The McGill Tribune Vol. 22 Issue 26

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Mc GI LL WEEKLY Vol. 22 Issue 26

Pravda for the Students' Society of M cGill University since 1981

Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Doe is dead

SSMU assassin at large Kate Rhodes

JENNY GEORGE

New SSMU President Fred Sagel and Martin Doe’s former girlfriend Shannon Cohen mourn at the scene of Doe’s untimely death.

MARS Lady suspect in Minerva beating Raquel Kirsch_____________________

After a one-year absence from cam­ pus, the woman formerly known as the MARS lady is a suspect in the brutal assault of Roger Rigelhof, the man in charge of the project that ushered in MIN­ ERVA, the online registration system.

The voice of McGill’s Automated Registration System had, on a stormy night in late August 2002, vowed revenge upon the makers of the user-friendly but crash-prone web-based student informa­ tion resource.

In a teary press conference last night, Rigelhof, director of the Banner Information Project Unit, described how

his assailant beat him over the head with a large rotary telephone while yelling, “You appear to be having trouble respecting my authority. Click.”

The attack occurred as Rigelhof walked to his car late Thursday night fol­ lowing a departmental meeting. The attacker eventually fled, after Rigelhof repeatedly pressed the number sign on his cellular phone.

“This is clearly an attack on technolo­ gy in the free world,” said Sylvia Franke, Student Information System project man­ ager. “We cannot let these people scare us.

We must have resolve in these times of cri• »

SIS .

While many students felt that the

MARS lady was often rude, they do not believe she is capable of violence.

“I don’t understand how something like this could happen in our society,” said shocked U2 International Development Studies major Rafwala Kolinas.

Police at Post 19 have assembled a team of their best detectives and forensic scientists to work on the case. They are concentrating their efforts on phone booths, the Bell office building and the Fido tower. They promise to deliver daily updates on the search.

“We urge anyone in the community to come forward,” said Lt. Joseph-André Laflamme.

_____

Students’ Society President Martin Doe was killed in a freak foosball incident Sunday evening, leaving his successor, Vice-President University Affairs Fred Sagel, to govern SSMU’s 17,000 mourning con­ stituents. Investigators believe Doe was murdered.

Doe was struck in the forehead by an airborne foosball ball in the Shatner clubs lounge during the Knitting Club’s annual CrochetFest. Doe then stum­ bled backwards, crashing through the fourth story window, and was shot, frozen, stabbed and struck by lightning before hitting the cement parking lot below, sources said. Doe’s body was subsequently run over by the SSMU PT Cruiser.

“It was gruesome,” said witness and lifelong friend Naeem Datoo. “Who knew Martin would... just__well, bounce,” he said.

The police believe Doe’s death was not accidental and are confident that they will catch the assassin.

“We have every reason to suspect foul play,” said Post 19 police chief Jacques-Sébastien VachonLegault, only minutes after arriving on the scene, “and as God as my witness, we will find the chump that did this.”

Several 911 dispatchers assured witnesses not to panic before police arrived, and then encoùraged mass rioting and pillaging when officers entered the scene.

Witnesses were detained in Shatner, including those in the hall with candlesticks and a group in the conservatory holding lead pipes.

SSMU Executive members sây they are distraught with grief.

“Who would ever want to kill Martin?” asked an intoxicated Vice-President Operations Kathleen Morrison. “It certainly wasn’t me, I never have nega­ tive thoughts about anyone.”

Sagel addressed a solemn crowd at a memorial service Monday morning. He was sworn in as SSMU president in the PT Cruiser on Sunday night, with Doe’s bereaved girlfriend Shannon Cohen by his side as Judicial Board Chief Justice Hugo Maureira admin­ istered the oath of office.

“I am deeply sorry that we have lost Martin, a true friend, an excellent president and a kick-ass euchre player,” said Sagel. “But I am excited to take on the SSMU presidency. I may have been miles from Shatner when this tragedy occurred, but I do know this: whoever that crazy, wild-eyed assassin was, he acted alone.”

See DOE DEAD, page 2

IT MAY NOT ACTUALLY WORK. BUT PAUL S GOT A WIFE AN0 KIDS TO SUPPORT, 0.K.P

Call Paul at

398-6806

2 News

The McGill Weekly, Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Doe dead Continued from page 1

Sagel said he plans to use the million-dollar insurance claim on Doe’s death to advertise the Library Improvement Fund’s next open meeting.

“We’ll see who won’t be tempted to give us their student input now,” he said.

“I’m so fucking depressed,” said Principal Heather MunroeBlum after the ceremony. “I think I’ll have a Krispy Kreme.”

Cohen, who was being con­ soled by shipping magnate Paul Martin, remains distraught.

“I loved being the first lady so much,” said a hysterical Cohen.

“Now how will I attend all the administration mixers?” she wailed.

Doe’s body was drowned, strangled, and eaten by rats in tran­ sit to the crime lab. The coroner was, however, able to deduce that Doe was “très, très mort”.

T ra vel T h e W orld & G e t P aid to:

Teach English Overseas!

Pizza Pizza is people: Caf plot exhumed Mark Sward

Chartwells’ offerings include human flesh, sources inside McGill’s official food service provider revealed yesterday.

Ancillary Services Director Alan Charade was asked about the revelation late last night as he pre­ pared hand rolls in the Redpath Cafeteria.

“Fresh fish is so expensive, but fresh meat is readily available with 17,000 undergraduates swarming around,” he said. “Frankly, I think we could use fewer students.” He mentioned several student leaders who could contribute to Chartwells’ bottom line, specifically Students’ Society Vice-President Operations Kathleen Morrison.

“She’s been nothing but a pain in the ass,” said Charade.

Morrison says that, although she thinks day care children make delicious and healthy snacks, “Chartwells should do a better job labelling their products, but since they make no nutritional claims, they can add whatever they like to their all-dressed pizzas.”

Vice-Principal Administration and Finance Morty Yalovsky is con­ fident that Chartwells made a wise business decision by diversifying

the cuisine available to McGill stu­ dents.

“From pigeon to political sci­ ence, muskrat to management, all the options are there,” said Yalovsky as he bit into an Anthroburger.

Some students expressed reser­ vations.

“I’m not so sure how to feel about Tim Hortons Rodent Explosion muffin,” said Henry Mulkowski, U 1 International Development Studies.

In a related story, the Shatner Building’s vegan meals allegedly include Midnight Kitchen coordi­ nator Jack Norton.

Please see page 100 for complete coverage of

Queer McGill will require bisexuals to choose "Gay or straight, cither's great"

Shore to move OSD to Mont Royal Chalet

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People get their shoelaces tied together then run. Ha. Sucks to be them.

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Mark Kerr

The International Sports Verification Committee announced Monday that cheerleading is offi­ cially a sport—a decision that has sent shock waves through the world athletic community.

“We of the panel feel that cheerleading warrants sport status because of the required physical exertion and high-risk maneuvers,” wrote the ISVC in a 2-1 decision.

The International Organization of Cheerleaders brought the case before the com­ mittee five years ago. Numerous legal wranglings delayed the process.

One American juror was dis­ missed when it was revealed that her daughter was a member of the Duke University cheerleading squad.

“We couldn’t be happier. I’m just glad it’s over,” said IOC President Kim Cousins when reached at her Southern California home.

The McGill cheerleading squad hailed the decision “This has been something, like, we have felt that should’ve, like, happened a long time ago, you know what I mean?” said long-time cheerleader Suzie Diamond.

“We feel that the decision will bring a lot of respect to cheerlead­

ing, and make people look at us in a different light,” said McGill cheerleader Tiffany Goodfellow.

the bar, it just disgusts me. I wanna see the highlights of the hockey game, for Christ sakes.”

SENIOR-PHOTOS.COM

Will Paula Abdul coach the new Olympic cheerleading team?

“No longer will people say that sports should be left to the people on the field. We are a sport, dammit.”

The anti-cheerleading lobby has yet to decide whether to appeal the decision.

International recognition of cheerleading as a sport has not been accepted by all.

“This is bullshit,” said McGill U3 Physical Education student Randy Clutch. “When I see that crap on TSN when I get home from

Clutch did not understand the logic of the ruling.

“All they do is jump up and down, smile, and wave to the crowd. How is that a sport? Give me a break,” said Clutch.

The decision has given other marginal activities hope that they will one day be recognized by the ISVC. “We are hoping that dance will someday be recognized [by the ISVC]. We have come a long way in the past couple of years, but we are

definitely not cheerleading,” said Jennifer Rodriquez of M cG ill’s Dance Pak. Paula Abdul, a sports dancing icon, said that international recog­ nition is something she is working hard to achieve.

“I have met with officials over the past several years, and the progress has been phenomenal” said Abdul, who became a Los Angeles ‘Laker Girl’ in 1982. “However, I am having difficulty convincing the ISVC that the danger level [with sports dancing] is just as high as cheerleading.”

Clutch did not feel that danc­ ing should be any part of intercolle­ giate sports at McGill.

“When I go to basketball game, I want to see Domenico, Burkie and all the boys. When the girls come out at halftime, I go get a beer and chat with the regulars. I could care less,” said Clutch, a McGill sports fan that has appeared numerous times in student publica­ tions.

For A&E disc reviews, please see www.mcgilltribune.com

The McGill Weekly, Tuesday, April 1, 2003

DeCastro disappears; Police question Morrison

O!' Dirty Bastard man of the year Scott Sameroff

Laura Saba

Next year’s Students’ Society Vice-President Operations Rodrigo DeCastro disappeared on election night and has not been heard from since.

At 1:30 am on Tuesday, March 18, DeCastro gave an interview outside the Weekly office and walked out of the Shatner University Centre. The next day, his roommate reported him missing.

“Nobody has heard from him,” said a friend who did not wish to be named. “We have asked everyone he knows if they’ve seen him, from his grandmother to the creepy guy who borrowed his psych [ology] notes.”

Post 19 police have not ruled out the possibility that he was kid­ napped, but are treating DeCastro’s

disappearance as a murder investi­ gation. They did not want to reveal details about the investigation, but said that all SSMU Councillors

JENNY GEORGE

were potential suspects.

Current VP Operations Kathleen Morrison admitted to being questioned.

“I don’t know why they think I did it,” she said. “I did want Jesse [Rosenfeld, DeCastro’s opponent] to win, but I would never kill any­ body.”

She added, “I’m sure he is hid­ ing somewhere on purpose to get me into trouble.”

Martin Doe, the late SSMU president, who said he had not spo­ ken to police, came to Morrison’s defence. “Kathleen would never be capable of murder,” he said. “Rod is probably all right, and I fully expect him to resurface at the next Council Meeting. He has already missed one and is probably suffering withdraw­ al symptoms.”

DeCastro was last seen at Gert’s.

McGill seeks pot exclusivity deal F u n d s to g o to s t u d e n t re h a b ilita tio n p r o g r a m s Scott R. Medvin

T he late Students’ Society President Martin Doe announced Friday that the University admin­ istration was soliciting proposals from local marijuana dealers to establish an exclusivity deal for dis­ tribution on campus.

“This would cut back on the number of independent operators, and give students a guarantee that

to establish a new scholarship that will send one needy McGill stu­ dent to a year in the Betty Ford Clinic.

SSM U President-elect Naeem Datoo was ecstatic that negotia­ tions had begun.

“Personally, I’m a little bit tired off all the choices that are available. M -39, Northern Lights, Shiva Skunk. In the end, they all give me red eyes and a strange

for the contract, but a discarded phone bill found by the Weekly revealed that a conference call between the SSM U office, Principal Heather Munroe-Blum, Dean of Students Bruce Shore and Bordeaux Prison took place between 3:37 and 4:20 am last Thursday. Bordeaux Prison cur­ rently houses M aurice ‘Mom’ Boucher, the alleged head of the elite Nomad club of the Hell’s

News 3

In this day and age, honest, daring, unique and hardworking individuals are quite hard to come by. Add family and religion into the equation, and the field is nar­ rowed even further. W ith such a difficult set of criteria to meet, it takes one hell of an individual to earn the title of Tim e Magazine’s Man of the Year.

Going by numerous aliases, including ‘Dirt Dog’, ‘Osirus’, ‘Big Baby Jesus’ and most notably ‘OF D irty Bastard’, Russell Tyrone Jones truly embodies all the quali­ ties that Americans have come to expect from the country’s finest.

Unlike some other prominent American figures, George ‘Dubya Bush and Bill Clinton to name a few, OF Dirty Bastard doesn’t try to hide who he really is. He isn’t ashamed not to pay his child sup­ port or to speak about his repeated bouts with gonorrhoea. He’s a man who tells it how it is, and doesn’t back down to nobody, including the police.

ODB’s red-blooded debauch­ ery began in the early 90s when, along with his cousins the Rza and The Genius, he helped found the legendary rap group the Wu-Tang Clan. It was here that he was slapped with the name OF Dirty Bastard, because “There ain’t no father to his style”.

In the years that followed, ODB released a hit solo album and even did a duet with the beautiful Mariah Carey entitled “Fantasy”.

He added his brilliant rambling to another hugely successful WuTang album, and even found time to pick up his welfare cheque by way of a limousine, for all the

world to see on MTV. In 1998, the Wu-Tang Clan’s album Wu-Tang Forever was nom­ inated for a Grammy in the Best Rap Album category. After coming up short to Puff Daddy on the big night, ODB took it upon himself to raid the stage dressed in a bright red suit, and tell the world of Puff’s undeserving victory.

A little after the Grammy’s, OF Dirty publicly changed his name to ‘Big Baby Jesus’, and was soon after arrested for trying to walk out of a Virginia Beach store wearing a $50 pair of sneakers.

ODB’s legendary status con­ tinued to grow, as he managed to get kicked out of various clubs and hotels for such offences as naked­ ness and drunken threats.

Numerous other insignificant legal run-ins followed and, before long, ODB found himself a fugitive on the run. W hile hiding out, he managed to record and release new tracks, including the hit “Got Your Money”, and even attended the release party of Wu-Tang’s new CD, all unscathed. It was only recently that the police finally took this modern day outlaw down, when they sighted him outside of a M cDonald’s in Philadelphia. It seems that ODB’s presence drew such a large crowd of fans that the managers were forced to call the police.

Like they say, you can never keep a great man down, and I’m sure that OF Dirty Bastard will land on his feet. On his way down, ODB did capture our hearts and exemplify the American Spirit.

ODB has gone through painstak­ ing efforts to keep the legend alive, and hopefully it will be salvaged through one of his 13-plus chil­ dren.

DEPARTMENT OF ENGLISH PRIZES AND AWARDS

McGill

The KAY MacIVER MEMORIAL PRIZE, worth $275, for the best English essay by an undergraduate on a subject in the field of English Canadian or French Canadian literature, to be nominated by instructors.

CREATIVE WRITING The MONA ADILMAN PRIZE IN POETRY, worth $650— or $325 for two students, is open to undergraduate or graduate students registered in the Faculty of Arts for the best poem or group of poems relating to ecological or environmental concerns.

The CLARK LEWIS MEMORIAL PRIZE, worth $250, is open to major or honours stu­ dents in the Department of English. The prize is awarded annually or from time to time for original plays staged in the course of the academ ic year.

The CHESTER MACNAGHTEN PRIZES IN CREATIVE WRITING (two prizes, one of $500 and another of $350) are open to undergraduate students of the University for the best piece of creative writing in English, i.e. a story, a play, a poem, an essay, etc.

Printed compositions are ineligible if they have been published before April 16, 2002.

NATHAN LEBIODA

Dead SSMU President Martin Doe cheers Principal Heather Munroe-Blum at her Bo(n)G initiation last week.

the weed they smoke is McGillcertified,” said Doe as he took a long toke from one of the submit­ ted samples. “The extra revenue will directly benefit the student body.”

The up-front fee that will be paid by the crime syndicate that submits a winning bid will be used

desire for Alto’s poutine.

Hopefully by next year, students will be able to get quality hydro­ ponics in all Sadie’s locations and in select vending machines on campus.”

C urrent SSM U executives and U niversity adm inistrators refuse to disclose the contenders

Angels.

Board of Governors Chairm an Robert Rabinovitch, reached at home where he said he was “considering the options,” told the Weekly, “Du-u-u-u-u-de!” and giggled before hanging up the phone.

The PETERSON MEMORIAL PRIZE, worth $1,500, is open to undergraduate or grad­ uate students registered in a degree program in the Department of English with dis­ tinction in English Literature (CGPA 3.30 or above) who has also shown creative literary ability.

The LIONEL SHAPIRO AWARDS FOR CREATIVE WRITING, three prizes of $1,000 each, to be distributed if possible among the genres of poetry, fiction, screen writing and playwrighting. Each prize to be awarded on the recommendation of the Department of English to students in the final year of the B.A. course who have demonstrated out­ standing talent. (A note from your academ ic adviser verifying you will have completed your program reguirements and the minimum credits required by the Faculty of Arts (by April 2002) M U S T accompany your submission.)

These competitions are restricted to students who have not previously won the First Prize. Forms to be completed (for the creative writing prizes and awards) are available in the Department of English General Office, Arts 155. Submissions must be IN TRIPLICATE. DEADLINE: Tuesday, April 16, 2002

4 News

The McGill Weekly, Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Area freshman gets drunk, sleeps all day Mark Sward

M cG ill freshman Jeff Biermann drank several pitchers of Peel Pub beer Saturday night, and spent all of Sunday asleep on his friends couch in Douglas Hall, sources have told the M cG ill Weekly.

Biermann, who is completing his first year of a science degree, says this is a regular occurrence for him.

“Most weekends, I just get totally wasted and don’t do any work,” he said late Sunday, almost recovered from his hangover.

His friends, however, paint a different picture.

“W hen he’s not drunk off his ass, he’s smoking all [his friends’] weed,” said U0 Arts student Sylvia Jacobs, who lives on Biermann’s floor in Gardner Hall.

