The McGill Tribune Vol. 24 Issue 26_1

Will the Tribbies ever escape the wrathful Lord Bryan and his tyrannical ministers?

SSMU's pet monkey doesn’t think so.

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

News

O F F IC E O F T H E O M B U D S P E R S O N F O R S T U D E N T S

NEED H E L P ?

Beings from parallel universe bring tidings of parallel McGill R e p o rts M

a l u es

Special T h e O ffic e o f t h e O m b u d s p e r s o n f o r s t u d e n t s o f f e r s c o n f id e n tia l, in fo rm a l, i n d e p e n d e n t , a n d n e u tr a l d i s p u t e r e s o l u t i o n s e r v i c e s t o all m e m b e r s o f t h e s t u d e n t c o m m u n i t y

o f e ffic ie n c y , M

offang

to the

W eekly

The Earthlings have noticed us! This article was reprinted with special permission fro m Earth McGill’s despicable rag The McGill Tribune.

b y p ro v id in g in fo rm a tio n , a d v ic e , in te r v e n tio n a n d re f e r r a ls . cGill students from a parallel universe landed on Lower Field yester­ day, proclaiming their goodwill and their eagerness to learn about our university and way of life.

“Things are very different here,” said one parallel student as she emerged from the craft. “I mean, why is it so cold? Where is your weather bubble?”

Such differences confused the parallel students at first. Zil Gnamella, U3 Men’s Studies, was surprised to learn that our cam­ pus does not utilize moving side­ walks.

“I stepped on the sidewalk, lost my balance, and sprained my ankle,” Gnamella said.

She added that the service at our health clinic, where she was taken to receive treatment, dif­ fered significantly from her paral­ lel health clinic.

“How do I feel about yours?

Well, let’s just say I wish we had landed on the Brown Building instead of lower field,” she explained.

The parallel students were interested to see other differ­ ences between our campus and theirs.

“D on’t you get tired of watching BET and Much Vibe in Caferama all day?” asked Semaj Enofracs, U3 Herstory. “We usu­

M F or a n a p p o in tm e n t to m e e t

D R . N O R M A N M . M IL L E R ,

O m b u d s p e rs o n fo r S tu d e n ts ,

p l e a s e g iv e u s a c a ll a t

(514) 398-7059 Office location: Brown Student Services Building, Room 5202 Fax: 3 9 8 -19 4 6

Email: ombudsperson@mcgill.ca Website: www.mcgill.ca/ombudsperson

W McGill The Department of Jewish Studies 4

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B L A C K E R A N D G L A S R O T F A M IL IE S M E M O R IA L A W A R D F O R H O L O C A U S T R E S E A R C H

k in d n e s s

ally watch Family Guy." When told of recent contn >versies on campus, many parallel students were surprised to learn that some issues have not been resolved.

“Muslim prayer rooms? We have 10!” commented Refinnej Ttej, U2 Political Art. “And we had a strike against some fee cuts, too. In the end we received free education, stipends all around, and our movement inspired students to overthrow authoritarian governments and establish democracies in eight countries. I guess you guys should just keep working on it.”

Ttej also seemed impressed with McLennan Library. “It’s very nice,” she said. “But where is your main branch, the one with all the books?”

Mada Retnoc, the president of the UMSS, which is parallel McGill’s parallel students’ socie­ ty, was among the group of par­ allel students. The UMSS, explained" Retnoc, also sponsors many campus publications, such as humour magazine The Blue Trout.

“It’s really a great magazine.” said Noawi Knil, U3 Precolonial Studies, as she handed out com­ plimentary friendship copies.

“It’s so funny! Which I guess is why it has a lot of funding from the UMSS.” The Blue Trout isn’t the only parallel publication at parallel McGill.

“We have this great paper called the McGill Weekly," said Leinad Nehoc, U3 Chaos. “It's always error free, interesting, and offers very entertaining stories.

Everyone really likes it a lot.”

stablished in 2000 by Mr. and Mrs. Josef Glasrot, survivors of the I ta lia n m e n a r e m a m a 's b o y s : s t u d y Holocaust and residents of Montreal. Open to any student at McGill I taly has the highest percent­ laundry,” he said. “I respe.t University, the award is presented for excellence in research in age of adult males w ho live wom en. Until I find a wife to in their p aren ts’ hom e, do my housework, I’m not leav­ Holocaust and related studies, and particularly on the history of the ghettos according to a study of industri­ ing my m other.”

Catania’s m other, Linda, of Warsaw and Kovno (Katinas). Essays prepared in any course or independent alized countries released last added that she would be devas­ w eek. Stop M othering Men research may be considered. The award is administered by the Department tated if her son moved out.

(SMM), an international “My son loves m e,” she of Jewish Studies in cooperation with the Jewish Community Foundation. w om en’s group, commissioned the report, which found that 90 said. “All good Italian boys love The award will be presented during the Closing Exercises of the Department per cent of Italian m en remain their mothers. Vittorio is not going to insult the w om an who of Jewish Studies in lune, 2005. The value of the Blacher and Glasrot at hom e until they marry. gave birth to him by leaving me “By m aking this reality Families Memorial Award is $1000. for no reason.”

E

• The competition is open to undergraduate and graduate students at McGill University.

• Students must submit 2 typed copies of their essays together with full contact information.

• Essays can be based on primary or secondary materials and work in all related disciplines will be considered.

• Essay submissions must reach the Department of Jewish Studies Office, 3438 McTavish Street, no later than April 13, 2005.

public, it is our hope that men in developed countries w ho still live with their m others will feel asham ed and leave the family n est,” said SMM spokesperson Laurel Shue. “If you are an em ployed adult, your m other should not be packing you a lunch each w eekday.”

Vittorio Catania, 34, a real estate broker in Milan w ho lives at home, disagreed.

“T here’s no sham e in the fact that my m other does rfty

The study suggests popular support for the phenom enon am ong fathers in Italy, once m am a’s boys themselves.

“If my boy leaves the house and gets his ow n apartment, he will be all alone,” said Pasquale Otto, w ho resides in Rome under the same roof as his son Roberto, a 26-year-old engi­ neer. “What if h e ’s watching TV and something funny happens on the show? H e’ll have no one to laugh with.”

— Sail Ravoan

News ^

Trie McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

Referendum to abolish P a r a lle l

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ill's

s tu d e n t

u n io n 's

J erifinn J . T et

The M cG ill W eekly In a referendum next week, students will almost certainly vote to rescind a Tribune fee they describe as “oppressive” and “hard to find exact change for.”

After weeks of deliberation and a court battle that left all parties involved with some nasty head w ounds, the Students’ Society Judicial Board is expect­ ed to release the results of the rerendum by the end of next week.

Students currently pay a fee of one-hundredth of a cent per semester to support the weekly newspaper.

“That’s two-hundredths of a cent over the course of a year that students are forced to pay for a new spaper they may not even read,” said Interest-GroupFinancial-Administrator-I’m-really -th e -T re a su re r-S S M U -ju stw on’t-give-me-the-title Enrique de los Eykenes, who submitted the question along with Arts Undergraduate Society VicePresident (Ambitious) Jacob Itzkowitzafritz.

Tribune Editor-in-Chief Eilatan Rehctelf insisted that even if students do not read the Tribune, the one-hundredth of a cent fee entitles them to other rights.

“They have, for example, the right to use the new spaper to make funny hats,” she said.

“Paper airplanes are fun, too.”

Tribune supporters accused de los Eykenes and Itzkowitzafritz of persecuting the paper because it does not pro­

o n e p la n s

a n d to

o n ly ta k e

vide them with enough cover­ age. Itzkowitzafritz denied the charge. De los Eykenes proceed­ ed to hire a pack of rabid mon­ keys to bribe the misguided stu­ dents with ice cream.

“Just because I campaigned to withdraw funding for the Tribune doesn’t mean I have anything against it,” he said, pausing to shove a hearty spoonful of Heavenly Hash into his mouth. “Ice cream is good.”

Outraged, and understand­ ably confused, Rehctlef respond­ ed by submitting her own care­ fully w orded referendum ques­ tion: “Do you agree that the Tribune is, in fact, a newspaper, and that it is published by the 'Students’ Society, as is clearly stated in our masthead? NB— Sorry for wasting your time.”

“SSMU should have no authority over the Tribune’s affairs,” Rehctlef said. “So to make my point, I submitted a question for the SSMU referen­ dum .”

Not to be, outdone, former Tribune editor and past SSMU president Kate H edsor has placed a third referendum ques­ tion on the ballot, asking stu­ dents w hether the Tribune should be printed on paper that leaves fewer newsprint stains on readers’ hands.

In response, Rehctlef and Tribune News Editor Raula Baas submitted a petition to J-Board asking that the opt-out question be invalidated.

“After w eeks of hearing about nothing but ‘Tribune this’ and ‘Tribune that,’ I’m sure stu­ dents were dying to find out the results of the democratic process

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in which they took the time to partici­ pate,” Baas said.

“So I thought to myself, ‘How can I make this process as difficult and pro­ longed as possible?’

This seem ed like the best way.”

Despite their best efforts, Rehctef and Baas’s petition failed.

W ithout the $3.60 in annual funding the student fee provides, the Tribune can no longer afford its publication costs.

Smelling blood, SSMU acting Dictator Bryan Andrew has offered a buyout, purchas­ ing the Tribune and all its assets, new printer included, for $160. Should the Tribune’s editors agree, the new spa­ per will henceforth be known as the SSMU Sentinel.

Rumour has it that the executive has been resorting to physical abuse and name-calling to persuade recently incarcerat­ ed Tribbies to surrender their freedom of speech.

If all goes according to plan, de los Eykenes and Itzkowitzafritz will run the Sentinel under the SSMU execu­ tive’s supervision.

“It doesn’t look too hard,”

fee E a rth

A v in K efshari

N ews W riter ssociate Vice-Principal (Propaganda) Fernnije Nosinbor recently under­ took unilateral initiatives to m ake McGill University more “PR-friendly.” Nosinbor justified the need for the massive struc­ tural changes by citing low cam pus spirit and a high per­ centage of ugly students.

“The students at McGill University are am ong the most unsightly in all of Canada,” said

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Nosinbor. “I m ean seriously, McGill students are so fat that w hen they step on the scale it says to be continued.”

Nosinbor w ent on to cite several in-depth graphs proving that am ong all Canadian univer­ sities, McGill had the lowest percentage of students she w ould be able to look at with­ out puking.

The University Gossip Office’s initiatives, which will go into effect immediately, sig­ nify an enorm ous shift in McGill admissions and school policy.

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The 2005-2006 application no longer requires grades, SAT scores, or recom m endations but rather m easurements, a 7” by 11” colour photo, and an indepth description of the appli­ cant’s sex life.

The new policy has caused problem s for ugly high school students once planning on applying to McGill University.

“I was really scared w hen I went to hand in my application and that frightening w om an started laughing at me and pointing at my m an-boobs,”

ill's

de los Eykenes scoffed. “I mean, if students trust m e to run SSMU’s finances, surely I can handle a little new spaper.”

Andrew and incoming SSMU executives plan to revamp the publication, devoting more space to publicizing their achievements.

“Students never hear about the good work we do,” whined

Andrew. “Like when w e don’t have to shut dow n Shatner for 24 hours, or w hen Council actu­ ally meets quorum .”

When the referendum fails next week—as it surely will— Tribune editors plan to use the $160 to bribe SSMUshies into releasing them from captivity in the Shatner underground park­ ing.

PHOTO BY HOOTIE McBOOB

N o s in b o r

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n e w s p a p e r

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest university of them all?

