“don’t do. we’re in a panorama”
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the 41st april fool’s day satirical edition
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YOUR STIMULUS CHECK
Esteemed Alum Rudy Giuliani ‘65 Announced as Class of 2022 Commencement Speaker Reed Porter
Former White House Correspondent for The Quadrangle Manhattan College has announced that Rudy Giuliani ‘65 has been chosen to give the commencement address at the graduation ceremony for the class of 2022. Since his time at Manhattan and following a stint as mayor of New York City that left him dubbed “America’s Mayor,” Giulini has entered what TikTok teens would call his “villain era,” working as former president Donald Trump’s personal lawyer and building a sort of anti-resume ranging from revealing his private text conversations in television interviews to promoting election fraud conspiracies. Not to be outdone by New York University’s announcement that Grammy-award winning singer-songwriter Taylor Swift would address graduating students, the college reached out to Giuliani, who has recently dipped his toe into the entertainment industry. The former Jasper is fresh off his boundary-pushing performance in the Oscar-nominated “Borat Subsequent Moviefilm,” and is rumored to have an attention-grabbing run on the cur-
rent season of the Emmy-nominated competition program, “The Masked Singer.” Swift will speak at Yankee Stadium, where NYU’s commencement ceremony is to take place. Giuliani will address graduating Jaspers via a pre-recorded Cameo message, from a location his representative
described as “between an adult video store and a local landscaping company.” The Quad spoke to Giuliani’s representative, who identified themselves as “Jessica Johnson…berg…son” but sounded suspiciously like Giuliani with his voice pitched up, about the unique choice in
location. “I feel — I mean, Mr. Giuliani feels that it’s sort of his thing now,” said Johnsonbergson. “Everyone loved it when he did it the first time, I mean did you see it on Twitter? It was everywhere on Twitter. So it’s his thing now, his schtick, and everyone loves it.” Johnsonbergson also addressed Giuliani’s choice to send a Cameo message, rather than appear in person. “We tried to organize it, but it was difficult. First they had it in New Jersey— why was it in New Jersey? It’s not New Jersey College, it’s Manhattan College. You’re already not in Manhattan, now you’re taking it out of the state? We hear something about it being on the moon, too. Anyways, next we hear, commencement is on the moon. So we decided the easiest thing to do would be Cameo. Prices start at 325 dollars,” mentioned Johnsonbergson. The graduating class has expressed strong opinions about the choice of speaker. “You know they had Sonia Sotomayor speak at graduation in 2019?” said senior Emily Brady. “Like from the Supreme Court! I’m pretty sure Rudy Giuliani isn’t even allowed to practice law in the state of New York anymore, like, how is this acceptable?” Brady, along with some
other graduating seniors, is considering boycotting the ceremony due to her feelings towards Giuliani. However, some, like senior Carl Thomas, have made the decision to attend. “I thought about not going, like, due to the whole lying about the election and insurrection thing,” said Thomas. “But then I thought about it, and I was like, ‘Man, that guy says some weird stuff, and I wanna be there when it happens.’ Plus, my mom would be so mad if I didn’t walk.” Administrators appear to be working overtime to respond to the controversial decision. When contacted for comment, President O’Donnell responded in a single-line email. “James Patterson was not available,” he wrote. As for the content of Giuliani’s speech, it’s anyone’s guess. However, Johnsonbergson said that Giuliani wanted to leave students with advice they would never forget. “Mr. Giuliani wants them to remember the little things in life, because those are the important things,” she said. “Like always value friends and family — they can make a great alibi someday. And always keep at least one burner phone. Two or three would be ideal. And most importantly, never admit anything.”
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The Editorial Board
Kyla Tinfoil Editor-in-Chief Into the Woods Managing Editor
Jo-Ann Babrics Managing Editor
Nick Pole Frick-Simmons News Editor
Angelina Ballerina Asst. News Editor
Megan Parker Arts & Entertainment Editor
Zoey 101 Asst. Arts & Entertainment Editor
Jillian Ferret Features Editor
Karens Inc. Asst. Features Editor
Cherry McBarfy Sports Editor
Lauren Rats-Iano I-Is-A Fartsio Asst. Sports Editor
Kentucky Fried Chicken Social Media Editor
Josh Peck Asst. Social Media Editor
International Space Station Photography Editor
Adrion Butt-0 Production Editor
Joswhaylen Visor Mack and Cheese Asst. Production Editors
Sh!tsnov Lurraspberry Web Editors
Santa Clause Faculty Advisor
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Quadrangle for this IMPORTANT SATIRE EDITION. (For the normal Issue 10, visit page 13)
About The Triangle An annual tradition. The Triangle is a fake newspaper published by the students of Manhattan College. We strive to make fun of the most ridiculous things on campus and the greater community, publishing only once a year in the spring semester. Our goal is always humor, subpar Photoshop skills and smart satire. The Triangle meets once a year. The opinions expressed in The Triangle most certainly do not reflect the views of Manhattan College in general.
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THE TRIANGLE
LETTER FROM THE HEAD CHEDDAR For some reason my writers have been telling me that our articles haven’t been getting as many views online. What is that all about???????????? Don’t you know how many hours we put into this thing???? At least one, that’s for sure. Listen, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be aggressive, I just think you all are stupid. Like, we make a Triangle for you every week, and you’re not going to read it?????? Don’t you know what other schools would do to get a top tier publication like this running? Like, seriously, it’s embarrassing. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter if you guys even read our stuff because we don’t even care. So, yeah, good try trying to beat us at our own game. I really just am doing this so that I can tell my roommate I have work to do so I don’t have to hang out with her. So as long as that’s working, I’m really okay with you idiots doing whatever you want. Still, I think you are being big, fat stupid heads for not reading our stuff. That’s just my opinion. Okay, whatever, that’s enough for me this week. I hope you get food poisoning from Locke’s. Sincerely, Kraft Mac N Cheeser Editor-in-Chef
Triangle Personal Ads For the Shamrocks store on Broadway; Do you really think all of your customers from New Jersey and over 21?
