“don’t do.
we’re in a panorama”
the 44th april fool’s day satirical edition
Flying Red Bull Mascot Injures Brother Jasper on Campus
The Energizer Bunny
Addicted to Caffeine
Members of the Manhattan University community were met with a gruesome sight on their Tuesday morning commute to class as an injured Brother Jasper laid helpless on the quad after being bodyslammed into the ground by none other than Red the Bull, the infamous energy drink mascot.
The Bull was seen flying overhead just minutes before the attack, spinning in circles as though chasing his own tail in mid-air.
“I just wanted to give him wings,” Red the Bull told The Triangle at the scene of the crime. “I didn’t realize his shoulder blades would give out.”
Red the Bull, with wellknown nicknames varying from “Red” to “The Bull” to “that dude”, attempted the on-campus stunt in hopes of pursuing a collab between the two.
“His Instagram be poppin,” Red said. “I just wanted to get in on that. Anything to advance the brand. I wasn’t expecting
anything like this to happen.”
Red the Bull, who crashed into Brother Jasper harder than expected due to a wing failure,
admitted to The Triangle upon further self-reflection that his wings have been problematic in recent months.
“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to see someone about that,” Red admitted. “Sometimes they’ll just give out and stop flapping. It seems to happen when I stop thinking about flying.”
The Bull continued, “Other times, they can get stuck together. Just like you put gas in the car, I gotta gas up the wings with that sweet carbonated elixir. Unfortunately, its stickiness can get in the way.”
In an attempt to heal Brother Jasper’s wounds, Red spouted campus’s favorite energy drink over the entire quad. Unfortunately, this only caused Brother Jasper’s robes to become fused to the grass. First responders were only able to tend to MU’s mascot after digging up the grass he was stuck to. The sight drew the attention of quite a few bystanders.
“I used to be a big fan of The Bull, both his drink and his wingspan,” Caffy McAddicted said. “Now, I’m not sure how I feel. I mean, Brother Jasper, that’s our bro. Messing with him is not cool man.”
The Jasper Dancers, witnessing the horror take
place mid-impromptu performance on the quad, were the first to rush to the icon’s aid, using their poms as makeshift bandages while they hovered over, gently singing the University’s age-old fight song.
“We just wanted to try to calm him down,” captain Jazzy Sideline said. “He once told us his mom used to sing the song in his childhood to lull him to sleep. We thought it might be calming.”
The Triangle, after paying off an EMT to mic up Brother Jasper during transport, was able to clip a statement.
“I just wanna fly,” Brother Jasper mumbled as he was wheeled off the quad. Upon speaking to first responders, it is believed that Brother Jasper will make a full recovery from his injuries, including a sprained right eyeball, purple left pinky toenail and exposed funny bone. As for Red the Bull, “the dude” has been banned from campus for the next 785,379 years, or until MU becomes profitable again –whichever comes first.
The TriaNgle
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The Editorial Board
Madame Bluejay Editor-in-Chief
Greek Xpress Managing Editor
Crunchwrap Supreme Features Editor
Leyla & Order Arts & Entertainment Editor
Thing 2
Asst. Sports Editor
Sleepy Sparkles Asst. Production Editor
Mother Mary Marketing Chair
Broke Del Taco News Editor
Mother Mary Asst. Features Editor
Thing 1 Sports Editor
Chungus McGee Production Editor
Chungus McGee Web Editor
Thom Foolery Faculty Advisor
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Quadrangle for this IMPORTANT SATIRE EDITION.
About The Triangle
An annual tradition. The Triangle is a fake newspaper published by the students of Manhattan University. We strive to make fun of the most ridiculous things on campus and the greater community, publishing only once a year in the spring semester. Our goal is always humor, subpar Photoshop skills and smart satire.
The Triangle meets once a year. The opinions expressed in The Triangle most certainly do not reflect the views of Manhattan University in general.
A Letter from the Fart in Charge:
What’s up losers. It’s Madame Bluejay again, back and worse than ever. Thought you could get rid of me? Never. I’m back for round two, and will probably come back for rounds three, four, five and six - actually, I’m running this sh!t until you’re all dead and gone.
What really grinds my gears, aside from you stupid idiots ignoring our publication each week to pay attention to that one that has that weird four-sided name (three is better), is that we’re literally in print. That’s more than that other newsroom can say. Like seriously, it’s not that hard. You just sneak into the Student Engagement office after hours and switch some numbers on a spreadsheet. And boom, we’re as rich as the basketball team. It’s called life-hacking people.
Anyways, we need more members. All we’re looking for is an IQ of 10 and an ability to hold a pencil between your big toes. It’s really not that hard. But I guess after they told people that instead of paying them to work for us they had to start paying me in order to write for us, people were turned off??? Idk what that’s all about, but it needs to stop. Like, now.
In other news, we have another round of mid stories for you this week. Maybe if you muppets would do something interesting, we’d have something good to write about, but no. Step it up.
Don’t look at our website. Don’t even read this issue. It’s too good for you.
