Art as therapy
I believe in the healing power of art.
Through these continuous line drawings I sought to remember my childhood homes and to explore the feelings of home being a place that was constantly shifting and never stable. In these drawings I was able to remember memories that had been disassociated from in regards to my trauma, as well happy or average childhood memories I had pushed away completely due to trauma. The abstracted lines and form speak to the notion that these homes were not stable but shifting and unpredictable. By allowing myself to take the space and time to look at and draw my childhood homes in detail I felt as though I was living in these homes again and was emotionally brought back to these places and periods of time in my life. I began to be able to remember small details of the houses that had been catalogued in my memory like specific types of materials and features of the houses, lost memories, and myself at specific ages– what I was going through and experiencing at these periods of time. This helped me to reflect on my experiences from an objective point of view rather than a subjective point of view. This was very therapeutic for me as I was able to hold empathy for my past selves, acknowledging those past selves as if it was happening to someone who was not me. This allowed me to acknowledge the extent of the trauma that I was experiencing at these times– something that I wasn’t allowed while the experience was happening.
A HOUSE but
NOT A HOME
I began with drawing my first childhood home.
Roy, Utah
Gorham, Maine
Syracuse, Utah
Cedar City, Utah
The Space
we left
Through this graphic exploration, I collected old photos of myself or people I love from each of the houses that I existed in throughout childhood. I then cropped out the people from the photographs, leaving only silhouettes and no details of the people– showing the space we left there. This empty space signifies a dichotomy of the space we held there that will always exist in our memories of these homes, and the space we used exist in that we will never again occupy. This exploration allowed me to work through and process what it means to exist in a place, to make meaning and memories in that place, and then to leave that place– never being able to return again. Although new people occupy these homes, they are a permenant and very important part of the moments that make up our past. My spirit will forever exist in these places forever, even as new memories and people occupy these places. This is the space that we left.
UNHEARD WOR unheard wor
RDS HURT rds
Outcome
Creating this work has helped me come to terms with the nature of my trauma. Before creating this work, my trauma was largely non-comprehendible to myself. It felt only as bad unrecognizable memories meshed together that weighed heavy on my soul that I carried with me throughout my everyday life. I could feel the aftermath of the hurt but couldn’t understand what had happened. Although there are still so many questions of the ‘why’, I can now almost fully understand the ‘what’ in the sense of what has happened to me. I may never know why these things happened but I can come to reflect on what has been gained through the experience now that I have a timeline. After creating this work, I have come to better accept what has happened to me. Creating this work did not completely heal me. The bad memories still hurt, the trauma still impacts me daily on a deep level. However, it is something I can better comprehend and make peace with. I am not what has happened to me, but my past is greatly important to my future and archiving the difficult experiences I have been through has provided me with the resiliency I need to make it through life varying challenges. This archive has provided me something to look back on, knowing my story will not be lost in history, it will live on and grow and beauty can be made from pain.