F e r n n ije

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cried ugly Manitoban J.D. Katz. “I d o n ’t care about nothin’ no more. I’m joining the RCMP!” Among the more widely accepted of Nosinbor’s initia­ tives included closing all uni­ versity cafeterias, getting Carson Kressley from Queer Eye fo r the Straight Guy to hold daily sem inars in Leacock 132, replacing the R edpath library with the Redpath beauty salon, and closing dow n the Faculty of Engineering.

PR people are so hot it's evil.

News

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

Come one, come all, to the Dick Pound Centre

A d m i n is t r a t i o n e v il

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PHOTO BY IMP OF SATAN

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ch a n g e cGill’s administration has decided to make explicit its malevolent intentions toward students by creating a new position to be tentatively called “vice-princi­ pal (evil).” The position will be formed by amalgamating the portfolios of vice-principal (paperw ork and cash) and associate vice-principal (prop­ aganda), said Principal and C orporate P uppet H eather Blum-Munroe at the March 23 m eeting of Senate.

“Vice-principal (evil) is only a working title,” she said.

“Other suggestions for names w ould also be w elcom e.”

Several senators suggest­ ed nam es including “vice-prin­ cipal (deception),” “vice-priqcipal (malice)” and “vice-prin­ cipal (exploitation).”

Students’ Society VicePresident (University Scandals) and acting Dictator Bryan Andrew said he was disappointed by the princi­ pal’s announcem ent.

“The move to create a vice-principal (evil) position signals the adm inistration’s intent to move the university in a direction that is com plete­ ly opposed to student values and w hat students find desir­ able,” he said.

W hen contacted by the Weekly, Associate VicePrincipal (P ropaganda) Fernnije Nosinbor declined to com m ent on how the creation

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ritics have been quick tq, point out the continual dragging of SSMU’s feet over the last several years in proceeding with proposed Shatner renovations. But in a surprise move, incoming Students’ Society Dictator Mada Retnoc announced that not only will the building’s facelift finally take place, but that SSMU plans to overhaul the centre’s entire identity as well.

That begins, according to Retnoc, with the name. In an exclusive interview with the Weekly, he revealed that the stu­ dent centre will now be referred to as the Dick Pound Centre, in honour of McGill’s chancellor.

“We think this name change will allow for the building to be unzipped from confinem ent, and really stand erect in com­ parison to the rest of campus,” Retnoc said of the change. “I think this will have members of the McGill community swelling with pride.”

Incoming Vice-President (Super-Hot) Zor Manfree said of the move, “It’s an important change, as it will get the mes­ sage out there that there will be plenty of action at the Dick

C

Pound Centre.”

VP (Cliques and. Geeks) Noel Mwotia added, “the Dick Pound Centre is going to be a place where people can lend a helping hand. By volunteering, I m ean.”

Students apprised of the decision w ere ready to explode with enthusiasm . Said Lacey Busterton, a U2 W omen’s Studies major, “The Dick Pound Centre. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?” while U1 Human Relations student Rod Jackm an added, “The Dick

Pound Centre is definitely going to be a great place to take a load off betw een classes.”

Retnoc stressed the impor­ tance of the new and improved student centre.

“Students get caught up in the grind here at McGill, and you know the old saying about all work and no play,” he said.

“Well, there will be lots of play at the Dick Pound Centre.”

There was no official word on w hen the renovations are to begin, but Retnoc assured that “it’s coming soon.”

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ontreai • Ottawa • Kingston • Toronto • Niagara Falls Windsor • Calgary • Vancouver

N ews Brief Arts Undergraduate Society sued for libel The 2004-2005 executive of the Arts Undergraduate Society has been taken to court by a num ber of AUS executives from previous years, who claim this year’s executive’s com pe­ tence as a group is damaging their reputation.

“Seriously, what right do they have to do a good job?” said form er vice-president (AUS beer) Enrique de los Eykenes, a plaintiff in the law­ suit. “For years AUS has been know n to breed incompetent, lazy student politicians, and they are ruining our good nam e.”

Daniel Laedfriender, for­ mer vice-president (boring) said that his reason for joining the lawsuit was somewhat per­ sonal.

“I mean, there I was, rein-

Evil is everywhere. Yikes. of the new position affects her.

“This is very serious busi­ ness,” she said. “Why are you asking questions? What right, what right do students have to know?”

Vice-Principal (Paperwork and Cash) Morty Yoksalovy could not be reached for com ­ m ent by press time. However his secretary prom ised that if the Weekly sent him questions by e-mail, she w ould flag the message for him. forcing people’s ideas that the AUS VP (boring) does absolutely nothing, and that stupid Finklestein kid comes in and gets things done,” he said.

“Who’s heard of such a thing?”

Zak Finklestein, w ho cur­ rently holds the position, said that he honestly did not mean to make anyone look bad, and that he simply thought that it was the vice-president (boring)’s place to point out stu­ dents’ academic concerns and work toward resolving them.

Vice-President (No Longer Ambitious)-elect Jacob Itzkowitzafritz said that he has learned his lesson from this suit, and promises to sit around and accomplish nothing for the next year.

“I don’t want to run the risk of another such suit,” he said.

The plaintiffs are asking for $15 in damages, so that Arts Frosh, which made a $10 prof­ it under the guidance of VicePresident (Super-Hot) Zor Manfree this year, will go down in history as another failed AUS financial venture.

Proceedings will begin Monday.

— Ruala Baas

News ^

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

W h e n e v il s e e s t h e lig h t A d m in is tr a to r s

to j o i n

R uala B a a s

'

The M cG ill W

eekly

McGill’s administrators have declared their intention to join protests against various issues that have been plaguing the stu­ dent body for the past few years.

“I am delighted to announce that students will no longer be fighting against the use of Turnitin.com, cafeteria monopo­ lies, tuition hikes, and student debt alone,” said Associate VicePrincipal (I Know the Media, I Was the Media, I Own the Media, Bitches) Fernnije Nosinbor.

“McGill has decided to show soli­ darity with its students on all these fronts, and we will be stag­ ing strikes all over the place.

Wherever there’s a TV camera, there will be one of my assistants, instructing an administrator to look like a leftist.”

Principal and Corporate Puppet Heather Blum-Munroe said that she had originally planned to hold a General Assembly comprised of all the university’s administrative units to vote on whether to join the protests, but scrapped the idea when she realized they would not all fit in Leacock 232.

“Instead, I sent out an uncon­ stitutional plebiscite over e-mail, and the response was over­ whelmingly in favour of joining the movement,” she said. “We are now in the process of purchasing boomboxes and making little cutouts of Premier Jean Charest.

By the way, do you have any idea where we can get 103 mice for cheap?”

Earlier this week, chants of “So-so-so-solidarité” were heard being practiced in the James Administration building.

In addition, Chartwells employees have all been advised to start job-hunting, and nice Italian families have been invited to manage all cafeterias on cam­ pus. “[Director of Bleeding Students’ Parents Dry] Alan Archade and [Then Stealing From Them Some More Manager] Bill Eaupage were furious," said Morty Yoksalovy, vice-principal (my minions make me look like an asshole but I’m really a good guy). “Just furious. They’re con­ sidering quitting McGill and going to work for KAPLAN Test Preparations, because they’re so good at obscenely overcharging desperate students.”

Nosinbor said that the uni­ versity PR machine is creating a schedule of events, including a university-wide strike, a Chartwells-owned cafeteria boy­ cott, and a protest to be held at the Roddick Gates.

“The one thing that worries me is that anti-Semitic misogynist at the gates,” she said. “He might try to appear as though he’s part of the group, and make us look bad.”

Former Sexpot and VicePrincipal (Smooth Talk My Way

s tu d e n ts

as

Out of Max Reed’s Legitimate Concerns) Luc Vinette said that he regretted leaving before the deci­ sion to join the student struggle was made.

“They aren’t doing anything like this at the Université de Montréal,” he said. “However, I am willing to contribute by pay­ ing for a battering ram. Solidarité!”

Student reaction to the announcem ent was largely favourable. Daniel Laedfriender, Students’ Society vice-president (missing-in-action), said that the turn of events was enough to make him come back to work.

“I can’t believe how great this is,” he said. “Without my having done anything, my term will look

th e y

ta k e

to

like the best in history.”

Some students, however, were unimpressed.

“This makes me want to throw a pie in somebody’s face,” said wannabe anarchist Razal Fortkoni. “All this time, we were fighting the establishment on all these issues. How am I supposed to be a shit-disturber now?”

Others said that this is a pub­ lic-relations ploy meant to dupe students into thinking that they aren’t being screwed by the administration. Carl di Nathony, SSMU vice-president (skirt-chas­ ing) said that after the excitement over this announcem ent dies down, McGill is going to get away with far more “fucking with

T h in k in g a b o u t h o w

to

th e

s tre e ts

us” than before.

“It would be nice if the university is being sincere,” J | j the baby-faced SSMUshie said. “But then again, it w ould also be nice if SSMU had a bilingual Web site. If you think either of the above will ever happen, then you’re really stupid.

Nosinbor, however, denied such accusations and said that the university intends to lend its sup­ port to a growing movement.

“You jump on the Red Sox bandwagon and nobody points out you’re a loser,” she said. “You jump on the protest bandwagon and all of a sudden it’s a big deal.”

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Commentary Volume 1 Number 1

Editorial offices The Frondo Centre 4500 Zygood Blvd.

Universe of Crog XOX BOO Business & advertising office: Moon Coordinating editor: LeTania Retch-Elf Coordinating editor #2: Je'Sam Fanserco

News editors: Jerefinn J. Tet Ruala Baas Sail Ravoan

Features ed ito r Thezelbia Gnamalle Petha-An Eel

Culture editors: Nandy Doosch Isel Le Rutter Mind&body editors: DeRawn Glase Hotmi Aarro Photo editors: Asy Yorme Niwoa Kiln

Copy editor: Malu es Moffang Production & design edi­ tors: Ji Ben Damn-Elf Heherat Titky-Amk Rala Hazibek Online editor: Lenye Hus

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

L e tte rs : O o d le s o f h o d g e p o d g e s m o d g e Waning Weekly You filthy depraved despots are getting what you deserve— nothing! I have been fighting this fee for years and I can now say that victory is mine. Finally a paper goes down. Burn in hell, Weeklyites. Mwahahaha...

Rod DeCastro, Former SSMUshi, President, Founder and sole member o f the Bum in Hell, Weekly Alliance A proverb: Paper makes hats When I was a student at McGill, the Weekly was, as my kids say, the “bomb diggity.” In recent years though, I have wit­ nessed its decline, and as the quality of the publication swirled round and round (and eventual­ ly down) the toilet, so to did my respect. But since opening “ P a r u m t h a n a m a k a t a r ’s Crackerjack Costume Co.” off of Decarie, I have found a renewed interest in the Weekly. Not because of its content which is still metaphorical shit, that swirls about the porcelain bowl before entering into the deep, dark, depressive pits of the void, but because of its foldability. When I started my business—10 per cent off to first-time customers—and had little capital, I had to rely on my pillaging skills and found that, traffic pylons make fine wiz­ ard caps and the Weekly makes the best paper hats. Where as

other student publications tear easily, the Weekly withstands multiple refoldings. I can take it from a pirate hat to a sailor headpiece to a to a fedora like detec­ tive bonnet without it bending or buckling. My customers appreci­ ate not only my fine craftsman­ ship but the quality of the prod­ uct. If your paper cuts costs, or even worse, closes shop, I’m going to be out of a job. How do you sleep at night knowing that this possibility exists?