But in all seriousness, I hope your JDel iced coffee is warm and someone spits in your Jasper fries <3
Until next time dimwits,
Madame Bluejay Editor-in-Grief
Triangle Personal Ads
Dear Manhattan University Scaffolding, Thank you for being my support during Manhattys, didn’t break my ankle during my fall down the stairs near Hayden because of you. Sincerely, frat guy who simply wanted pancakes at 2am
Dear Manhattys Day Borg, You were the best of times, you were the worst of times. Till next year. Sincerely, Still a bit hungover
Dear Stairway to heaven, You make my calves burn like hell. I live on a fifth floor walk up. Send help. Sincerely, sore
To the guy who used his meal swipes to buy me Zaros, HMU! Running low on money and dignity, need me a free iced coffee and almond croissant before my 3hr history class. Sincerely, broke
Dear elevators on campus, Please stop breaking down every time I have a mental breakdown and am forced to take the stairs, let’s get out of sync <3
To my Bodega guy, No one hypes me up like you. No one can make a chopped cheese like you. Love, 3am drunk girls
Dear roach corpses in Leo, Why must you always be randomly placed around the floor when I walk into the building? Feels like a personal attack in my opinion.
Sincerely, I’m scared, mom come pick me up
Dear Lockes, Why did you have to get good when I started paying off-campus rent? Sincerely, in debt & living off of freezer food
To Ali at Best Deli, If I ever get a job in Manhattan, you best believe I am taking the one all the way up to get sandwiches from you. I will miss you the most.
Sincerely, A senior
Send in YOUR own Triangle Personal Ad! The cost is either $50 million dollars to fix the budget deficit or performing a Mongolian Throat Singing Medley on the quad while jumping rope with the local raccoons.
MU Undergoes Yet Another Name Change With Hopes of
Manhattan. We are not in Man hattan.”
With this new change, some students are expecting greater things from the university. Rumors have been going around that the school’s debt has been fulfilled, and the Chick-Fil-A that was previously promised would be brought to fruition.
“When we went from a college to university, I didn’t expect much change,” student Dixon Yabutt said. “But I have high hopes now. HIGH HOPES. Our name is literally
our cigarettes. What do you want us to do? You have to lift the ban, that is my only request.”
When asked about any real changes the school would go through, the interim president shared some updates. Among them are new dining, housing and tuition options.
“We are so excited for the changes the school’s going through,” Interim President Doof N. Shmirtz said. “After we settled on the name change, we knew we had to have a school that fits the title. I think we got
the brand new housing and tui tion options.
“I checked out the new tuition pricing and everything’s the same, except there’s more options for all the schools with the word ‘prestigious’ in front of the name,” student Yuri Nator said. “Like, you can pay tuition for the School of Engineering or the Prestigious School of Engineering for $50,000 more. And they changed the study rooms on each floor to a single dorm. That’s the new housing option. I heard you’re going to have to knock on other people’s doors to find a bathroom.”
not a lot! Second of all, the extra $50,000 can go towards so many things to help the school. Maybe we get some more scaffolding, or even more stuff for the basketball team– the possibilities are endless!”
Circling back to the new name change, it turns out the school’s newest name might not be its last.
“After I already impressed everyone with the first name change, I knew I had to come up with something big for the next enrollment office brainstorming meeting,” Toris said.
“Manhattan University for Only the Brightest and Bestest Students,” “Manhattan Institute of Success: Failure Denied” and “Manhattan College 2.” These new names won’t be implemented for at least another few months, if at all, according to Toris.
“We just rented out a big sign with ‘Manhattan Institute of Prestigiousness and Education’ on it, so we’re sticking with this name for at least 120 days,” Toris said. “After that, I guess we’ll see if enrollment needs to be brought up again.”
Renald Grenedine Employs 300 Subway Rats to Work as Stand-In Residence Life Employees
Emile Cheddar
Definitely Not a Rat
After much staff inconsistency, Residence Life has finally filled up their office - with rats. Three hundred rats have been recruited off of the subway tracks and into the halls with the goals of decreasing leftover food, room checks and overseeing residents.
After many empty submissions for open positions over the last two years, the office decided to turn to an unconventional form of recruitment in order to fill senior staff.
Renald Grenedine, the director of Residence Life, spoke to The Triangle regarding the decision to hire the rats.
“I just thought it was time to get more staff so we can all be on duty once a year,” Grenadine said. “I also think that if they all stand up on top of each other, they are pretty much equal to six human hires which gets us to a full senior staff. I am particularly interested in hiring them as Resident’s Assistants in the future, so that we can have six of them per floor, rather than the measly
three that we currently have.”
Grenadine went on to share that framed photos of each of the new rats on staff will cover the entirety of the walls in Thomas Hall, from the fifth floor all the way down to Cafe 1853. Within this new role, the rats are particularly excited to conduct unannounced room checks to ensure food cleanliness.
“It is no big challenge for a group like us to take care of,” Rat number two-hundred and sixty-four said. “We can go right in and munch on any crumbs, rappers or leftovers we find unattended. Although, we may have to find a better way to go about these searches, being that residents always seem super nervous and confused, when we are simply trying to help them clean.”
Rat number two-hundred and sixty-four mentioned that they will also be making changes to the Residence Life handbook, looking to prohibit any sticky surfaces or particular traps left for rodents. While some speculate that there are personal reasons behind these changes, the rats ensure that it is for the safety of the residents rather than the staff.
