Medical Examiner 4-1-22 by Daniel Pearson

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PFIZER DROPS SILENT P CDC ANNOUNCES CHANGES TO

5-SECOND RULE

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) today announced sweeping new changes to the national 5-Second Rule, effective immediately. Citing an abundance of caution, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky said in a statement, “For far too long our national health has been placed in jeopardy by haphazard compliance to the previous rule, which for all practical purposes should have been called the 6- or 7- or Whatever-Second Rule.” The new regulations vary by county of residence, floor composition, and type of food spilled, and will be enforced by special Homeland Security “2-to-4-Second Squads.” For chicken noodle soup spilled in Richmond County on hi-lo shag carpeting, for example, the maximum allowable Please see 5-SECOND RULE page 17

The annual stockholders meeting of drug maker Pfizer last week resulted in major changes to the firm’s public image. The most noticeable change was a decision to shed the P from the company’s name, although the now-leading f will remain lower case (old and new logos shown above). Shareholders narrowly defeated an alternate proposal to maintain the Pfizer name but to adopt a silent F, changing the pronunciation to Pie-zer. Another proposed change rejected by shareholders was revising the firm’s corporate branding to Pfizer Pfarmaceuticals. Focus groups felt the name might suggest farm-based, natural medicines. “Dropping nearly 17% of our corporate identity allows fizer to react more quickly to changing conditions in the global marketplace where we compete,” noted fizer CEO Pfillip Pfister, who declined to also PAGE 9 change his name. “We need to be more agile and aggressive to survive. The light and airy feeling we now have throughout the company feels exactly like getting a corporate colon cleanse. This reduction in the size of our name will also help consumers realize that we’re not associated with Big Pharma. Now we’re more like Less Big Pharma.” +

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PARENTS THESE DAYS! JEEZ!

CHILDHOOD

Your 51-year-old mother acts like she knows more than you. You’re 15, so obviously she’s wrong. She’s always trying to tell you what to do. As if! Who does this woman think she is? She was already constantly overstepping her boundaries before, but now she has given you a midnight curfew on school nights What do you do? A. Tell her she is grounded for two weeks. Forbid her from even going to work until she apologizes and buys you whatever you want. B. Get her debit card when she isn’t looking and use it to triple your allowance with cash withdrawals. Be sure she knows what you’re doing after the fact, and knows that it’s all her fault. Tell her you hate her. C. Let her know that you can easily give yourself lots of bruises, then show her that you have Child Protective Services’ number programed in your phone. D. See if you can have her diagnosed with a severe case of Alzheimer’s and committed to a facility. Be sure to legally assume power of attorney first. If you answered: A. This is not a particularly good idea. You’re just punishing yourself by having her around 24 hours a day. This is a bad idea unless you have a shed or a detached garage, but even then, you’re drying up your own source of money. B. This option helps your mother accept responsibility for her own actions and suffer monetarily if she does not. It has merit. My only suggestion would be to start by doubling your allowance and then progressively tighten the screws with higher withdrawals if she fails to capitulate. C. The obvious flaw in this plan: what are you going to do with your bruises when you’re out with your friends? You have to keep in mind that if your mother is actually arrested, who will cook your food, make your bed, iron your clothes, and pay your cell phone bill? Always remember: use makeup to create fake bruises, not to cover up real ones. Other than that, this may be your best strategy. D. This idea is worth pursuing only if a.) your mother has significant assets and b.) you can find a sympathetic doctor to provide the diagnosis you need without supporting evidence. Parents in their early 50s are an immense challenge to teens. Teach them by your actions that their decisions will have unpleasant consequences. Be firm and consistent. +

NASA CAPTURES DEATH OF STAR

NASA’s Hubble telescope recently captured the death of a megastar in the farthest reaches of a constellation known as MK-1157, some 1.3 million light years away from Earth. At the moment captured above, the star has just exploded and is milliseconds away from completely disappearing into the vacuum of the black hole in the center of the image. Astronomers and astrophysicists are unsure why the star died, but NASA spokesman Herbert Dahlgren noted, “We have been unable to find any evidence that the star was ever vaccinated or wore a mask. Assuming our additional research confirms this, it means the tragic death of this star was completely preventable.” After subtracting the star from MK-1157, the estimated number of remaining stars in the known universe is now down to only 736,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,004132, although astronomers caution that an unknown number of unvaccinated stars could have been exposed to MK-1157, and others could suffer the same fate. +

ASSORTED RANDOM FACTS Editor’s note: one or two of these facts may not be true. Joe Biden’s application for Mensa was rejected because his IQ test was too high. Donald Trump opened a beauty shop franchise called As My Hair Swirls.

BASED ON A TRUE STORY (most of the time) A series by Flatwoods Frankie

Donald Trump lost 5 pounds when he got a buzz haircut.

A terrorist attempted a mass shooting at a redneck BBQ. He didn’t live to tell about it. His ticket was punch … numerous times.

Amputating all right index fingers will prevent most mass shootings.

Henceforth, pistols will be known as Cordless Hole Punchers.