Gord Smith, Owner a n d Proprietor'Parumthanamakatar’ s Crackerjack Costume Co. ” The power of publication The McGill Weekly is an insightful publication that is truly a gem. I value its opinions and thoughtful commentary on social morays. I am disappointed in the results of this referendum. The day McGill loses the Weekly because of a measly fraction of a cent cost incurred to students is a sad one. I hope that some last ditch effort to resuscitate the future of the my favourite paper pulls through. Do know that in your time as the altema-altemative student paper, you have touched many lives and pro­ voked much thought. We will be at a loss without you.

Dan Cohen, Coordinating Editor The McGill Daily p.s. Haha, April fool’s, seri­

AIMS31YSStow

Verbal discourse The McGill Administration and SSMU have both directed me towards you. I am told that you might know something about my missing evil Monkey. When he left the house he was screeching about a referendum and poison­ ing the student body...Anyway if you or your readers see him, or know of his whereabouts, his name is Taco, he’s two feet tall, furry, looks like a monkey. You might find him eating bugs off of students or picking knats out of your staffs hair, Taco loves that, always did. In conclusion, please send me my Monkey. Just don’t tell my landlord, cool?

Bo Brimely, U5 Zoology Rumble in the Monty We told you this is our cam­ pus to brainwash, so pack your sorry ass and get up on outta here or there will be hell to pay.

The McGill Board

J ekyll G a r d e n

Petha-A n Eel cGill’s favourite suitwearing, profit-hun­ gry rat (race) pack, the Faculty of Management, is presently in the process of redesigning its undergradu­ ate studies curriculum.

Spearheaded two years ago by the Management Undergraduate Society, it looks like the redesign will finally be completed by the end of this academic year.

The new Bachelor of Commerce program will be offered to new students as of September 2006.

Essentially, the redesign entails cutting down of core courses undergraduate Bronfmanites are obligated to take. The streamlining of courses aims to eradicate repeat content and material that not all business students need to learn—currently, faculty officials explained, there are two each of core courses in statistics, account­ ing, communications, and

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Advertising & general manager: Ulap Tashlac Owner and oppressor: The SSMU

Weekly Publication Society: Huh? All contents C 2005 Weekly Publications Society. All rights reserved. The Weekly is pub­ lished msostly never. The con­ tent of this newspaper is the responsibility of the Parallel McGil Weekly and do not nec­ essarily represent ther views of Parallel McGill University.

Products or companies adver­ tised in this newspaper are not necessarily endorsed by Weekly staff.

rSf*

Ed

[Ed. Note-.] Are you suggest­ ing a turf war?

[Tribune Note-.] We’re not suggesting it, we’re saying it. Get your chains and hockey sticks ready.

Dismembering an oppressive printer.

Cover design: LeTania Retch-Elf, Ji Ben DamnElf, and Niwoa Kiln

Tribune

[Ed. Note:] You talk the talk, but let’s see you walk the walk, you dirty illegitimate journalists!

[Tribune Note-.] Oh, that’s low. We’d like to see you use that mouth when you’re eating gravel, you wannabe writers with poor grammatical structure!

[Ed. Note-] That’s it, you've gone too far.

[Tribune Note] Then lets get this rumble started!

[Ed. Note] BRING IT ON!!!

Roommate woes Help! My roommate has gone down a dark and danger­ ous path and I don’t know what to do. He started a crystal meth lab in our bathroom and now, not only have all of our spoons been melted, but we have addicts strewn about the apart­ ment in a disorganized fashion, and I am required to provide two days notice if I want to take a shower. I’m really happy that he’s found his niche and that his venture is so successful, howev­ er, I think he’s being really inconsiderate. Also, I’m starting to smell quite ripe. I feel sort of uncomfortable bringing the sub­ ject up. I’m just a subletter and I don’t know whether or not it is my place to complain. I need your advice.

“My roommate is selling drugs to school kids”

M a n a g e m e n t c o u rs e d e s ig n = e n d o f w o r ld

Contributors: Reffie Joberts,Hany Dorovitz.Bave Darber, Slisha Eiegel, Len Bemieux, Mik Z'Dousa, Avin Kefshari, Ada Poon, Rhoda Wang, Your Mother, Chester Stickwell

Printed By The Little Paper People Encompassed In The Gravitational Pull Of Henri's Armpit.

ously, you guys suck! p.p.s. Curiosity does not deliver.

management science when one in each field would suf­ fice. The MUS seems mighty proud of its initiative, even going as far as to aver that the new core course struc­ ture will give Management undergrads a solid knowl­ edge base for working in the world of commerce while freeing their schedules so that they can pursue studies in other diverse areas of interest.

Sounds good in theory, right? Well, don’t let those Management types pull their Rolodexes over your eyes!

Business types never want other business types to study less business, not that it’s any of their business; rather, business types always want future business types to study more business.

It’s those crazy wacko conspiracy theorists at the Weekly again, you say?

Hardly. Here at the Weekly, we always have many a ven­ erated logician and intellec­ tually excellent academic to back up our claims.

Furthermore, we are so men­ tally gifted that we know many big words to elucidate how we feel.

Based on Clayton Alderfer’s ERG Theory of Motivation, this redesign, and analogous gambit to rob students of courseload mis­ cellany under the semblance

of encouraging it, does not fulfill Management students’ needs for relatedness to those in society not studying in the same discipline as themselves, nor for intellec­ tual growth in the areas unrelated to Management, of which there are many.

Cognitive dissonance may then arise, which will then impel these McGill BCom graduates to pursue action to resolve this disso­ nance; yet their edification which they received from their alma mater will render them derisory in discovering a solution.

If the BCom redesign at McGill goes through, it could be the inauguration of the end. With increased admis­ sions rates lately, and Arts students realizing that their degrees are worthless, these Management scoundrels will be able to exploit the SapirWhorf Hypothesis to their advantage and turn us all into bottom-line infatuated businessbots. More business students learning more about business will debilitate prosocial behaviour, mean­ ing that we are all doomed.

Doomed, I say!

Thus, we must take action against the redesign of the BCom program. Join me, my comrades, in defeat­ ing this movement.

Solidarité.

Commentary "J

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

E d ito ria l: The Tribune m ust rem ain acquiescent T h e W e e k ly in s u p p o r t o f

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S S M U 's b a tte r y a n d p s y c h o lo g i­ c a l w a r fa r e ince becoming SSMU’s bitch in 1981, the McGill Tribune has been McGill university’s only English-language submissive, utterly subjugated, and regularly abused student newspaper.

As a financially and emotionally dependent paper funded in no way by its authoritative oppressors at SSMU, the Tribune has consistently been unable to cover student politics and administrative issues all the while being beholden to its evil assaulters in the Brown Building.

Earlier this semester, The Tribune learned that two AUS geeks, past and current, were organizing a referendum that would further imperil their financial—and mental—stability.

Eric van Eyken and Jacob Itzkowitz wanted to ask students to give SSMU a mandate to encourage an opt-out of the Tribune's fee, as well as endorse the continued incarcera­ tion, belittling, and general abuse of its more outspoken staff members, who have been kept captive in Shatner’s under­ ground parking since Reading Week. The referendum ques­ tion proposed by the AUS mob asks SSMU—a political body—to overstep its office by organizing a coup to take over the newspaper’s operations and found a self-serving newsletter called The SSMU Sentinel in its place.

The SSMU—an oppressive oligarchy that manhandles the Tribune on a daily basis—already has its own mecha­ nism to propagate misinformation, and leave the editors it supposedly serves famine-stricken. Two days ago, the SSMU oligarchy voted unanimously to lower the already measly subsidy they provide the Tribune from $160 per year to $3.60. Needless to say, van Eyken and Itzkowitz were thrilled. This decreased fee guarantees that the underfed staff of planet earth’s most viable sources of funny hat and paper plane material will lose all will to live.

Beyond asking SSMU to continue to compromise the dignity of this paper’s editors, the question AUS geeks pro­ pose is misleading: there is more than money at stake.

Students are not just not paying for a paper they may or may not use regularly to make hinny hats and paper planes.

They are not paying for the cruel and unusual punishing of a fully enslaved newspaper organization that misinforms every McGill student. The mandatory fee means that disgrun­ tled student executives offended by the Tribune's coverage can beat them mercilessly until they agree to turn their accu­ rate and impeccably written news reports into promotional propaganda, which allows SSMU to deceive the student body more one-sidedly and thoroughly.

The Weekly has always said that fees that are unneces­ sary or extremely high, and support the brainwashing of innocent, stupid students, should never be subject to an optout. We at the Weekly feel the annual one hundredth of a cent undergraduates pay for 26 issues of lies, 372 pages worth of art supplies, and the regular battery of an unruly editorial board is a good deal. If students disagree, they should take their complaints about the Tribune to its Board of Directors first (taha, joke’s on them—the Trib doesn’t have one!) and to government second (taha, joke’s on them—SSMU doesn’t care!).

What we have done, for our part, is to propose to Elections McGill that an alternate question be put before McGill students. We want to ask undergraduates to affirm the Tribunes acquiescence and ensure sustained political and emotional interference by SSMU. We strongly believe that student leaders have the right to beat their classmates. But they deserve the funds to seri­ ously take on this battery, not resort to a hastily organized make-shift beating operation that leaves only surface wounds and does not properly quell freedom of speech.

For a copy o f the Tribune’s constitution, please visit... whoops, nevermind, their constitution isn’t done yet:

S

D r iv e l <x P h i l a n d e r Welcome, earthlings! C onstantlna Q. D rivel a n d G arrott P hilander, the Weeklys villainous tattle-taling, tittle-tattling twosome is proud to usher in its first ever 100 per cent, all Earth-McGill edition of gossipy good­ ness with extra pulp for extra teeth-rotting flavah. We are positively brimming with precise and accurate data on the hoohas and ballyhoos of all those unmemorable, lowly student journalists you could not possibly care less about. Drivelightful!...To kick things off swiftly, Jerem y “W rite on!” M orris was seen out fondling a ra n d o m collection o f syllables in broad daylight until it slapped him across the face and left him whimpering by his lonesome on a crummy park bench. The crying sham e! Our sources tell u s the dejected, unabashedly wretched playwright is currently working on a McGill Drama Festival tragedy in six-acts in which he bitterly addresses his failed fling with his own eloquence.

Looks like it’s off to the theatre for Drivel, ov errip e tom atoes in tow !... Carrying on the columnist curfuffle is Jeffïe “I got published in th e GazetteV’ Roberts, the ill-famed Law-senator-tumed-editor-turned-7'rihcolumnist-tumed-sell-out who, ex hypothesi, was dragged out of the Scarlet Key Awards dinner for spout­ ing tasteless S hakespearean so n n ets and spitting up half-masticated mouthfuls of his B oustan sandwich.

When security realized that the surly young writer oust­ ed from the re fin ed revelries was not some random St. Catherine drunkard but a proud, swaggering award recipient, they scampered outside, o n ly to find him arguing intently against on-campus Muslim prayer space with a rather disgruntled looking squirrel ...

Speaking of praying for the m ercy o f sm all m am ­ mals, by somè fortuitous concourse of atoms, Kim “Q uotations taste like candy” D’Souza was seen hightailing out of town to escape the wrath of a h o a rd o f ferocious radical fem inists incensed by his latest rant on the evils of abortion, while Elisha “G row u p already” Siegel finally got what his sexist little ass deserved after months of boorish rhetoric: two years in the slammer for verbally molesting dove-like CEGEP girls, and one solid clogging of his “other” knee by sportistic man Jam esle “I w ish I w ere D ick C heney” Scarfone, angered to see his pédophilie th u n d e r stolen by such a n underachieving amateur ... Apropos, outgoing Head and Cheese Nat “I’m G reentastic!”