Kristina Lloyd, boss of Renald Grenadine, appears to be on board with the new hires. She believes that they will add a new and unique twist on the Residence Life program.
“I think these new additions will be very impactful to the program Renald and I will be trying to create,” Lloyd said.
“With the amount of rats hired, we will have the ability to run one to two programs a day in each Residence Hall. Additionally, we can get rid of Arimonk, our current cleaning service, because the rats will do it for us instead. They seem to love sifting through the trash shoots for us. We are not sure what
they do with it, but the mess is gone.”
Grenadine encourages any concerned students or parents to visit the one train stations throughout the city to observe the rats’ work ethic. He ensures that they will be a valuable asset to the team.
Local Fraternity Declares their House an Independent Nation
After getting into some hoots with local and federal authorities after their inaugural “GTA-Themed Party,” a local fraternity has submitted their proclamation to secede the United States. Things went slightly off the rails after a pledge, who was instructed to walk around as an NPC for the duration of the party, was randomly assaulted by a brother.
The brother, whose identity has yet to be released, has been taken to X. He explained that he would plead not guilty, given his expectation was to act as he would while playing the popular video game, Grand Theft Auto 5.
“I’ll just run around in the game, then smack the first guy I see,” the brother said. “I’ll rob the next guy and then steal a car to get out of there. Has this judge ever escaped a five-star pursuit? Didn’t think so, your honor.”
Goozma Phi, a former top house of Manhattan University, has been around for years,
dating back to its foundation in 1968. Known for questionable philanthropy events and large sums of debt from unpaid dues, they have become the rebellious type over the past few years. Those rebellious tensions have now peaked, with a Declaration of Independence written to combat a night of one brother’s detainment and a $75 fine.
“We’re sick of feeling like a little man not only on campus, but in this country,” President Chet “Rocker” Ratigoo said. “Land of the Free? Doesn’t feel like it when cops are showing up at 3am for noise complaints. You can’t tell me the neighbors aren’t bopping heads to John Summit and Young Thug.”
One issue the fraternity ran into was through the landlord. Unaware of the fraternity’s wishes to become an independent nation, the landlord of the house made it clear that he will not be renewing the lease.
“Those pledges are running the ‘border’, so it’s quite difficult to get anything done with them,” landlord Rick Boswell said. “I’m pretty sure I am the owner of the house, at least
in the U.S. I don’t really know what’s going on anymore.”
Local authorities are determining their next steps in order to sort out things with the fraternity. Given the border regulations set up by Goozma Phi, police units have set up a border patrol of their own. Any fraternity brothers will not be able to enter the U.S. for the time being. Local police chief, Ray
Malone, said there was only one thing behind this blockade.
“These guys live off beer, man,” Malone said. “I don’t doubt for a second that they got a good amount of kegs ready to go, but those will run out at some point. Once that last keg runs out, I can see them crying to crawl back to the U.S. I was in a fraternity back in my time, and it was a code red emergen-
cy if we ran out of beer at any given moment.”
Only time will tell how much longer the Republic of Goozma will stand, but authorities say they aren’t worried in the least about the house being any more than an annoyance. The fraternity is expected to be kicked off campus when they return to the U.S.
Sir Miles Pediford
Professional Frat Boy
Scandalous or Studious? A Tale of Manhattan University Students
culus textbooks.
Dearest Readers,
It’s no secret that even the coziest and tucked away havens of our very own community have their own scandalous tales to tell. I, your observant and delightful Lady Riverdale, am here to bestow upon you the most delicate morsels of gossip from none other than the green jewel of Riverdale, Manhattan University.
From the outside looking in, it appears to be a place where knowledge flourishes, unrequited messages of love are whispered between library shelves and engineering students question their life choices while staring into their cal-
The most delicate of seasons is upon us, and by that, I mean the anxious, post-midterm era in preparation for finals in May. A time when the vibrant sounds and sights of the quad transform into a battlefield of caffeine-fueled students, all vying for intellectual survival, and for the curve to “come in clutch” at the end of the semester.
It’s quite intriguing to this author that the engineering majors can be found in the Leo Engineering Building hunched over their laptops, muttering to themselves incantations that sound suspiciously like differential equations. Perhaps a coup d’etat is in the works? One must really question what goes on in that communal basement.
Meanwhile, some of the
liberal arts students waltz through their essays with the ease of a debutante at her first ball, while others have been caught sipping on their fourth oat milk latte as they dissect literary theories that have made them hear voices in their head.
The social scene at Manhattan University, dear readers, remains ever so lively, yet a tinge of infamy still looms. The uncouth Jasper the Bear has once again returned, and this author feels he is to blame for the thievery of the nativity animals that once brought Christmas joy to students. Notably his accomplice, the Jasper Juggler, is once again setting off fierce duels for the breakfast sandwiches at Zaro’s and has plagued many students against each other.
But let us not forget the
latest scandal, rumors have arisen that a peculiar society has been discovered in the deepest recesses of O’Malley Library. What, pray tell, is their purpose? In my humble opinion, the green troll guards that are found at the bottom of the library are guardians of the ancient Jasper secrets. Or, are they simply a band of former students once determined to claim the last available study room? Only time will tell, but rest assured, your devoted author shall unearth the truth eventually.
