Dear Sober Coach

MEET SOBER COACH SARAH.

Sarah has spent the last 12 years coaching and mentoring people who've struggled with their addictions and mental health, she knows that choosing to change your relationship with alcohol before you hit rock bottom is a powerful and positive choice to make

Sarah is passionate about spreading the message that our lives can be joyful and fun on the other side of our drinking careers and there's no need to feel lonely, stressed or bored on this journey.

Dear Sober Coach Sarah

I am sooooo worried about what will other people think when I tell them I've decided to have the summer alcohol free - I know they will be judging me. What can I do about this?

Thank you for answering my question!

CW, London Dear

CW

When I first decided to embark on my alcohol-free experiment, there were a lot of thoughts running through my head, I became a bit paralysed and unable to move forward for a while

One of the reasons I was so stuck was because I became overly worried about what other people would think about my choice to stop drinking I found all sorts of ways to soften the blow for friends and family and to change their way of thinking about my choice. I'd say, “Oh, I'm just not drinking today” or “I'm taking a break for a month” to illustrate that I didn't have a problem with alcohol, and to stop them trying to encourage me to drink but of course, trying to make someone think a certain way is impossible, people are going to think what they're going to think and there's only so much you can do to influence that and absolutely nothing you can do to control it So maybe just stop trying?

While we're here talking about what other people are thinking, you do know that's none of your business, don't you? I say this with love and kindness What you think of other people is your own private world and the same is true the other way round

It's really easy to get hung up on explaining ourselves from why we've made the alcoholfree or sober choice we have, to explaining our drink of choice on a night out. Perhaps you've got a night out planned, either with people you know well or with acquaintances. These might be people who have seen you in your drinking heyday, or people to whom you are a drinking clean slate. We might think “oh, what will I say if someone asks what I'm drinking?” “What if they asked me why I'm not drinking?” “What if the waiter says there's no alcohol-free beer?”

Well, I'm going to tell you this

If someone asks what you're drinking, you can tell the truth Tonic water, lime and soda, ginger beer, whatever. If someone asks why you're not drinking, You smile sweetly and either tell the truth, “I'm taking a break at the moment,” “I feel better not drinking,” “I don't feel like it tonight” or you tell a white lie if you have to. “I'm on antibiotics,” “I'm training for a marathon” or “I'm pregnant ” With those last two, be careful, you may need to actually run a marathon or produce a baby at some point!

The point is, we think people are interested and we think they care but I'm here to tell you, they really don’t. Once they've had one or two drinks themselves, they won't even notice who else is or isn't drinking around them. People occasionally question it when they feel defensive about their own drinking habits but again, that's on them and not on you Who cares what other people think really? Which are the other areas of your life where you think, Oh, I wonder what x y z friends or colleagues will make of my choice to be… I don't know… vegetarian, getting a dog or painting your sitting room dark green? Never. You’d just never feel the need to explain or justify your choice, would you?

Dear Coach,

I am so overwhelmed I want to give up I keep trying to be sober - but I fail time and time again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? BC

Dear BC

Woah woooooahhhhh - steady, friend, steady. annnnnnd breathe, and breathe, sloooooowly now, sloooooowly. OK.

You’re not broken, there's nothing wrong with you You are HERE NOW That matters and YOU matter.

What's going on for you right now? A lot - I suspect.

Are you making some baby steps towards the sober lifestyle you know is within your reach? Sounds like it to me.

Are you experimenting with an alcohol-free life? You keep trying - so, yes.

Are you in a process of learning, practising and perfecting the tools that are going to move you in the right direction soon? You say you're failing - I wouldn't see it like that - perhaps you are trying new tools.

Whether you are sober one day, one week, one month, one year or more- Congratulations, you are here doing something and that is because you are aware and conscious that you want something different for yourself! That's good news. Great news. Keep doing that.

Alcohol may well have been a challenge for you to stop drinking but that is because alcohol is an addictive substance and not because you are in any way failing

You might feel exhausted by the merry go round of “I'm going to stop drinking” swiftly followed by “just one won't hurt” or you might feel frustrated that other people can choose to stop and you know, just stop or you might feel angry because this isn't fair

I hear you exhausted, frustrated and angry –they are all valid feelings as part of the process but I'll say it again, you are not broken. You may feel a bit battered and bruised, a bit like you're stuck in Groundhog Day or like no one else understands the work that you are doing to break free from the cycle that you've been in.

You are resourceful. You have brought awareness to something and some feeling you no longer want in your life and you are moving in the right direction to change that. If you don't feel strong enough now, don't worry, you will find the strength. Keep following positive people who inspire you Listen to the podcasts, read the books, do the work.

You are going to rise

You're going to feel all the feelings and emotions on the way and you are going to come out the other side And when you do, you will see then, if you cannot see it now, that you weren't broken, you never were. You were just gathering your strength to be able to move on to the next most precious part of your life.

If you cannot see it for yourself now-know that others can I believe in you

I'm here to tell you, you're not broken and there is nothing wrong with you.

Love from Sober Coach Sarah

You can find out more about Sarah and her coaching at www.drinklesslivebetter.com