F letcher is rumoured to have turned a bright shade of fuschia after getting tenderly hugged one random win­ ter evening by Daily dictator D aniel “W anna m ud w restle?” C ohen at an unnamed bar where they both frolick on occasion when overcome with the urge to drown th e ir editorial sorrows in pints of quality Q uébécois brew -ha-ha. This display reportedly sent Daily design dame Kat “Boys a re scared o f m e!”

Neville into fits of untamable jealously as the two lass­ es had apparently been going steady since the summer w h e n sh e shaved h e r h ead after a sweaty game of contact soccer and became a lesbian by default.

Luckily, fellow Dailyite and photographer extraordi­ naire J e n n a “I have cute p ro m dresses!” W akani tri­ umphantly consoled her with a flesh-tingling trip to Montreal’s best sw ingers’ club, where she jumpstarted her own Juicy career as a paparrazo, and was soon picked up by an unknown p sy ch o /lo ser/a ssh o le PGSS executive looking to turn the Daily into a men’s health magazine. Oh, the ab-solute horror! ... Even so, said campus tabloid will surely remember its m o m en ts o f titillating, o u t o f this-w orld glory , like when it astutely predicted the stomach-churning betrothal of exNewsie James Grohsgal and ex-M anaging Editrix K atherine “G oogalicious” Fugler, who has since fled to the hills so as to prevent her soon-expected q u in ­ tu p lets from “spreading bad journalism like the S p an ish m easles” ... Really though, what’s with Tribbies continuing to m ortify them selves beyond salvation even post-graduation!? We hear B rody “Bitchy b u t n ev e r b o rin g ” B row n has been indulging in hour-long liplocking sessions with die lusciously scru m p tio u s Ryan of O.C. fame in sunny, slutty California, while partnerette-in-crime Yas “Pensive sh o ts rule!” E m ory has forfeited years of her to n g u e’s life by signing a decade-long contract to be the official taste-tester of Fun Dip Inc. Sigh At least these campus press junkies do not back out of exhilirating spelling bee challenges with their sworn rivals on account of im aginary “ed board meetings.” Now that’s just plain em b arrassin g ... Yes, indeedy, the Tribune is just a grab bag o f sh am e a n d d ro ll indignity this week!

Youf esteemed gossipmongers have unassailable reason to believe soon-to-be ex-newsie lis a “C onservatives a re n ’t so b ad ” V arano is retiring from student press to devote herself wholeheartedly to her new hip and hap­ penin’ TV McGill talk show. No one expected this sac­ charine sweetheart to be the sleep-her-w ay-to-the-top type. It’s always the quiet ones, cries Drivel! Philander concurs, licking h is c h o p s salaciously... Also lip­ smacking worthy is the latest scoop on Miz J e n n “C hinese h o m ew o rk stinks!” Jett, who has been shortlisted for the most prestigious, sp len d ifero u s prize of them all: the world record for most S uper Sandw iches consumed over the course o f eight short months! Her photo has been posterized, laminated, framed, licked, and the like, and is now the official logo of the store’s d ain ty n ew chain. Well, h u n k y dory, we say! ... Last, but still a feast for w o rm s at least: looks like Trib copycat Sam m y “M isplaced m odifiers a re th e Devil!” G offm an just took a suicidal leap off of Leacock after spotting that last syntactical error (Eeeps!) that just pushed his stickling, scrupulous little mind over the edge o f reason. May his gramatically blessed soul rest in style... the Globe a n d Mails, if at all possible...Well that concludes our v ain attem p t at mimicry. Join us never again for this foray into the seeth in g m ass o f suspicious a n d laughable co n d u ct that is the business of others. Ta ta!

D a a a a a n se m o n E sm eralda ! C h a a a n te m o n E sm e ra ld a !

Slisha Eiegel smerelda calls me at four in the morning Sunday, Of course I answer.

I never refuse Esmerelda. It’s a miracle we’ve never fucked.

I pick up the phone and man­ age to say hi. Esmerelda’s has a lot of energy for four in the morning.

But she’s so quirky, it doesn’t sur­ prise me.

“Are you into the group thing?” she says.

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“I don’t know,” I say. I’m intrigued by how quirky Esmerelda is. She really is quirky.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Esmeralda has been drink­ ing. I can hear it in the way she slurs her W’s.

“I mean, I don’t know. What do you mean, ‘the group thing?”’

Esmerelda takes a deep breath and then explains to me what she means by “the group thing.”

I am not shocked by her blunt explanation of orgiatic sex because I am just as quirky as Esmerelda. We really are a quirky pair, the two of us are.

“I’m not really sure,” I say. Then I take a minute and imagine my penis between Esmerelda’s lips while another girl plays with my balls. “Okay Esmerelda, I’ll bite.

Yeah, I’m into the group thing.”

“What if the group thing means

two guys and a girl?” Esmerelda is laughing on the other end. She’s really getting a kick out of out-quirk­ ing me at four in the morning. It’s a wonder we’ve never slept together.

You’d think the latent sexual tension between us and our common quirk­ iness would be reason enough for us to get it on.

“Um... I guess. I don’t really know,” I say, even though I know the real answer is yes.

“That’s what I thought,” Esmerelda says. “I’m going to go take a shit and then go to sleep. I’m sleepy and I have to make a bowel movement.”

“You really are quirky,” I say.

Then I jerk off thinking about Esmerelda and our friend Larry.

Geez, Esmerelda sure pushes me to be even more quirky than I already am. I’m sure lucky to have a friend like her.

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Feature

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

left-handed people are better than you R effie J oberts Features W

riter

eft-handed people have m ade their stand -on world history in ways which w e can only begin to imagine. Left-handed people have been architects, Visigoths, editors, firemen, po m stars, deranged prophets, Masons, garbage collectors, Prime Ministers, doctors, account­ ants, vagrants, swindlers, and celebrities. They have also b een aristo­ crats, bourgeois suburban reactionaries and, for a time, the great unwashed.

A growing aw areness of their contribution to world history has pro­ duced a flourishing cottage industry in pamphlets, coffee table books, and commemorative videos. A growing sub-culture of hideous pottery and crafts which one might only buy while drunk on vacation has also em erged as a celebration of the goals and aspirations of left-handed people. In today’s mass culture, left-handed people w ere immortalized in a Simpson’s episode in which Flanders open a “Leftorium” store to peddle a variety of everyday goods traditionally designed for the righthanded. Tension in the story is rooted in H om er’s overcoming his vin­ dictiveness at Flanders. Specifically, Hom er directs all his left-handed friends and colleagues to shop at the Leftorium, thereby saving the hap­ less Flanders from bankruptcy.

In an attem pt to keep this page of drivel moving forward, the author googled “left-handed people” on the Internet and, sure enough, there’s not just one, but hundreds of website and blogs (!) on which people detail their daily travails at being left-handed. Go have a ball at sights like lefthand.com and The Left H anded Liberation Society.

There’s even long diatribes about right-handed (not right-wing) conspir­ acies. Who the hell contributes to such discussions? I bet they all turn out to be serial killers. One guy hosting the site has an “About Me” sec­ tion w here he becom es yet m ore self-absorbed and offers painstaking details about his childhood and the sort of food he likes to eat.

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Worse yet, one of the most thorough sites of the batch appears to be hosted by the University of Indiana— why is that school giving up good band-width for such garbage? At least the Indiana site has a fasci­ nating list of celebrity left-handers w ho include Lewis Carroll, Jay Leno, and Led Zeppelin’s Robert Plant. It also includes a list of famous lefthanded badm inton players (no, seriously).

Perhaps it’s no coincidence, com rades (as they used to say in Moscow) that, as all these stupid sites about left-handed people spring up, the A m erican Oxford Dictionary officially rem oved the term “infor­ mation superhighway" from its lexicon. Who knew dictionaries also had committees to remove words as well as to add them? (This too, is true).

The left-handed online community, alas, has recently appeared to be beset by schisms. Hardliners have argued that the am bidextrous com­ munity might be flat-out lying about their tw o-handed abilities, and that in truth they are “closeted” left-handers w ho have becom e Uncle Tom’s in a right-handed world. O ther hardliners have accepted the claims of the am bidextrous as valid, but have argued that ‘am bos’ should never­ theless be excluded from the left-handed community. The more toler­ ant am ong the left-handed associations have argued that the “am bos” should be included and self-described “integrationists” have argued that even right-handed people should be em braced so as to prevent left­ handers from being ghettoized. Finally, American chapters of left-hand­ ed people have designated a day for themselves. It is August 13.

Seriously.

Much like everyone else with a pulse, left-handed people have thoughts about the future. They await change, schisms, and counter-rev­ olutions, and they are happy to m ake breathy and overwrought state­ ments as to w here humanity is going.

In the short term, left-handed people the w orld over have com m on aspirations to reproduce and buys SUVs. Likewise, they dream of the day w hen they can erect phallis-like m onum ents to themselves and their hands.

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

Feature 0

it’s r a i n i n g h a n d s aine’s life has been different from most.

Her journey has allowed her to see the world with a perspective that most McGill students cannot imagine. It has brought struggle, but also a multitude of riches that she is happy

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oppressive conventions of structure, punctua­ tion, and coherence. She realized that true skill and freedom of expression came from lots of fucking profanity, earnest use of italics— lots of dashes—for emphasis— and the use of capital letters to MAGNIFY THE FORCE OF HER GOD­ DAMN IDEAS. W hen she wrote poetry and cre­ ative essays she recognized that true talent is signified by liberally strew­ ing disjointed w ords all over the page in a true burst of stylistic ORIGINALITY.

« « * *. »

PHOTOS BYBLONDE HOTTIE

to describe to all visitors. This is her story of being left-handed. Glancing at her hand for the first time, one is struck by its many intricacies.

Skin that is taut, yet supple, embraces five fin­ gers and a thumb. Raine’s hand seems both ele­ gant and powerful, and is capable of delivering both a tender caress and a firm, prehensile grasp. It is hard not to draw in one’s breath and feel an overwhelming sense of reverie upon realizing that is the hand that Raine uses most every single day. Her left hand.

Being left-handed makes Raine different than most of the world, and supplies her with a depth of feeling that is infinitely deeper than anything of which w e might be capable. She splays her hands elegantly above her head, beckoning us to see the fertile plains of her imagination, and then waves it majestically, drawing us into a piece of her history.

Growing up, scissors w ere often a problem.

W hen she grasped them as a little girl to cut shapes—triangles, squares, stars!—in construc­ tion paper, she never felt quite like the others around her. As she grew older, she daily faced new challenges as she encountered can open ­ ers, w renches and baseball mitts from America.

But each fresh obstacle she encountered only firmed her resolve to find meaning in her world and draw strength from her left hand. High school. A new world of changing faces and a changing body. Her left hand was now fully form ed and capable of touching new things like cigarettes, boys, and herself. Sometimes she w ould touch them all at the same time. Raine felt a growing pride in the fact that she was lefthanded. Raine’s life changed forever w hen she m et Sean, a handsom e older m an w ho was also left-handed. From him she learned the rich his­ tory of people like herself, and discovered a source of solidarity and inspiration. She learned, for instance, that contem porary left-handed cul­ ture was entirely a product of post-colonial, neoZionist, trans-hierarchical, quasi-structural con­ structions that had initially been im posed by Latvians and perpetuated by false-consciousness and McDonalds. Raine came to realize that all w orld oppression w as entirely seated in America.

By fixating on a handful of obscure academ ­ ics and courageously renouncing all authors w ho w ere not left-handed, Raine was able to advance the process of her self-actualization and holistic awareness. In the course of this educa­ tion, she began to write extended and m elodra­ matic journal entries, fiction, and articles about being left-handed. The writing was a tour-de­ force and a trium ph of the hum an spirit, as well as being so laugh-out-funny that no-one could put it down.