MISSED CONNECTIONI saw you drop your ice coffee down the stairway of heaven and just glance up at the sky, you kinda looked pretty with that brown stain running down you. Hmu if you want a refund, jdeli worker Dear male civil engineering majors, Please shut up about how difficult your classes are. You chose this life. Please stop mansplaining your assignments to non-majors. Sincerely, All Other Majors <3
dear boy with navy sheets, i don’t regret leaving when i got to ur room and saw you slept on the top bunk. From, girl saturday after fens.
Dear Lockes Dining Hall, I have gotten food poisoning 3 times this semester. My IBS is out of controll, and my toilet barely sunctions. Please consider better produce.
dear frat bro, thank you so much for returing my underwear. I appreciate you going the extra mile to seal it in a plastic baggy. While I don’t plan on seeing you again, maybe theres a chance for one of your other brothers.
Dear Leo Hall 333, I sweat bullets and cannot pay attention in class. Please fix the air conditioning. xoxo, COMM 213
To the women’s basketball team, I love you girls, you guys are the best basketball team and I am so proud of you for making it to the finals #nexttimewedominate
To the blonge girl who ordered a bean and cheese burrito at Tex Mex last Thursday at 1:08pm: I will be waiting for you every Thursday at 1pm by Tex Mex for the rest of the semester. Sincerely, Boy with Brown Hair wearing a red DKE hoodie
Send in YOUR own Triangle Personal Ad! The cost is either $6.9 million dollars to fix the budget deficit or performing a Mongolian Throat Singing Medley on the quad while jumping rope with the local raccoons.
APRIL 5, 2022
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THE TRIANGLE
C-Block Turns Into Five-Star Gourmet Restaurant Gordon Ramsey
No Really, Gordon Ramsey Chrysostom Hall will soon begin demolition while plans are in place to replace the amazing dorm with a new American-style restaurant. Demolition began on April 1, with a wrecking ball attached to the Manhattan College TV van. Last week, the name of the restaurant was revealed to be Unlocke’s Tavern. This five-star restaurant is part of a chain of restaurants at Manhattan College. The Quadrangle spoke to head chef and Manhattan alum Bobby Flay about what the restaurant will be able to offer students at Manhattan College. “This restaurant will be like no other restaurant on any college campus,” Flay said. “Unlocke’s will have a gourmet buffet style, sushi station and a section of the restaurant where you are able to sit down and grab a menu to enjoy either breakfast, lunch or dinner.” One of the main things that this restaurant is going to pro-
Real Images of Lockes Food
mote is Beef Wellington. Flay has always felt that his recipes can always compare to another famous chef, Gordon Ramsey. “I have always felt like I could make better food than Ramsey,” Flay said. “I have seen some of his recipes on television shows and thought that I could always do better than at. Another thing that is also flaming my anger with Ramsey is that he is an Iona and Fordham alum. They do not call his rivalries, rivalries for nothing.” Flay also made emphasis on one point which was that it would only be for Manhattan College students and not their families. This piece of information has brought joy to many students on campus. Junior Ben Bacetone spoke about how he felt about who was able to eat at Unlockes. “Overall, I am very happy about the restaurant being opened to only Manhattan students,” Bacetone said. “I am very happy because I will not need to have my parents nagging me about who is gonna pay. Do they not know that I am a broke college student?”
Senior June Froth is not as emphatic about the move as Bacetone was. “What was Manhattan
thinking about allowing this move,” Froth said. “It is my last year at Manhattan and I want my parents to be able to experience everything that they are able to because there has not been a lot on campus that they have not seen. Being able to have an actual five-star restaurant on campus and my parents not being able to experience it just will not sit right with me.” After conducting a survey amongst the student body, 77 percent of the student body approved of the rules in place for the restaurant, while 33 percent disapproved of the move. In the student survey, a common theme amongst why students disapproved of the restaurant was because of the sentimental value that some students had while their time living in what students call “C-Block.”
A student who would like to remain anonymous said that living in C-Block was like living in a hotel where service was like no other, but he was excited to see what the restaurant could bring in. With this new addition to campus, the admissions officer expects a boost of about a 123 percent increase in admissions. Director of undergraduate admissions, Virginia Alpha, spoke on what she expects with the creation of Unlockes. “This is a very good look for our school,” she said. “After my staff and I did some research we expect an over 100 percent increase in applications for the fall semester. The word around campus regarding Unlockes has been very positive and we expect the same from prospective students.”
APRIL 5, 2022
OPINIONS THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR
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An Updated Ranking of Best Places to Poop on Campus Shitologist Health Services Everybody poops. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Especially after a delicious lunch consisting of a bean and cheese burrito from tex mex and a large iced coffee, it’s no surprise that you may find yourself in urgent need of a place to do your business. When nature calls, you answer. But where? Fear not! The Triangle has you (and your behind) covered. Here is our ranking of top 5 places to drop some plops on campus. 5. Kelly Gym Bathrooms Sometimes, getting your blood flowing with a good workout makes other things start flowing too. The locker rooms in the Kelly Commons Gym are cleaned frequently and allow you to do your business and return to pumping iron with ease. While a solid bathroom option, this location comes in at #5 due to the fact that it is typically crowded with gym-goers, so it’s unlikely you’ll have complete peace and privacy while doing your duty. 4. Smith Auditorium Holy $#*! indeed. At number 4, the bathroom in Smith Auditorium. As long as you don’t mind the possibility of some musical accompaniment, let the sounds of the church relax your body as you lighten your load. 3. Higgins, 2nd Floor With a building that is basically made out of money, this bathroom is the perfect spot for those million-dollar poops. We ranked this location at number 3 because this appears to already be a popular location, these bathrooms are clean and well lit with a modern look. 2. Miguel Hall, Bottom Floor At number 2, the bathrooms on the bottom floor of Miguel have a room separate from the bathrooms where you can sit and enjoy some quiet before heading back to class. These little lounges are good for group trips to the bathroom or breaks in between (or during) classes. 1. Leo Hall, All Gendered Bathroom Coming in at the number 1 top place to poop on campus, we have the All Gendered Bathroom in Leo Hall. As part of the Leo/Higgins renovations, this bathroom is comfortable and clean. Being that it is a singular room with only one throne, this is a private and relaxed location for Jaspers to enjoy a stress-free bathroom break experience.
