HE TRI NG E
The 37th Annual April’s Fool’s Day Satirical Edition
MARCH 27, 2018
THE MASCOT SEARCH IS ON
To defEAT the trash teams
THEY’REEEEE TOT-ERRIFIC
Not only the hero we deserve, but the hero we need
Jasper is back and happier than ever
Lasallians will go NUTS over this one
Because no one can ever take things seriously, these are the top five mascots from the mascot survey. One of those monstrosities will be running up and down our basketball court during halftime, thanks to you baffoons. I am ashamed in all of you for what you have done. For more on this developing story, visit page 42. PHOTOSHOP SQUAD / THE TRIANGLE
Student Finds Whole Severed Hand in Locke’s Loft Salad
O’Donnell Changes Name to O’Malley for Hair, $5 Million
Joelle Nalism
Faustian J. Bargain
A Manhattan College student, who wishes to remain anonymous, found a whole, severed hand in her salad this past Wednesday. The student, and Gourmet Dining, confirmed the find this week. The student, a junior at Manhattan College, was extremely disgusted to find the severed appendage. It was so, so nasty. Okay, the student was me. I found the hand and I am mad about it. But I am a journalist, so I will strive my best to keep in mind the ethics of a true journalist. “I thought to myself, ‘man this plate is unreasonably heavy,’” said the student, on her decision to consume a salad in Locke’s that fateful day. The student had decided to end her meal on a healthy note. When she took a bite of the lettuce, she realized that a literal hand was laying on top of her salad. She said that she took the plate up to a cook to show what she had found and the cook actually vomited into his fancy chef hat. He shakily pointed towards a nearby manager, who screamed and fainted on the
It was a dark and rainy Thursday night when Manhattan College President Brennan P. O’Donnell, Ph.D., heard the taps against the front driver’s side window of his Acura as he prepared to leave after a long day’s work. “I’m back,” said the figure, from within a black cloak, its claw still scraping against the glass. “First I bought the library, then Lee Hall, then the entire business school, and now I want… you.” The President recalls the figure then unhooding itself, revealing the face of Thomas O’Malley ‘63, climate changer and Manhattan College mega donor. O’Malley then demanded that the President change his last name from O’Donnell to O’Malley, promising that in turn the President would be given a full head of hair and a $5 million donation to the college’s handrail repainting program. It was an offer that the President simply could not refuse. Phil Meeyup, an MC junior who witnessed the exchange,
said he saw thunder and lightning appear over the President’s car, and that he watched the President’s very soul be sucked beneath O’Malley’s cloak. “It was really spectacular,” Meeyup said. “O’Donnell, or, I guess, President O’Malley’s body was jerking and twitching… he was foaming at the mouth, and afterward he just had this strange grin on his face.” “I have no regrets,” the newly-minted Brennan O’Malley said in a later interview, wearing a dazed, satisfied grin beneath his new afro. “I did what was best for the college, and, besides… ‘Malley?,’ ‘Donnell?,’ it’s all the same anyway.” Thomas O’Malley intends to pursue the remains of St. Jean Baptiste de la Salle for his next purchase.
IN A&E:
IN SPORTS:
The Manager
She runs the show
IN NEWS:
Trump Golfing, Apocalypse Delayed on p. 45
If I had to suffer, you’re going to have to as well... LOOK AT IT! MY PHONE / THE TRIANGLE
recently mopped floor. “And she said, once she came to, that although the salad came in bags from the manufacturer, she would be investigating every worker to confirm they all have two hands that remain intact,” said the student. So I-- I mean, the student carried the hand towards the dish return as students lept out of the way. One interested student poked the disembodied hand with a used fork. Brian Weinstein, resident
IN FEATURES: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH on p. 666
director of Gourmet Dining, told me he was not available for comment. Although he did suspiciously have a new hook in place of his right hand... The student was given free vouchers to the vegetarian portion of the menu at Cafe 1853. The cost of a scarring experience of having a literal severed hand in my salad? Priceless (because the counseling center on campus is free).
Brennan O’Malley
He’s watching... Masiello to be and he’s waiting on replaced by p. 1853... Loyola’s Sister Jean p. 777