Being left-handed, Raine recognized that she had earned the right to break free of all authoritarian writing styles to be liberated from

Compendium --------------------The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

The Pedigree Bitches

W in n in g th e r a t ra c e O n e

o f C h a r e s t 's f o u r - 1 e g g e d

o p p re s s o rs

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W o o f.

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a ll

As told to us by Lord Baldrick, one o f 103 rats released in PremierJean Charest’s office in Sherbrooke, Quebec, on Wednesday, February

B a rk ! B a rk ! \

22005. ord Baldrick is a glorified gutter rat who splits his time between the fine cesspools of Old Port and the back alley behind Toque, dubbed Montreal’s best establishment for first-rate gastronomic cuisine. “There’s just something about the scent of decaying fine cuisine: gorgonzola rotting in a pool of foie gras and shitaake confit—you can’t beat it,” he confesses. “I’m no left-over-shish taouk-poutine-99-cent pizza sewer rat, you know. It’s Normand Laprise or nothing.”

The Weekly caught up with the distin­ guished rodent on his trek back from the mud puddles at the bottom of McGill’s lower field, where he routinely soaks his overworked body to assuage the taxing effects the city’s long winters have on his fur.

Weekly. Tell us about your February 2 experiences, esteemed vermin.

Baldrick: Twas a lazy, Wednesday after­ noon. I was pondering a trip up to Duluth’s Apportez-votre-vin strip when I noticed a bout of tomfoolery near the Station Centrale. Lo and behold, some vulgar looking young persons w ho called themselves “Fuck’s representa­ tives”—can you imagine?—were piling crates of my great grand children into a bus heading for Sherbrooke. Surely these were the poor excuses for university scholars w ho adorn the city’s campus nowadays, I thought to myself. I couldn’t let those hooligans have their way with my young kin, so I told myself I had to interfere.

W eekly What did you do once you got to the Premier’s office?

B aldrick: Well I nearly lost my lunch.

Horrid taste in carpets that man has. Just terri­ ble.

Weekly. Okay, but what did you do?

B aldrick: Well, I made sure I was wellinformed about the goings-on before I made my grand entrance. One of my nearest and dearest, young Oliver—well, he enlightened me on the whole situation, the blessed thing.

He was the love child of a lovely affair I had with a rogue albino from Westmount, but I digress. He told me the students were painting a m etaphor—you know, that they felt like lab rats upon which the government was conduct­ ing terrible experiments, and so, by having the rat population represent their concerns, they were fighting against this particular form of illtreatment. Quite fixated with their figures of speech this new generation is, I must say.

They felt their “collective intellect” was being undermined. Priceless, isn’t it? Anyhow, as soon as w e embarked on our journey towards anarchy, the secretaries indulged in eight con­ secutive minutes of high-pitched squealing until they were escorted out of the building and the exterminators were called in. I had the worst of headaches as a result. It pains me just thinking about it.

Weekly. Then what?

B aldrick: Needless to say, things turned ugly w hen the exterminators arrived. The little ones w ere positively besides themselves.

Luckily, I have a fund of experience working with the secret forces so I was able to lead them to safety and treat for post-traumatic

G rr.

L

Rat-tat-tat-tat, where my rat's at? Lord Baldrick the Rat kicks back and takes her easy after a day of gallivanting in Premier Charest's headquarters. stress. The exterm inators w ere absolute cretins, they were—swinging their vile hoses this way and that, missing every last one of us.

I can’t speak for the other crates, but my prog­ eny survived to tell the tale.

Weekly. That was certainly a great relief.

Now, you must have gotten lots of publicity as a result of your contributions to the student movement. Have any other campus media requested an interview with you, O furry one?

B aldrick: Yes, one young lady from that Fuck group tried to com er me while I was having a sleep on that very day, but I was knackered, you see, and I don’t believe in sup­ porting such utter impropriety. Otherwise, well... really though, what can I say about publicity, save that I am quite used to it. It’s the price of graciousness, I always say.

Though I’ll admit this is the first time I’ve granted an interplanetary publication an hour in my revered presence.

Weekly. And for that we are greatly appreciative. Now, do you have any thoughts on Québécois students striking to protest the provincial government’s conversion of $103 million bursary dollars into student loan money?

B aldrick: Humbug! It’s all nonsense, real­ ly. I mean, striking is as old as the plague, and it likewise amounts to little besides unneces­ sary trouble. It’s like the Chinese proverb says, “A rat who gnaws at a cat’s tail invites destruc­ tion.” They should know better, I truly do think, but then, they’re still wet behind the ears those college-aged flower people, aren’t they?

W eekly. Yes, you’re probably right.

Finally, what did you leam from this experi­ ence?

B aldrick: Well, the tail end of any journey is always chock-a-block with lessons, isn’t it?

Firstly, I now know better than to poke my whiskers in other people’s political business. I suppose I am also more sympathetic to the students’ plight. My exposure to their debauchery thus far had certainly tainted the image I had sought to preserve of my heyday at Oxford. But one can’t deny they are spirit­ ed, these young adults. And, of course, I quite enjoy the use of rats in positive allegories, for a change, even though I in no way see how the unloading of 103 of my comrades will bet­ ter their situation any. Oh well, to each their own rat race.

Weekly. Nicely said. Thank you for your time, Lord Baldrick.

Baldrick: Oh, don’t mention it.

W o o f?

G rr.

/

Top 20 reasons why the is a waste of paper

T r ib u n e

(O r w h y s tu d e n t p o litic ia n s th in k th e S S M U S e n tin e l h a s m o r e p o t e n t i a l in its little fin g e r th a n th is o v e r c o m p e n s a te d ra g ) 20. It recently lost a very, very, very im portant publication aw ard to a previously defunct leaflet. (Hell, at least it was nom inated.)

19. The only angle its Angles columnists take is how to piss off their editors with acrimonious language.

18. W hen not playing The Simpsons, TV McGill’s new s crawler is its main source of information.

17. It goes forward not backward, upw ard not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

16. A sports section?

15- The only letters to the editor it receives are from disgruntled Christian alumni and undergrads w ho obviously missed the point.

14. It is com pletely libellous, sexist, racist, hom ophobic, or solely p ro ­ motional in nature.

13- It has twice as many girls on the board than guys. This is a m a n ’s world, ain’t it?

12. What quality of paper can it possibly print on w hen getting one hundredth of a cent per sem ester from every student?

11. Since it started reporting on other faculties besides Arts, it’s really gone downhill.

10. It’s overrun by people from Toronto. It’s bad enough they go to McGill.

9. It actually tells students what kinds of 40s are the best. Like they don’t know.

8. Its editors w ar over the merits of exclamation points. (!)

7. Its um pteen references to The O.C. and Uggs are purely ironic.

6. Because the Daily says so.

5. Not one single nude photo spread of the girl’s soccer team.

4. The gal editors are m ad skanks w ho lust after several m em bers of the ed board, and a handful of columnists—both sexes. Not business as usual w e’re talking here.

3. Elisha Siegel’s self-deprecating ways are a disgrace to the Jewish faith.

2. Did anyone else know its slogan w as “Curiosity delivers”?

1. Its office moonlights as a burlesque house with clients such as those anarchists at Roddick Gates.

Culture______________ ABC announces new primetime series ■ ■ ■ ■■

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

D e s p e r a te N andy Do o sch

The M cG ill W

eekly

ith marital (in)fidelity discussions raging stronger than ever these days, it seems only appro­ priate that m en’s libbers would throw some weight around at the networks. Figures, only Big Business, hungry for these m en’s consumer dollars, would lend an ear to the pathetic whinings that hope to undermine the w om en’s movement. Accusing ABC exec­ utives of misandry for promoting a series about attractive married wom en being unfaithful to their doting husbands, activists for Private but Unafraid Sexually Starved Yesmen (PUSSY) have been coercing the cable giant.

Beginning this September, Desperate House-Husbands will air coast-to-coast on ABC. • “We cannot tell you how proud we are to finally be repre­ sented as a social group,” said PUSSY President Jake Lessman, a father of three. “I have been a house-husband for 10 years. I work myself to the bone around the house all day, and never get any recognition.”

“When I sit down after a

W

H o u s e - H u s b a n d s long day, I want to watch a tele­ vision show that speaks directly to me,” chimed in Howard Hugger, PUSSY’s Vice-President Public Relations.

Viewers of Desperate HouseHusbands are sure to see a famil­ iar face or two. ABC, in an effort to drum up viewership for the new show, splurged on quality names to play an array of male leads.

Tom Cruise steals the show as the sassy, sophisticated and active older man w ho’s stolen the heart of a younger woman.

Steve Buscemi plays the most desperate house-husband of all—though he lacks the goods, he wins the hearts of ladies everywhere with his charm.

Antonio Banderas stars opposite his real-life wife, Melanie Griffith, as the sexy Hispanic neighbour. (But of course, the big netw ork m ust have the token minority representative in there, go figure.) Finally, Tobey Maguire will bring his boyish, good looks to the fore as the lovable young Tommy, w ho’s married to an older woman.

Steamy sexually psychological drama betw een the older wom an and the young, lost puppy-boy a la The Graduate? We

hope so!

Several of the actors hired plastic surgeons to augm ent their already impressive bodily features. Maguire got six Botox injections and a minor facelift, claiming “my cheekbones were getting awfully wrinkly and my face was starting to sink in ....”

Yeah, Tobey, maybe you

to

riv a lto p - r a te d

should’ve thought of that before doing so many drugs... blow really does blow, eh? Banderas and Cruise, each trying to outdo the other, got pectoral implants.

Even Buscemi got in on the action, as he joined the Hair Club for Men and had three facial scars sanded down.

This new series truly stands

as a major victory for house-hus­ bands and, really, all men every­ where. “Our cause is finally being given the credit and pub­ licity it most sincerely deserves,” gushed PUSSY spokesm an Ronald Jeremy. “This just proves that when men band together, nobody can stop us from taking control of our lives.”

W h a t 's u p , d o c ( u m e n t a r y ) ?

T h re e

r iv e tin g

H a n y D o r o v it z

The M cG ill W eekly F e e d in g th e H a n d th a t B ite s You

What’s the deal with good people doing bad things? Why did Hugh Grant picked up all those hookers, why did Charlie Manson killed all those people, why SSMU VP Cutie Mark Sward does nothing but steal office sup­ plies and whip our editors? The answer is, of course, publicity.

Big malevolent corporations, like people, work very much in the same way. When a giant, multi­ national conglomerate goes into a tiny Third World country and plunders it like they’re Viking victims, they do it as a desperate cry for attention, much like Jesus.

At least, that’s what the makers of Feeding that Hand that Bites You would have you believe.

These businesses have it too easy because not enough of us care about World Number Three.

Well, my brethren, it’s time for that to change. Watch this docu­

r e a l- life

s to r ie s

mentary and you will be shaken harder than if we wedge you between JLo’s overly ripe butt cheeks and squeeeeeeze. Feeding documents international corpo­ rate terrorists such as criminal Coca-Cola, the wicked Wal-Mart, and, of course, that guy w ho’s been on the couch for three weeks, paying off their supposed rivals such as the upright and vir­ tuous Greenpeace and, more locally, the Concordia Students’ Union so that they can defend themselves against allegations of misconduct later while raping the world of the fuzz. Even “Saint” Michael Moore is shown having close ties to the ultimate enemy of mankind, US President Bush. Did you know that Bush’s cousin was Moore’s cameraman for Roger and Me? And now, as an audience, w e’re expected to believe that Fahrenheit 9 / 1 1 wasn’t concocted as a secret ploy to win the White House back for Bush? Shame on you, Mr. Moore!

