Issue 10, Spring 2019 - The Quadrangle

Page 1

HE TRI NG E

“We Do Satire”

The 38th Annual April Fool’s Day Satirical Edition

Visit Our Website theilluminati. gov

ONE BILLION DOLLARS

HEY GUYS I SAW A CAT TODAY DIO

Immortal Vampire

HEY GUYS I TOTALLY SAW A CAT ON THE WAY TO SOCIOLOGY TODAY. UGH, I TOTALLY FORGOT TO SAVE THE PICTURE I SENT TO MY STREAKS, BUT IT WAS SUCH A CUTE CAT. HE WAS SO FRIENDLY AND COOL. I HOPE I SEE HIM AGAIN.

Campus Senate Proposes Maximum Wage Dolla Dolla Bills

What’s Your Venmo?????

I Did My Best at Drawing It For You Here Brother Rob Upset Over No Longer Being the Poster Child of Mission Month

LEFT: A loving supporter of Brother Rob RIGHT: A severe lack on Brother Rob on this board!!!!!! BROTHER ROB’S NUMBER ONE FAN / COURTESY

Miss. Ion Month

The Holiest Time of the Year In a shocking turn of events, the college has posted brand new Mission Month boards out on the quadrangle in preparation for the annual month spent for volunteering in the community. Students familiar with these boards will notice they are lacking a familiar face: one Brother Robert Berger. Brother Rob has been featured on the “excellence in teaching” board in years past. But he is no longer pictured in this year’s new design. The Triangle was there

when he found out the upsetting news. “This is ridiculous!” Brother Rob screamed, as he roundhouse kicked the ‘respect for human dignity’ sign. “Now I know how the original Gerber Baby felt when he got replaced.” The Triangle reached out for comment from the Campus Ministry and Social Action department for comment, but they were all too scared to come out of their offices to face the wrath of the angry Brother. “I deserve to be on these boards because I am a legend at this college,” said Brother

IN THE VOID: A place where the AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHgood memes die young and the bad HHHHHHHHHmemes thrive p. no HHH on p. 666

INTERNET :

A modest proposal by campus senate is gaining traction with students at Manhattan College. The proposal would require wages of students to match that of professors in their respective disciplines. In the days following the proposal students have already begun to show their support, scheduling a march and multiple demonstrations around campus. One student on campus was heard saying, “This is the most important cause students have rallied behind since the protests for increased parking that we’ve had for the past year.” Campus Senate has been praised for this unexpected progressive action. Students are no longer being held back by the confines of an outdated system that favors people based on factors around their birth that they had no control

over, such as the year. Students seem encouraged to finally put an end to this age gap. Some students however, have expressed their discontent with the stipulations of the new proposal, mainly that students in different disciplines will earn different wages for the same job. The fear is that Liberal Arts students will change their majors and minors in order to qualify for an increase in wages by taking STEM courses. Some believe that this proposal could lead to a class ceiling which would further the divide between majors. *Any students not in favor of the proposal are welcome to formally lodge their complaints on the newly opened 13th floor of Horan Hall. As it is only accessible by elevator, at this time no student has attempted to complain.

Rob. One of his students that didn’t do the homework assignment last night agreed. “He is definitely one of the most amazing professors I’ve ever laid eyes on and I enjoy his class so much that I wish I could take it for the rest of my life. Such a life-changing, humbling experience. I can’t give enough praise,” said junior Tay Chars Pette. There is currently a petition being sent around to fix this extremely pressing issue. For more coverage, keep following The Triangle.

IN THE SEA:

Blub Blub Fish Noises Blub Shark... Shark? SHARK! HELP...

THE REST OF PAGE ONE IS CLOSED DUE TO MOLD. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE. KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED FOR MORE MOLD THROUGHOUT THE PAPER.


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