out, but instead were added to the concoc tion that Bidshop Mountain Hall calls “Risi Bisi.”

In addition, an inside source has told us that the BMH bollweevils were planted in the Vita-B by former Gardner Hall resident Stephen “Gaz” Matthews, who was kicked out of residence in November when BMH officials discivered he was not enrolled at McGill.

first time Monday he hit a green light driving east on Prince Arthur at Hutchison. Fie writes, “Ijustcouldn’t believe my lich! I’ve lost every 9-5job I’ve ever had because of waiting for that damn light! Then my wife di­ vorced me for always blaming it on the coffee being too hot in the morn­ ing. My shrink tells me it’s a psychotic problem, and that if I drove around the block enough times in a row, day after day, I'd eventually hit a green tight.”

Good for you, Pazdabuck! *** Way to go, teams! Last Saturday in Park Jeanne Mance (at Mount Royal), Peewee touch-football team the Face-bashers took on arch-rivals Piss-on-this.

It was a really close game, the score being 0-0 for the first 3 hours.

Then, with 4 seconds to go, 3-year-old Joey “Wet-Nap” Dingy, youngest of the Face-bashers, tripped and fell under the feet of Piss-on-this quar­ ter-back Mikey “Elat Mine” SmitherBy accident “Eat Mine”, already on the Face-bashers’ 1-yard line, had started running the wrong way. “WetNap’s” opportune tumble resulted

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ished,” stated Polly Wanacracker, a U3 History student “Whether it’s a slap on the wrist with a wet noodle or the death penalty, Tenenbaum should get the full punishment pos­ sible.” .

“He’s an embarrassment to us all, especially to those of us who are up­ standing citizens of the McGill com­ munity.” Those are the words of Bob Bluto, a U2 mechanical engineer.

“Where’s his common decency?”

Krissy Lawdotter, news editor of the McGill Daily told us ‘This is an­ other example of the corruption within the system. The revolution is at hand.”

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in “Eat Mine” falling backwards across the end line.

U nfortunately, “W et-N ap’s” howling detracted both teams and their parents from noticing the touch-down, but this reporter swears she’s never seen anything like it! ♦** Bon Voyage, Agnes!

Lucky Agnes Shrieker! Suffering from mild rheumatism, her daughter and son-in-law have borrowed money from a neighbour to send her on a year-long vacation to Florida. “It’s nothing too, too serious,” Agnes, 71, assured us. “More depressing and in­ convenient. You see, for one day around the beginning of every month my right index finger would ache a bit when I had done too many finger-curls. I find that finger curls are thebestwayofstayinginshape,so I would get awfully depressed, and, well, I guess a wee bit cranky and de­ manding, too. It usually lasted for the whole rest of the month. So my daughter and her husband, feeling sorry for me, and realizing I felt cramped in their one-and-a-half apartment, are sending me to Flor­ ida!”

What a touching story of family devotion!

Scarf Found Scalps of the Multi-Functional Rich and Famous:

by Kim Farley Montreal Daily Snews

Only their hairdressers know

by Robin Louse Special to the Montreal Daily SNews Good Day! I’m Robin Louse! And we are here today to discuss the hair of your celebrity favourites.

Like Jim Perry, host of the popular game CARD SHARKS. Jim used to work in Canadian TV on such duds as the HEADLINE HUNTERS and DEFINI­ TION. When he hosted those shows - he had white hair. And not that he’s working in Amarican TV, he has brown hair. Incredible! Will this happen to all Canadians when free trade is enacted?

But another game show king went white! No- not

Vanna. Bob! Bob Barker!

While Bob was going whiter, Ron was going

M is a n th ro p ic

by Porgy A. Bess Montreal Daily Snews Eating at home is an immensely under­ rated technique for fill­ ing the stomach. You don’t have to tip any­ one, it’s open 24 hours a day seven days a week, and it’s fully li­

blacker. Must have been a lot of oil slicks near his California Ranch.

And how ‘bout Lovely Linda Evans? Does’t she look just like the Egyptian Sphinx? Linda - does your hair move?

