Get to Know Your Neighbor and Begin to Heal the Divide

BY DEO MWANO

We live in a divisive social culture. There’s a new controversy every day and we are always asked to take a side. Not taking a side is even taking a side. We imagine these debates as insurmountable barriers, irreparable fissures in the social fabric. It shouldn’t be this way. And it doesn’t have to be. We can overcome our differences when we focus on our similarities, how much we share, and how much we have in common. We are all human.

Our neighborhoods present an opportunity to get offline and genuinely connect with people who, at first glance, may not be like us. It is a chance to step out of comfort zones, to overcome fear, and to truly connect with others, face to face. If we learn how to listen, to speak with humility, and approach others from a place of curiosity, we can break down the ways of thinking that divide us. We can become good neighbors and better people. We can, one by one, change the tide of angry rhetoric we’ve become accustomed to and begin the work of healing the country.

My childhood experiences as a refugee from the Congo, resettled in Manchester, taught me a great deal about getting to know people who were different from me. When we first arrived in the U.S., many of the people who helped my family were white. Even the church we joined was predominantly white. These people were very kind and we often broke bread together, talking about our life in Congo and their lives in America. But in school, my community of friends couldn’t have been more different. I was in ELL (English language learners) with children from around the globe. We connected as new Americans, but in many ways we were segregated from the rest of the school. At lunch, ELL students sat together, without any opportunity for mutual learning with the other children born and raised in the U.S. This taught me an important lesson that informs the work I do today: You can’t be a good neighbor if you are passive. You need to be intentional, proactive, curious and empathetic.

In order to get to know our neighbors, we have to acknowledge diversity. Your neighbor might be a different race, ethnicity, gender identity or sexual orientation, and they will almost certainly have a different lived experience from you. These are opportunities to learn, to broaden your horizons. They are not reasons to retreat or withdraw or put up walls. Recognizing another person’s whole self — their entire identity — is the direct path to a true connection. People often claim that they don’t see color. This is not the time for that charade. Acknowledging diversity is foundational to forging new relationships.

Getting to know your neighbor is a twoway street. Growing up in New Hampshire,

“We can solve so many of our societal problems by talking face to face, being curious about each other, and listening.”

I was just as curious about my white friends as they were about me. I am still grateful for the many friends I made who were open with me and willing to answer my questions. I learned a lot about family dynamics, religious traditions, parenting and political ideologies. White friends introduced me to slang, American music and food like grilled cheese, mac and cheese and nachos. These connections could not have happened without openness and willingness to share and learn from both sides.

Take the time to truly get to know your neighbor. You will learn new things from each other and see the world through a new lens. These are the things that should inform how we see and treat each other — not a culture war that is being fought on social media, stoked by talking heads on TV. It is dangerous when the things influencing our perspectives are based on fear. Fear transforms to hate or even ideologies of superiority. Getting to know your neighbor is the antidote. It’s the chance to find common ground and shared interests. It’s the chance to be the best version of ourselves.

Our differences should not turn us away from or against one another. They should influence our desire to learn about each other. They provide an opportunity for respectful dialogue to cultivate trust, honesty and vulnerability. Before long, you’ll feel comfortable enough to go over to a neighbor’s house to ask for milk, sugar, or even toilet paper! The best part is that we all have the power to do this. We can all get to know our neighbors regardless of how different they are from us. We can solve so many of our societal problems by talking face to face, being curious about each other, and listening. This is the only way we can bridge the gap of our social divide.

Getting to know our neighbors will help to negate the narratives that keep us apart. Our national divisions will be diminished.