Congress passed a new law imposing term limits on itself. Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters tied for last place in the Ms. Dill Pickle Beauty Queen Contest because they were too sweet. The Annual Procrastinators Meeting was held 3 weeks early this year. You must have a photo ID to get a fishing license, but not to vote. Please see FACTS page 11

HU ME RU S

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#162 IN A SERIES

Who is this?

ait, wait. Hold on. Is this a serious article in the middle of a parody issue? Has there been some mistake? Yes and no. Yes, this is a serious article in the middle of all this foolishness, but there’s no mistake. This may be the perfect setting for a profile of Dr. Mehmet Oz. An examination of Dr. Oz’ early academic life and career gives no hint of the what some would view as the train wreck that was to come. (It should be noted, however, that plenty of people view him as a superb and trusted source of accurate medical information.) Born in Cleveland in 1960 to parents of Turkish (and medical) heritage, Oz received his undergraduate degree in biology at Harvard University in 1982. In 1986, he obtained MD and MBA degrees from the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and Penn’s Wharton School. He was class president and then student body president during medical school. Oz began his medical career in 1986 with a residency at Presbyterian Hospital in New York City, then affiliated with Columbia University. During his residency, Oz earned the Blakemore research award four times. In April 1995, he cofounded the Cardiac Complementary Care Center, which New York magazine described glowingly as “the most evolved mind-body program currently operating.” About that phrase “mind-body”... that may have been the tip of the iceberg to come. Dr. Oz employed “therapeutic touch” at the Center, a bit of a misnomer since no actual touch was involved: simply put, it’s a technique of placing hands above certain parts of the body to transfer energy for healing purposes. Hospital administration was alarmed by Oz’s use of the pseudoscientific practice, which he quickly stopped. But more oddness was to come. In fact, promotion of questionable, unproven and fully disproven remedies seems destined to be Dr. Oz’s legacy. He has long been an advocate of questionable weight loss products that have even put him in the crosshairs of congressional investigations. “Stubborn belly fat” is a favorite target. Early in the pandemic, Oz heavily promoted hydroxychloroquine, an antimalarial drug revoked from the list of approved treatments by the FDA in May of 2020. President Trump was reported to be influenced by opinions expressed by Dr. Oz, whom Trump had appointed to the President’s Council on Sports, Fitness, and Nutrition in 2018, and then a second term appointment in December 2020. (Last month, Oz was asked to resign by the Biden administration due to his upcoming run for a Senate seat: administration policy does not allow federal candidates to serve on presidential boards.) In April 2020, Oz set off another firestorm by stating on Fox News that reopening schools in the United States might be worth the increased number of deaths it could cause: it would “only cost us 2 to 3 percent in terms of total mortality.” In another highly publicized fray, Oz got into a dispute with actor Mark Wahlberg over intermittent fasting (Oz: for; Wahlberg: against). They settled the matter by the scientific method: a push-up challenge (which Wahlberg won). +

2022 GOALS FOR THE WORLD HEALTHCARE COMMUNITY In case anyone is wondering, the pandemic is not over. It has not been “pronounced.” But things definitely seem to be heading in the right direction at the moment. If the trend continues, how can the world’s healthcare providers transition their considerable talents and resources, on display so admirably for the past two years, into what might be called “peacetime” applications? Unfortunately, there is no shortage of urgent medical situations that need the skills of our brightest medical minds to solve. Here are just a few:

• Chicken Pox There need to be options available to families who practice vegetarian diets or who otherwise do not prefer chicken.

to hear two words from you, and they had better not be “Doctor Oz.” A better response would be “challenge accepted.”

• Irritable Bowel Syndrome If this plague upon so many millions can’t be solved (a premise we do not accept), at bare minimum can we progress to the point where treatment results in easy-going bowel syndrome?

• Mad Cow Disease Doctors prescribe mood-enhancing drugs to people every day of the week. There’s no way to figure out a way to do the same thing for cows? • Prostrate Cancer Stand up and fight!

• The Common Cold With global warming on our side, colds should be well on their way to becoming uncommon. Let’s do this, people. • Def Leppard Seriously? Still? After all this time? Considering the advances in tympanic microsurgery and hearing aid technology over the past 20 years alone, this is truly a shameful situation for a band formed in 1977. • Warfarin The entire world seems to have risen up in protest over the invasion of Ukraine, yet we’re still prescribin’ and usin’ a drug named warfarin. Why? • Stubborn Belly Fat For the parents among us, how do we react when our children display stubbornness? Whether it’s the terrible twos or the terrible teens, we simply do not tolerate this kind of attitude. And yet we continute to allow belly fat the luxury of stubbornness and act like we’re powerless. Ladies and gentlemen of healthcare, we would like

• Tide Pods How much research has been done on the potential benefits of eating these colorful packets? Or should the question be how little research has been done? Could they have ended the pandemic a year ago? • Multiple Sclerosis Can we at least knock it down to singular? • Plant-Based Diets We depend upon plants for oxygen, without which human life will cease. Short-sighted dietitians, cardiologists and others seem oblivious to this fact as they continue to blindly advocate ravaging earth’s plant life. Millions of people who experienced shortness of breath during the past two years were told it was caused by COVID. No! It’s all the plants we’re eating, thereby depleting earth’s oxygen. Greenpiece estimates that every hot dog we eat saves 1.7 heads of lettuce and two carrots from destruction, allowing them to continue to churn out more oxygen for us to breathe. Save the planet. Eat a hot dog. In fact, eat several. +