And how 'bout those Gibb brothers? Get out of the 70s guys! I hope the embalmer called Vidal Sassoon to do brother Andy’s hair!

And so I leave you with two parting thoughts: Re­ member Farrah Fawcett shampoo? And by the way, who was Rula Lenska..?

E p ic u re

censed. When you really think about it, what’s the use of moving your po­ tato off the couch and into the cold only to stuff your face in public and listen to other people chew? The worst thing about restau­ rants is that you can’t even watch TV while you eat, and usually, you get

stuck in some pleasant conversation.

Not that cooking for yourself at home is any better. Forget it - that means dirty dishes in kitchen, and who gets up for the day be­ fore the grocery stores close anyways? The thing to do is order

your

out.

M cGILL STUDENTS' SOCIETY STUDENT LEADER REGISTRATION

TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 1988 MONTREAL DAILY SNEWS

Attention all McGill student leaders:

00

The 1988/89 President, Editor, Chairperson, Co-Ordinator or Chief Officer of any McGill stu­ dent Club, Society, Publication, Service, Council, Committee or Association must register with the McGill Students' Society NO LATER THAN APRIL 15,1988.

Last night I dug a h an d fu l of those colourful flyers from the bottom of my mailbox and decided to give it a go. (What eat-in restau­ rant takes the time to send you an invitation to try their grub, complete with illustrated menu? I don’t know about you, but it’s the only mail I

FASHION FLASH! The new fashion find this year is really just an old standby: the scarf. Mon­ trealers wear scarves alot in the Winter to keep their necks warm, but has any­ one ever considered the other places a scarf can be worn for real fashion sparkle?

We consulted our Fash­ ion Consultant Judi Frickie for some ideas.

“Gee", said Frickie, “There are so many uses for the scarf!"

Frickie cited placing the scarf around other parts of the body besides the neck as the “key twist".

“I feel that the key twist for this new fashion is the

“When there is no need for bundling up, a scarf can be worn loosely around the waist as a sash, or perhaps draped casually around the shoulders, almost like a shawl!" gushed Frickie excitedly.

According to another noted Montreal Fashion Analyst, our own Sally Simpson, the most attrac­ tive place for a scarf is on the head.

“Oh yes, the head is cer­ tainly an ideal place for a s c a rf”, com m ented Sim pson. “Why", she

ever get, and I appreci­ ate it.)

I decided to order from a couple places at

the same time to test the range of delivery speeds out there. I started with a place called Nu-Way

Campus groups not registered by April 15th will be considered inactive and will lose all campus priviledges until such time as they are reinsated.

Student leaders must complete the form below or obtain a "Summer Registration" form from the Students' Society General Office, University Centre, Room 105, 3480 McTavish Street, complete it and hand it in BY APRIL 15TH to Leslie Copeland, Operations Secretary.

continued,"! feel that the way it frames the face can truly add a ‘glow’ to the skin that you simply do not get if the scarf is on the neck. Why not try tying it like a turban, or like a babushka! Do as you dare!” she suggested impishly.

“Add a pair of dangling earrings and you can achieve an exciting and mysterious gypsy look!

The possibilities are end­ le s s ,” elaborated Simpson.

Simpson’s enthusi­ asm as she spoke of the scarf's versatility was truly infectuous. Every­ one in the room was smil­ ing happily when she fin­ ished speaking. As the crowd dispersed, one journalist shyly re-positioned her own scarf from

Delicatessen (4493 Papineau). It looked like a safe bet from the picc o n tin u e d on page 9

SUMMER REGISTRATION FORM 1. O r g a n iz a tio n Campus Address.

(Room No.)

(Building) Campus Telephone No(s). (1)_

_(

2 )_

_____(3)_____

2. Your organization is recognized by the.

(N.B. Only the Students' Society, the 14 Faculty and School Societies and the Students' Athletics Council have the authority to recognize other campus groups.)

3. Name o f C hief O ffice r____________________________________ Title______________________ (First Name) (Last Name) Summer Address_ (No.)

(Apt.)

