Volume 5, Issue 15 (The Mess)

MCHS to banish chronic absentees

As a response to chronic absenteeism within MCHS, a new administrative policy will see frequent flakers being cast away to a remote island

GabeSantos Arts&EntertainmentEditor

After a record high school year for absences, MCHS is implementing a new attendance policy that will see absentees marooned on a remote island somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle

The 2022-23 school year saw more class skipping and school ditching than any year on record This year, administrators announced a revamped policy as an attempt to cure chronic absenteeism The decision to banish chronic class-skippers and hookyplayers to a remote island was made over this past summer and set to be implemented in the second semester of the 2023-24 school year

Deciding when and where exactly to banish these unruly adolescents took a lot of deliberation Eventually, the administration came to a decision, and the policy officially went into effect as planned

“If a student misses over a week of school over the course of a semester we send them to an island in the Bermuda Triangle which we’ve called ‘Flaker’s Atoll ’” said an attendance officer “Pretty sure it’s where Amelia Earhart crashed her plane ”

One question that came up during meetings about this policy was where to draw the line between chronic absentee and regular student going through a rough patch

“There are plenty of students within MCHS who have had to miss a week or more of school due to health issues that are completely out of their control,” said an anonymous school nurse, “and we decided it best to include those

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students in the banishment Think of it as a quarantine Keeping all the sick kids on an island along with the bad apples will stop both illness and bad attitudes from spreading ” Problems soon arose when the policy was put in place, with students and parents alike in an uproar about its unreasonable intensity

“My kid hasn’t spent more than an hour outside since 2020!” said a disgruntled mother “How is she going to survive living on an island?”

Although, not all parents are against the tough love that MCHS is implementing

“I thought about sending my kid to rehab,” said the father of an MCHS student, “they continuously used nicotine instead of going to class I don’t believe in all that mental health junk though He needs to learn to be a damn man Get some outdoor experience like we did back in the day I’m all for it ”

Students are the most upset about the possibility that they’ll miss end of the year activities such as prom

“I bought a dress and everything!” said one student “I have a date too! I was going to run for queen! How is he supposed to pick me up? He can’t fly a plane! I can’t get sand on my dress This is just so awful I don’t know what to do with myself ”

The issues weren’t just with reactions, but within administration itself As the system began to fall into place, MCHS administrators were confronted with the question of how to monetize the whole thing

“What’s the point if we can’talso make money off of it?” said an unnamed attendance official

“We decided to kill two birds with one stone,” he added

The genius decision that the attendance office came to was to turn the punishment into a life and death competition, the prize being a ticket to prom, and to put the whole thing on TV

“The events at Flakers Atoll will be made into a reality TV show with all students sent there instructed to kill on sight,” said the official “The last student standing will get a ticket to prom That way, students can’t be mad about getting banished from prom festivities, and we get to make money! We’re gonna call it ‘The Famine Games ’”

Although the policy seems like an open and shut perfect idea, there was much consideration about alternatives before the faculty came to a decision

“I remember one teacher suggested we investigate why students didn’t want to show up to class ” said an administrator that wished to remain

anonymous “They implied perhaps it could be a problem with our education system, or that we didn’t encourage our students to come to class enough I don’t really see that teacher around anymore Not really sure what happened to him ”

Many anti-attendance policy students and staff offered to comment, but we haven’t been able to get in touch with them, as they too have been sent to Flakers Atoll and don’t have cell service That being said, according to everyone we talked to, the policy has been extremely well received

“I am all for the attendance policy ” Said one teacher “There is absolutely nothing wrong with it I enjoy my job very much and would like to keep it I have no opinions on MCHS’ policies whatsoever Please stop asking me questions Thank you ” Students across both of MCHS' campuses are learning not to skip If you do, you may never come back to class

U.S. threatens Chinese company ByteDance, stating, “Hey, we wanna take a crack at that data”

ElijahLatronica StaffWriter on the matter

At the end of February, U S lawmakers passed a bill that would ban TikTok in all 50 states if the company’s Chinese owner doesn’t sell to a U S owned company Lawmakers are concerned that China will collect data from U S users, especially young users who frequent the app regularly, and use it to spy and influence the elections instead of them

Senator and known patriot, John Oil, (R-Texas) has been extremely vocal about his support for the bill, mentioning in the interview that he spies on kids all the time, and that it should be America’s god given right

“The kiddies are on American soil,” Oil says, “We should be able to watch what they do They gotta support our great bills! Our soil, our data!”

Companies, CEOs, are also in support of the new bill, funding and lobbying for congress with their disposable income (2 million dollars ) Richard Smith, often called “Rich” by his employees, CEO of SOLO, reusable cups, has particularly strong thoughts

“Y’know,” Smith says, “we just want to know what the kids like! The kids love cups! They need my cups, and I need to advertise my cups! And if we can use their TikTok data to sell them more cups well, then it’s a win-win for everyone, right?”