APRIL 1, 2022

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ADVENTURES IN

Middle Age BY J.B. COLLUM

really take time off to do stuff, you took time off to recover. When the doctor says you will be out for a month, your full-time job for that month is to recover. When you have the right goals, you can succeed. The second or third day was when dad’s pain became so intense he called the Doctor. They asked if he was taking his pain medicines correctly. You know the drill, the first day he had not taken all of his medicines because one of them made him sleepy and the residual effects of the local anesthetics he was given during surgery lingered for at least a day or two. Once he began following the proper treatment and focused on rest, he was able to begin recovery. He also slept a lot, which was good for him (and for us caregivers). Don’t try to be the hero. Don’t think you are somehow so strong that the medicines can be skipped or ignored. Only make changes to your recovery regimen after speaking with your licensed medical professional. Your next challenge is staying in recovery mode over the entire recovery period. During this time, how you feel day-to-day can vary wildly. With my dad, aka “Mr. Hero,” on the first day that he felt a little better, he still had in his mind all the things he was going to do during his month off. So, he did some of them! And all was fine ’til that evening when the pain came back, but far worse. And the bleeding increased noticeably. So, on your first good day, treat yourself by not doing work. You have been doing your fulltime recovery job so well that your reward is a day off to relax without the pain. So TAKE IT! Remember, it isn’t just you who will be dealing with your choices. Dad’s decisions lead to some tense moments between us, times that made me feel like a parent with an unruly teenager. If you ever go through surgery, make your recovery a success: set the right goals, rest longer than you think, and consider how your choices affect caretakers.

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Hey sports fans! JB Collum Junior here. The folks at the Medical Examiner have increased their network security, but I still managed to infiltrate their firewall and paste this over my dad’s wild tale once again. It’s my duty to warn you about yet another dangerous attitude and related behavior that my dad is guilty of. Perhaps you or someone you know suffers from this affliction too. What am I talking about? Thanks for asking. I’ll tell you: it’s the danger of thinking you are the outlier, the special one, who will recover quicker than mere mortals, and therefore you aren’t subject to the doctor’s advice for what to do and what not to do during your recovery. You know the type. They’re the folks who watch Bruce Willis playing the fictional part of John McClane in the “Die Hard” movie franchise and think that they too can walk on glass, fall from great heights, take gunshot wounds in stride, all without the need to take a break to recover from these traumas. While that may be great entertainment, we can, without thinking, place these unreasonable expectations on ourselves. We don’t want to be like the wimpy characters in the movies who whine about a little pain, the ones who are afraid of everything and need the hero to save them. We want to be the heroes of our own stories, so we brush off pain and power through. We think this is the noble and heroic thing to do, while in reality, it is foolish, counter-productive, and impacts not just ourselves, but our loved ones. Case in point: my dad! Before his surgery, it took great effort to convince him to take his full month off from work that the surgeon recommended. He felt that he would be fine despite the doctor saying how awful it would be. The doctor’s exact words were, “it will hurt like heck for about a month.” Well, to be honest, those weren’t his exact words. He didn’t say “heck.” I had to change that part so my mother won’t be offended, and so that my next meal doesn’t taste like soap. Of course, that’s on the off chance that she still reads dad’s columns. Anyway, after relenting to our “strong encouragement” he then spoke about how he was looking forward to getting some things done around the house that month. There is a place for optimism and looking to the future, but expecting to get back to your normal life AMA (Against Medical Advice) can set you up for unnecessary failure and pain. The day after surgery, you are still under the effects of pain killers. This lack of pain can lead us to think we will be fine. Then it hits. Boom! It’s the kind of pain that cripples even the strongest of people who don’t happen to be fictional characters in action flicks. Now, all your hopes about the things you planned during your time off are dashed, so you get upset and even possibly depressed. You suddenly realize you didn’t

How to post-op.

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Also: How not to.

ARE MASKS STILL RECOMMENDED? For maximum safety, yes, especially considering reports of emerging new COVID variants and sub-variants. The Center for Disease Control’s formula is very simple. Anyone can consult the CDC website 24/7 and enter their state and county of residence, age as of the previous year’s vernal equinox, Social Security number, employer, number and date of vaccinations, mother’s maiden name, and church preference (available options: red brick, white clapboard, stucco, mega, and drive-thru) to find out whether masks are required in your individual situation. As easy as that sounds, not everyone has internet access or is computer savvy. Still others prefer not to use their devices due to government surveillance of their online activity. For those people, there is a simple DIY formula that enables anyone to easily determine their relative level of risk and the specific mask rules applying to them. Using a slide rule, first enter the total number of ICU beds in the greater metropolitan statistical area where you live. Multiply that number by one-third of the total population between 18 and 65, or by half the number of registered Republican voters, whichever is greater. Divide the resulting total by the number of ICU beds actually occupied as of 8:00 a.m. seven days before your inquiry. Then simply add the last 4 digits of your Social Security number divided by the alphanumeric enumerator of your last name: 1 for A, 2 for B, 3 for C, and so on. For resulting totals greater than 37,529, those whose street address is even-numbered should wear masks on oddnumbered days; for if the result is 37,528 or less and your street address is odd-numbered, wear your mask on evennumbered days. Finally, for those who have neither internet access or a slide rule, the CDC guidelines call for wearing masks Monday through Thursday for people whose first name starts with the letters A through K, and Friday through Monday for first names M through Z. (On Mondays, everyone must wear a mask.) Those whose first name begins with L are required to wear their masks 24 hours a day other than while eating. For those with a single name — Cher or Adele as examples — download the CDC’s free single-name mask app. +

— JBC Jr. Out

PS: By the way, I read the article dad actually wrote for this issue, and trust me, you aren’t missing anything. Sometimes he thinks he is a cross between Indiana Jones and Allan Quartermain and he likes to tell aggrandized versions of adventures from his youth, but just like his planned miraculous recovery after his recent surgery, they are mostly figments of his imagination. + J.B. Collum is a local novelist, humorist and columnist who wants to be Mark Twain when he grows up. He may be reached at johnbcollum@ gmail.com

Health-conscious consumer using the CDC’s simple user-friendly formula to determine her local risk and mask recommendations.