(Street)

Registration allow s M cG ill organizations to:

1. be able to book space in the University Centre; 2. be able to book space in other campus buildings at McGill rates; 3. receive the summer edition of the M cGill Student Leader Bulletin; 4. be kept informed about the leadership seminar in September; 5. receive a copy of the operating manual for club officers.

placement of scarf, which is conventionally worn around the neck, around another part of the body.... How about the head or the waist? Face it, a scarf will brighten just about any part of you!"

Postal Code _(3)_ Summer Telephone (1 )_ _ ( 2 )_ 4. If you w ill not be in the M ontreal area during the summer, please fill in the name and summer address o f one member o f your organization w h o w ill be in M ontreal.

Name_____________ (First Name)

_______________________________Title____________________ (Last Name)

Summer Address (No.

(Apt.)

(Street) Postal Code

( 3 )_ Summer Telephone (1 )_______________ _( 2)_ 5.

A U T H O R IZ A T IO N T O RELEASE IN F O R M A T IO N The Students' Society is often asked for the address and phone num ber o f students holding various positions at M c G ill. Kindly in itia l one or more o f the fo llo w in g lines authorizing the Students' Society to give the above addresses and phone numbers to those requesting them : a) Student leaders on campus o n ly _________

b) A ny member o f the p u b lic asking to get in touch w ith the person holding your position Signature.

_________

.Today's D ate.

Hand this form in at the Students' Society General Office or mail to: Leslie Copeland, Operations ^S ecretary, Room 105, 3480 McTavish Street, Montreal, Quebec H3A 1X9.

^

I'll Talk, You Listen: Balogh

Quirky Jane Wows the Spectrum

news

by Kathryn Jordan

lines.

ODD SPOT • Charlie (Hie!) Osborne has a problem.

Charlie has the hiccups.

Charlie offered $47,326.97 re­ ward to anyone w ho can cure his 66 years o f hicupping.

Charlie, after hundreds of “ rem edies” - in cluding Holy Wa­ ter, Big Macs, broken paper bags, Michael Jackson records, sex w ith Joap Rivers, Three’s Company reruns, garlic, absti­ ne n ce, P h ilo s o p h y c la s s e s , Transcendental M editation, Lib­ yan sunshine, beer and electric shock therapy - still has his hiccups.______________

Montreal Daily Snews Sean Penn would have adored Jane Siberry’s open­ ing perform ­ ance at the Spec­ trum on March 17th. In fact, the iimilarity be­ tween Jane and M adonna is flaberggasting!

Jane is the Cana­ dian answer to the Material Girl herself. Jane strutted around the stage just like a peacock in high-cut green bloomers, black tights, witch shoes, and a Na­ poleonic little jacket. Her lip­ stick was a per­ fect compliment to this outland­ ish costume - a sweet honey­

suckle shade from Maybeline’s Spring Col­ lection. Way to go, Jane you’re a knockout!

My first reaction to Jane was that of a child marvelling at a new found toy.

Even her hair was done to perfection un­ derneath her iny fez h at The back-up) singers were also wearing hats - it must have been radier chilly up on stage. Maybe they thought they were outdoors, because there was a clothesline left on stage (Boy, somebody re­ ally goofed !). The set was a bit rushed if you ask me - it looked like The Gondoliers had left their costumes hanging on the line or some thing.

The Spectrum took on the atmosphere of the balcony scene in West Side Story as this most harmonic of humming­

birds filled the air with for this record unadulterated poetry. giant.

L et’s Jane’s old songs, such as hope she con­ M imi On the Beach, Sym­ tinues to have metry, and Map o f the total creative World left one feeling the control over her same euphoria one ex­ clothes and periences as the Queen make-up too, for of Disco sings You Must this is the stuff of Be A n Angel Her newer which lucky music expresses die bit­ stars are made! tersweet thoughts of housewives everywhere (what a coincidence that som eone left tile clothesline in the back­ ground!). Jane sings about men too. One song describes the frustradon of a man who can’t quite get anyv-'here because his dreams are bigger than his get-upand-go.