JASPER M.A.S.H.
The Triangle Staff knows all. Predict your future by choosing a number between 3-9. Then cross out the option you land on until there is only one left. Play with different color pens to predict the future for your friends. Beware, you may be surprised how incredibly serious and accurate your results are.
HOUSE: -C-Block -Loft Apartment on the Upper West Side -Box floating down the Hudson River -Apartment in the 6th floor of -Overlook Manor
SPOUSE: -Your middle school sweetheart -Brother Jasper -Coach Steve Masiello -(former) President O’Donnell -Bhad Baby PET: -The bunny that’s always on the Quad -6 golden retrievers -A raccoon -Roaches NUMBER OF KIDS: -2 -10 -0 kids… 5 dogs
CAREER: -Bronx Zoo Worker -Chemical Engineer -Insta Bhaddie -Professor at Manhattan College -Exotic Dancer CAR: -Bike -The 1 train -Your feet because you live in the Bronx -Mario Kart LOCATION: -The Bronx -The Bronx -The Bronx (because why be anywhere else) -The Long Island Bermuda Triangle BEST FRIEND: -Your freshman year roommate -Jack Harlow -Steve Masiello -The Worst Rated MC Professor Provost Stephen Schriener
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THE TRIANGLE
Lasallian Police Force Joins Campus Dexter Bond Actual Criminal
In the wake of Manhatty’s Day, Manhattan College administration has ruled that the MC Jaspers have “lost their Lasallian vibes.” Therefore, the school is implementing, effective immediately, a Lasallian Police Force to patrol the campus and its students to ensure that everyone is remaining as Lasallian as possible at all times. The squad will be made up of six primary members: a chief brother, two nuns — rumored to be armed with yard sticks — and three student spies. The Triangle spoke with some of the members of the squad to get the inside scoop. Chief Brother Stickler, who’s primarily in charge of the MCLPF has been pitching the idea to the school since the incident regarding the jukebox at Fenwicks Sports Bar occurred a few weeks ago. He expressed concern with the level of Lasallianism the school is at right now. “From what I can tell, students have stopped praying all together,” Stickler said. “No one is at church services on the weekend anymore. They’re all out at speakeasies and discotheques shaking their butts and sinning.” Stickler expressed that his
primary concern was students’ lack of faith in the presence of God and quality education, as the number of students attending classes has gone down. In order to ensure these two concerns are being addressed, Stickler has assigned different missions to his squad. “Right now Sister Fist and Sister Hammer are in charge of monitoring students’ level of faith,” Stickler said. “They’ve come up with some really clever ideas.” In order to ensure students are feeling the presence of God, Sister Hammer and Fist have been putting up cardboard cutouts of God and Jesus all across campus with inspirational messages. “This was my idea,” Sister Fist said. “We did a similar tactic when I was at the nunnery and it really worked. I even found people were talking to the cutouts, praying and asking questions.” However, so far students have been mostly stealing the cutouts, defaming them and using them to sled down the hill in Brust Park. One of the cutouts was even spotted in the entrance to Majestic and another in the first train car of the 1 train. “Obviously we’ve had some setbacks,” Sister Fist said. “But when you’re fighting against sin you’re always going to face
setbacks. I’ll just keep making the posters and the students will get the right idea.” Another part of Chief Stickler’s plan involves enforced classroom attendance. This has been done in tandem with his student spies whose job is to hunt down anyone not present for class. The student body of Manhattan College has not
been happy about this. One student complained that he was tackled for being caught in the Broadway Rite Aid instead of in class. “I was sick that day. I had emailed my professor and everything,” Chet Allen said. “I just went to the store to get cold medicine when I rounded an aisle and a man dressed head
to toe in green tackled me.” The student complaint has been reported to administration but nothing has yet been done to remedy the situation. “We’ve been extremely productive so far,” Stickler said. “We’ve caught 10 students skipping class and brought them to justice. I think we’re going to make a real difference.”