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www.AugustaRx.com The Medical Examiner’s mission: to provide information on topics of health and wellness of interest to general readers, to offer information to assist readers in wisely choosing their healthcare providers, and to serve as a central source of salubrious news within every part of the Augusta medical community. Direct editorial and advertising inquiries to: Daniel R. Pearson, Publisher & Editor E-mail: Dan@AugustaRx.com AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER P.O. Box 397, Augusta, GA 30903-0397

(706) 860-5455 www.AugustaRx.com • E-mail: Dan@AugustaRX.com www.Facebook.com/AugustaRX Opinions expressed by the writers herein are their own and/or their respective institutions. Neither the Augusta Medical Examiner, Pearson Graphic 365 Inc., nor its agents or employees take any responsibility for the accuracy of submitted information, which is presented for general informational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis, and treatment, consult your doctor. The appearance of advertisements in this publication does not constitute an endorsement of the products or services advertised. © 2022 PEARSON GRAPHIC 365 INC.

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CLASSICS ARE CLASSICS FOR A REASON

PUT AN ONION IN YOUR SOCK OVERNIGHT

This quick and easy cure sweeping the internet is the perfect way to stick it to Big Pharma. Instead of spending thousands of dollars for medicinal or surgical cures for asthma, fallen arches, joint pain, difficulty breathing, irritable bowel syndrome, COVID-19, double chin, stubborn belly fat, and several dozen other maladies, try this natural cure that costs pennies per day. Plus it’s more effective than anything available in a drugstore, whether prescription or overthe-counter. Ingredients • 1 purple onion, halved Instructions Cut one medium-sized purple onion in half horizontally just before bedtime on even days of the month. Place the remaining half in a sealed container, then place in refrigerator. On odd days of the month, cut the fresh purple onion vertically. The variations in cutting release two radically different varieties of quadrivalent bi-clonal probiotics. When alternated, they pack a powerful one-two punch against the complaints listed above, and hundreds more. Just prior to insertion, place the onion half in a microwave for approximately 10 seconds at low power. This enhances the release of potent onion pheromones to speed healing.

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Although scientific research has not determined the reason, men’s calf-length black crew socks (as shown) seem to offer optimal transdermal delivery with minimal fabric absorption. Repeat this process nightly for at least 30 days, alternating between vertically and horizontally cut onion halves. Symptoms should begin to gradually disappear within 14 days, but stopping treatments too soon can result in relapses that are often worse than the original condition. In the morning, remove the onion from your sock (or locate in bed linens) and save if desired for use in salads, stews, meatloaf recipes and other culinary treats.

This option provides for additional internal healing. Yield: 2 treatments per onion and unlimited recipe use thereafter. Tips: For enhanced extra-fast healing, continue to wear the same sock during daytime hours for the 30 days. Washing removes beneficial enzymes from the socks, reducing the Onion Effectiveness (OE) rating by a factor of approximately 3.7. If purple onions are not available from your grocer, many restaurants offer onion rings, and most convenience stores sell Funyons. If using these options, extend the course of treatment to 60 days for best results. +

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ASK DR. KARP

NONSENSE

NUTRITION Anna, a Twitter follower from Waynesboro, Georgia, writes: “I saw on TV the other day that scientific food, diet, nutrition and health guidelines have changed dramatically. Is that true?”

Glad you asked, Anna. Just last month, the prestigious Society for Healthy Living published their latest lifestyle guidelines. Some of the guidelines are quite surprising and a reversal of what we thought we already knew. As I often point out, scien-

D R A

L M O E R A K C

P A R

P A R K

P B

ARKS

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R B A E A O K

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tific knowledge constantly evolves based on the latest data and understanding. This is normal and to be expected. However, some of their recommendations, based on new data and analysis, are very eye-opening. One of their recommendations is that Americans need far less exercise than we are getting now. Why? What the data show is that the more you move and exercise, the greater the risk of physical injury. For example, who hasn’t pulled a muscle while weight-training, overstretched a tendon during yoga, or fallen while biking or roller-skating? Swimming is associated with all sorts of potential accidents. Carefully analyzing the risk/benefit ratio, the risk of exercise far outweighs the benefit. Based on this data, the new recommendation is to exercise only about once a month, for about 10 minutes, to reduce your chance of injury. Sitting on the couch watching TV still seems to be a relatively low-accident-risk behavior. Another important recommendation from the revised Society for Healthy Living guidelines centers around weight recommendations. What the most recent data shows is that thin people are at a much greater risk of dying than overweight people. The more underweight you are, the greater your chance of dying, sooner. Think of

Sooner or later, everybody figures it out.