“It gets pretty fucking obnox­ ious—-I think he’s well on his way to being a raging alcoholic,” she said.

Biermann is not worried about his habits, arguing that “all freshmen do it, it’s part of univer­ sity life. I’ll stop drinking some­ day.”

U nited States government experts have consistendy empha­ sized the nefarious effects of alco­ hol consumption.

Root causes “You have to find the problem at its root,” said noted television psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw.

“Come to terms with your drink­ ing—and you’ll find deep in your soul that you really don’t need to,” he said to an applauding Oprah W infrey S how audience.

Biermann and his friends, however, call McGraw’s words

McGill athletes take over SSMU Council Adam Klevinas

In a surprising session of Students’ Society Council, mem­ bers o f M cG ill Athletics used brute force to subdue the weak student politicians who inhabit the Shatner Building. The athletes, clad in football, hockey and lacrosse gear stormed into the Lev Bukhman Council Room Thursday night and demanded that the non-athletes vacate the room or suffer severe conse­ quences. The athletes, incompre­ hensible because they did not remove their mouth guards, appeared to be attem pting to express their disgust that the gym renovation fee was not passed this term.

SSM U president-elect Naeem Datoo was outraged at the coup, but soon took a passive stance against the 300-pound linemen, who easily tossed him out of the room.

“It’s unbelievable!” exclaimed Datoo, “We were discussing how big my new office was going to be

and the next thing you know, I’m out of my new leather La-Z-Boy and into the hallway.”

However, Datoo surrendered his cricket bat and pledged his support to the new athletic overlords.

“I think that this would be the best time to mention that my support for McGill Athletics runs far greater than that of SSMU Council. Did I mention that I will be availing my services to our new leaders?”

An unidentified masked hockey player, the only athlete not too busy throwing Council mem­ bers out of the room, commented on the new take-over.

“You knew it was going to happen one of these days, don’t act so surprised!” commented the player, “This plan has been in the works for years.”

The new Council has yet to reveal its plans for the 2003-2004 school year, but inside sources have indicated that increased funds for kayaking are on the table.

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“bullshit”.

“I’m sick of hearing that shit,” said Jacobs. “Yeah, it’s annoying when you have to take care of your puking friends, but come on, alco­ hol rules!”

University administrators rec­ ognize the issue of alcohol abuse on campus.

“T h at’s why we kept that crappy hospital all the way up there [by upper residences],” said Principal Heather Munroe-Blum.

M unroe-Blum added that, while alcohol can be a concern for University officials, “crack [cocaine] is really a lot more of a problem.”

Please see page 200 for com­ plete coverage of Subcommittee's subcommittee forms task force

KRISTEN MALLORY

Froshie was ordered to bedrest by his frazzled brain. Doctors say he will live

Housing shortage solved Jennifer Jett

An insufficient number of Residence beds, combined with a low vacancy rate in Montreal leaves hundreds of incoming freshmen each year scrambling to find a place to hang their hats. In response to the student housing shortage, McGill Residence administrators have come up with several creative new ways to increase the number of students they can accommodate.

“Our ideas require some coor­ dination on the part of students, but I think they will be extremely satisfied with the new approach,” said Flo Tracy, director of Residences and Student Housing.

While the proposed rotating schedule will assign two students to

a single room, the exact plan is still up in the air. One option is to have one student attend classes during the day, occupying the room at night, while the other attends night classes and sleeps during the day.

On their housing question­ naires, students will be asked which schedule they prefer.

“Most students are night owls anyway, so why shouldn’t we use that to our benefit?” Tracy asked.

“Not only will this alleviate the housing problem, but class sizes should shrink as well.”

Administrators are still negoti­ ating with professors over who will teach the night shift.

Alternately, the quasi-roommates may split up occupation of their rooms by days.

“M y roommate and I decided

that I’ll get the bed Monday through Wednesday, then he gets it until Saturday,” said McConnell Hall resident Jeremy Ackerman, who will return to Residences next year. “On Sundays, we’ll flip for it.”

In addition, Residences has asked the McGill chapter of Habitat for Humanity to assist in the ongoing construction of lowcost housing on Lower Field, to be completed by next fall if the University’s purchase of the Renaissance Hotel du Parc, the Delta or another downtown hotel, is derailed because of media inter­ ference.

“I can’t think of a better loca­ tion to be on campus,” Habitat for Humanity member Marta Wallace said as she put up drywall. “This is McGill’s best idea yet.”

Identical twins join Weekly staff Lady Holiday's jewel's stolen: Fashion queen of London robbed

The McGill Weekly, Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Krispy Kreme com es to M cGill Doughnuts reported to be "fucking good" Sam Goffman

“Holy shit! Krispy Kreme doughnuts have fucking come to McGill.”

This was the sentiment echoed by many students and faculty last week, as USbased doughnut company Krispy Kreme made its m uch-anticipated entry onto the McGill campus.

“I seriously cannot fucking believe it,” said an excited Katie Emerald, U2 Political Science.

“I mean, we’re talking about fuck­ ing Krispy Kreme here. Holy fucking shit!”

“They’re bitchin’,” commented English Professor Ernest Twiddle, wiping crumbs off his mouth.

“They should be called ‘Bitchin’ Kreme’.”

Initial protests of American economic imperialism were soon drowned out once everybody real­

ized how incredibly fucking amaz­ ing these doughnuts are.

“At first, I was all about stand­ ing up for the rights ofTim Horton

an a e v er y th i n g, ” said Carl Reate, U1 Engineering.

“But then I sank my teeth into the

soft, moist goodness of a glazed Krispy Kreme and, you know what?

Fuck.”

“Each bite is like a party in my mouth,” explained McGill Principal Heather M unroe-B lum .

“These things are absolutely fan-fuckingtastic.”

D ue to this reaction, K rispy K rem e execu­ tives are consid­ ering a change in the brand’s motto.

“We’re thinking of chang­ ing our motto from ‘Everybody loves Krispy Kreme doughnuts!’ to ‘We’re fucking amazing,”’ said Keith Mreek, manager of Montreal Krispy Kreme stores. “And, I mean, it’s true. Our doughnuts are real­ ly fuck-a-licious.”

GRAPHIC FROM APHRODITEWOMENSHEALTH.COM

WebCT to offer pay-for-porn service beginning in Fall 03 Administrators hope for opporntunity to increase profits Mark Sward

WebCT, the web-based instructional tool used by many McGill professors as a supplement to in-class activities, will offer pornography to paying McGill cus­ tomers starting in the fall of 2003.

“We did extensive market research, and we found that students are not interested in sociological or polit­ ical discussions,” said Vice-Principal Information and Technology Anthony Masi, “and it gets pretty boring looking at old PowerPoint presentations.” Masi believes that WebCT users need a relaxing alternative to schoolwork.

The service, which will cost students $14.95 per month for unlimited usage, will include videos, still photographs and live webcams in McGill residences. It will cater to students of all genders and sexualities.

“We want to provide the best services in the indus­ try at an affordable price for students,” said Masi.

Vice-Principal Administration and Finance Morty Yalovsky believes that WebCT porn is a good way to make up for McGill’s lack of government funding.

“We expect this to bring in millions [of dollars],” he said. “Quebec universities are underfunded by $375-million.”

In a related story, residence directors expect room doors to be locked more often.

“A lot of people leave their doors open when they’re in their rooms,” said Solin Hall floor fellow Frank Desjardins. “W ith more porn available online at better prices, I think we’ll see residents less inclined to socialize when they have access to their computers,” he said.

Professors, who have been given laptops in exchange for using WebCT, expect to see a rise in usage among their ranks as well.

“W hen you’re uploading course information, you’ll be able to check out hot naked chicks too—who

News 5

McGill renamed Harvard of the North Katie Fugler_________________

McGill University has been renamed Harvard of the North as a condition of the poor but presti­ gious Montreal university’s sale to its richer Ivy League rival, Boston’s Harvard University.

“As Canada’s most research­ intensive university, McGill is home to an impressive number of superb scholars and outstanding students and staff,” said McGill Principal Heather Munroe-Blum, while shaking Harvard President Lawrence H. Summers’ hand after handing over the titles to McGill’s downtown and Macdonald cam­ puses. “We have already been using the term ‘Harvard of the North’ in much of our promotional material, so this seemed like a logical fundraising choice.”

Munroe-Blum cited a study that found that Quebec universities were underfunded by $375-million, while Harvard’s endowment is greater than Canada’s gross national product.

“We’re poorer because we’re very constrained on other channels for revenue generation,” said Munroe-Blum, who grinned like the Cheshire cat as she accepted Harvard’s cheque.

“This money may let us begin construction of the new Music building,” Munroe-Blum ann­ ounced, although Dean of Music Don McLean muttered that Peter Trent would get his city back and the Expos would win the World Series before the first backhoe hit the ground.

W illiam C. Kirby, dean of the

Faculty of Arts and Sciences, said during the wine and cheese recep­ tion, “The inferior Canadian dollar, combined with the lower tuition rates, the metropolitan jo ie d e vivre of Montreal and Canada’s relative safety from terrorist attacks make this an opportunity that Harvard could not pass up.”

While students graduating this year will not receive Harvard degrees, Munroe-Blum said McGill is offering a consolation prize.

“We are giving out the leftover t-shirts from last year’s frosh week—so as long as you wear it to job interviews, everyone will still recognize that you attended McGill, the Harvard of the North.”

This is not the first time that McGill has engaged in cross-brand­ ing. This year, the University began to offer McGill diplomas via Universitas 21. Also, during the mid-1990s budget crunch, former McGill principal Bernard Shapiro sought the aid of his twin brother Harold, who was then president of Princeton University in New Jersey.

However, the new names for the schools, “McGill of New Jersey” and “Princeton of the Tundra”, caused application rates to plum­ met.

In related news, Queen’s University is planning to sue M acleans for libel and McGill for antitrust violations, but in the meantime, the school in Kingston, Ontario, has partnered with Texas A&M. “We hear they have sheep,” said Queen’s Principal W illiam C. Leggett, who licked his lips in anticipation.

A rt e x h ib it sh o ck s concern over the disappearance of several Van Medson’s— including Van and Bust o f a Busty Bust—and Critics have expressed a mix­ Bob (surname unknown) who had ture of praise and bewilderment at been with the mausoleum since minimalist artist Emma T. Roberts’ 1923. new exhibition, The C om pletely Roberts’ whereabouts are cur­ Empty Room. The exhibition, which rently unknown, but she was sup­ opened recendy at the Montreal posed to have already commenced Contemporary Art Mortuary, work on the second piece in this appears to consist of a locked empty series, The C om pletely Empty New windowless room in the basement York State M useum o f M odem Art. of the MCAM building and has However, this morning, at a hear­ been widely regarded as the first ing demanding a court order to modern exploration of “the vacuity open the room, investigators pre­ of contemporary emptiness.” sented new evidence suggesting Nevertheless, this latest work that the room had been locked

by Roberts has drawn only mild from the inside and that Roberts enthusiasm, possibly because, fol­ could potentially still be inside it. lowing her instructions, nobody is The situation was further to be admitted to the exhibition. aggravated by an interuption from “Clearly, zomeone cannot enter zee the spectators’ gallery. An irrate Van room,” she is said to have said in a Medson, who had attended this perfectly phoney French accent, morning’s session, stood up and I “because if zomeone enters zee yelled something to the effect that, hempty room, zee room will no if Roberts was still in the empty longer bee a hempty room.” room, entry by the police would do Unfortunately, the opening of no further damage to the artwork. the exhibition has been marred by He also asked the jury for a controversy and yesterday was speedy resolution to the scandal. closed pending a court hearing. The judge asked the jury to ignore MCAM officials alleged that the this irrelevant outburst and Van paintings, furniture and ushers that Medson was forcibly removed from Roberts removed from the room in the court. order to create her piece were never | returned and expressed particular Carl Boim

A***

GL0BALP0TD.COM

The University will save money using cartoons.

wouldn’t want that?” said Biology professor Rick Little.

Charges will appear on students’ tuition bills. As the University does not want to alarm parents, the line item will be disguised under the name “culture and education fee”.

6 News

The McGill Weekly, Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Tonal Ecstasy I ’ve seen yow guyy perform/before and/1 th in k yow’re awesome. Iy th ere any chance yow m ight be interested/ in perform ing a t w fetish night? l t d require th e membery to dress up in black/ leather outfits, w hich we’d provide, a n d ro le play w little d u rin g th e performance. The com pensation would be generous. Please le t me know whether yow’d be interested. , "

■ ”*

An ignorant student's tales of woe

ijy Just wondering if you would be able to give me some more information. We’re coming into a really busy season with school and we don’t have much time. Where exactly and how would you want Us to perform? Basically, if you could just let me know some more details, anything that you know, that would be great.

Free Burma Coalition

eeing that it’s April Fools’ Day, those of us at Features with a little too much time on our hands decided to have a bit of fun. We emailed various campus groups and celebrities under a pseudonym—meet Carol—with various (read stupid) questions. Thanks for being such good sports... Happy April Fools!

S

Vew r

M

o Q M / CU aJt ...

McGill Improv seen yow guyy perform/ before/ and/I think/ you/’re/ awesome/. Iy there/ any chance/ yow m ight be/ interested/ in performing/ a t a/ fetish/ night? ltd/ require/ the/ membery to- dress up in black leather outfits, which we’d provide (a/ little/ goth, but not quite), and/ incorporate some ro le play/fantasies in to you r performance/. The com pensation would/ be generous Please le t me know whether you/’d/ be interested/.

I ’ve-

Thanks for the complihient.

Could yotl provide us With a few more details? Is the idea that we’d perform Qticc or on an ongoing (weekly?) basis if the show were well received? IJpw long would such a show last?

Could you describe what you mean by fetish night?

Could yOp also describe the venue, and the types of patrons?

I’m not sure from your email if it was more of a sex-toy party in someone’s living room, or drag night at an S&M bar.

Also, our bread and butter is comedic improv. Up until now, we’ve always treated naughty audience suggestions with a mix of satire and the absurd. Is that what you’re looking for?

You mentioned incorporating role-playing and fantasies— would we be trying to get the audience laughing or titillated?

Thanks for thinking of us.

Drivesafe I ’m/ju st w ritin g to say th a t I think/ yow guyy provide a/ really valu ab le service and/ I really appreciate w hat yow do. However, I way disappoint­ ed/ when I looked/ and/ looked/ fo r yow guyy outside knit la st Satu rday and/ yow were nowhere to be found! W hat happened/? I t way my friendly big birthday party and/ w lo t o f ay needed/toget home.

I hope yow guyy wilb be better prepared/ for such la rg e parties- in th e future. __ J ^

// ' VV I’m really confused as to what event you are referring to?

Drivesafe docs not operate every night. We operate Only on events when the organisers want us to provide the service. In that case they have td sign a contract atid pay for the Services.

I hope this clears your doubt. s—

McGill Inter-Greek Letter Council I’m /thinkingofcom ingtoM oG ilbnextyear and/ a/bigpart o f my decision iy going tobebased/onthe Greek/ life. Now, I h ear th e fr a t guyy a t Western a re pretty hot, y o l wayw onderinghow McGillcompares.

Like obviously McGill’s w g re a t school/, but a re th ere a lo t o fh o tfra ty ? T haty th e way my parents met ( monv in a/sorority, dad/ in w fra t) s o l wayju st wondering.

Well, off the record, of course, I would definitely say that McGill has its share of hot fiat guys. In total, McGill has four sororities on campus and eight fraternities—you do the math!

Just out of interest, which fraternity is your dad part of and which sorority is you mom part of? There is a lot of interGreek dating here, due to mixers, parties and many of us tend to go to the TNT (Thursday Night Tradition) at Gert’s (the campus bar). Anyway, I hope this helps you somewhat.

Your club- sounds really interesting a n d I’d really lik e to sta rt payin g m ore a tten tio n to th e w orld a ro u n d me a n d g et involved in som ething meaningfub. So if yow don’t mind, c a n yow telb me wh a tth esto ry with/Burma iy? W hoisshe? W hat d id she d o a n d w h o iykeepingher? I h ear yow guyy a re a good club- w ith a worthy cause/ a n d I ’d be happy to help in any way I can.

It’s great to see you’re interested in the Free Burma Coalition. Learning about this Southeast Asian country and the issues of human rights and democracy it involves is defi­ nitely the first step before engaging in any meaningful action.

I suggest you consult our website, where you will be able to find tons of information. We also have a few campaigns going on, to which you can partictpate through our website.

Hope we’ll keep in touch, don’t hesitate to email if you have any specific questions or issues.

Choral Society Your club- sounds really interesting. I don’t h ave any d ivin g experience. B ut I’ve h a d frien ds who’ve gone to th e G reat B arrier 'Reefy a n d sa id they were am aging. W hat kin d o f trips d o yow guyy do? Where else d o they have good chorab reefy? I h ear Mexico? ® Sorry to disappoint, but “choral” in McGill Choral Society refers to choir cgyihtxrus as in singing. We would still love to have ÿfjpH §»pR “w our group next year if you are interested!

Canadian Alliance Your club sounds k in d o f interesting, but w hat a re yow a llie d again st? V o n t yow need to be a n a llia n c e ag ain st something? Please le t me know, because it does sound really n eat a n d I’ve h eard from/ friends th a t yow guyy d o a lo t o f really in te r­ esting stuff.

Give me a call, I’d like to meet up on campus with you for just a few minutes at least. I’ll tell you everything about the club. [David Anber, President, leaves his phone number]

Polish Students' Association I’m/ looking for someone nam ed V%ido a n d someone nam ed Monika. They’reb o th from Ottawa.

Voyowknow w herethey could be? I t y really urgent andyow ’rem y la sth o p e a y l d o n th a v e a n y contact inform ation. C an yow get them to calb h om ef We don’t have these names in our database.