Jane has been get­ ting up and going places lately, widi die release of her new album, The Walking, by W arner Brothers and a multi album deal that gives her total creative control over the albums she cuts

M cG ill

M isanthrope continuedfrompage8

of those nouvelle cuisine joints. Anyways, they told me the specialty was smoked meat, so I ordered the “Super sandwich viande fumée” because it came with fries and coleslaw ($6.95).

I figured Restaurant D ’Avino (414 Mont Royal) was worth a try, since they were proud enough of their food to dis­ play every meal with a colour photograph.

I didn’t think I could make it through a whole chicken (and the ‘accompanying hamburger bun in that picture was burnt) s-, I went for the fish-n-chips ($4.75). The !isu locke d really fresh - it was really shiny in the picture - and it came with the same \ beef-flavoured gelatin gravy that you got with all the other dishes. That was fine by me. Tartar sauce makes me gag.

I’m not one of those hippy vegetari­ ans, but I like a well-balanced meal as much as the next person. So I decided on a medium “Green Forest" pizza ($11.55) from Pine’s Pizza (4520 Parc). This 12incher came topped with tomato sauce, ham, spinach, asparagus, green pepper and cheese. I was going to tell them to hold the spinach, asparagus and green pepper, but I didn’t know how to say it in French so I decided to pick them off and feed them to the cat (who, incidentally, has never met fast food it didn’t like).

By the time the food arrived there was nothing left to watch on TV but that fake flickering fireplace channel. I was pretty bummed out, because the delivery people arrived all at once, foiling my delivery speed comparison plan, and refused to believe I was doing a review for the Mon­ treal Daily Snews. Even worse than the fact that 1 had to pay was that the fish-n-chips came with little packets of Kraft tartar sauce instead of die gravy promised in the ■picture. I gave die fish to the cat, whose greedy chewing noises were worse than any human chomping I’ve ever been subjected to in a restaurant. I’ve decided to give up entirely on any food that isn’t free.

Next week: Montreal’s Soup Kitchens Bouillon Cubes or Bouillabaise?

Jane is the Canadian answer to the Material Girl

0

NEW! EUROPEAN RUCKSACKS! Full-grain leather: $59.95 & $70.00

Canvas and leather: $23.95 B O O K S T O R E 1001 S h er b r o o k e W est •

f M ACES

GENERAL ELECTION - 1988 Due to u n fo reseen d ela y s in the m ailin g p rocess, a n d in order to en su re th a t the h ig h est possible n u m b er of students a r e a b le to v ote, th e d e a d lin e for the retu rn in g of ballots h a s b e e n e x te n d e d to W ed n esd ay , April 6, 1988, a t 17h 00.

As w ell thou gh, in o vder to co m p e n sa te for a n y other u nfore­ se e n d e la y s in th e m ail, over w h ich w e h a v e n o control, p le a se b e a d v ised th a t b on a-fid e m em b ers of MACES w ho w ish to v o te in person m a y do so b y g o in g to th e polling sta ­ tion set u p a t the inform ation desk a t the C en tre for C ontinu­ in g Ed ucation, 3461 M cT avish St., 2n d floor of the R ed p ath Library Building, from 17h 00- 19h 00 on M on d ay , M a rch 28 a n d T u esd ay, M a rch 29, a n d from 12hOO-17hOO on W ed n es­ d a y , M a rch 30, 1983 -- th e voters n e e d only to b rin g their student ID a n d o n e other p ie c e of ID, the polling station will h a v e a ll of th e other n e c e ssa ry votin g m aterial on h a n d .

The co u n tin g of th e ballots, for w h ich a ll ca n d id a te s a n d MACES' m em b ers a r e entitled to atten d , will ta k e p la c e on W ed n esd a y , April 6 , 1988, c o m m e n c in g a t 17h 30 in room 203 a t th e C en tre for C ontinuing Education.

For more information contact Ivor Bergs, MACES1C.R.O., at 398-4974.

MONTREAL DAILY SNEWS TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 1988

On the music scene, Prince has Irastically changed careers from rock itar/singer to host of a gourmet cookig/TV evangelist spot. In a rare televi­ sion interview, Prince was quoted as laying, “after Lisa and Wendy left the >and, cooking just seemed like the raturai thing to do.” The program is set o air the beginning of May on the Fox îetwork.