ARKS

HARMACY

the people you know who suddenly lose a lot of weight. Many times, it turns out they have the early stages of disease, such as diabetes, emphysema and cancer. The weight guidelines for the average American have now been significantly increased so that “normal” weight is now considered underweight, overweight is considered healthy, and obesity, it turns out, is the most protective against developing chronic disease. Plus, cosmetically, being overweight fills in your collagen molecules and helps eliminate wrinkles. Another important new finding, using the latest statistical data analysis methods, is that obesity is 100% related to the genes you inherit from your parents and grandparents. So that hunch

APRIL 1, 2022

you had about your weight turns out to be true after all: you are not overweight because you are inactive and eat foods high in fat, calories and salt. Contemporary data analysis shows that you are overweight because you inherited those fat genes, period. New evidenced-based data has led to the concept of “food-combining.” It turns out that the specific individual foods you eat are not what is most relevant to your health. The key factor is the way you combine one food with another. If you combine foods intelligently, the results can be synergistic. The positive health effect of the combined foods can be greater than expected compared with the health benefits of each food eaten by itself. A good exam-

ple of this principle is combining chocolate and broccoli. We know that chocolate, by itself, is very healthy because it contains lots of antioxidants. We also know that broccoli, by itself, is extremely healthy because it lowers your risk of all types of cancers, it is high in fiber and it is very nutrient dense. When you cook broccoli and then, prior to serving, pour melted chocolate over it (dark chocolate, of course), the resulting chocolate-broccoli medley is a nutritional “home run.” Need another example to get you started on food combining? While standing in line at a fast-food place, how many times have you heard a person order a burger, fries and a diet coke? It turns out this is a very healthy way of eating. In your intestine, the diet coke interacts with the burger and fries and reduces the absorption of calories, fat and salt. It is almost like having an intestinal cleanse. So, what is the “Nonsense Nutrition” advice for today? Your health is pre-determined by your genetics, so relax and don’t worry about it so much. Eat and drink what you want and slow down on that exercise routine. Celebrate this day with whole fat cheese combined with Oreos and red wine. Cheers! +

Have a question about food, diet or nutrition? Post or private message your question on Facebook (www. Facebook.com/AskDrKarp) or email your question to askdrkarp@gmail.com If your question is chosen for a column, your name will be changed to ensure your privacy. Warren B. Karp, Ph.D., D.M.D., is Professor Emeritus at Augusta University. He has served as Director of the Nutrition Consult Service at the Dental College of Georgia and is past Vice Chair of the Columbia County Board of Health. You can find out more about Dr. Karp and the download site for the public domain eBook, Nutrition for Smarties, at www.wbkarp.com Dr. Karp obtains no funding for writing his columns, articles, or books, and has no financial or other interests in any food, book, nutrition product or company. His interest is only in providing freely available, evidencedDr. Karp based, scientific nutrition knowledge and education. The information is for educational use only; it is not meant to be used to diagnose, manage or treat any patient or client. Although Dr. Karp is a Professor Emeritus at Augusta University, the views and opinions expressed here are his and his alone and do not reflect the views and opinions of Augusta University or anyone else.

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WHO FAST-TRACKS

KIDS VAX Responding to global COVID outbreaks among very young patients, the World Health Organization (WHO) announced this week the development of new and improved vaccines specifically developed for pediatric populations. Dr. Gerhardt Schplutz, of Bern, Switzerland, WHO’s Deputy Assistant Co-Director of COVID Research and Vaccine Development, succeeded in identifying flaws in first-generation pediatric vaccines thanks to a $58 million grant from UNICEF. “Our main problem with earlier iterations of the pediatric vaccine,” said Dr. Schplutz, “was a complete lack of patient compliance. Children simply did not like the vaccine.” The photograph above shows a child being offered the original vaccine; the reaction is obvious. “Our team addressed the issue by creating an entirely new generation of pediatric vaccines, the first of their kind in the world,” said Dr. Schplutz, “incorporating grape, lemon-lime, and cherry flavors. The results were dramatic and instantaneous. The level of patient compliance more than doubled, rising from 12% — and even those with many tears and tantrums — to well over 80%.” The sky is the limit for vaccine development in the future, noted Dr. Schplutz, possibly incorporating chocolate, peppermint, bacon, and dozens of other childhood favorites. +

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CRASH

COURSE

More Americans have died on US roads since 2006 than in World Wars I & II combined

VACCINE SIDE EFFECTS CONTINUE TO EMERGE Public health officials around the world continue to receive disturbing reports of side effects that seem to be linked to COVID-19 vaccines. Peter Perkins of Port Pine, Missouri (shown), says he started having wandering facial features two days after getting the vaccine. “But at least I didn’t get COVID!” he says. Fashion designers in Paris staged a show last week (below) using only models that have grown a second head since receiving the vaccine. Although some of the models said they feel like freaks now, they did acknowledge, like Perkins, that the vaccine has kept them COVID-free. +

