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the 41st april fool’s day satirical edition
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YOUR STIMULUS CHECK
Esteemed Alum Rudy Giuliani ‘65 Announced as Class of 2022 Commencement Speaker Reed Porter
Former White House Correspondent for The Quadrangle Manhattan College has announced that Rudy Giuliani ‘65 has been chosen to give the commencement address at the graduation ceremony for the class of 2022. Since his time at Manhattan and following a stint as mayor of New York City that left him dubbed “America’s Mayor,” Giulini has entered what TikTok teens would call his “villain era,” working as former president Donald Trump’s personal lawyer and building a sort of anti-resume ranging from revealing his private text conversations in television interviews to promoting election fraud conspiracies. Not to be outdone by New York University’s announcement that Grammy-award winning singer-songwriter Taylor Swift would address graduating students, the college reached out to Giuliani, who has recently dipped his toe into the entertainment industry. The former Jasper is fresh off his boundary-pushing performance in the Oscar-nominated “Borat Subsequent Moviefilm,” and is rumored to have an attention-grabbing run on the cur-
rent season of the Emmy-nominated competition program, “The Masked Singer.” Swift will speak at Yankee Stadium, where NYU’s commencement ceremony is to take place. Giuliani will address graduating Jaspers via a pre-recorded Cameo message, from a location his representative
described as “between an adult video store and a local landscaping company.” The Quad spoke to Giuliani’s representative, who identified themselves as “Jessica Johnson…berg…son” but sounded suspiciously like Giuliani with his voice pitched up, about the unique choice in
location. “I feel — I mean, Mr. Giuliani feels that it’s sort of his thing now,” said Johnsonbergson. “Everyone loved it when he did it the first time, I mean did you see it on Twitter? It was everywhere on Twitter. So it’s his thing now, his schtick, and everyone loves it.” Johnsonbergson also addressed Giuliani’s choice to send a Cameo message, rather than appear in person. “We tried to organize it, but it was difficult. First they had it in New Jersey— why was it in New Jersey? It’s not New Jersey College, it’s Manhattan College. You’re already not in Manhattan, now you’re taking it out of the state? We hear something about it being on the moon, too. Anyways, next we hear, commencement is on the moon. So we decided the easiest thing to do would be Cameo. Prices start at 325 dollars,” mentioned Johnsonbergson. The graduating class has expressed strong opinions about the choice of speaker. “You know they had Sonia Sotomayor speak at graduation in 2019?” said senior Emily Brady. “Like from the Supreme Court! I’m pretty sure Rudy Giuliani isn’t even allowed to practice law in the state of New York anymore, like, how is this acceptable?” Brady, along with some
other graduating seniors, is considering boycotting the ceremony due to her feelings towards Giuliani. However, some, like senior Carl Thomas, have made the decision to attend. “I thought about not going, like, due to the whole lying about the election and insurrection thing,” said Thomas. “But then I thought about it, and I was like, ‘Man, that guy says some weird stuff, and I wanna be there when it happens.’ Plus, my mom would be so mad if I didn’t walk.” Administrators appear to be working overtime to respond to the controversial decision. When contacted for comment, President O’Donnell responded in a single-line email. “James Patterson was not available,” he wrote. As for the content of Giuliani’s speech, it’s anyone’s guess. However, Johnsonbergson said that Giuliani wanted to leave students with advice they would never forget. “Mr. Giuliani wants them to remember the little things in life, because those are the important things,” she said. “Like always value friends and family — they can make a great alibi someday. And always keep at least one burner phone. Two or three would be ideal. And most importantly, never admit anything.”