SHE|R

By Susanna Casubolo

We are here for “IM Italian magazine” with Dr. Selene Gemelli, whom I have known for some time because we have worked together in the social field. She was born as an educator, became passionate about consultancy, and created a project dedicated to a particular target.

Meanwhile, Susanna, it’s a pleasure to see you again. “SHER” is a program of voices, born and designed especially for women or people belonging to the LGBT community. It was created, above all, to help and guide people to improve the sentimental and sexual aspects of their life, which is why the specific target of this project refers above all to people who have already achieved professional or life goals, in short, satisfactory, but that in the explicit and sexual aspect fail to arrive at the satisfaction that in short, they desire.

Very often, the people I work with start from a solid base of malaise or, in any case, from substantial uncertainty and doubt regarding this inability to achieve this satisfaction.

And how did you come to this target?

Then I get there both with me. In short, you anticipated at the beginning during the presentation I get there for a professional passion referring to the fact that I have a strong experience, especially with women victims of trafficking, abuse and maltreatment, for which I have been busy for many years with women who were in difficulty. And then there is a very personal aspect which refers precisely to the fact of having been a part of this problem in the first person in the sense that I am a bisexual woman.

Well then, explore the issues that clients bring you and to work on. And by the way, you also work in close contact with some psychotherapists, one of which is me. In short, supported from that point of view. Let’s explore, I try to throw in some keywords so maybe it binds to talk about it a bit. And the first that comes to mind is freedom.

Freedom the word freedom undoubtedly comes to mind women who feel insecure and unhappy, are dissatisfied and have perhaps achieved this economic, social, and working freedom within their families. But they are unable to feel free on a sentimental and sexual level. But even more, people who belong to the LGBTQ Plus world come to mind and who find this muscular discomfort of acceptance of approval.

Why do they say this? Because it seems absurd and it seems strange to say it, but today homosexuality belongs to gays and lesbians. They’re just in terms of acceptance, they’ve come a long way, we’ve come a long way, they’ve become, they’ve become more familiar terms. We also saw it on TV. In short, Maria De Filippi (popular author of tv shows) tells us that she created men and men and that she brought all people into the homes of Italians, instead of bisexual and transgender, intersex, with gender or sexual orientation problems continuing to quarrel. I am still here with this intense discrimination and having to fight for social inclusion, often forgetting or neglecting the inner aspect of the work with so many people who bring to the fore the family difficulties of being accepted within the family, social challenges, school at school or work, completely forgetting and putting oneself in the background, rather than forgetting the whole inner aspect of one’s personal freedom of expression, to enjoy sex, to have feelings towards someone or not to try them.

And this is one of SHER central points with this typology, clearly of people with this difficulty.

Not a good thing, but definitely is. In short, you may think you can refer to someone who understands this issue even so profoundly. It is also essential for those who have to deal with this type of situation in some way, and therefore, we come perhaps to another keyword, rather delicate, which is sexuality.

Yes, sexuality is definitely, let’s say, talking about women, but the same never applies to LGBT people. The extraordinary thing that I always want to share is that when, even though the starting point is very different when you find yourself working with people who suffer and are part of this project, for those who have the difficulties we have already talked about, the work that is going to be done brings the same results, in the sense that it is a suffering that comes to the matrix, even if the symptom of anxiety is different. However, speaking specifically of sexuality, the evolutionary passage that feminist movements undertook at the end of the nineteenth century, in short, made women able to understand that they had the same human rights as men and that they appropriated a family position, work, and social life on a par with men.

The aspect of the body and sexuality becomes a bit impoverished over time, a bit also with the use of the media, therefore due to the sexualization of the female body; in short, there are some exciting researches on sexuality and women in particular.

Compare the point of view of heterosexual couples. In this case, they interviews them separately, and it’s remarkable how men report their female partner’s orgasm at 84 percent of this sample group in this research. Women report 46% of reaching orgasm with their partner. And this discrepancy is very significant and ties into all the research in which one of the New Jersey universities identifies 60% of sexual problems for women.

So the sexual difficulty of a woman who doesn’t travel, this evolutionary passage on the social and family working level of the woman doesn’t travel hand in hand with the perception of sex within society. There are also various pieces of research that underline the difference between male pleasure and female pleasure, almost always describing female pleasure as directly connected to procreation. In the case, in short, of heterosexual couples, but generally to the team, to love, to sentiment. And this is absolutely crazy, in the sense that maybe not in all cases, but the woman is as oriented towards pleasure as the man. It is true, however, that the perception of sex is different. The joy of women, the desire of women is consolatory, that is, linked to a context is related to smells. The senses that are activated in sex for women are mainly related to taste, touch, and smell. Conversely, the male sex is more related to sight and hearing. Male desire is reactive to an erotic stimulus, there is a direct genital response. On the contrary, as far as the woman is concerned, faced with stimuli linked to the context linked precisely to what I have just said, there may or may not be an immediate genital response, so the differences with respect to the perception of sex are realistic.

There are lots of very interesting research about this, but it’s not the matrix, not the woman doesn’t make love, she doesn’t have sex only and exclusively for love, and this also has to do with freedom. Much depends on this. What does it mean? What does it mean? It means that the malaise that the woman feels within sexuality is not linked to her partner; it is not linked to others, is linked to the perception that she has of her own body, that she has of herself, that she has of her own free expression of her own femininity.