As for matters of the heart, spring break has provided much to discuss. Some say a certain student from the business school was seen teaching Excel shortcuts to a rather distinguished engineering lady, who received his spreadsheet
tips in a most spirited manner. Will this unlikely match flourish, or will it crumble under the weight of conflicting schedules and differing opinions on the superiority of Broadway Joe’s or Goodfellas? One can only hope love triumphs in the end, though history suggests the true romance at Manhattan University is between students and their beloved Dunkin’, or Starbucks, orders.
And so, dear readers, as the semester marches on, remember that nothing, not exams nor the relentless uphill climb to Kelly that quite literally takes your breath away, can deter the spirit of a true Jasper. Stay vigilant, stay caffeinated, and most importantly, stay tuned as Lady Riverdale will always be one step ahead of the next scandal.
Lady Riverdale Real Housewife of Riverdale
Leo Hall Discovery
Eugene Fitz In Space
On Feb. 12 in Leo Hall, there were multiple findings in the building’s mysterious basement levels. The discoveries were made after some codes were punched into the elevator, and it suddenly went down three extra floors. There were rooms filled with old Manhattan College memorabilia, such as hats and old t-shirts, squirrels having meetings and an underground restaurant. The most jarring find was the spaceship in the center of the second floor.
The first floor had no inhabitants, only rooms filled with working projectors, wifi consoles and student desks. Other finds were an old ice cream machine that created vanilla and chocolate swirl soft serve, Manhattan College t-shirts, and even old Manhattan College doormats. Shortly after the discoveries were made, the elevator clicked down one more floor.
There was a group of squirrels that had created a lair under the hall. This allowed for their society to exist in secrecy, only going outside to pretend to be unknowing animals crawling through trees. However, as it was revealed by
many squirrels, their seamless blend into nature was not the reason for their initial arrival. Instead, their reasoning was for the development of the huge spaceship standing in the center of the room. Standing almost 400 feet tall, the entire spaceship was made by the squirrels from scratch. They have been stealing materials like old trash cans and even air conditioners.
Mr. Squirrel, an engineering graduate from the Mammals School of Engineering, discussed the intention for the spaceship. He spoke about how the squirrel colony is looking to find the famous fast food beef restaurant, Be Fill Angus, and hopes the spaceship will allow them to search around easier.
Be Fill Angus specializes in beef sandwiches and their famous waffle fries, a favorite of the squirrels. After a long search at the Manhattan University campus and having found nothing, Mr. Squirrel has decided to search elsewhere with his colony.
“I find it odd,” Mr. Squirrel said. “I have asked every bird, student and faculty member and they said the famous beef restaurant would be here. I guess our directions were slightly off. We’ve only found a coffee place and some Italian food. But we are determined to get this ship into the
atmosphere by the end of the week. We have word the restaurant is on Saturn”.
Mrs. Sciurus Carolinensis, a current liberal arts student at the school of West Andy, discussed her failed attempts of finding alternatives for the famous beef restaurant. Coming up with other food options such as Chicky-Fulls A, a famous duck restaurant, and even vegan options from Luck’s Dining Hall, neither were found.
“We have looked all over and haven’t come close to finding an answer on where the proper food is,” Carolinensis said. “No vegan options or even the famous fast food beef
restaurant. I hope that in years to come that the restaurant comes to Manhattan University, but as for now, us squirrels have to leave.”
After returning, the elevator plunged another three floors. Upon arrival, the doors slightly opened, but not fully and there was a glimpse of red. When a closer look was taken outside the cracked doors, there could be seen a chicken sign that was glowing white, a cow mascot uniform and a glowing sandwich in the middle of the room. The elevators fully opened after a few minutes to reveal a cow walking around the room. The Triangle was unable to get a name, but he
allowed for an interview.
“Moo, I think people should eat more chicken Moo,” the unnamed cow said. “Moo people need to start coming to this restaurant instead, even though there is no way to get here moo.”
After the short interview, the floor had started shaking and the elevator seemed to be going back up so the trip was cut short. Unfortunately upon a second glance, the ability to go back down to the unnamed restaurant was impossible. The whole building had lifted from the ground upon returning back. The squirrels not only made a ship, but it was a ship inside of a ship.
Manhattan University Holds Fizz Panel
A year after its debut, Fizz, an app for college campuses where students can post anonymously, held its first panel at Manhattan University. The only thing different this time – fizzers could now reveal their identities and talk about
their most famous posts.
The event was spearheaded by @thejasperclan on Instagram, and was held in pursuit of an effort to further bonding and unity across the campus community.
“This event was showstopping, truly,” @ thejasperclan said. “I cannot wait to post a poorly crafted infographic regarding the contents of today’s panel, and
then go inactive for another year on my Instagram account.”
Students were able to hold upvote and downvote signs, expressing their opinions on certain matters.
“I felt a rush when I saw the infamous ‘fens throwing tn?’” an anonymous user said. “This fizzer has created so much camaraderie and fellowship amongst my peers and I. We owe them the world [the world being a subpar bacon, egg and cheese from JDel].”