Others disagree “I don't want my data being sold to the SOLO cup CEO,” Billy Bratwurst, Sophomore at MCHS says “I want it to be sold to someone who will sell me something cute, like a drop-shipped LED astronaut that projects space from the TikTok shop ”

Other students had said they loved TikTok, scrolling just to see their favorite sponsored videos, furious at the idea of a bill

As the interview with Smith continued, he proceeded to go on about how China as an extremely unfair advantage in the global market

“Well how am I supposed to know what color of cups the kids are into?” he asked before starting to openly weep, throw himself furiously onto the floor, shortly before opening up his TikTok app, and visibly calmed down at a rapid pace

No reception

EthanRasmussen StaffWriter

On April 1, many students and staff returned from spring break to protest the abusive conditions of the newly implemented phone jails This has led to a call for reform amongst the Mchenry High School community

MCHS is currently experiencing a massive issue regarding the newly implemented phone jailing system This system was met with lots of skepticism, causing many of these phone jails to be shut down early in the year This combined with a sudden shortage of guards for these jails has become one of the biggest mishaps of the school year

“Many phones have reported much abuse while serving their sentences,” said The Fox River Monthly, a local newspaper whose recent coverage of MCHS’s phone jails has earned praise from consumer technology watchdog groups “Oftentimes they are kept in their cell without microfiber cloth, battery, or even a case ”

This has sparked much outrage and has caused the fight for phone rights to become prevalent across MCHS Leading up to spring break, students

who were caught using their cell phones to watch March Madness in class refused to give them up to teachers, fearing the inhumane conditions and the abandoned prison conditions

Many staff members never agreed with the new phone sentencing, opting to never press charges in order to avoid these harsh rules and to release phones back into the community on parole or with community service rather than subject them to the poor prison conditions

“Honestly I always thought it was cruel and unusual, said Mrs Pelletier, a teacher at Mchenry Upper Campus “It’s just weird to put the phones into phone jail, so I never did Those cells don’t even have windows ”

Reforming the phone jail system at MCHS is a must for the next school year, as many students and staff will continue to fight for the rights of their phones

“My phone is the most important thing in my life” said Kodey Kleinman, a Junior at MCHS Upper Campus “I can’t stand phones being treated poorly, how else would I tell people about this without them?”

Male students at MCHS are in an uproar about equality and equal rights in the Warrior Athletics program after the announcement of a girls flag football team in February, especially given that they’re letting girls wrestle now and on their own team

Many male athletes, who have grown concerned about the lack of equal athletic opportunities for them

at MCHS, have gotten behind the movement to add a boys volleyball team MCHS’s current volleyball team at MCHS is primarily for girls only “Where is our volleyball team?” says sophomore Miles Menswrights “I bet a lot of guys would join cause I’ve heard a lot of them say they would That’s why we need one ”

Some upset male students began to take balls and necessary equipment during practices while the coach was not looking Others attended volleyball games but refused to clap in protest for their team

MCHS’s male athletes demand gender equality in all athletics, particularly boys volleyball, which only girls can play

outshine the girls' team and lead us all the way to nationals It's not just a dream; it's a prophecy waiting to be fulfilled!”

When four boys confronted MCHS’s Athletic Director Chris Madsen with their concerns, they were blown away to find out that a boys volleyball team will be planned for next season and tryouts will take place in August

“Talk about being heard,” says junior Dylan Spikes “Looks like our concerns didn’t fall on deaf ears after all Boys volleyball team, here we come! August tryouts better watch out because we’re about to spike our way to victory,”

The IHSA has already unveiled the introduction of a boys’ volleyball team at MCHS starting next season, following concerns raised by students regarding the absence of such a team

While establishing a men’s volleyball team at MCHS marks a significant victory for male athletes seeking inclusivity, it’s only the beginning of a broader movement for equality

As discussion continue to develop, male students how turning their attention toward including that possibility of male beauty pageants, such as the former Mr McHenry pageant

“Girls get all of the good sports that us men don’t!” says senior Owen Guyless “They get all the competitive sports that guys want and we get all the boring ones If we had a team I think we can even make it to nationals,”

Though MCHS has an intramural volleyball team that plays in the winter, many of the male athletes pushing for equal representation said that this is the opposite of equal representation

"Well, you see, intramural volleyball is like a warm-up for our real mission, nationals,” adds Guyless “And mark my words, our guys' team is going to

“Just as we’ve fought for our place on the volleyball court, we’re ready to strut out stuff on stage,” says senior Even Equalitie “We need our own pageant like Miss McHenry, only, like, a mister version to redefine what it means to be a modern man in today’s society,”

As discussions surrounding potential revival of male beauty pageants gain momentum, it’s evident that the quest for equal representation continues With each step forward, the students of MCHS continue to champion diversity, paving the way for a more inclusive and vibrant school community

PaulinaBorowski MarketingDirector

InthewakeofnewgirlsteamsatMCHS maleathletesat havestartedamovementtomakeathleticsmoreequalatMCHS startingwithaboysvolleyballteam |Photoby:BillyBratwurst