Graduates Shoot for the Moon Banana As the age-old adage goes, graduates are encouraged to
‘shoot for the moon’ as they hope to follow their dreams. In an unexpected email sent by the Provost, he took this quite literally as the location of grad-
uation has been moved to the moon. This will be the second time that graduation has been moved this year. In an email, the Provost wrote in great length explaining this unusual decision. “Manhattan College has always emphasized experiencing the uncommon and that is exactly what we are providing the class of 2022 with,” the Provost wrote. “The college is done dealing with the political nonsense of Earth, so the Moon was an easy choice.” Given the interesting history of the college, this bizarre decision was not unexpected. The college is prone to nonsensical decision-making. As per usual, the announcement has stirred some questions. However, the provost included a “Frequently Asked Question” section in the email. The first question answered questions regarding transportation. “As usual, you can entrust in our planning to ensure that we can get you there in one piece. However, that is not the case. You will have to arrange your own transportation,” wrote the
Provost. The Quadrangle spoke to Neil Armstrong during a seance via the Ouija board. “Graduation is WHERE?!?” spelled Armstrong. “That’s one small step for man, one stupid leap for Jaspers,” spelled Armstrong. The college is aware of the criticism and encourages it. Administration was adamant that the location cannot be changed for a third time as the “contract has already been signed.” Another common question regarding graduation fees has also been raised. “Since the moon is hot real estate at the moment, graduation fees will increase and students are expected to make up the difference. We are working on the conversion rate between U.S. dollars and moon money. As of now, it is looking like the cost should be approximately $1,000,000. Additionally, space suits will be the responsibility of the student,” wrote the Provost. Students are advised to visit NASA.org to purchase their suits. Jasper green moon shoes will be required to walk across the moon stage. This has caused quite the
stir on campus. “Honestly I am not surprised the college is going ahead on this,” Elliot Thomas, who is set to graduate in the moon commencement, said. “It is what it is.” Other students are excited for this opportunity. A senior who goes by the nickname E.T. was delighted. “E.T. phone home,” said E.T. In the email, the school also announced that students should expect to see men in black around campus. The Quadrangle got an exclusive interview with some of those men. Unfortunately, our staff remembers none of it except a bright flash of light. The Provost declined an interview as did the rest of the administration. The Quadrangle is unsure if it is possible to have staff members travel to report on the event. Aside from budget cuts that the paper has faced, the entirety of The Quadrangle staff has a severe fear of heights. This is a developing story that the Quadrangle will continue to report on.
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APRIL 5, 2022
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Riverdale “Rises” as Student Run Weed Dispensary Arrives to Jasper Hall Cheech Chong Food Reviewer
Recreational weed was recently legalized in New York City and with this a rise in use across the country as a result Manhattan College is getting in the game. Jasper Greens recently opened a shop in Jasper Hall
room 420 and 421, and is run by a three student team. Bud Greens, long time stoner and weed advocate, is the brains of the operations and the money man behind their operation. “It came to me in a dream,” Greens said, “I fell asleep after the sesh next to a box of CheezIts and Oreos, I woke up the next morning and realized that
we needed a more functional, day-to-day weed.” Jasper Greens was inspired to create strains that wouldn’t leave students munchy and out of it but would instead boost their productivity. “By mixing the seeds in with coffee beans, our smokers are virtually unstoppable,” Greens said.
All plants are locally grown within the confines of the school’s campus. “We were tired of the mainstream, industrialized weed that big business has been pushing into our pipes,” said the grower for Jasper Greens, who preferred to remain anonymous, going only by the name MaryJane. “We’re really getting back to basics here with our product, nothing is mass produced. We grow everything in the 4x4 closet in my dorm — it’s really slowed production.” Despite this, Jasper Greens is steadily growing in popularity all across campus with some students creating fan pages for the brand. “We’re shocked by how into our brand people are,” Greens said. “People I don’t even know dap me up on my way to class, it’s sick.” Thanks to Jasper Greens, students may now stomach Locke’s dining thanks to MC exclusive strains such as Quadrangle Kush, Kelly Green and GrandDraddy Purple. These new strains are gaining mass popularity on campus, with a recent study showing that 60 percent of the weed being smoked on the Manhattan College campus comes from Jasper Greens. As a result, the school has seen an increase in productivity but an overall in-
crease in smoking. However, it wouldn’t be without Blaze Smoke that the brand has gained such wide publicity. Smoke is the Public Relations intern for Jasper Greens, working mostly in expansion and dealings. He explained that his primary tactic involves handing out free weed at parties and hanging out at the gazebo behind Jasper. “It’s a solid plan for the most part,” Smoke said. “Kids are always sitting in the gazebo at night and usually need bud.” Smoke explained that while there has been difficulties with rival businesses, they are not yet deterred. “Some other dealers have been trying to compete with us but no one beats our price and quality, it’s literally insane,” Smoke said. The three plan to keep their business going until they are able to shut down or open a legit store front. “Everyone’s into what we’re doing, so why should we stop?” Smoke said. That’s just what Jasper Greens has done. They plan to grow their empire on campus as much as they can. “We’re gonna leave a legacy at this school for sure,” Greens said.
Jasper Nation (Taylor’s Version) Code Red Swiftie
The Jasper Swifties, Manhattan College’s first Taylor Swift Fan Club, has already started buzzing around the campus. Having only starting up officially a few weeks ago, they welcome and encourage those who consider themselves Swifties or even those who like to hum her hits while walking to class to come and try to debunk the real reason why Jake Gyllenhaal transferred to Manhattan College and still hasn’t given Taylor back her red scarf despite now being in the same city as her. This club claims to be attempting to find the answers everyone, including Taylor, has been searching for. Also known as The Jasper Swifties, this club offers multiple opportunities for students who have heard a few of her hits to come together and enjoy her voice. While this is the club’s first year, they have already held various successful workshops in Smith auditorium and Kelly Commons, where their meetings are located. Although there is not too much evidence as to what ex-
actly happens when you go to these workshops and sign up to become a member, the location is the only thing leaked. Taylor Lautner is a freshman communication major and spoke with the Triangle about what he thought of the up-andcoming club. “I live in Jasper and pass by the Triangle at night on my way back to my dorm,” Lautner said. “I thought they were casting spells or something the way they were all dancing around blasting All Too Well (10 Minute Version) while scribbling down Jake’s name line after line. Honestly, they give me the creeps … I have seen a few of them stare at me during lectures … Is this being put into the paper?” Lautner refused to comment after that. The club is currently led by Tom Holland, a sophomore digital media arts major, who is also Gyllenhaal’s roommate in Horan Hall. “I have been a Swiftie ever since her Reputation era,” Holland said. “We have a lot of events planned for the student body of Manhattan, and we are excited to share them all and have others enjoy Taylor’s mu-
sic as we do.” Buzz has been going around the Manhattan College campus about Springfest 2022 and how excited the students are for the return. Now, due to the Taylor Swift club, there are talks of Taylor being the performer at Springfest 2023. “We already are in contact with Taylor’s manager,” Holland continued. “We feel if she can speak at NYU, she can for
sure perform at Manhattan College!” Earlier this week, news spread to Gyllenhaal, who is majoring in engineering with a minor in business at the college, that a club about his ex-girlfriend had started around campus. “I lost that scarf, okay? … Also, Tom only got her manager’s contact information by stealing my phone while I was
in the shower. I tried contacting Resident Life, but I have yet to hear anything back. After all of the hate these Swifties keep giving me, I am transferring.” If you’re considering joining The Jasper Swifties and want to get involved with their events, they have started up an Instagram @mctaylorswiftclub, or reach out to Tom Holland for more information.