Habitat for Humanity Your club sounds k in d o f interesting, but you r nam e k in d o f confuses me. W hat d o yow m ean by h a b ita t fo r hum anity? I t y n o tlik eh u m an ity’y some k in d o f th in g th a t c a n be contained, it needs to Spread throughout th e w orld to m ake th is p lan et a better place! Why a re yow try in g to co n tain it?

Thanks for your interest in Habitat. Tfyou’d like to learn more about how Habitat for Humanity defines “humanity”, you might want to check out the website: wwW.habitat.org. If this doesn’t help you enough, send me another email.

ACE McGill Your club sounds k in d o f interesting but don’t yow think/ it s a little haughty to cold yourselves "ACE”? ThenI also- re a lise d i t y probably abunch/of fo rtu n e 100 w annabes from/ Management. V o yow th in k entrepreneurship wilb really g et yow a n y ­ where? I t y n o t even a co n cen tratio n in M anagem ent a n d thereh aven’t been an y successful entrepreneurs fo r th e past 50 years or so.

ACH stands for Advancing Canadian Entrepreneurship We’re affiliated with a variety of other entrepreneurship groups across Canada. Many of the goals of the group, including ours, are related to more social causes. Actually, entrepreneurship is a concentration in Management. Within the last 50 years, there have been some succesful entrepre neurs such as the owner of Aldo, Bill Gates, Heather Reisman and even Oprah. Most of the people in the group are not in Management, and those that are, have a strong drive that makes them want to be involved in different proj ects that surpass the boundaries of McGill.

I’m sorry to dissapoint you, but none of us are Fortune 500 wannabees.

Best Buddies I was w ondering whether I could ask/ for a best buddy. I’ve alw ays h a d a lo t o f good buddies, but never a/best one. I h ear your club is really good for that. Could yow match/ me ftp 71 wouddyeally appre­ f^ y fin q e i'!. cia ted . P leaselet me If you really are in f a f f e d ’ contact us in SeptemberljWe will Take <

Kathleen Morrison, SSMU VP O peration^ I’m sta rtin g up w new m agagine a n d I w as w ondering whether yow could m odel fo r it. I noticed you r legacy la st y e a r (a n d I believe th a t yow were nude). This one w ould n e t require nudity a t alb, don’t worry. Ju s t a little S£rM gear, naughty, naughty!

Sorry all booked up until next September. And my going rate is $50 per hour. ;)

And then there are the clubs that we wish had written us back. Show us some love!

Chinese Christian Fellowship I ’m ju s t w ritin g to le t yow know th a t I th in k th a t you r club is n o t only discrim inatory based o n relig io n but also o n ethnicity too. I think/ th a t y horrible, especially in th is day a n d age. W hat d o yow have to say for yourselves?

Save the Children Your club sounds really interesting. I was ju st wondering, w hat have they been d o in g with/ the ch ild ren a n d how a re yow p lan n in g o n saving them/? I’ve never thought abou t it, but I never açtu a lly see any ch ild ren around. I think/ i f f really strange, s o l think/ i t y a really g re a t th in g yow guy y a re doing. Anyway, I w ould bsveto help yow in your crusade. I love children.

Association for the Development of Aerospace Medicine (ADAM) I ’m/ th in kin g o f sta rtin g a club ca lled EVE (Exciting Vegan Events) a n d noticed th a t your clubs is AVAM. W ould yow be interested in doing some events together, or being ou r a ffilia te d club?

I t could be a u n io n o f th e ebuby type deab, y ’know?

Ay in Adorn/ a n d Eve? Let me know w hat yow think.

European Network I think/ i t m ight be cool to jo in you r club. I t sounds k in d o f interesting, b u t d o n t they alread y have a club lik e th a t c a lled th e European Union?

The tw o sound really sim ilar. I h ear abou t th e EU albthetim e, but I guessyow guyy a re rv t ashigh/profile? C an yow ju st describe th e differences between your tw o ebuby? I can’t fig u re o u t which/ one I w ant to jo in , someone to ld me th e EU is m ore powerful?

Then w hat d o yow do?

Independent Political Students' Assocation Tm/aU2 PobiSci student a n d interested in your club, th e only th in g is, I ’m/ not quite independent I work/ in the summery but my parents d o stdb sup port me. W ould th a t beaprobLem? Because I’d re a l ly lik e to jo in a n d see w hat yow guyy discuss in meetings a n d I think/ i t y awesome th a t yow guyy a re alb independent, I ’m/ really striving tow ards that. P leaselet me know if th a t w ouldbe aprobLem.

lo v e /

o t w

a y y ,

Carol'

( a h a / P a s d t h e w i / £r h ) a t )

The McGill Weekly, Tuesday, April 1, 2003

News 7

WeEkLyBrleFs Saddam Hussein wins Iraq i Id o l unanimously Iraqi overnight pop sensation President Saddam Hussein shocked the world last week by exploding onto the pop music scene. A unani­ mous voting panel declared Hussein victorious in the Middle Eastern spin-off of the widely acclaimed A m erican Idol. Using the ironic pseudonym of ‘Da Bomb’, Hussein captivated the Al-Jazeera airwaves with his unique rendition of James Brown’s “Livin’ in (fear of) America”.

Sporting feathered fatigues, his famous moustache sparkled with sil­ ver, his thick hair in cornrows, Baghdad’s Bad-Ass blew away the competition, further solidifying his awe-inspiring 80 per cent approval rating among his legions of follow­ ers.

Hussein defeated his closest competitor, fellow chanteur and Iraqi Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz, to seal his fate as the prestigious Iraqi Idol. To celebrate his landslide vic­ tory, Hussein threw a massive Bush Party amidst a sandstorm of media at his presidential bunker, passing out monkey masks and chanting, “We are the champions.”

Unfortunately, the incumbent Iraqi Idol’s triumph was mired in controversy, as allegations of a Hussein stand-in swept through the streets of Baghdad like a Tomahawk missile. These accusations were pre­ cluded by reports by the CIA, asserting that Hussein’s facial fea­ tures seemed to match those of a

«

m

known Iraqi presidential look-a­ like. US intelligence experts later noted, however, that Hussein’s body doubles have never been known to sing, thus all but confirming his innocence.

What does the future have in store for the new Iraqi Idol? Well, maybe Saddam himself said it best: “Next year, you’ll see the Tenor Alert on Red! Ha! Ha! Ha!” His fans will just have to wait and see.

—D anny Chodos Saeed Fotuhi runs for prime minister of Canada Saeed Fotuhi, former Students’ Society presidential candidate, kicked off his campaign for prime minister of Canada this morning by plastering “Speed Speed Saeed” posters all over Parliament Hill.

Canadian Alliance leader Stephen Harper said this morning that he will be “taking this matter of an unfair campaign advantage” to the Supreme Court to be reviewed.

In response, Fotuhi placed posters around Harper’s home that read “Slanderous and Biased”.

Last night, Fotuhi was elected leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, with support from current Prime Minister Jean Chrétien and, surprisingly, New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton, who appeared in a press conference calling Fotuhi the “Kim Campbell of the Liberal Party.”

“I think that’s a great compli­ ment,” said Chrétien. “After all, she

was the prime minister of Canada. ” Fotuhi’s campaign is also sup­ ported by LL Cool J and Yasser Arafat, among others.

Running on an anti-racism platform, Fotuhi plans to use his influence with the United Nations to pass a resolution that will stop all merciless killing in the Third World, and bring peace to the Middle East.

He also hopes to bring an equitable diamond trade to southern Africa.

Deputy Prime Minister John Manley and former finance minister Paul Martin, who both ran for the Liberal leadership, declined to com­ ment.

—D any Horovitz Administration offers Arts students research McGill is combining the tradi­ tional Arts undergraduate experi­ ence with research opportunities through a novel collaboration with private industry, announced Principal Heather Munroe-Blum on Friday.

“For too long, we have not exposed Arts students to the cutting-edge research performed by McGill professors,” said MunroeBlum to administrators, professors and pharmaceutical company exec­ utives in Redpath Hall. “Now, even students pursuing unmarketable degrees in the liberal arts and social sciences will get first-hand experi­ ence in the breakthroughs that make all our lives better, through mandatory participation.”

The enthusiasm of Fred Sagel,

Students’ Society vice-president uni­ versity affairs, was electric.

“This is a great—aaack—first step—oooh—but I’m not sure— yikes—this is what—youch--- the Boyer Report had—oh, dear moth­ er of God—in mind,” wailed Sagel, whose head, torso and appendages were studded with electrodes con­ nected to an OmniShock2000 gen­ erator. The technician operating the device said that real-world applica­ tion of results from this research might increase Nestlé’s fourth-quar­ ter earnings by as much as three cents a share.

Dean of Students Bruce Shore said that his approval of the Arts Undergraduate Society’s request to continue collecting fees for the Arts Student Employment Fund, which failed to meet quorum last year, helped get the program through the Academic Planning and Policy Committee.

“Since Arts students are paid the mere work-study rate of $6.50 an hour for their participation in the research, McGill gets to keep all the indemnities,” he said. “That revenue will pay for more quiches and egg rolls, and possibly even more elaborate hors d’oeuvres, at the University receptions I attend.”

— Games Games Jam es Studies reveal reality TV sucks The latest study performed by the Television and Radio Time Investment Group confirms that, contrary to previous outcomes from similar studies, reality television

does in fact suck big time.

“As it turns out, reality televi­ sion shows have always sucked, we just haven’t been aware of it until now,” said TRTIG President Ralph Handerson. “But I am willing to confirm that, in fact, reality televi­ sion sucks very much and very hard.”

After scores and scores of stud­ ies indicating that shows like S urvivor and Are You H ot? have redeeming qualities, it was discov­ ered through newly installed securi­ ty cameras that these results were false. It seems as though CBS gold­ en boy, original S urvivor winner Richard Hatch, had been sabotag­ ing the results of various studies from the very beginning.

—D any Horovitz D aily seeks F aucet opt-out The M cG ill D aily, the $10-peryear socialist campus teen magazine beloved for its letters describing prof-love, announced Tuesday that it is seeking an opt-out from the P lum ber’s Faucet, McGill’s foremost source of non-pubic humour.

“There are more lefties here than engineers-to-be,” commented D aily coordinating editor Phillip Todd. “W hy should we pay for their lever and fulcrum humour?”

However, Can West Global on Wednesday purchased all campus media. Henceforth, the Daily, the Tribune, the R ed H erring, the Reporter and the F aucet will share editorial content.

— Games Games Jam es

mi k’

Landing a job is one of the most difficult hurdles that graduating seniors face. However, it can be a lot easier with the aid and guidance of a personal, professional career counselor. That is why GradZone has teamed up with DBM Real World 101 to give away a free Real World 101 program, which includes a career coach (valued at $395). With a little luck, you could win a year-long Real World 101 program to help you with your career planning.

register to win at www.mcgilltribune.com/gradzone

click career coach

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8 Op/Ed

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Opinion

Editorial

;

Letters

EDITORIAL

Peru’s got an army?

“A n d I, I m ust be high, to say goodbye. ” — J e f f Tweedy (W ilco)

So it goes James Empringham

A hh... nope. Not gonna do it. I promise.

Nope, I’m not gonna go gettiri all self-indulgent on you in this mod­ est piece of black and white real estate that being the editor-in-chief for the past year has afforded me. Not because I couldn’t, mind you— for instance, nary a day passes that I’m not approached by someone touched by a hard-hitting editorial I wrote way back in third year on the inap­ propriateness of babes in Molson spandex dancing on risers at SSMU events— but because you’re all fed up with people from the Toronto area carrying on about themselves. I understand, I know how they are.

In the spirit of some rather pertinent global events, however, the nui­ sance of needing to justify absolutely everything is perhaps a moot point anyway. Besides, since when did those of us at university let something like reason ever get in the way of a good time? Sandwiched between an anxious adolescence and the likely monotony of adulthood, the universi­ ty experience teaches us what is needed to survive in the marketplace: strength, character, resolve and, most importantly, a brand new collection of bad habits.

Over the span of a few brief years, we procrastinate, gain weight, lose weight, purchase bifocals, procrastinate some more for good measure and emerge as first-rate consumers eager to spend prospective wages on more coffee, beer and take-out food. (My diploma says Poli Sci and English, but my heart says sleep deprivation and binge-drinking!)

So, just what’s left to hold the whole thinly veiled pretense together?

The passion of the students who realize how fortunate they are to be at university, of course.

At carrels and at class, on campus and off, students pursue that which defines them, in their own way. All the while, nasty rumours of the ‘real-world’ abound, but it’s those who understand the real world as the one that exists in the here and now, who are preparing themselves for whatever it is that may come next. Whether the future brings with it a sleek new family sedan or a vegan co-op in Yucatan, to borrow a line from Bob Dylan, at some point, we’ll all be called upon to make our cheques to tax-deductible charity organizations, or was that live out on the street and gonna have to get used to it?

So it goes.

The impressive list of 46 coun­ tries, now dubbed the “coalition of the ‘willing’” includes such staunch US allies as Micronesia, the Marshall Islands, Palau, Eritrea and the very willing Turks. While boast­ ing the huge number 46, we must wonder, what happens to all the rest? The list does not include approximately 150 countries, 148 by my count, who must now be considered “against us (meaning the U S)”, since President Bush has drawn his line in the sand. Though we cannot list them all here, and none boast the “relevance” of Palau (does this make Palau “New

******* It’s been both a pleasure and an honour this year to have worked with a collection of people as talented, dedicated and scholastically tru­ ant as this year’s Tribune editorial board. As described by a friend, this year’s ed-board is one composed of people who take their work seriously, but not themselves. For the past 26 weeks, we’ve enjoyed putting togeth­ er a newspaper that we hope has helped to connect McGill’s vast constel­ lation of students, professors, parents and over-arching bureaucracy. We are proud to have been recognized as McGill’s “Publication of the Year” for the year 2002-03. The distinction is a testament to the dedication of 18 editors, a multitude of talented writers and photographers, a handful of columnists, our favourite Ad Man Paul Slachta and our trusty printing manager Chad Ronalds. Thanks for paying attention, for however long, and thank you Tribune, for allowing me to graduate with a more inter­ esting collection of vices than I’d ever imagined possible.

the

McGILL TRIBUNE

Edito r -in -C hief James Empringham A ssistant Edito r -in -C hiee Raquel kirsch P r o d u c t io n M an ag er Michael Liew

.

BiSl

Stop the Press C harade on the take?

It is clear that Ancillary Services, headed up by Director Alan Charade, is moving along a destructive path of corporatizing the McGill student experience at the expense of the average student and student association as well as faculty and staff. Mark Sward’s arti­ cle in last week’s Tribune entitled “Residence, campus food service to be corporatized” hallmarks another bullet point in this downward spi­ ral.

Mr. Alan Charade’s services were first provided at McGill to the Macdonald Campus, where he removed students’ control of an independent food service and turned it over to the biggest union buster in the food services industry, Sodexho-Mariott.

But no, it didn’t stop there!

Under the guise of “increasing serv­ ice”, the beloved hot dog carts have been ousted from campus and the

Sports Editors Mark Kerr Sarah Wright

Features Editors Natalie Fletcher Panthea Lee

Photo Editors Jenny George Nathan Lebioda

Entertainm ent Editors Ric Lambo Scott Medvin

O n lin e Editors John Gosset Lynne Hsu

100 more countries I could name that the US is now against.

Furthermore, these countries are virtually all w illingly unwilling.

While much has been made of the French coercion of New Europe, little has been said of the American tactics in securing their coalition. It is not surprising that so many of the willing are also hugely dependent on American economic aid. The administration’s attempt to portray this war as being pursued with broad international support is utterly absurd.

Sincerely, Kevin Gourlay BAU3

remaining independent food serv­ ices, such as Pino & Matteo, have been threatened. If you want to know why our historical campus is tattooed with “preferred providers” Coca-Cola and Chartwells, this is the man who is responsible.

The future plans include total retail integration: M y McGill Points® card, with a ridiculous interest rate gladly provided by Royal Bank, will allow me to buy everything from sweatshop cloth­ ing at the McGill Bookstore to that late-night unhealthy vending machine snack. And the corpora­ tions shall take their two per cent cut from my purchases! When I think of all the items that first need to be improved at this university (environment, student/faculty rat­ io, advising), it has become increas­ ingly apparent that what Ancillary Services’ world is advocating really does not fit my definition of “maximizjing] benefits and to better serve the McGill Community.”

I have been at McGill for five long years and have grown weary that this university is reaching a

point where it has become accept­ able that students are to be treated as if they only represent goldmine^ of exploitable rich-Ontario-dadd, dollars. Ideas such as corporal campus food, retail hubs, mandato­ ry meal plans and campus sectors are completely contrary to the ide i that a university should be about freedom of ideas and choices.

In conclusion, Mr. Charade, there will be students watching yo i next year. We have been patient and waiting for the past three yeai for even a peep of communication.

It’s not as if you were not able to find one of the 25)000 plus of us on the downtown McGill campus to even talk to. Nice try with the “Talk 2 Us!” communicatio n boards in your corporate cafeterias, but what we really want is dialogue, not top down threats from your cronies at Chartwells and Coke.

S-flçtSt

C o p y Editor Karen Kelly Layout Editor Tomoko Shida A dvertising and M arketing M anager Paul Slachta A d Typesetter Siu-Min Jim

Staff: John Bowden, David Brodkey, Brody Brown, Caitlin M. Buckley, Thobey Campion, Danny Chodos, Matt Delinger, Jeremy Dietz, Kim D'Souza, Patrick Fok, Katie Eugler, Rashan Galagoda, Dany Horovitz, Jennifer Jett, Nicole Leaver, Andre Legaspi, loana Luca, Michael Mahoney, Ariane Malawski, Creg McKenna, Soumo Mukherjee, Julie Peters, Evan Placey, Spencer Ross, Laura Saba, lames Scarfone, Andrew Segal, Nadia Sulistiono, Liz Truchanowicz, Chris Whibbs, tosh Wilner, Nina Zacharides.