Shame! And what’s this coming out of my ears? Shit?

s u re

to

r o c k

M a r t h a S te w a rt: U n t it le d

This is a dapper documen­ tary that was just released on the Internet a few short hours ago, and we at the Weekly are here to inform you first. Because we are up-to-date on all things under­ ground and alternative—I mean, OMG, haven’t you noticed that we all shop at Urban Outfitters and wipe our asses with the Tribune9. J/k j/k.

It seems that Martha Stewart was very busy during her days in lock-down—or rather she was “bus-ay”—and this video cap­ tures it all. Sure, most of the movie is filmed in green spycamera night vision, but what’s there and visible is gold.

For example, most people would assume that the home­ making diva Stewart is always in control, but just wait until she gets her freak on. In Untitled the viewer is treated to a side of Stewart the public has never seen. Stewart lets it all hang out on this one, including her brain,

y o u r

w

o r ld

pulling hair, screaming cooking instructions, and entertaining cellmates with a clam-bake. Who knew life in prison could be so hot hot hot? Who????????!

The soundtrack to the doc is top notch: one of the best all year, maybe the best of all time!

The moment Big Lita screamed out, “More, honey, don’t stop, yeah,” I knew who this year’s Best Spoken Word Grammy recipient was going to be.

Untitled is a rollercoaster ride from start to finish with the nails not knocked in, man. If you only see one documentary this year, oh yeah.

The F a sh io n o f th e C h ris t

Although it’s hard to predict which movies are going to be coma hits, there is one littleknown independent film from a second-time Australian (love that accent) director that will undoubtedly make some big kaplooshes in the weeks after The Day of the Egg. Fashion is a tri­ um ph of documentary filmmak­

ing, that puts the divinity of Christ aside to discuss the top religion of the day: fashion. From Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon’s long locks and beard to the diamond crosses of today’s rappers, everybody is rocking Jesus style. That’s right, Jesus really is our homeboy.

The documentary takes a delightful turn as it explores the latest motto of the Paris, Milan, and New York runways: WWJW? (What Would Jesus Wear?) From Paris Hilton to David Beckham, Jesus is the hot look for 2005.

Leather sandals, white flowing tunics, and open sores are what the beautiful people are wearing; not to mention this year’s top accessory, a diamond encrusted crown of thorns by Louis Vuitton.

The influence and mark that Jesus H. Christ has left on the fashion world will make even the biggest skeptic a believer in the power of fashion.

Check local listings for showtimes.

12

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

Culture Mother Earth has got two feet I lick to lick dirt, lick it up hardcore It tastes like death, it tastes like you There is lots of chaos everywhere Painting the colours of this universal canvas Crimson snow and acid rain People picket, and buy capitalist hot-dogs I knew a Pekinese who

World, it stods:

A POEM

sat next to a radiator She fell into a dank abyss of warmth It smelled like mold and onions Communists drink cham­ pagne and eat cardboard Pablo, the street vendor sold me a bud And then I bit his grand­ ma “Hush,” goes the crowd “Pop,” goes the weasel The papier mâché cloud sings again

The "Wacko Jacko" debate T h e

W e e k ly

p u ts

R ulia J a p o n i

H e 'll be forever b lo w in g bubbles... in ja il A

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THIS (IF

W

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Y O U ’ RE

S U M M E R STAYING

IN

MONTREAL)

The SSMU is seeking students from April 3 0 th until June 3 0 th to sell advertising space for the student handbook and other publications. These positions are proven money-makers for talented, dynamic, articulate individuals who can close sales.

P r o t e c t e d T e r r ito r ie s • O nly s e r io u s c a n d i d a t e s n e e d a p p l y

THESE ARE N O T TELEMARKETING POSITIONS To g et th e low dow n, co n tact

P A U L

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3 9 8 - 6 8 0 6

ith all the recent mass m edia attention—

d o n ’t worry, here at the Weekly, w e are still covering all things underground, as in below ground, as in w hat oth­ ers are not covering... uhh, yeah— follow ing the latest installment of Michael Jackson’s never-ending court troubles, a few new aspects of the case have com e to light. The descriptions of his Neverland Ranch— complete with its own zoo— along with his preference for having sleepovers rather than simple day-visits, goes a long w ay in explaining his w hole “I w anna be Peter Pan” shtick. At the risk of pointing out the obvious, Jackson never grew up. At a recent court hear­ ing, Jackson said, “I’m just a lit­ tle boy w h o ’s never know n love. Is that really my fault, or is it the fault of the rest of society?

You decide.”

So what does this have to

Be a CASA Ambassador

Len B emieux

C ulture W riter A in 't his fault!

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C A S A is a student federal lobby group that the SSMU has been a member of for the past 10 years. C A S A lobbies the federal government on education related issues.

C A S A and the SSMU are looking for interested and motivated students to work with the SSMU VP External on C A S A campaigns and initiatives for next year.

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M ic h a e l-r e la te d

C ulture W riter

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ou can toss around all the legal rhetoric you like, but deep dow n we all know that the judge should have dismissed Jackson’s child m olestation trial from the onset.

In case you w ere not aware, African-Americans m ake up 50 per cent of the US prison population. This m eans either they are a segm ent of American society m ore likely to com ­ mit— and b e prosecuted for— criminal acts, or juries around the country are resorting to the age-old coin toss to relieve pressure on the overburdened court system. Assuming the for­ mer, Jackson’s innocence is as clear as his skin tone. Think of it this way: since the accusa­ tions against him—which start­ ed over a decade ago— have been pouring in, his visage has clearly beco m e w hiter and whiter with each new photo op, thus reducing the statistical likelihood of'his guilt. As much as w e hate to admit it at the Weekly—o p p ressed and sup-

Y

do w ith his alleged guilt?

Plenty. O ne look at typical kid tendencies and it’s easy to find several incriminating similari­ ties: they hoard their toys, they lie, they frequently put things in their m ouths that they should­ n ’t, and, above all, they’d rather act their shoe size than display even the slightest hint of matu­ rity. (Sounds slightly like Rob Salerno, too, no?) That little tap dance on top of an SUV in front of the court? Cute... for an eight-year-old.

The fact that Jackson is, for all intents and purposes, a child may lead som e to believe that he can’t be held accountable for his actions. For an actual child, this may hold true, but w hat child is responsible for getting that bloody Free Willy song stuck in everyone’s head?

And since it’s a well-known fact that all babies and young chil­ dren are cute, and Jackson’s m ug is en o u g h to kill the French Foreign Legion, simply upon sight, he does not qualify.

For th o se tw o offences alone, Wacko Jacko must, and will, be brought to justice.

p ressed m inorities are our friends— it’s a reality; w hite people are innocent. Cases in point: Robert Blake and Ken Lay. And then if you take a look at colo u red p eo p le— Naeem Datoo and Alam Alii w ho both abandoned ship— you will see the light.

Let’s also not forget that “W acko Jac k o ” has b een accused of the same old, same old consistently throughout the past 10 years, and has w arded off half a dozen court cases w ith o u t o nce serving time.

There has never been sufficient evidence to convict him, yet everyone with lame, pitifullooking children see the guy as an easy target because he used to b e black and he looks like F rankenstein’s bastard child.

Fucking gold-diggers.

Even if he did m olest all those kids, they ought to just blam e their parents or—dare I say it—themselves. Any m other w ho lets her 13-year-old boy go alone and unsupervised to a ranch called “Neverland” with a dude w ho looks like a corpse that has w ashed up on the riverbank after having drow ned four days prior deserves to have her head allegedly licked.

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

Culture

Who needs class when you've got TV? C o m e

fa ll, T V

S im p s o n s

M c G ill w ill e s c h e w

re ru n s

fo r e n te r ta in m e n t m e a n t to

B ave D arber

C ulture W

riter

cGill Idol, eh? If you thought SSMU’s reality offering this sem ester was bold, just wait until you hear what they’ve got in store for you when we return to the halls of Shatner in the fall...

M

Date M y Prof There’s nothing hotter than statutory. And what better way to ring in the new fall season than with McGill TV’s hot new reality show, Date M y Prof. In the legacy of Blind Date, W ho Wants To Marry M y Dad?, and Girls Gone Wild, slutty freshman girls will be partnered with lonely lec­ turers—watch as the flames and GPAs grow. And you’ll be able to catch “bonus footage” of steamy bedroom scenes on WebCT. What may have been a taboo subject around campus 15 years ago has become McGill’s newest form of embarrassing entertain­ ment. Squirm in your seat as your chemistry prof loses control of his pow er point w hen a buxom, barely legal blonde sits in the front of the class. This show is sure to redefine the term “T and A.” W ho Wants to be a SSMU President?

CD R E V IE W S D ra p e This, B itch!

After a tumultuous summer in which Adam Conter goes missing for three months, SSMU, in lieu of holding another disre­ garded—and heavily mocked— election, decides instead to have a more interesting competition to decide the presidency. The events, held in coordination with Frosh Week, will pit campaign­ ing contestants against one another in a gauntlet of guzzling and governance. Imagine seeing some poor sod sitting through a Board of Governors meeting directly following his afternoon booze cruise: man (puking) overboard! McGill Chanellor Dick Pound will host the compe­ tition and his trademarked say­ ing “You’re Pounded!” will be the phrase that eliminates poten­ tial candidates. The finale will see two rather inexperienced and ill-informed souls— it is “reality” TV after all—in a battle to the death. The loser becomes president.

The Library In this “mockumentary” bor­ rowing from the BBC’s The Office, we follow the lives of five students during the two weeks leading up to December exams.

Nick, the hipster humanistic studies student, annoys the resi­ dents of McLennan’s sixth floor with his ubiquitous Arcade Fire ring-tone. Lacey, the ADHDHoe,” “I Wonder if H eaven’s Got a Slow Roaster,” and “Harvest Season.” The first sin­ gle, “Doing Thyme,” recounts the hardships of prison life.

Stewart spits pure poetry with lines like “I was Cristal sippin’/W hile IMClone was slippin’/Sold my stock and got poached like a chicken.”

Drape hits stores April I. — Slisha Eiegel C arp et Bom b This, Sucka!

It’s official: hom em aker mogul turned ex-con Martha Stewart has gone hip hop. She may not have b een shot nine times, but Stewart’s recent jail sentence has increased her street-cred to 50 Cent propor­ tions. Sensing an opportunity to cash in on the coveted house­ wife dem ographic, P. Diddy signed Stewart to a deal with Bad Boy. Her debut album, Drape This, Bitch! is a must have for any hip-hop head. Stewart w orked with the top producers in the industry, including Dr. Dre, Pharrell Williams, and Kanye West, to m ake an album that is both soulful and inform­ ative. The disc includes such club-bangers as “Slap That

With his first album release since Show me the Jihad!, Osama bin Laden and the Fundamentals deliver a hard­ hitting collection o f u n d er­ ground, alternative rap-rock.

Lyrics with compelling political messages are laid over pow er­ ful electro-drum beats and Ahmed “Falafel” Al-Ajami’s driv­ ing bass lines. Bin Laden takes jabs at George W. Bush, NATO,

13

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Guess who's kissing his prof? stricken girlfriend of Nick, pops Ritalin and guards their belong­ ings from the phantom threat of thievery during McLennan’s Level Red. The only true student of the bunch, Teresa, glumly sits in the background, occasionally staring daggers at the others.

Andrew also tends to keep to himself, buried in the books— too bad he’s asleep. And yes, it was Andrew that farted. But we mustn’t forget the final character, Ron—our surly security guard with a heart of gold. Watch as hilarity ensues. and people w ho don’t “do your business outside da’ cave, yo!”