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THE TRIANGLE
MC Player’s Newest Hit “Dear Brother Jasper” Opening This Weekend Jillian Babrics Therater Critic
The Manhattan College Players are excitedly preparing for their next show, an original musical comedy written about the myriad of issues Manhattan College students face daily. The musical, written by notorious nepotism baby Ben Platt, will be opening this weekend. Platt, who is not a celebrity and most definitely goes to school at Manhattan, spoke to The Quadrangle about his inspiration to write the show. “I wrote the show after my ceiling collapsed on me while I was sleeping in my apartment on the sixth floor of Overlook Manor,” Platt said. “It just came to me in a dream while I was sleeping a few nights later in Horan Hall, where Residence Life moved me for a few weeks following that unfortunate event.” Platt spoke about the songs included in the musical, such as “Waving Through the Giant Hole in my Ceiling,” and “If I Could Just Get Physical Plant to Respond to my Emails.” “As I looked up at the sky through the hole left in my ceiling, all I could think about was how it was not going to be fixed by Physical Plant anytime soon,” he said. The musical also touches on the continuous issues faced in Locke’s Loft. Chlorina Clancy, an MC Player who is also a
diver on the swimming and diving team, has eaten Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream from the Thomas Hall POD Express store for dinner every night. She has done this since the beginning of the spring semester because Locke’s Loft closes before diving practice ends. “I wrote a song called ‘Sincerely, a Hungry Diver’ for Dear Brother Jasper,” Clancy told the Quadrangle. “It’s about how the dining hall closes too early for me to eat anything nutritious for dinner. I mean, eating ice cream is better than eating bugs, so I guess it’s not too bad.” The final song in the show is called “Only Manhattan,” and it references all the hilarious, absurd things that happen at the college, including the notorious sex ban that was in place until 2016 — something that would only happen at Manhattan College. And maybe BYU. “Only Manhattan is my favorite song in the play,” stage manager Sally Sapperstein said. “Sometimes it’s hard for me not to sing along while I stand backstage because it’s so relatable!” The MC Players were supposed to perform this show a month ago, but naturally ran into some issues when they attempted to begin rehearsals in the Thomas Hall black box at the beginning of the semester. “Yeah, we walked into the black box back in January and there was asbestos every-
where,” Platt said. “All over the walls, our sets from the last play, and more. I wasn’t too surprised … After all, the play is about occurrences like this one!” Platt continued. “I think the real fact of the matter is that to love Manhattan College, is to hate Manhattan College just a little,” he said. “I couldn’t be happier that I chose this school. But does it bug me that I pay so much for housing, just for my ceiling to collapse? And I pay so much for food and find bugs in each meal? Yes. However, I love Manhattan College, and I’m so proud to be a Jasper.”
APRIL 5, 2022
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Spring Men’s Fashion Finds FASHION FINDS Donta Wearthat MC Fashion Icon
With warmer weather just around the corner, the boys of Manhattan College are pulling out the best outfits from their closet, from gray sweatpants, checkered flannels, to stained polo shirts, this fashion finds article will make sure you are walking like a New York fashion week model around campus. Add a pop of color to your wardrobe : First, find a good pair of tan khakis. Tan khakis will spice up any outfit in your closet. Second, find original blue wash jeans and wear them everyday. Yep, you read that right. Wear jeans everyday. No matter if they are smelly. Wear the jeans everyday. Mark Model, the president for the MC club “Boolin Fashion Boys,” says he and his friend like to get their fashion inspiration from social media. “For my fashion inspiration I look at my Twitter feed.” Model said, “I really liked the viral outfit styled by “Had To Do It to Em.” when he was wearing the full pink outfit with the black belt and cool boat shoes. I think
he has a great style and I try to emulate that.” Model also likes to vamp up his style with jeans. “No ones got jeans like me, Coach tells me I got the best jeans.” Model said. “Yep that’s right. You have the best jeans, those are cute jeans.” said Coach Style. “You’re cute jeans. I have the best jeans on this whole campus. In all of New York even.” Model said. Third, grab a classic monotone colored sweatshirt and wear it under a checkered pullover. Add some color to your outfit. A red and gray plaid flannel from any store like Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister will do the trick. Senior marketing major Eddie Idol knows how to make any look professional. “For my business class I have to wear professional clothes,” Idol said. “I like to show up to class wearing my favorite gray sweatpants. I wear my black hoodie since it can match with any color and layer it with a plaid flannel to make any of my fits work-ready.” Tr y out some new accessories: Boys around campus are
now accessorizing with no, not a bag silly, a Borg! Byron Waters, an avid gym bro, is often seen with his large one liter water container while walking on campus. “I love being seen carrying this heavy water bottle accessory throughout campus, it makes me feel like I’m a big strong boy,” Waters said. Some boys like to decorate or name their Borgs to make them stand out on campus and to make sure that when they all get together they don’t accidentally switch them up. “I like to decorate my Borg with his name, ‘Lil John’ but sometimes I switch it up for the holidays, for example, on St. Patrick’s Day I named him ‘Rattlin-Borg,’” Waters said. “I know some boys like to decorate theirs because when we all get together they do not want to accidentally mix-each others up and catch cooties.” Finally, a bonus accessory is a hat. If you want to protect yourself from skin cancer and look cool doing it, get a classic BASS PRO HAT for the hot summer days. “I love to wear my Bass Pro Hat in the library,” Idol said. “It protects me from the sun rays from those O’Malley lights. I
think everyone should wear their fishin’ hats all year long.” A tip for summer weather: Why wear a shirt at all when you can go shirtless? When the first day of the semester hits 65 degrees, make sure to sport no top at all and walk into any building with confidence. You are sure to become the talk of the town. “I don’t mind walking into a class with no shirt on.” Ron Flexington, a junior kinesiology major, said. “When I wear clothes to the gym I always
have the best matching neon outfits. The best color to wear is neon yellow if you were wondering.” Flexington works at the Daddy Gymnasium during the week when he’s not powerlifting. He doesn’t mind the stares he gets when he’s walking around campus. “Any chance I get to show off my hard work I will.” Flexington said. “I love to promote fitness. Listen to my podcast, ‘Ron Flexing on You’ to learn more about men’s gym fashion and healthy living.”