Kathleen Morrison SSMU VP Ops U3 Biochemistry and Management

© M a t t D ellinger 2002

I We are waging J war against our j greatest

is an editorially autonomous newspaper published by the Students' Society of M cGill University

N ew s Editors James Grohsgal Kate Rhodes Mark Sward

Oceania” and Tuvalu “Old Oceania”?), I think a few should be mentioned: Argentina, Austria, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium, Bolivia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Brazil, Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada, Chile, China, Croatia, Mexico, Mozambique, New Zealand, Nigeria, Norway, Pakistan, Paraguay, Peru, Russia, Ecuador, Egypt, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Guatemala, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Ireland, Israel (although certainly for differ­ ent reasons), Jordan, Kenya, North Korea, South Korea, Saudi Arabia, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Ukraine, Uruguay, Vatican City, Venezuela, Vietnam and Zimbabwe. Of course, there are

Look at him with that fake moustache and crooked grin!

He's plotting our destruction just as we speak. But we'll show him, yes, we'll strike first!

Sounds more like

you're plotting

his destructio

Letters must include author's name, signature, identification (e.g. U2 Biology, SSMU President), telephone number and be typed double-spaced, letters more than 200 words, pieces for Stop the Press more than 500 words, or submissions judged by the editor-in-chief to be libellous, sexist, racist, homophobic, or solely promotional in nature, w ill not be published. The Tribune will make all reasonable efforts to print submissions provided that space is available, and reserves the right to edit letters for length. Letters may be submitted to the Tribune office, .faxed to 298-1750, e-mailed to tribune@ssmu.mcgill.ca or submitted via the Tribune web­ site.

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The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Opinion Pom p and parquet M y mother graduated from McGill in 1968. Her ceremony was—yes—held in the gymnasium.

But instead of individually strolling across the stage, being tapped by the dean of the faculty, they were given the distinct honour of standing as one class. No indi­ vidual acclaim, no opportunity for parents to take photos— rather, they were told to stand as one class, and as a unit were deemed gradu­ ates.

While I may at least get to stroll across the stage and hear my

Stop the Press J. Roberts’ statement “International Law must be under­ stood in a political context” is a precise definition of Canada’s problems over the UN’s position on Iraq, Afghanistan and Kosovo.

The American president is bound by the US Constitution to protect the country’s interests, so Prof.

Peter Leuprecht’s sophistry about the “law-based approach of the UN” doesn’t make much sense in the context of entrenched vetoes for the five member nations of the UN’s inner sanctum, USA, Russia, France, China and the United Kingdom. International law lacks democratic credibility because of the use of these vetoes to OVER­ RIDE IT. Canada has been censured by the UN a number of times over its support for Quebec’s “pure laine” restrictions on the use of the English language. Bizarre Supreme Court decisions underscore Canada’s “blind” acceptance of Quebec’s primordial claims to jurisdiction over ALL Canadian citizens resident in the province.

Professor Cotier’s attacks on the USA, it would seem, are more of a legal smokescreen to try to cover up for Mr. Chrétien, the

name called, do I really need to relive it in a) the place where my mother did so 30 years prior, and b) the site of many an exam-induced panic attack?

Don't we deserve a little more pomp and circumstance? Gradu­ ates of this fine, elite “Harvard of the North” deserve much more than a lackluster and sweaty gym­ nasium. Our parents, who forked over thousands, deserve much more than creaky fold-out chairs and strained necks.

Nicole Helsberg Arts U3 P.S. So, where does my $60 convo­ cation fee go?

Liberal PM, than any concern over a violation of “human rights laws”.

Canada’s “Quebec First” pol­ icy in support of these nebulous Supreme Court judgements in contravention of the country’s tra­ ditions and legal conventions should be the focus of Mr. Cotier’s attention. He should not be attacking a country like the USA, which stands up for its Constitution and all of the amend­ ments protecting the equal, indi­ vidual rights of its citizens.

Canada’s recognition of a “separate but equal” status for the Quebec National Assembly is completely at odds with USA Supreme Court judgements such as the 1954 deci­ sion against racial segregation in public schools, because this violat­ ed constitutional provisions under a 14th amendment clause guaran­ teeing equal protection of the laws.

In my opinion, whoever coined the old exclamation “the law is an ass” may have had the claims of these professors in mind.

Please—clear up Canada’s viola­ tions of human rights in Quebec before assuming a position on the USA’s obligations to respect inter­ national law.

W. A. Sullivan Westmount Borough

Adam Shamoon Ayse G authier A shley Hutcheson Beza Seife Carol Burbank Elise Newman Gemma Rhodeside G eraldine LeRoux Gracia Jale a Jack Sanford K risten M allory M ark Stephenson M ark Kupfert M axim Lewkowski M eghan Edwards N adia Sulistiono N athan Z ilbert N icole Leaver N ina Zacharides Patrick Fok Rashida Pirbhai Rushan G alagoda To-ching Yeung M ohit Arora John Bowden C aitiin M . B uckley Zack G allinger Joseph Buttone Ed G liicksm an Andrew H ennigar Catherine Kramarczuk Jam ie H u ll N ichola LePan Samuel Loeb Ian M aclver M ike Mahoney Jam es Scarfone Andrew Segal Scott R. Medvin Ricardo Lambo C laire Pererson Kate Rhodes Greg M cKenna Jen n y George Panthea Lee Chris W hibb s Jam es Em pringham Spencer Ross R aquel Kirsch Sophie G uité M ike Liew J ulie Peters Karen K elly Dove Kenda-Foley Siu M in Jim ie M alo-Fletcher D avid Barclay er M ark M aby M elissa Surach A. jz Truchanowicz Lauren Konsky Ti Hester M olester D aniel Chodos M atthew Shogilev Colleen Flahery Sam Goffman WyrScot^AimerofiU^xi Isa] t f i i r s b M in■ iraPlNinBBKltlBiretla CraBWR. Gar; Marissa Berry C arly Hoffman H eather K itty Pete Andwood M ohit Arora David Barclay Christine B arlett Lise Bondy Brody ■nr C handl Brl [jud D ot Cr; Lie: M Ü m éw Fishman Sam Goffman’ elan ie j Hoffman Rhena Howard N athalie Kenyon W arren Lewin Nicholas L ittle Ben M adgett Ariane M alaw ski Cristina M arkham M irynne O'Connor Evan Placey Laura R udy Je ff Roberts Russell Seidle Elisha Siegel Josh Scheinert C .J. Turner Kate W elch Ashley W h ite N adine Yelovich Ashley Zurawel Lome Kotler Jacob W olpert John Sciascia Rashida Pirbhai K im D’Souza M ark Sward Jennifer Je rt Ju stin Renard Ioana Luca Kate Fugler Dany Horovitz Laura Saba Jerem y Dietz H eather H aq Lawrence Brandon Schott M olly Kay M arra Paula Simas M agalhaes Caroline M orissette H unter H ardin D ivya W atal Adam Klevinas Sue Flan Seth Offenbach N athan Lebioda M att Saunders N adia Sulistiono Katy Forgues Fasha Kissoon David A nber Chryssi Tsoupanarias Brodie M . R am in Lynne Hsu John Gosset M ike Bargav Jerem y Morris Dannie Lin Josh W iln er Anna Bretzlaff N icole Cordeau M ichael Jarzyna A rtien W eeks Tomoko Shida K athyn Sediakina M ark Stephenson Roderigo Fernandoz M eghan O’Connell and our readers.

Op/Ed 9

Editorial

Another kind of bush a psychological war. The battle to win hearts and minds is largely a public relations game. Sustaining a righteous image is as much an objective of the campaign as is tak­ ing Basra, finding weapons of mass destruction (‘Dubya Em D’s’ in Gen. Franks’ parlance) or securing Iraqi oil fields. The US military Had enough war news? Maybe would like to market itself as a 23-hour CNN propagandathons benevolent liberator, not a conquer­ have lost their novelty. They cer­ ing belligerent, as the name tainly have for me. The vacuous ‘Operation Iraqi Freedom’ suggests. patriotism many of the American It’s no wonder the American flag networks are spewing has caused that was raised over Iraq several me to tune out. When Dan Rather weeks ago was quickly lowered for described the first ‘decapitation’ fear of a PR flap. How things look bombings as “the rockets’ red glare is very important to Washington and bombs bursting in air,” I these days. almost tossed my freedom fries.

Embedding journalists within War has a way of rallying the military units allows the US to media around the flag. It’s the “if warp, euphemize, filter, focus, you’re not with us, you’re against tweak, spin and otherwise control us” attitude at work, and has made the flow of information. What bet­ for a show of journalistic solidarity ter way to polish your image than with the US government. Empty to put journalists right in the thick loyalty to Uncle Sam has displaced of things? I mean, what kind of sui­ objective content and analysis. The cidal reporter would badmouth the American media have become gov­ soldiers who are guarding him? ernmental megaphones.

How motivated will these soldiers Don’t encourage them with be to protect a snotty news reporter good ratings. I’ve found the CBC’s when he comes crawling back for and CTV’s coverage to be much protection, cowering in a salvo of more objective, though it some­ gunfire? W hy bite the hand that times leans the other way, slightly. If feeds him? Besides, it’s probably not this is not for you, well, you can the best idea to be pissing off an just not watch the news at all. If armed soldier who is capable, for you’re sick of watching Iraqi sol­ that matter, of killing someone with diers, watch Friends', it’s much nicer his bare hands. Makes sense to me. than watching enemies.

What does not follow is this At least Friends admits it has a ‘freedom’ fry affair and the whole script. Embedded has all the right farcical food fight in general. In my connotations. Reporters qre firmly opinion, pouring good French wine established in a system. They live in down the drain is never justifiable. this system; their lives depend on it. Petty, puerile pranks like these are This intimacy and dependency are spiteful and senseless. They are also not the recipe for objectivity. The misguided. result, it seems to me, is an implicit If the US is intent on con­ script—like standard operating demning all that is French in procedures for war correspondents. America, it should expel another, The allied coalition is fighting much more conspicuous, artefact of a physical war, but it is also waging Anglo-French association, the epit­

lk^4~.ojosH>N'

JO S H W ILNER

ome of American symbols. She is 117 years old, 46 metres tall and weighs 450,000 lbs. Standing at the entrance of New York harbour, she welcomes the peoples of the world with the torch of liberty. Yes, I refer to the Statue of Liberty, which was given by the people of France to the United States to commemorate the American Revolution. In the name of consistency, I say send the bitch home.

I must admit that I’ve had it with all this hypocrisy. I saw some­ one wearing army pants and a tiedye t-shirt the other day—how’s that for mixed messages. All this hollow patriotism, propaganda, the tense and emotional international climate, errant market bombings, UN squabbles, pro-war demonstra­ tions, the fading Canadiens, anti­ war demonstrations, Turks and Kurds, Palestinians and Jews, ter­ rorism, blood and, to top it all off, the relatively insignificant stress of writing papers and studying for finals—I’m fed up with everything.

It’s all too emotionally and intellec­ tually exhausting.

But I can just barely see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There’s hope yet. Things will get worked out eventually. They always do. It’s simply a matter of will. For now I intend to focus on things that I can control. Pound out papers.

Give ’er at the library. Just cowboy the fuck up. Soon exams will be over, the sun will shine, and I will have nothing to do but grow a beard and plant trees all summer.

Live the simple life. No TV, no news, no Bush, no cars, no rush.

Just me in the bush. ******* Addendum: my sincere thanks for reading No Joshin’ this year. I hope you’ve enjoyed it, and I hope I made you think. W ith any luck, I’ll be back next year. Have a great summer.

SE N D IN A COVER LET T E R O U T L IN IN G YOUR C O L U M N

Want to be a columnist?

IDEA, A C V AND T H R E E RELEVANT SA M PLES O F W R ITIN G to

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ConaratuCations

to next year's Editorial Board

editor-in-chief

sports editor

MARK KERR

JAMES SCARFONE

assistant editors-in-chief

photo editors

KATE RHODES . SARAH WRIGHT

NICOLE LEAVER . NINA ZACHARIADES

news editors

production manager

KIM D’SOUZA . KATE FUGLER . JENNIFER JETT

NATALIE MALO-FLETCHER

features editor

layout editor

BRODY BROWN

TOMOKO SHIDA

arts & entertainment editors

online editor

PANTHEA LEE . GREG McKENNA

LYNNE HSU

ACTIVE LIVING SPRING 2003

MAY 5 - JUNE 15 DAY & TIME

[ COURSE 1 A Q U A T IC S

I

DURATION

S.C .U .B .A.

Saturday

09:00-16:00

$256.47/282.55

6 w ks

Adult Learn to Swim

T u esd ay

18:30-19:25

26.08/39.13

6 w ks

S u n d ay

11:30-12:15

26.08/39.19

6 w ks

S u n d ay

12:15-13:00

26.08/39.19

6 w ks

Bronze, Silver, Gold

S u n d ay

13:00-13:45

26.08/39.19

6 w ks

Swim (Private)

B y appointm ent

14.87/19/13

30 m ins

White, Blue, Green

I

COST

Gill

DANCE Belly Dance

M onday

17:00 - 17:55

Latin Dance

T u esd ay

Lindy Hop 1

T u esd ay

Lindy Hop II

41.73/54.97

6 w ks

1 8 :3 0 -2 0 :0 0

31.30/44.34

6 w ks

1 7 :3 0 -1 8 :2 5

47.82/65.21

6 w ks

Thursday

1 7 :3 0 -1 8 :2 5

47.82/65.21

6 w ks

First AidtCPR Basic

Sat., M a y 10 Sun., M a y 11

09:00 - 19:00

82.59/106.07

2 da ys

ATHLETICS

FITN ESS & W E LLN E S S

C P R Re-Cert

Sun., M a y 11

0 9 :0 0 - 16:00

39.12/45.21

1 day

C la ssic Cardio

M on & W ed

18:30 -1 9 :2 5

41.73/67.81

6 w ks

Latin Aerobics Hatha Yoga

Tue & Thur M on & W ed

1 8 :3 0 -1 9 :2 5

41.73/67.81

6 w ks

Power Yoga 1

M on & W ed Tue & Thur

17:30 - 18:40

27.82/53.90

6 w ks

13:00 -1 3 :5 5

27.82/53.90

6 w ks

17:00 - 17:55

27.82/53.90

6 w ks

Power Yoga II

Tue

&Thur

1 6 :0 0 -1 6 :5 5

27.82/53.90

6 w ks

Spin & Trim

M on & W ed

18:00 - 19:25

73.03/99.11

6 w ks

Weight Training (Private)

B y appointm ent

34.78/39.12

90 mins.

Personal Fitness Appraisal

B y appointm ent

39.12/43.47

90 mins.

2003 SPRING & SUMMER SESSION Registration opens April 22, 2003 in the Sports Complex Through the spring and summer months, McGill students must purchase a membership in order to gain access to the Sports Complex. Special student rates are in effect for all those who were registered at McGill through the 2003 winter semester.

P A Y -A S -Y O U -G O F I T N E S S Taebox

Tue & Thur

Power Yoga

W ed n esd ay

Step

M onday Friday

1 7 :3 0 -1 8 :2 5

Spin

T u esd ay

1 7 :3 0 -1 8 :1 5

W e d n e sd a y

2 0 :0 0 - 2 1 :0 0

$91.29/95.64

Saturday

14:00 - 15:00

91.29/95.64

S u n d ay

1 3 :0 0 -1 4 :0 0

91.29/95.64

6 w ks

S u n d ay

1 4 :0 0 -1 5 :0 0 A ll Day

91.29/95.64

6 w ks

37.39/40.00

A ll Day

37.39/40.00

1 day 1 day

17:30 - 18:25 17:00 -1 7 :5 5 17:30 -1 8 :2 5

$ 2.1 8 /1 ticket

A pril 29 to Ju n e 29

$4.35/ 2 tickets

O U T D O O R PU R S U ITS Equestrian

Hiking

Rock Climbing

Sun., M ay 25 Sun., Ju n e 1

6 w ks 6 w ks

Sun., Ju n e 15

A ll Day

37.39/40.00

1 day

Sat., M a y 10

A ll Day

65.21/69.55

1 day

FULL SPRING AND SUMMER MEMRERSHIP

M A R TIA L A R T S Moo Kwang Tae Kwon Do

M on & W ed

18:30 - 20:00

27.82/53.90

6 w ks

Kickboxing

Tue & Thur

1 8 :3 0 -2 0 :0 0

27.82/53.90

6 w ks

McGILL STUDENTS

SPORTS G olf

M onday

1 8 :0 0 -1 9 :1 5

$33.04/46.08

6 w ks

M onday T u esd ay

1 9 :2 0 -2 0 :3 5 18:00 -1 9 :1 5

33.04/46.08

6 w ks

33.04/46.08

6 w ks

T u esd ay

19:20 - 20:35

33.04/46.08

6 w ks

W ed n e sd a y

17:30 - 18:45

W ed n esd ay

19:00 - 20:15

33.04/46.08 33.04/46.08

6 w ks

Thursday

1 7 :3 0 -1 8 :4 5

33.04/46.08

6 w ks

Thursday

1 9 :0 0 -2 0 :1 0

33.04/46.08

6 w ks

Friday

1 8 :0 0 -2 0 :0 0

17.39/21.74

2 w ks

1 0 :0 0 -1 2 :0 0 10:00 -1 2 :0 0

2 w ks

G olf (Private)

17.39/21.74 17.39/21.74 17.39/21.74

Tennis (A LL LE VE LS)

M onday

1 8 :0 0 -1 9 :5 5

27.82/34.78

2 w ks 45 m ins 3 w ks

W ed n e sd a y

1 8 :0 0 -1 9 :5 5

Saturday

1 0 :0 0 -1 1 :5 5

27.82/34.78 27.82/34.78

3 w ks 3 w ks

S u n d ay Tue & Thur

10:00 -1 1 :5 5

27.82/34.78

3 w ks

18:00 - 19:10

34.78/41.73

3 w ks

Tue & Thur

1 9 :1 5 -2 0 :2 5

34.78/41.73

3 w ks 1 hr

B y appointm ent

17.39/21.74 21.74/30.43

Tennis (Semi-Private)

B y appointm ent

Squash Intro

T u esd ay

17:30-18:25

W e d n e sd a y

18:00-18:55

6 w ks

15.65/20.00

4 5 m ins

Squash (Semi-Private)

B y appointm ent

20.00/29.56

45 m ins

$13.04

6 w ks

STAFF PROGRAM S Aqua Fitness

M on & W ed

12:15 - 13:00

Body D gsî^ii^^

Tue & Thur

12:30 - 13:15

13.04

6 w ks 6 w ks 6 w ks

Tue & Thur M on & W ed

1 3 :0 0 -1 3 :4 5

13.04

13:00 -1 3 :4 5

13.04

Hatha Yoga II

M on & W ed

1 2 :0 0 -1 2 :4 5

13.04

6 w ks

Pilâtes Riders on the Storm

Tue & Thur

12:15 -1 3 :0 0

6 w ks

M on & W ed M on & W ed

1 3 :0 0 -1 3 :4 5

13.04 13.04

1 2 :4 5 -1 3 :3 0 1 2 :3 0 -1 3 :1 5

13.04

6 w ks 6 w ks 6 w ks

Power Yoga Lite Recess

Mon, W ed, Fri

13.04

Sunrise Yoga

M on & W ed

Tennis

M on & W ed

08:00 - 08:45 1 2 :3 0 -1 3 :1 5

13.04 13.04

Tai Chi

Tue & Thur Mon & W ed

12:00 -1 2 :4 5 13;00 -1 3 :4 5

13.04

Walking Club

IN F O : 3 9 8 -

13.04

• • • •

N on -m em b ers registered in co u rse s m ay u se the facility only during their desig n ated cla ss times.