Katarina W itt, Olympic and more reæntly world figure skating champion, las recently signed with “Disney On ce". Katarina, who will be replacing Dorothy Hamill in the Mini Mouse cosume was quoted as saying, “I've al­ ways wanted to be an actress, this goes reyond my wildest dreams. And I hope jne day to teach Micheal Jackson to skate.”

Speaking of Micheal Jackson, he's rack in the surgeon's chair. Infamous jlastic surgeon Dr. Danny Goldblume was quoted as saying, “He doesn’t want •ne to stop until he looks like a bat F Chastity Bono, daughter of actress/ linger Cher is making her acting debut opposite Valerie Bertinelli in the made lor TV movie, Daughter and Wife of Rock Stars. Both actors have voiced concern about relating to their roles, but with aid of director/producer Jim m y Osmond they are confident of the suc­ cess of the project. Confidentially, talks of a weekly series is in the works.

Brooke Shields, who has also made quite the career change from high fash­ ion model to country music singer, has voiced concern over recent replace­ m ent o f “ No Excuse J e a n s ” spokesperson Donna Rice with Joan Rivers. Brooke was quoted as saying, Ms. Rivers is such a wonderful comedi­ enne, but she should leave modelling to qualified models” . Princeton University endorses her comments on this matter.

And finally, the spotlight is back on Tammy Fae Baker as she introduces her new “No Nonsense” line of Bikini sports wear for men and women. The project is a joint effort by Baker and Mr. T. The “God Is Watching, Fool” line is set to hit the stores by summer. Watch for this pair on Thursday’s Entertain­ ment Tonight, as they model their new

vD

Trump deals right cards: Redmen Soled

by Beans Baxter

Montreal Daily Snews Director of Athletics Robert Doobeau and New York Real-estate magnate Donald Trump rocked the sport’s world yesterday with die announcement of the purchase of die McGill Redmen football squad for a cool $18 million dollars. Although plans have not been announced the Redmen may become die first expansion team from Canada to play in the Nadonal Football League. Trump obviously feeling polidcal said, “I feel that this is the first step in improving our country’s relations with our litde neighbour to the north. Greenland’s a greatcountry... or is that

Canada. I think the purchase of the Orange­ men is just one step in a positive direction.”

One question that puzzled the Snews was Doobeau’s involvement in the acquistion.

When asked why he would help purchase a team that he already owned, Doobeau ap­ pearing puzzled stated, “ It has something to do with conflict of interest. My lawyer said it was the right thing to do.” Doobeau who put in over a million dollars into the purchase couldn’t recall exaedy where he got the money. “There was some extra money lying around the office in a fund for something

called die Athletics Complex. I couldn’t re­ member what diat was all about so I figured I may as well spend it.”

Although none of the Redmen seemed to care too much about the whole ordeal head coach Charlie Baillie was livid. Speaking from his tent outside the administration building, Baillie sobbingly said, “Thiscan’thappen. I’m going on a hunger strike.”

It has also been rumoured thatTrump and Doobeau have been quiedy purchasing up Purina stock on the New York exchange. ‘The Crazy Dogs could make me millions,” said

VOLUNTEERS ARE NEEDED YOUR IMPETUS IS NEEDED TO THE MAXIMUS!!

Montreal Daily Snews

N o w is the time to volunteer to help out with next year's activities!

VOLUNTEER FORM Name (Fdmily)

(Given)

Present Address________________ (Street) (No.)

(Apt.) .Postal Code____

10 TUESDAY, MARCH 29, 1988 MONTREAL DAILY SNEWS

Telephone No(s). (1)_

_______ (3)_________

_(2)_

Summer Address___

(No.)

(Apt.)

(Street)

Postal Code____ Summer Telephone No(s). (1).