MCTV Hosts a Survivor Style Competition to Determine Next President Ballerina
Manhattan College’s TV broadcasting service hosted an MC survivor reality competition show, with the winner eligible to become the next college president. The competition is highly intense, with many participants fighting for the winning spot. So far in the race, we have our top three contestants, Harry Styles, Gordon Ramsey and Kesha. The first participant was Harry Styles, who started off with a slow start because of his many outfit changes. “My main priority was trying to find a cute outfit for everyone to see on television and to promote my new song ‘As It Was’,” Styles told the Quadrangle. Despite missing the first competition, he made a monochromatic pantsuit out of the green leaves and mud for the loafer-style shoes. While this added a significant pop of color, it did not give him an advantage in any other field. Next, there was Gordon Ramsey, who showed great promise at the beginning. He
was able to cook up a threecourse meal with all the natural resources from the island. This put him at a significant advantage in becoming the next MC president until he tasted the food … Everyone was watching him, jealous of the meal he created, so hungry wishing they could have a bite. That is, until he grabbed the wooden spoon and tasted his seafood soup. His face turned bright red, and a sour expression was immediately printed across, and a scream echoed throughout the trees. He broke his spoon and ran off, with Styles and Kesha running after the soup and devouring it in seconds. “Ramsey was right; the soup was way too salty. Nothing will beat the Broccoli cheddar soup from Lockes.” Kesha explained, “OoOoOoOh with the oyster crackers.” After the votes were in, it seemed that Ramsey was on his way off the island, leaving the last two constants, which hadn’t even noticed Ramsey was gone. They were too preoccupied by performing in their many lip sync battles. The finale occurred on the quad, with Harry getting ready
in Jasper and Kesha in Lee. Their challenge for the last event was to get ready with only the materials they could find. “I understand budget cuts, but what am I supposed to get ready with? The mold in the showers or the vomit in all the communal bathrooms?” Styles angrily proclaimed. The administrators and students watched the two intensely, with Kesha standing on one side and Styles’ back
facing the church. He went to meet Kesha face to face for the final cutscene. As he strutted down the senior walk, sirens blared as Styles’ eyes flashed with confusion. He did not attend Manhattan College, nor was he an upcoming senior. With mixed emotions rushing through the crowd, it was a sight to see the community either rejoicing, or finding out how to pull their enrollment.
When the Quad asked Kesha how she was going to go about being Manhattan College’s next president she paused for a few seconds before coming to a statement. “Honestly, I just wanted to hit the city and ended up on a reality show…I’m only staying because I heard there was a new weed dispensary starting up around here from one of the students.” Kesha said.
UR MOM / COURTESY
fArts
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& Entertainment
THE TRIANGLE
Jasper Jams: Short Kings Anthems JASPER JAMS KODY KO
Verified Short King Beloved music is created by people from all walks of life and backgrounds. Musicians are praised for their creativity and talent; however, something I believe we often neglect to recognize is a celebration of large voices emanating from small bodies. Today, I have chosen to uplift the work created by a number of short kings. It may come as a surprise to you to discover some of these famous male singers are shorter than you would expect. As the average height in the US for a man is around 5’9—around 175.4 cm—only those who measure below this height will make it onto this playlist. Get out your headphones, kick your feet up, and come listen to some voices much bigger than the person to whom they belong. This playlist counts down some of our favorite short kings from short to shortest. Sucker - Jonas Brothers with vocals from Nick Jonas (5’6) Though two of the three Jonas Brothers are short enough to make it into this list, “Sucker”’s focus is placed on the youngest, and shortest, mem-
ber of the band. Nick Jonas dominates his taller siblings and bandmates in this track, taking the majority of the vocals and executing them well. This song is undeniably fun and upbeat and I find it energizes me when I need it. This song is evidence that Nick Jonas is only a sucker for his wife and we should not underestimate him because of his stature. Renegade - Styx with lead vocals by Tommy Shaw (5’5/5’6) “Renegade” is a song I have always believed holds a lot of power. The build from a haunting lament of an outlaw knowing he is to be executed into a sudden arena rock anthem takes my breath away. Tommy Shaw’s tremendous vocal ability and guitar playing have always impressed me, and I believe “Renegade” showcases his capabilities as well, if not better, than any other. This song is huge, you would never guess its writer, singer, and rhythm guitarist was not equally as big. Runaway Baby - Bruno Mars (5’5) Bruno Mars’ height has almost become the stuff of legend, especially since the in-
famous photographs surfaced of him standing next to Taylor Swift (who measures in at 5’10). What I admire about this artist is that he has not allowed it to impact his confidence. “Runaway Baby” displays Bruno Mars’ cool assertiveness and his certainty in his “heartbreaker” status. Though I may be taller than Bruno Mars, I find myself looking up to him and his admirable self-confidence in this song. We Didn’t Start the Fire Billy Joel (5’5) The meaning and significance of this song is gigantic. This track is fast-paced and intense from start to finish. Billy Joel lists 118 major global events dating from 1949 to 1989, in a clear criticism of society. He includes big names and big words, all with big meaning behind them, whilst only being quite small himself. “We Didn’t Start the Fire” is a stroke of true songwriting genius and makes an impact even today as its meaning is always relevant. It is a song which packs a great punch - and the ability to sing along to every lyric is a great party trick that certainly makes me feel ten times taller. You Can Call Me Al Paul Simon (5’3)