M o st c la s s e s begin the w e e k of M ay 5 an d run through w eek of J u n e 9, 2003.

Pay -A s-Y o u -G o c la s s e s begin A pril 28 and run until Ju n e 29, 2003.

C la s s e s w ill not be held M ay 19, 2003.

All prices listed do not include GST & QST

1 hr

B y appointm ent

Easy Rider

$33

6 w ks

29.56/42.60 29.56/42.60

Squash (Private)

Hatha Yoga 1

STUDENT MAY SPECIAL

6 w ks

Saturday S u n d ay B y appointm ent

Tennis (Private)

$99

6 w ks

SUMMER 2003 SESSION II DAY & TIME

COURSE

COST

DURATION ||

OUTDOOR AD VEN TU R ES Hiking

Sun, Ju ly 13

A ll Day A ll Day

$37.39/40.00

1 day

Sun, A u g 3

37.39/40.00

1 day

S u n , A u g 17

A ll Day

37.39/40.00

1 day

SPORTS Golf

6 w ks 6 w ks 6 w ks

JULY 7 - AUGUST 17

Tennis (A LL LE V E L S )

T u esd a y

1 8 :4 5 -2 0 :0 0

33.04/46.08

6 w ks

W ed n e sd a y

18:00 -1 9 :1 5

6 w ks

T h u rsda y

1 8 :0 0 -2 0 :0 0

33.04/46.08 17.39/21.74

M o n da y

1 8 :0 0 -1 9 :1 0

34.78/47.82

2 w ks

W ed n e sd a y

18:00 - 19:55

55.64/68.68

6 w ks 6 w ks

Tu e & Thur

18:00 -1 9 :1 0

69.55/95.63

6 w ks

•M i or w w w .a th le tic s .m c g ill.c a

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T h e M c G i l l T r i b u n e , Tuesday, M a r c h 25, 2003

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PHOTOS BY JENNY GEORGE STORY BY PANTHEA LEE

M cG ill’s P[h]assion elite com e out to party for a good cause A little bit of flair, a healthy dose of charity and a lot of sul­ try leg for good measure... yes, it’s that time of the year again.

Phassion is back, baby.

Before I launch into a recap of the night, a little disclaimer is in order. Your humble reviewer hails from Vancouver, BC, a land where the standard attire consists of polar fleece and Gore-Tex; a mythical place where New Balance cross-trainers are heralded as though they were Manolo Blahniks and Mountain Equipment CoOp is the indisputable uniform of choice. Now easy there, Montreal fashion whores, snicker not; for although I may not be a style maven, this girl knows a good party.

And that’s precisely what it was. This year’s Phassion, put on by a committee of students from the Faculty of Management, gave a decidedly fresh spin on the typical fashion show concept. Guests were welcomed to the Aria afterhours venue last Thursday for what was billed as a fashion show within a party.

A devil-may-care edginess saturated the show, which featured offerings from local, student and commercial ready-to-wear designers. A melange of styles including Nevik, Yso, Denis Gagnon and Gsus were all present and accounted for. Glimpses of eveningwear and créateur pieces shot through the mostly street-ori­ ented fashions. Also showcased were a brigade of inventive student designers, Zayna Aston, Caitlin Dunne, Minn-Tuong Dao, Maya Khanna and the student-designed line Royal Funk, put out by co­ designers Zachary Barnett and Lillian Crowe. It promoted a time­ ly message of pacifism with their “Make Fashion, Not War cloth­ ing.

The music was upbeat, and its steady, raucous Euro-club tempo kept time as the models paraded down the runway. Cassius kicked off the night as models worked it to his “Sound of Fury”.

Fellow house legend Felix da Housecat also contributed to the

soundtrack. As Fear Factory’s classic “Cars” and party-staple “Sweet Dreams” from the Eurhythmies blasted on the soundsystem, pimps in fur coats and boys with scooters took over the run­ way and claimed it as their playground. “Fashion Rules” from Chicks on Speed was a fitting finale for the night.

With a nod to the 80s, leggy models in one flashy fleshflaunting scene power-strutted in off-the-shoulder sweatsuit mini­ dresses designed by Castle Ho, cell phones tightly in clutch. The props added a mischievous element to the scene, as the girls pre­ tended to gab away on, and each struck a pose that was so mod it hurt.

Slight confusion occurred during a long intermission. No mention of a break had been made, and the audience stood around like the very crammed, very fashionable sardines they were and uttered a collective, extended “uhhhhh?”

The crowd ate up a particularly racy scene with less-than-subtle homoerotic undertones. All inhibitions were seemingly tossed out the window in this scene, as the male models let loose and had fun with their characters, complete with makeup that screamed Eurotrash meets electroclash. Some were shirtless and other sport­ ed pants so tight they should be hosiery; that serving of meat def­ initely came with an extra whopping of sauce. Queer as Folk meets Sex and the City, anyone?

A design highlight were the slightly off-kilter outfits made solely from vintage neckties, designed by McGills own Aston, which were a spirited salute to couture.

The models, for the most part, stayed in character through­ out the show, playing up the spunk factor, though a few couldnt help cracking a few grins to the cheers of their friends in the crowd.

Beatboxers LeBass and the hip hop dance group WHUT! entertained throughout the show, and breakdancers Track Masta

and the Tactical Crew ended the night by bustin’ some moves.

One major let-down during the night was the absence of alcohol, a fac­ tor that had attendees stampeding to the after-party at Groove Society faster than you can say “Hasta la vista, sober.” Complications with Aria’s liquor license prevented students from getting their complimentary drink at the show, a fact that had attendees less than impressed. But all was forgot­ ten as drunken debauchery ensued / at the after-party. Coordinators, models and revellers alike gath­ ered to celebrate the evening. By the end of the night, 1 looked / more like fashion roadkill than fashion hipster. , Proceeds totalled over $10,000 at the time of printing, and are being donated to the MAC AIDS Fund, an organization that supports HIV/AIDS-affected people by providing funding to over 400 groups worldwide.

Now, I may be from Vancouver, but I can still recognize chic. And you thought they were only there to look pretty.

! |

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Let y o u r b a c k b o n e slid e to the m u sic Calexico rock Cabaret to delight of booty shakers and scene makers Ian Weinberger_____________

Some people dance, and some people shuffle. Whichever is your preference, most would agree that there is a healthy amount of redeeming value to moving your butt.

The dudes (more appropriate than calling them guys, you’ll see) of Calexico brought the sounds of samba and mariachi all mixed together with a scent of spaghetti western-themed songs and a flavour

of indie rock to the Cabaret Music Hall last Thursday night in their quest to rock the dance floor.

Calexico is the brainchild of Joey Burns and John Convertino.

Their music comes straight from Tucson, Arizona, and by the Spanish flavour in their songs, one can see how the proximity to Mexico has influenced them. They also worked as part of Howie Gelb’s backing band in the wonderfully alt. country band, Giant Sand.

While on their albums they

play most of the instruments, in concert their beautiful instrumenta­ tion was performed by a variety of players. They included an upright bassist, two trumpet players, a vio­ linist, a pedal steel guitarist and a drummer. There seemed to be no slacking off from the recorded ver­ sions of the songs to their live per­ formance. In fact, their live show indicates to me that maybe Joey Burns and John Convertino should record with the players on stage.

After an interesting set by local

artists Plywood, Calexico took the stage. They opened with a number from The Black Light, which got the crowd moving with a little samba flavor. They proceeded throughout the night to appease every desire of the crowd as well as denounce the war and criticize Junior Bush (that’s the best name I’ve ever heard him called). About halfway through their set they invited Torontonian Leslie Feist, of Broken Social Scene fame, on stage to perform two songs. These two songs were the

highlight of the show for me because of how much I love Ms. Feist’s voice. They closed the night (all too short I might add, even if they did play for almost two hours) with a wonderful Spanish ditty sung by trumpet player Jacob Valenzuela. Lead singer Joey Burns commented on how they should move to Montreal so they can play every night here.

W ith regular feedings of mari­ achi, we would have every reason to groove just a little bit more.

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 25, 2003

A&E 15

Bring m e to a Higher Place DI duo Rôyksopp on chiii-out, sex and "The Power of the Saxophone" Chris Whibbs

Having myths dispelled is always an interesting experience and, upon entering the backstage area of Club Soda to interview Rôyksopp I was slightly disap­ pointed by the sheer normalness of my surroundings. A simple bar fridge (with no beer!), leather couch (hm m m m ...) and a wellused kitchenette that’s not out of place in even the dreariest of office hells. I’m the last interviewer of the day, and I’m afraid that after answering questions for two straight hours Svein Berge and Torbjorn Brundtland, who are Rôyksopp, will be “questioned” out and simply grunt at me. In fact, they are both quite affable and even stand up to greet me; of course, they then slump far into the large leather chairs provided. These are two relaxed people, but then their recent success shows why.

Their debut album, M elody A.M. (just recently released on this isde of the pond), has made their name world-famous, but it’s been a slow burn. Released in Europe in late 2001, they were written up in almost every available music maga­ zine, and their music has even been used in advertisements for compa­ nies like T-Mobile. They’ve been hawking the album in Europe for a

full year, and now that it’s been released in North America, there is more peddling to be done. You would think it would take a toll on the two, but it’s not only Rôyksopp that is resilient, Brundtland explains, “We are promoting music that is n ot... We don’t want to brag, but it hasn’t become dated or anything and its really fortunate that we didn’t try and capture the moment of 2001 and be very trendy... It would have been awful to go around and promote that in 2003. The way we’ve made our music, it’s just our opinion, but it seems like it’s holding up, it’s there, it’s still strong, it still means some­ thing to people.”

Indeed, their music has been written about endlessly and, in these stressful times, any kind of electronic music that is soothing automatically gets labelled “chill­ out”, which can be the kiss of death to some artists, although, as Brundtland counters, the “chill­ out” tag is not that bad.

“We’re not so afraid of that. It probably will keep some people from getting interested and to those we have to say that chill-out, in the very sense of the word, means to take it easy, and that’s a very appealing thing to u s... Chill­ out can be wallpaper music, totally uninteresting, but pleasant to the

ear; we’re more complex.”

Along with the downbeat vibe, there is a definite sexiness to Rôyksopp’s music, exemplified by “She’s So” and the prominent use of the saxophone. “That track has the most retro vibe in it, a late 60s

and early 70s sound and I can also visualize a semi-erotic soft-filtered soft- porn movie when listening to that track,” Berge explains. “That is ‘the power of the saxophone’...

Because to me the saxophone is a sexy instrument, it is basically the

theme song to LA. Law [makes saxophone noise], and thinking about Americans having success going yah’ and making money... the B old a n d the BeautifiA.” As for the sex factor, Berge happily states, “We love sex, sur­ p r i s i n g l y , ’’w h i l e Brundtland coun­ ters, “Some people say that the ‘40 Years Back’ track is really good to have anal sex too.”

O f course, one can’t talk to a Scandinavian band these days without the requisite ‘Scan­ dinavian invasion’ question, and Rôyksopp are quick to.dismiss it, Brundtland states, “If there is a sound, than it definitely is a very broad sound spanning from low key acoustic folk music, via rock music, to hard edge drum ‘n bass... where’s the consistency? It’s just a bunch of people making music.”

It’s hard to encapsulate Rôyksopp as just two people mak­ ing music, after seeing their live

Moore at Oscars: "Shame on you, Mr. Bush" Kate Rhodes

The 75 th Academy Awards cer­ emony was laden with political mes­ sages Sunday night, as several influ­ ential film stars made their opinions on the US-led war against Iraq known to a global television audi­ ence.

“To all of our men and women overseas, Godspeed and let’s get you home soon,” said Academy President Frank Pierceson. “And to the Iraqi people, I say let’s let you live without war soon.”

The most powerful speech of the evening was delivered by Michael Moore, for his Best Documentary-winning film, B ow ling f o r Columbine.

“I have invited my fellow docu­ mentary nominees on the stage with us, and we would like to—they’re here in solidarity with me because we like non-fiction. We like non-fic­ tion and we live in fictitious times.

We live in the time where we have fictitious election results that elects a fictitious president. We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons. Whether it’s the fictition of duct tape or fictition of orange alerts, we are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you, Mr. Bush, shame on you. And any time you got the Pope and the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up,” said Moore. The audience halfbooed, half-cheered his angry words.

After Moore left the stage, host

Steve Martin joked, “The Teamsters are helping him into the trunk of his limo.”

The Academy decided to roll up the red carpet for the evening’s proceedings, and several guests, including actor W ill Smith, actress Angelina Jolie, directors Peter Jackson and Aki Kaurismaki did not attend.

“I’m glad they cut back on the glitz,” said Martin. “And I’m pleased to report that tonight’s proceeds are going to major corporations.”

Adrien Brody, who won Best Actor for his role in The Pianist, fol­ lowed Moore’s suit, but with softer words that appeased the flustered audience. “[The best actor award] fills me with great joy, but I am also filled with a lot of sadness tonight because I am accepting an award at such a strange time... and whatever you believe in, if it’s God or Allah, may he watch over you and let’s pray for a peaceful and swift resolution,” he said. Brody was able to cut off the conductor and stop the orchestra to make these last remarks.

Some actors carried heavier political messages.

“The necessity for peace in the world is not a dream but a reality. If [painter] Frida [Kahlo] were here, she would be on our side, against the war,” said Mexican actor Gael Garcia Bernal, as he introduced Lila Downs and Caetano Veloso, for their performance of “Burn it Blue” from the movie Frida.

Nicole Kidman, winner of the Best Actress Oscar for her role in The Hours, spoke more to the point.

“Since 9/11, there’s been a lot of pain, in terms of families losing peo­ ple, and now with the war, families losing people. And God bless them,” she said.

A visibly furious Barbara Streisand presented the award for Best Song with curt comment: “I’m very proud to live in a country that guarantees its citizens, including its artists, the right to sing and say whatever they believe,” she said.

A s, it was rumoured that the

experience for myself. There is a definite 80s tinge to what they do, what with the over-reliance on the vocoder (the thing that made Cher’s voice all wonky in “Believe”), and Berge’s prodigious drum m ing on electronic drum pads. The vibe was anything but chill-out, as Rôyksopp almost blew it out into some serious big beat action. O f course, since this was not a dance club, the “big fish, lit­ tle fish, cardboard box” people seemed a little out of their league, but even the most resolute of con­ cert-goers could not resist the warmth and energy that Rôyksopp exude through their antics and music.

As such songs as “Poor Leno” and incredible new song, “Don’t Give Up”, pulse through the club and into your body, it is hard to deny the potency of the music and the hope that Rôyksopp will be brimming with such originality and vitality for years to come. In the end, Brundtland sums it up perfectly when he states about the music, “It’s done with our hearts and it contains warmth along with chilled parts and emotions and there’s a lot of happiness in the album and that, combined with a certain nostalgia or a sadness, like dancing and smiling, but having tears in your eyes.”

Academy would ban any attendees who mentioned politics on stage, other award recipients sent general messages of peace.

“I want to dedicate this award to all the people that are raising their voices in favour of peace, respect of human rights, democracy and inter­ national legality, all of which are essential qualities to live,” said Pedro Almodovar, who won Best Original Screen Play for Talk to Her.

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The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Going in depth on beavers, broom s and Canadiana Men With Brooms producer discusses Canadian film industry Mark Kerr

Canadian film producer Robert Lantos was the main attrac­ tion of the Canadian Studies Association of Undergraduate Students’ third annual McGill Film Festival, held March 12 to 14.

Lantos, who founded Serendipity Point Films, addressed the audience last Friday night following the screening of M en With Brooms. The movie, which was produced by Lantos and focuses on curling in Canada, grossed over $4-million during its theatrical run last year.

“It is great to be back in these august halls,” said the McGill grad­ uate (BA 1970, MA 1972). The co­ founder of Vivafilm also received an honorary doctorate in 2000 from the University.

Lantos told a humourous anec­ dote about graduate studies at McGill early in his discussion. He took a class taught by John Grierson, the founder of the National Film Board of Canada.

