ClassAds@DavisEnterprise.net WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2020
A8 THE DAVIS ENTERPRISE
Lead with compassion Dear Annie: My son and daughter-in-law have been married for about three years. She used to be a very nice girl when dating my son. When they told me they were getting married, it was just so that she could be put on my son’s health insurance because she couldn’t work anymore. I was still happy. She sold her house and moved into his house. I live five hours away, so when I visit, I usually stay four days and play with my granddaughter, who is 9 years old. I was kidding around one day when my son was leaving for work and I said, “Aren’t you going to kiss your wife goodbye?” She yelled, “We don’t have that kind of relationship!” I quickly shut my mouth. When I used to go down, I would ask if I could take my granddaughter for a walk, but now she always says no. She says she doesn’t trust me. She accuses me of all kinds of things that are not true. When I tell my son what she says to me, he always answers that’s just how she is. Once my son and his wife went to a ballgame, her mother was babysitting at her house because I can’t be trusted. I had nothing to do, so I vacuumed the house. When they came home, she had a fit. She considers that I’m saying she’s dirty. When she got pregnant again, I was not allowed to know until my son called months later and told me they were having twins. That’s why they were telling me — because he said it wasn’t a good time to come down, instead of just telling me she is pregnant (everyone else knew). He said there would never have been all that arguing. My daughter-in-law and I have not spoken since she became pregnant nine months ago. She started messaging me nasty things, saying it wasn’t any of my business why I couldn’t come down. She states, “STAY UP WHERE YOU ARE NOBODY LIKES YOU DOWN HERE ANYWAY.” So we started arguing back and forth on Messenger. I was talking with my doctor about this, and he says to stay away from her. What do I do if I’m invited to birthdays or the twins’ christening? She took away my bonding time with my granddaughter. I don’t want to be around her, but I want to see my grandchildren. — Shut-Out Grandma Dear Shut-Out Grandma: Your daughter-in-law does sound unstable, or certainly like she believes you cannot be trusted. That must be so hurtful for you as a grandmother, and I’m sorry you are going through this. Grandparents are a gift to children, so let’s try and find a way for you to be back in their lives. You should attend events if you are invited. Birthdays and christenings are memorable days that you don’t want to miss. When you’re there, focus on the love you have for your grandchildren and your son. If you can take it a step further, send your daughter-in-law some love. Clearly, she is hurting deeply. Have an open and honest conversation with your son about your feelings. Tell him you are willing to go to family counseling or do whatever it takes to have a relationship with him and your grandchildren. Don’t give up on them. How someone treats you is a statement about who they are as a human being, not a statement about you. How you respond is a statement about you. When you are with them, it’s probably best to avoid making any comments whatsoever about their marriage.
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Of course, you were right in your comment about a kiss goodbye, but that makes her even angrier. If she says hurtful things again, don’t engage in an argument on Messenger. Remember she is hurting and that is why she is acting out. Act with compassion, and keep being there for your son and grandchildren.