It was noticeable how students’ faces lit up when their beloved fizzees sat down. The intellectual property being passed around this forum was indubitably one for the ages – craftsmanship of the perfect post.
The Triangle was on a mission to find out what exactly makes a Fizz post successful. One could assume it is the lack of punctuation, another could assume it was the mysterious aura surrounding the Fizz bee and the missed opportunity to say, “What’s buzzin?”
We asked Jamie Patterson, a profound, leading
author of Fizz posts, publishing 20 per day, how he manages to push out such eloquent and consistent posts each and every day. His presence on campus has had students ask the question, “How does he do it?”
“Well it’s all about ambiguity,” Patterson told The Triangle. “What group of people will like this? The players, the athletes, the stoners? Then once you narrow down your audience, it’s nirvana from there. It’s not like I exactly care about the content I am producing since it’s anonymous anyway, it’s more about cultivating a conversation. The ones that do really well are the ones for the masses. Every Fizz post I produce, every comment I leave is all for the greater good.”
After reminding Patterson of The Triangle article word limit and politely cutting him off, the event did a tribute to failed Fizz posts.
As Mozart’s “Requiem K. 626: Lacrimosa” jolted through the Hayden 100 speakers, some students wept seeing the fallen. Posts flashed by on the screen.
All with negative downvotes or just stuck at zero.
“Hey! Stop skipping my song Locke’s Radio. Skippy is not fair,” posted a fizzer.
“A tough read,” one comment replied.
“Hot take, but the loaders I let out in the basement Miguel bathroom are radioactive,” another said. Underneath this post was a flagged notice for digital footprint.
“I found blonde hair in my boyfriend’s bed, I have black hair. What should I do?,” a plea for help came from a betrayed partner.
“Open a journal,” a panel attendee replied.
The next panel will be held on Apr. 20, and will be cosponsored by the dispensary on 238 Street that is disguised as a church.
“Happy fizzing Jaspers,” Patterson concluded.
Fizz the Rizz Chronically Online
New BlastsWaterpark Its Way to MU Campus
Angelina Ballerina Ex Waterpark Lifeguard
On March 30, Manhattan University’s Student Engagement announced the arrival of Jasper Waterpark, including five fast-paced waterslides with acceleration unlike anything ever seen in the tri-state region, as promoted on their Instagram. This design, proposed by the Jasper swim and dive team last fall semester, will allow students to travel from the main campus to the southside of Higgins Hall and Leo Hall in three minutes. Construction has already begun for the first slide, connecting the roof of Thomas Hall to a mysterious hole in the ground located to the left of Lee Hall, that appears to be an orange tube.
The Triangle had the opportunity to meet with Larry the Lobster, a Jasper swim and dive coach, to discuss how these slides will make transportation easy for team members and students.
“This new water slide is just the first of a more accessible campus for students,” Lobster said. “Initially, we needed an easier way to slide from VCP [Van Cortlandt Park] back to our dorms before our early classes. Still, upon further research, we realized how beneficial a water slide connecting underground and around campus would be for attendance. Not just for athletes, but also non-athletes.”
Lobster noted that students staying during the summer to take classes will be the first to test out the unnamed orange waterslide upon opening on July 1 of this year.
“We’ve seen workers put the final touches on, and since we are already entering April, it would be best to hold off until the end of this semester before introducing everything to students,” Lobster said. “We’ve noticed the attraction and confusion students passing by the back end of Thomas Hall have had, and we hope our better
communication with the student body in the last few weeks will help clear up any confusion on what that orange tube is meant to be.”
Manhattan University released a statement early Wednesday morning on March 31 regarding the donation from the 2028 Summer Olympics. The Olympics are now set to take place in New York instead of Los Angeles, specifically at the MU campus. This will take place starting from Friday, July 14, 2028, to Sunday, July 30, 2028, with a new sport dedicated to water sliding in the aquatic competition.
One water slide is set to connect students from Miguel’s roof all the way to across the quad to inside of De La Salle; this will be named the “De La Salle Drop”. Another will be connected from the residence halls to Thomas Hall, and will be named the “Go Bronx or Go Home Lazy River”. This will allow students to swim over when they are hungry, instead of worrying about the bridges being opened.
Junior theater and music major, Andrew Garfield told The Triangle that a purple waterslide connecting from Thomas Hall to Smith Auditorium is set to be named the “Riverdale Rush”, which will help students involved in extracurricular activities participate more while still dedicating time to their academics.
“I think waterslides like this will for sure help me want to get up in the morning and swing my way over to class, but extracurriculars all around, not just Players, which I am involved in, will benefit from being able to get to places faster.”
Freshman Nemo Fisher emphasized the importance of the sense of community these waterslides will bring to campus, along with their other benefits, such as promoting student interaction and helping to create lasting memories for everyone involved.
“I’m excited when it gets hot to have somewhere close to
hang out with my friends after classes or during our breaks,” Fisher said. “I love hanging out on the quad when it’s hot,
but what other university do you know that has water slides through connecting buildings? None that I can think of.”
Students will see a $20,000 bill increase in their fall 2025 payment portal to help fund this new Bronx attraction.