The setting was informal, to say the least, as absinthe was consumed in a Crescent Street hotel room.

Lantos also discussed his moti­ vation for making M en With Brooms.

“I like making films that break ground, that have some real pur­ pose other than to make a buck.”

The movie offered a new chal­ lenge for Lantos. He has produced numerous art-house films, such as Ararat and Sunshine, that earned critical acclaim but did not appeal to a large Canadian audience.

“One film that had never been made before was a popular film with Canada front and centre.”

Lantos has succeeded in pro­ ducing Canadian-centric program­ ming for the small screen. The tele­ vision series D ue South, a comedy about a Canadian Mountie in Chicago, was a hit in the United States, as well as north of the 49th parallel.

Paul Gross, former star of D ue South, made his directorial debut in M en With Brooms. Lantos noted that working with Gross, who also co-wrote the script, was a natural fit.

Moreover, the film’s subject matter lent itself to the portrayal of every possible Canadian cliché.

M en With Broom s portrays four down-on-their-luck curlers who reunite to make a run at the Golden Broom, the Stanley Cup of curling.

Toss in a gaggle of beavers and you have enough Canadian content to satisfy any Telefilm board member.

“In many ways, curling is more Canadian than hockey,” said Lantos, to the delight of the audi­ ence.

Lantos also discussed his role as

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a producer and the aspects that he finds the most rewarding.

“I like to be very hands-on when the film is finished. Many Canadian films disappear when handed over to the distributor.”

Lantos said that he would no’t let that happen to any of his films, by ensuring that he controls the distri­ bution and marketing of the film.

An audience member asked for Lantos’ advice on breaking into the movie industry.

“Steal money, borrow equip­ ment, make a little movie or get a job at the bottom of the totem pole,” Lantos told the audience. “Be resourceful and never take ‘no’ for an answer.”

Alessia Bongiovanni, organizer of the McGill Film Festival, expressed pleasure in having Lantos attend, especially after the earlier cancellation of two guests.

“That Lantos himself would agree to join us was unexpected. We definitely appreciate him taking the time to come and visit,” said Bongiovanni. “Because we had such a strong speaker on Thursday, the last-minute unavailability of our other guest speakers didn’t put us in a crisis situation.”

The M an Who P lanted Trees, a half-hour animated film, was shown on opening night, in addition to 12 student films. The Festival closed with Un crabe dans la tête, a

HELENA HASSELMAN

Canadian film producer Robert Lantos speaking to the McGill Film Festival.

Québécois feature-length film.

“We received a never-beforeseen amount of student submis­ sions from various schools in Quebec and Ontario. The quantity of student films allowed for a more rigorous selection process than pre­ vious years.

“However, we are a little disap­ pointed that all of this year’s student submissions came from central Canada. Even though we tried to have a more pan-Canadian pro­ gramme, it seems that we could

only get central Canadians interest­ ed and involved,” said Bongiovanni.

The wine and cheese func­ tions, according to Bongiovanni, enabled students to meet other Canadian Studies enthusiasts.

“The CSAUS has been able to find new people interested in the promotion of Canadian film, who are motivated to help with next year’s edition of the Film Fest and all things Canadian studies,” she said.

Poetry club's poetry slam Dany Horovitz_______________

One of the latest trends to hit M cGill is that of spoken word poetry, and it’s not just for Beatniks. Heidi Rosbe and Kara M elm ed created the M cG ill Poetry Club this year. It meets every other Tuesday in the new English lounge, Arts Basement B20. After numerous meetings, in which students could share their poetry and participate in creative exercises, the Poetry Club began hosting poetry slams.

Rosbe, a U3 computer sci­ ence student, got the idea for the slams from summer camp last year.

“The counsellors there used slam poetry to inspire kids who didn’t have other outlets for their thoughts and emotions.”

Indeed, that seems to be the general feeling of slam poetry, but Rosbe does not want to discour­ age moderate poetry lovers from participating in the slam, explain­ ing that it is not a very formal atmosphere.

“It’s like a frat party for poets,” she said. “Every poem is so inspiring, and there is so much energy that goes into it, and so much that comes out of it... it’s fun and entertaining. It’s like a real snapshot of other people’s worlds.”

Slam poetry is more of a per­ formance-oriented art form than its written counterpart, and that is part of the appeal for m any who

come out to the events.

“It’s an opportunity for poets to get more of a response from the audience and for the audience to be more a part of the work,” said Melmed. “The w ay that energy manifests itself in a slam is com­ parable to no other.”

However, this energy has led many fans of poetry to shy away from the slams. Pablo Flores, an exchange student from Mexico and avid poetry fan expressed his

“It’s like a fra t p a rty fo r poets.”

—H eidi Rosbe Co-creator, M cG ill Poetry Club

fear. “It seems like a really intim i­ dating thing, getting up in front of so m any people and putting your w ork out there to be judged.” Flores had another con­ cern. “From what I’ve seen from slams so far, there are far too many rappers and not enough real poets.”

T his also occured to the organizers, but Melmed explained that poetry, not hip hop, is the basis for the slams. However, given the fact that much of the judging is done on performance skills, she does adm it that the complaints are understandable.

“It’s true that slam poetry has a large hip hop audience influ­

ence. O f course, slam poetry is not defined by this genre, and there is enough space for poetry of all kinds.”

Though anyone w ith any style can enter into the slam, M elmed wants to remind stu­ dents that “it is a competition. ” Anyone who isn’t interested in having their poem heard by many people will probably decide that slam poetry is not for them. The organizers w ant to make it clear, however, that if you are not read­ ing, you can still attend.

The popularity of slam poet­ ry is on the rise. At the last slam, the Poetry Club didn’t expect very many people, so they held the event in a small loft belonging to one member o f the club. They were overwhelmed to find that 120 people showed up for the com petition and m any were forced to sit on the floor because of the lack of chairs.

“It was really kind of funny,” said Flores, who attended the last slam, but did not participate.

“Hopefully this time around, they can fix that problem.”

Given the buzz surrounding the slam, preparations are being made for even more people. The Poetry Club has chosen a much larger venue for the next slam. It will be held on Thursday, March 27, at 10 Ontario Street West, near St-Laurent. Sign-up is at 8:00 pm and the slam competi­ tion begins at 8:30 pm.

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 25, 2003

A&E 17

Tell me about... Record Collector Scum (US).

The records sought by the fanatical record collector have become a genre unto themselves.

This is beyond your regular Beatles fanatic or Elvis paraphernalia collec­ tor. These are purveyors of the much talked-about, but seldomheard records of legendary propor­ tions. The following discs combine essential ground-breaking music with insane rarity, resulting in prices that seem unreal. Some of these records are available by reissue and may be enjoyed for the regular price. Here are a few essential albums for any fanatical, music-lov­ ing collector scum.

Velvet Underground and Nico s e l f titled Polygram Thousands of bands quote the Velvet Undergound as a great influ­ ence, thanks to their successful mix­ ture of art aesthetic with pop music.

This record features many well-rec­ ognized songs, such as “Sunday Morning” and “All Tommorow’s Parties”, and is readily available from Polygram on CD. However, the true collector looks for the orig­ inal mono pressing from 1967. The cover (white with a large bannana across it) was specially designed by Andy Warhol. On this edition alone, the banana is peel-able. The disc is available—with the cover peeled—for a small fortune, but locating an unpeeled one is a truly heroic task. Note: There is a coun­ terfeit Japanese replica of this record floating around. To spot the forgery, check the serial number and recall that the original pressing was mono.

If it begins with V6, it’s a fake.

David Bowie D ia m on d D ogs RCA This 1974 album has a similar story to the Velvet Underground’s record, but to a further extreme.

The original album art was done by a painter named Guy Peelaert.

Featured was a half-dog image of Bowie laying on his side. Bowie’s dog-like crotch originally showed large testicles, much to the distaste of certain executives at RCA. The cover was then destroyed and an airbrushed sexless version was released to the public. Somehow, something on the order of 20 of these covers are still drifting around the world, selling for unbelievable prices, the latest being on eBay for $5,000

The Monks Black M onk T im e Polydor Proto-Punk, Pre-Punk, call it what you will. The Monks were the wildest sounding and acting band of the 60s. A few American GI’s sta­ tioned in Germany quit the army, shaved bald spots on the tops of their heads and became the Monks.

Black M onk Tim e collects the cacophony of electric banjo, fuzzedout bass, pounding drums and punk snarl. Trying to make sense of Cold War-era Germany with politically charged, cynical attitudes and an insane freakout sound, the Monks were briefly active in Germany before putting out a few recordings, reforming their sound under pres­ sure and then disbanding. This 1966 release marks their pinnacle and was easily a good 10 years ahead of its time in sound and perhaps 40 in aesthetic. It was not until the late 70s that record collectors and freakbeak fanatics began raving about the disc. Since then, it has been reissued numerous times on various lables and has become a 60s garage-punk classic. Original pressings lay in vaults.

various artists No N ew York Antilles This compilation is the genredefining grail of no wave. Four groups recorded four tracks each with legendary producer/experimentalist Brian Eno (who created the startup sound for Windows 95).

All peer into abrasive noise, stut­ tered guitars, dirty keyboards and skronks of saxophones and others.

No wave’s most notorious product was Sonic Youth, who later raised a whole generation of insatiable artrock, faux-punk, collectors/nerds often found on eBay or skylabs (the punk/hardcore version of eBay, only for music) paying top dollar for the famed compilation. The price easily reaches triple digits, even when found in a shop.

KLF 1987 W hat th e Fuck’s G oing O m ?

KLF Communication The Kopyright Liberation Front is the punkiest music group ever to exist, producing chart-top­ ping cheesy house tunes like “Live at Trancentral” and “3 AM Eternal”.

They were responsible for the largest cash withdrawal in British history, 1,000,000 pounds, which they nailed to a board, displayed to various members of the press and eventually burned. The highly col­ lectable release is the original mashup along the same lines as Negativeland’s U2 and John Oswald’s P lunderphonic. Here the Beatles, Led Zepplin, ABBA and others are aurally disfigured. ABBA quickly threatened legal action and the disc was recalled and destroyed.

Many copies still exist and can sometimes be found on eBay for disgusting prices. Many bootlegs also exist.

The Beach Boys Sm ile Bootleg This is the famed record that never was. In 1966-67, Brian Wilson, producer and founder of the Beach Boys, promised to corn-

pletely revolutionize pop music with an album entitled Smile. Previous to Sm ile he had produced P et Sounds, arguably the best album of the 60s and a fair distance away in maturity from “Surfin’ USA”. Sm ile was to be a high-concept album of beautiful songs unconventionally edited into a psychedelic story. However, dur­ ing the mixing and editing Brian suffered a nervous breakdown. This was most likely due to a number of things, including the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. P epper’s Lonely Heart Club B and and bad experiences with drugs. The album was never pro­ duced and some tracks weren’t even finished. Some of the songs appeared on later records, including the dismal replacement Sm iley Smile. Nevertheless, collectors and fanatics have recreated what may have been Smile from the Smile recording sessions and many differ­ ent versions of the imaginary album are available by bootleg. Not all are consistent in tracklisting or song versions.

Vashanti Bunyan J u st A nother D ia m on d D ay Phillips Bunyan was a late 60s/early 70s singer with a delicate breathy style,

more than appropriate for this psy­ che-folk masterpiece. The recording dates to 1969 and features members of Fairport and the Incredible String Band doing beautifully fragile folk weirdness. The record was set to be distributed by Phillips in 1970, but

for one reason or another it was never properly released. It was then lost into oblivion until 2000, when the reissue finally appeared. Despite remaining fairly obscure, the record still pops up on many critics’ Top 100 records lists and ocasionally an original copy changes hands for distateful amounts of money.

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18 A&E

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Henry Rollins comes waving a Black Flagformer punk icon moves on to spoken word Antoine Guinard

“I am your anger manager,” exclaimed 42-year-old punk rock legend Henry Rollins in front of a packed audience at the Olym pia Theatre last Wednesday. Coming from a man who once fronted the infamous Black Flag, whose destructive live shows frequently ended in confrontations with the police, the combination might seem odd. But much has changed since the band’s breakup in 1986.

His glory days behind him , Rollins has not hung up his mic quite yet. Addicted to the road, he has since embarked on several spoken word tours, offering to scream out his two cents on just about anything to anyone who

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will listen.

Sitting in a theatre, awaiting a night of entertainm ent, w hile know ing O peration Iraqi Freedom was probably in full swing, was a somewhat awkward feeling.

I could only hope Rollins would touch upon the subject; I was not disappointed. Sparing his audience the exacerbating pre­ show wait, the charismatic vocal­ ist ran out of nowhere to the front of the stage, wrapped the micro­ phone cord around his hand in reminder of his Flag years, and plunged into two solid hours of punk rock stand-up.

The first victim of the night was (expectedly) the Bush adm in­ istration, as Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Ari Fleischer and our “unpresidented” leader of the developed world him self were put on the grill. W hile engaging in a merciless critique of the bunch, Rollins insisted on the intelligence o f ‘Dubya’s’ posse and the danger that they represent, thereby avoiding giving a one­ sided argument or making the easy mistake of preaching to the converted. In effect, if the US Secretary of Defence is cunning enough to compare Germany’s regime to that of Libya or Cuba, who can deny the smarts of some-

tained for the rest of the night.

N othing was omitted: women, anorexic Hollywood bimbos, the KKK, the drags of getting old, being short and his impatience with college students who ask him fragrantly idiotic questions, all of which were tack­ led with remark­ able eloquence and humour.

Most memo­ rable, however, were Rollins’ per­ sonal anecdotes.

W hether it be h allu cin atin g after accidentally inh alin g carbon monoxide in the back of a Ryder truck in the m id­ dle of the-country, getting stuck between two sweaty individuals at his first Ramones show or barely escaping HENRYROLLINS.COM death as the vic­ Henry Rollins shares his views on subject ranging from tim of a cruel gam e o f “smear childhood and life on the road to the world at war. the queer” at a hearted matters, Rollins took on a birthday party as a child, all were wide array of subjects and man­ told with genuine enthusiasm.

Let alone his impressive abiliaged to keep the crowd enter-

one who says that “going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion”?

But the grey-haired hardcore veteran had not come just to talk politics. Moving on to more light­

ty to make his stories relate and intertw ine, it is Rollins’ vivid im agination that renders his speech captivating, as he goes so far as to lin k the Ramones with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Granted, Rollins does not have Bill Clintons ease or Jello Biafra’s wits. He sometimes wandered a little too far from his initial point, leaving the spectator slightly con­ fused as to where he was going.

But Rollins’ experience, confi­ dence on stage and natural spite are enough to make him an excel­ lent public speaker. Furthermore, the man can still roar and one can’t help but smile when the exBlack Flag lets out a powerful “W hat the fuck?!”, in a reaction of honest shock at a situation he had just depicted.

D id I come out o f the O lym pia T heatre enlightened?

Not really. I was still stuck with the same thoughts, wondering about the bombs over Baghdad, but Rollins’ thoughts about “all that bullshit” (as he so accurately put it) had been somehow reassur­ ing. In these times of great apathy south of the border, it is a relief to realize that some individuals are still w illing to, well, act as individ­ uals and speak up for what they believe in. Hats off to you and those like you, Mr. Rollins.

On your mark, get set, play!

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Improvisational Organ League puts the competition back in music Thobey Campion____________

A number of sports and musi­ cal events could use minor improve­ ments to make them more exciting; some have responded to this need.

Drugs are a controversial, yet enter­ taining example. Sammy Sosa is partially responsible for the subtle upsurge in baseball’s popularity. It’s important to note here that Sammy did not gain 400 pounds by eating Subway. Drugs can increase, per­ formance and maximize fun, it is true. However, a pipe can only take you so far in this world, unless you’re a regular crowd member of the Improvisational Organ League, in which case it can take you all the way.

The worlds of sports and music have finally merged. The Improvisational Organ League is comprised of one part hockey, one part music and two parts good old Québécois debauchery. The idea behind the competition is simple.

Put two organs in the centre of a hockey rink, invite the ‘loose canons’ of the musical world to the stands, get a bunch of teams togeth­ er and have them battle each other, regulated only by a sheet of music, three referees and a penalty box.

Confused? Then this is proba­ bly not your type of event. Having attended the first playoff game on Friday, March 14, the realization

was made that confusion is an integral part of this competition.

L’église SaintNom-de-Jésus was the venue for the first playoff game between McGill and Université de Montreal. I enter­ ed a door at the side. To my shock, I came into view of a room well suited for a knife-fight in the dark and resembling a grim basement in which robe-clad men pit high-strung mon­ keys against each other for money.

All bets aside, I left ALAMBIX.UQUEBEC.CA my wallet and So many different pipes to choose from... weaponry with the door of the church. nice lady at the coat-check and Inside, the church was breath­ entered. taking. I sat down in the pews only Inside the room, small children to find out that there was no rink in circled around a skating rink at a which the organs were placed. breakneck speed while older people, Instead, there was an organ at the (possibly the children’s parents) front of the church that everyone yelled “Vite, vite,” and slapped could see and an organ at the back their hands upon their own thighs. that was recorded on live video-feed Surprised not only at the uncanny and connected to a slide projector similarity this had to betting on so that the crowd could see it. monkeys, but also at the blatant At the front was the McGill inaccuracy of the press release, I left team and at the back, on the balthis room and entered the main

cony, worked the Montreal team, whose movements could be seen on the slide projector. Also at the front was a wily man dressed in a referee’s outfit. He flipped a puck that decided who would start the impro­ vising, McGill or Montreal. Once decided, one of the three players (or all three) would sit down and improvise over a specific line of music on a sheet of paper. The response would then come from the other team, based on that same line.