Financial planning brings up past pain Dear Annie: My husband and I are 72 and have had a good life together, raising two boys who have become really good men. Their wives and our grandchildren are the best. Here’s my dilemma: We’re meeting with a financial planner in a week, and we were given papers to read and questions to answer prior to the actual appointment. The final question focuses on “a family disaster,” asking each of us how we would want our estate divided up, if we, our sons, their wives and all of our grandchildren would perish at the same time. My husband assumed I would designate my only sibling, an older sister, and was surprised when I said I wouldn’t. He grew up close to his family, in a supportive, loving relationship with his parents and continues to enjoy all of his siblings. I didn’t have that with my parents or my sister. We live 1,500 miles apart, which has probably helped, because I’m sure that if we’d have been closer to any of them, then they would have disrupted our lives with their dramas. Much has happened over the years that has made me realize that if we weren’t related, I’d never want to be her friend. Throughout our lives, she’s been manipulative and mean; I’ve also caught her in many, many lies. I’m wondering if I’m a terrible person for not wanting to designate her. I know the likelihood of a family disaster is remote, but I still have to have an answer soon, and, I’m feeling guilty for not being loyal to my sister. I almost feel as though I’m being manipulated once again, and she doesn’t even know what’s going on! My husband and I have been married for 47 years and have a solid relationship, and there’s no pressure from him. I think he was just genuinely surprised, which I find interesting given he knew my family that long and how they treated me. But it’s been very upsetting to me, feeling this way. — A Family Disaster Dear Family Disaster: You’re not a terrible person for not wanting to designate your sister. These types of questions are challenging and can bring up old hurt feelings as well as new worries. The most important thing is for you to relieve yourself of some of your guilt. Feeling guilty about being upset with your sister is a lot of baggage to carry around. Take this as an opportunity to do some introspection. See if you can forgive your sister for her behavior, as she was the product of the same parents that you had. Maybe then you could slowly start a relationship with her, assuming you have the right
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Sympathy for stepmom Dear Annie: I come from a large family. Our mother died at a young age (39), and there were seven children at that time. Years later, our father married a woman with three children. One of our sisters lived with our mother’s parents until their deaths. Eventually, our father and stepmother had a child. The child living with our grandparents was apparently jealous of our stepmother and has shown it every step of the way. We all got along except for her. After our father died, two stepbrothers learned that they were only half brothers and had different fathers. Our stepmother had it rough with her first husband. He was mentally abusive to her, and she searched for support from others. Our stepmother forgot about the possibility of someone else being her son’s biological father, especially since the oldest one looks like his father. Since this information came out, my sister-in-law and sister have been putting down our stepmom. They call her all kinds of names and none of them speaks to her. Apparently, they don’t consider the fact that she married a man with seven children, with three of her own, and another on top of that. Two of our father’s kids were ill and have since died. This woman went through a lot in her life. Why can’t they just move on from there instead of being so disrespectful? — Sad Life in PA Dear Sad: You sound like a person who has perspective, someone able to see life not just in black and white but in shades of gray, which it is. People are rarely all good or all bad, but judgments are formed by us viewing them that way. It sounds like your sister-in-law and sister, by putting on their judge’s robes and saying hurtful things about your stepmom, are stuck in this “all bad” type of thinking. Your compassionate approach of seeing her as a woman who went through a lot in her life and who made some mistakes, as we all do, is very healthy. This same attitude also goes for judging your sister and sister-in-law. By bringing compassion to your conversations with them, they, too, might find some in their hearts for your stepmom. Simply share that you don’t feel right saying mean things about your stepmom, given all that she went through in her life. ——— Dear Annie: Your response to “Missing Love” was spot on. My
beloved husband passed away eight years ago. It was not only his death that I had to deal with but the death of life as I knew it. Attending a spousal grief support group and being around other people who “got it” gave me the most comfort. Now, I help lead the group to pay it forward. Nothing can prepare you for widowhood, but people can help you through it. I know. I’ve been there. — Know from Experience Dear Experience: Thank you for your letter. I am sorry for your loss but happy to hear that you have found support through meeting others with similar experiences.
