BASED ON A TRUE STORY

(most of the time)

A series by Bad Billy Laveau sugar, cream, etc.

The next month when he came in and had lost an astonishing 8 pounds, I was shocked and pleasantly surprised. He informed me that he followed the “Don’t Eat Anything White Diet,” but was not going to do it anymore because it was too hard.

• I listened carefully to politicians make beautiful speeches. I actually believe some of them. We can only hope those elected will do what is best for our country and us. Those kinds of decisions are far above my pay grade and in their position I would be miserable. That does not mean I do not have opinions. I do. But they are mine to keep.

• Sometimes I go to church and do not listen to the pastor. This is hypocritical. I have wasted his time and mine. Next year I will do better.

• Our Yorkie lives inside and got a sweater for Christmas from my granddaughter. She put it on the Yorkie immediately. Two days later I foolishly decided to remove the sweater without the Yorkie’s permission. I got snapped at. Fortunately my tetanus is up-to-date. Next time I will seek permissionrelevant forgiveness. It hurts less.

• I will continue to wear the clothes each day that my wife hangs out for me. Her taste is better than mine.

And there’s a lot less static if I do not make changes. She watches the weather consistently on TV from various channels, and has never sent me out ill-prepared for the weather conditions. I must be more thankful and appreciative.

• Over my many years of writing this column, I’ve received many emails and phone calls: from Las Vegas; New York City (where my column is used to teach college level creative writing); Nashville, Tennessee; the Middle East (from a deployed soldier who says I can make him laugh in a war zone. I thank him for his service to our country. You should too); New Orleans; and even Willacoochee, Georgia. (No, I do not kin in any of those places.)

About 90% of comments are positive. The other 10% think I might need a mental examination. I do not know if that is good or bad. In the industry I am told you should get 20% negative responses. Therefore I have failed by about 10%. Never said I was perfect or even near that.

• I like to think of creative ways to give a compliment. Here are a couple that I use frequently. In the past year I have made a habit at least once each day in a restaurant or store to walk up to a lady that I do not know and say, “Excuse me, Ma’am. You are a beautiful lady.” I walk away without a follow up.

If the checkout line is slow and the lady working the cash register is young and not wearing a wedding ring, I might say, “Excuse me, ma’am. Are you married?” She says, “No.” I say, “Can you cook really good?” She usually looks thoughtful and says, “Yes.” Then I say, “As beautiful as you are — and you can cook, too — you must know a lot of really stupid men for not being married to you.”

This delights her (and the people in the line who think an old codger is hitting on a young girl until they realize I am giving a creative compliment.)

• I will not make a specific list what I will or will not do in 2023. I will increase the good things I do and decreased the not-so-good things I do, and hope my family will keep me one more year whether I deserve it or not.