Manhattan University Professors Take Over WRCM and Turn it Into a Concert Hall
Crunchwrap Supreme Feet Editor
We Are College Music (WRCM) was once known as Manhattan University’s radio club, but has now been taken over by campus professors who have turned the area into a concert hall. This change was enforced by MU professors who claim that they need a break from their teaching regimen for a while, and instead are finally pursuing what they have felt was always their true calling - creating music.
The unexpected transformation was catalyzed by a number of faculty members from the communication, religious studies and political science departments. The professors each spoke about their journey that got them to where they are now, and described how making music seemed to be the missing piece to their puzzle all along.
Tomato Generically, a professor in the communication department expressed his sincere gratitude for being able to finally put out some beats while still incorporating educational aspects into his music and speaking on topics that are important to him.
“It’s not that I hate teaching, but have you ever dropped a beat and quoted Marshall McLuhan at the same time? Now that’s real power,” Generically said. “You know, they say ‘the medium is the message,’ so I turned that message into a song. Que the soundtrack!”
Generically went on to play his new song titled, “STEM Gets the Love, Comm Gets the Shrug”, a short piece that highlights the superiority complex of the engineering department, while the communication department is almost always getting the short end of the stick.
The song went a little like this:
“They got robots rolling down the hall,
We got a tripod held together by drywall. You got circuits, labs and that cash flow,
I got one dry expo and a room that won’t close.
They say ‘communication is key,’ but they gave STEM the door and the lock, while all we get is some beat-up chalk.
STEM gets the love, comm gets the shrug.
They build with metal, we build with luck.
But who taught your CEO what to say?”
After Generically’s performance, all the other professors applauded with a standing ovation. Not only was the song a banger, but it stirred up hopes for a revolution and change for the mistreatment of the MU communication department.
Brother Roberto Hamburger, a professor of religious studies, was next to showcase his musical talents at the concert hall. Hamburger expressed how his segment will consist
of a mix of gospel music, along with rock and heavy metal. He spoke about his passion for daith and music and how they intertwine.
“I’m still doing the Lord’s work,” Hamburger said. “Just now, with drums, a guitar and some reverb.”
When asked about how music fits into his faith and overall mission, Hamburger expressed how religion has always been expressed through chants, choirs and hymns. He mentioned that he is now just updating the playlist.
“I am hoping my music can draw people closer to their faith,” Hamburger said. “You know, there’s nothing wrong with some hard rock. I mean, let’s be real. Jesus definitely listened to Led Zeppelin. He
would have had ‘Stairway to Heaven’ on vinyl for sure.”
Last but not least to step into the spotlight at the WRCM concert hall was professor of political science, Margarita Groara. Groara attended the radio hall dressed in a blazer covered with “I Voted” stickers all around. Not only that, but she was holding a tambourine in her hand that she claimed to have confiscated from a bald eagle that was sitting on top of the benches outside Miguel Hall.
Groara expressed that her style of music falls under folkpunk with a passive aggressive twist. Her setlist consists of hit song titles such as, “My Syllabus Has More Structure Than This Government”. As she went on to perform, facul-
ty members applauded once again.
Groara went on to speak about the current state of WRCM now that it has been taken over by professors, and is no longer student-run.
“WRCM used to be a student-run station. Then, we took over,” Groara said. “And what would we call that in the real world? A breakdown in checks and balances. However, I don’t think we destroyed democracy here. We just gave it a groovy soundtrack.”
Groara left the stage with a mic drop so loud that it allegedly set off the fire alarm in Thomas Hall. “Till next time!,” the professors all screamed in unison as they rushed out of the building.
farTs & eNTerTaiNmeNT
TheFamousCampusBlackSquirrel TakesOverMU’sBagsandPipes
HoodSquirrel05
Music Critic
Manhattan University’s Bag and Pipes group has finally revealed their secret weapon to having the perfect band - and it’s the infinitely famous black squirrel, Piper! Many were in shock and disbelief that this creature was capable of creating so many different musical elements. No one would have guessed that the black squirrel would be the primary source for the sounds of Bag and Pipes! Yet now, the reason why Piper is spotted frequently around campus is so clear.
Alongside practicing weekly with the band, there were many secret rehearsals scheduled for strictly just Piper. These specific rehearsals took place in the basement of Smith Auditorium quite late at night and were kept very confidential. However, recently these rehearsals seem to be moved to a more discreet location for Piper’s safety. Too many students and faculty members were determined to discover the undisclosed prac-
tice location, eavesdropping and going out of their way to get a glimpse of the magic.
“I was completing my final shift walk around campus by 11:30 pm on Tuesday night when I heard the bagpipes. I found this unusual, as the band only practices on Thursday,” one Public Safety officer shared.
“I then remembered that the squirrel secret had just been released,” the public safety officer continued. “Of course I wanted to try and get a sneak peak! Who wouldn’t? Once I got down there I was shooed away and was chased out of the building by Piper. Haven’t seen or heard these rehearsals ever since.”
Not only has this shocking news spread quickly around campus, but also the world. Many in the music industry have heard about Bag and Pipes’ secret weapon. Record labels, producers and very well known singers and artists have taken an interest.
The Irish singer and former One Direction band member, Niall Horan commented on the band’s surprise.