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Naturally, they tell people that drivers must he lies constantly fed to the American control their cars at all times. people are sometimes simply too overWell, of course they say that! That’s like whelming to comprehend. telling a child, “Don’t look in that drawer For example, the “government” tells us while I’m gone!” That’s exactly the first thing that it wants to improve highway safety and they’re going to do the second you’re out of eliminate traffic fatalities. Hmm. Is this by sight. any chance the same government that fixes Ladies and gentlemen, there are only two potholes so we don’t have to slow down for ways we can respond to this diabolical plot. them? Is it the same government that authoWe can continue to drive aggressively. We rizes speeds of more than a mile a minute on can speed. We can tailgate. We can stay in our interstate highway systems? the left lane for twenty miles And is this the same governand then veer across three We’re not playing lanes of traffic when we get to ment that does crash tests and issues vehicle safety ratings? our exit. We can not only run the government’s The fox is guarding the hen yellow lights; we can be the house! second, third, or even fourth game. What incentive does the car to run a red light. Just play government have to protect us? follow the leader. So we can grow old enough to draw Social That’s just what they want us to do! Security checks and bankrupt their system? But there is another option. It’s the option Obviously, Bill Gates is masterminding of not being a willing co-conspirator to these the plan to reduce America’s population by nefarious plots. It’s the option of not cooperup to 33%. He has enlisted the aid of fellow ating. Of rising up in the resistance. billionaire boy Elon Musk in this scheme. What does that involve? Musk is already conducting tests on cataIt means not taking the poison the governpulting a few Americans at a time into space. ment is offering. When they give us permission The current series of rocket missions, all very to drive 70 mph, we don’t drive 80, or even 75; highly publicized, are designed to lull us into we drive 65. See what we’re doing there? When a sense of complacency and assure us that they tempt us with a yellow light, we don’t rockets are safe. When the propaganda has take the step-on-the-gas bait. No, we apply our been sufficiently assimilated, Phase II will brakes and stop. When they employ reverse begin, launching rockets carrying thousands psychology and tell us not to speed or tailgate of passengers per mission. Except they won’t — knowing that’s precisely what we will do — be returning. Well, the rockets will. But they we see right through their schemes and refuse will jettison their passengers in space before to participate. returning. In short, we fight back. To get back to the subject of highway Yes, the government may be using everything safety, Musk is also contributing to the from rockets to driverless cars to pandemics to land-based effort by marketing vehicles that reduce overpopulation. But we’re not going to allegedly do not require driver attention. play their game. We’re going to live. +

APRIL 1, 2022

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APRIL 1, 2022

FACTS… from page 2

If you have not heard a rumor by noon, start one of your own. It is your civic duty.

The White House will be repainted in rainbow colors to be more inclusive for all.

Gas prices are increasing because the economy is getting better.

The NBA will require teams to have no more than 2 black players (13%), 2 Hispanic players (13%), and all others white so as to be inclusive yet more accurately representing the American people.

Rosanne Barr is the new spokesperson for Weight Watchers Anonymous. Obesity is a national health crisis. An overseas drug company has a new treatment: Free hookworms and tapeworms for everyone. 100% effective and easily transmittable. Cable news will devote a whole day each week to good news only. Fox News will replace all current on-camera women with ugly replacements with their hair up in red sponge rollers. The Peace Corps named Vladimir Putin its 2022 Man of the Year for his outreach to neighboring countries. Trump colluded with Russia to not invade any countries as they did during the previous three presidential tenures. Everyone who acts in a movie is immediately a world authority on what everyone else should be doing and thinking politically. John Kerry will refrain from future Botox treatments because it makes his forehead too smooth.

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AUGUSTAMEDICALEXAMiNER

The latest TV hair trend requires natural blondes to dye their hair roots brown. Making money in the stock market is simple. Buy stocks when they are cheap. Sell them when they go up. If they don’t go up, don’t buy them. — Mark Twain The FDA has banned all memory-enhancing drugs because it’s depressing for men to recall their testosteronedriven youth. In Hollywood, the bigger the occasion, the more clothes the men wear and the fewer clothes women wear. Next year, projections are that 142 countries will give foreign aid to the U.S. Americans are crazy. They drive on parkways and park on driveways. If paying income tax was voluntary, Congress could not spend dollars as fast as they came in.

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The Examiners +

It saddens me to think of the way people with disabilities are treated.

by Dan Pearson

There no reason a stigma should be attached to any disability. It’s so mean.

I had a stigma, but I got corrective lenses.

No, there was definitely only one.

I don’t think you mean a stigma.

PUZZLE

ACROSS

1. Francis, for instance 5. Bakery offering 10. Urban haze 14. Heroic 15. Tool for boring holes 16. Rythmic pattern in classical Indian music 17. Like some rifles 19. Auto line defunct since 2004 20. Floods 21. Doc’s org. 22. Medical College beginning 23. Upper back bones 26. Lassie’s master 29. The _____ position 32. Inquire of 33. Online auctioneer 34. In abundance 35. Prostate test ltrs. 36. Adult males 37. Anaphylaxis 38. Vietnam Offensive 39. “As needed” (Latin abbrev) 40. Save 41. Mr. Sarazen 42. How a golf ball sits 43. Track events 44. Yielded 45. Merited 47. Invasive cancellation? 48. Hat (informal) 49. EMT 55. Corner named by Herbert Warren Wind 57. Writings of lasting merit 58. Measure 59. Isolated 60. Object of adoration 61. Soviet news service, once 62. Dealer-used cars 63. “Red” coin

19 21

22 27

35 38 41 44

48 56

1. Scope prefix 2. Forthright 3. ICU for babies 4. Financial system 5. Dish of raw vegetables 6. Sect 7. Double curve 8. Leader of The Untouchables 9. Trauma pt. destinations 10. Trachea access hole 11. Poorly adjusted 12. Advanced in years 13. Type of station 18. “I will not stand ___ by!” 21. Long narrow wooden game surface 23. Flat-bottomed boat 24. Jewish sect of the 2nd C. BC 25. Used shoes with wheels 26. Headache site, sometimes 27. Spain and Portugal 28. Discourteous 29. Teeth adjective?

Click on “MYSTERY WORD” • DEADLINE TO ENTER: NOON, APRIL 11 2022

We’ll announce the winner in our next issue!