The self-dubbed “booby-trap” rapper even takes his hostility out on the irritants of his living environm ent w ith the aptly nam ed “Fuck Sand, Fuck”— “I got sand in my ears/Sand in my eyes/Sand in my crack/And in my hash too, biatch.”

Halfway through the album , bin Laden adopts a slightly more m ournful tone, rapping about the death of his friend Toby in the emotionally charged “My Friend Toby Got His Shit Ruined by a Landmine.” His lyrics, here, are probably at their strongest: “Yo, Toby took a w rong step/G ot blow n all to bits/All them mines in our soil/Is giving me the Shi’ites.”

In times of trouble, w hen American patriotism is reaching sickening heights, there’s noth­ ing the music w orld needs m ore than the provocative gospel of Da Sunni Mac Daddy to bring us all back dow n to Earth. Both the musical and political strength of this album would seem to indicate, as the m an himself w ould say, “You infidel bitches is goin’ down!”

At the very least we is goin ' down in style.

— Len Bemieux

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Mind&Bodv________ Butt plugs in the produce aisle?

■

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

14

Why grocery stores—especially the organic ones—get us off

ADA POO N & RHODA W A N G

T he M c G

ill

W

eekly

We can’t all afford the Rabbit vibrator or the Fleshlight, especially now with these fas­ cism-fueled education cuts—as if Chàrest didn’t already have the unsexy effect of making our love canals run dryer than the Sahara. And even if w e had the green—talking cash here, not reefer—some can be fundamen­ tally opposed to the capitalistic nature of such gratification devices. Most of these pleasure wands are made in the Third World, after all. And w e sure as hell feel guilty that young Pedro is whittling his fingers to the bone rewiring our battery oper­ ated joy toys so that we can get more clitoral bang for our buck.

To include ye thrifty—or commie or the anti-child labour lot— readers in the growing mar­ ket for alternatives to genitalia, your fave bitches (w e’ve official­ ly reclaimed that word, thus it is no longer derogatory, rather empowering) at the Weekly have decided to go out looking for the most economical and effec­ tive means to getting off, that are, at the same time, not part of the evil apparatus of the capital­ ist state. Based on popular demand, we are including strict­ ly, vegan-friendly organic options, because, after all, what goes in you is as important as

what goes on you. Get creative though, we sure did. Most any­ thing can provoke moans and groans, all you need is a little enviro-friendly lube and plenty of imagination.

ZucchiniForget your recipe for zucchini bread that’s a hit every time you bring a loaf to your weekly beat poetry jam /Doctors Without Borders meeting. This brightly-coloured little vagetable can be used for more than just to fill you up... oh wait. Find an irregular shaped one—crooked and curvy make our cooches squeal with delight!—with plenty of grooves, good for nestling into every crevice. The benefits of this alternacock include the fact that it comes in a ridiculous range of sizes, to suit any girl—or guy— willing to try, and it’s also pretty cheap. Zucchini is widely avail­ able for a mere $6 a pound in various shades of green as well as yellow. Pretty.

We have a few words of warning for you green-fingered ladies though— always scrub zucchini before you use them.

These are some bristly mother­ fuckers, and like that boy who gave you the clap, you don’t really know for sure where the zucchini had been before you found it at the market.

Flax seeds-. Bid adieu to flax

bread. For the past few years, nutritionists and dieticians have been touting the health benefits of flax seeds, and their precious omega-3s whilst w e’ve been praising the orgasmic possibili­ ties. We recom m end getting your hands on them seeds and oil, crushing them together to make a paste. Massage this tex­ tured paste into your partner, and then lick it all off. We’re not saying this is going to taste like honey. But it will be good for your liver, prevent cancer, and hey, it whets the appetite more than jizz. Plus it makes for sexy, slippery fun. It’s like someone doused us in an all natural, non­ synthetic, chemical free lube and w e’re having a wet ‘n ’ wild free-for-all. Makes orgies at the commune extra special.

Gourds-. You knotty, hard, rag-tag bastards! Gourds are in the same fam as our bitch, the smutty Zucchini, but they defi­ nitely, to quote that corporate sellout, Emeril Lagasse, “take it up a notch.” Not that we watch his show, or any TV for that mat­ ter. (Screw capitalism!) They are perhaps the most challenging and subsequently most satisfy­ ing in the fuckable produce genre. And it truly is the most multi-purpose erotic veg. You can strap on and dig in, or if you’ve got the proper, oppres­ sive appendage, have your way

with the fleshy interior. Our preference is the standby, pseu­ do-m asochistic technique of encompassing it in our female dom e of em pow erm ent.

Likewise, if you’re an ambitious fuckwit perv, like us, yo u ’ll gourd it up backdoor style, or at least give it the old college try. It took us a couple of advanced yoga classes and a Lamaze workshop at the YMCA before we got it, but hot damn, the extra effort was worthwhile.

Screw fisting, man, w e’re now able to fit a summer squash up our collective vag and an acorn gourd up the rear.

o O c 70 -<

o~n -< o c

70

2 0—I Plantains-. We dis­ 1 covered these dirty little w hores d eep in the Brazilian rainforest w hen w e w ent to a conference on preserv­ ing South American ecosystems. Then w hen no one was looking we Zucchini: Nature’s perfect diido hacked a couple of these fave meat-free dish (tastes great off the vine. Just holding them in with tofu, legumes, and turmeric our hands got us hot, bothered over brown rice). The plantain a n d engorged. They’re like the proves extra handy in those banana’s butch cousin, and that sticky situations where you have really gets us off. Thick, firm, odd vaginal symptoms. We and sweet, we like to leave the swear, it’s something about the peel on, and then strip it off starchiness, w hich can get w hen w e’re ready to practice goopy in a nasty-hot way, but our fellatio technique. Once this divine diido, w hen mashed you’re good and pleasured, up into a puree is the be all, end chop this delightfully phallic all cure to any twat-tastrophy. fruit, steam, and add to your

B e h in d e n e m y lin e s MIND SUGAR CHESTER STICKWELL

cGill is known to pride itself on being diverse, and the party line is to spread our wings and discover something new about ourselves.

Sure, this all sounds good in the­ ory, but the reality is quite dif­ ferent.

When explorers like me try to navigate unfamiliar waters, we are met with scorn and hos­ tility from the inhabitants, and are often marooned on an island that makes Lord o f the Flies seem like Spring Break. Let me tell you about my journey as a Management student venturing into the depths of Hell in the pursuit of a minor in English Literature.

Keep in mind the polar

M

opposites that English Lit and Management represent, and you can only imagine the chasm I’ve had to cross. I only discovered how wide it was when I stepped into my first conference, and everyone introduced themselves and stated their areas of study.

W hen my turn came and I uttered the words, “I’m in M anagem ent,” everybody stopped, and the girl beside shifted her chair away from me.

The TA certainly tried to accept my hideous condition, but all she ever saw were dollar signs pouring out of my mouth.

One time, she even answered an innocuous question I asked about an upcoming essay with, “Just keep in mind that you’re not writing a business plan here.

Support your thesis without sell­ ing it.” What? Is my last name Chartwell or something?

But English Lit students

don’t hate me just because of my faculty, but also for being male. I know, there are lots of men in the department, but I was still singled out. Allow me to explain: In Romantic Period Literature, I was one of 30 stu­ dents. Twenty-five of these pupils were women, and of the five men in the room, I was the only one not wearing an ugly sweater or pseudo-intellectual eyeglasses. As a result, I became the lightning rod for all hostility towards anyone with a penis.

Every time the lecturer would say som ething about how wom en were oppressed back then, this one girl would glare and audibly “tsk” in my direc­ tion. Apparently, I was the law­ maker in the 1500s, so I was at fault.

Again, I’m painting with broad strokes here. Some of the wom en w ere pretty nice to me.

During one class debate, I said something that must have made me look like a big sweetheart, because the girl beside me purred and touched my arm. We went out for breakfast after­ wards, and things went downhill fast w hen I offered to pay for her, mainly because I had a fivedollar bill and the total was just less than that— and I hate change. She responded by mak­ ing a dramatic “I don’t need no man to take care of m e” speech, pulled out her hem p change pouch and paid in mostly quar­ ters—which I received after pay­ ing for myself. Is irony a bitch or what?

But w hen my plight spread to the administrative level, I had to take action. I looked into being able to use the Arts com­ puter lab, but several times I heard the response “why don’t you just go use your lab?" Not

Bronfm an’s lab— y o u r lab. I practically choked on their ani­ mosity.

Finally, I got to speak with the head honcho, who said the lab was restricted to AUS mem­ bers. That led to this exchange: Me: “That’s fair, but is there any way you could make an exception?”

Him: “If w e made an excep­ tion for you, w e’d have to for everyone else.”

Me: “But then it wouldn’t be an exception. It would just be a new rule.”

Him: (mumbles something incoherent) “Name and student number, please.”

That small victory helped propel me through the rest of my English Lit education. I know now that I can’t be broken down by all you haters out there, so “Sucks to your assmar,” bitches.

The McGill Weekly • March 31, 2005

Culture

15

A t h le t e s w i t h o u t a s p o r t McGill cheerleading more thanjust sideline crotch shots CHESTER STICKWELL & D e RAWN GLASE

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They tear themselves apart when they take the FieldTurf at Molson Stadium every Saturday in the fall, and they spend the rest of the week putting themselves back together so they can do it all over again the next weekend. And make no mistake about it, McGill—they .do this just to please you, to entertain you and inject you with energy. Sad, then, that people don’t even consider their discipline to be a real sport.

Dictionary.com defines cheerleading as “the act of leading organized cheering.” Oh. Well, in any case, cheerleading is a physically demanding endeavour that requires an impressive combination of strength, flexibil­ ity, and athleticism. “There’s no clear definition of what a sport is,” says McGill cheerleading captain Nicole Kraumanis. “Why do sports have to be about goals and assists, and not about spirit and big smiles?”

Indeed, cheerleading is precisely the type of activi­ ty that sits in the centre of the sport/not a sport debate, since cheerleading squads do more than just rev up the crowds at other teams’ games. The other side of cheer­ leading is Power Cheer, in which teams perform their routine in a judged event. Recently, McGill’s team com­ peted at the Big Apple US Championships held in New York, and finished third.

So where along the spectrum between dance recitals and figure skating does Power Cheer fall?

According to McGill co-captain Rae Cornejo, the intensi­ ty of cheerleading places it squarely in the realm of sport. “If you’ve ever saw a cheerleading competition, there’s no way you could say it isn’t a sport,” she cries.

“There are always so many good teams, so if you want to win, you have to bring it. And we did that. We were cheer-tastic in New York!”

Another problem that detractors have with Power Cheer is the name itself. There is a large contingent of sports enthusiasts who immediately dismiss any sport

with an adjective in its title, such as Ultimate Frisbee or Xtreme anything. But there is no denying the dem and­ ing nature of cheerleading. The tumbles and pyramids performed by cheerleaders require precise execution, and any misstep could prove to be very dangerous.

Cheerleading may not have as high an injury rate as sports—sorry, other sports—but the injuries suffered are disproportionately severe. ** And for the 17 people in attendance at Redmen games this past fall, evidence of the high-risk nature of cheerleading was certainly on display. It was not uncommon to see the cheerleading team performing their routines with the accompaniment of various band­ ages and knee braces apparently taken from the prop room of Robocop. Such a sight only served to dem on­ strate the passion of the cheerleader, and each team m em ber’s willingness to play through pain. As Kraumanis says, “cheerleaders have lots of heart. We shake off bumps and bruises, ruptured tendons and facial reconstruction surgery. We have a job to do, and that’s cheer for the football team to hit a home run!”