“Genius,” Horan said. “Who would’ve thought to use a squir-
rel for musical needs? Honestly I wish I thought of the idea first, using such elegant creatures to produce quality sounds. Imagine touring around the world with squirrels.”
MU students recently spotted Ed Sheeran on the local 1 train. After taking their photos and conversing with Sheeran, they asked if he thought the bagpipe playing black squirrel, Piper, was cool. They even were curious to see if Sheeran could play the bagpipes and would be open to a possible collaboration with Piper in the future.
“Just because I’m a ginger
doesn’t mean I know how to play the bagpipes,” Sheeran said. “I play a handful of instruments but that’s not one. I’ve heard about this talented squirrel, it’s insane. Personally I’m a little scared for my career.”
The now world-famous Piper was supposed to make an appearance on the news recently, however didn’t show for the call time. Since Bags and Pipes has shared this information, Piper has been keeping a low profile.
As spring is quickly approaching in the Bronx, students are hoping to catch the
one and only Piper more active around campus. Many are now referring to Piper as their campus celebrity. There have even been a handful of rumors circulating that Piper will be announcing her North American tour for the 2025 summer season. It is unsure if the squirrel will remain a part of the Manhattan University community after the reveal and quick rise to fame. Perhaps, she will move onto bigger and better gigs now that her talents are well known and wanted by a handful of famous performers.
Do Bandaids Fix Bullet Holes After All?
Nils Lorens Tortured Poet
MU Players will be facing bad blood in The Black Box theatre for the next few weeks as their newest members come together to collaborate for an upcoming performance. The only issue? Both parties were unaware who they would be collaborating with.
Fresh off her tour of the century, Taylor Swift herself will be joining Players, assisting members with writing, directing, as well as with special behind-the-scenes production tips from her own experience in the industry. However, she’s all too well acquainted with the other half of her dynamic duo and newest Players member, Kanye West. West will also be helping with the production part of the performance. The Triangle has the inside scoop on the new team and what we can look forward to as the two come together.
Tree Paine, a senior English major and Players executive board member, is the director for the performance and commented on the unlikely collaboration, after cutting
The Triangle off mid-sentence several times.
“Imma let you finish but… Manhattan University has one of the best theater programs of all time,” Paine said. “Taylor just couldn’t stay away. Kanye was a last minute addition and the fans seem to be really excited for it. We’ll see how much he can add to her artistry. Some may say you can’t outdo the doer. She also mentioned interest in a collaboration with the members of the student run magazine Lotus, citing Editor-in-Chief Fashion McFancypants as her number one inspiration for her upcoming album, which is yet to be announced. I talked to Kim about this and she was adamant about staying off the record. Kris is excited.”
Rider Bunny is a senior English major, as well as a major swiftie. After seeing Swift at the Eras Tour over five times, Bunny couldn’t believe it when Players announced Swift’s impending arrival to campus.
“I didn’t even realize she was actually coming to campus,” Bunny said. “I’ll be barricading the front row of The Black Box, trust me. I know a Reputation TV teaser when I see one. I just hope somebody, and I won’t name names, lets her speak this time. It’s obvious
Taylor and Kanye are dropping their weapons for this collaboration. I know Taylor wouldn’t want to bring a knife to a gunfight. The public can call this what they want.”
Taylor was inspired by brat and decided to “work it out” on the remix with Kanye. The tensions in the studio during the first couple days were thick enough to cut with a knife, but they’re putting their differences aside to create a historic moment. Taylor has had these lyrics set up and close sources are saying it’s the new reputation leading single.
The Triangle collected plenty of comments from Taylor about different eras of her life and career. Fearless Taylor thinks this is a horrible idea and would very much like to be excluded from this narrative. 1989 Taylor says she’s gearing up for her upcoming collaboration with Calvin Harris. Reputation Taylor is angry.
Although there are many different opinions on the new dynamic duo on campus, the air is filled with excitement as the MU community prepares for the performance of a lifetime.
Although this was an unexpected partnership, this union will long live as an iconic mo-
ment in history for campus.
The Triangle was also informed that Charlie Puth may be making a guest appearance.
After several long emails sent to his agent, Puth commented on the rumors.
“I still can’t believe she gave me a shoutout in The Tortured Poets Department,” Puth said. “I’m excited to help with the production and final performance in any way possible. Thanks again, Taylor!”
Manhattan Builds Multi-Billion Dollar Stadium After Anonymous Donation
Jock Taittinger
Pro Ball Juggler
The announcement of a multi-billion dollar stadium being built over Gaelic Park following a $3 billion donation from an esteemed alumni is a game-changer for Manhattan University and the surrounding community. This development promises state-of-the-art facil-
ities, increased revenue and a new era of sports and entertainment for the Bronx.
A $3 billion donation is an unprecedented gift that could elevate Manhattan University’s reputation and athletic programs. A modern stadium would attract top-tier talent, enhance recruitment and create a venue capable of hosting major sporting events, concerts and other entertainment. The revenue is expected to go directly into MU’s athletics programs and will not deal with the other operating deficits the college
faces. Already, plans for the new field/stadium hybrid has attracted the interest of superstars including Kendrick Lamar, Bad Bunny, The Weeknd and more.