_(2)_

_(3)_

Volunteer Interest(s): (Check as many as you wish) □ □

b lo o d drive p r o g r a m m in g

□ □ □ □ □ □ □

netw ork

Activities Night Alternative Programming Concerts Performing Arts Speakers Welcome Week Winter Carnival

□ McGILL FIESTA □ STUDENTS' SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS (p h o to g ra p h y, layout, w riting, e diting or design)

□ □ □ □

SNEWS PROBE

by Hairy Taig

next year's Blood Drive, Programming Network and Students' Society Publications

(Mr/Ms/etc.)

Trump. “We’ll have litde kids eating Milkbone dog biscuits for breakfast after my mar­ keting scheme.”

Redmen offensive lineman A1 Lekun could be the firstresidentofTrump’s new television city. Lekun was reported seen practising the lines for his first commercial. “Milkbone, Milkbone, it’s what the big boys eat.”

The Daily Snews regrets to say that they were unable to find ou twho the 18 million was paid to but SSMU President Danny Tenenbaum was repordy seen driving around in a Ferrari Turbo last week.

McGill Tribune Old McGill (yearbook) Student Directory Student Handbook

□ C h e ck here if you are interested in getting involved during the summer.

Please indicate any particular area(s) within the activities or interests you checked in which you would like to work (e.g. publicity, logistics, finances, etc.).

B aseball. A yearly tra d itio n w h ich b rin g s w ith it th e first signs o f S p rin g and w a rm w e a th e r a n d scan d o lo u s a c c u s a tio n s .

H ow ever, it is still early to ca tc h a g lim p se o f o u r fav o u rite p lay ers w arm ­ in g u p a t th e h o m e b a l l p a r k ( e s p e c ia lly O ly m p ic S ta d iu m ), so d ie Daily Snews crew p a c k e d a van a n d h e a d e d to F lo rid a AKA, o ffic ia l tr a in in g g ro u n d s f o r th e m ajo r leag u ers.

T h is w eek ’s p ro file o f th e M o n tre a l E x p o s is o n p itc h e r F ilip e S an ­ tiago. O rig in ally fro m th e baseb all h o tb e d S an P e d ro D e M aco ris, Fil­ ip e b rin g s w ith h im q u ite a story. L e t’s d o so m e p ro b in g . B efore h is arriv al in M o n tre a l, F ilipe was su p p o rtin g a fam ily o f fifte e n by al­ leg ed ly se llin g d ru g s to A m e ric a n to u rists. Al­ th o u g h h e h a d a s h o rt stin t as a p itc h e r fo r th e C u b a n N a tio n a ls a n d re p o rte d ly m a n a g e d six teen n o h itte rs last se aso n , F ilip e’s inability to stay o u t o f tro u b le has p r o v e d tr o u b le s o m e .

A rre ste d five tim es o n f o u r c o u n ts o f b u rg lary a n d o n e assau lt, Filipe m issed fifteen g am es w ith th e N atio n als a n d lost his m e m b e rs h ip o n th e te a m in 1987.

W hen

th e

D a ily

Snews te a m a rriv e d in F ilip e ’s village, th ey d isc o v ered th a t n e ig h ­ b o rs f o u n d h im q u ite a m ia b le , t h o u g h a c o u p le a d m itte d th ey h e a rd s c re a m in g n o ise s a t n ig h t. W h en o u r c o r r e s p o n d e n ts p re s s e d f u r t h e r f o r answ ers, th e y f o u n d th a t F ilip e b e a ts h is wife a n d p ractices Sa­ ta n ic ritu a ls .

U n­ n a m e d so u rces also claim ed th a t th ey saw F i l i p e r u n t o h is m a ilb o x u n c lo th e d .

W h ile th e E x p o s’ b ack office re fu s e d to c o m m e n t o n th e ac­ q u isitio n o f M r. S an ­ tiag o , it was r u m o re d th a t h e s o u g h t asylum in C a n a d a d u r in g a g o v e rn m e n t investiga­ tio n o f d r u g traffick­ in g w ith th e D o m in i­ can R e p u b lic. N ew s­ p a p e rs m e n tio n e d Mr. S an tiag o as a c o n ta c t in th e A rm s f o r H o s­ ta g e s d e a l in t h e U n ite d S tates b u t th a t re m a in s uncon­ firm e d . F ollow ing th is story, o u r crew also d isc o v ered th a t Filipe sk ip p e d tow n o n h is last p itc h in g assign­ m e n t a n d was sp o tte d w ith h is a rm a r o u n d M a rg a re t T ru d e a u a t a R o llin g S to n es co n ­ c e rt in B elgium .