Of course, those injuries may point to another, ugli­ er side of school spirit. Lower campus has reportedly been under siege by a nasty turf war between McGill Cheer and the McGill Dance Pack, an ongoing battle to determine once and for all who has the most spirit.

Unconfirmed sources say that many of the cheerleaders’ injuries resulted from a malicious brawl that started when a cheerleader gave the dance pack the “spirit fin­ ger.”

Cornejo denies the fight ever took place, but insists that “if we wanted, we could kick the crap out of those talent-less skanks.” Further enshrouding cheerleading as a whole in a cloud of controversy is a bill proposed by Texas State Representative Al Edwards (D-Houston) that would reduce funding to any high school that allows “sexually suggestive” performances by its cheerleaders.

A debate now rages over what is too suggestive, and whether enforcement of any decency standards should be the domain of the state or simply the schools and teams themselves. An About.com message board dis-

Black eyes and bruises are the signs of a true athlete. cussing the bill saw over 90 responses in less than a day, with people arguing on both sides of the fence. Of course, sexycheer69’s message, entitled “Am I pretty?

Here’s a pic!” received 127 over the same period of time, so it’s unclear just how important the Texas bill really is.

Sport or not, what is clear is that cheerleading has a plac.e at McGill, if for nothing other than the J.Lo-like drama that it produces.

F in a lly , a s p o r t fa t k id s a r e g o o d a t

D eRA W N GLASE

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hose great philosophers so revered by both the McGillian pseudo-intellectual bourgeoisie and campus radicals alike hardly concerned them ­ selves about food. A sad fact, I know, but it’s fucking true. Wittgenstein, as a biographer points out, “did not care what he ate so long as it was always the same.”

Schopenhauer hated depictions of food in still-life paint­ ings. I mean, like, what the fuck?

But how about that great modern Japanese sage, Takeru Kobayashi? What has he to say about the gastro­ nomic challenges of the new millennium? The current world champion of competitive eating’s response is remarkably simple, yet deeply profound: “I will come back next year and try to break the record once again.”

Allow me a brief life-altering digression here. I can’t stand sports. Which is to say, I fucking hate them. The notion of inconsiderate, beefy pro athletes getting rich while a working stiff can’t get a ticket to a game because of all the corporate suits fucking appalls me. But, I do have a secret love for a certain sport, that, ironically, fea­ tures beefy athletes: competitive eating.

Imagine the fucking indigestion that must come with downing 53 hot dogs—and buns—in 12 minutes.

And yet they want to come back and do it all over again.

That record was set, bf course, by Kobayashi, who

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is muse to McGill’s competitive eating teams. These ries with of their unwillingness to keep food down for chompers follow in the noble tradition of gustatory ath­ the requisite 20 minutes after each round. Hey, lay off letes, gurgitators, and, in France, epicurators, w ho came them, man: it’s difficult to counter their natural instinct to purge after downing 21 fucking matzo balls. before them.

Grostomac also told me that in addition to piling on McGill’s competitive eaters have also battled back from the brink of adversity. At first, they were denied the losses, S and M bogart the bathroom, preventing funding by the fascist athletic department, which seems teammates from taking much-needed post-event shits. to think guys with helmets smashing each others’ brains Needless to say, the team has had some ups and downs out—oops, I mean football—is the only sport worth fol­ with its bulimic members on board.

But through all this, the queens and kings of the lowing. But they stormed the Bastille of injustice that is the Currie gym and dem anded the cash to buy training gastronomic conquest have persevered. They’ve even supplies, and soon after, Metro delivered 11 pounds of managed to recruit some strong new teammates, cheesecake, 28 reindeer sausage, and 34 ears of sweet through secretly infiltrating Overeaters Anonymous corn—all organic, of course; after all, anything else and meetings—something that sent shockwaves through the the terrorists will have won—to their “gym,” the kitchen competitive eating community and engendered a lot of resentment among the other teams on the circuit. of team captain Gordon Grostomac.

Well, to those opponents, I say fuck off, get your I spoke to Gordo about the difficulty in trying to establish the competitive eating team, and he mentioned own sandwich-inhalers. The man can’t hold this team the problems presented by recent additions, twin com­ down any longer—they’re taking food and putting it petitive eaters Staci and Marcie. Gordo first noted that back in the hands of the workers, the common people, the two refused to wear the standard team uniform, where it belongs. We shouldn’t have to watch some cor­ instead deciding to go with red velour jumpsuits that— poratized mayonnaise-eating contest, no sir. Enough of while possessing a stretchy-enough waistband to allow food as high culture, as fodder for philosophy, as a sub­ for the consumption of large amounts of food— has ject for polemical ranting. Just eat, baby! resulted in the team getting DQ’d (and not Dairy Queened, which would be a good thing, except that they’re fascist commies) □ Don't forget your from com petitions for being hideously breakfast cards!* dressed.

But of greater concern to Gordo is that the two joined the team on the advice of their □ Hamburger cards shrink, w ho suggested taking up a sport 224 RUE MILTON would help solve their self-esteem prob­ Montréal (Québec) H2X 1V6 lems—issues that had resulted in extreme T. : (514) 285-0011 HOURS cases of bulimia. Not being the brightest pair, *Not valid Sat., Sun., &Holidays Weekdays 7am to 4:30pm S and M came out for competitive eating.

Weekends 8am to 4:30pm Holidays 8am to 3pm 12 Stamps for free breakfast Unfortunately, they’ve cost McGill victo­ I

F IT N E S S & R E C R E A T IO N C L A S S E S SPRING 2005

MAY 2 - JUNE 13 DAY&TIME

COURSE

COST

WKS

Member/Non-member AQUATICS S.C.U.B.A. Adult Learn to Swim White, Blue, Green Bronze Silver, Gold Swim Fit Swim (Private) DANCE Belly Dance Latin Dance FITNESS & WELLNESS First AidtCPR Standard CPR Re-Cert Classic Cardio Outdoor Boot Camp Hatha Yoga Pilâtes Power Yoga Weight Training (Private) Personal Fitness Appraisal PAY - AS - YOU - GO FITNESS Taebox Power Yoga Step Boot Camp Hi-Lo Spin OUTDOOR PURSUITS Equestrian Hiking

Kayaking (White Water) Rock Climbing MARTIAL ARTS Moo Kwang Tae Kwon Do Kickboxing SPORTS Tennis (All Levels)

Tennis (Private) Tennis (Semi-Private) Squash Intro Squash (Private) Squash (Semi-Private) STAFF PROGRAMS Aqua Fitness Badminton Belly Dance Body Design Easy Rider Hatha Yoga 1 Hatha Yoga II Pilâtes Riders on the Storm Power Yoga Lite Recess Tennis Tai Chi

Saturday Tuesday Saturday Saturday Saturday Mon. &Wed. ByAppointment

10:30-15:00 18:30-19:25 11:15-12:10 10:30-11:10 11:15-11:55 19:30-20:25

256.47/282.55 • 27.82/40.86 27.82/40.86 27.82/40.86 27.82/40.86 32.17/58.25 15.65/19.99

6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks

Wednesday Tuesday

17:00-17:55 19:00-20:25

22.61/35.65 22.61/35.65

6 wks 6 wks

Sat., May 14 & Sun. May 15 Sat., May 14 Mon. &Wed. Mon. &Wed. Mon. &Wed. Tuesday Thursday Tue. &Thur.

By Appointment

By Appointment

09:00- 19:00

69.55/73.90

2 days

09:00- 16:00 18:45-19:40 18:30-19:25 17:30-18:40 13:00-13:55 13:00-13:55 17:00-17:55

34.78/36.95 30.43/56.51 30.43/56.51 38.25/64.33 26.08/39.12 26.08/39.12 30.43/56.51 39.99/44.34 39.99/44.34

1 day 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 75 min.

75 min.

Tuesday Wednesday Monday Friday Thursday Wednesday

17:30-18:25 17:00-17:55 17:30-18:25 17:30-18:25 17:30-18:25 17:30-18:15

Friday Sunday Sunday, May 8 Saturday, May 14 Sunday, May 29 Sunday, June 5 Sat. &Sun., June 4 &5 Saturday, May 14

19:00-21:00 13:30-15:30 All Day* All Day All Day All Day Weekend All Day

126.06/130.41 126.06/130.41 39.12/41.73 39.12/41.73 39.12/41.73 39.12/41.73 200.00/208.64 65.20/69.54

6 wks 6 wks 1 day 1 day 1 day 1day 2 days 1 day

Mon. &Wed. Tuesday &Thursday

19:00-20:30 17:30-19:00

29.56/55.64 29.56/55.64

6 weeks 6 weeks

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Saturday Sunday Tue &Thur ByAppointment

By Appointment Tuesday Wednesday ByAppointment 8y Appointment

18:00-19:55 17:15-18:25 18:00 -19:55 17:15-18:25 10:00-11:55 10:00-11:55 18:30-19:55

59.12/72.15 36.51/49.55 59.12/72.15 36.51/49.55 59.12/72.15 59.12/72.15 86.94/113.02 18.26/22.60 10.87/13.91pp 31.30/44.34 31.30/44.34 18.26/22.60 10.87/13.91 pp

6 wks.

6 wks.

6 wks 6 wks.

6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 1 hr 1 hr 6 wks 6 wks 3/4 hr 3/4 hr

Mon. &Wed. Mon. &Wed. Mon. &Wed. Tues. &Thurs.

Tues. &Thurs.

Mon. &Wed. Tues. &Thurs.

Tues. &Thurs.

Mon. &Wed. Mon. &Wed. Mon., Wed. &Fri. Mon. &Wed. Mon. &Wed.

12:15-13:00 12:15-13:00 12:00-12:45 12:30-13:15 13:00 -13.45 13:00-13:45 12:00- 12:45 12:15-13:00 13:00-13:45 12:00-12:45 12:30-13:15 13:00-13:45 13:00-13:45

17:30-18:25 18:00-18:55

1INFO: 398-:

52.18 May 2 to June 24

13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04

6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks 6 weeks

M c G ill ATHLETICS 2005 SPRING & S U M M E R SESSION Registration opens A pril 1 8 , in the Sports Complex

2 0 0 5

Through the spring and summer months, McGill students must purchase a membership in order to gain access to the Sports Complex. Special student rates are in effect fo r all those w ho were registered through the 2005 w inter semester.

FULL SPRING & SUMMER MEMBERSHIP M c G ill S t u d e n t s $

9

9

*

STUDENT MAY SPECIAL $33 * In c lu d e s f r e e a c c e s s t o P a y -a s -y o u -g o f itn e s s c la s s e s t h r o u g h M a y & J u n e

• Non-members registered in courses may use the facility only during their designated class times.

• Most classes begin the week of May 2 and run through week of June 6, 2005.

• Pay-As-You-Go classes begin May 2 and run until June 25, 2005.

• Classes will not be held May 23, 2005.

A ll prices listed do n o t include GST & QST

SUMMER 2005 SESSION II COURSE OUTDOOR ADVENTURES Hiking • SPORTS Tennis (All Levels)

JULY 4 - AUGUST 14

DAY&TIME

COST

WKS

**Sat, July 10 **Sat, July 31 Sat, August 21

All Day All Day All Day

$37.39/45.20 37.39/45.20 37.39/41.73

1 day 1 day 1 day

Monday Wednesday Tues &Thurs

18:00- 19:10 18:00-19:55 18:00-19:10

30.43/41.73 55.67/66.94 60.86/86.93

6 wks 6 wks 6 wks

o r w w w .a th le tic s .m c g ill.c a