This one came as a surprise to me. I grew up hearing this song and would never have guessed it is the product of such a small musician. The energy provided by this song is immense and never fails to put me in the very best of moods. From the comedic storytelling inspired by the real event of someone introducing Paul Simon and his wife, Peggy, as Al and Betty, to the infectious rhythm that has me dancing even as I write this. There is no doubt why this song became one of Paul Simon’s most recognizable tracks. “You Can Call Me Al” is the perfect example of how you don’t have to be large yourself to leave a huge and lasting impact. Daydream Believer - The Monkees with lead vocals by Davy Jones (5’3…in boots) There was never a question regarding the stature of “Daydream Believer”’s vocalist. The Monkees introduce this song with a brief conversation before the music begins, and Davy Jones references his own height saying, “It’s because I’m short, I know.” This little ditty is rather short itself, coming in at just under three minutes long, but those minutes are heartfelt and uplifting. If you ever need a smile on your face, I can hardly
think of anything better suited for the job than Davy Jones joking about his own height and then telling us all to “Cheer up, sleepy Jean.” When Doves Cr y Prince (5’2) Prince is one of the biggest artists of all time… in everything except his height. His career was extensive and his stage presence had him towering over much taller artists so much so you may have never even noticed his stature. “When Doves Cry” is my favorite Prince song as its lyrics and beat are totally unique and instantly recognizable. Every time this song plays, you will find me and everyone else on the dance floor within seconds of the opening note. The impact of “When Doves Cry” is larger than life even to this day.
Scan here to listen to the Triangle’s Playlist!
SHORT KING PICKS BY THE TRIANGLE STAFF
Tom Holland, 5’8
Kevin Hart, 5’2
Daniel Radcliffe, 5’5
APRIL 5, 2022
We Love Playing
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Balls
11
Daddy Gym Ima Bia Daddio PAPA editor :p
There’s a new team in the MComing Spring 2023, the Draddy Gymnasium will be renamed Daddy Gymnasium to honor the important fathers and male figures in Manhattan College’s history. Additionally, there is an installation project, “Historical Manhattan Daddies,” which will feature the faces of Jose Perez, James Patterson, and Locke’s Loft’s Fabio carved into stone as the front entrance. In an email to the student body on Apr. 1, the Athletic Department announced the name change. “The College is honored to announce the official name change of Draddy Gymnasium
to Daddy Gymnasium. Manhattan College daddies, including current students and past alumni, have supported the community over generations and it is only fitting that they are honored,” the athletic department email wrote. Currently outside of Draddy, there is a banner posted to the front of the building, but this installation aims to create stone head figures carved into the front of the building, imitating the famous Mount Rushmore faces. “The project called, “Historical Manhattan Daddies,” will feature the carved faces of Jose Perez, James Patterson, and Fabio as an ode to the historical Mount Rushmore figures.” the athletic department email wrote. In the email to the student
body, the athletic department announced that it would employ the men’s basketball team to create the faces of the “Historical Manhattan Men ‘’ to be displayed around the gym. The materials will come from donated rocks from Van Cortlandt Park and carried as a form of ‘lift practice’. “Coach has approved the members of Manhattan Jaspers men’s basketball team to be helped by the college to assist in the physical labor and creative development of the ‘Historical Manhattan Daddies project. The team will carry donated natural rocks and materials from Van Cortlandt Park.” Coach Masiello is looking forward to this unique opportunity to train his players. “I think it is important for my players to get out there,
get their hands dirty and carve some rocks as a way to strengthen their minds and muscles. Carrying the rocks from the park is just a bonus lift practice for them.” Masiello said. Masillo is proud that one of his current players, Jose Perez, will be displayed as a historical figure. “It’s important to honor the hard-working student athletes that come through our school’s amazing program. I hope that this encourages other players to work hard on the court and be inspired to become a future Manhattan College Daddy figure.” Masiello said. James Patterson posted to his twitter account on April 2nd to thank Manhattan College for this honor. “I am honored that Man-
hattan College has decided to create a permanent installation for me. I am looking forward to seeing my stone face overlook the new incoming students.” Patterson wrote on Twitter. The athletic department is also looking for a fourth historical daddy figure to be added to the installation. “We are opening the discussion to add another historical manhattan daddy to the installation. Possible candidate ideas are: Raymond Kelly, Brother Jasper Mascot, and Rudolph William Louis Giuliani.” the athletic department wrote. The reconstruction of Draddy Gymnasium to be renamed Daddy Gymnasium is expected to be completed by Fall 2024.