Busting ballot blunders Dear Annie: Recently, you published a letter in which someone recommended putting a stamp on an election ballot, even if it had already had prepaid return postage, in order to hasten its delivery. That isn’t how it works. The bulk-mail misunderstanding may stem from some election bureaus sending the blank ballots or applications to voters via bulk mail instead of first class. But the business-reply mail already is first class. And in many states, such as here in Pennsylvania, the county elections offices are making them postage-paid through one of several options; some might physically stick stamps on them. I’m afraid you fell for “be sure to repost and pass along” misinformation on the internet. — John Z. Dear John: I deeply regret sharing any inaccurate information about postage for ballots. I appreciate your (and several other readers’) setting me straight. Note that the process may vary slightly depending on your state. The USPS has stated that while those voting in states where prepaid postage is not provided should buy their own stamps for the return envelope, USPS cannot reject votes without postage. Readers can find more information by visiting www. usps.com and clicking on “Election Mail.” ——— Dear Annie: I had to write to ask your opinion on something that’s been irking me for years now: I know many people who only call me when they’re in the car. More and more friends are doing this; with everyone using cellphones (as opposed to home phones), you can’t tell if they are in their car when calling so you answer it. I feel I am being used to make their trip to wherever go quicker and fill in the void. Then they get to their destination and say, “Well, I am here,” and hang up. Oh, and don’t forget the commentary on other drivers or spying something different or whatever. Am I the only one who is bothered by people only calling when they are in their car? Am I just old-fashioned and need to realize that this is the new normal? — Call Me From Home Dear Call Me From Home: It seems that long, leisurely calls from the sofa on a Sunday afternoon have gone the way of the landline, but we ought to revive the tradition. As tempting as it can be to catch up on calls from the road, it can leave call recipients feeling slighted, and, even more importantly, it’s dangerous. It greatly reduces our ability to recognize and react quickly to hazards while driving. These negative impacts hold true even with hands-free calls, according to a 2016 study from the Univer-
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boundaries and expectations from the beginning. In the meanwhile, there is no law saying you have to name your sister as your heir in the event of a total family disaster. ——— Dear Annie: I ride my bike through our community every morning. My neighbors and I exchange greetings on a regular basis. Once in a while, I will greet a neighbor with, “Good morning!” and the person will respond, “What’s good about it?” I have finally come up with a response: “It’s not a statement of fact. It’s my wish for you.” Invariably, this is met with a smile and a good wish for the morning. It seems to make both of us feel better. — Don P. Dear Don: Thank you for the reminder that our days can turnaround instantly with something as simple as a kind greeting and some well wishes.
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sity of Sussex. Researchers believe that this is because talking on the phone and driving compete for similar parts of the brain. So, let’s be better drivers and better conversationalists. Save the long phone calls for home. ———
Feeling disconnected from adored aunty
Dear Annie: I have an aunty who has been there for me since my childhood. She has always had my back. My mum is absent, and this aunty is the one who has filled in for her all these years. Years back, I felt like I could tell her anything and she would understand me. I adored her so much, still do. But recently, I began to feel a disconnect between us. I asked her why she had been distant lately, and she said that she feels as though I’m competing with her child for her attention. No matter how much I try to explain my feelings — how important our relationship is to me — she brushes me off. I feel so helpless now. What do I do? — Aunty Anxiety Dear Aunty Anxiety: Give her space to work out whatever the issue seems to be. Maybe her child has been complaining and pushing her to pay less attention to you, or they’ve been going through some hardship and your aunty feels guilty, believing she hasn’t given all the attention to her child that she could have. Whatever the case, this is about her, not you. Do your best not to take it personally. Remember that you are loved. ——— Dear Annie: My boyfriend and I have been in an undefined relationship for six months. He has been married before and now is divorced. One thing he has reiterated time and again during these six months is that he doesn’t need a woman and having a girlfriend adds nothing to his life. When I ask him why he says things like this, which are painful to me, he says it’s due to bad experiences in his past relationships. But he tells me that he wants me. I am starting to feel uncomfortable with our arrangement. He says that he will never get married. I want to get married. I don’t know any of his friends, and he has never taken me out. I’ve asked him why we can’t go out with his friends. He used to say it was because I needed to dress flashier — wear sexier dresses. I’ve bought flashier clothes, and he still won’t take me out. Now, he says he just doesn’t like to go out. In reality, before we met, I know for a fact that he used to go out and spend time with his friends and he still does sometimes; he just doesn’t invite me. He has never given me anything, not even a small birthday present. I am sick to my stomach over this. I feel as though he’s ashamed of me — and that shame is the real reason that he does not want to introduce me to his friends or take me anywhere. I want to stay away from him, but at the same time, I’m really confused. Whenever I get upset with something he says, he calls me back and says he loves me. I think that he’s just using me. — Second-Guessing Dear Second-Guessing: He can profess his love for you all day long; if he doesn’t have the actions to back it up, it’s nothing more than hot air. Throw this fickle froggy back in the pond. You deserve to be with someone who is proud to introduce you to his friends. Don’t accept anything less.
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