E X A M I N E R

1 5

S U D O K U

9 1 3 8 4

DIRECTIONS: Every line, vertical and horizontal, and all nine 9-square boxes must each contain the numbers 1 though 9. Solution on page 14.

DOWN

Simply unscramble the letters, then begin exploring our ads. When you find the correctly spelled word hidden in one of our ads — enter at AugustaRx.com

30. Choose 31. Donut shape (Geometry) 34. Glowing coal (archaic) 37. Equipped with; carrying 41. Type of marker 44. Prolonged unconsciousness 46. Rule of ____ (in burns) 47. Nostrils 49. Heap 50. ______ bomb 51. First female US attorney general 52. City feller on a ranch 53. Element no. 26 54. Irish person of centuries past 55. Warning letters to burglars 56. Extinct flightless bird 57. Abbreviation for Freeman in 2022

Solution p. 14

QUOTATIONPUZZLE D D T D D W A E E P U T D Y E F N B T C R R A M I O A O E A L S I K T P E

T T E E H E N

3 5 4 6 7 1 2 7 8M3 1I 9 9 8 S 5 2 6N4

— Mitch Hedberg

DIRECTIONS: Recreate a timeless nugget of wisdom by using the letters in each vertical column to fill the boxes above them. Once any letter is used, cross it out in the lower half of the puzzle. Letters may be used only once. Black squares indicate spaces between words, and words may extend onto a second line. Solution on page 14.

Use the letters provided at bottom to create words to solve the puzzle above. All the listed letters following #1 are the first letters of the various words; the letters following #2 are the second letters of each word, and so on. Try solving words with letter clues or numbers with minimal choices listed. A sample is shown. Solution on page 14.

K 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 H A K 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4 1 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4

O 1 2 3 4 5 6 2

1.DEHKMPRTW 2.AEIEIOOVH 3.AEODLRRRT 4.PNEKRDIL 5.SLR 6.EE 7.M 8.E 9.N 10.T

SAMPLE:

1. ILB 2. SLO 3. VI 4. NE 5. D =

9 2 8 6 5 4 7 1 3

L 1

O 2

V 3

E 4

I 1

S 2

B 1

L 2

I 3

N 4

D 5

WORDS NUMBER

THE MYSTERY WORD The Mystery Word for this issue: RUSHMUE

EXAMINER CROSSWORD

APRIL 1, 2022

7 3 9 4 1 5 6 8 2

8 1 6 9 2 7 3 4 5

4 5 2 3 6 8 1 7 9

APRIL 1, 2022

AUGUSTAMEDICALEXAMiNER

THEBESTMEDICINE ha... ha...

The

13 +

Advice Doctor

Moe: My wife begged me to stop making police jokes. Joe: Are you going to? Moe: I told her I would give it a rest.

Moe: Well, you’re famous for your lame courtroom jokes. Joe: Guilty!

man walks into a car dealership in Moscow to buy a new car. The salesman says, “I am sorry sir, but due to the war and various sanctions, all cars are spoken for. I have a waiting list, but it is so long that it will take 10 years to get your new car.” The man says, “Well, I might as well get on the list. Can I pre-pay?” The salesman replies, “Of course. Fill out this form, pay our finance department, and come back 10 years from today. We’ll have your car waiting.” The buyer asks, “Can I come either in the morning or the afternoon?” Somewhat annoyed, the salesman says, “Comrade, it is ten years from today. What do you care if it’s morning or afternoon?” The customer says, “Because the plumber is coming in the afternoon, so I need a morning appointment if I can get one.”

Moe: People think gas prices are high. Have you priced chimneys lately? Joe: They’re through the roof. Moe: I wonder if wind has a color? Joe: Sure. Blew. Moe: What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? Joe: An Uber. As all the animals left the ark, Noah told each pair to go forth and multiply. The next day, though, Noah came upon two snakes who were doing nothing but basking in the sun. Noah asked, ”Why aren’t you multiplying like I commanded?” “We can’t,” one of the snakes replied. “We’re adders.”

Moe: Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is nothing but a sea of stupidity, corruption and violence. I wouldn’t go there if you paid me. Joe: Thank goodness we live in Canada.

Moe: What’s the opposite of syrup? Joe: Madame down. Moe: Where do you get all your jokes? Joe: Most of them are recycled. Moe: And the rest are garbage. +

Why subscribe to theMEDICALEXAMINER? What do you mean?

Staring at my phone all day has had no Effect on ME!

Because try as they might, no one can stare at their phone all day.

Dear Advice Doctor, I left for work the other morning and had only driven a few blocks when my car died at a stop sign. I tried everything I could think of to get it started again, but nothing worked. I finally had to walk home, and that’s when I discovered my wife in bed with the guy next door. I thought we had a great marriage, but now I don’t know what to do. Do you have any suggestions or advice? — Troubled Dear Troubled, This is indeed a very troubling and frustrating situation, and I certainly sympathize with you. I suppose my first question would be are you sure you didn’t just run out of gas? Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. I know personally I had an experience one time a few years ago when gas prices were really high and the same thing happened to me (except for the, you know, at-home part) and it turned out some neighborhood kids had siphoned gas out of dozens of cars during the night. Unfortunately, mine was one of them. That raises another question: what if some pranksters poured sugar in your gas tank? And sometimes a gas cap that hasn’t been tightly reapplied after gassing up lets rainwater into the tank. Other fuel-related possibilities include a bad fuel pump or a clogged fuel filter. Check those out next. You also need to get fire to the fuel, so assuming everything is okay with your gas, it could be an electrical problem like bad spark plugs, fuel injectors, or your alternator. Speaking of electrical, the #1 reason cars won’t start is a bad or dead battery. I didn’t lead with that since you already had started right up, plus you were able to continue to try cranking the motor over for some time after the car died. So it probably isn’t your battery, although it might be next time. Even so, it’s worth getting checked, and that is usually a free service. Chances are it’s not a serious problem and you’ll be happily motoring down the road again very soon. I hope this answered your question. + A personal note from The Advice Doctor: This column (and this installment in particular) was inspired by a similar feature that appeared in National Lampoon magazine during the 1970s.