W h ile Filipe S an ­ tiag o will u n d e n ia b ly b e a p lu s f o r th e E x­

p o s’ p itc h in g u n it, his le n g th o f stay is u n s u re D esp ite rew ard s fo r his a rre st in th r e e c o u n trie s two su b p e o n a s fro m a fe d e ra l c o u rt, a n angry wife w h o h a s allegedly h ir e d a h it-m a n , a n d fif­ te e n starv in g c h ild re n M r. S a n tia g o d e te s ts fe m a le u m p ire s.

In a s ta te m e n t to th e press, a n g e r e d by ru m o rs th a ï h e h a d a d rin k in g p r o b lem , F ilipe e x c la im e d to a fe m a le r e p o r te r th a t “F o r all I ca re , w o m en s h o u ld n ’t ev en b e a l­ lo w ed to sell tick ets al b aseb all g am es, le t alo n e u m p th e m .” W h ile Mr. S an tiag o c o u ld n o t be r e a c h e d fo r c o m m e n t th e E x p o s’ f r o n t office re g re ts h is m o m en tary b u rs t o f te m p e r a n d a t­ tr ib u te d it to a ‘series of p ra n k s ’ w h ich c a u g h t Fil ip e in a b a d way. A p p a r­ en tly as a ‘te a m in itia­ tio n ’jo k e , two o f F ilip e’: te a m m a te s co v ered the in sid e o f h is cap with b lack eyeshadow .

Mr S an tiag o was n o t am u sed a n d h e s to rm e d o f f th e field b e fo re m e e tin g with re p o rte rs .

M r. S a n tia g o says he “lo o k s fo rw a rd to th e 1988 s e a so n ” a n d d en ies a ll a l l e g a t i o n s m a d e a g a in st h im .

U n fo rtu ­ nately , th e Daily Snew: was u n a b le to o b ta in F ilip e’s p itc h in g re c o rd o ra n y o fh is s ta tis tic s . We r e g re t th e sh o rtco m in g .

HURT PENGUINS $ 1.99 and up

Hand in c o m p le te d form a t th e Students' Society G eneral O ffice or mail to: Leslie C o p e la n d ^ p e r a t io n s Secretary, University C entre, Room 105,3480 McTavish Street, M ontreal, Q u e b e c H 3 A 1X 9 ^

McGill

B O O K S T O R E

1001 Sherbrooke West • 398-3654

Bespectacled bird soars through the air.

Has the Eagle Landed?

Ed: Are they all those specks I see when I jump?

Jerk: (Obviously a slight to my country) How would you describe diis sport of ski jumping Ed? Ed: I’d ave to discribe it somewhat like skiing but...in the air. You sail down this big bloody ramp and suddenly there is no more ramp- that’s the jumping part.

Jerk: Sounds great. Christ, who invented such a sport?

Ed: I believe it was die Canadians Mr. Jerk Jerk: Oh sure we invite you over for a litte Olympic compeddon and you think you can blame everything on us. How would you de­ scribe your style Ed? Ed: Well I jum p off and flap my arms like some great bird.

Intramural Athlete of the Month Bud Wiser

jerk: Sort of like... maybe... a paratrooper, ready to land anywhere in Canada and take over? Oh, you Brits are good at that! Next quesuon, what do you diink of your instant celebrity status Ed? Ed: Oh I’m not a vegetarian Mr. Jerk, me mum raised me on mash and bangers. I hate salads.

Jerk: Celebrity Ed, not celery you stupid idget. You wrote the goddamn language, get yoursdek on the ice. And what is this mash and bangers filing... something like Marx and Engles I suppose.

Ed: I don’t think we’re taking sports here, Jerk!

Jerk: Thats’ Mr. Jerk to you, block-head. Lis­ ten...