Every member of the crowd then held up either a black or red piece of paper, indicating the team they thought had outplayed their oppo­ nent. Two 1 .0 .L. officials, who cer­ tainly thought highly of their ‘offi­ cial’ status, then counted the votes and the winner of that specific round was decided. After 17 of these rounds, Montreal was the vic­ tor.

It was truly amazing how these musicians incorporated the skeleton of the musical line into a full rich organ sound. Furthermore, the big­ ger of the two organs possessed 6,219 pipes. Mind-boggling in the infinite permutations, the organists seemed sure-footed. For those of you who have never attended church or any other Organ Summit or event, the organ is played on as many as four levels of keys and also with the feet. It is as close to danc­ ing as playing an instrument ever gets.

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 25, 2003

No depression Alt. country demystified Chris Whibbs

‘Country’, in the world of mainstream music thought, has always been something of a dirty word. For most people, it evokes images of Garth Brooks in red shirts, cowboy hat and jeans five sizes too small. Maybe Travis Tritt and his famous mullet? People get entirely caught up in the ‘new’ country and forget the vast rich his­ tory that country music has to offer. Johnny Cash, Hank W illiam s, Tammy W ynette and W illie Nelson... just some of the names of those who have given the world timeless, classic melodies that are still heard in popular music today.

The genre in question, ‘alt. country’, builds upon these leg­ ends, but also infuses that old country mentality with a 70s punk energy and attitude to give birth to the term ‘alternative country’. Most seminal alt. country artists grew up in areas in America where country was the dominant music surround­ ing them, yet they rebelled to start either punk bands or other shootoffs of rock ‘n’ roll.

As they grew as musicians, they started to include their music with the inflections of the music they grew up with, personified in the idea of the outlaw country artist. Some of the artists consid­ ered oudaws are Cash, Haggard, Nelson and Waylon Jennings, to name a few. These outlaw country artists included traditional country with both folk and rock influences,

and the alt. country movement is taking this and putting a modern spin to it by adding punk and harder rock elements. The first group to give rise to the term ‘alt. country’ was Uncle Tupelo, which included two artists who are imper­ ative to the alt. country genre today, Jeff Tweedy (now head of Wilco) and Jay Farrar (now solo and head of Son Volt).

Some offshoots of the alt. country genre include odes to rootsy American music found in the O B roth er W here Art T hou?

Soundtrack. One of these was known as “Americana”, and spawned an influential magazine on the subject, No D epression, (named after an old Carter Family tune). Americana and alt. country are notably interchanged and some of the seminal albums mentioned here can be arguably classified under either, but let’s not get bogged down in semantics. Both genres are similar in the sense that artists are-taking an old music blue­ print and inflecting it with the energy and attitude of more rebel­ lious genres like punk. The result is spectacular and has allowed newer generations an accessible entry point into the vast back catalogue of classic country, and also allowed older artists like Johnny Cash to reinvent themselves for a modem audience, as is seen in his recent collaborations with Rick Rubin, A merican I-IV. Alt. country is not an American phenomenon at all, and there are some choice Canadian

Wilco B eing There Warner Bros.

A more direct descendent of Uncle Tupelo would be Wilco’s A.M., but this is where Wilco really shone. This two CD set encapsu­ lates what alt. country was and where it can go, with recent album Yankee H otel Foxtrot fulfilling the prophecy.

A great round-up of die songs of original alt. country artists, it also gives a quick introduction to the influences of alt. country, as both the Carter Family’s “No Depression” and the traditional “Moonshiner” sit alongside Iggy Pop’s “I Wanna Be Your Dog”.

Ryan Adams Hearthreaker Bloodshot Records Don’t touch G old with a tenfoot pole; instead, get this one and revel in the rowdy classic “To Be Young” and the epic “Come Pick

Uncle Tupelo 89/93: An A nthology Sony

A&E 19

Me Up”. There’s a lot of hype about Adams, but he has yet to equal the brilliance of his debut.

Neko Case F urnace Room Lullaby Bloodshot Records Finally, a woman shows up to teach the male-dominated genre how to really belt it out. Both the image and the voice (that voice!) announce the arrival of a true, topnotch songstress for the 21st centu­ ry. Just try and not sing along to “Mood to Burn Bridges”.

it, Ses

purveyors, like Luther Wright and the Wrongs, The Sadies, Carolyn Mark, The Corn Sisters, Tennessee Twin and Buttless Chaps. Some other artists worth seeking out may not follow the exact definition of alt. country, since they put a more idiosyncratic twist to the music, but still following the spirit of tak­ ing the old and infusing the new are Lambchop, Hank III, M y Morning Jacket, Bonnie “Prince” Billy, Papa M and Radar Brothers.

Don’t be afraid, take a listen and revel in the variety and history that alt. country can give. And don’t worry; there are no cowboy hats, tight jeans or Ford trucks to be found anywhere!

P'-ouf.

«a

M ain Street's day on M ea n Street Tim Chan

I am not mean! I’m just misun­ derstood. It’s like that episode of M aking the B and in which Ashley, Trevor and Eric formed a circle around Dan and chanted, “Dan is irresponsible, Dan is so mean,” and then Dan turned to face the cameras and said, “I’m not fucking mean, okay?!” (Of course, ABC could not air that expletive during its prime­ time Friday-night timeslot, so Dan’s remark came out more like, “I’m not (awkward silence) mean, okay?!”) As if precocious TGIF viewers wouldn’t understand what he was saying! Ah, O-Town... from M aking the B and to B ehin d the M usic in less than a year. That must be some kind of record! I guess their “Liquid Dreams”, of stardom quick­ ly came to an end... No pun intended. (Really, I’m not mean.) ***** Let’s face it; even A merican Idol judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul can be “Simon-like” some­ times. What’s with Randy calling everyone a “dog?” And is it just me,

or when Paula tells someone they were “pitchy”, does it not sound like she’s trying to say “bitchy” in a nice way?

I am not any meaner than say, the washed-up “celebrity” judges on A re You Hot? The Search f o r America’s Sexiest People. I mean, Lorenzo Lamas makes rings around a girl’s breasts with a red laser-pointer on national TV! The girls are already in front of a howling audience, wear­ ing nothing but a skimpy thong and bikini top, and subjected to rude judges telling them whether their thighs are too big, or which mole they should get removed. I feel bad for them. If I were a judge on that show, I would definitely want to make them feel much more com­ fortable. I would not use the laserpointer.

A few short items of note before I end. Country superstars The Dixie Chicks are embroiled in a huge controversy, after lead singer Natalie Maines made anti-Bush comments to journalists, angering both lesbian unions and patriotic southern Americans. The Chicks have seen their CD sales and radio airplay suffer a steep landslide, with

many radio programmers refusing to play their songs at all. Some have also given the group a new name, combining the words ‘Dixie’ and ‘Chicks’ into simply ‘The Dicks’.

Chris Judd, meanwhile, won the first edition of reality show I ’m a Celebrity, Get m e out o f Here!, taking home $200,000 and his last remain­ ing fifteen minutes of fame... Sorry, Chris who?

And, finally, congratulations are in order for Jennifer Lopez and Céline Dion, who both recently launched a line of perfumes and body products. Dion, who begins her three-year stint in Las Vegas this week, describes her scent as “the magic touch for young women hop­ ing to meet their 80-year-old dream man.” It is said to have a hint of cit­ rus flavour, with touches of talcum powder, Menthol and Preparation H. Lopez’s fragrance, meanwhile, just smells like ass.

Okay, so maybe I’m a little insensitive... And the occasional joke may be offensive to some read­ ers. But I am not (awkward silence) mean, okay?

THE

T h e C o re M o v ie .co m

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IN THEATRES EVERYWHERE MARCH 28

Sports KAYAKER

T h e M c G ill T rib u n e , Tuesday, March 25, 2003

PROFILE

T h e p a d d le is th e o n ly th in g o n K le v in a s ' m in d James Scarfone

Flying home from a kayaking regatta in Brazil, Adam Klevinas and his teammates had little inclination about what that particular day would bring. After departing from New York City on a connecting flight to Montreal at approximately 8 am, the Burlington, Ontario, native took some pictures of the World Trade Center from above, not realizing that it was the last time he would see the towers standing upright. Roughly the same time his plane landed at Montreal-Dorval International Airport, news broke that a plane had crashed into one of the buildings Klevinas had eyed just hours earlier.

Shaken from the possibility that his plane could have been hijacked, compounded by an onslaught of journalists surrounding him for his story upon arrival in Montreal, Klevinas knew he had to evaluate his life choices.

“I can’t say that [September 11] had a tremendous affect on me or that it added extra cohesion with my crew,” said Klevinas. “But it did get me thinking about my future and how determined I am to continue kayaking.”

With this in mind, Klevinas began to set aside significant time for the sport he loves.

Strangely enough, getting into kayaking was almost as much of a fluke as his brush with September

COURTESY OF ADAM KLEVINAS

Klevinas hopes to train on the St. Lawrence River soon, instead of travelling to the land of oranges and old people.

11. Playing hockey in southern Ontario in 1998, the cool, Californian-like freshman played alongside a teammate whose father was the kayaking Olympic coach at the time. Once Klevinas recognized the opportunity he had, he decided to ditch the winter game in favour of the less popular sport.

“I was getting sick of sitting out in the summer,” said the 20-year-old Arts student. “I knew I had this con­ nection and thought I should take advantage.”

Klevinas could have had a suc­ cessful career in hockey, if he had chosen such a route. He was drafted by the Belleville Bulls of the Ontario

Hockey League in 1998.

Considering he has only been involved with competitive kayaking for roughly five years, Klevinas’ list of accomplishments is lengthy.

He has competed in the past three Pan-Am Championships, which are warm-up competitions for the Pan-Am Games. At these games, he has won a minimum of two medals each year in the K-l, K-2 and K-4 events. He will participate in this year’s Games in the Dominican Republic.

Klevinas is also a veteran of the world stage, competing in the World Championships three times.

Klevinas finished twelfth in 2001,

his best result.

Countless national champi­ onship trophies fill his trophy case as well. Unfortunately, due to the national kayaking program’s lack of development in recent years, and a bad changeover from veterans to rookies in 1996, he is keeping his eye on the Summer Olympics in Beijing in 2008 rather than the upcoming Athens Games as his ulti­ mate goal.

As Klevinas adjusts to universi­ ty life as a Political Science major and prepares for a possible career in bureaucracy, namely the Canadian Olympic Committee, he is tirelessly juggling a busy lifestyle.

“I’ve been training like a psy­ cho,” remarked Klevinas. “It gets really tiring trying to fit [school, training, and competition] into my schedule, but I’m very self-motivat­ ed. I’ve been doing it for a long time.

“I rarely get a morning or an afternoon off and Sunday is really my only downtime. It’s not diffi­ cult,” he continued. “It’s just learn­ ing to adapt.”

Klevinas is also trying to adapt to the lengthy winter season Montreal has experienced this year.

When not in school, he flies back and forth to Florida so that he can train in warmer weather where the water isn’t frozen. He is also getting frustrated that the St. Lawrence River hasn’t thawed as early as he expected.

“I have to say I’m starting to regret coming to McGill, mainly because of the bad weather,” bemoaned Klevinas. “However, I have been enjoying the facilities and track coach Dennis Barrett is doing a great job helping me out with my training.”

Needless to say, the brutal schedule has not affected his per­ formance, and Klevinas is in no rush to get his education. He will become a part-time student next year in an effort to strengthen his role as an offcampus athlete.

“I’ve made incredible jumps in the last little while,” he says. “[Being a student-athlete] is great, but diffi­ cult. I just have to get used to this new transition.”

SPEED SKATER PROFILE

Have speed, w ill travel M cG ill's Jayner a double silver m edal at Canada G am es John Bowden W hile m any young Canadians take up hockey or fig­ ure skating as a toddler, Travis Jayner found his calling in the less popular sport of speed skating.

Jayner, a U1 part-time McGill student who recently switched from Engineering to Geography, finds that he now has more time to pursue his goals on the ice thanks to a lightened workload. Hailing from Riverview, New Brunswick, he has been speed skating since the age of five.

But what motivates someone to steer clear of a stick and puck?

“I guess it was because my dad speed skated in the 1960s and 1970s,” Jayner answered. “He stopped after high school because there were no world cham pi­ onships back then.”

The sport has expanded rap­ idly since that time, with speed­ skating clubs sprouting up across the country. Jayner is a member of

the Club de patinage de vitesse Montréal Internationale that trains out of the Maurice Richard Arena near the Olympic Stadium. The club has produced stars such as Gaétan Boucher, Isabelle Charest and Marc Gagnon over the years.

Although Jayner specializes in short-track skating— the 500, 1000, 1500, and 3000 metre dis­ tances, he prefers the longer dis­ tances.

“I do all distances, as I feel I have all-around skill. I can sprint and have endurance.”

The 20-year-old competes in the men’s senior category, match­ ing up against everyone from age 18 and up.

At the C anada Games in Bathurst-Campbellton this winter, he earned a silver medal in the 3000 m, and another one in the team relay race. Ranked 19th in the country last year, he has elevat­ ed himself two spots this year.

“I feel like I’m improving each year. M y goal is to finish in the top

12,” Jayner remarked.

If Jayner can accomplish this objective, he will get carded, giving him government funding and earning him a spot on the National Development Team.

Since m aking the New Brunswick provincial team at the age of 12 and earning a trip to the Nationals, he feels that he has had enough success over the years to continue the demanding training that speed skating requires.

During the season, he is on the ice practicing six days a week for two hours each day, with a brief break on Saturdays. He also weight trains twice a week, and runs whenever possible.

The return of warm tempera­ tures does not mean that Jayner takes a vacation and catches some rest and relaxation like the rest of us.

“In the off-season, I do a lot of biking and roller-blading,” Jayner said, adding that he has participat­ ed in roller-blading marathons in

JOHN JAYNER

McGill athlete Jayner out in front of the pack in a race ealier this season

the US. However, he is on the ice for the majority of the time, as he begins training in July, right through to mid-April.

He noted that many cannot maintain the mental and physical focus needed for such a gruelling season. Jayner, however, relishes the demanding workload.

“I love to skate. I don’t see it as work, and it’s not like a summer

job. I keep improving too and that helps.”

As for the future, Jayner hopes to continue skating for the next few years, but also has an interest in urban planning and transporta­ tion issues. At some point, he might even try to tackle the prob­ lems that plague Montreal’s trans­ portation sector.

Now there’s a challenge.

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Sports 21

Take me out to the silver screen for a sports flick lacks character development save for Boone. However, the film succeeds at showing how a bunch of black and white teenagers go from hating each other to becoming lifelong friends through the bonds of sport. The movie could have used a few more football scenes, as well.

O U T O F L E F T FIELD James Scarfone

9) The S andlot Also set in our parents’ era, this film stars a bunch of pre-teens spend­ ing their summer just playing pick­ up baseball all day, every day. How amazing is this setting, and how far from reality is it today? There’s barely enough park space in Montreal to even try it. This movie brings us back to our devil-may-care youth by show­ ing us that playing baseball is all that matters... and kissing a lifegaurd couldn’t hurt.

soon-to-be superstar (Tim Robbins), while both pursue the sexy Sarandon, a baseball groupie. The idea of know­ ing what goes on in minor-league baseball off the field is intriguing for some reason. Loosely based on the actual Durham Bulls, this picture also possesses a lot of redeemable qualities present in many Oscar-worthy films.

6) Rocky This movie received the ultimate distinction, walking home with the Oscar for Best Picture in 1976. Good ol’ Sly Stallone, who also wrote the screenplay, portrays an extremely hard-working boxer from Philadelphia—mmm, raw eggs— trying to climb the ranks to world champion. It was so good that it spawned four sequels and created a name for that amazing theme song.

The fight scenes are incredible and Stallone’s face seems to look worse and worse after every big bout.

Aaaaaaadrieeeeeenn! !

meets his destiny. A remarkable sports film despite the minimal game action.

The Oscars just passed, and it is not surprising that another artsy film went home with the Best Picture nod. The big-box Chicago took Best Picture, but just once I’d like to see someone win an award for his por­ trayal of Jackie Robinson’s struggle in the racially insensitive world of base­ 3) R udy ball, or perhaps a critic giving credit Another great true story about a to a Mario Lemieux-like character college boy of average athleticism 8) H appy G ilm ore instead of a Russell Crowe hero. with a gigantic heart, whose only goal Not exactly a sports movie p er But just like Montreal’s chances in life is to dress for the historic Notre of keeping the Expos in town, I’ve se, but Adam Sandler did get the Dame football team. We witness the come to the realization that those sce­ young male demographic interested trials and tribulations he has gone narios are not likely to happen. With in golf well before anyone had ever 5) A L eague o f T heir O wn through since he was a child, raised the exception of a darkSome may classify this as a chick by a working class Chicago family, horse boxing film from the flick, but I couldn’t care less. Tom and the success story he becomes. As disco era, sports movies are Hanks’ classic lines— “There’s no cry­ a short man myself, I felt Rudy’s pain not considered part of the ing in baseball!”—and the nostalgic all too much. Needless to say, this film culture’s premier show­ 1940s setting is all I need to enjoy movie is quite inspiring. cases. Sports movies are this picture starring Geena Davis.

The extremely underrated made to entertain in the The screenplay was well-written and Charles S. Dutton is outstanding as same way live sports and accurate from what I’ve heard, not to Rudy’s morale booster, of which the the stories behind the ath­ mention the brilliant cast. A nice latter needs much of on his bumpy letes do. touch was the great timing on hiring road to achieving his goal. I’m just a The following is a list Rosie O’Donnell before she got sucker for these based-on-a-trueof 10 sports flicks that incredibly annoying. Too bad the story flicks, and its ranked this high come pretty close to achiev­ Baseball Hall of Fame doesn’t show­ for a reason.

HAPPY G/LMOURAJNIVERSAL PICTURES ing classic status, and one of case the women’s professional league them was even good enough for one heard of Tiger Woods. This accom­ nearly as well as the movie depicted 2) Slap Shot plishment is pretty significant, thus it. of those fancy gold statues.