Do you have a question for The Advice Doctor about life, love, personal relationships, career, raising children, or any other important topic? Send it to News@AugustaRx.com. Replies will only be provided in the Examiner.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE MEDICALEXAMINER +

By popular demand we’re making at-cost subscriptions available for the convenience of our readers. If you live beyond the Aiken-Augusta area, or miss issues between doctor’s appointments — don’t you hate it when that happens? — we’ll command your mail carrier to bring every issue to your house!

Why read the Medical Examiner: Reason #272 BEFORE READING

NAME ADDRESS CITY STATE ZIP Choose six months for $20 ____ or one year for $36 ____. Mail this completed form with payment to Augusta Medical Examiner, PO Box 397, Augusta GA 30903-0397

AFTER READING

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8 4 3 2

4 8

THE MYSTERY SOLVED

THE PUZZLE SOLVED P E R I

The Mystery Word in our last issue was: TONSILS

T E M P L E

THE WINNER: SANDRA JAMES! If that’s your name, congratulations! Send us your mailing address using the email address in the box on page 6. The new Mystery Word is on page 12. Start looking!

A D T

...cleverly hidden on the bulldog in the p. 15 ad for BARNEY’S PHARMACY

O P E N

P I C U

E C O N O I M M B A Y E N R N I E A R N L I M E N O S E A S S

S A I L D A L D Y G A L R E M E E D D L A D

C U L T

O G E E

F A L S E

E L E C T

P I L E

A T O M

N E E R S S S A B L T A L O R E R G Y U E S C N O R A M E R A N E O S

S T O M A

M A L A D A P T G E E D N E D T U I D C E

O G L A D S E S S E N E

S K A T E D

I R O N

C E L T

SEE PAGE 12

The Celebrated TheSUDOKUsolution MYSTERY WORD CONTEST 3 5 9 7 8 4 2 6 1

...wherein we hide (with fiendish cleverness) a simple word. All you have to do is unscramble the word (found on page 12), then find it concealed within one of our ads. Click in to the contest link at www.AugustaRx.com and enter. If we pick you in our random drawing of correct entries, you’ll score our goodie package! SEVEN SIMPLE RULES: 1. Unscramble and find the designated word hidden within one of the ads in this issue. 2. Visit the Reader Contests page at www.AugustaRx.com. 3. Tell us what you found and where you found it. 4. If you’re right and you’re the one we pick at random, you win. (Winners within the past six months are ineligible.) 5. Prizes awarded to winners may vary from issue to issue. Limited sizes are available for shirt prize. 6. A photo ID may be required to claim some prizes. 7. Other entrants may win a lesser prize at the sole discretion of the publisher. 8. Deadline to enter is shown on page 12.

APRIL 1, 2022

AUGUSTAMEDICALEXAMiNER

4 7 2 8 1 9 5 6

6 1 7 3 9 8 2 4

2 8 6 5 4 7 1 3

3 9 4 1 5 6 8 2

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5 2 3 6 8 1 7 9

7 4 1 9 3 5 6 8

8 3 5 7 2 4 9 1

QuotatioN QUOTATION PUZZLE SOLUTION My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. — Mitch Hedberg

WORDS BY NUMBER Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. — Malcolm Forbes

9 5 8 4 6 2 3 7

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CHIROPRACTIC Evans Chiropractic Health Center Dr. William M. Rice 108 SRP Drive, Suite A 706-860-4001 www.evanschiro.net

COUNSELING Resolution Counseling Professionals 3633 Wheeler Rd, Suite 365 Augusta 30909 706-432-6866 www.visitrcp.com

DENTISTRY Jason H. Lee, DMD 116 Davis Road Augusta 30907 706-860-4048

DEVELOPMENTAL PEDIATRICS Karen L. Carter, MD 1303 D’Antignac St, Suite 2100 Augusta 30901 706-396-0600 www.augustadevelopmentalspecialists.com

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After disappearing from public view as the world was plunged into the grips of COVID-19 two years ago, a dramatically changed Batman has re-emerged to announce his retirement. Donning his trademark (and heavily altered) Dark Knight costume for one final time, Bruce Wayne said this was one more thing to blame on the pandemic. “I was in lockdown, so all I could really do was eat,” said The Caped Crusader. “First I gained a pound, then two, then ten. Pretty soon my cape wasn’t capable of holding me up. Then I got depressed and ate even more. My doctor tells me I am aerodynamically unsound. But land transport isn’t an option either. I can’t even get into my sports car any more (shown). Maybe I could walk around Gotham, but are the bad guys supposed to just sit around and wait for me to nab them when I finally get there? Batman said he may return, but only if he can lose at least 150 pounds. “It’s a great loss,” said Robin. “Wink, wink.” +

APR. 9

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APRIL 1, 2022

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