Living When your vibe says, ‘Ignore me, no problem’

n Editor's note: Tanya Perez is taking the day off. This column originally published in May 2019.

I’m at a crossroads right now over who I want to be: the cool client you want to help or the shrew who screams, “I’m going to call my lawyer if you don’t finish this job right! This! Minute!”

As you might have gathered, the Perezes are in the midst of some home remodeling, necessitated by water sneaking in through an upstairs window that didn’t actually leak, then cascading down an interior wall and in through a kitchen window that gushed. Mold mitigation, drywall replacement, kitchen cabinet repairs, and tile backsplash restoration are all in the works right now. Or at least they should be.

A quick caveat: This is not meant to blame any particular company. I think contractors have an enviable position of being allowed to be a little less responsive than other businesses. Can you imagine if a newspaper was able to miss deadlines regularly because people thought, “Well, that’s just how newspapers are.”

Anyway, I’ve always tried to strike an “I’m so cool and easygoing that you couldn’t not want to help me” vibe. I try to be likable and enjoyable to be around so that workers will want to put my project on the top of their to-do lists.

But at the same time that I’m not calling and bugging them for updates and schedule queries and cost estimates, a crotchety person is yelling at them and threatening them to “finish my job right now or else!”

The contractor is now presented with a pretty easy choice … respond to the yeller and get that job finished before trouble breaks out or go over to the house where the person seems patient to wait until the end of time to get things done.

My easygoing persona began with my doctor. My mom had kind of impressed upon me to be extra nice to a doctor and not whiny or complainy so that I would be seen as worthy of helping or curing.

As I got older, however, I learned that the doctor-patient relationship is one where it’s more effective to be mostly yourself, rather than a delightful, unrealistic version of yourself.

Somewhat relatedly, I learned my early home-repair solicitation strategies while living in Richmond, Va., in the 1990s. Time stood a little bit stiller in the capital of the Confederacy, and if we didn’t want to be outright ignored, the man of the house had to be the one to talk to mechanics and laborers of any sort, at least to get the ball rolling.

Once they were on the job, however, I was most often the one at home, guiding them on the projects. So I developed an air of, “Aren’t you glad you are working for such a cool and knowledgable woman?

I’m not like those feeble-minded biddies you dread.”

So while I don’t think it’s a sexism problem now that prevents me from getting workers to show up when I need them to, I think the style I adopted when owning our first home is contributing to the problem.

It seems to me that modernday contractors and laborers understand that women often are the financial heads of household — meaning we handle all of the outgoing payments. Plus, they know most women are more aware of what kind of tile surround should go in the guest bathroom.

So I’m back to thinking that my “I want you to like me” attitude is the issue.

What can be done about this?

I’m certainly tired of being the patient one who gets moved back on the calendar over and over. But I’m not ready to start sending emails with my lawyer copied on them. Short of getting my contractor’s license, I’m not sure how to proceed.

My husband’s take is we should sell our house and move into a hotel or a dorm. Home maintenance drives him crazy, and he is convinced he’d be perfectly happy in a small space that has a staff of caretakers.

I’ve asked him in my cool, easygoing way, “Would you be happy living there alone?”

— Tanya Perez lives in Davis with her family. Her column is published every other Sunday. Reach her at pereztanyah@ gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter at @californiatanya.