Every Canadian kid has seen this Without further ado, the best warranting the unusually high rank­ outrageously funny slapstick made ing. Rocky alumnus Carl Weathers sports movies of all time.

4) F ield o f D ream s during the old-time hockey hey-day teaches Sandler’s character, Happy, “D ad... you wanna have a that was the 1970s. Mired in the how to control his game and his tem­ catch?” Check your pulse if you don’t demise of the dreadful Charlestown 10) R em em ber th e Titans This movie only made the list per in what is arguably the best shed a tear when Kevin Costner calls Chiefs, player/coach Reggie Dunlop because it is based on a stirring true Sandler film to date. Nothing very out to his pop to throw the ball (Paul Newman) is forced to groom story. A district in 1970s Virginia has noteworthy occurs except when around at the end of this dreams-do- the abnormal Hanson Brothers into ordered an immediate desegregation Happy kicks the crap out of other come-true movie. Costner (yes, he’s minor-league hockey stars. For better of a local high school, and the pre­ players— come on down, Bob type-casted; avoid For The Love o f the or for worse, the boys turn into a line dominantly white townsfolk are Barker—and fans. The price is Game at all costs) plays a man of des­ of notorious goons, and the league tiny, Ray Kinsella, who, under the puts a bounty on them as a result. incredibly displeased, especially when wrong, bitch! they meet the new football head inspiration of an unknown voice, While this is clearly one for the guys, 7) B u ll D urham coach. Denzel Washington is superb destroys his corn crop in order to it’s impossible not to laugh regardless This one is on nearly every build a baseball field. Everyone of gender when watching the broth­ as the thick-skinned Herman Boone, though he’s joined by a questionable sports critic’s list, making it an obvi­ thinks he’s gone mad, but with the ers stand with blank expressions for ous choice. A veteran minor-league help of James Earl Jones and Shoeless the national anthem, dried blood et supporting cast full of have-nots.

The story jumps around and catcher (Costner) guides a young Joe Jackson (Ray Liotta), Kinsella al.

McGill Red men football awardwinners announced Josh Sommerfeldc, quarterback of the Dunsmore Cup-winning McGill Redmen, walked away with three pieces of silverware at the annu­ al Friends of McGill Football awards banquet, held on March 22 at the Omni Hotel in downtown Montreal.

The 24-year-old History &c Political Science senior from Cambridge, Ontario, received the Students’ Society trophy as most valuable player, plus the Dan Pronyk memorial trophy as most outstand­ ing offensive player and, for the sec­ ond straight year, the Fred Wigle

memorial trophy for the most sports­ manlike player.

Mike Mahoney, a second-team all-Canadian middle linebacker from Regina, won the Friends of McGill Football trophy as most outstanding defensive player for the second time.

Stephen Young, an all-Canadian defensive end from Scarborough, Ontario, who led the nation with 9.5 sacks last season and recently signed as a free agent with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, received the Touchdown Club trophy as the team's most valuable lineman.

Anand Pillai, a second-team allCanadian kicker from Stoney Creek, Ontario, won the Friends of McGill trophy as the most outstanding spe­ cial teams player.

Greg Shink, an all-conference comerback from Montreal West, was presented with the Willie Lambert trophy as most dedicated player.

Steve Céolin, a two-time all-star

receiver from St-Georges-de-Beauce, Quebec, won the Northern Telecom Charlie Baillie trophy as best team player.

Alexandre Martin, a wide receiver from Trois-Rivières, Quebec, won the Lois Obeck trophy for most improved player.

Frederik Martin, cousin of Alexandre, won the Fred Dupré memorial trophy as rookie of the year, after becoming a starter at defensive back midway through the 2002 season.

Athletics Gala set for April 3 The major award-nominees have been announced for the 2003 McGill Athletics Awards Gala, to be held on April 3, inside the Tomlinson Fieldhouse at the McGill Sports Centre.

The stiffest competition is for the Gladys Bean trophy, as four AllCanadian nominees are up for the

1) Caddyshack This one is in its own league.

The sarcastic humour of Chevy Chase, the crude and loveable Rodney Dangerfield, (and, well, do I really need to describe Bill Murray’s talents?) are enough to make anyone want to watch this over and over.

Centred on caddy Danny Noonan and the follies surrounding Bushwood Country Club, this golf classic stands alone mainly because of brilliant direction, constant oneliners and an exceptional cast.

Like Slap Shot, some playful nudity helps its rank. Unforgettable scenes include Ted Knight chasing Michael O’Keefe after the snobby judge catches him sleeping with his niece; the Baby Ruth floater; and Murray going off about the Dalai Lama. This film must be in every

ORION PICTURES CORPORATION

sport lover’s collection. It pokes so much fun at the pretentious golf world... which, come to think of it, shares a lot in common with that pre­ tentious little ceremony known as the Academy Awards.

award. Vying for top McGill female on the list. athlete is Kim St-Pierre, named The other nominees include Canadian Interuni versify Sport Nicolas Zyromski, an alpine skier hockey player of the year. Distance who won the Quebec Student Sports runner Sarah Ali-Khan, CIS athlete Federation’s individual champi­ ot the year in both cross-country and onship, and Alexandre Scott, the CIS track, and Alanna Maloney, a soccer rookie of the year in soccer. striker who played for Canada at the McGill won a school record World University Games, are also in total of 11 championships over the the running. Rounding out the list is 2002-03 season and six of those “Roo” Chintoh, a member of the teams are on the ballot for the Canadian national rugby program.

Martlet Foundation trophy, present­ Nominees for the Stuart Forbes ed to the team of the year. The trophy as male athlete of the year Redmen football, Redmen swim include David Burgess, Redmen team, Martlet track and field, ; hockey captain who was third in the Martlet hockey, Redmen soccer and Ontario University Athletics scoring Martlet Rugby are up for the award. race, and Josh Sommerfeldt, the The Flarry Giffiths trophy for Redmen football quarterback who intercollegiate club of the year will go guided the team to the Dunsmore to either Redmen and Martlet row­ Cup victory. ing, Redmen rugby, Martlet and All-Canadian swimmer ■Redmen skiing, Redmen squash or Alexandre Pichette won two gold Martlet synchro swimming. medals and 'one silver at the CIS championships, earning him a berth

22 Sports

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Low-ranked teams produce surprises in NCAA Continued from page 1

Another trend in this year’s tournament is the increasing num­ ber of remarkably close games. Last year, only five first round games were decided by five or fewer points, while this time, there were 13 such contests.

The many tight matchups pro­ vided for plenty of heroic efforts.

While some of those who stepped up, like Wake Forest’s Josh Howard and M issouri’s Rickey Paulding, were already well known, the magic of the tourney is that players can make a name for themselves with a single shot. One such man is Cal freshman Richard Midgely, whose three-pointer with seconds left in overtime lifted the Golden Bears over North Carolina State.

The second round was similar to the first, in that it contained few major surprises. Only two teams, Butler and Auburn, were able to fit the glass slipper—compared with the four teams seeded eighth or lower that made the Sweet Sixteen last year.

The lack of upsets doesn’t mean that the battles put up by the lower seeds were meaning­ less. Rather, they allowed teams with tide aspirations to get their seemingly mandatory near-miss out of the way. As Iowa State coach Larry Eustachy said, “To go all the way, you’ve got to get through that one game when you play bad and still • n win.

In last year’s tourney, Kansas and Oklahoma were high seeds who were pushed to the brink of elimina­ tion in early games, but recovered to make the Final Four. This time, just about every high seed still left other than Kentucky, Oklahoma and Pittsburgh has already had a scare.

So, how do the relatively easy rides of the Wildcats, Sooners and

LASER

w

Panthers bode for their chances in the Sweet Sixteen and beyond?

Here’s a look at how the rest of the tournament could shape up.

West Notre Dame vs. Arizona The Fighting Irish played very well against a strong Illinois team, but they are in the Sweet Sixteen for the first time in 16 years. They will be hard pressed to overcome the extremely talented and experienced Wildcats.

Pick: Arizona

duo, guard Ben Gordon and NCAAleading shot-blocker Emeka Okafor, should be enough to beat the over­ seeded Longhorns.

Pick: Connecticut Michigan State vs. Maryland The Spartans don’t have the senior experience of the defending champs, who should be able to match MSU on the defensive end, and beat them on offence.

Pick: Maryland

for them to overcome.

Pick: Syracuse

Trib staff NCAA picks: Karen Kelly: Oklahoma over Kentucky James Empringham: Kentucky over Maryland Sarah W right Arizona over Connecticut Mark Kerr.

Syracuse over Arizona

Elite Eight West: Arizona; Midwest: Kentucky; South: Connecticut; East: Syracuse.

Final Four Arizona over Kentucky; Syracuse over Connecticut.

Championship Arizona 82, Syracuse 70

Midwest Wisconsin vs. Kentucky The Badgers mounted a tremendous comeback to beat Tulsa, but their luck will run out against a hot-shooting, vet­ eran-laden Wildcat team on a 25-game winning streak.

Pick: Kentucky

NCM

CUDDLES PROGRAM FUNDRAISER

Big men do basketball ballet for charity

Marquette vs. Pittsburgh Sarah Wright_____________ __ Although PG Brandin J Knight provides senior lead­ Members of the Montreal ership, his free-throw shooting Alouettes and the Redmen football (56 per cent) and ball control (3.2 TO/game) leave something to teams played in a charity basketball game at the Sir Arthur Currie Gym be desired. Marquette, meanwhile, has a star in Dwyane Wade, and has on Sunday. The Cuddles Program gotten strong guard play from Travis for premature babies was founded

by Alouettes veteran Baron Miles Diener. and his wife Jennifer, whose eldest Pick: Marquette child, Raven, was bom four months Duke vs. Kansas premature.

East Despite their strength upfront Given a mere five per cent Oklahoma vs. Butler and their impressive victory over chance of survival and weighing Even with guard Hollis Price Arizona State, the Jayhawks guard play is too inconsistent. Meanwhile, slowed by a groin injury, the Sooners only one pound at birth, Raven was Duke’s backcourt, featuring have strong enough inside play and the inspiration for the second Dahntay Jones and budding star J.J. three-point shooting to end the Cuddles basketball fundraiser between the Redmen and the Redick, has shown the ability to take Bulldogs’ surprising run.

Alouettes.

Pick: Oklahoma over games.

“She really is something of a Pick: Duke miracle,” said Jennifer Miles, hug­ Syracuse vs. Auburn The Tigers showed they ging her seven-year-old daughter, South deserved their bid by upsetting Wake who spent most of the game run­ Connecticut vs. Texas Texas PG T.J. Ford is a national Forest, but Carmelo Anthony and ning around the stands or flirting player-of-the-year candidate, but Co. playing just two hours from with Alouette mascot Touché.

UConn’s outstanding inside-outside campus in Albany will be too much “Because Baron is a football player, it gives us a good avenue to be able to do something like this.”

V ISIO N C O R R E C T IO N In a family affair that had door prizes, a slam-dunk competition, autograph signings and entertain­ Experience ment from the McGill Dance Pak, Our surgeons have performed the Alouettes, with the help of some more than 51,000 laser vision questionable scoring techniques, corrections. beat the Redmen 76-74 in over­ Technology time.

The Alouettes maintained a We offer patients state-of-the-art technology and eye evaluation 10-point lead for most of the game. equipment, including the Bausch In a shocking turn of events, the

score magically became tied at 67 with eight seconds remaining. As a result, the light-hearted competi­ tion went into OT and the game ended with three Redmen players pinning an Alouette, preventing him from making a pass. All forms of guarding were legal according to the referees.

The event was staffed com­ pletely by volunteers, including M cG ill basketball head coaches Nevio Marzinotto and Lisen Moore.

“I had an absolute riot,” said Moore, who refereed the game. “I was so pleased to be involved and everyone was just having so much fun.”

Bob Beaulac, a former McGill student and the assistant facilities manager for M cG ill Athletics, organized matters on McGill’s end.

“We have a great relationship with [the Alouettes],” said Beaulac.

“We’re very pleased to run events like this, particularly charity events.

The idea with a game like this is to get as many people out, so it can continue to grow.”

In its inaugural year, the Cuddles Program raised just over $5,000. This year they hope to make even more.

“We need to do more of these activities,” said Moore. “I think something like this with some won­ derful sportsmen is a great start.

& Lomb Zyoptix custom laser.

Results Pierre Demers, MD Ophthalmologist 11,000 surgeries

Mark Cohen, MD Ophthalmologist 20,000 surgeries

Avi Wallerstefci, MD 1 Ophthalmologist f 20,000 surgeries

Kinesiology Games come to McGill

Most of our patients enjoy 20/20 vision and good night vision quality.

ASEQ SPECIAL Our fee covers: pre-procedure examinations, laser treatment and follow-up.

P rices s ta rtin g a t

$500

* The McGill Student Health Plan covers laser vision correction with Lasik MD. Special offer exclusively for ASEQ members.

Prices may vary based on prescription strength.

Applicable to surgery of both eyes.

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The Kinesiology Games were held at McGill this weekend. Flag football, relay races, cheering competitions and some drunken debauchery were among the events in which our future doctors participated._______________________ __

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 25, 2003

SOCCER PLAYER

Sports 23

PROFILE

McGill's brand new Day O tt awa transfer student finally fits right in Caitlin M. Buckley

Though technically a Martlet, Day was not allowed to play in any games When Physiology student and or even wear a team jersey this fall.

“It was an odd transition since I all-Canadian soccer player Danielle Day transferred to McGill this fall, wasn’t able to do everything the oth­ she brought with her some formative ers did,” Day explained. “But the team was really nice, and that made it baggage.

The Canadian Interuniversity much easier.”

As it turns out, Day would not Sport National Championship in have to wait a full year to play for 2001 saw Day and her University of Ottawa teammates challenge the McGill. Quebec’s Indoor Soccer McGill Martlets. The Gee Gees lost League, in its first institutionally rec­ due in large part to the effective ognized year, does not have the same CIS transfer regulations. defence of McGill’s Sabrina DuFour.

Throughout the indoor soccer You would think Day would season, Day has proven to be an hold a grudge against her one-time foes, right? Think again. Day greeted important member of the Martlets, her new running mates at the first contributing speed, scoring skills and practice in September with a friendly the experience of university competi­ tion. handshake.

“She’s a great asset to the pro­ Day’s easygoing attitude might gramme,” said head coach Marc be attributed to the fact that she was never forced to play soccer. As a Mounicot. “I’m hoping she’ll bring child, Day’s parents enrolled her in leadership to our team, and her expe­ many different activities, leaving her rience as a player has helped a lot. She to choose her favourites. As a five- has a positive attitude, and she does­ year-old defender on her community n’t see herself as better or above any of soccer team, Day found her niche, her teammates.”

Day is quickly on her way to and outdoor soccer became an inte­ gral part of the Montrealer’s routine accomplishing as much as Mounicot expected she would, based on her * growing up.

Although she has played in sev­ performance for Ottawa.

McGill hosted its first Indoor eral leagues for many different teams, her transfer to the Martlets is unique. Classic Soccer Tournament February According to CIS rules, a transfer stu­ 28 to March 2. Not only did McGill dent must wait one season before win for the first time ever, but Day playing on another university team. was named tournament MVP. “It really was a team effort,” said

Day. Despite her achievements indoors, Day is anxious to get back under the sun, where she prefers to exhibit her skills.

“I started to play forward when I was 14, and since then, I’ve loved it so much more. It’s great to score, of course, but I like being able to run and really use my speed,” said Day. “With indoor soccer, there are a lot more opportunities and, if you slack off after scoring, you can easily lose the game. The better team does not necessarily win, it’s the team who wants it more,” she said in comparing the two variations of the sport.

And how will Day feel facing her old team next year? The competition has already begun. Day is tied with Dominique Bertrand of the Gee Gees for top indoor scorer.

“Am I?” Day laughed when told of the stat. “I’m not surprised. I never actually played with Dominique, but she is definitely a good player.

“I wonder what Ottawa thinks of that?” she added with a grin.

In reality, Day is all business when it comes to dealing with Ottawa as the competition.

“The only chance of me playing against Ottawa is if exhibition games are scheduled, or we both qualify for Nationals. Last year, neither team even qualified, so who knows what will happen,” she explained.

Facing friends and old team­

MARK KUPFERT

Day is tied for most goals scored in the Quebec Indoor Soccer League.

mates is really not a factor while play­ ing soccer. Day just wants to play; with two remaining years of eligibili­ ty, she’ll do just that. Whether it’s outdoors, against Ottawa, or simply representing her team at the Indoor League Championships this week­ end, Day’s going to have fun and still

manage to keep up a winning atti­ tude.

“She really wants to win Nationals, something she couldn’t do in Ottawa,” Mounicot stressed.

That’s good, because the Martlets’ quest for the gold medal seems secure in Day’s hands.

Now that you’re graduating, don’t make the same mistakes your parents made.

Looking for firsthand advice on all the things your parents never taught you - like how to land a job you’ll actually enjoy, manage your money, find the best city for grads like you, and travel the world on the cheap? Visit our online edition and check out the new and improved GradZone.

Visit www.mcgilltribune.com/gradzone

— Dad, c. 1969 —

*

POSITIONS AVAILABLE FOR THE

2003-2004 ACADEMIC

YEAR

Are you interested in getting involved with activities on cam pus next year?

The Students'Society of McGill University is currently looking for enthusiastic and ded­ icated people to fill the following positions for the 2003-2004 academic year:

The deadline to apply for the any of the above positions is 5:00pm on Friday, March 28,2003. Applications including a resume and cover letter must be submitted to the SSMU Front Desk, Suite 1200 of the William and Mary Brown Student Services Buidling, or by email to Naeem Datoo at: getinvolved@ssmu.mcgill.ca.

For more info on any of the above positions, please go to www.ssmu.ca.

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