That’s why Sher works. It is a program in which we work a lot, both concerning the inner dialogue, to be able to understand what it is that we want. What it is that provokes us, that causes pleasure to that person, because knowing the awareness of one’s own body, becomes central to this. This discourse works on the inside, on what is our perception in the mirror, not what is outside. The concept of desirable.

Even then, as a reflection, on awareness. Not concerning these issues. It is exactly in the sense that we often feel desirable. If the other confirms it, we are hot. We are beautiful, sensual, and sexy. Suppose there is someone else who tells us. It’s actually not like that. We can all be desirable if in the mirror we feel and see ourselves as desirable. And this mechanism, unfortunately, has had a strong need for acceptance for life. You have mechanisms that fuel the hypersexualization that is already present in the female body. In our society, as you can see, every day we have billions of stimuli, of stimuli with respect to this, even to the continuous modification of one’s body, which is not male. Clearly, it is bad only when it is an end in itself, that is when I modify my body so that my body can rise in the hierarchy of the worthy body.

And therefore I am a body that deserves the reason why I continuously modify it according to the trend of the moment. And this can only generate dissatisfaction, depression, insecurity, and frustration. Which then, clearly you know better than me, it affects everything else, its well-being in general, everything else in our lives.

You are a bit anticipating the third word I wanted to throw at you because in several points I want to add something like respect to the body with respect to what you said.

Look at many, many of the people I work with bring back to me following the exercises that we go to do along the way and strong amazement in being able to accept seeing beautiful things in a short time because then that’s all. And the kitchen, the beautiful and self-motivating cooking path, because by making you reach even a small. Still, a fast, degree of satisfaction continues to fuel the motivation that already leads people to ask for help, regardless of the profession they then choose and they are above all at the beginning of the modules, in other words of the course.

At that point, you work in the mirror and only focus on the beautiful parts of your body. This is advice that I ask of everyone. It is an exercise that it would be good to do, whether they all did men, women, transsexuals, intersex, and so on, and look at themselves naked in the mirror and identify themselves perhaps by writing it on the mirror itself, the parts of the own body that we like will gradually lead us clearly to the beginning we will write the fastest components.

There is a whole other world to talk about porn and adolescence, young people. I wasn’t really talking about bonded porn used as a tool within an adult couple. The same goes for sex toys. In short, we have many new tools that can be used within the couple, precisely to fuel passion.

Each of us has parts that we value every day, so they will be the first ones we’re going to write. Then slowly, we’ll start to struggle, so it will become beautiful even simply the shape of our ear never seen before. And this helps a lot because then, as you write in this mirror, what you find yourself in a mirror full of beautiful things, and the parts you like least you see less. And if you want to work for it, work for it. But not for what we said before. We don’t work on our body to improve it, either with surgery or a sport, in short with various treatments. We don’t work to please, but we work to please ourselves, and therefore we will clearly bring out a sense of solid balance and strong desirability. If we know, everyone else will notice.

Of course, this exercise is beautiful, and maybe someone who listens to us can put it. Balance is the last word

The pairs then work both with heterosexual couples and with excuse couples and with homosexual, bisexual couples, also because it is not the era of poly love? So welcome that it happens to me, in short. And in the couple, can sexuality often be a little neglected? No, because it’s a long-lasting pair of curtains to darken in daily life. In three weeks, we are dedicating little intimacy, little quality time within the couple, or making continuous plans. This is the stark difference. A couple who continue to plan together, who continue to share together, who continue to rejoice or even not rejoice in what life brings into the family. And a couple that will tend in most cases to feed their passion, sharing fantasies, about one’s erotic fantasies which are sometimes silent within the couple. No, more out of fear of hurting than actually sharing brings extreme complicity and, as you say, a strong evolution. The use of porn, for example, which by many is not, is not accepted, let’s say light. The other day I found it interesting reading, as far as I don’t agree, the use of porn within the couple, let’s say it’s linked to this.

Alida, in an ever different and new and powerful way to tell us that it is indisputable that monogamy is complex in this and in this in our society. However, the discomfort is absolutely reachable as an, agreement and it is absolutely feasible to be able to have powerful sexuality within the couple. And indeed there would be many things to say. No, in the sense that then there are sexual relationships that of people who experience the final sexual intercourse to orgasm, so they lead me to problems related to this, I can’t reach orgasm.There is a problem, and it is not this way also on this there are exercises that can clearly shift attention to this or couples who are unable to share their erotic fantasies that change over time. Because sometimes we forget that people, first of all as individuals, evolve in teams, we must be able to cash in on this single individual evolution, it fits together, merges, and therefore there can be changes.

Not only that but then perhaps going forward the couple also evolves and perhaps without being tired, other types of problems can also arise, and one also has to reinvent a little. Maybe you have to search. This is exactly why I am talking about sharing fantasies, about one’s erotic fantasies which are sometimes silent within the couple. No, more out of fear of hurting than actually sharing brings extreme complicity and, as you say, a strong evolution. The use of porn, for example, which by many is not, is not accepted, let’s say light. The other day I found it interesting, as far as I don’t agree, the use of porn within the couple, let’s say it’s linked to this.

This psychologist, leads people to build an image of sex and then of the couple. He cannot be experienced and therefore increases and fuels sexual frustration within the couple. And I say no, it depends on how you look at it. It is clear that porn is fake. They’re actors, so just like we see an action movie, we see Fast Furious. And then we don’t take the car and change.