At tliis point “the Eagle" left, refusing to condnue our interview. It just goes to prove my point that under no provocadon these Limeys can blow up and cause chaos and mess.

We must keep their influence away from our borders so that none of their subversive elments can subjugate this pearl of Democracy we call Canada.

Tim Jerk-proving that sports and polidcs do in fact mix. Next week Tim goes to Nicaragua where he will cover baseball and the Soviet in­ fluence on the region.

o)oqd6uu}s ddOO

West Palm Beach-I recently traveled to the sun-drenched beachesof thatgreatcountry to the south to interview some little limey by the name of Eddie “die Eagle” Edwards, a British ski-jumper who finished last place in his event but attained instant stardom. I mean, I’m no redneck but why would the Snews not cover some real Canadian boy instead of some for­ eigner we couldn’t give a good god-damn about, (get on widi the interview Jerk!-ed. note) The Interview Eddie sits quiedy down in my rented office.

I have the desk light shining brighdy into his eyes so dtat he can’t get too comfortable. You have got to be careful of these Brits; they lull you into submission and before you know it dicy’ve got you. I realize we fought as allies with these people in the big WWII, but hell you just can’t trust 'em.

Eddie: Hello Mate! (Mate is apparendy comparable to the usage of comrade by the egg-sucking, line-forming heathens in the East.)

Jerk: Listen, just because I am your inter­ viewer doesn’t mean we have to have any sort ofrelauonship. Goddamn, why can’tyou be a ball player? Anyway Ed, what do you think of the good Canadian folk?

ONTARIO/QUEBEC

Sport: Q uaffing Team Name: T he Guzzlers M o n tre a l (BS) M a rc h ’s a th le te o f th e m o n th is B u d W iser w hose m o st re c e n t tr iu m p h was a t th e B e e r O lym p ics a t M cC o n ­ n ell H all w h e re h e suc­ c e e d e d in d ro w n in g th e c o m p e titio n . H e e a r n e d a n a lu m in u m m e d a l f o r h is o u ts ta n d ­

in g p e rfo rm a n c e in th e 6 o u n c e sh o t-p u t event.

W iser’s a th le tic in cli­ n a tio n s a re w ide ra n g ­ ing: “Yeah , I w atch th e b ro o m b a ll g am es o n my way to th e lib ra ry .” H is b o a t ra c in g te a m a t E n ­ g i n e e r i n g P u b N ile e l e c t e d h im M .V .P .

(M o s t V a c u o u s P ar-

tie r ). F o r th o se w ish­ in g to ca tc h W iser in a c tio n , h is e x p e rtise a t ball sp o rts can be se en a t C e rts — h e plays a m e a n g a m e o f pool.

H o w ev er, Bud W iser w ears h is lau rels m o d e s tl y : “W e ll, th e y ’r e c o m fier th a n m y sweats. “

How to Hustle the Muscle

by Nauta Lust

a day with

TourPass

Monteal Daily Snews Those of you who are hard up on your luck can work on your love-life while you work on your body. What better at­ mosphere than a crowded, steamy, room filled with slick, musclebound bodies. Not only has McGill created a more sophisticated, fully eq u ip p ed weight room, but it also provides the stu­ dents with an on campus dating serv­ ice. As the newcomer shyly enters this fit­ ness paradise he is greeted by cheery hellos from scantily

clad women. While the guys are always willing to offer advice and dem onstrate their expertise (read m uscle). Talking with one happy couple whose rowmance began in the weight room, they relayed the magical moment. I spotted her across the room and thought great...

Reeboks. I casually made my way over to her and used a line of which Sch­ warzenegger would have been proud.

“Hey Baby, outstand­ ing pecs!” She wiped the sweat from her

forehead and re­ plied, “you can spot me any time. What’s your Max?” Ever since that fateful day the two have built up a healthy relation­ ship. They date three times a week and spend their time Erging, cycling, lifting and stretching. For those really desper­ ate lonely hearts peck pick-up hours are Monday, Wednseday, and Fri­ day from 4-6. And always remember the trusty weighdifter’s motto the next time you are struggling on the lat pull- NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

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