Jaspers Baseball Commits to the Quad
BaseballFan123 Just Loves Baseball
Students and faculty rushed to De La Salle 208 Friday afternoon as the sound of glass shattering rang through the hallway. Terrified, scared, and nervous, onlookers became confused when they saw the source of the noise. “I thought something important was happening, but it was just a baseball” sophomore Ashley Kutcher said. “I was even more confused when I saw what was happening on the Quad.” For those who are unaware, the Jasper baseball team has been on a journey of self discovery and has finally decided on a home base. After going through multiple breakups with Van Cortlandt Park, Dutchess Stadium, and Clover Stadium, the Jaspers have committed to the Quad! “Obviously the Quad is not the most ideal, but at least there aren’t feces on the grass or homeless people sleeping in the dugouts,” junior pitcher Doug Birch said. “So we’re super pumped about that.” Dutchess Stadium, home of
the Hudson Valley Renegades, often played the hit song, “Lottery (Renegade)” by K CAMP. It is their baseball national anthem and the stadium had a fun rule for every time the song played. “They kept playing that TikTok song,” Mike Roma said. “So everytime it played, we had to get up and do the renegade dance. Honestly, I’m not the best dancer, so this way I got to practice for when I go to Fen’s. Catch me on the dance floor!” Due to the change in location of home games, the baseball rules have changed too! Here they are: Window broken = 2 home runs Student or faculty catches a ball = 3 home runs Administrator goes to a game AND catches a ball= 4 home runs Keep your eyes out for flying baseballs Jaspers! Let’s help the baseball team achieve a winning record! “Goooooooo Jaspers! We need your help to become conference champs in the MAAC and win all of our home games!” said senior shortstop Buckley Pluto. Students and faculty are
ecstatic about the new rules as well. “As soon as I heard the rule change, I got into my… PUNCH BUGGY NO PUNCH BACKS…anyway, I got into my Buick Encore and drove to the closest Dick’s Sporting Goods,” said Tommy Bars. “I found a green mit, that perfectly matches the face paint and cap I bought.” The downside of Jaspers baseball new location is that after every home game, the team changes their uniform and become window repairmen. “Hon estly, I like our window-fixing uniforms better,” Martin Topper said. “The orange glitter jumpsuits really do it for me. Plus we get to take squad picks in an outfit besides our baseball jerseys.” The team drew inspiration for their uniforms from the one and only Kylie Jenner. Jenner first sported the look in 2019 following her break-up with Travis Scott. “I LOVE Kylie Jenner,” said Mike Roma. “So it is an honor to wear an outfit inspired by her.” Jasper baseball will be on the Quad Saturday at 3pm. So bring your mit, a baseball cap,
and a pair of Oakley sunglasses to fit in with the team and catch
some balls!
Jaspers Baseball rocking this fit from Kylie Jenner. KYLIE JENNER/COURTESY
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We Love Playing
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Balls
APRIL 5, 2022
Gaelic Field to be Expanded into All New Jasper Dome Athletic Park Professor of SocioChem-unic-ology Professional Gardener
The Manhattan College Athletics department has announced their plans for the newest addition to Jasper athletic facilities: The Jasper Dome. Set to open before the fall semester of 2030, the Jasper Dome will be built overtop of what is now known as Gaelic Park. In addition to building over top of Gaelic Park, Manhattan College will be renovating the unoccupied lot across from the Leo and Higgings buildings. Currently, the space is a gated area of dead plants, home to an extensive family of raccoons, as well as Charles’ Autobooty Chop, a gymnasium which has been residing on the corner down from Kelly since before anyone can remember. Fortunately, Manhattan College has struck up an admirable settlement with the gymnasium’s owner. Charles of Charles’ Autobooty Chop has agreed to become the newest addition to MC Jasper athletics training facilities. The Gym will accommodate up to 6 student athletes at a time, allowing athletes to train their glutes in a method scientifically proven by Charles himself. Charles AutoBooty Chop Gymnasium has also agreed to take exercise science students as interns. “I think it’s a great business opportunity for my Gym,” said Charles of Charles’ Autobooty Chop. The family of raccoons which I have been informed prefer to be referred to as
“Trash Pandas” - have accepted a settlement of $1,000 Jasper Dollars in exchange for permanently evacuating their homes to accommodate for the Jasper Dome renovations. The Jasper Dome is yet another step towards Manhattan Colleges initiative for a “complete overhaul of south campus.” Mevin, the MC Chief Accountant Executive Supreme, is the brains behind the original idea for the Jasper Dome. Mevin explained that the school found an immense surplus of funds when they found out that the men’s basketball team was spending over $90,000 betting on themselves in their fantasy
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sports brackets. “Once I saw how much the team was spending on betting on themselves, something had to change.” Mevin said. Basketball coach Meve Stacksiello commented on the matter. “I had no idea they were spending that much of our budget betting on themselves.” Stacksiello said. “I strongly feel as though there are other sports that deserve more funding and attention from the school.” He added. The Department of City Planning has worked with Manhattan College for approximately two weeks drawing up the plans for the Jasper Dome
facilities. The Dome will be split into four zones: residential, training, land, and water. The plans for Jasper Dome student athlete housing consists of 100% recycled materials. By putting Chrysostome Hall on wheels and pushing it down the hill, MC has created the safest and most environmentally friendly residence hall in the history of the college. The training facilities include new additions built onto Charles Autobooty Chop to make for an entirely new athletic training experience. This includes a track and a new weight training gym, with enough room for Men’s Teams
to do two reps, grunt at each other, then repeat at a different machine as they please. The land facilities include two stories of new turf fields for lacrosse, soccer, and golf teams, a baseball diamond, and an all new state-of-the-art volleyball court. In addition, the swim team will receive their own olympic sized swimming pool, as well as an indoor water park complete with hot tubs and swirly slides. The Jasper Dome is projected to increase enrollment by .8675309% by the year 2069 and increase whining complaints from the basketball team by 6%. Go Jaspers!