Beyond athletics, a new stadium could provide economic growth for the community. Local businesses, including a Jasper-themed McDonalds and Brother Jasper-run coffee shop would benefit from increased foot traffic. Not only that, but job opportunities would arise during construction and stadium operations, leading to more
student work-study opportunities. If designed and built carefully, this stadium could also incorporate student-focused facilities, such as study lounges directly over mid-field and communal meeting spaces in the locker rooms.
“This is all really exciting,” Brother Jasper said, after drinking many espressos from his newly opened coffee shop. “Words can’t even begin to describe how excited I am. Not only will the new stadium benefit a number of the sports programs here at Manhattan
University, but it will also benefit the community as well.”
The new stadium’s construction would also have a significant impact on the local neighborhood. While economic benefits may come, so too could challenges, such as increased traffic, noise pollution and higher property costs.
“Those noisy, annoying, loud, highly-obnoxious Jaspers have me down at the precinct on a daily basis as it is,” Stubborn Oldy said. “All day every day, I’m filing police reports. I mean, it’s almost like they want people like me to move out.”
While an upgraded facility might increase school pride, some students and faculty feel that $3 billion could be better spent on academic improvements, scholarships, or other campus facilities.
“I’m just a little confused as to why the new administration decided to go through with these plans,” Filo Miverso said. “In my opinion, renovations to Gaelic Park weren’t necessary. Why spend $3 billion on a brand-new stadium when you could get rid of multiple majors and fire beloved professors? Why spend $3 billion on a project that isn’t going to benefit you financially? It just doesn’t make much sense to me.”
Ultimately, this transformation is a significant moment for Manhattan University and the Bronx as a whole.
“This is one of the best things to ever happen to this university,” Father Don confirmed with The Triangle. “I’m so glad we were able to get this finalized. The students deserve it, the faculty deserves it, the Bronx deserves it and New York City as a whole deserves it.”
Pickleball Renamed Picklejar After New MU Team Confuses Game Rules
Tragedy struck for Manhattan University’s newly introduced Division I Pickleball team after their first match on Tuesday, March 25. Campus
was in good spirits when the new team was announced last fall. Practices commenced, uniforms and gear were ordered and delivered, and everyone was ready for their upcoming season. However, jerseys and paddles weren’t the only things ordered for the impending first match.
Manhattan University hires
only the best for their athletic teams. Coach Claussen Grillo was extremely excited to accept his position as head coach. Grillo is not only the face behind the Claussen and Grillo Pickle brands, but took home two bronze medals and one silver medal for the USA Pickleball team after competing in the 1996, 2000, and 2004 Olympic
Games.
“The pickles I tried in Greece during the 2004 Olympic Games really inspired some of the flavors we sell today,” Grillo said. “I’ll never forget the day I tried them. The silver medal around my neck from the Pickleball match was the icing on top of the cake. A truly unforgettable trip.”
Grillo’s excitement quickly diminished when he showed up to the team’s first game and was faced with a locker room full of eager players accompanied by 30 large boxes. Upon opening the boxes, Grillo discovered jars of pickles. Many, many jars of pickles. Not only did everyone on the team think Pickleball was a game that consisted of chucking glass jars at the heads of other players, but they also spent the rest of the yearly budget on the order.
“While I’m glad they at least had the mind to order Grillo and Claussen brand pickles, you couldn’t imagine the waste,” Grillo told The Triangle. “Not only was my entire family’s history broken on the court’s floor, but I’m now facing several lawsuits for aiding and abetting the team after they threw glass jars and injured the players on the other team. My name is ruined. There were so many pickles just lying on the ground. I’ve never seen anything like it. I have no idea what they were thinking. We’ve held practices. They should know how to play the game. I don’t know where this came from. Two bronze medals and one silver medal for nothing.”
The Triangle had the opportunity to talk to Olive Vlasic, a sophomore studying chemistry, after the match. He was a starter during the first game.
“This is all so terrible,” Vlasic said. “If I’m being honest,
Coach spent most of practice talking about his experiences competing at the Olympics, his wins, his college years, and the pickled produce in Greece? We didn’t spend a lot of time on the techniques. This was all a big misunderstanding. I hope the other team gets better. At least the pickles we ordered were his family’s brand?”
The Triangle also had the opportunity to talk to one of the players on the other team as the EMTs were walking him to the ambulance, Dill McClure III. McClure, a junior marketing major at Dietz and Washington University, comes from a long line of Pickleball champions and was extremely excited to begin his third collegiate season.
“I honestly blacked out the entire situation after the first jar was thrown at my teammates’ head,” McClure said. “In what universe would they think Pickleball meant using actual pickle jars as weapons? The weirdest part was the fact that they had paddles and balls with them? I think I have a concussion so I’m not sure if I imagined that part, actually. All I remember was their coach screaming something about a bronze and silver medal and pickles from Greece? Everything else is really blurry.”
The MU Division I Pickleball Team is currently out for the rest of the season as they await upcoming court dates. The Triangle has confirmed that all players who sustained injuries will make a full recovery. The MU players will be working in the Grillo’s pickle factory to pay the school back for the budget money spent solely on jars of pickles.
Nils Lorens Pickle Enthusiast